Original subtitles

Remember, Kate, I like my waffles crisp

yet al dente.

Cooked to a golden amber

and served piping hot on a gently warmed plate.

How does she do it?

Do you want some maple syrup, ALF?

On waffles? How gauche.

Get me the garlic salt?

Guess what? The car won't start again.

- You just got it fixed. - Three times in two weeks.

Every time they fix one thing, something else goes wrong.

Well, I don't get it.

Why keep spending money on something

that doesn't work and causes nothing but aggravation?

Somehow we've gotten used to it.

[burps]

Sort of.

Speaking of aggravation

we're out of garlic salt.

[knocking on door]

(Trevor) 'Hey, Tanners!'

'Guess who?'

Let me take a stab.

It's the wacky next-door neighbor.

Come on in, Trevor.

[Trevor whistling]

Hi, Willie. Hi, Kate. Hi, kids.

- Hi. - Hi, Trevor.

I just stopped by to see if you needed a ride to work again.

Well, as a matter of fact, I do. Uh, my car won't start again.

Ah. You should let Jake take a look at it.

Kid could fix anything, has my car

running like Florence Joyner.

Oh, by the way, uh, Jake will be doing

the driving this morning. I hope you don't mind.

I didn't know Jake could drive.

He can't.

I think I mind.

He just got his learner's permit.

I'm teachin' him. Kid's a natural.

Five days he's been driving, hasn't hit a living thing.

We'll bring the car out front.

(ALF) 'Yo, Lynn, you could use a pedicure.'

'Ow!'

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[horn honks] Ow!

Horn works.

Thank you.

Why don't we just kill this thing

for the insurance money?

We'll make it look like an accident.

- Oh, hello, Jake. - Hi, Mr. Tanner. Hey, ALF.

What brings you over, Jake-Speare?

Aunt Raquel and Uncle Trevor are showing slides

from their trip to Carlsbad Caverns.

All 400 of 'em.

I've seen those, 216 stalactites

184 stalagmites.

Those are the ones.

Still having car trouble, huh?

Yeah, but have no fear.

It's being handled by Mr. No Good Wrench.

- You mind if I take a look? - Be my guest.

I got a hunch it's the distributor.

Well, that rules out the distributor.

No, here's your problem. It's the spark plug wire.

I'll have it fixed in no time.

[chuckles] Well, thanks, Jake.

- Don't be embarrassed, Willie. - Oh, I'm not embarrassed.

- Not everybody can fix things. - No, I'm not embarrassed.

I'm sure there are several things you could do that Jake--

I'm not embarrassed.

Okay, Mr. Tanner, start her up when I say now.

[car door opens]

Okay, now.

[engine starts]

Now are you embarrassed?

Jake, what can I say?

Thank you.

You never thank me when I humiliate you.

You know, I can't be sure, but it looks like

somebody cut that wire on purpose

then just patched it together real loose.

Has anybody been under the hood lately?

Don't look at me. I just honk the horn.

Well, I have been taking the car

to a new mechanic lately, but I--

There's your problem! The guy's a crook!

Oh, ALF, don't jump to conclusions like--

No, I saw it on "60 Minutes."

These mechanics fix one thing, then they break something else

so you keep coming back.

You know, ALF could be right, Mr. Tanner.

I've heard of that scam, too, on that David Horowitz show.

Well, why don't I just give the garage a call?

There must be a simple explanation

for this broken wire.

Yeah, you got took, conned

nicked and clipped.

You got your horn swoggled and your flim flammed.

Hello, Sam, it's Willie Tanner here. Uh..

Yes, it's nice to hear your voice again, too.

Uh, listen, Sam, I wonder if you noticed

anything unusual about my car, uh, engine wise, I mean.

Uh, like, say, uh, severed wire.

You crook! This is Mike Wallace!

- You're under arrest! - ALF, shh!

No, I'm not accusing you, but it is possible, you kn--

Not that I'm accusing you, mind..

But-but you understand..

That's not an accusation.

If memory serves

Bob Newhart is much funnier doing his phone bit.

Well, I guess we have nothing more to say to one another.

You know, I'm beginning to think you may be right.

I'm gonna call the Better Business Bureau.

Have them throw the book at this guy.

Preferably something by James Michener.

[instrumental music]

Uh, hello, Department of Consumer Affairs?

T-the Better Business Bureau told me to call you.

My name is Willie Tanner, I'm a consumer

and I have a complaint.

Yes, I'll hold.

Have you busted that crook yet?

We don't know that he's a crook. It's possible..

Yes. Uh, my name is Willie Tanner. I..

Yes, I'll hold.

On Melmac we had an expression.

There's a sucker born every month

except February which has 28.

I suppose you'd handle this differently.

Indubitably, Willie-nilly.

I'd dial 1-800-CRIME-88

let the FOX Network blow this thug right out of the water.

ALF, why must you always..

Yes! My name is..

I'll hold.

You've got him running scared now.

As much as I appreciate your counsel

I prefer to handle this my own way.

Thank you very much.

Don't you have something to do?

Yeah, but it can wait.

Hello? Hello! Now hear this.

I'm a consumer, I have a complaint

I will not be put on hold.

Yes, thank you.

I'm going to call back later.

[instrumental music]

What did you get?

Fourteen, twenty five, twenty nine.

What did I get?

Oil can, cabinet door and a box.

I win.

- Hi, guys. - Hey, B.

Did your dad have any luck

proving that mechanic ripped him off?

He called six people about it so far.

The man's a tiger when he's irked.

Do you know what I'd do if I were him?

Rethink your fashion viewpoint?

I'd con those conmen right back.

Well, that's not Willie's style. You know him.

He's nice. He's polite.

He's a pigeon.

- We've gotta help him. - How?

We'll need to use your uncle's car.

What for?

I haven't gotten that far yet.

I can't drive alone.

I've only got a learner's permit, remember?

We'll trick Lynn into helping us.

I-I-I don't know.

Can I help, too?

Well, you could stick by the phone

in case we need to check in.

- We'll give you a code name. - Like what?

How about B?

People always call me B.

How about B-plus?

Okay, but I'm doing this under protest.

One more thing. This is our secret signal.

Use your fingers if you have to.

[instrumental music]

So do you think I have a case?

W-well, thank you, Mr. Assistant District Attorney.

Okay, Howard.

Uh, so when do you think we'll go to court?

I see.

Well, when do you think

we'll have the preliminary hearing?

I see. Then, when do you think we can file the complaint?

I see.

When do you think you'll be back from Aspen?

(Willie) Goodbye.

[knocking on door]

(Jake) 'It's me. Jake.'

Oh, hi, Jake. Come on in.

[door opening]

Oh, hi, Mrs. Tanner. Mr. Tanner.

Is, uh.. Is..

Is, uh, is Lynn around?

Well, yes. She's, uh, she's, she's in the other room. Why?

[chuckles] No reason, yeah, I-I just thought

since I was in the neighborhood..

I mean, you know me. I'm always botherin' her. Yeah.

It-it doesn't mean anything. I'll grow out of it.

- Lynn, hi. - Jake. Bye.

- Wait a second. - Make it fast.

I've got something really important to do in my room.

- Like what? - Wait for tomorrow.

- I-I got a favor to ask you. - What?

I need a ride someplace to get somethin' for somebody.

- It-it's real important. - I'm sorry, Jake.

I'd like to help you, but mom's taking the car to go shopping.

- We can take my uncle's car. - The Duster?

It won't take long, and it's not far.

And we can wait till it's dark, so none of your friends

will see you with me.

Okay, but only under these conditions.

Anything you want.

For a period of one month, no innuendo.

- No innuendo. - 'No leering.'

No leering.

And no referring to me

as honey, doll or mama.

You got it, babe.

No babe.

No babe. No babe.

Don't you think you're following a little too closely?

No. But thanks for your input.

- Ten and two. - Excuse me?

Your hands should be at ten o'clock

and two o'clock on the wheel.

I'm sorry, my right hand is running a little fast today.

Alright. Get in the right lane here.

Alright.

You should always remember to check your blind spot.

If you don't shut up, I'll give you a blind spot.

Eyes on the road! Eyes on the road!

Where? Where?

[screaming]

ALF, what are you doing in this car?

Enjoying your witty repartee.

I knew I shouldn't have agreed to this.

I wouldn't have asked you to do this

unless it was real important.

Whatever it is, I don't wanna be involved.

I'm sorry, Lynn, it's way too late.

You're in too deep.

You know too much.

What are you talking about?

Welcome to operation Sam Scam.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

That's the plan. Will you help us?

Please? Please, please, please?

Come on, Lynn, we need somebody who's responsible

somebody who's reliable.

Somebody who'll suck the fun right out of this.

In short, a leader.

Do it for truth, justice

and the Melmacian way.

You mean the American way.

No, Melmacian.

It was the motto of Melmac's superhero

Supercilious!

Supercilious?

Yeah. He captured a lot of criminals.

But he was so darned smug about it.

So, you with us?

[sighs]

ALF, it's too dangerous for you to be out here like this.

Well, unless there was someone who comes along

to make sure I stay out of trouble.

- Know anyone like that? - Uh..

I would like to see one of these creeps

get what he deserves, just once.

Yeah? Yeah?

You know, I should just turn this car around

and drive the two of you home.

But you won't.

- But I won't. - Yeah!

Sam Scam! Sam Scam!

(both) Sam Scam! Sam Scam!

[instrumental music]

Now, you're sure your uncle's car is in good shape?

I went over it myself from top to bottom.

- It's perfect. - Great.

Okay, here's what we'll do. ALF, you stay here.

Lynn and I go inside and tell the guy

the car broke down on the way to our honeymoon.

[sighs] No, here's what we'll do.

Jake, you stay out here. Keep an eye on ALF.

I'll take the car inside.

Okay. I'll run the camera.

No! I'm the director.

- Then I'll be the producer. - Oh, great.

Now I'm gonna have this money man on my back the whole time.

Don't stifle me creatively.

[engine revving]

[car door opens]

[car door shuts]

Uh, good evening.

- What can I do for you? - Hello.

(Lynn) 'Are you Sam?'

That's what they sewed on my pocket.

[chuckles] My car has been giving me problems.

My engine's been making funny noises.

Mm. And what kind of funny noises might those be?

You know, like, when your earrings

fall in the garbage disposal.

Of course. Let's have a look-see.

[clanking]

Or should I say, a hear-listen? Ha-ha!

[instrumental music]

(Willie) 'Hello, Congressman Burdick?'

I have reason to believe that I've been defrauded

by a car repair shop.

Now, I've been referred to every

agency and bureau in the phone book.

I've even spoken to the Department of Fish and Game

because somebody thought I was having trouble with my carp.

[knocking on door]

- Just a moment, please. - Hi, Willie.

I'm talking to Congressman Burdick's office, Trevor.

[chuckles] That crook?

You better watch your wallet.

Look here, I-I almost voted for this man.

I pay his salary, and I-I-I want action!

And I'll hold.

Hey, Willie, have you seen Jake?

No. Why?

Well, we come home, and no Jake.

Our Duster's missing, too.

Well, you don't think Jake took the car?

Nah. Raquel probably left it someplace again.

Well, let me know if you see Jake, eh?

- Will do. - Hiya, Brian.

You're still on the phone?

I'm holding, actually. Why?

Well, if anybody calls and asks for B-plus, that's me.

- Who calls you that? - Jake.

Trevor was just in here looking for Jake.

Do you know where he is?

If I tell you, it could mess up Operation Sam Scam.

Brian..

...if there's something going on

called Operation Sam Scam

then I think you should tell me everything you know.

I was sworn to secrecy.

You should definitely tell me

everything you know.

Oh, okay.

Jake and Lynn and ALF took Mr. Ochmonek's car

to your repair place.

Why would the..

And ALF?

Yeah.

Kate, I gotta go. I'm in a big hurry. I can't explain.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

Say hi to ALF for me.

[instrumental music]

I'm afraid I have unpleasant news.

What's wrong?

Bad carburetor and faulty distributor.

The procedure will run you $200.

Two-hundred dollars?

I don't have $200!

Not exactly Meryl Streep

but a nice touch of hysteria, nonetheless.

ALF, we-we-we got a problem.

(Alf) 'Hi, Willie.'

Willie?

You think this is all my idea, right?

It's always your idea.

I suppose you want details?

[sighs] Lots of them.

The Ochmoneks' car is not broke

and this joker wants to fix it.

- Capiche? - Really?

Wait! Wait! I think Lynn's going in for the kill.

So, you're absolutely, positively sure

that this engine right here

needs $200 in repairs?

That's my diagnosis.

Heard enough?

Excuse me, will you?

I'd like to have a word with this quack.

Oh, wait! You forgot to tell me which is your good side.

The one you're not on.

ALF, can I look through the camera for a while?

Jake, baby, you handle marketing and distribution.

Let me lens this flick, okay?

[hood thuds]

Tanner, if you're here with more accusations

get off my property.

- Dad, what are you doing here? - Dad?

- This is your daughter? - Yes, it is.

Sam was just explaining that--

I-I-I was just telling her

that everything seems to be fine.

He said this car needs $200 in repairs.

- Sam.. - I did not say that.

Are you calling my daughter a liar?

I-I'm not calling anybody anything.

Why is it every time I bring my car in here

to get something fixed, I go out with something else broken?

I tell you what I'm gonna do.

You bring your car down here first thing tomorrow

and I'll take care of everything for 99.95.

Mister, you're not gonna get another penny out of me

and if I have anything to say about it, you're not gonna

make another penny in this neighborhood.

No, no. No, no. I'm taking a stand.

This country was made great by people

who stood up for what they believed in as Robert..

If Willie starts humming "The Battle Hymn Of The Republic"

I'm pulling the plug on this production.

...I might expand on that

'"No man is an island, entire to himself."'

[instrumental music]

(Willie on TV) '...and if I might expand on that'

"No man is an island, entire to himself.

"Every man is a piece of the continent

"a part of the main

"and therefore, never send to know

"for whom the bell tolls.

It tolls for thee!"

Give me my money back!

That was Willie Tanner, a gutsy consumer

who decided to fight back and not let anyone rip him off.

And here he is.

[applauding]

Welcome to "Fight Back," Willie.

[applauds] Way to go, Willie!

- You tell him, dad. - Alright!

They left my best stuff on the cutting room floor.

Without your videotape, the Department of Consumer Affairs

might have never nailed that rip-off artist.

What would you say to other consumers who felt

they were being ripped off and they wanted to fight back?

Fight back.

Very good, Willie.

However, we at "Fight Back" don't recommend

that you attempt to videotape the rip-off artist in action.

You should start by calling the Department of Consumer Affairs

or the District Attorney's office.

And when all else fails, call on your alien.

When we come back, microwave milkshakes.

Have we really come to this?

But first, a word from someone brave enough to sponsor us.

[applause on TV]

I guess you know what I'm going to say.

You can't yell at me. I did good.

Well, yes, you did good. I mean, well.

But you shouldn't have done what you did do.

So you're saying it's bad to do good?

N-no.

You're saying if loving you is wrong

I don't wanna be right?

What we're saying is it's wrong for you

to put yourself in danger

for something that I'm perfectly capable of handling.

We just don't want anything to happen to you.

- Yeah. - Thanks, you guys.

You, too, B-plus.

Hey, I wonder if Horowitz is gonna fight back

against the guy who sold him that suit.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[burps]

[ALF laughing]

[instrumental music]