Original subtitles

[humming]

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Why not?

Because I might lose.

I'm sorry.

Check.

[telephone ringing]

Get that, Willie. I wanna plan my next move.

[ringing continues]

Uh, hello.

The who-meister?

Oh. Yeah.

Sure, just a minute. Hang on.

- It's for you. - It must be Jody.

Hello.

Hey, Jod-meister.

What's happening?

I saw that, Willie.

Your building's going where?

Condo? Where's condo?

Oh! Oh!

Hey, it's no problem.

Yeah, you could stay here till you find a new place.

Well, why would anybody mind?

No, we have a slogan here, "Welcome."

It's on the mat outside.

Uh, Willie sends his love.

Okay, buh-bye.

Hang that up, will you, Willie?

The mat outside says, "Wipe your feet."

Jody's blind. She'll never know.

Don't you think you should have checked with us

before you invited her to stay?

What for? We banter back and forth.

You'd do that frustrated head rubbing thing

and then you'd give in.

This way we're spared, all of that.

[sighs]

Hey, Lynn, you wanna take over for Willie?

Okay.

- Your move. - Okay.

[laughing]

Checkmate.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

It's not that we don't want

Jody to stay.

It's just that we have a rule

and that rule is--

No dating boys with vans.

I don't think that rule applies.

It is a good one, though.

Look, you shouldn't have invited a guest

without asking us.

Would you rather I dated a boy with a van?

Why can't Jody stay for a few days?

She needs a place. What could happen?

Well, for one thing she could discover that--

We know, we know..

(all) ALF's an alien.

You know, I think it's time you got that printed on T-shirts.

- ALF, she could find out. - But she won't.

Look, I met her once and she didn't find out then.

As long as she doesn't get too touchy-feely, we're okay.

But she could find out.

Look, you spent two or three hours with her, we're talking

about two or three days here.

Two or three days? I told her she could stay a month.

Only a month.

Well, actually I told her she could stay forever.

But I thought I'd break it to you a month at a time.

ALF..

I think we should let Jody stay.

Yeah, we put up with your mother staying here.

Well, that's true.

Willie.

Well, she does have that nasal thing at night, Kate.

Yeah, the he-e-e!

[nasal] He-e-e!

[nasal] He-e-e!

Alright, alright. We get the picture.

Doesn't Jody have any other friends she could stay with?

Friends from this planet?

No, she's very shy. Just like me.

You? Shy?

You should have seen Melmacians who were outgoing.

It was a planet of game show hosts.

Look, I'm sorry, ALF, we'd like her to stay..

...but I'm afraid it's just too risky.

Well, how would you feel if you were blind and homeless

with no one to turn to?

I think ALF has a point.

You're darn right.

What is it?

That we can't turn our back on someone who needs us.

Well...alright.

She can use the guest bedroom

until she finds a place of her own.

Great! Great! Thanks, Lynn. I owe you one.

One?

Well, one today.

[instrumental music]

Perfect.

[lamp crashes]

Almost perfect.

What was that crash?

A lamp fell off the furniture.

That leads to my next two questions.

A, what was the lamp doing on a pile of furniture?

And B..

...why is the furniture in a pile?

Well, aren't you forgetting C?

What are we having for lunch?

Who piled up all the furniture?

ALF, why did you pile up all the furniture?

I stacked it to get it out of Jody's way.

She'll be safe as long as she

stays out of the falling-lamp zone.

ALF, let's, let's rethink this.

Jody lived in an apartment.

Jody had furniture.

Jody walked around the furniture.

See Jody. See Jody run.

Run, Jody, run.

See the furniture.

See the alien move the furniture back.

Move, alien...move.

See the alien throw out his back.

See the alien blame the Tanners.

Lawsuit, Tanners, lawsuit.

I think the Jodster's here.

Okay, everyone, stay calm.

We are calm.

Well, then, show some enthusiasm.

[knocking on door]

Excuse me, I'm not sure I have the right house.

I'm looking for--

Jod-meister!

[chuckles] This is the place.

Uh, it's okay. Thanks.

Come on in, Jody. I'm Willie.

Oh, the patriarch of the Tanner clan.

Sounds good to me.

And-and this is my wife, Kate.

- Hello. - Kate, hi.

And-and this is Lynn and Brian.

- Hi, nice to meet you. - You too.

- Hi. - Jody, run around.

You won't bump into anything.

[chuckles] Oh.

Well, I-I hope you didn't go to the trouble

of rearranging the furniture.

It was no trouble. It was fun.

It'll be even more fun putting it back.

Oh, well, then you could do it.

Thanks for letting me stay here.

I hate to impose, but I-I didn't know what else to do.

Well, you're not imposing.

No. We're glad you're here.

And stay as long as you like.

Yeah, ALF did.

Well, thanks, but I'm sure I'll be out of your hair in few days.

That's what ALF said.

[instrumental music]

Five, four

three, two..

[imitating a buzzer]

Time's up. What's your guess?

Uh, Swiss.

Close, but no cigar.

It's Monterey Jack, Swiss' country cousin.

Are you sure? There are holes in this.

I used a hole puncher.

That's cheating.

All's fair in love and guess-the-cheese.

[laughing]

Let's play guess-the-belch.

[belches]

ALF.

No, no. You don't guess who belched.

You guess what they ate.

Oh, ALF..

...why are there little cheese dots

in the living room?

Well, I've never heard that term before

but I think those are your children.

ALF, did you do this to the hole puncher?

That explains the little cheese dots.

And why was today's newspaper thrown into the trash?

I don't know. Ask Kate.

I am Kate.

I know.

I was hoping I'd confuse you

and you'd forget the question.

ALF, I thought you said the paper didn't come today.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave

when we don't want our guests to leave.

Kate, Willie..

...I'm sorry.

Can someone please read me the classifieds?

Sure.

Hey, you can't read those.

They're classified. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Oh, here's a good one.

"Two bedroom, two bath."

Give me that thing. I'll find something.

- Whoa! This looks good. - What is it?

Rib roast is a buck fifty nine a pound.

I can't live in a rib roast.

Yeah, but would it be nice if you could.

Well, let me look here.

Wait a minute, here's one, here.

"Cozy one-bedroom, furnished, wall-to-wall carpeting, view--"

- Pass. - Why?

It says, "One month's security."

After that you'd be in danger.

I think I'll give him a call anyway.

What's the number?

It's, uh, 5-5-5-7-3-3-9.

Uh, 3-7-2-3-8-3-1.

- ALF. - Sorry. 5-6-9-2.

If you keep acting like this

Jody will move out.

But Jody wants to move out.

Well, this is all news to me.

ALF, Jody is a grown woman. She needs her independence.

Oh, that's easy for you to say.

You know nothing of the plight of blind people.

- And you do. - Yes!

The other day, I locked myself in the closet.

Being blind is very dusty and smells like boots.

Jody survived for years without us. She can do it again.

I think she wants to do it again.

Fine. Think what thou wilst.

Wilst?

Jody's my pal.

If she goes..

...I go.

[chuckles] What are you saying?

I'm saying if she goes, I go.

Not a lot of verbal clutter there.

Well, now you're just being ri-diculous, ALF.

Jody could never take care of you the way we have.

Take care of me?

Are you implying that I'm

some sort of house-bound dilettante?

No, no, no.. Well, yes.

For your information, I'll be taking care of her.

Jody needs me like a hole in the head.

Well, isn't that good on your planet?

Well, the apartment's available.

What a coincidence! So am I!

Hey, Lucky, I'll be gone for a while.

Gee, I've never seen a cat smile before.

[instrumental music]

[lips smacking]

[instrumental music]

Well, at least ALF took the time to leave us a note.

[clears throat] They say that breaking up is hard to do.

"Now I know, I know that it's true.

Don't say that this is the end.."

¶ Instead of breaking up I wish that we were making up again ¶¶

He didn't put as much effort into this as I thought.

[instrumental music]

This book doesn't have any words.

It's got zits!

Oh...must be one of those

connect-the-dot books.

Oh, great, a picture of spaghetti.

Hi, groceries.

I mean, hi, Jody.

Hi, ALF. Whatcha doin'?

Oh, I'm playing with one of your connect-the-dot books.

I drew the spaghetti. You could draw the meatballs.

Or the red wine.

Uh..

ALF, this is a Braille book.

You see, these dots, they represent letters.

You rub your fingers over them and you can read the book.

Uh, well, wouldn't that

rub all the fur off your fingers?

What?

Uh, well, if you had furry fingers.

[Jody laughing]

You know, you say some of the strangest things.

Oh, well, it's no big deal.

Uh, it doesn't mean that I'm weird or anything.

Uh, I'm just a regular, average being from your planet.

[laughing]

I know that.

But there is something I wanted to talk to you about.

Well, shoot.

Well, um..

[chuckles] You're a man and I'm a woman..

And..

Well, I hope you're not gonna try anything funny. Are you?

Oh, you mean like putting whipped cream in your shoes?

Well, I might.

[chuckles] You know, ALF, I really don't understand you.

You don't have a job. You never leave the house.

Well...I guess I better tell you the truth.

Oh, please.

I'm old.

I'm real old.

Older than the Gabor sisters.

Well...maybe not Zsa Zsa.

Oh...well, you're-you're very spry.

Well, that's 'cause I've cut my fat intake

down to 90% of my diet.

[Jody laughing]

That reminds me, I'd better go start dinner.

Oh, no, no, no. I'll handle dinner.

I'm supposed to take care of you.

Hello, Pizza Barge?

Yeah, send over a large pepperoni.

- ALF, we're on a budget. - Oh, right.

Uh, charge it to the Tanners.

We've imposed on the Tanners enough.

Again, you're right.

Charge it to Donald Trump.

Hello? Hello?

What? Vegetables again?

That's not food.

That's the stuff food eats.

It's what I eat.

What about real food?

Like the stuff you hit with your car in Texas?

Well, I'd like you to try my spinach lasagna.

And, uh, meanwhile, you can make yourself useful

by setting the table.

Hey, no problem. It's taken care of.

I'm here to make your life easier.

[glass shatters]

Uh..

...first, I'll sweep up that glass

that spontaneously exploded.

[instrumental music]

(Jody) 'ALF!'

'Why are there little hills in the hallway?'

They're speed bumps

so you don't go too fast.

Well, I tripped over one.

You must have been speeding.

ALF, what are you doing?

I'm making this house safe for the sightless.

Well, it was safe.

Now it's an obstacle course.

[chuckles] You know, we've really gotta

find a way to keep you occupied.

Well, I found one.

I'm putting curb feelers on your shoes.

ALF, I have never scraped my ankles

against a curb.

Pure luck.

ALF, when you, uh, first moved in here

you said you were only going to stay

until I was settled. I really think I'm settled.

No, no, no.

I'll tell you when you're settled.

Oh. Of course, you would know best.

Uh, listen, ALF, um..

...I left my keys in the bedroom.

Could you go get them for me, please?

Hey, no problem, my little Venetian blind.

[thud]

(ALF) 'Ow, you stupid speed bump!'

'You're for her, not me!'

Hello, Willie. Oh, it's Jody.

Yes.

Yes!

Yes. That's the problem exactly.

[instrumental music]

B.

E.

E.

T.

Hah hah!

This Braille stuff is easy.

ALF, I'm going down to the laundry room.

Okay. Just follow the rope.

[clanking]

Ow! Ow! Kate, Willie!

I hurt my finger!

What am I doing? They're not here.

I'll have to kiss it myself.

[lips smack]

It's not the same.

[doorbell rings]

Who is it?

(Kate) 'It's us, ALF!'

Kate!

And here I just kissed my own finger.

Come on in.

Hi, ALF.

Hey, guys.

What brings you to this independent, carefree

neck of the woods?

Oh, we-we just, we thought we'd drop by

and see how things were going.

Well, come on in. Get the full picture.

It looks great.

And...very..

...self-explanatory.

So what have you been doing with yourself?

Labeling vegetables.

Boy, I'd hate to be the guy who had to pound out

"War And Peace" in Braille.

ALF?

Jody called us.

Well, why would she do that?

Jody wants to live her own life, ALF.

She thinks it's time for you to come home.

Well, that doesn't sound like Jody.

Maybe it was another blind person

who got a wrong number.

Uh, I don't think so, ALF.

Oh.

Well...if that's the way Jody wants it.

I'm back, ALF.

Hey, Jody, don't take off your clothes.

We have company.

- ALF! - Hi, Jody, it's us.

- Hi, Jody. - Oh, hi.

It's-it's-it's the Tanners.

[laughing]

Hey, enough of the yakety-yak.

Kate and Willie, can you give us a minute alone?

Oh, sure, uh..

Where would you like us to yakety-yak?

- Um...in the bedroom. - Okay.

Just follow the signs.

And make yourself useful.

Label Jody's socks.

(Willie) 'Oh, careful, honey, speed bump.'

Jodster..

...I've been thinking.

It's time for me to go back to the Tanners.

Really?

Well, you knew from the beginning

that this was only a temporary arrangement.

I told you as soon as you were settled

I'd have to go.

Well, I'm settled.

- Well, I guess I'm going. - ALF.

Before you go..

...I wanna thank you.

I don't know how I could have gotten

through these past few weeks without you.

- Oh, hey. It was nothing. - Nothing?

Not everybody can label an egg.

Well, it's easier

when you hard-boil them.

Took me a couple of dozen to figure that out.

[Jody laughing]

Oh, um, before you go..

...I want you to have this.

Wow!

My very own Braille book!

And you drew in the meatballs for me.

[laughing]

Well, I wanna go show this to Kate and Willie.

Kate! Willie!

Pizza?

(ALF) 'Where? Where?'

[thud] Oh!

These speed bumps work great.

Kate! Willie! I hurt my knee!

Can you kiss it?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Lucky..

...I'm going to show you

what it's like to be plunged

into a world of darkness.

- ALF! - Oh, Kate, just in time!

The cat almost got my tongue.

Give me this cat!

Bad, Lucky! Bad!

Now I know how Wile E. Coyote feels.

¶ Georgia ¶

¶ Georgia ¶

¶ No peace I find ¶

¶ Just an old sweet song ¶

¶ Keeps Georgia on my mind ¶¶

Yeah.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[ALF laughing]