Original subtitles

¶ This is the way we diaper our kid ¶

¶ Diaper our kid diaper our kid ¶

¶ This is the way we diaper our kid and.. ¶

¶ This is how we drop it ¶¶

What are you doing?

Practicing for when the baby comes.

How well do Earth children bounce?

Not very.

Then what do people mean when they say

"Bouncing baby boy?"

It's an expression, not a suggestion.

Here, this is how you do it.

You put the diaper on like this

and you fold it over like this

and you fasten it..

...here..

...and here.

Like this. See?

Here, now you try it.

It's used now. Yuck.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

It's-it's time!

Keep hat on shelf.

That is good.

Hi, ALF, what you watching?

I'm not watching, I'm studying.

Studying what?

The Petrie method of childbirth.

But this is "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

Exactly.

You see, Rob Petrie was the consummate TV father.

That's why Ritchie turned out to be such a mensch.

Well, dad told me where babies come from

and he never mentioned "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

Your father is a good man

but sometimes I think his hefty bag's not twist-tied.

Doctor says, "Any day now, any day now.."

Hardly a week before..

Brian, I have told you a hundred times

not to leave your baseball glove on the floor.

Oh-oh, here comes Crabzilla.

Sorry, mom. How was your nap?

Obviously, not long enough.

Look, ALF, a woman's body goes through

a lot of changes when she's pregnant.

She can't always control her emotions.

Oh.

I'm sorry if I've been hard on you guys.

That's alright, mom.

Dad says no matter how cranky you get

we should just humor you.

You can tell your father to take his humor and sit on it.

Sure, mom, whatever you say.

Hey, hey, just because you're trucking a wide load

doesn't mean you shouldn't observe the social graces.

You know, the worst Laura Petrie ever did

was an occasional, "Oh, Rob."

Laura Petrie?

I'm studying up to help you have your baby.

And you're studying..

"The Dick Van Dyke Show."

Of course.

ALF, that's very sweet of you to wanna help

but in this particular case

I think Willie is a little more qualified.

Yeah? Then where is he, huh?

Answer me that, huh? Where, huh?

Where, huh, huh, huh, where?

I'm home.

I hate when he does that.

Something I should know about?

Only if you write for "The Alan Brady Show."

Nothing I should know about.

I'm placing myself at the ready

to assist mommy dearest over there

with her blessed event.

Uh, traditionally, ALF, that's the father's role.

Really?

On Melmac, the father's role

was to stand back and yell, "Pull! Pull!"

- Don't you mean, "Push, push?" - No.

On Melmac, the mother gave birth

while the father went skeet shooting.

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

Hey, Kate, did you know that some doctors say

that women should give birth standing up?

It's time! It's time!

Stand up!

Relax, ALF, it's not time.

Well, isn't it about time it was time?

Willie, you're wearing pajamas.

ALF, I'm going to bed.

But when Laura was expecting Ritchie

Rob slept in his suit every night.

Actually it wasn't a suit, it was a sports coat

and slacks and a nice tie

and he kept his hat on the shelf above the bed

and I'm not sure what he did about his shoes.

- Am I babbling? - Yes.

I know, I know, Melmackians do that

when they're nervous, also during white sales.

I'll stop now. I'm gonna stop. I'm stopping.

Here I go. I'm still doing it. I forgot how to stop!

ALF, ALF, ALF, just.. Okay, breathe, breathe.

- In...out. - Breathe like that. Fine.

In...out.

I'll breathe. I'm breathing.

[gasps] It didn't help.

[gasps] What if I can't stop?

What if I talk like this forever?

I'll sound like Madeline Kahn.

[gasping]

You've gotta calm down about this baby, ALF.

That's easy for you to say.

You're phlegmatic.

I'm tremulant.

Besides, on "The Dick Van Dyke Show--"

Oh, ALF, I have told you a hundred times

"The Dick Van Dyke Show" was just television.

They exaggerated things to make 'em funny.

And Laura Petrie was a character.

Uh, the actress who played her wasn't even pregnant

when she did the show.

I suspected that.

She never did get as big as Mount St. Katherine here.

Exactly.

I'm sorry, dear.

First I'm cranky, now I'm fat.

Honestly, Willie, I don't know why you even married me.

Could we, could, could we talk about this later?

ALF, I have helped my wife.

The cranky, fat one?

ALF.

Hey, Roseanne Barr built a career on it.

I have helped my delightful, slender wife safely

through two pregnancies

and I will help her through this one

without extraterrestrial assistance.

Is that clear?

Fine.

I'll make like Imelda Marcos and shoe.

Willie, did you pack that overnight bag?

No.

No.

No.

You use that to christen the baby.

[instrumental music]

[laughter on TV]

Are you all finished with your own personal little doings?

No. I ain't had an answer on my turnovers yet.

I'll take one. Now will you go?

- 'My pleasure.' - 'No, mine!'

Yeah, he's here. Hey, Rob, it's your wife.

- I think this is it! - Oh, hand me the phone!

Watch out!

The Danish with the health clause.

I'm sorry, I'll pay for it all.

- You're gonna pay for it? - I'll pay for it.

- Walk on them. Look-- - I got it. Ow! Ooh!

[indistinct chattering]

Look! This is my favorite part.

- Pay for it? - I'll pay--

You know, ALF

if you really wanted to help mom out

you could pitch in with some of the housework.

No, can't do, Lynn-cognito.

Since no one else is taking our baby boom seriously

I must commit this video verisimilitude to memory.

ALF, having a baby is a perfectly natural thing.

Mom's gonna get through it just fine.

That's what they said about The Hindenburg.

You know, that other blimp.

How are you? Oh, my gosh.

Honey, keep calm, keep calm, honey, just don't panic.

Th-there's nothing to get excited about.

Honey, I'm coming home. I'll be home.. No, wait.

You'll wait for me? No. You better not..

Wait for me, if you can, if you can't wait for me

don't wait for me. I wanna be with you.

Okay. I love you. This is it, James.

- Hey, Rob! - Uh?

- Didn't you forget something? - 'Oh, ah..'

[telephone rings]

(ALF) 'Yeah, what?'

Oh, hi, ALF. It's Kate.

Oh, my gosh.

Uh, honey, keep calm.

Keep calm, honey.

Uh, call Willie.

No. I'll call Willie.

Where is he? Never mind.

Willie!

ALF, ALF, what's going on?

How far apart are the contractions?

Did you boil the water yet?

How do you expect me to help you if you won't calm down?

ALF, will you just listen to me for one minute?

Okay. Okay. Everything is under control.

Aah!

- There, I'm fine now. - What's going on?

Uh, I'm seeing your mother

through the miracle of childbirth.

Oh, I hope I don't throw up.

Give me that.

Mom, is everything okay?

Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.

I'll take care of it. Bye.

It's time! Call an ambulance.

It's time to take the pot roast

out of the freezer for dinner.

I mean, really, ALF..

I've had Kate's pot roast.

We'll need an ambulance anyway.

[instrumental music]

[clicks]

Honey, it's time.

Honey, it's time.

Honey, it's time!

What? Whoops!

What?

Nineteen seconds there, Wilmington.

The baby will be able to drive Kate to the hospital

by the time you wake up.

ALF, what are you doing here?

Labor drill.

And it's a darn good thing.

No, it's not, it's not, it's a darn bad thing.

ALF, you've got to stop all this.

The baby will get here when he or she is good and ready.

If you really, really wanna help me

just, please, relax.

Relax, she says.

Anyone would think she was the one having this baby.

- I am the one having this baby! - Shh! Shh! Shh!

Gee! Calm down, Kate-A-Clysm.

All this animosity can't be good

for the Tannerlet.

Well, neither is being woken up

in the middle of the night.

Alright. Alright.

I'll just sit right over there

and not make a peek.

Oh, Willie.

Willie, make him stop.

Willie, make him go.

[mumbling]

Stop? Go?

Make up your mind.

Ohh!

Willie, I'm a tired

pregnant woman, Willie.

I know. I know, dear.

You left out fat and cranky.

Help me out of this bed, Willie.

Well, I know when I'm not wanted.

[Kate sighs]

Oh, ho-ho, you are wanted alright.

You just stay right, right there!

Keep this up, Kate

and you'll get no baby gift from me.

Dad?

What did you do to these pancakes?

Well, I-I added muesli

and, uh, chop nuts

and some raisins.

Why?

To make them good for you.

I thought they tasted good for me.

Has anyone seen ALF this morning?

Oh, yes. We saw him at 3:02, 5:17, and 6:28.

- Night rounds again? - Mm-hmm.

He wanted to make sure I wasn't having the baby in my sleep.

I think it's sweet that ALF's so worried about you.

Fine. I'll have him be sweet to you for a while.

[yawning]

[burping]

Oh. Morning, Tanners.

Oh!

Would someone mind pouring four or five gallons

of coffee on my head?

You look awful, ALF.

Yeah? Well, you're short.

Did you get any sleep at all last night?

Who could sleep at a time like this?

- I can. - Same here.

- Me, too. - So can I.

Why do I feel like I'm having this baby

all by myself?

ALF, as much as we dislike

being wakened in the middle of the night

we really do appreciate your concern.

Isn't that right, Kate?

No.

Well, anyway..

As I've told you on numerous occasions

we're perfectly capable of handling this birth

without your turning the event

into one of your overreaction festivals.

I, I realize that was a very long sentence

but I-I hope I've made myself clear.

[snoring]

ALF.

ALF?

Oh, oh, it's time! It's time, it's time!

Oh.

[instrumental music]

Intercepts, he turns

he aims, he shoots.

Yes. He scores.

A new record for Kareem Alfdul Jabbar.

And the crowd goes wild.

[cheering]

What are you doing?

Inventing didey ball.

Hey, wanna play a little one on one and a half?

Not at 3 o'clock in the morning.

What are you doing up at this hour?

[Kate sighs]

This is it. This is it!

- This is-- - Not it.

Your color commentary woke me up.

Hey, I have to do something to keep myself awake.

Otherwise, I'd fall asleep.

Sleep.

Doesn't that sound good, ALF?

Huh, doesn't it sound good?

To-to put your, put your head down

let your eyes get heavy?

Yes, ALF.

Just, just drift off to dreamland.

Oh. Don't test me, Kate.

I promised to help bring the newest Tanner into the world

and a Melmackian

almost never goes back on his word sometimes.

ALF, I promise.

We can handle this.

Go to sleep.

Hey, I understand

that your moods are swinging like Benny Goodman.

But never fear.

I'm here for you.

I give up.

I give up, but if you insist on staying up

at least be quiet.

No problem.

I think I'll invent diaper tennis.

Where do we keep our big net?

No big net.

Little net?

Lose the net.

Well, who needs a net?

I'm a hoop man, myself.

Yes! Oh, endorse your new line of athletic shoes?

Ha, I'd be a heel not to.

Ha! Write that down.

We could use it in the tele-blurb.

Ha, no autographs.

Positively.

[yawning]

Well, no autographs.

[instrumental music]

- 'You alright?' - 'Oh, I'm-I'm fine, honey.'

Well, I'm gonna bring the car out front.

- Don't-don't be too long. - 'Huh.'

(Kate) 'I'm moving as fast as I can in this condition.'

ALF, it's time, it's time.

Dad's taking mom to the hospital.

[snoring]

'ALF?'

Alf, wake up. It's really time.

Poor little guy.

Here you go.

[instrumental music]

[yawning]

Must've dozed off.

[baby cooing]

Holy stork invasion, Batman.

How'd that get in here?

Willie!

Oh, you're awake.

You're finally awake.

- Are you alright? - I'm fine.

But that thing in the crib

looks an awful lot like a B-A-B-Y.

I know.

ALF, I'd like you to meet my son

'Eric William Tanner.'

We just brought him home this morning.

- Did I miss something here? - You sure did.

Lynn tried and tried to wake you up

when we left for the hospital

but you, you were out like a light.

You know, you've been asleep for almost two days?

You mean, I slept through the whole thing?

I'm afraid so.

Well, Kate couldn't have waited until I woke up?

It seemed impractical.

I can't believe it.

Guess you guys really didn't need me, after all.

I'm such a mokes.

It's not that you weren't needed, ALF.

It's just that when a woman starts

to actually have a baby

you're not..

...needed.

You understand?

Yeah. I guess so.

What are you thinking about, Willie?

Oh.

I was just remembering the first day

we brought Lynn home from the hospital.

And then Brian..

...and now this little guy.

I've never seen you this happy.

Ah.

I've never seen anybody this happy.

Well, of course I'm happy, ALF.

We've helped to create a brand-new life here.

I think maybe that's the most important thing

a person ever gets to do.

Guess I'll never know, will I?

Oh, I'm sorry, ALF.

In all the excitement

I-I didn't think about that.

On Melmac..

...I never thought much about having kids.

You know how it is when you're in your 220s.

You think you have all the time in the world.

I can imagine.

But now..

...when I realize that it's never gonna be possible

for me to be a father--

Don't say that.

LA's a lonely town

when you're the only orange boy around.

You can't give up hope, ALF.

If it's that important to you, you can never give up hope.

In the meantime, we're gonna need your help

bringing up Eric.

You are?

Well, sure, who else is gonna teach him

about boo-yah baseball, and pasta polo

and other sports involving the hurling

of inappropriate objects?

Like gerbil hockey?

No.

Hi, ALF. You finally woke up, huh?

Yeah. Hey, guess you got a brother now?

Yeah. Mom says it's time to feed him.

Okay. Tell her we'll be in a minute, B.

Looks like you.

Thanks.

On the other hand, all white babies look like you.

Say hi to ALF, Eric.

Hey, Eric.

How you doing, Eric?

He smiled at me.

I'm sure he did.

[instrumental music]

So anyway, the Tanners decided I could stay.

And here I am.

It's not a bad place to live, actually.

Kate takes a little getting used to.

But you probably already figured that part out.

Well, Willie said he needed me

to help teach you about stuff.

So I thought I'd start with the most important thing.

These are the channel control buttons.

And this one here, is the volume control.

And this one..

...that's the entire world

right at your fingertips.

Whoa.

This is the life, huh, Ricochet?

Well, wait a minute how would you know?

You're brand-new.

Well, trust me.

This is the life.

Oh, now let me tell you a little bit about Mel Coley.

He's the tall guy with the glasses.

He's a lot like Willie.

Although they don't have the same prescription

I don't think.

There, there, look, look.

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]