Original subtitles

Hey, ALF. What are you doing?

Tying a slip knot. But I can't get it to not slip.

Say, that's not my good string, is it?

Willie, if you have good string

you've got to get out more.

Brian? It's 10 to 7:00.

We're gonna be late for the scout meeting.

(Brian) 'Coming, dad.'

Don't tell me, Willie, you made a few calls

and got him into the National Guard.

Must you make that joke

every time you see Brian in his uniform?

Yes. Next question.

Well, I think you look great, B.

Thanks, dad.

Seeing you in that uniform really takes me back.

Obviously not back far enough.

Back to my old days as a Badger Scout.

You were a Badger Scout?

I mean you went outside and everything?

There has been more to my life than going to work, you know.

I know. You also take off your glasses and rub your nose a lot.

I was a Badger Scout for four years.

I earned 11 badges

and I received an award in fire prevention

which has proven far more useful

than I ever would have dreamed possible.

Brian, let's go.

These aren't very good knots, ALF.

Stop badgering me..

...you little badger.

Come on. Come on, B, we're late.

- Bye, ALF. - Bye.

Oh! Oh.

Car keys.

Sheepshank.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

I don't get it, Kate.

I'm here during the day.

Well, I know, ALF, but I-I still think that a daycare center

would be best for the baby when I go back to work.

Are you saying you'd rather trust your child

to total strangers than to me?

Well, not-not to hurt your feelings, ALF, but..

...oh, yeah.

Mom, you majored in art history in college, didn't you?

- Mm-hm. - Did you like it?

Oh, very much. Why?

I'm trying to pick my courses for next year

but I don't know which courses to pick

because I haven't decided on what I'm gonna major in.

Forget college.

Enter the fast-paced world

of medical and dental assistantry.

You can keep your present job

and train at night.

Honey, wha-what do you think you might be interested in?

You may be eligible for veteran's training benefits.

Will you be quiet?

But I haven't told you what the operators are doing.

- ALF. - They're standing by.

Then there was this time we were digging a latrine

out behind the patrol tent..

...and out of nowhere this big skunk

comes in and sprayed everybody.

You wouldn't believe the stench!

Could this wait until I finish my popcorn..

...and get my own apartment?

No, I'm passing along my campfire memories

to Badger Brian, if you don't mind.

How'd your scout meeting go, Bri?

- Okay. - Okay?

It was fantastic.

Brian here is gonna go

on his first overnight next Saturday.

Oh, that's great, Bri!

Yeah, real great.

Now we have to listen a week

of the adventures of Willie Crockett

king of the wild front lawn.

Well, it's obvious you've never experienced

the joys of roughing it.

So sue me. I'm a couch alien.

I'm going to change.

Brian's gonna love communing with nature. I know I did.

Falling asleep under the stars

the cool ground beneath you

warming your hands by an open fire.

What were you, a Badger Scout or a wino?

Must you discourage everything I do?

Yes. Next question.

[instrumental music]

Sleeping bag?

Yeah.

Poncho?

Yeah.

Mess kit?

It's in the closet.

I'll get it.

- 'Brian?' - What?

'What's a mess kit?'

It's got a knife and a fork and some pans.

I got it.

Why don't you pack some important stuff?

Like tacoroni?

I don't care. Pack whatever you want.

I sense a growing disenchantment with this venture.

Huh?

How come you don't want to go camping?

I wanna go camping.

Right, and Joan of Arc wanted to go to the barbeque.

What gives?

Can you keep a secret?

No, but there's a first time for everything.

I'm scared to. It's gonna be dark out there.

Oh, yeah.

But there'll be lots of other kids around.

That's even worse. They'll think I'm a baby.

Well, just tell Willie then.

He'll take off his glasses

rub his nose and tell you you don't have to go.

I know. But he loves camping.

He'll be real disappointed if he finds out I don't wanna go.

Where don't you wanna go?

Camping with the Badger Scouts.

Bright boy.

Tell him there's no reason to be scared.

That was a secret, ALF.

So revoke my security clearance.

You know, I never went camping myself

but, uh, back in New York

I heard about this one scout troop.

They camped in Central Park

and were never heard from again.

[laughing]

Thanks a lot.

Brian, the only thing you have to fear is fear itself.

Or a very Brady anything.

What do you mean?

Why don't we camp out in the backyard tomorrow night?

I'll show you that it's not scary. Just boring.

I don't know.

We'll stay up as late as we want.

Go to bed without brushing our teeth.

Eat hot dogs until we're 10% meat by-products.

Yeah.

Come on, B. Live a little.

You can come too, Jake.

No, thanks. I got a life.

Might be fun.

Sleeping outside.

I like ceilings.

Breathing clean, fresh air.

In Los Angeles?

Being right under Lynn's window?

What do you want I should bring?

You know, it's funny.

I got the impression that Brian wasn't all that enthusiastic

about camping out, and now he can't even wait

for his scout trip.

Oh, he's got the Tanner zest for adventure

that's for sure.

You know, I can't believe he's actually old enough

to be camping out.

It seems like only yesterday he wasn't old enough

to be camping out.

Now he's a little man, alright.

Oh, I almost forgot his gummy worms.

Well, I think I finally figured out

which courses I should register for.

Oh, did you choose a major?

I was thinking about art history.

Oh, honey.

I-I mean it's admirable that you're interested in art

but do you think that's really a practical thing to major in?

What do you mean?

Well, we have a saying in college

those who can do

and those who can't major in art history.

[laughing]

I majored in art history.

You were the exception, dear. We never laughed at you.

I suppose that studying

mankind's greatest artistic achievements

wasn't nearly as interesting as drawing population pie charts

like you social science majors--

I never drew a pie chart in my life.

Oh, okay, okay, once I drew a pie chart

and you know what?

It wasn't bad.

And where's that pie chart today?

I'll tell you where it's not.

It's not in the Louvre.

Uh, that reminds me, hon, um..

...we're having a pool at the office.

What year did Van Gogh die?

The year they asked him to draw a pie chart.

[instrumental music]

Well, it's not too scary yet.

Wait until it gets dark..

...and the moon moves behind a cloud..

...and the fog rolls in.

[laughing]

I'm going back in the house.

Wait. Relax. Relax.

There's nothing there in the dark

that's not there in the light..

...except bats.

[groaning]

What do you have in here, ALF?

Just a few carry-on items.

They'll fit in the overhead bin

or under the seat in front of me.

I thought we agreed to only bring along the basics.

I did.

- Let's see. - Hey, you got a search warrant?

[sighing]

"Meatballs?"

"The Great Outdoors?"

"Ernest Goes To Camp?"

It's the wilderness trilogy.

What are we supposed to do with these?

You didn't bring the VCR?

Hey! Those are rentals.

What else have you got in here?

(ALF) 'Nothing.'

Frappes.

No Frappes.

Cheez Whiz?

Meat Whiz?

Fish Whiz?

Hey, we need something from each of the major Whiz groups.

Come on, Brian. Help me pack this junk up.

- Traitor. - He's right, ALF.

We have to go by the Badger handbook.

Ugh. No Cheez Whiz?

No Frappes?

No VCR?

What's the point of going camping?

That is the point of going camping.

I thought that was the point of going to prison.

Look, ALF, this was your idea.

Now, if we're going to do it, we're gonna do it right, okay?

Oh, alright.

[telephone ringing]

- What is that, ALF? - Nothing.

[ringing continues]

Hello?

No, cancel the pizza.

We're going to die.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[indistinct singing]

Dad, do you have a stamp?

[humming]

- Dad? Dad? - Oh! Oh.

- Sorry. - Oh, you scared me.

Sorry. Do you have a stamp?

I want to mail my course registration.

Oh, sure. Sure.

You mean you decided on a major then?

I was thinking about social sciences.

Maybe become a social worker like you.

Well, Lynn, I-I'm flattered

and I-I'm impressed.

It's not an easy road you've chosen, you know.

- It's not? - No, no.

It takes a special kind of person

to train all those years.

All how many years?

Well, um, let's see.

You've got, uh, undergraduate studies, four years.

You've got two years of grad school.

You have your, uh, thesis

your internships, your field work--

But it pays off in the end, right?

I mean you really like your job.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

But there's not a lot of jobs like mine out there, you know.

Oh.

And you're not gonna get rich.

Hmm.

But it's a very rewarding career.

You get to work with a lot of people

with some really serious problems.

Oh, so there is an upside.

So, y-you want me to mail this then?

Not yet.

I mean maybe I could help more people

as a ski instructor.

So the cab broke down in the seedy part

of the Lower East Side, see?

And just as the cabbie got out to check the engine

a big cloud of steam blew up

from the deserted subway station below.

'The one they had to close after a bunch of guys'

'died mysteriously down there.'

[wind howling]

Aah! What's that?

I think it was the wind.

Unless it was a cab.

[laughing]

Aah! Cut that out!

You're scaring Brian.

It's just a story, ALF.

What happened next, Jake?

Okay, okay.

Out of the cloud of steam..

...came the phantom of the subway

dressed all in black.

A hood covering his skull-like face..

...and instead of a hand..

...he had a gleaming hook.

Uh. Huh.

Isn't it time to sneak across the crick to the girl's camp

and blow out their citronella candles?

Now, where was I?

The gleaming hook.

Sheesh.

So the phantom hails the cab

with his good hand.

Now the Cabbie's scared, so he yells

"I'm off duty, buddy."

'But the phantom doesn't know from off duty.'

'And slowly walks over to the camp.'

¶ Michael row your boat ashore ¶¶

Shh. ALF, the story is just getting good.

Now, all the Baptists.

¶ Hallelujah ¶¶

So, the phantom wrenches into the cab

and snags the cabbie by the neck

and drags him down into the subway with him.

Until all you could hear

was the phantom..

...laughing.

[laughing]

[wind howling]

It's the haunted taxi.

Yikes! Yikes!

Yikes! Yikes! Yikes!

(ALF) Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi!

ALF is hailing a cab in the den.

Exactly when did I lose control?

(Jake) 'Yo, ALF!'

(ALF) 'There's nobody here, but us pillow shams.'

[sighing]

- What's your problem? - Nothing.

I was just afraid I'd catch my death

of gleaming hook out there.

[sighing] How's Brian supposed to get over being afraid

if you turn chicken on us?

Let him get over his fear of the dark in the morning

when it's light out.

We're camping in your backyard.

What do you think, psychopaths get a map

of the Tanner house from the AAA?

Do I look that stupid?

I'm talking about real dangers.

Like...slugs.

You're scared of slugs?

Real threat to those of us who go barefoot.

If I promise to de-slug the yard

will you come back outside?

No way.

Hey, we were making real progress out there.

But once Brian realizes you're scared

he'll be scared.

I mean you could ruin his whole life.

What girl's gonna wanna date a guy

who won't go out after dark?

Then you help him. I can't.

I'm telling you, there's nothing scary out there.

Unless you count that herd of stray cats

that prowls every night.

Cats?

Big ones. Lots of them too.

Well, maybe you're right.

How scary can our backyard be?

I knew you'd come around.

I'm only doing this for Brian.

Yeah, I know.

Can we stop in the kitchen and get the wok?

- Oh, hey, Mr. Tanner. - Hello, Jake.

Oh, hi, Willie. What's up?

Nothing much. What's up with you?

Same old, same old.

So I shouldn't be concerned about that little taxi dance

through the den?

No. No, we got everything under control.

Fine.

Fine. Where's, uh, Brian?

Oh, he's outside.

He's outside.

We're going back there now.

We're going back there now.

Bye.

Bye.

If a cab shows up on the den..

...I'm taking it.

Oh, and no more scary stories, Jake.

Well, just one more. The Headless Stockbroker.

Forget it.

Where is Brian?

Oh, no! He's been gleaming hooked!

Maybe he's in the tent.

Hey, he is in here.

He's sleeping.

So much for being afraid of the dark.

Well, my work here is done.

- See you at brunch. - Wait!

What if he wakes up in the middle of the night

and sees you deserted him?

Cover for me.

Come on, ALF. Brian's counting on you.

Oh. I hate being a role model!

Here, sluggy.

'Here I come.'

'Here, sluggy, sluggy, sluggy.'

'Don't be in my sleeping bag.'

'Good sluggy.'

Hey, who's gonna tuck me in?

Oh, nobody gets tucked in in the wilderness.

Well, at least zip me up.

[sighing]

Hey, hey, watch the fur.

It's for your own protection.

We don't want any slugs getting in, do we?

Oh! Zip it up over my head.

Goodnight, ALF.

Goodnight, John-Boy.

It was right after the stock market crashed.

There was this headless stockbroker!

[laughing]

You know, Jake, there are places you can go for that.

Party pooper.

[cat mewing]

[grunting]

Oh. This is the worst night of my life.

[sighing]

[instrumental music]

Kate..

...I'm sorry I made fun of your major.

So I brought you this.

It's the evolution of art from primitive cave drawings

to "The Wizard Of Id."

Oh, Willie.

You know, it occurred to me

no matter what our kids become

social workers, art historians

shipping magnates

they're gonna, they're gonna inherit ALF

and be broke anyway.

Willie. Willie, this is lovely.

I'm sorry if I overreacted.

We shouldn't argue over something so silly..

- Mm-hmm. - As pie charts.

Silly old pie charts.

[both chuckling]

Well, I finally picked my courses.

I trust you've made a good career choice.

You're majoring...in..

Nothing.

I found out that with all of the required subjects

I have to take I'm not gonna have time for any courses

in my major until I'm a junior anyway.

So I'll decide then.

(ALF) 'Oh, Willie!'

Yeah. What, ALF?

'Could you come out here and help me with my knots?'

No, I'm busy, ALF.

If you want help, come on in here.

'Alright.'

Oh! Come over here, I'll, I'll untie you.

I would, but I can't seem to drag

the piano any farther.

[grunting]

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]