Original subtitles

Did you get my breath mints?

Oh, I'm sorry, Alf. I forgot.

Okay, but you're the one

who has to live with it.

[exhales]

I'll run down to the 7-Eleven.

Honey, did you get any more cotton swabs?

The tips are missing from all of these

and I can't help but feel

you probably know something about this.

Moths. It was moths.

Is that the best you can come up with?

I've got 'em, dad. Here, Alf.

At least we remembered your cotton balls.

What are you doing with all this cotton?

I've been experimenting with some new menu ideas.

You mean you're eating it?

Yeah, I also tried attic insulation

but it left me feeling bloated and unattractive.

It's funny that way.

But the cotton..

Ah, the cotton!

All the flavor of a fine polyester

with none of the unpleasant aftertaste.

Mm.

[theme music]

Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha!

Ha! Ho-ho!

Ho-ho-ho!

Alf?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, just a second, Kate.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha..

Alf, are you aware that that television isn't on?

Ha..

I wasn't watching TV.

Well, what are you laughing at, then?

Son of a gun, I don't remember.

Was I laughing?

Are you okay, Alf?

Hey! What say we get naked and do some chanting?

Well, look at that.

I'm halfway there! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Say, Alf, uh, do you ever think

that all this cotton you're eating

could be affecting your moods?

Definitely.

Don't you think you should cut down?

Why? What have you got against cotton?

Y'all Yankees? Ha-ha-ha-ha!

I think you should cut down, Alf.

Uh, here, let me help..

Alf. Alf!

Let me have this. I'll ration it out for you.

Alright, but now those Cheech and Chong movies

are gonna lose some of their poignancy.

[crickets chirping]

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(Alf) 'Hey, thank you, ladies and gentlemen.'

'I'm announcing my retirement.'

'Goodnight, and I love you.'

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- Huh? Huh? Honey? - Huh? What?

- Did you say something? - No.

I was just thinking how Sinatra's voice

has slipped over the years.

Uh, I'm sorry.

- Hm? - Huh?

Go to sleep.

Mm.

[Alf humming]

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I don't suppose we were having the same dream.

I don't know. How were your seats?

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(Alf) 'Now just the women sing!'

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Thank you! Thank you very much!

It's good to be back.

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Alf! Quiet!

Liza! Sammy! Dino!

Hey! Why don't we all tour together?

I thought I told you no more cotton.

I know what you're thinking.

And you're worried about our supply.

But this book here says

there's this land called Alabama

where cotton practically grows on trees.

Alf...it's almost 2 o'clock in the morning, okay?

Thanks. Last call.

Here. Everybody rip off a piece and pass it around.

We're not eating any pillow.

Then how do you intend to stay awake

for our drive to Alabama, huh?

Nobody's going to Alabama.

This is really gonna bum out the band.

We are all gonna go back to sleep.

You're gonna stop singing and send the band home.

Okay. But I never got treated like this at the golden nugget.

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Bri, did you tell Alf breakfast is ready?

- No. - Oh, thank you.

Oh...

[Alf yawns]

Hi, Alf.

Oh, somebody do something.

You could neuter me. I don't care.

I just want the anesthetic.

Oh..

Well, I hope you learned your lesson.

About what?

Would you like some aspirin?

Thanks. Would you get it for me?

Sure.

I never get past that childproof cap.

Would you like some juice with these?

Please.

I saw that.

Saw what?

I saw you take that cotton.

Brian did it!

Me? No, I didn't.

He's lying! J'accuse!

That's enough of that.

I saw you take that cotton with my own eyes.

I don't have to take this!

Now, I may be small, but I'm scrappy.

Come on! Who wants a piece?

Oh..

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Admit it, Alf.

You have a cotton problem.

We only want to help you.

Then stop trying to make me feel guilty.

Now, I say we go into the living room and dance!

Who's with me?

I know what you're thinking.

He doesn't have the guts to dance alone.

Ha! Well, that's where you're wrong.

'I'm doing it! I'm dancing alone!'

'And there's no music!'

Oh..

Just for the sake of argument

suppose I do have a problem?

Alf, please don't stare at me.

Oh! Was I staring?

Yes.

Still are.

Trust me, you're not gonna feel like this forever.

Yeah, Alf. Hang in there. We're all with you.

Thank you, Lynnie.

Willie, I need cotton bad!

No. No more cotton.

I know, I know.

And you're right! I had a terrible problem.

And I thank you for pointing it out.

But now I have it under control.

Ha. I do.

As you can see.

Alf, we're seeing more than you think.

Who asked you?!

Willie, my man, my best friend

what do you say we go into the den

put on some Helen Reddy, and get fibered?

No.

Then who needs you?

I don't know what else to do

but ride this out

hide all my underwear.

It's too bad we can't find

some sort of a support group that could help him.

Joanie's mom went to one of those

when she quit smoking.

She joined this group that helps people

control their compulsive habits.

She gained 50 pounds

and her fingers are stubs, but it worked.

What a great idea.

I think first thing tomorrow

I'm gonna throw him in the car and drive him

down to the Betty Ford clinic.

Well, no, but maybe we could find a group

that would be willing to meet with him here.

What are you gonna tell 'em

that he's some sort of a rare talking dog

with a cotton disorder?

Okay. Right. I have got a crazy idea.

You want me to take part in that group, don't you?

That's a great idea, dad.

See, that way, Alf could hide in the kitchen

and listen through the pass-through.

I don't want to make a fool of myself

in front of strangers...again.

Since Alf's been here

you've gotten so awfully good at it.

(Alf) 'Hallelujah!'

'The mother lode!'

Willie, he's got the lint screen.

Alf, give me the lint screen.

Yeah? Come and get it!

I think it's time we make that call.

[hisses]

While you're at it, see if you can get me a stun gun.

Don't make me use this.

[hisses]

Kate, these people you invited over

seem really messed up.

That's why they're here, Alf

to discuss their problems, and with the group's help

try to cope with them.

Who's the fat broad?

Oh, real nice.

Sorry. The woman with the..

Yeah, sure...gland problem.

That's Rita. She's trying to quit smoking.

And is eating cat food part of her therapy?

This is pate, thank you.

Oh, I don't care what kind of fancy handle you put on it.

It's still cat food!

Will you just keep quiet and listen.

We have all gone to a lot of trouble for you.

How much trouble does it take

to open up a couple of cans of kitty queen?

This is not cat food!

Hello.

Oh, ho ho.

Thanks.

I'm trying to quit smoking.

Yes, Rita. You mentioned that last tray.

Thank you, no. I've given up eating.

You know, when you're not smoking

the hardest thing to do

is to figure out what to do with your hands.

Is there anything on that tray

you don't want?

So, how long have you two been in this..

...support group?

Everybody, let's take our seats.

We're late starting the meeting.

Would you like to join us?

Oh, no, thank you, Rita.

Unfortunately, you, uh, caught me on a good day.

Everyone, we have a new member with us.

Willie.

Hello.

Hi, Willie.

- Hello. - Hello.

Would you like to tell us what brought you to our meeting?

Oh!

I just thought I'd sit here and listen if you don't mind

it's, it's my first time.

Well, Willie, the way it works

is that everyone takes their turn speaking.

See that puts us all on an equal footing.

Besides there are some who might resent you if you didn't.

I know I would.

Okay.

I'm, uh..

I'm..

I'm, uh..

I'm trying to quit smoking.

Your wife told us you were afraid to leave your house.

That's right. That, too.

Why do you think you smoke?

[snorts] Don't have a clue.

Would you excuse me, uh, just for a minute?

Willie! Don't you know how to knock?

You were going to eat that dish towel, weren't you?

This? Oh, I was just smelling it.

Hoping for a contact high.

[sniffs]

If you would've eaten that dish towel

I would've been very angry.

That's a sentence I never thought I hear myself say.

Where's Kate?

She went to get more pate.

But I told her there's still half a can of cat foot

left in the fridge.

Alf, they want to know why I smoke.

Willie, you smoke?

I want to help you, Alf, I really, really do.

But you have to want to get better, too.

Now, seriously

why do you think you need to eat cotton?

I don't know.

But surely you can't be happy like this.

You're right, I'm not! I'm a wreck!

Oh, Willie, I've got a monkey on my back.

It's a mean monkey

and it's hassling all the tourists for money.

- Make him go! - 'Willie?'

Well, I hate for you to see me like this.

Is my mascara running?

Okay. Okay, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna try to steer the conversation

around to something that you can relate to.

But this time, you have to listen.

You understand?

Alright, alright.

Hey. Reformed smokers are the worst.

Uh, I'm sorry.

So..

You want me to continue.

Uh, well, I guess my habit started

as something that I, I enjoyed

but then I, I couldn't control.

You know, that's how it was with my hand washing.

It was really fun at first

and then suddenly I just couldn't stop.

Are you under a lot of stress?

If you only knew.

It's amazing you haven't blown up like a balloon.

Get off my back.

You see, uh..

I don't get out all that much

and, uh, I think I must feel kind of bad about that

don't you think?

Why, you afraid of open spaces?

Or is it the crowds?

And the germs?

And the pushing and the touching and the sweating..

Ron, put that back. Be strong.

This isn't the time to backslide.

You see, um..

I, uh..

I guess what it amounts to is, uh

I'm afraid I might be seen by somebody.

Because I'm not from around here

and, uh..

...I don't think people would understand.

Where are you from?

- Ohio. - 'Ohio?'

Hey, I'm from Ohio.

Do you know Dr. Bisnick?

Do you ever think that everything

is gonna come crashing down around you

burying you in an avalanche of hopelessness?

I don't wanna hog all your time.

(Alf) 'Willie!'

That must be..

...my wife.

Won't you excuse me?

He's more messed up than I am.

Wh-what is it, Alf?

I don't know. Help me, Willie.

I'm scared.

Don't be afraid, Alf.

Look, you want to eat cotton.

Now, why? What's the reason? Think.

Please, just one bite of your pants

down by the cuff. I'm begging!

No, no, you don't want that.

- I do! - No, you don't!

For once I wish people would stop telling me what I want!

How do you know what I want?

I want..

Oh, I wanna go outside.

I wanna see someone who looks like me.

I'm lonely, Willie.

I want to go home!

I understand, Alf. I, I, I understand.

(Howard) 'Willie? We're waiting.'

I miss my family, my friends

party games you'd never let me play in a million years.

(Howard) 'Willie?'

I, I gotta go talk to Howard..

No, d-don't leave me!

- I.. - Please.

I won't. I-I won't leave you.

I'll be there in a minute, Howard!

I miss Saturday night aphid chews.

I miss my friends.

Especially Rhonda.

I remember one night after harness racing

she was helping me out of my bridle.

I had no idea.

Alf, you always joke about Melmac.

Well, it wasn't the most together planet.

But still... how'd you like to be

the only member of your species?

Sometimes I feel like I am.

But you have a family, Willie.

When you're, when you're talking with little Eric

talking that baby talk

you look so, so, so ridiculous.

It makes me realize

I'm never gonna be able to look half that ridiculous

with a little one of my own.

You can be ridiculous with our family

anytime you want.

And you are.

Ah, just not the same.

There's a bond that you have

that I never will.

[knock on door] 'Willie?'

Alf, quick. Under the table.

[knocking continues]

'Willie?'

- Hello, Willie. - Hello.

- Where's your wife? - Kate?

She's, uh, gone to get more pate.

Who was that yelling about wanting to go home?

Oh..

That would have to be me.

Isn't this your home?

Yes. Yes, it is. Thank you. I feel much better.

Now, I can't help you with the yelling at yourself part.

That's more than this group can possibly give you.

He's right.

I know.

I understand. Thank you.

And say goodbye to the others for me, will you?

Of course. Goodbye.

This is going to disappoint Ron.

I'm sorry you're lonely, Alf.

Thanks.

Well, eating cotton never solved anything.

There's another sentence I never thought

I'd hear myself say.

You gonna be okay?

I think so.

Talking about it helps.

Hey, you should try it.

Maybe it'll help you kick cigarettes.

I don't smoke!

Oh, so you can dish it out, but you can't take it.

Come on! I've been there. Talk to me.

Don't dance alone.

I'll remember that. Thanks.

Hey, no sweat, and tomorrow

go out and buy yourself some new underwear.

My treat.

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Aah!

Alf, were you having that dream again?

Yeah.

Being clean and sober's gonna be a lot harder

than I thought.

Oh..

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[theme music]

Ha-ha-ha!