Original subtitles

(ALF) ALF hosting "The Tonight Show?"

What a great idea!

Everybody thought so.

Except Johnny.

So, Johnny, have you been watching the show?

Yeah? What do you think?

Alright, alright, I'm sorry I broke your cup.

Um, look, Johnny, uh, I'd love to keep talking

but you know what it's like here in the big chair.

Yeah, gotta keep things moving.

Hey, after I'm done, why don't I come over

and we'll hit the hot tub together.

Hello? Hello?

[theme music]

[music continues]

Boy, you are in big trouble, mister.

Oh, hey, this isn't trouble.

I'll show you trouble.

Bobby, roll the clip marked "Trouble."

- Here, hold this, Willie. - What is it?

Oh, that's just nuclear waste

from my spaceship.

[gasps]

Oh, hey, don't worry.

Life on this planet will exist

as long as that little lid doesn't pop off.

Ah. Oh, wait. These are my crayons.

Just tell us why you did it.

- It was Willie's idea. - What?

Don't try to worm your way out of this one.

You said we'd build a lagoon.

I said we'd build a little lagoon

not the Great Tanner Reef!

Okay. Okay, I misunderstood.

I'm sorry. I made a boo-boo.

A boo-boo?

Say, what are you...doing here?

Greeting the guests.

Hey, Tex, looks like you're putting on

a little weight there, huh?

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Could I speak with you in the kitchen

just for a moment?

Hey, not now, Willie.

Your pumpkin's on fire!

Ha! His pumpkin's on fire!

Come here.

Well, who is this little guy?

Ah, this is Gordon, everyone.

Uh, Gordon's an old friend of our family.

Bernice, uh, don't mention his height.

He's very sensitive.

Hey, cowgirl, nice calves! Ha!

Nice calves! Ha! Ha!

- Yah! - Unh!

Good morning, America, how are you?

¶ Don't you know me ¶

¶ I'm your native son ¶¶

What's the next line?

Just be quiet.

Really?

I'm surprised that song was such a big hit.

¶ Just be quiet ¶

¶ Just be quiet just be quiet ¶

¶ La la la la la la la ¶¶

A picture's worth a thousand words.

That picture was worth a $1000.

Well, maybe the frame makes it look cheap.

I am tired of your breaking things.

If this happens one more time

you will be living in the garage.

From now on, I'll treat this house as it if were my own.

Treat it as if it were my house

and don't break anything.

Cheap frame.

Well, I guess it can be repaired.

(ALF) 'Heads up!'

Red alert! Red alert!

Alien coming through.

What was ALF running for?

(ALF) 'Uh, occupied.'

Oh, I'm sorry.

ALF knows that's not a bathroom, doesn't he?

I hope so.

[instrumental music]

[vase shatters]

[glass shatters]

[screaming]

[engine revving]

Stop!

[explosion]

Well, I guess we'll have to order in.

Hey, that was great!

- Let's show it again. - Let's not.

Fine. Well, I've got a better idea.

You think you can hold down the fort for a minute?

And don't sit in my chair.

I guess I could fill time

with one of my live commercials.

Ed, Ed.

This shameless self-promotion does not become you.

I know. I'll show a clip.

While I leave the room, you folks watch

these scenes of me leaving the room.

[doorbell rings]

ALF, hide in the kitchen.

You know, if you weren't always sending me

to the kitchen, I might not eat so much.

ALF, please, please.

No wonder Willie's pants don't fit me anymore.

[doorbell dings]

ALF, hide in the kitchen.

Yeah. Just call me Pavlov's alien.

[doorbell dings]

ALF, go into the kitchen.

Go into the kitchen. Go into the kitchen.

As a woman, you should be sensitive

to the demeaning undertones in that remark.

Now!

You're betraying your sisters.

[doorbell dings]

(male #1) 'Hey, Tanners. It's us.'

ALF, kitchen.

No problem. I'll call a cab.

You will walk. Now.

One day, I'll walk into that kitchen

and keep right on walking.

(ALF) 'Ow!'

[doorbell dings]

(in unison) ALF, hide in the kitchen.

Oh! Uh, we're back, apparently.

What happened to the pushy furball?

Who cares? At least he's gone.

(ALF) 'Yo, point those cameras over here.'

- Ohh. - Oh, no, not that.

[instrumental music]

Hey, feature-film freaks, ALF Fern here.

We'll get right back to our film.

Burns and Allen, Burns and Schreiber

Olsen and Johnson, Johnson and Johnson

and Damp the Musk Ox in "Rin Tin Tin Makes a Mess, Mess, Mess!"

Friends.

Are you getting too fat for things

you used to fit in..

...like your house?

When you get on the scale, does it say

"Get off the elephant first?"

Does your sunken chest appear on pirate treasure maps?

Then come to our health club

'"Pecs 'R' Us."'

At Pecs 'R' Us, we'll tone up your muscles

while we slim down your wallet.

At Pecs 'R' Us, you'll build your biceps

banging on our door for a refund.

Yes, friends, we've got barbells and dumbbells.

And speaking of dumbbells

here's our own matinee lady.

I go to Pecs 'R' Us and work up a sweat.

Hmm, you work up a sweat

reading the instructions on a stop sign.

Friends, you say you want to pump iron?

Well, come to Pecs 'R' Us.

You can start by pressing my shorts.

We also sell vitamins, so you can choose

between A, B, C, D, and E.

I prefer E.

No, you can't even spell E.

Friends, if you want to join Pecs 'R' Us

come on down to our main office.

How do you get there? Hmm!

You take the Golden State Freeway to the Ventura Freeway

to the San Diego Freeway till you come to the Slauson cut-off.

Get out of your car, cut off your Slauson

get back in your car..

...then drive nine more miles to the neon sign

that says "Steroids on tap."

That's our main office.

Uh, take that out of my check.

(male #2) 'Consider it done.'

Well, uh, and now, back to our movie.

Gene Barry, Barry Nelson, Nelson Eddy, Eddie Albert

and Gotcha the Wonder Goose

in "Minnie Tells Mickey That Roger Rabbit Died."

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

So, how'd you like the bit?

I hope it's as funny when Johnny does it on Friday.

How could it be? He doesn't have my delivery.

And he doesn't have the pointer anymore.

I know, let's talk about that planet you came from.

What's it called, Tarmac?

Melmac.

And by fortunate coincidence

it's the subject of my next fascinating set of clips.

Mind if I show them, Oedipus?

Clips.

Sounds like a nice...change of pace.

I say we fight violence with violence.

That's how we solve things back home.

But, ALF, don't you remember

what happened to your planet?

Well, it blew up in a nuclear holocaust. Why?

Don't you see the connection?

What connection?

- I give up. - Me too.

I'm gonna lie down. My head is spinning.

What are you guys doing?

Trading bouillabaseball cards.

What's bouillabaseball?

It's baseball on Melmac.

Instead of a ball, they throw fish guts.

Fish parts.

The guts are sold at the concession stand.

Oh, football. Can I watch too?

Oh, ALF, last time we watched football together

you belched all through the whole game.

Hey, that's how we applaud on Melmac.

Hey, good catch.

[belching]

Jake may have some problems

but he's not going to be sent to prison.

Yeah? Tell that to my cousin.

Pretty boy Shumway.

He grew up on the south side of Melmac.

The baddest part of the planet.

If he didn't like your shoes..

[imitates gunfire]

Do you mean he'd shoot a person

just because he didn't like his shoes?

No, he'd just point at them and go..

[imitates gunfire]

Where's Lizard taking you?

Out to a science fiction movie.

Something about this guy being shrunk

and then injected into someone else.

Well, that's not science fiction.

A friend of mine did that once.

He took a wrong turn

and got stuck in the guy's nose.

I'd rather get beat up than be called a snitch.

Yeah, that's the worst.

On Melmac, some guy called me a snitch

just because I turned him in to the secret police.

What're you doing in this barrel?

Oh, there I was getting ready to go up Widow-maker Falls.

You went up a waterfall?

Yeah, and the ride was so rough, I almost threw down.

[hiccups]

- Oh, no! - Well..

[hiccups] ...yes.

You're the first humans

who've ever heard the dreaded Melmackian hiccups.

Uh, what is it that makes them so dreaded

besides that irritating metallic echo?

That irritating metallic echo

gets louder and louder

day by day

week by week, year by..

[hiccups]

...year.

There are many things in this universe

you're not meant to understand.

Now, that doesn't mean they're not real.

I'm real and whether other people believe you or not

you know I'm real.

Thank you.

Let me ask you something.

Why are you wearing all those utensils?

Ah. Well, that's one of the things

you're not supposed to understand.

Uh, here's another one.

You should set a couple of pumpkin pies

out on your back porch once a week

and never question why they disappear.

Uh, twice a week.

So, what do you think?

I think Johnny

will never speak to me again.

Hey, hey, relax.

If Johnny's gonna be mad at anybody, it'll be Fred.

Booking all those unprepared guests.

Speaking of guests, His Holiness John Paul is back.

Great. Let's bring him out..

[instrumental music]

...just as soon as I show these clips.

Roll 'em!

[choral music]

[bell rings]

I hear you're looking for a few good monks.

Oh, howdy, Raquel.

[screaming]

[screaming]

[ALF screaming]

[instrumental music on TV]

Care for a cookie?

Alright, after your nap.

Oh, ALF. What are you doing? We were just sitting..

There'll be no talking during tonight's performance.

And now, our opening joke.

Say hello, dummy.

Hello, dummy.

Aah! Aah!

Oh, brother.

Oh-oh!

The crowd looks tough.

So does the roast beef.

[laughing]

[screaming]

ALF, are you alright?

Oh, yeah. Everything's fine.

Why..

Why do you have those clothespins

attached to your head?

It's a form of acupressure.

On Melmac, we use it to relieve writer's block.

Let's see.

Which was the button for a cheeseburger?

Uh.

[beeps] Ah!

Hey, you, come here.

Yes?

How did you get out of your cage?

I work here.

Uh, look.

I'll give you five bucks

if you let me out of this cage.

Ten if you clean it while I'm out.

Hey, you guys want some beans?

I do! I do!

Ahh! A loose kangaroo!

[screaming]

[whistle blows]

Headache?

You certainly are.

Whoa, ho ho ho!

The natives are restless!

Hey, ladies and gentlemen, it's Rich Little!

Hi, Ed.

What the heck are you doing here?

Well, I'm here to guest host "The Tonight Show."

What a coincidence. So am I.

Not for long. I just got a call from Johnny.

Um, uh, what did my close, personal friend Johnny say?

He said, and I quote..

[imitating Johnny Carson] "Uh! Ha ha ha!

Get over there and 86 that troublemaking buffoon."

Yeah? Well, if Ed goes, I go.

No, no, no, no. He meant you, ALF.

Listen, you've got a major

religious leader backstage

you've turned this whole thing

into a commercial for your show..

Well, hey, you know

if big John wants me to step aside

and let you show your clips, so be it.

I didn't bring any clips.

In that case..

Hey, Bobby, roll my final clip.

The one I like to call

"ALF And Remembrance."

Are you here because of a painful secret

from your past like I am?

Or you are just one of those guys who likes wearing a dress?

Right. We are a silent order.

We don't speak.

Ixnay on the eaking-spay!

Got it.

Hmm! Mnh! Mmm!

Joke time, alright?

This one will knock you on your cassocks!

What happened when the heater went off in the convent?

They had a bunch of blue nuns.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Blue nuns. Get it? Ah!

Tough room.

I was gonna faint, but I think I made my point.

Too bad we didn't buy it.

You didn't?

[gasps]

ALF, you fainted on a snail.

Whoa. Whoa.

Now, the trick here

is to concentrate all your energy

and let it explode in a blinding flash of destruction.

Watch.

Hyah!

Alright!

Well, that never worked before.

Do it again.

Okay.

Hyah!

I guess there's only pain

when you don't break the board.

Unbelievable pain.

Let me tuck you in.

Okay.

There you go.

Thanks, ALF.

You're a good friend.

Hey, anything for my Willie.

You want me to press my lips up against your forehead?

[screams]

Well..

That piece doesn't fit there.

Yes, it does.

Voila!

Excuse me, Kate, I'm off to South Dakota.

I've got a rendezvous with history.

[instrumental music]

ALF, why don't you try holding your breath again?

That should work.

Okay.

[inhales deeply]

[gasping]

[hiccups]

Body block!

Ha! Ha!

We'll be right back after this commercial.

I hope it's a promo for my show.

[instrumental music]

Well, let's put it to a vote.

Was this the best "Tonight Show" ever?

[audience applauds]

I abstain.

And I demand a recount.

And I'd like to thank my guests

Dr. Joyce Brothers.

Joan Embery of the San Diego Zoo

and His Holiness Pope..

Oh, oh, ooh, I never brought out the Pope!

You've got 30 seconds.

Ladies and gentlemen, His Holiness Pope John Paul II.

[instrumental music]

Hey.

I'd like to thank my guests

Joyce, Joan

and, of course, Pope.

Uh, Johnny, sorry about your cup and your dressing room

uh, and the limo. Uh. Did I say limo?

Ha! That wasn't me, just the first two.

Goodnight, everybody!

How'd he get those whites so white?

[theme music]

[music continues]