Original subtitles

What are you guys doing?

It's a magic trick we just saw on TV.

It's called "The Two-Layer Pineapple

Surprise Cake In A Sun Hat" trick.

With mom's sun hat?

We couldn't find Willie's.

And now, without further ado, a pinch of yeast

and two eggs.

One, two.

Does mom know you're using her sun hat?

Silence, please!

Will the young man with the freckles and the overbite

please mix the ingredients.

She doesn't know, does she?

I'm running this trick on a need-to-know basis.

- Is it done? - Perfect!

Now cover the hat with the plate

as I say the magic words.

Hacus pacus..

...Betty Crock-us.

'Ta-da!'

Ladies and gentlemen

ALF's magical two-layer pineapple surprise..

...soup.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

What are you doing?

It was Kate's idea.

I have to write this 100 times.

On the refrigerator?

She didn't say.

Allow me to present an alternative

to writing on the major appliances.

What's that?

It's a magic kit.

I thought I'd introduce you

to some less messy tricks.

What do you know about magic?

I dabbled a little when I was your age.

Uh.. Your height.

Really? Oh! Oh! Show me! Show me!

Well.. Yeah.

Here. Pick a card.

Any card.

Pick...a card.

I'm gonna tell you what that card is.

I know what the card is.

It's the nine of clubs.

Pick another...card.

Any card. This time don't tell me what it is.

Why?

'Any...card.'

[sighs]

There. Happy?

Okay.

Now you take a good look at that card

and then put it back in the pack.

[sighs]

Alright, now, I'm going to concentrate

on your thoughts.

Uh..

Our thought waves are connecting..

I feel the vibrations..

Ha! Aha!

Is that your card?

Beats me.

Don't you remember?

You said take a look

not commit to memory.

ALF, this is your card.

These cards are marked.

Well, you cheated!

I didn't cheat.

You cheated, you lied

you said that you loved me.

It's not cheating.

It's part of the trick. Watch.

Wow! How did you do that?

It's all here.

It's right in here!

Well, can I see?

First, I want you to make

the writing on the refrigerator disappear.

No problem.

Alakazoo, alakazam!

I think this would work better.

Alakazoo, alakazam!

[engine revving on TV]

Yo, it's showtime!

Actually, ALF, it's HBO.

Ladies and gentlemen

may I present..

...ALF the Stupefying!

Grazie.

What magic have we to look forward to tonight, Stupe?

Picture, if you will

an ordinary flowerpot.

Empty to the human eye.

But one tap with my magic wand

and the flowerpot becomes..

...big jaggedy pieces of clay.

Ta-da!

I'll get the dustpan.

Uh-uh. No need!

My lovely assistant will take care of it later.

I guess I'm the lovely assistant.

For my next trick

I'll need a volunteer from the audience.

Ah, yes!

The lady with the questionable fashion sense!

What's going on?

ALF is being stupefying.

Oh, well, I would love to watch

but I'm going to the Octoplex.

- Dad, can I borrow $10? - Well, I guess so. Sure.

Thanks.

Hey, this is even better!

I'll do the disappearing $10 bill trick.

I think we just saw that.

Young lady, please put your $10 bill into this envelope

and seal it.

Ah, okay.

[humming]

[laughing]

All done!

Good, I will now put the envelope

containing your $10 bill

into my magic pan.

Voila.

A few magic shakes

and the money will disappear.

It's still there.

Well, so it is.

We'll have to make it disappear the hard way.

(Kate) 'Willie, he's got a blowtorch.'

I think these matches will do just fine.

Sure, if you don't care about showmanship.

Alright, light the envelope on fire.

[humming]

Now, here..

...peel this.

'And tell everyone'

'what you have found embedded inside.'

I have found a banana.

No $10 bill?

Um, um, Willie?

Please check your wallet

and tell us what you find inside.

Just my 20.

Ta-da!

Not only did I resurrect that $10 bill..

...I doubled it!

Thanks, dad.

I can't spend that.

Umm, you've been a lovely audience.

Goodnight and drive carefully.

Hold it, Mr. Stupefying.

Okay.

It didn't work.

Who am I kidding?

I'm no good at this.

How cruel fate is, to plant the desire within me

but not the ability.

We watched "On The Dais" last night.

[instrumental music]

Hey..

I thought you gave up on magic.

Something about being no good at it.

Being no good at something

is no reason to quit.

Ask anyone at the Fox Network.

I admire your perseverance.

As long as you're not burning money.

Thanks.

Hey, Willie, you wanna see a trick?

Well, sure.

Okay, uh, first I need to borrow a handkerchief.

Well, here we go.

Thanks.

[ALF blowing nose]

I'll also need your watch.

Well, you-you will be careful with it, won't you?

Of course.

Well..

Alright.

Thank you.

Now you will notice that in one hand

I hold a man's wristwatch.

In the other

a velvet pouch.

Would you say that the watch is intact, sir?

So far, yes.

Watch this.

I wave my hand over the bag

say the magic words

Hocus pocus..

...go for broke-us.

And your watch..

...is as good as new.

Oh.. Uh..

I.. I don't believe it..!

[watch clinking]

Was that a new watch?

[instrumental music]

[Kate groaning]

Rabbit.

Huh?

Rabbit on my chest.

[Willie sighs]

ALF.

- The Stupefying. - The Stupefying.

ALF?

ALF?

Kate! Willie!

You're just in time to see my newest trick.

Where did these rabbits come from?

Well, first father rabbit

picked up mother rabbit in the singles' bar.

- Then-- - You know what I mean.

Where did you get all this stuff?

Buckley's House of Magic.

You bought all this?

Rented it, actually.

They gave me the professional discount.

You still want to encourage him?

Aw, come on, Kate

it could be worse.

Ta-da!

ALF's gonna saw me in half.

Much worse.

[instrumental music]

[grunting]

You are not going to saw our son.

- Yes, I am! - You are not!

But I'm ready for the big time.

How long does a guy have to toil in kiddie tricks?

Maybe until he completes one or two of them successfully.

Maybe he doesn't stand a chance

when all the diagrams favored five-fingered magicians.

Maybe he's gotten into something a little over his head.

Maybe at three foot two

everything he gets into is over his head.

Oh, ALF, enough is enough.

But I was just getting started.

Did somebody lose this?

Yo, right here.

ALF, I'm gonna say in terms so simple

that even you cannot possibly misunderstand.

Huh?

Learning magic requires diligence and patience.

Two qualities which you've not as yet demonstrated.

Face it, ALF.

You just don't have the talent for magic.

Sure.

Kick the prestidigitator when he's down.

[instrumental music]

One, two, three, four, five

six...seven, eight.

Hey, two and three..

...could you at least wait until the lights are out.

Hey, ALF, I found your magic sign in the trash.

Right next to my career.

You're not gonna give up, are you?

The magic wand's retired, B.

Unlike Billy Martin..

...I know when to hang it up.

But you promised I could be in one of your tricks.

I guess I'll have to make it up to you.

Okay then.

Make it up to me by making me disappear.

No, I don't feel like it.

Oh, come on, ALF, please?

Alright, get in the box.

Okay, remember how we saw it on TV?

You close the curtain

and you spin the box around three times.

Ixnay on the spinning.

If you puke in that box

it can't be returned.

You alright in there?

It's alright!

Thank you, Junior Wences.

I'll say the magic words..

Alakazoo, alakazam.

I'll show you what a hack I am.

Brian?

Yo, B, you in there?

Yes!

Yes!

I came, I saw

I demolecularized.

I can do magic!

Uh-oh, now I'll make you reappear, B.

Um..

Uh, abracadabra, alakazam..

...I'm a better magician than I thought I am!

Uh-oh.

A glitch in the finale.

Uh, alakazam.

Oh, no.

Uh, I vaporized the boy.

Kate and Willie will not be pleased.

Especially since Willie told me not to do any more tricks.

Oh, wait a minute.

I smell a conspiracy here.

[sniffing]

I also smell eight rabbits cooped up in a garage.

Yuck!

Phew!

Okay, where is he?

Where's who?

Your little stooge.

Is he hiding under the sink?

Okay, Brian! Come on out!

Simon says!

You know what he's talking about?

Hardly ever.

You really don't know what I'm talking about, do you?

N-no.

Uh..

Simon says, everyone take one giant step

out to the garage.

[instrumental music]

Then I said some more magic words

but when I opened the box Brian was gone!

Well, not gone exactly.

Just smaller and fond of salad.

Oh, wait. Here.. Here we go!

I knew there had to be a secret compartment somewh..

Brian's not here.

Don't deny your son's existence

just because he's a little different from the rest of us.

ALF, don't be ridiculous.

He is being ridiculous, isn't he, Willie?

Oh, of course he's being ridiculous.

It's not possible to turn people into rabbits.

Even with magic?

It isn't magic, ALF.

It's a trick!

That's your theory.

Honey, he must be in the house somewhere.

Come on, let's go look for him.

Don't worry, Brian.

You'll get used to the big ear jokes.

Well, thank you, Mrs. Beckham.

If Brian does show up, will you send him home, please?

Okay. Thanks so much. Bye-bye.

- Not there, either. - Unh-unh.

Honey, I-I don't know who else to call.

I'm sure Brian's fine.

He-he wouldn't just run off without letting us know.

[sighs]

Hey, Kate, you got any carrots left?

Your son looks hungry.

ALF, did you get that cage from Brian's room?

That's right.

What did you do with the snake?

What are you so worried about the snake for?

We're talking about your own fur and blood here!

Kate, when you checked in Brian's room

did you look under the bed?

N-no.

Well, I'm sure he's under there

playing cave dwellers again.

Watch out for the snake!

He was pretty mad when I dumped him out.

Brian?

Brian?

Do you understand me?

Um..

Hop once for yes

twice for no.

Hi, ALF.

How did you do that?

You didn't even move your little rabbit lips.

Rabbit lips?

Brian, you're not a rabbit!

[door opens]

Oh, Brian!

- Hi, dad. - Where have you been?

I was hiding in the car. But I got hungry.

Why were you hiding in the car?

I wanted ALF to think he made me disappear

so he wouldn't think he's a bad magician.

Oh! Oh, honey.

It was nice of you not to want ALF to feel bad

but we were very, very worried about you.

Yeah!

I thought I turned you into a rabbit.

Sorry, mom, dad.

Sorry, ALF.

I guess I messed up the trick.

That's okay, Bri.

Now you can clean up your own pellets.

A very large snake just slithered into my gym bag.

Somebody please do something.

You better not have scared Captain Eo.

Go.

As soon as we're finished here

we're gonna pack up all the rabbits

and all the magic boxes

and we're gonna send them back

whence they came, right?

Right.

[instrumental music]

Oh, ALF. You didn't have to bring us breakfast in bed.

It was the least I could do

after I almost misplaced your son and everything.

Say, I'm sorry the magic thing didn't work out.

That's okay. I've thought about it

and I believe my true calling in life

is to build powerful fireworks displays.

If you need me, I'll be on the phone

with Buckley's House of Gunpowder.

ALF!

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]

[ALF laughing]