Original subtitles

Three hundred dollars in phone calls?

Sorry. I've been bored.

Half of these phone calls are to the phone in Lynn's room.

I've been lazy too.

You federal expressed a letter to Brian?

It absolutely, positively had to be there.

[knock on door]

(Trevor) 'Hey, Tanners. It's us!'

ALF...kitchen.

No problem. I'll call a cab.

You'll walk! Now!

One day, I'll walk into that kitchen

and keep right on walking.

Oh!

(ALF) 'Ow!'

- Hi, Trevor, Raquel. - Willie.

- Hi. - What's up?

Tomorrow night we're having a surprise party

for our nephew, Jake.

To celebrate his passing the eighth grade

after only one year.

He's so smart, it's scary.

A $300 phone bill?

Yes, Raquel, that's our phone bill.

Most of those calls are to your daughter's phone number.

We're a close family.

So what's your repondez, s'il vous plait?

- I'm sure we can all be there. - Terrific.

The party begins at 8:00, we'll break the pinata at 9:00.

- See you then. - Toodles.

A pinata! A pinata!

Let me at it!

Oh, ALF, you know you have to stay here.

Great!

A party where stuff gets broken and I can't go!

[theme music]

[no audio]

[no audio]

[no audio]

[no audio]

[instrumental music]

Oh, hi, ALF.

Hey, didn't you see the sign on the door?

"Genius at work."

I'm sorry.

I didn't make the connection.

- Aah. - Yeah, yeah.

Hey, as long as you're here, check this out.

"Do not be afraid.

"I'm a superior being from the planet Melmac.

And even on Melmac, I was considered above average."

Of course, they did grade on a curve.

Read on.

"I'm not a God.

"There is no reason to kneel.

Okay, if you insist."

Works for me. You?

I assume this is more than a typing lesson.

It's my press release.

I've decided to reveal myself to the world.

This way I can meet new people.

Travel. See a Grateful Dead concert.

I don't think the authorities would even let you out in public

much less become a deadhead.

You'd become government property.

That's fine, as long as I've got my freedom.

Don't you understand?

You'll have no freedom.

What are you saying? I'd have no freedom?

Yes!

Think about it, ALF.

You'd-you'd become a specimen on a shelf.

You'd be alone in a lab.

Doomed to spend each and every day in isolation.

Look at this. They've got me wired for cable.

Let's see.

Which was the button for a cheeseburger?

Uh..

[electricity crackling] Aah!

Oh, that's not it!

Uh..

[electricity crackling] Aah!

Oh, I've got to label these buttons.

Great. I wiped out half my childhood memories for celery!

Hey, you! Come here.

Yes?

How did you get out of your cage?

I work here.

Sorry.

Uh, look

I'll give you five bucks if you'll let me out of this cage.

Ten, if you clean it while I'm out.

Can't do it.

Please.

Look, I-I've got to get out of here.

I've got a family. I've got a life.

I've got a cake in the oven!

I guess you should've thought about that

before you exposed yourself to the world

Specimen A-L-F/1.

I'm not a specimen. I'm a spaceman.

Get the teeth fixed, Boris.

[ALF sighs]

[electricity crackling]

Well, I guess there's still no word from the governor.

Well, you're living in the Dark Ages, Willie or won't he?

Alright, what do you think would happen

if you went public with this?

If I revealed myself to the world

I could become...a star.

- Could not. - Could too.

I might even get my own TV show.

A poignant drama about my generation.

We'll call it "230 something."

Keep dreaming.

It's not a dream, Willie.

This could really happen.

Hey, maybe I'll host a talk show like David Letterman.

I have a gap between my teeth.

[audience cheering]

My, oh, my. We're having some fun tonight.

Later on "Stupid Pet Tricks," you'll see a cat

do a 50 foot dive into my mouth.

[laughs]

[glass shatters]

Oh, I almost forgot.

Say hello to Willie Tanner, ladies and gentlemen.

[applauding]

Hi, babe.

I want to thank you for bringing me on board

after you fired Paul Shaffer.

Oh, you're welcome.

Willie boy, he does it all, including my laundry. Ha! Ha!

May I say, you are the best dressed dude in the biz.

Yes, you may.

[glass shattering]

Let's bring out my first guest

Ms. Sandy Dunkin.

[audience applauding]

[instrumental music]

[audience cheering]

[audience whistling]

[kissing]

- Hey, nice outfit. - Thanks.

You buy anything else at Sher's garage sale?

Ha ha. Just kidding.

What have you been up to?

Um, well..

I've been doing a new series called "Valerie's Family."

Ah, "Valerie's Family."

That's the one where they killed off the mother

to give you her job, right?

No, no, no. That's not actually what happened.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's your story.

No, no, no. Really, it wa.. Forget it.

Um, ALF, it's-it's good to be here with you.

I haven't done the show since you got rid of David.

Well, I didn't at least kill him to get the job.

You know the longer I sit here, the more I miss David.

Take elevator five he's running that now.

We'll be right back after this word from our sponsor.

Maybe you will be.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

What?

You've got a vivid imagination, ALF.

And a surprisingly big ego, babe.

You're dangerously close to losing the bandleader gig, man.

I don't wanna be a bandleader.

I just want you to think before you do something stupid.

Would inviting ten newspapers to a press conference

be considered stupid?

- Yes! - Then you're too late.

You called ten newspapers?

And a couple of TV stations.

Tomorrow at 1:00 p.m.

I shall expose myself to the world.

No.

You're right.

Maybe I should put on some pants.

[instrumental music]

No reporters yet.

I can't believe it.

This is the worst thing that ALF has ever done.

Maybe the reporters won't even come.

Maybe they thought ALF was a crank.

Well, at least one reporter is coming.

I promised him whiskey.

Why are you dressed in that getup?

Showmanship, babe.

- ALF.. - Hey.

My real space suit looks like a hefty bag.

Look, I just wanna be free.

As free as the wind blows.

As free as the grass grows.

Born free to follow my heart.

ALF, we understand how you feel, but you've got to realize--

Live free as beauty surrounds me.

The world still astounds me.

Hi, dad.

- Did you get it? - Yeah.

ALF, I've got something for you.

- Oh, a coming-out present! - Not exactly.

A videotape. Alright!

Wait a minute. This is a documentary.

Just the antidote for my boredom.

I want you to watch this, ALF.

What's that?

It's a Ugandan orangutan.

What's he throwing at the camera?

Never mind.

Here, this is the part I want you to watch.

(man on TV) 'The Ugandan orangutan had become extinct'

'except for this last remaining male'

'as there were no females with which to breed.'

I know the feeling.

'This last Ugandan orangutan'

'was ultimately captured and isolated'

'until its death last year.'

'Scientists speculate the animal died of loneliness.'

That was nice.

Oh, I think I hear the reporter coming.

ALF, don't you understand?

You could end up just like that poor animal.

That won't happen to me. I'm one of a kind.

So was the orangutan.

All that proves is that orangutans

don't live well in captivity.

Do aliens?

I don't know.

I've never been captivated.

Not yet.

[gasps]

[doorbell dings]

Blimey, what have I done?

Hide me! Hide me! Hide me!

Where are you going?

I wanna be alone.

Come on, Brian, keep me company.

Hello.

I'm here for the media event of the century.

It's been canceled.

Whiskey been canceled too?

- Yes. - Figures.

ALF, are you alright?

Yeah.

But if Robin Leach calls back

just say, "ALF who?"

[sighs]

ALF?

[yawning]

Welcome to ALF-catraz.

How was the party tonight?

Oh, it was okay, I guess.

Jake broke the pinata.

Trevor bruised a couple of ribs diving for the candy.

ALF..

...what are you doing?

When Melmacians try to drown our sorrows

we gravitate towards cheap imitation porcelain.

I'll have you know, this is expensive

imitation porcelain.

We also eat more.

How is that possible?

Well, our spare stomachs open up.

By the way, don't bother looking for your laxative on a rope.

Oh, you mean my soap on a rope?

Trust me on this one.

Here you go, ALF.

Oh, wow, you really are depressed.

I need something to wash this down.

Got any ketchup?

Coming right up.

Dad, we've got to do something about this.

You're right.

You may not want to watch this, Willie.

Oh, I've seen you eat before, ALF.

[chomping]

(Kate) 'Get out of this bathroom!'

'I am going to take a bath, and that's final.'

[door closes]

(ALF) 'Fine! I'll go sulk in the kids' bathroom.'

Um, before you do that, ALF

could you come out here for a moment?

Sure, why not?

It's not like I was born free to follow my heart or anything.

(all) Surprise!

Willie, intruder alert!

I've been seen by a vicious snarling mob.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, hey, wait a minute. I know this mob.

We've invited everyone who's ever met you.

Were you surprised?

Heck no. I knew it all along.

[murmuring]

I guess, you are shaking 'cause you are cold.

Hey, I just got out of the tub.

How's it going Jake-o'-lantern?

Great, give me five!

Here's four. I owe you one! Ha! Ha!

- How you doing, ALF? - Larry, my shrink!

Hey, nice to see you when I'm not wacko.

I challenge that.

Grandma Dorothy.

How's your much younger husband, Wizzer?

Always a pleasure.

Look, ALF, Jody's here.

"Citizen Kane!" Yeah! Nice to see you.

Nice not to see you.

Ha! Ha! What a kidder!

- Hey, watch out for the lamp! - Oh.

ALF, we wanted to show you that

your world isn't as limited as you thought.

We know it's not the same as going out

and making new friends, but we hope it helps.

I couldn't ask for more.

Where are the presents?

- 'Oh!' - Presents?

Presents? We gave you presents

at Christmas and at your birthday and on St. Melmac's Day

which I really doubt was all that big a holiday anyway.

Hey, forget the presents.

I guess it's enough that my friends

and Dorothy are here.

Surprise!

Oh, boy!

Friends with presents are the best kind of friends

and Dorothy.

[laughing]

(ALF) 'I'll open your present next, Jody.'

(Jody) 'Well, I'm just gonna have to take your word for that.'

[laughing]

Oh, a sweater!

Thank you, Jody.

You're welcome, ALF.

Now you can get rid of that ratty one

you're always wearing.

I better start using a conditioner.

She thinks ALF's fur is a sweater.

I'm sorry, Larry, didn't I warn you?

Jody doesn't know ALF's an alien.

- Uh-oh. - What?

Well, I told her about the time ALF ate your tennis racket

because he thought the strings were made of catgut.

Hey, thanks, Dorothy.

I always wanted to learn how to play jai alai.

It's a Dustbuster.

I know that.

I was being whimsical.

I thought you could get off your duff

and do a little housework.

You shouldn't have.

I really mean it!

ALF, I didn't have any money

so I fixed the CD player you broke.

Oh, great!

- Oh! - 'ALF.'

My birthday is in six months.

Um, Brian come here.

[indistinct whispering]

Speech! Speech!

[indistinct chattering]

Well, unaccustomed as I am to public speaking

as there's very seldom a public here to speak to

I'll be brief.

I wouldn't put money on that.

Mom, shh.

Actually, I just wanted to say that

I never realized how good I have it.

I don't need to go out and make new friends.

I already have the best friends including Dorothy

anyone could have.

Oh, why, ALF, thank you. Thank you very..

¶ Dottie's gonna cry ¶¶

Oh, stop it! I am not.

[knock on door] 'Hey, Tanners! It's us.'

Oh, no. It's Trevor. Well, he wasn't invited.

Yeah, that never stops him.

I think just for a change of pace, I'll..

[chuckles] ...hide in the kitchen.

Ha! I kill us.

Well, why is ALF hiding?

- Well, uh-- - He owes the Ochmoneks money.

[sighs] I thought you said they were going out tonight.

They always go dancing on Saturdays.

- Oh, hello. - Hi.

We were wondering if you knew where Jake went?

R-right here!

Oh, you're having a party.

How interesting.

And we weren't invited?

After having them over last night!

Now, now, Trevor, I'm sure the Tanners

had a very good reason for stiffing us.

Well, it's not a party party.

It's a Tupperware party.

Oh, you mean the party where you have to buy stuff?

Gotta dance!

But I will have a slab of that cake.

I'll get a couple of plates.

Thanks. Bring Raquel one too.

I'm sorry for the interruption.

No problem.

I enjoy the challenge of avoiding those two.

- It keeps me young. - Not me.

Hey, Willie..

...thanks for the party and everything.

It's nice to know there's someone around

to save me from myself.

You're welcome, pal!

(Raquel) 'Willie, I need a doggie bag.'

(Kate) 'Raquel, don't go in there.'

Ah, the game is afoot.

[piano music]

ALF, aren't you having a good time?

Yeah, I'm just sick of Larry telling that story

about me eating the tennis racket.

So, there he was with the handle sticking out of his mouth!

I can't believe I invited them all back tomorrow.

You what?

They're my friends and Dorothy.

Besides, I could use the extra presents.

(Larry) Encore, encore.

Willie, Willie

do you know "And The Band Played On?"

Well, I sure do.

Well, play it!

[piano music]

¶ Casey would waltz with a strawberry blond ¶

¶ And the band played on ¶

¶ And on and on and on and on ¶

¶ And on ¶ ¶ And the band played on ¶

¶ His brain was so loaded it nearly exploded ¶

¶ The poor girl would shake with alarm ¶

¶ He married the girl with the strawberry curl ¶

¶ And the band played on-n-n ¶¶

[theme music]