Original subtitles

Oh, come on, everybody, we'll be late. Let's go.

I got your tie, B.

Don't forget your baseball mitt, Brian.

How come?

You'll have a better chance

of catching the bridal squid.

On Earth, we don't throw marine life at weddings.

Then why get married?

Good point.

Hey, Kate..

...give this to the bride with my regards.

You're not giving away my Tupperware.

Of course, I'm not.

Tell her to fill it with food.

I love wedding buffets.

You know, I may be sorry I ask this

but what are you gonna be doing

while we're gone?

Oh, I don't know.

Between, uh, Brian's chemistry set

and Willie's matchbox collection

I'll find something.

I've rented you these tapes..

...ALF, to keep you occupied

and to keep you out of trouble.

Oh, not "Ishtar" again.

No, these are classics, you've never seen these.

This one is "The Sheik" with Rudolph Valentino.

And the other one's a film by Charlie Chaplin.

Kick the TV, Willie, the color's gone out.

[laughs] No, these are black and white movies, ALF.

How am I supposed to see Rudolph's red nose?

And turn up the sound.

I can't hear the actors.

These movies are silent.

I might as well be reading.

Give 'em a chance, ALF, you might like 'em.

Come on, guys, let's go.

Oh, some classic, look at that.

A guy riding around the desert and a bunch of camels.

[door closes]

Who you folks trying to kid?

This is "Ishtar."

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[telephone rings]

- Hello. - 'Hi, ALF, it's me.'

Oh, say, hey, Willie Mays.

Is this the obligatory check on the careless alien call?

Well, yes, actually.

Uh, what are you doing now?

I'm watching the tapes you left me.

You know, these silent flicks sort of grow on one.

Well, we'll be home in just a couple of hours.

Bye.

- Hello, Jake? - 'Hi, ALF.'

You know how to spell stuff, don't ya?

[indistinct]

Yeah.

(Jake) 'Yo, ALF.'

Yo, Jakernaut.

What do you want?

I need you to help me write the script

for my silent movie.

Why are you writin' a silent movie?

'Cause they don't write themselves.

Listen to this.

"Fade in, on a vast desert landscape.

"My trusty Arabian steed races over the dunes

"to my desert oasis.

"Waiting inside my tent

"my luscious and devoted wives

"swoon with desire.

I have returned."

[Jake laughing]

What?

You as a sheik with a harem?

Every sheik has a harem.

It's considered chic.

Ha ha!

I kill me!

Huh. Hmm.

Maybe I could work that into the script.

That's what I mean.

I see you more as a comedy-type guy.

Like Charlie Chaplin?

Like Cousin Itt.

Let's not get too ambitious on our first movie.

We'll start with Chaplin.

It's 1929.

Iris in.

[instrumental music]

The little scamp must beg for every scrap of food.

A situation with which I am painfully familiar.

[music continues]

Willie can play the cop who always butts in

and never lets me do anything.

He's perfect for that.

[music continues]

[inaudible dialogue]

[music continues]

Ha! Grand re-opening.

Ha! I really fooled Willie that time.

You type for a while.

You've got 25 percent more fingers.

Hey, ALF, is anybody else gonna get to be in your movie

besides Willie and Kate?

Like who?

I don't know. Maybe like, uh

Lynn or Brian or somebody else.

Hmm.

Brian and Lynn.

Good idea, Jake-around-the-tree.

Take this down.

In the next scene..

After a hard day of begging

the little scamp has only one penny to his name

and not a friend in the world.

[instrumental music]

Then a beautiful flower girl

sits down beside him.

[music continues]

[inaudible dialogue]

She's astounded by his striking good looks.

(Jake) Say what?

(ALF) She's blind, alright?

That could be Lynn's part.

And Brian can play her little brother

shoeshine boy.

[music continues]

[inaudible dialogue]

(Jake) Okay, so what happens next?

(ALF) They invite me home for dinner.

[instrumental music]

And they're real poor.

They're so poor, the widow Kate

has to take in laundry to pay the rent.

But when I show up for dinner

Kate welcomes me with open arms.

(Jake) That doesn't sound like Kate.

(ALF) It's my movie.

[inaudible dialogue]

[music continues]

[inaudible dialogue]

So I say, "Psst, you're eating footwear."

Ha ha ha!

I love that scene. Brilliant!

It was in a Charlie Chaplin movie.

So what, Jake Hammer?

Haven't you ever heard the old saying

"Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism?"

Suddenly, there's a knock at the door.

It's Jake Ochmonek, the next door neighbor.

[imitates buzzer buzzing]

Wrong.

(ALF) Back at the widow Kate's

there's a knock at the door.

[instrumental music]

[inaudible dialogue]

It's the evil landlord Colonel Trevor

and his evil spouse, Lady Raquel.

They've come to collect the evil rent.

[music continues]

[inaudible dialogue]

So Trevor and Raquel take the money

that was supposed to be for Brian and Lynn's operations.

Without me, there'd be no hope left.

[inaudible dialogue]

That's when I say

"Don't cry, I will get the money

for your operations."

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Oh!

How am I gonna get the money for the operations?

I got an idea.

What is it?

Well, uh, what'll you give me for it?

What do you want?

A part in the movie.

Everybody else is in the movie.

That's all? You got it.

I was afraid you wanted to direct.

- I'll take that. - Forget it, Jake-in-the-Box.

- No can do. - Fine, fine.

You keep your job, and I'll keep my idea.

Okay, okay, you can direct.

What's your idea for the next scene?

(Jake) Okay, your character comes up

with a brilliant plan.

Instead of sellin' all the flowers

you tie a string to one flower

and sell it over and over again.

[instrumental music]

(ALF) Great plan.

But you forgot about Officer Willie.

He'll probably arrest us.

(Jake) Bribe him.

(ALF) Well, let's say he falls for that

for the sake of argument.

We're still back where we started, only worse.

[music continues]

There's a knock at the door.

(Jake) Again?

(ALF) It works, just type.

(Jake) Yeah, yeah. So who is it?

(ALF) Lady Raquel, the evil spouse of the evil landlord.

(Jake) Again?

(ALF) She lost her earring. Yeah, that's it.

And-and when she's snooping around

she finds a strange hair.

[music continues]

So she calls the cops.

(Jake) Why?

(ALF) Because it's a violation of the lease.

If a non-human is found on the premises

the landlord can throw the family into the street.

Ha ha ha.

[music continues]

[inaudible dialogue]

[music continues]

[music intensifies]

[music continues]

[inaudible dialogue]

Now comes the romantic part.

Officer Willie is smitten by the widow Kate.

Who's smitten with Officer Willie

who incidentally reminds her of her late husband

who was smitten by a dump truck.

[music continues]

And so Kate invites Willie to stay for dinner.

(Jake) And what's for dinner?

Ha ha!

All these people eat is shoes and socks.

I love it.

And they live happily ever after.

The end.

Got that? Fade out, the end.

You didn't type the end.

Because the story isn't over yet.

Lynn and Brian didn't get their operations

and the evil landlord didn't get his just desserts.

Let's save that for the sequel.

Skip dinner, and have just desserts ourselves.

But what becomes of the little scamp?

Alright, alright, we'll finish the film.

What a slave driver.

That's why I'm the director.

(ALF) The little scamp packs his meager possessions

in his meager valise.

Suddenly, Kate comes home.

She doesn't want him to leave.

(Jake) That really doesn't sound like Kate.

(ALF) She'll do it. It's called acting.

[instrumental music]

Suddenly, they hear the doorbell.

[inaudible dialogue]

(Jake) Who is it this time?

(ALF) It's the evil landlord Colonel Trevor.

When he sees that the coast is clear

he makes a pass at Kate.

Little does he know the little scamp

is hiding under the table with a camera.

(Jake) Where'd he get a camera?

(ALF) From the prop department, where else?

[music continues]

[inaudible dialogue]

[music continues]

So I've saved the day

gotten the money for Brian and Lynn's operations

and sent the evil Colonel Trevor away for good.

Then, as soon as he's gone guess who shows up?

(Jake) Whitney Houston?

(ALF) No. It's Lynn.

Somebody bought all her flowers.

- Who? - Officer Willie, of course.

[music continues]

[instrumental "Here Comes the Bride"]

Fade out. The end.

But what about Lynn and Brian's operations?

I said, "Fade out. The end."

Uh-huh, I still got the typewriter.

You know what you are, Francis Ford Jakola?

You're a stickler for detail.

I hate that in a neighbor.

Dissolve to the hospital waiting room.

(ALF) The soon to be married widow Kate

and the smitten with true love Officer Willie

await the results of Lynn and Brian's operations.

[instrumental music]

[inaudible dialogue]

[inaudible dialogue]

[music continues]

I can talk! I can talk!

[music continues]

Okay, Mr. Director

any more loose ends you wanna tie up

or can we just type, the end, now?

The end.

Well, this is gonna be bafo, socko.

A box office bonanza.

It's the greatest story ever told.

Don't get carried away, ALF, it's not that good.

Well, not yet.

But once we add sound, colorize it

and stick Eddie Murphy in there someplace

it'll be a smash.

[instrumental music]

It will.

[instrumental music]

- I loved that. - Yeah.

- So did I.. - Oh.

ALF, are you in there?

[inaudible dialogue]

"I'm not ALF. I'm the sheik."

[laughing]

I get it. He's pretending to be in a silent movie.

Hmm.

Alright, sheik, you will now put every single sheet

and pillow back on the bed you took it from.

Is that clear?

[inaudible dialogue]

"Perfectly clear, Kate."

[chuckles]

Ha ha ha!

You people are so predictable.

Ha ha ha!

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]