Original subtitles

Kate, this lasagna looks really great!

Very well worth the interminable wait.

I asked you twice to stop doing that.

What? We're just having a pre-dinner chat.

You know what I mean.

Rhyming everything I say.

No problem, Willie, have it your way.

Kate!

Kate, he's doing it again.

What?

He's rhyming the last word of everything I say.

Go ahead, ALF.

He's been doing it all day.

Now, he's got me doing it.

[door opens]

What a creep.

I never want to see him again.

I guess Lynn and her boyfriend had a fight.

We should go see if she's alright.

Oh, sure, when Kate makes a rhyme it's no big deal.

Just for that, I'm eating your meal.

[theme music]

[music continues]

Okay, dad, your turn.

Okay..

Science or sports?

He'll take science.

Do you mind?

I can pick my own category.

Who won the Super Bowl last year?

I'll take science.

What is the primary element of the planet Jupiter?

Oh, it's easy. Hydrogen.

Eh! You're wrong!

It's buttermilk.

Willie's right.

It's hydrogen.

Then why do they call it the Dairy Planet?

Who calls it the Dairy Planet?

Jupitonians.

It's on their license plates.

Mom, it's your turn.

Okay.

Entertainment.

Okay, uh, what singing phenomenon--

Eh! Florence Henderson.

ALF, it's not your turn.

The answer's not Florence Henderson.

It's Shirley Jones.

Oh, like there's really a difference.

Mail's here.

Not that it matters.

Oh, come and join us, honey.

Take ALF's place.

I don't really feel like it.

I'll be in my room. Not that it matters.

Gee, what a downer.

It's only been a week since she broke up with L-Lloyd.

I never understood, why he pronounced both the Ls.

Because he was a l-lox.

You know, it takes a little time to get over a break-up.

I'm gonna go check on her.

Well, see you l-later.

ALF, there's a book here for you.

You ordered a book?

Don't worry, Wilco.

It was free.

For joining the Book-of-the-Month Club.

You joined the Book-of-the-Month Club?

Well, technically, you did.

Fortunately, they didn't run a credit check.

"Shelley Winters' Guide to True Love?"

We're sending it back.

It's not for me.

It's to help Lynn.

Oh-ho. This'll be a great help.

"Chapter One.

Love is like a pizza."

Brilliant!

"Love is like a pizza.

"Sometimes it's cold and flat

"sometimes it's hot and gooey.

"The secret is to take it a slice at a time

and hold the anchovies."

ALF, I don't wanna talk about love..

...or pizza.

Well, according to Shelley

you're wallowing in the muck of self-pity.

She says you'll feel better

if you confide in a close friend.

So come on, confide.

Alright.

L-Lloyd wants to go out with other girls.

Ugh. There's that name again.

Do you want me to confide or not?

Sorry.

L-Lloyd.

We were so perfect for each other.

We were gonna get married at the planetarium.

He was even gonna name a comet after me.

What was he gonna name it? L-Lynn?

Last time, I promise.

[knock on door]

She wants to be alone!

[door opens]

I just dropped in to say goodnight

and see if you need anything.

No thanks, mom.

Frozen yogurt for me, thanks.

ALF, I was asking Lynn.

From that place at the mall, if you're going that way.

Drive carefully.

I'll never love anyone again.

Oh, sure. Let's get back to your problem.

ALF, you're the one who wanted me to talk about it.

Alright.

Aren't there any other fellas you'd like to date?

Well..

...there is this one guy..

But that doesn't mean he'd wanna go out with me.

Well, who is it?

His name is Danny Duckworth.

He's on the baseball team.

Let's see..

Uh...here's his picture.

The dork holding the water bucket?

No, no, no, that's his cousin Donnie.

See, Danny's the one swinging the three bats.

So call him up.

I can't do that, he'd know I like him.

You don't want the boy you like

to know you like him?

- Right. - Makes sense.

You don't understand.

Oh, I understand.

Nobody on this planet ever says what they mean.

We say what we mean.

As long as the other person says it first.

Shelley, Shelley, it's up to you, babe.

Come on. Don't let me down.

Ah. "Chapter Two.

"Take action.

Ask a friend to fix you up."

Well, there you have it.

Yo, operator.

Do you have a listing for a Duckworth?

[instrumental music]

Why would he even try making banana coffee?

I don't think you even want...to know.

Hey, Willie, when's the last time

you changed the blades in this razor?

Oh, my-my razor is elec..

[gasps]

Why were you shaving?

According to Shelley women like clean-shaven men.

Don't ever touch..

...anything that touches my face.

(Lynn) 'ALF?'

How could you do this to me?

I couldn't find my own roll-on.

Lynn, what's wrong?

I have got a date to go bowling

with Donnie Duckworth, the geekiest guy in school

thanks to my brother ALF.

Your brother?

That's what he told Donnie

when he called him on the phone.

You wanted me to.

I did not want you to!

Well, you said you liked the guy.

I said I liked Danny Duckworth.

You called Donnie, his cousin.

Danny, Donnie, Florence, Shirley.

I'm getting a headache!

Think I'll go lie down.

Well, hold it right there, bro.

I think you have one more phone call to make

to get this thing straightened out.

It's too late, mom.

Donnie has already bought us

matching bowling shirts.

That was my idea!

I hope you like paisley.

[instrumental music]

Now, the secret to bowling

or talequoits, as it's known in the civilized universe

is in the wrist action.

And in the ripeness of the melon.

Ugh! We don't bowl with cantaloupes.

Then, what do you bowl with?

Heavy plastic balls.

You're kidding.

Well, at least it's something edible.

[doorbell dings]

Oh, great. Donnie's here.

Now, remember, according to Shelley

dating is the best therapy for a failed romance.

That and chocolate.

Hi, you must be Donnie Duckworth.

- Come on in. - Thanks.

But I'm Danny Duckworth

I'm Donnie Duckworth's cousin.

Oh, it's nice to meet you.

Where's Donnie...Duckworth?

Hm, Danny?

Well, he got so nervous about this date

that he started pukin' his guts out.

Oh, that's not good.

Yeah, he had a date with a cheerleader once

nearly coughed up his spleen.

That's not good either.

Uh, Lynn?

Hi, I'm Mrs. Tanner, you must be...Donnie Duckworth?

No, no, I'm Danny Duckworth. See, Donnie couldn't come--

Uh, yeah, it involves organ displacement, dear.

I'll-I'll fill you in later.

You know, I hope it's okay with Lynn that I came instead.

- Oh. - Oh, I'm sure she won't mind.

Oh, good.

Danny Duckworth.

Hiya, Lynn.

Donnie's sick, so I-I just came instead.

I hope that's okay.

Are you kidding?

I mean, I-I guess so.

He gave us these bowling shirts

but I-I don't really like bowling.

So I thought maybe we'd go to a drive-in.

Is that okay too?

That's fantastic!

I mean...that's fine.

The only snag is, uh, I don't have a car.

What happened to your van?

Oh, that's where Donnie vomited.

That's not good.

¶ Ay oh whey oh ¶

¶ Ay oh whey oh ¶

¶ Walk like an Egyptian ¶¶

(Lynn) 'Bye! Thanks for letting us use the car.'

Hide like an Egyptian.

Well, this is it.

Uh, can I drive?

- I think I'd better drive. - Oh, okay.

But when we get there, can we just change places

in case we see anybody we know?

- Sure. - Thanks.

Oh, great, we're going bowling

and I don't even have a cantaloupe.

[instrumental music]

You know, I'm sorry about this movie

it was supposed to be "Moonstruck," you know.

Oh, that's okay.

I've been dying to see "Death Wish 11."

Do-do you want some popcorn or..

Oh, not right now.

Thanks.

(Danny) 'Nachos? How about some nachos?'

(Lynn) 'No, thanks.'

[clicking]

[gunfire]

[screams] What, it-it's just a flesh wound.

Hey, I thought that you wanted to be a doctor.

I do, but right now I-I want some popcorn.

Would you mind, I just, I suddenly got

this uncontrollable urge for popcorn.

Oh, sure. Sure.

Do you want the $8 size or-or the 12?

- You decide. - Okay.

Hi.

What are you doing in this car?

Missing "Designing Women."

And for what?

What if Danny sees you?

Hey, I'm trapped here

so let's just make the best of it, okay?

You are gonna ruin everything.

What's to ruin?

We're sitting in a parking lot

listening to a movie.

This is a drive-in.

It's just like a regular movie

except you stay in your car.

Well, at least I can order food.

Yo, Jack! I'll have a burger and some fries.

That speaker is for the movie.

Oh, hey, can you roll "Animal House"

for the blue station wagon?

Get down, Danny's gonna be back any minute.

Well, then you might wanna take a look at chapter nine.

"Laying the trap."

I don't need your help, or Shelley's.

Do I have to remind you what you'd be doing tonight

if it weren't for our help?

What?

Do the words, "Go fish, Brian"

ring a bell?

[instrumental music]

Why is Lucky's water dish in the microwave?

ALF!

I already looked for ALF. I can't find him anywhere.

Well, did you check under our bed?

- Yup. - In the garage?

- Yup. - In the car?

- What car? - Our car.

Our car is gone.

Willie, Lynn took our car to the drive-in.

Oh, sure, she'll take ALF to the drive-in

but not me.

[doorbell dings]

Kate, you answer the door.

I'll go to the drive-in and get ALF.

[gasping] I can't go to the drive-in

Lynn's got the car!

You know, perhaps this isn't the best time

to raise this issue but I still think

we need a second car.

- Hi, Kate. - Oh, Trevor.

Trevor, could we borrow your car?

Whatever happened to, "Hi, neighbor, how are ya?

How was the hunting trip? Here's your mail?"

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.

Hi, neighbor, how are ya?

How was your hunting trip?

Well, we left last Saturday.

And the first thing that happened was

we pulled out of the driveway and got a flat tire.

Took Raquel a half hour to fix it.

Then everything was fine

until we get up around Big Pine.

We got onto Highway 190

and about 15 miles down the road

we ran smack into a detour.

Right down a gravel road.

- Your mail. - Oh, thanks.

Now, can we borrow your car?

Don't you wanna hear about the gravel road?

Not really.

I mean, I-I.. I'd-I'd love to

Trevor, but I gotta run.

I'm sure Kate would.

(Trevor) 'So anyway, we finally got back onto 190'

and got to this town Falstaff.

Hm, not even a souvenir shop.

No Stuckey's, no nothin'.

We ended up eating at this place called Food Here.

Not bad, but they didn't have any Sweet'N Low.

So, uh, you and L-Larry broke up, huh?

You mean L-Lloyd?

Oh, ye-yeah.

That's right.

[tires squeal]

[siren wails]

Oh! Did I do that?

I don't think that you could have.

I must have. I'm always dropping things.

Well, it's okay. I'll just clean it all up.

No! I mean, leave it.

My father likes to clean out the car.

He-he got a Dustbuster for Father's Day.

Okay.

[choking]

[coughing]

Are you alright?

I'll let you know in a minute.

I'm okay.

[retching]

[coughing]

Actually, I could use a soft drink.

Oh, well-well, what kind?

[coughs] Root beer's fine.

Do-do you want the 7.50 size or the $10?

[coughing] You decide.

You know I hate root beer.

Why are you ruining this date for me?

You call this a date? This isn't a date.

This is an oil painting.

I don't even know why you bothered to go.

Because some nosy alien

got me a date over the phone.

Nosy? Is that a snide snout remark?

Just forget it.

I wish this whole thing never happened.

Well, then, let's ditch this Danny dude

and hit the road.

- No. - Why?

Well, because it would be rude and..

...and because he-he'd have to walk home.

And because...

Because you like him.

Well, yeah. I like him.

Ever since tenth grade.

But I'm not gonna tell him.

Why not?

Because I made that mistake with L-Lloyd

and look what happened.

So what?

You think that's the only time

you're gonna get dumped?

Shelley says, "There's a broken light

for every heart on Broadway."

I am so tired of Shelley telling me what to do.

Lynn, this doesn't just come from Shelley.

It comes from the old ALFer.

Hey, you think I haven't had a few experiences

with the opposite sexes?

Have you ever had your heart broken?

Many times.

I was engaged to one woman for 58 years.

What was her name?

Ruby.

So what happened to her?

She took her love to town.

Even though I said don't.

I'm sorry.

The very next day I met Rhonda at a pet bake.

And I thought, she's beautiful.

Boy, I want her.

But I was afraid I might get hurt again.

So what'd you do?

Well, I waited 17 years

then I asked her out.

The day after that, my planet exploded.

Seventeen years, wasted.

I understand, ALF. Thanks.

Oh, get down. Danny's coming.

Yeah, yeah.

I couldn't decide, so I, I got you both.

Thanks.

Danny..

...there's something I wanna tell you.

- What? You didn't want ice? - No, no.

Um..

[sighs] Ever since tenth grade..

Oh, yeah, old lady Cassidy's class.

Boy, I had such a crush on you.

- You had a crush on me? - Yeah.

Well, how come you never told me?

Well, I didn't want you to know that I liked you.

You know, that's the trouble with Earthlings.

I mean, people.

They never say what they mean.

If this planet were to explode tomorrow

just think of all the time we would have wasted.

Huh?

Never mind.

- I'm just happy you like me. - I like you a lot.

In fact, I paid Donnie to say that he was sick

so that I could go out with you.

- Really? - Yeah, really.

[chuckles] That's so cute.

Wait a minute, you bought me.

Twenty bucks and the use of my van for the night.

Plus, I had to reimburse them for the bowling shirts.

But, boy, you're worth it.

(Willie) 'Excuse me.'

Lynn, it's your dad.

- Dad! - Hi.

Hi, Lynn. Hi, Danny.

Hi there, Mr. Tanner.

What a nice surprise.

Uh, Lynn, uh, this is gonna sound strange

but, uh..

...your mother couldn't

go to sleep tonight..

...because she didn't have

that old orange blanket.

You know that old, furry blanket

that's always getting lost.

Yeah, you know, I think it's right back there.

It..

It sure is.

I'm just gonna, uh, grab it.

And then I'm gonna be on my way.

- Okay. - You guys just go..

Why don't you guys just go back and watch the movie?

Danny, what's happening now?

Uh, Bronson just snuffed another guy

because they gave him his steak well done.

Okay, I got it.

Yes, I do. Ugh.

[grunting] I sure have got it.

(Willie) 'Now, I'll be on my way.'

Night, dad.

(ALF) 'Willie, can we stop

at the concession stand?'

No, we can't.

'The prices are very reasonable.'

[eerie music on TV]

No, no! Don't open that door!

Oh, no! She opened the door!

Yike-Er-Oni.

What are you guys doing out here?

This is our drive-in theater.

Yeah, and you two snuck in.

I'm calling the manager.

What are you watching anyway?

Oh, "The Return of the Son of the Creature

from the Big Black Bog."

Starring Ronnie Schell.

Would you mind if we join you?

Okay, but don't hog the popcorn.

And don't fog up the windows back there.

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]