Original subtitles

- Good morning. - Morning, Willie, Kate.

Hi, ALF.

- What are you cooking? - It's a surprise.

- Oh, no. - Relax.

It's just my June bug scaloppini.

Hence the crackling noise.

You're frying June bugs?

Please, Willie.

You fry caterpillars.

June bugs you saute.

Go, sit.

Good morning.

Hi, Lynnie.

Mm, what smells so good?

June bug scaloppini.

I'll grab juice.

[sniffing] ALF, do you have something in the oven?

Brian's history book.

What?

Someone accidentally knocked it

into his fish tank, Willie.

I didn't do it!

I didn't say you did. I did it.

So I put it in the oven to dry.

Dad, he's kidding.

Oh, no! No!

I'm, I'm doomed!

You got that right.

For Melmacians

it's bad luck to destroy a history book.

You mean, bad luck like when you open an umbrella indoors?

Worse. Bad luck like jilting a Mafia princess.

ALF, that is just silly.

[fire crackling]

[screams]

June bug flambe, anyone?

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

My history book is history.

My life is history.

I'm an accursed Melmacian.

I belong in the realm of the..

...gosh darned.

"Gosh darned?"

Ours was a polite society.

That fire wasn't the result of any curse.

How do you explain the timing of that disaster?

It's been a couple of hours since your last one.

You were due.

It's the curse!

It was a coincidence.

Oh, yeah? That's an electric stove.

They're not usually prone to fires.

You must have spilled grease on it when you were sauteing.

You miss my point!

[gasps]

My hand is impaled on a fork.

Oh!

I don't get it. Why is it bad luck to burn a history book?

Because Melmacians have a great respect for books.

If you destroy a history book

you cheat future generations

out of knowledge of the past.

That's rather deep for a planet whose motto was

"Are you going to finish that sandwich."

Hey, I don't make fun of your stupid planet.

Electoral college.

How long is this curse thing supposed to last?

I'm looking at seven years of bad luck

followed by seven years

of really bad luck.

[instrumental music]

[thudding]

Not again.

(ALF) Oh!

- Oh! - ALF?

Are you alright?

Oh, about as well as I was the other four times

I fell down the attic stairs.

Well, you've been so quiet for the last hour or so

I thought maybe you were over this bad-luck thing.

I was unconscious.

I hit my head on a rafter.

Relax, dad. In 14 years, it'll all be over.

Oh, he's just being careless.

I am not!

I'm accursed!

You ever heard the saying, "Superstition is the religion

of feeble minds?"

Sounds good to me.

[knocking on door]

(Jake) 'It's me!'

Oh, come on in, Jake!

[door opens and closes]

Hi, ALF, I heard about your run of bad luck.

How ya doin'?

Ah! Ah.

Fine, until you touched

where Willie's trophy collection fell on me.

You broke my trophies?

Just the Math Club trophy.

The Science Club trophy is fine.

[clanging] Will you be careful?

I am being careful!

This thing is bigger than all of us.

Isn't there anything you can do

to stop all this curse stuff?

Well, there was one thing I could've done back on Melmac.

- What? - The bibliocide ritual.

Basically, it's a ceremony where I ask atonement

in front of people wearing meat.

Meat?

Meat.

Well, why don't we do that?

One reason comes almost immediately to mind.

We can't do it, anyway.

The accursed person has to stand in the light

of a green full moon.

Isn't there anything else you can do?

Wait it out.

- For 14 years? - Yeah.

Boy, am I gonna be hard to live with.

Come on, ALF, I'll buy you a peanut butter sandwich.

Okay, as long as you know the Heimlich maneuver.

Dad..

...we have to help him.

He's only having bad luck

because he thinks he's going to have bad luck.

He'll get over it.

Maybe we could make him think that he's gonna have good luck.

[shattering]

(ALF) 'Remove it slowly.'

- Lynn? - Hmm?

Never have aliens.

[instrumental music]

¶ Nobody knows ¶

¶ The trouble I've seen ¶

¶ Nobody knows ¶

¶ My sorrow ¶

¶ Nobody knows ¶¶

Um, ALF?

Is this what all that hammering was about?

Yes. This is my home for the next 14 years.

What happened?

Oh, the roof fell on my head while I was installing it.

And I slammed my hand in the door

when I locked myself up.

Not to mention the several hundred

splinters I got

building the gosh darned thing.

- Ours was a polite-- - 'We know.'

We know.

ALF...come on.

Come on out.

I can't.

Do you feel safer in there?

No. I sprained my ankle.

We want to cure you.

We have an idea that might work. Right, dad?

Yeah, we do. Sure do.

Um, we-we'll cancel out your curse.

All you have to do is do something

that's considered lucky on Earth.

This idea sounds rather far-fetched.

Well, fine. See you in 14 years, pal.

Well, alright, alright!

Maybe your idea's more nearly-fetched than I thought.

[scrapes]

Make that several hundred and one splinters.

Uh!

- Here, take this. - Salt?

On our planet, it's lucky to throw salt

over your shoulder.

- Ow! - Sorry.

[grunts]

Throw the salt..

...not the saltshaker.

But I always throw the shaker.

And what do I always say?

"Don't throw the shaker."

Maybe if you do something that's bad luck here

it'll cancel out your bad luck.

Oh, come on, Lynn.

Sounds good to me.

Come on, let's try it.

It's bad luck to break a mirror.

Give it a shot.

[glass shattering]

Do you feel any luckier?

No.

This was Kate's mirror.

Well, here. Here, try this.

I can't break that.

Just walk underneath it.

That's also considered bad luck here.

Well, okay.

[crunching] Oh! Ow!

- Ow! Ow! Ow! - What's wrong?

Oh, I stepped on a piece of broken glass!

Are you alright?

Well, the glass doesn't hurt much

but the salt that's seeping into the wound

hurts like a martian head noogie.

[groans]

- I'll get you a bandage. - Good idea.

I was getting tired of falling down the stairs

every time I needed one.

[Willie groaning]

[thudding]

Uh-h-h.

Oh.

[instrumental music]

Ah.

- Does it still hurt? - No, no.

Only when you laugh, right?

[chuckles] Yeah.

What happened?

(ALF) Willie's dead!

(Willie) I'm not dead.

Dad fell down the stairs.

Are you sure you don't want me to call a doctor?

No, no, I'm just a little shook up.

- Okay. - Don't listen to him.

He's dead!

I think that falling down the stairs

has affected you.

No, it hasn't.

But this is what I feared the most.

What?

In severe cases

the bad luck spreads to people

the accursed one comes in contact with.

It's starting.

Nothing is starting.

I fell down the stairs

because I had salt in my eyes.

Now, I don't wanna hear anything more about this curse.

[TV crackling]

I won't say a word.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Hurry up. I'm missing my show.

How's the picture?

Perfecto.

Then I guess it was just a short in the plug.

Try to get a grip on reality, Jake.

It wasn't the plug.

I'm cursed.

What are you watchin'?

That TV shrink.

The one who helps viewers cope with their problems.

Well, is he any good?

He's on channel 129.

You be the judge.

[telephone ringing]

Hello, welcome to "Video Couch."

And you are?

Do I have to give my name?

I don't want my friends and neighbors

hearing about this.

It would help if I could call you something.

Okay. Willie Tanner.

How can I help you, Willie?

I'm a visitor in your country

and I did something that in my homeland

brings a person bad luck.

The only way to shake it off

is for me to do a certain ritual.

But people think I'm crazy.

Uh, Willie, immigrants often have trouble

assimilating into a new culture.

If you feel you must do this ritual, go ahead.

I can't!

Uh, see the things I need for this are far, far away

in my galaxy.

Uh, my-my part of the galaxy.

Uh, our galaxy, Yonkers.

Perhaps you'd feel better if you carried a good luck charm.

You mean, like a Tupperware lid or a mouse?

Well, whatever's appropriate in your country.

I tried that.

But my bad luck is only getting worse.

- How's that, Willie? - It's spreading.

See, people I come in contact with

are having bad luck and getting hurt too.

And you think you have the power

to affect other people's lives this way?

[crashing]

We'll take our next call.

I guess I shouldn't expect too much from a cable quack.

What did you do to your hand, Mr. Tanner?

Oh, nothing.

That does it.

It's too dangerous for you guys

to have me around.

You're gonna have to move.

We're not going anywhere.

Wait, ALF, I was thinkin'.

Why can't we at least try to do your ritual here?

- How? - Well, uh..

There is a full moon tonight.

But it has to be a green moon..

...like Melmac's.

But you showed us pictures of your planet's moon.

It's not green.

Well, it was when certain

atmospheric conditions were right

or when someone threw up on it.

Um, we could fake it, you know, uh

have everybody wear green sunglasses.

Jake, you're a genius!

Plus, you've got good fashion sense.

Now, I just need five people to witness the ceremony

and to wear meat.

I'm not wearing meat.

Please?

I have to draw the line somewhere

and I choose to draw it at the wearing of meat.

¶ I'll whine till you give in ¶¶

You know, Mr. Tanner, it might help..

Think about the baby.

You want me acting like this around it?

Huh, I couldn't live with myself

if anything happened to little ALF Tanner.

Alright.

Yes! He's going to wear meat!

What kind of meat are we talking about here?

Uh, pork, veal, whatever you prefer.

Uh, but no spam.

I'll wear meat.

Why do we have to wear meat in this ritual, anyway?

Because the high priest on Melmac was also a butcher.

[instrumental music]

Did all Melmacian rituals involve wearing meat?

Yeah, unless they took place on a Friday.

Then we wore fish.

How long does this ceremony take?

Not long. Why?

These steaks are getting a little gamy.

No pictures, please.

I feel like an idiot.

Come on, dad. This is very serious to ALF.

I don't think we should put him down

just because we don't understand

the nuances of his culture.

No matter how incredibly stupid those nuances may seem.

Hey, Lynn, how do I look?

A1.

Brian, hurry up!

We're about to start!

Okay, what is it exactly you want us to do, ALF?

Basically, just be witnesses

while I apologize for my misdeed.

And we have to wear this, right?

Because if I find out later that this wasn't necessary--

- It is! It is! - Uh-huh.

Okay, now start pouring this gravy in your hair.

(Lynn) ALF!

Alright, that part is optional.

I'm just trying to make this fun, people.

Don't.

Is my hot dog on straight?

You look fine, honey.

It is now time

to begin the bibliocide ritual.

Everyone put on your shades.

Does the moon look green?

Everything looks green. Get on with it.

Okay.

"There once was a girl from Nantucket who.."

Oops. Wrong ceremony.

Could you hurry it up? Some of us are spoiling.

Okay, okay.

Is it just me or is it dark out here?

Get this over with.

Aye aye.

(Trevor) 'Hey, Tanner, have you seen Jake?'

Oh, great! My bad luck's changing for the worse!

(Willie) ALF, hide.

Hi, Mr. Ochmonek.

Am I interrupting anything?

I don't think so. No.

Why are you wearing sunglasses at night..

...and meat?

Because I want to.

We want to, also.

I don't.

We-we're, heh heh..

- We're having a barbecue. - Yeah.

And you're cooking with body heat?

No, just thawing.

Trevor, haven't you ever wanted to let your hair down

and slap on a flank steak?

I always thought about it.

I mean, everybody's thought about it.

Well, gosh, live a little, Trev, hmm.

I'll do that.

Can we please get this

goofy ceremony over with?

Goofy?

The destruction of history

is not to be taken lightly.

Those who cannot remember the past

are condemned to repeat it, you know?

I, I'm sorry, ALF.

I didn't mean to belittle your ritual.

Please...begin.

"You put your right foot in.

Put your right foot out."

¶ You put your right foot in ¶

¶ And you shake it all about ¶

¶ You do the hokeypokey-- ¶¶

Hold it! Hold it!

This is part of the ritual?

No, but I always thought it should be.

Stick with the main text.

Okay. Okay.

Gee.

[crickets chirping]

Sorry about the book.

That's it?

Uh-huh. Let's eat.

- That's...it? - Yes.

I mean, it's not like I killed somebody.

We went through all this

just for, "Sorry about the book?"

Hey, a ceremony doesn't have to be long

to be effective.

A Melmacian wedding consists

of a preacher saying

"You're hitched. Go for it, babe."

Now Trevor's coming back.

Oh! Man!

[gate opens]

I'm sorry to bother you again

but can I just get a shot of this?

Why?

Raquel went shopping and she's never

gonna believe this.

Everybody scrunch together, hmm?

'Alright.'

[camera clicks]

I'll get you some wallet size.

He's gone, ALF.

Do you feel any luckier?

I don't know. Jake, flip a coin.

Okay.

- Aren't you gonna call it? - No.

It didn't hit me in the eye, so my luck is back.

Ah! Hey!

¶ You put your right foot in ¶

¶ You put your right foot out ¶

¶ You put your right foot in ¶

Everybody!

¶ And you shake it all about ¶

¶ You do the hokeypokey ¶

¶ And you turn yourself around ¶

¶ That's what it's all about ¶¶

Hey! Hey! Hey! Where is everybody?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

(Jake) I call.

- Another royal flush? - Oh, what?

- 'Man!' - I'm embarrassed.

I truly am embarrassed.

Hah! I can't believe my luck!

Someone get me a racing form.

- I'm busted. - That's okay, Brian.

You wouldn't have liked college, anyway. Hah!

ALF, are you sure you're playing exactly by the rules?

I'm not cheating. I told you.

Once a person is released from the bad luck curse

he enjoys a period of good luck.

Sometimes up to three days.

[clanging]

I said up to three days.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]