Original subtitles

Brian. Game starts in half an hour.

Willie, Timmy's mother told me they call the pitcher

on the other team "The Headhunter."

What do you suppose that means?

It means Brian will probably get on base tonight.

Mom, dad, I feel lucky.

Don't forget to wear your batting helmet.

- Hi. - Oh, hi, ALF.

We're gonna go to Brian's game and then out for pizza.

You want us to bring you anything?

I'm too depressed to eat.

What's wrong?

Ah, they're fooling around with the universe.

Read this travesty of journalism

I found in this week's Inquisitor.

"Amazon Women found on Alpha Centauri." So?

Everyone knows that Alpha Centauri's

just a bunch of bowling alleys and divorced guys.

Oh, ALF, when will you learn not to take

anything in those tabloids seriously?

And when I hide something in the bottom of the garbage

I expect it to stay there.

Alright, here.

But I can't give you back the melon rinds.

That ship has sailed.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Okay, here's the last one.

"What German leader was responsible

for starting World War II?"

That's a toughie.

It was either Colonel Klink or Sergeant Schultz.

Probably Klink. Schultz could have never pulled it off.

- Hi, guys. - Anything for me?

[chuckles]

There you go, Mr. Mailing List.

"National Cat Society."

Ooh, my Ms. Magazine.

[gasps]

What is it, ALF?

It's from the National Inquisitor.

So?

Well, I sent them a nasty letter.

I'm afraid I rather abused the exclamation point.

They could be mad.

Biting mad.

Zsa Zsa Gabor mad.

Here's a reckless thought.

Why don't you open it and find out?

It might be booby-trapped!

It could explode upon contact with fur!

ALF, you're imagining things.

You've obviously never had a greeting card

go off in your hand.

Here, Lynn, you read it.

ALF, this isn't bad at all.

Drop it. It's gonna blow!

They'd like to know if you'd consider turning your letter

into an article for their next issue.

ALF, what did you say to these people?

I merely told them that Amazon-type females

do not live in Alpha Centauri, but on Xerxes Four.

Is that near where Melmac was?

It's in the tri-planet area.

ALF, they're willing to pay you $250 for the story.

What?

I'm gonna be read in one of America's most

highly-respected sleaze tabloids.

If only mom was here to see this!

[instrumental music]

Joanie, that's too bad.

Well, for what it's worth, it is never easy breaking up.

You'll feel better once the bitterness sets in.

[knocking on door]

Listen, I gotta go, okay?

I-I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye.

- Is that you again, ALF? - 'Yeah.'

- 'Can I come in?' - No.

- Too late. - ALF, I have to study.

I don't have time to read your article again.

Then I'll stare at you until you do.

Suit yourself.

[sighs]

It's fine, ALF.

Oh, arm wrestling for the captured

mating stock is really a good hook.

"Good?" You said "Great" the last four drafts.

ALF, this is only eight paragraphs in a sleazy magazine.

Are you kidding? This could launch my career!

Fine. Well, then it's perfect. Couldn't be better than this.

It redefines journalism as we know it.

I'd send it in just like it is.

(ALF) 'You hate it, don't you?'

[instrumental music]

Brian, it's not like you to get a 'D' on a test.

I'm sorry.

Whatever made you think that Colonel Klink

started World War II?

So it was Sergeant Schultz.

I didn't think he had it in him.

I'd say we've isolated the problem.

Brian, from now on you study alone.

And you.

We've been all through this, ALF

most of what you see on television is for entertainment.

It's not real.

That explains why the California Raisins don't return my calls.

Hi. Good news, they came in.

What did?

You mean you still haven't told them, ALF?

Oh, I hate hearing those words.

Oh-oh, it's not what you think, dad.

See, the Inquisitor asked ALF

to write an article about Amazon women in space.

The blood is draining from my head.

ALF, we have been trying to protect you

from the outside world.

Your writing articles for a national publication

kind of runs counter to that.

Chill out, Kate.

I did nothing to jeopardize

the good thing we've got going here.

Lynn, I'd expect this from an alien

but why on Earth would you help him?

But, dad, he wrote it under an assumed name.

"Mr. Universe."

I toyed with "Mr. Know-It-All"

but that was too on the nose.

I've read it, dad. It's pretty good.

- Pretty good? - Don't start!

- Let's see it. - It's on page five.

Oh, when did you add the part about them

riding around on the backs of two-headed lizards?

I didn't write that.

Everyone knows they cruise around

in four-wheel-drive vehicles! Braless!

This is the same magazine that broke the story

of Oprah's thin twin stealing her show.

What do you expect?

That's what's so confusing.

They get the Hollywood stories right

but miss with the space stuff.

Yeah. Real confusing.

- Okay, what are my options? - You have no options.

Okay, that's one.

You could sue them?

Now you're speaking my language.

Listen to me. You're not gonna do anything.

You're just gonna be grateful this didn't turn out any worse.

Okay, but you better hope

those big-boned babes don't come after you.

They'd snap you in half at the pelvis.

[instrumental music]

Marilyn Geiser, please?

Yes, I'll hold.

Stay calm. Stay calm.

[exhales]

Marilyn, babe, what in the ding-dong heck

are you doing down there?

You're busting my chops!

Who is this?

It's Mr. Universe.

Arnold?

No, the writer!

I wrote the story about the Amazon women on Xerxes Four.

The one you ruined!

I'm sorry. Could you be more specific?

The one you changed to two-headed flying lizards.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.

Oh, hey, sorry about that.

We bought a picture of a two-headed lizard

and had to use it somewhere.

Oh, and by the way, everyone loved the article.

You can't tell lies about my friends and get away with it!

A-are you saying you were abducted by aliens?

Were you taken forcibly?

- No! - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

So you, uh, you went voluntarily?

Yeah. No, no. It was a long weekend.

Her mothers were out of town.

Oops.

[imitates call waiting]

Uh, there goes my call waiting. I have to go.

Uh, uh, Mr. Universe, uh..

Would you mind granting us an interview?

We'll pay you $250.

No, I can't!

$500!

Okay, okay, look. I'll tell you what, Mr. Universe.

By granting us this interview

we'll give you a chance to set the record straight, I promise.

Could you have that made out to cash?

Absolutely.

- Fire away. - Oh, no, no, no.

Not on the phone. We'll be right over.

Wait! Wait! Hey! Hey!

Willie's gonna freak.

[instrumental music]

Willie, you got a moment for a pal?

What is it, pal?

Well, remember earlier when all the blood rushed from your head?

Yes. Why?

- It might happen again. - What do you mean?

You didn't write another angry letter

to the National Inquisitor, now did you?

Another option!

Where were you an hour ago when I called them?

- You called them? - Wait.

Save some blood, there's more.

More?

They're on their way over.

[doorbell rings]

Well, they'll fill in the rest.

Well, wh-what did you tell them?

Oh, I called my editor to express my anger and outrage.

And somehow she got it in her head

that I had contact with aliens.

What a kook, huh?

[doorbell rings]

Get in the kitchen.

I love it when you take charge, man. I really do.

Why me?

Hello. Mr. Universe?

I'm sorry. I think you want the gym down the street.

[chuckles] That's strange.

I'm sorry. I'm Marilyn Geiser.

We've been communicating with a Mr. Universe at this address.

We don't receive mail at this address.

That's pretty lame.

Okay, okay, look, look, if it's the money

we're willing to go as high as $750.

[sighs]

I can't help you. Uh, don't. Uh, plea..

You can see I'm very busy. Would you mind..

Would you stop that, please? Plea..

If you don't get out of here immediately

I'm calling the police.

Okay, hey. Suit yourself.

Come on, Phil.

You owe me a big one, buster.

I really appreciate it.

- Now get them back. - What?

That yahoo might have taken my picture!

- Oh, no! - Yeah!

Get them back before they drive away with the film.

How?

Do I have to think of everything?

Oh, miss. Oh, miss?

Will you get out of here?

No, wait. Wait!

What's going on? Why is dad yelling?

Why is he chasing that van?

The photographer accidentally took my picture.

- We have to get it back! - How do we do that?

You're just like your father.

Quick, they're coming. Get in the kitchen.

I knew you'd change your mind.

What was it, huh? The money?

Okay. Where's that nice photographer?

Oh, he's out in the van.

He's afraid of you.

Well, if, uh, I'm gonna do this thing

I wanna have my picture taken.

My, aren't we Mr. Cooperative all of a sudden.

Hey, Phil! Come on back in.

Well, let's just get right to it, shall we?

How did the so-called aliens first make contact with you?

Whoa.

Didn't see that one coming.

You are good.

Hey, Phil.

Nice to see you again.

Oh..

What are you doing?

I'm reloading my camera.

But what happened to the film you had?

I used it up.

[loudly] So, what you're saying is

your other film is in the van?

[loudly] Yeah.

Good, dad. Real subtle.

- What are we gonna do? - Alright.

We break into a doctor's office, steal an X-ray machine

and push it back and forth in front of the van.

ALF, you don't need a doctor's office.

Then where do you expect me to get an X-ray machine?

All you have to do is go into the van

and expose all of the film.

Well, it's a little far-fetched, but it could work.

Good thinking. That's why you barely made it into college.

Okay, go.

I'll tell dad to stall. You guys just go get the film.

Oh, then I found myself on an examining table

in a room full of light.

Uh..

A kind of light that I-I've never seen before.

They spoke, but, uh, their lips never moved.

- Dad. - Lynn..

Lynn. Really, really glad to see you.

Uh, Marilyn, Phil, this is my daughter, Lynn.

- Hi. - Uh..

These people are from the National Inquisitor.

I know. It's nice to meet you.

Say, dad, can I talk to you about something

entirely off the subject?

Of course, dear. If you'll excuse us..

- So, what do you think? - So far, so good.

This is the first UFO victim we've talked to

who speaks in complete sentences

and doesn't wear his name on his belt.

Lynn, how could you let Brian do that?

- He's only aiding and abetting. - Oh.

Besides, you should have heard ALF's plan.

I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

Oh, you're doing great, dad.

That lip thing was inspired.

I don't know how many more "Star Treks" I've got in me.

Oh, how about the one where they went to that planet

where all their wishes came true?

I wish I were there now.

Look, I'll do what I can.

You let me know as soon as they're safe.

ALF, have you found the film?

No, but they got a picture of Roseanne Barr in the nude.

That's a keeper.

[shudders]

Whoa.

Oh, hey, they've got a refrigerator in here.

ALF, hurry up!

Oh, rats!

A great setup like this, and all he's got in here is film.

Now I'm really hungry.

Go ahead. You were saying..

I found myself

floating weightless through a dense fog.

It was unlike any fog I ever floated in before.

Wow.

Darn right wow.

You, uh, you wrote in your article, um

about how the Amazons used their, their male captives

as, as love slaves.

Uh, that's kind of personal.

That's why it sells.

So..

Well, there wasn't, uh, a lot of affection.

[door opens]

- Oh, hi, honey. - Kate..

Uh, Kate, these people are here from the Inquisitor.

They're here to get Mr. Universe's story.

Well, isn't that something.

Where is...Mr. Universe?

- It's okay, honey. They know. - They know?

About my travels to other solar systems? Yes.

That's nice.

I'm gonna go check on the baby.

Mrs. Universe, your husband was just about to tell us

what it was like to be the main-course

at an Amazon love feast.

Or I could sit in.

Continue, please.

It was very hot.

It was like a heat I've never felt before.

ALF, did you find it?

Just a few more rolls to go.

However, I could use a cream soda to wash down this ASA 400.

Just hurry up!

[belches]

[belches]

This is much too good to waste on an article.

I'm telling you, if you're interested

I can get you a book deal out of this.

- Mission accomplished. - Great. I'll signal dad.

Uh, thanks for the offer, but, uh, I think I've said enough.

I wish you'd reconsider.

I'd like you to leave now.

I-I can get you an advance of $1500 right now.

Mrs. Universe, can't you reason with him.

No offense, Marilyn, but weren't you the least bit suspicious

when he referred to the leader of the Amazons

as "Lieutenant Uhura?"

I don't believe you people.

You twist around the truth, you invade our homes

you take our picture without my permission

and then you have the nerve to try to buy me off?

But you ran after us to come back.

- Shut up, Phil. - Yes, sir.

What's worse is you sat here and listened to me

make up story after story from old "Star Trek" episodes

and not only did you not notice, you offered me a book deal.

Well..

You obviously haven't made the transition

back to society very well.

Come on, Phil.

I don't need this, you know.

I've got a picture of Roseanne Barr

that's gonna make me rich.

Now, the next time you leave the galaxy, Willie

we go together.

[laughing]

- Way to go, dad. - I'm proud of you.

Uh, speaking of leaving the galaxy

I'd like to have a word with ALF. Where is he?

He said he needed a minute to cover his tracks.

You mean you left him in the van?

Hey, it's my first heist.

Oh, no!

Marilyn. Phil. Wait up.

Where's Willie going?

ALF, we all thought you were in the van.

Willie, stop!

He's a good guy to have on your side.

And surprisingly fast.

[instrumental music]

ALF calling Fat Man.

ALF calling Fat Man.

Come in, Your Buickness.

(Fat Man) 'Who is calling at this hour?'

It's ALF.

You wanna hear what I learned this week?

(Fat Man) 'No. I don't.'

I learned that freedom of the press is a right

not a privilege.

And those rights should be protected

for without them, Earthlings are lost.

(Fat Man) 'Didn't you used to go with that cute little brunette?'

Uh, sir, I can see you're still one sandwich short of a picnic.

(Fat Man) 'Is that a new outfit?'

Oh, yeah. I had to change it for legal reasons.

Until next week.

[gasps]

Whoa!

That'll teach me to eat film before going to bed.

[belches]

[theme music]

[music continues]

[ALF laughs]