Original subtitles

Hey, Willie, when does the band get here?

No band, ALF.

Well then, who's gonna back up the dancing poodles?

There are no dancing poodles.

Yeah, there are. I saw them on "Letterman."

They dance pretty good for white dogs.

No poodles, ALF.

And next time, I'll thank you

not to order dancing dogs

without asking me first.

Okay.

So, when do all the guests arrive?

Neal? He'll be here soon.

He just had to stop off for a bottle of wine.

So, my third anniversary of landing on your planet

is gonna be just another day

except for toilet paper on the ceiling

and a piece of dry cake.

Gee, guys. I'm all misty.

ALF, we're trying to make this as special as we can, huh?

By the way, this isn't toilet paper.

Well, it does the job

although it chafes.

[telephone ringing]

I'll get it.

Here, ALF. Does this look like your spaceship?

(Kate) 'Hello?'

Well, you forgot the bumper sticker.

"My other spaceship is a Porsche."

Other than that, it's a pretty feeble attempt.

Ah. Calm down, mom. I can hardly hear you.

Where are you?

The airport?

Don't invite her! Don't invite her!

What's wrong?

Oh..

Oh, n.. No, no.

Stay right where you are. I'm on my way.

I thought you said we couldn't have a dancing dog?

- ALF. - You're right.

Who am I to assume she knows how to dance?

What happened to grandma?

Mom and Whizzer had a fight.

She left him. I gotta go pick her up.

What, is her thumb broken?

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Okay, okay, uh, we've got a clock and a bird.

- Uh-huh. - Bird-watch!

- Uh-unh! - Uh, uh, bird-watching!

- That's it, let's eat. - Uh-unh!

Are you sure?

Watch. Bird.

Watch-bird.

One flew over the cuckoo's nest!

Ugh!

That's my final answer. Make it work.

Oh, come on!

What else could it be?

[timer dings]

What about "time flies?"

What about a halfway decent clue?

Are you having fun, ALF?

Yeah. Great party.

Considering you guys wouldn't let me have helium.

Ah.. Oh, aha.

I believe I smell a victory.

- Ready? - Uh, yeah.

Go.

(Brian) 'Okay.'

West!

West..

Z..

Sleep?

Quiet.

"All Quiet On The Western Front!"

That's it.

Boy, way to go.

How come they always get the easy ones?

"Time flies?"

[doorbell rings]

Oh, boy! The guest has arrived.

What on earth?

Hi, Willie.

Hi, everyone.

Hi, ALF.

Happy anniversary.

Hi, Uncle Neal.

Hi, Uncle Neal.

Why are you dressed like a bed?

ALF said it was a toga party.

Shoot! That was the call I was supposed to make.

I'll, uh, I'll get you something to put on.

Or we could all wear sheets!

Lynn? To-ga! To-ga! To-ga!

Fat chance, fat chance, fat chance.

So where are the dogs?

They're at the airport.

I heard that.

He's upset because Kate went to the airport

to pick up her mother, and he's afraid

that she's gonna spoil his party.

Oh. What brings Dorothy to town?

Oh, she and Whizzer had another fight.

She flew out by herself.

Aw, that's a shame.

Another marriage flapping in shallow water.

That's how I felt when Margaret dumped me.

Oh, great. My party's turning into a suicide watch.

[instrumental music]

Everything I own in the world is in those suitcases.

Mrs. Deaver, we're very, very sorry

about any inconvenience.

If they are not on the next plane

we will have them delivered

as soon as we can locate them.

Please accept this coupon

good for one free drink plus earphones

on your next international flight

some restrictions apply.

Listen, young man.

This is not the first time

I have gone through this on your airline.

Okay. Look. Alright, I confess.

I took your bags.

I was behind you on the counter in St. Louis.

I said to myself, "Whoo, this lady must have pretty things"

is that what you want to hear?

Well, there's no need to get nasty.

I'll check one more time, because I care.

Have a seat.

Smart aleck.

[sighs] Mom.

Oh, Kate! Oh, it's so good to see you.

I have been looking all over for you.

What happened?

Oh, it was awful.

I did roadside check-in in St. Louis.

Never do that. Always take your bags straight..

Mom, mom. I was talking about you and Whizzer.

Look, I don't want to talk about it.

I have more important things on my mind.

Okay, here. Come here. Come here. Sit down.

Mom, you can replace luggage.

You can't replace a husband.

That depends on the luggage.

Mom. Whizzer?

He's dead. How's the baby?

You flew 2,000 miles, you call me in a panic

you don't want to discuss it, fine.

He doesn't give a damn about me.

All he cares about is jazz, jazz, jazz.

The man is a cultural cul-de-sac.

Do you know what it is like

trying to reason with someone

while he's draining his spit valve?

Mom, you knew a spit valve came with the marriage.

But I didn't know my home would end up

being a storage locker in L.A.

All I asked from him was to give up his lifestyle

and stay in one place. Here. He said no.

So, I suggested a new place to store his saxophone and left.

Mom, you knew how important

being on the road was to Whizzer.

Now, is it possible that you're not being

totally sensitive to his feelings?

Kate, that is not fair. I'm a very sensitive person.

I'm sorry.

Now, where's rain man with my bags?

What?

Alright! Come on, I'm on a roll.

Hit me with another one.

Um, okay.

Okay.

Okay.

[piano music]

Ehh! "The Jeffersons!"

Mid '70 situation comedy

known today as "Amen."

- Oh, Lynn, you know that. - I know.

Come on, come on, I'm hot.

Alright, alright, here it goes. Here's one. Uh..

[piano music]

Eh! "Green Acres!"

Eddie Albert, Eva Gabor

finest of the rural comedies.

- Next! Huh. - Okay.

H-here's one you don't know.

Oh. Uh..

[piano music]

Ehh! "Arnie."

Herschel Bernardi stepping stone to "Fiddler On The Roof."

Next.

Can we play something else?

Something maybe we can all take part in?

No! Next!

Brian, uh, is it past, uh

certain somebody's bed time?

You want us to wake you when grandma Dorothy gets here?

Only if she brought me something.

If not, tell her I'll see her in the morning.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, hi, honey. Where are you?

What? Well.. W-what happened?

Oh, don't tell me. She's been taken hostage.

I say no deals.

They're still at the airport. They..

Th-they lost Dorothy's suitcases.

Too bad they didn't lose her.

I can't get the two of them don't get along.

Oh, they've had their moments.

Luckily, one of us is always been around

to turn the hose on them.

Well, tell her we say "hi."

Fun?

I wouldn't say fun.

Hurry home, though.

We'll save you some cake.

[doorbell rings]

Wait, don't tell me!

You got me my dancing poodles after all!

Oh, I shouldn't have said anything.

I spoiled the surprise.

Get in the kitchen.

Oh, you're really gonna milk this, huh?

Okay. I'll try to look surprised.

How's this?

Well, it's Whizzer!

Whizzer!

Hi, Willie. Is Dorothy here?

No, Kate just went to pick her up at the airport.

I must have just missed them.

Hi, Neal. Hi, Lynn.

- Hi, Whizzer. - Hi, Whizzer.

I guess you heard.

About your fight with Dorothy?

The woman is impossible.

Nothing I do seems to please her.

I'm telling you, this thing has got me so worked up

I don't know what to do anymore.

I would have called, but..

I've been a bundle of raw nerves ever since the argument.

It's all I can do, is to keep myself

from losing it altogether.

- I need a beer. - No!

Relax! I'll leave a buck on the counter, you cheapskate!

Oh, I'm sorry.

See what I mean?

S-stop!

[screaming]

(ALF) 'Arf, arf.'

'Would you believe "meow?"'

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

How's your headache, Whizzer?

It's getting better.

You know, I always thought that "hitting the ceiling"

was just an expression.

Does he, uh, levitate, or cure people

by touching them, or anything?

You kidding? Can't even make his own bed.

I can so!

I just don't want to.

You know, I've played a lot of clubs over the year, but, uh

you're the third strangest things I've ever seen.

Really? Does that include Kate?

[sighs] Here you go, Whizzer. Drink this.

Your pupils are dilating nicely.

Thank you.

So, ALF, uh..

What have you done since you got here?

Well, I, uh..

Uh, w.. I, uh..

Uh..

Willie?

Oh, well, he..

...he eats a lot.

Have I left anything out, ALF?

This is incredible.

First, my wife leaves me

then I meet an alien.

How many people can say that?

(Dorothy) You think, if they could get 250 tons of metal supply

how hard could it be to find two pieces of luggage

day glow pink yarn?

Mom, enough talk about the luggage.

They said, they'll call, they'll call. You're driving me crazy.

You used to be such an agreeable child.

Mom, Whizzer has been playing music for 40 years

he has known you for less than two

you're behaving like a child.

Why don't you just call him?

And give him the satisfaction?

- Mom! - Anyway, I can't.

I don't even know where he is.

For all I know, he's in some two-bit jazz club

buying a drink for some lonely middle-age floozy.

- Oh, Whizzer won't do that. - Are you kidding?

How do you think he met me?

[instrumental music]

Come on, 7, come, 11.

Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.

Don't give me no boxcars, baby.

Yeah, oh, yeah

mama, come to papa.

You know what I like.

Do you have to comment on every single card?

It's a quick drop from wonderment

to aggravation, isn't it, Whizzer?

Come on, shut up and bet.

Who didn't ante?

You, ALF.

Oh, right.

Cover me, Neal.

What's the limit?

$5.00. Same as it was a half an hour ago.

Okay, keep your shorts on.

I open for a quarter.

- I'm in. - Me, too.

I'll stay for a quarter.

Sure, why not?

Well, too rich for my blood.

You were the one that made the bet!

Oh, hello, Mr. Hoyle!

I didn't see you come in!

Cards, everybody.

Okay, I'll stay with what I've got.

Two's fine.

One, please.

Will you not

please not keep looking at my cards?

Then keep them out of my face.

Give me two.

Dealer takes three.

That sounds good. I'll have the same.

You already said you didn't want any.

It's too late.

But that was before I knew what Willie's cards were.

I'm out.

What was the limit, again?

(all) $5.00!

Well, in that case, I'll bet 35 cents.

I'll see that 35 cents

and I'll raise you $1.00.

I'm out.

Yep, me too.

Well, they're dropping like flies.

The bluff's working.

Alright, I'll see that $1.00

and I'll keep it company with.. What's the limit?

I'm kidding! Kidding, man!

Uh, Willie

would you stake me?

To what? Uh, I mean, yeah. Sure.

Hm.

Oh, come on, Uncle Neal, stay in.

He can't know what he's doing.

Don't be a fool, Neal, fold.

Nobody plays that stupidly without having a plan.

Trust me, there's no plan.

Okay, I'll see you four

and I'll raise you five.

What do you say, big talker?

Thanks. Let's see 'em, Neal!

Three queens! What have you got?

Well, enough sense not to bet with my own money!

My deal! Five-card draw, all red cards wild!

Well, the place is still standing.

What did you do, dump the alien?

No, he's still with us.

As a matter of fact, we're throwing him

a party in his honor.

Open or closed casket?

[sighs] I'm sorry.

I guess I'm just upset.

It's not every day you lose your luggage.

Mom, you'll spend the night with us

and in the morning, you'll get in touch with Whizzer

and discuss your differences

like mature, rational adults.

(Whizzer) Come on, come on, give me my cards!

- Give me my cards back! - No!

- Yes! - Make me!

Step outside, you little--

Whizzer!

Dorothy.

What are you doing here?

I came looking for you.

So, you met cousin "IT."

Met him? He's cheated me at cards.

Sore loser!

Can't prove it.

Oh, Dorothy, good to see you again.

Yes, Willie.

- Hi, grandma. - Ah, sweetheart.

- Hi, Dorothy. - Hello, Neal.

Oh, I 'm sorry about you and Margaret.

Aw, thanks, Dorothy. It was a tough adjustment.

I mean, after all, when you've spent

as much time with one person--

Can it, Neal!

She's not interested.

So, Dorothy, can I get you something?

A cab? A rickshaw? A broom?

No, maybe just a baseball bat

and a small body bag.

I-I think maybe we should give

Dorothy and ALF a little privacy.

Don't you mean Whizzer?

What did I say?

You said "ALF."

Oh, what could I have been thinking?

Mom, talk to Whizzer.

Not in front of the orange hairball.

At least mine's natural.

Come on, Whizzer, we have got to talk.

She's just cranky because Toto escaped from her little basket.

Look, Whizzer

we're obviously two very different people

with two completely different approaches to life

who happen to be attracted to each other.

The only solution that I can see is

you have to change.

Dorothy, what are you doing? What do you want?

[sighs] Triplets.

What do you think I want? I want a home.

Is that too much to ask?

Oh, so we're starting on that one again.

Look, there's one thing you have to understand.

You're not more important in this relationship than I am.

- I don't think that! - Yes, you do.

So what if I do?

Well, I think if we have a prayer of making this marriage

work, we're gonna have to ask ourselves

one very important question.

And be honest.

Do you love me, or am I just convenient?

You're convenient.

Well, so are you.

And I love you.

And I love you.

You know, you'd think after three marriages between us, we'd

we'd be better at this?

So, what are we gonna do?

Well, each of us is going to have to give up something.

You first.

Well, I can't give up music, but..

...I will agree to look for a permanent gig

and wherever that turns out to be

we can live there. How's that?

That is so giving and thoughtful of you.

- Can we live here? - No.

Now, this is the part where you have to give up something.

Alright, I'll give up the triplets.

What do I need with more stretch marks, anyway?

- Dorothy. - Tsk. But I like being here.

I like being close to Kate and the kids.

How can you ask me to give that up?

Well, I was hoping you'd like to be near me.

Do you say that to every cheap floozy

you pick up at a bar?

Only the ones I marry.

Oh, gross!

Now, I won't be able to eat for a week.

Kate! Get in the kitchen and hose down your mother.

Yuck!

[instrumental music]

Ahem. You know, I miss being nice like this.

I know. I hate it when we fight.

Of course, making up has its advantages.

[chuckling]

[both moan]

Are you sure you two wouldn't be

more comfortable at the y?

[sighs]

Shouldn't you be digging yourself

a hole for the night?

You know, Dorothy, they should make a movie of your life story.

They could call it "Lady Brings The Blues."

ALF, can we be alone?

Well, I appreciate the offer, but

I'd rather swallow a hammer.

Can't the two of you get along for even five minutes?

Hey! This is as good as it gets.

Well then, are you planning to stand there the whole night?

Of course not.

Just till "Letterman" is over.

Maybe they have the dancing poodles tonight.

[theme music]

[theme music]

Ha-ha-ha! Yuck!