Original subtitles

What a mess.

I cannot believe you exploded

a dozen eggs in our microwave.

Don't worry. I'll lick it clean like I always do.

I will thank you to keep your tongue off our appliances.

Fine. Another arbitrary rule.

Kate, I have some very bad news.

What? What is it?

I-I found the cat outside by the fence.

- He's dead. - Lucky?

Oh, no.

So, what's the bad news?

That was the bad news. Thank you for your concern.

Well, honey, what-what happened?

Well, he must have died in his sleep.

Apparently, he was a lot older than the vet said he was.

I-I wrapped him in a towel and put him in the garage.

Poor Lucky.

Oh, this is gonna be so hard for Brian.

The Luck Meister is dead.

This is indeed a very dark day for anyone who knew him

or chased him.

Is the Crock-Pot still under the sink?

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Please take good care of Lucky, and let him be happy.

Tell him we miss him. Amen.

Lynn, that was indeed beautiful.

I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite

every night before bed.

"And if I die before I wake

chicken fry me like a steak."

- ALF! - Hey.

They were his words.

[Willie clears throat]

Life is eternal

and, uh, love is immortal

and death is but a horizon.

What we return to the Earth, we receive back...tenfold.

Tragic. A tragic waste.

Wouldn't you like to say something, Bri?

- No. - Honey..

It might make you feel better if you say goodbye to him.

- Bye. - Whoa.

What a load off.

Brian, uh, it's okay

if you don't wanna say anything, you don't have to.

There's nothing I wanna say.

Come on, Bri. Let's go inside.

Funeral poopers!

Don't you have any respect for people's feelings?

Well, excuse me.

But where I'm from, this is ludicrous.

It's like having a funeral for a hamburger.

Why don't you just, uh, go inside with them.

Why? I thought I'd help you bury the little patty melt.

Not a chance.

I'm gonna bury him in an undisclosed place.

Well, can I at least put something in there with him?

Oh, yeah, sure. Go ahead. Just hurry up.

This was Lucky's favorite toy.

He loved the sound the little metal bell made.

It wasn't exactly the deepest cat in the world.

[jingling]

I'm sure that Lucky will treasure this.

This would go well with a full-bodied Chianti.

[instrumental music]

(ALF) 'Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.'

Here, kitty, kitty.

Here, kitty.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Come on.

I know you're out here. Here, kitty, kitty..

[gasps]

What are you doing with that metal detector?

This isn't a weed wacker?

Well, no wonder it's taking so long!

Are you looking for this?

No. Uh..

I was looking for quarters.

Yeah. Hind quarters.

You were looking for Lucky's body, weren't you?

Well...yes.

I thought there should be an autopsy.

A what?

There are still a lot of unanswered questions

surrounding his death.

I've formulated a second-gun theory.

What is your problem?

Willie, I must eat cat.

It burns in my blood!

It's the fire in my loins!

Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly

why then, oh, why can't I?

I don't wanna hear this.

Melmacians who didn't eat cat were considered sissies.

We spat on cat lovers.

Don't spit on my shoe.

I thought a visual aid might help.

(Trevor) 'Hey, Tanner, what's going on out there?'

Hide! Quick!

By the way, that's Trevor's weed wacker. Play dumb.

[instrumental music]

Hurry, Bri. We're gonna be late for church.

I'm not hungry.

Honey, it's a shame to waste good food.

Why don't you bury it in the backyard?

That way you'll have something out there

from all the food groups.

You know, Brian, we all loved Lucky

uh, and we all miss him, but he's gone now

and sometimes the best way to get over the loss of a pet

is just go right out and get yourself another one.

Same as losing a wife.

The want ads here are full of people

wh-who are giving away all sorts of pets.

"Giving away?"

Would that include cats, nature's perfect food.

We're not getting a cat.

Uh, if anything, we'll get a dog.

A dog? Oh, like I need the competition for table scraps.

I don't want a dog.

Me either.

Not enough gristle.

Breakfast is over. We all need some air.

- Come on, Bri. - See you after church, ALF.

Yeah. Put a good word in for me.

Not that I need it.

Don't do any more treasure hunting.

How can I?

It's not like Lucky had any silver fillings in his teeth.

Did he?

[sighs] Goodbye, ALF.

Free cats.

Wonder if they deliver.

No, I can't. Willie'll kill me.

Well, maybe if I just eat the feet, nobody'll notice.

[instrumental music]

So, any last meows?

Huh? No.

Then I'll see you in a few days.

You're kind of small, aren't you?

Well, at least you won't claw so much going down.

[meows]

Don't look at me like that.

[meows]

Oh, no.

[groans] What's wrong with me?

Maybe you have an ugly brother or sister in that box.

[meows]

Yeah!

Now, you're ugly enough to eat.

[Lynn chuckling]

[indistinct]

What cats?

Where did you get these?

Um, they came for Lucky's funeral.

They brought casseroles.

What was I gonna do, turn them away?

Alright, alright. I called an ad in the paper.

How many did you eat?

- None. - I don't believe you, ALF.

Alright, then give me a bucket and a moment to myself

and I'll show you.

We'll take your word for it.

It makes me sick to even think that you would eat a cat.

There'll be no eating of cats in this house. Do you hear me?

Alright. But that rule has to apply to everybody

for it to mean anything.

(Trevor) 'Hey, Tanner, you guys in?'

Maybe we can get the Ochmoneks to take them.

They'd be better off on the freeway.

Well, hi Trevor, Raquel.

Hi, Kate. Hey, Willie?

Raquel and I are going treasure hunting in Malibu.

You guys wanna come?

We're gonna hang around outside Larry Hagman's house.

Last week I found a watch.

- Look. - It's lovely.

And I can wear it in the shower.

Well, as exciting as that sounds, uh

we're kind of busy, we've gotta find a home for these kittens

that were suspiciously left on our doorstep.

We'd take one, but Raquel's allergic.

She breaks out in these big red welts that drip.

Trevor, please. Some things are private.

Then why did you pose for the cover of that medical journal?

I was young, and I needed the money.

Aren't you gonna lose the sun soon?

Good point. See you later.

You know, we should spring for an electric fence.

[instrumental music]

Ready to go through with this?

Alright.

Bon appetit.

Hey, hey, if you're gonna put up a struggle, who needs you!

Gee!

Oh, I can't do it.

That settles it.

I, Gordon Shumway, am a..

...cat lover.

[sighs]

Sorry, ma.

(Kate) 'They're right in here.'

I am so ashamed, papa.

Why can't we get a purebred Himalayan?

They cost too much, honey.

But how am I supposed to get attached to a cheap cat?

[awkward chuckle]

Sorry about that.

I thought sending her to French school meant to France.

I understand. Uh.. Well, here they are.

- Please, uh, pick one. - Oh, these are great.

Oh, I like the grey one.

- A grey cat? - Yeah.

You'll have to excuse my father. He works with his hands.

I guess we'll, uh, take the black one here.

Good choice. Very good choice.

- There you go. - Thanks for the kitten.

Merci, madame.

[chuckles]

Au revoir.

Well, I'm glad to see you're not

giving them away to just anybody.

ALF, what are you doing out here?

Oh, Kate, I've discovered a horrible secret about myself.

I am a cat lover.

[spits]

Hold me?

We know all about your love of cats, ALF.

That's why we just sent one home with Les Miserables.

- No, I'm serious! - Mm-hm.

And what supposedly brought on this sudden change?

Would you believe I've never seen a kitten before?

You? You have never seen a kitten?

Never. Well..

I've seen bits of them in chowder.

I just had no idea they were so cute whole.

Nice try, bub. Now back away from them slowly.

Oh, Kate, I promise I won't harm a hair

on their fuzzy wittle heads.

- Have I ever lied to you? - Yes. Several times.

I meant today.

[instrumental music]

[door opens]

Which one did they take?

Oh, I don't wanna know!

No, tell me.

No, no, no, don't tell me!

Tell me.

Stripey one.

Not Tuffy!

Oh, I can't stand this, Willie.

Every time you give away another kitten, a part of me dies.

Uh-huh.

I tell you, I'm a changed alien.

You know, there's an old saying, ALF

the leopard cannot change his spots.

Whoa, that's deep!

Back up, man, you lost me.

[telephone rings]

Hello. Oh, yeah, Lynn.

There's one kitten left. The grey one. Heh, the runt.

Hey, I'd like to see baby pictures of you.

(Willie) 'Alright.'

Well, Lynn's bringing a friend by.

They're gonna pick up the last one. The last cat.

Oh, you can't give away the grey kitten!

He's my favorite.

Oh, I'll change my spots, Willie!

In fact, I'll endure every bad analogy you throw my way.

I can't trust you, ALF.

These cats are too much of a temptation for you.

- Did I ever try to eat Lucky? - Yes.

I meant today.

Go.

Well, goodbye, kitty. Have a nice life.

I love that cat.

[spits]

I gotta get a handle on that.

[instrumental music]

And another thing about having a cat

is a cat won't leave you for a cheerleader named Buffy.

George and I were gonna spend the rest of our lives together.

He said I inspired him.

That since he knew me, he sold more van conversions

than anybody else at the showroom.

Joanie, it's been a month.

That's three weeks longer than you went with him.

But it was so right.

Didn't you think it was right, Lynn?

Listen to me, you are in danger

of developing a very bad life pattern.

Hi, dad. Joanie's here to pick up the kitten.

Oh, good.

How are things, Joanie?

I'm taking your cat. What does that tell you?

Guess I'll go get it.

Now I'm stuck with this lousy tattoo

and it doesn't mean anything.

I told you not to rush into that.

(Willie) 'Oh, I'll strangle him!'

What's wrong, dad?

Uh-uh, it-it seems the cat has, uh, wandered off.

It figures.

- 'ALF?' - Stay cool.

Remember, I've been here the whole time.

Where is that cat?

Why are you asking me? I've been here the last hour.

Isn't that right, Eric?

[coos]

See?

I don't have time for this.

A morose teenager has come to take it home.

Do I have to tear the house apart?

Don't bother.

You won't find it.

Why not?

Because...I ate it.

I can't-I can't believe that you could

possibly disappoint me this much!

No more disappointed than I am in myself, Willie.

Your punishment couldn't begin to top what I'm going through.

We'll test that theory in one minute.

You may be looking at the pinata for your first birthday party.

I'm outta here.

I'm sorry, it appears that something has happened

to the, uh, kitten.

- I see. - Joanie.

This is not at all like what happened

between you and George.

I wanna believe you.

Well..

At least now I'll have something to talk about at group tonight.

Bye, Mr. Tanner. I'll call you.

(Lynn) Alright.

[sighs] She's one taco short of a combination plate.

What happened to the kitten?

Uh, it seems ALF..

...ate it.

Oh, my God!

That's just too horrible to think about.

How do you know?

He admitted it.

Wow.

I knew he was capable

but I never thought he'd actually go through with it.

One thing is certain. He'll never do it again!

[instrumental music]

Look, I don't know how much time we have.

So here's the plan.

How soon do you think you can get on a game show?

We're gonna need some money.

What, you have a better idea?

(Willie) 'ALF!'

ALF, there you are. Dad, he's in here.

Is he in a good mood or a bad mood?

Don't even talk to me.

Guess it's that time, huh?

Doesn't a condemned man get a last meal?

You just had it!

How about an after-dinner mint?

Dad, what's that?

Ah, pay no attention to the moving box!

The great and powerful ALF has spoken.

[chuckling]

Don't take him away from me, Willie. He's mine.

I'll do anything. Please.

ALF, you were telling the truth.

How many times does a guy have to spit on himself

before you believe him?

I knew it. I knew you couldn't eat him.

Then why didn't you say something? Stick up for me?

What if I was wrong and you ate him?

This is one of those logic puzzles, isn't it?

I've never been good at those.

Willie, can I keep him?

- No. - But why?

Well, I-I don't think it would be a good idea

i-i-in light of everything.

But he's my friend.

You don't realize how close you can get with someone

until you've had their head in your mouth.

You should really have somebody else do your arguing for you.

Dad, he obviously loves the kitten. Don't we owe it to him?

Well, what do we owe him?

Lynn, he-he brought these kittens

into our house without asking.

He tried to eat them.

He actually sat at the dining room--

Dad, look at him.

He'll be like the son I never had.

Okay, you can keep him.

Yeah!

Hey, did you hear that, little fella?

Yeah, you get to stay.

You know, Willie, my mom was wrong.

It is fun to play with your food.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Somewhere in this yard

your illustrious predecessor rests.

At least, that's what they told me.

They could be lying.

They're an odd family.

- Hi, ALF. What are you doing? - Hi, B.

I was just showing Flipper where Lucky was buried.

You named him Flipper? That's a stupid name.

Hey, don't criticize.

You haven't seen him underwater.

I wanna name him Lucky II.

Brian, are you trying to tell me that you like this kitten?

No.

Not even just a little?

Well, maybe a little.

Well, maybe a lot.

You know what?

I think you should go inside

and tell that to your folks.

- They like that kind of junk. - Okay.

You even look a little like Lucky.

Same fat cheeks.

Same meaty thighs.

Same delectable aroma.

Maybe I should keep him in my room.

Good idea, B. Why tempt fate?

[theme music]

[music continues]

[ALF laughs]