Original subtitles

It's about time you got back with the food.

ALF, we've only been gone an hour.

An hour and twelve minutes

according to seven of my stomachs.

ALF. ALF. Can't you wait for us to unpack them?

Let's see..

...no!

Hey, did you get the stuff on my list?

Sorry, ALF, grocery stores on Earth

still don't carry Melmacian junk food.

What about pudding in a shoe?

Not available west of Jupiter.

Well, it's always better homemade anyway.

Willie, can I borrow a pair of your wingtips?

You may not cook in my shoes.

Socks?

Let the edict include all footwear.

Fine. Eat your bland desserts.

Oh! Here, ALF.

We did buy you this.

My "National Inquisitor!" Great!

At least I can read about Michael Jackson's

skull reduction.

I can't believe you actually read that stuff.

Well, pardon me, Mr. US-News-And-World-Report.

Our alien is hooked on gossip magazines.

That sounds like a headline from one of them.

[chuckles] Well, be thankful that he likes that magazine.

That actually keeps him quiet for 30 minutes at a time.

[ALF screams]

[thud]

Thirty seconds...at a time.

He's, he's fainted.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

- What happened? - ALF fainted.

Oh.

Please.

No more portly women.

What happened, ALF?

I can't believe it, Willie.

Read the headline on page two.

"Corn chip dead ringer for Liberace."

Wow!

Not that. The headline next to it.

"Couple in Barstow living with space alien."

That's it!

Oh, ALF, don't be ridiculous.

ALF, there's, there's an article like, like this one

in every issue of this magazine.

But this one is different. Read on!

"The alien is described as being short and furry

with large ears and a long snout."

That sounds like ALF.

Keep reading.

"The creature is said to be fond of cats

and subsists on a diet of frozen yogurt and light bulbs."

That's my cousin Blinky.

You have a Cousin Blinky?

We call him that because he likes to eat light bulbs.

ALF, your Cousin Blinky

is not living in Barstow.

How could you say that?

It's printed right there next to Raymond Burr's makeup tips.

Let's try to get a grip on reality here.

Just consider for a moment the tremendous improbability

of an alien from outer space

actually living with a family..

I'll start the car.

Hold it! Hold it!

Give me the paper.

I'm gonna call these people

and I'm gonna settle this thing right now.

Hello, I'm trying to reach the Susla residence.

I'm so excited, I could squirt.

What?

It's just an expression.

Are you by any chance the couple

that was in the "National Inquisitor?"

Oh, cut the chit-chat, let me talk to them.

You don't really have a creature from outer space

living with you, do you?

And it eats light bulbs?

Nothing over 75 watts.

I see.

Hand me the phone.

Would your space alien happen to be

um, little on the pushy side?

Oh, really?

Well, thank you then. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you for your time.

Barstow.

No-o-o.

Ye-e-eah.

ALF. Barstow is a three-hour drive from here.

- But we're cousins. - ALF, you don't really--

¶ Melmacian cousins all the way ¶

Believe me, there is a--

¶ One pair of matching bookends ¶

I'll get my keys.

¶ Barstow we're on our way ¶¶

[instrumental music]

Willie, do I look alright?

You look fine, ALF.

You look just as fine

as the last 29 times you asked me.

I wanna look my best.

I'm really unhappy with this new cream rinse I've been using.

I realize how important this is to you, ALF..

...but I-I don't..

[coughs]

I don't want you to be disappoint..

[coughing]

What is that?

Antiperspirant.

I sweat when I'm nervous.

Put it away. It smells terrible.

Fine.

I'll slap on some of this cologne instead.

[scoffs]

[coughs]

Here, Willie. Smell this.

Oh.

[sniffs] Yeah.

[sniffs] What's this?

Asbestos.

[coughs]

Too musky?

[blows a raspberry]

As I was saying..

...I realized how important this is to you.

That's why I'm driving all the way

to Barstow, you know, but I--

Willie, I know what you're gonna say.

- You do? - Sure.

And I appreciate the offer.

And I know that Blinky is gonna

fit into the Tanner household as well as I do.

[instrumental music]

Well, this must be it.

- Well, see you later. - Oh, no, wait!

Wait, ALF!

Remember our plan.

I go in and check this out first.

That's your plan.

We can't take any chances. Let caution be our credo.

"Let caution be our credo?"

Stay in the car.

And stay down.

[car door shuts]

I just know I'm gonna squirt.

[spray hissing]

[doorbell rings]

- Hello. - Hello.

My name is William Tanner.

I called earlier today

regarding your claim to have an alien.

Right this way.

[door creaks]

Please excuse the house.

It's a bit cluttered since the tent fire.

Tent fire?

We had a traveling museum of sorts.

Our lives are devoted

to accessing the unknown

harvesting the bizarre

and exploiting the hideous atrocities of nature.

How nice.

It's a living.

Uh, that's Billy the Kid's mummified mustache.

Oh, what's that dried up pink thing underneath it?

Billy's lips.

- About this alien.. - Oh, no. Not another one.

Uh, this is my husband Nick.

Goodbye, Nick.

Uh, pleased to meet you, Mr. Susla.

Uh, I'm Willie Tanner.

The name is pronounced Soosla.

No, no, you, you were right.

It is Susla.

I should know how to pronounce my own name.

I think you should by now.

Don't start with me, Betty.

Look, you're wasting your time.

There is no alien here.

What Nick is saying is

that the alien's not here right now.

That's not what I'm saying.

I'm saying there is no alien here.

Right now.

Are you saying that you don't have an alien?

- Yes. We do. - No. We don't.

I can prove we have an alien.

Uh, I have a photograph.

- Would you like to see it? - Yes.

- How much? - Very much.

No, no, I meant in dollars.

Well, I don't wanna buy it. I just wanna see it.

And how much is that worth to you?

Save your money.

- I think I'd better be going. - Oh, wait.

Uh, for ten bucks

I'll let you have a glimpse of it.

Okay. Fine.

Don't stare. Glimpse.

You know, it looked..

...amazingly like a German shepherd

with some kind of antenna stuck on his head.

Real amazingly.

What kind of person would put antennas on a dog?

The same kind of person who would glue a horn on a goat.

It's not a goat. It's a unicorn.

Its horn was loose.

Thank you.

Uh, thank you for your time.

And thank you for sharing that with me.

It was certainly worth the ten dollars.

Wait, uh, for another ten

I'll let you see a picture of his spaceship.

- Maybe another time. - Oh, too bad.

It looks a lot like a hubcap with lights glued to it.

I'm warning you, Nick.

Goodbye.

[goat bleats]

'Oh, pardon me.'

'Coming through.'

[goat bleats]

- Can I say just one thing? - What?

I can't live like this anymore.

Oh, what are you talking about?

I just got a quick ten bucks out of that sucker.

Fine, we'll apply it to this month's glue bill.

Oh, ALF. ALF?

[doorbell rings]

[gasps]

ALF!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

In all my years with traveling freak shows

I've never seen anything like you.

Likewise.

Except for Jojo, the Beast Boy.

Betty.

This thing ain't nothing like Jojo.

This thing ain't human.

Thank you.

No, thank you.

You're exactly what we need

to take this show on the road again.

Show? What show?

Betty, your sideshow days are over.

I don't want you growing the beard again.

[clicks tongue] I won't have to.

We have our star attraction right here.

I'm, I'm getting another one of my headaches.

Then go take another one of your naps.

Look, I appreciate the offer

but I'm really here to see Blinky.

Uh, Blinky?

Uh, what's Blinky?

I know you've got him. Where is he?

Get me Blinky.

Oh, we'll get you a blinky.

We'll get you all the blinky you want.

You're going to be very happy with us.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get rid of whoever that is.

[panting]

Oh, excuse me for bothering you--

- Go away. - I, I will. I promise.

I just wanted to retrieve something--

No refunds.

I-I'm not asking for a refund.

I just wanted some.. May I please come in?

I said, "Beat it!"

We're closed!

'Catch us in the spring. We'll be on the road again.'

[doorbell ringing]

I'm really sorry, but..

Oh, my.

I don't wanna use this.

Go with that impulse.

[door creaks]

Was that, Willie?

Oh, no, no. It wasn't anybody.

Uh, why don't you just take a seat?

[instrumental music]

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Kate, it's me.

Oh, Willie, we were just beginning to worry.

- Is everything alright? - 'Not exactly.'

Well, what do you mean?

Do they have an alien?

They do now.

- What's going on? - They have ALF.

And they won't let him go?

I'm gonna go back and try to get him out

but it, it may take a while.

'Uh, will you call me back?'

I can't, Kate. I spent all my money glimpsing a Polaroid.

Glimpsing a Polaroid?

- A Polaroid of what? - Of what?

German shepherd...with antennas.

- Antennas? - It has antennas?

It just goes downhill from there, Kate.

I-I'll call you later. I love you.

Honey, I love you.

What has antennas?

Apparently, German shepherds in Barstow.

[instrumental music]

[grunting]

It's no wonder Blinky didn't stick around

if you treat all your houseguests like this.

How about we bill you as "Bobo, the Amazing Aardvark.

Hear him talk"?

Betty, come to bed.

Yeah, yeah, in a minute.

Oh, you're gonna make us a lot of money.

How about Dodo, the Hairy Parrot?

How about telling me why I'm tied up?

So she can glue antennas on you.

Shh! Not in front of the F-R-E-A-K.

Who's Frank?

I'm going to bed. You coming or not?

Yeah, yeah.

Goodnight, my furry little gold mine.

Night, Frank.

[door closes]

[grunting]

[thud]

[thud]

(Betty) 'Hey, what's going on in there?'

Nothing.

[thud]

[glass shatters]

Uh, that was nothing also.

[screams]

- It's me. - Willie!

(Betty) 'Keep it quiet in there.'

Sorry. Just a painful rope burn.

- You alright, ALF? - I'm fine.

But I don't know what they've done to Blinky.

Blinky. I'll show you.

Here.

This is their alien.

Looks like a German shepherd with antlers.

Oh, we'll be out of here in no time.

Or not.

Oh-oh. It's Frank's husband.

Hold it right there.

Freeze!

Don't move!

No, you hold it right there. Freeze. Don't move.

Do you know what this is?

It's either a talking aardvark or a hairy parrot.

Betty hasn't decided yet.

This is a creature possessed of unimaginable powers.

Powers?

Yes, powers. You know, your powers.

Your unimaginable powers.

The powers we all find so..

...unimaginable.

The powers you don't like to use unless we're in trouble

and there's no way out.

Oh, those powers.

You know, I don't like to use those powers, Willie.

I feel you must.

Well...alright.

Oo-o-oh!

You'd better get out of here

because in..

...in just about ten seconds, you'll be--

- Ooh! - Yes.

You'll be flatter than a flapjack.

(ALF) 'Ooh!'

[grunting]

Yes.

- Ten. - Ooh!

- Nine. Eight. - Ah!

- Seven. - Ah!

(Willie) 'Six.'

[shrieking]

Five. Four. Three.

- Two. One! - Yeah!

Two! Three.

Oh, forget it. It's not working.

What are you gonna do with us?

Go on, get out of here.

You mean, you're gonna let us go?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Go on.

Well, that's awfully nice of you.

What nice?

I just don't wanna go back out on the road

with another rolling geek brigade.

I just want a nice, quiet retirement with my lunatic wife.

I really appreciate this.

Yeah, likewise.

(Betty) 'Nick? What's going on out there?'

Hey! How did he get in here?

What's he doing with my parrot?

Stay back, honey. That thing's got unimaginable powers.

If we don't let him go, he's gonna squash me

like a two-headed elephant on a peanut.

Since when does a parrot have powers?

ALF!

Whoo-o-o!

Not that! Let's go!

Hey! Glue an antennae on this!

[instrumental music]

[rain pattering]

ALF.

[instrumental music]

ALF.

Yeah?

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Me too.

Well, I'm glad you're safe.

Safe and alone...species-wise.

You know, we all feel alone at certain times in our lives.

Feeling alone and being alone

are two different things.

I'm sorry.

ALF, I wish there was something I could say.

I actually believed it, Willie.

I really convinced myself

there might be others of my kind here.

Well, who knows, pal. Someday there might be.

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Willie! Willie! Follow that car! Hurry!

- What car? - The one that just passed us.

Catch up to it.

ALF, there hasn't been a car on this road for miles.

I just saw one!

And Blinky was in it!

You must have been daydreaming, pal.

- I was? - I mean, think about it.

What are the odds that a creature

from outer space would be in a car

on this road at this time of..

I mean, what are the odds that two creatures

from outer space would be in two cars

on this road at..

I think maybe you better drive for a while.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]

[laughing]