Original subtitles

- Does it work? - I've got the dial tone.

Great. I'll toss the box.

Why don't you toss it in the salad, Kate?

I could use the fibre. Ha ha.

ALF, hold still.

I wanna get it even.

Well, don't cut it too short.

It'll look like I have a big schnoz.

I didn't realize you were so concerned with your appearance.

You think I wake up looking this good?

[doorbell dings]

Doorbell.

Hide in the kitchen, ALF.

Ha! Beat you to it.

[clears throat]

Two dollars, ALF, pay up.

Two dollars?

I didn't even get my manicure.

Welcher.

[gasps] Willie! Kate!

Raquel. Jake.

We've been robbed!

Oh, my gosh.

That's terrible.

Hey, don't look at me, I've got an alibi.

That's right, Jake was in school.

Well, I wasn't there either

but I've got an alibi for that too.

That's it. No more TV for the rest of the week.

- What TV? - Oh, that's right!

They-they stole that too.

And then they took our silverware

and our VCR

and our original painting of dogs playing pool.

Oh.

It was a powerful piece.

And I feel even worse about your circular saw.

My saw was stolen?

Yes, and Trevor was going to return it tomorrow.

That's what makes it so funny.

Raquel, did you call the police?

We couldn't. They took our phones.

Well, I-I just happen to have one.

Incidentally, that is your phone, isn't it?

I have the receipt.

Just checkin'.

Thank you.

Yes. Hello?

This is Raquel Ochmonek.

169 Hemdale.

We've been robbed.

How soon can you send a black and white?

An hour and a half?

Our art collection could be back across the border by then.

Fine. Fine. We'll be here.

Oh, I feel so violated!

Oh, Raquel, I'm so sorry.

Now listen, if there's anything we can do to help..

Just protect yourselves.

Lock you doors and your windows.

You never know when somebody is gonna walk off

with your possessions. Goodnight.

Our phone.

I can get your phone back for, uh, three bucks.

But that's negotiable.

Did I miss anything? I was under the dryer.

[theme music]

[no audio]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[doorbell dings]

ALF, hide in the kitchen.

I'm going, I'm going.

Boy, if I had a nickel for every time someone said--

It's alright, ALF.

It's just Jake.

Hey, peewee, I didn't know you could reach the doorknob.

Watch it, I may be short but I'm wiry.

Hey, I brought your phone back.

That'll be five bucks.

I thought you said it was three.

I said it was negotiable, it can go up too, you know?

It can also go down..

...to nothing.

Nothing. Yeah, yeah, that-that was gonna be my next offer.

Yo, Jake-hammer, pull up a chair.

We're playing cards.

Great.

I'll make that five bucks one way or another.

I never wager more than I'm willing to lose.

I'll bet Willie's car.

I don't believe this.

I just got off the phone with Mrs. Litwak

they have been robbed too.

- Three robberies in a month. - Mm-hmm.

That's it, I'm taking action.

What are you gonna do?

I'm going to eat all your valuable food

before somebody steals it.

Is that how you dealt with crime on Melmac?

That's how we dealt with everything on Melmac.

[doorbell dings]

- ALF, doorbell. - Yeah.

Just call me Pavlov's alien.

Raquel. Trevor.

Guess what? The Litwaks were robbed.

- Oh, we heard. - From who?

Mrs. Litwak.

She's such a busybody.

Let's cut to the chase, huh, Raquel?

Now we're forming a neighborhood watch.

You guys wanna be part of it?

- A neighborhood watch.. - That's right.

Speaking of watches, Kate

I hope the one you lent me was insured.

Um, maybe we should join before we lose everything.

Great. The first meeting is tomorrow night at 8 o'clock.

We'll bring extra chairs, you provide the refreshments.

Well, where's the meeting?

Oh, here. Didn't we mention that?

I don't remember hearing it. Do you, Kate?

Maybe we were out of the room at the time.

Well, then, see you tomorrow night at 8 o'clock.

Oh, wait a minute, um..

...shouldn't the meeting be at your place

seeing that it's your idea and all.

Oh, please, Kate, I'm too upset

to take the plastic off the furniture.

We don't mind sitting on plastic.

Try doin' it naked.

Let's compromise.

Uh, we'll have the meeting at your place

and I'll bring the refreshments.

Alright, but nothing fancy.

A few finger sandwiches..

...maybe a homemade coffee cake.

Preferably decaf.

Yeah, and I'll come over here and look after

your teenage daughter, your son

and AL.. That-that, uh, hairy thing.

(Raquel) 'What hairy thing?'

- Cat. - Yeah.

I, uh, momentarily forgot the name for it.

He's from New York.

Well, see you tomorrow.

Oh, don't forget those finger sandwiches, huh?

Finger sandwiches?

And you won't let me eat cats.

'I'm Officer Griswald'

and I'll try to remember each of your names.

And if you neighbors will all work together

we can stop crime.

'Remember the neighborhood watch motto.'

Don't let 'em knock your block off.

[laughing]

I don't get it.

It's just a joke, Mrs. Byrd

you know, uh, knock, block.

That's just stupid.

Yikes.

So, do any of you know what citizen patrols are?

- I do. - 'Mm-hmm.'

Teacher's pet.

It's just neighbors

taking turns walking the streets.

That's right, now how many of you

would be interested in doing that?

Hyah-ha.

Hey, ALF, what's goin' on now?

Well, the cop just asked for streetwalkers

and Kate raised her hand.

Hey, I just call 'em as I see 'em.

- Gin. - Not again.

Hey, do you wanna go double or nothin' for a trip to paradise?

Either way I lose.

Can you knock off the double entendres?

You're steaming up the windows!

Officer Griswald, how often would you say the perpetrators

return to the scene of the crime?

Well, I'd never say it, because I can't pronounce it!

[laughing]

But I know what you mean! It does happen!

And if the crooks missed something of value

the first time, they might come back for it!

That does it! I'm putting my six-pack of Billy Beer

in a safe deposit box!

You're an idiot.

Who do you think you're talking to?

(Brian) 'Now what are they doing?'

Mrs. Byrd's trying to hit on Trevor!

- Let's just settle down here! - Well, she started it!

Now Trevor's trying to hit Mrs. Byrd!

Now, it would be helpful if the people who are out on patrol

could report back to a central base station!

So does anybody have any radio equipment?

A shortwave citizen band, that sort of thing?

Willie has a CB radio in his garage!

Your garage would probably make a good headquarters!

Would you be interested in being the block captain?

No, not really!

Ah, he's just holding out for a captain's hat!

I nominate Willie Tanner for block captain

and I move that we buy him a hat.

- Second. - All in favor?

(together) Aye.

Settled. Let's hit the bricks and nail this scum.

Do we get to carry clubs?

[instrumental music]

- CB equipment? - Operational.

- Walkie talkies? - Operational.

Cordless phone on separate line?

Operational.

- Stupid-looking hat? - Op..

That's unnecessary, ALF, really unnecessary.

Well, I'm upset, Willie.

Give me one reason why I can't be

part of this neighborhood watch.

Because you don't put responsibility

into irresponsible hands.

That's not a reason.

That's a platitude.

Because I said so.

Well, that's dogma.

It's worse than dogma.

It's...dogma-nure.

The answer is no, ALF.

Oh, but I'm the perfect choice for this job.

I've got a great voice.

Yes, and people are gonna wanna know whose voice that is.

It'll be your voice, Willie.

I'm a whiz with sound equipment.

A little less bass, a little more treble

a smidgen of static.

I'll sound just like you.

All I need now is a hesitation coach.

I don't...think..

Hello? Hello. Mrs. Byrd, Trevor?

Are you out there? This is the Sentinel.

The Sentinel?

Yes, the Sentinel.

Boy, that hat's gone to your head.

Trevor, what's the situation out there?

(Trevor over radio) 'We're just standin' here in front of Byrd's house'

'seein' if this walkie talkie works.'

(Mrs. Byrd over radio) 'Get out of my trash can, Trevor.'

(Trevor) 'Hey, I'm just lookin' for'

'some of my stolen stuff here.'

(Mrs. Byrd) 'Oh, are you insinuating'

'that I robbed your house?'

(Trevor) 'Well, this looks like my pizza crust.'

(Mrs. Byrd) 'I want a new partner.'

Could you hold that thought?

I'll be back in one minute.

Willie, you can't run this operation 24 hours a day.

You're gonna need relief and that's spelled A-L-F.

N-O.

Oh, one shot, Willie. That's all I ask.

I see you as a fair man..

...with a stupid-looking hat.

Alright, you want a chance, you've got it.

You've got your chance, go ahead.

Try! Try and make these two work as a team.

Alright, alright. Give me room, alright?

I'll show you how Captain Kirk would have handled it.

- Can I wear the hat? - You have to earn this hat.

Okay.

Alright, Ochmonek, Byrd, this is the Sentinel.

Now, I want you two to knock it off.

You're supposed to be fighting crime, not each other.

(Trevor) 'Hey, that doesn't sound like you, Tanner.'

You see? I told you.

(Mrs. Byrd) 'Yes, you sound so much more forceful.'

See? I told you.

Now, I want to see some teamwork out there!

You know, like Bartles and Jaymes.

Okay, shake hands.

(Mrs. Byrd) 'Shake hands? He's been digging in my trash.'

Well, then, salute each other.

(Trevor) 'Alright, alright, we're saluting.'

Okay, at ease.

Well?

It looks stupid on you too.

[instrumental music]

Oh, Willie, will you tell Alf that dinner is ready?

He doesn't want any dinner!

Alf is turning down a meal?

Quick, call Geraldo Rivera!

He's too busy being The Sentinel!

[chuckles] He calls himself The Sentinel?

Yeah! Silly, isn't it?

Alf is really getting into this neighborhood-watch thing.

Oh, tell me about it.

During yesterday's inspection he told me that we didn't have

adequate exterior lighting!

He said he was gonna have my bike impounded

if I didn't get it registered!

He wanted me to go to the pet shop to price pit bulls.

What did he tell you, dad?

Oh, he told me to go back to my family

and leave the crime fighting to the professionals!

You know, maybe what we're seeing here is the dawning

of a new Alf. More responsible, more mature.

(all) No.

This is the Sentinel calling Citizen Ochmonek!

Are you at your post? Over!

(Trevor) 'I'm in the can, Tanner! I'll be out there at 7:00!'

From now on please address me as The Sentinel.

And you forgot to say, "Over!" Over!

(Trevor) 'Give me a break, huh?'

How would you like to walk the graveyard shift? Over!

(Trevor) 'Okay. Okay. Over.'

[toilet flushes]

And don't forget to wash your hands!

[instrumental music]

This is the Sentinel calling Citizen Byrd.

(Mrs. Byrd) 'Yeah, I'm here. What is it this time?'

Suspicious looking character.

Vicinity of 164 Hemdale.

(Mrs. Byrd) 'I don't see anyone.'

Well, she's wearing a tacky fur coat

and talking into her hand.

(Mrs. Byrd) 'That's me, you dolt.'

Oh, sorry. Uh, outrageous coat, babe and I mean that.

Oh, hey, wait! Wait!

There's another suspicious character on the next block.

Check it out.

(Mrs. Byrd) 'Check it out yourself, and get off my back.'

Tell you what, why don't I check it out?

[telephone ringing]

Officer Griswald.

Yo, Grizzy, it's me the Sentinel.

Not again. Look..

Tanner, I know a crime is committed every five minutes

but they're not all in your neighborhood.

That's because I'm on the job.

What is it this time?

A man just came out of 202 Hemdale

carrying a large plastic bag.

Oh-oh, he's headed for the curb!

It's going down! It's going down!

Could this guy be taking out his trash?

Uh...could be.

Over and out.

[piano music]

¶ Give me a ticket for an aeroplane ¶

¶ Ain't got the time to make the first train ¶

¶ Lonely days are gone I'm going home ¶

¶ My baby she wrote me a letter.. ¶¶

[doorbell dings]

[chuckles] I'll get it.

Hi. Dad, it's the Ochmoneks.

And Jake.

Hi, tall, teenage, and tantalizin'.

Gag me with a shovel.

Whatever turns you on.

- Any requests? - Yeah.

Go jump in the lake and take your CB with ya.

What?

Everyone thinks that you're taking

this neighborhood watch thing far too seriously.

Have I, as the Sentinel

done something that's offended you?

Let us just say we don't want to be involved anymore.

We're turning in our code names.

Cross The Phantom and Lolita off your list.

The Litwaks and Mrs. Byrd are droppin' out too.

I guess I got a little carried away, huh?

You called me horsemeat.

I-I'm sure I didn't say..

...horsemeat.

I'm sure that I said something nice

that just sounded like horsemeat.

At any rate, don't try to contact us.

We're on our way outta town.

We're going to Tijuana to do some shopping.

We have a whole house to refurnish.

Come on, Jake.

Can't I stay with the Tanners?

I'm allergic to kitsch.

Go.

Enjoy.

Drink the water.

Adios.

I told you, you can't stay here

unless Willie invites you to stay, of his own free will..

...without being pushed into it.

Of course, Jake is more than welcome to stay.

Well, alright then. See you manana.

Hasta luego.

- Come on, Trevor. - Right behind you, Phantom.

If you two will excuse me

there's a little matter I have to discuss with ALF.

Oh, take your time, sir. We'll be fine.

Oh, uh, could you dim the lights on your way out?

No problem.

This is your captain speaking.

Come in, Ochmonek.

Litwak?

Byrd?

Rambo, Bigfoot, horsemeat?

Anybody.

Maybe there was a nuclear war and I'm the only one left.

Hello! Oh, hey, Willie.

Did you see any mushroom clouds out there?

Ochmonek! Come in, Ochmonek!

I know you're.. I know you're out there!

Ochmonek!

You are through being block captain forever.

Forever!

Let me see if I can read between the lines here.

You're fired.

No, that's not what you're getting at.

That is exactly what I'm getting at.

You're finished.

Not only have you-you humiliated me

in front of my neighbors

but you've ruined what could've been

an excellent crime-prevention program.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah? Yeah?

Well, you're near-sighted.

Hah!

I'm fired?

[dramatic music]

[telephone ringing]

Hello!

Um, I don't suppose you'd be interested

in some suspicious movement in the shrubbery next door.

[dings]

Evidently not.

[telephone ringing]

Griswald.

Hey, guess who, Grismeister?

Tanner?

Um, I don't suppose you'd be interested

in some suspicious movement in the shrubbery next door.

It's a trend.

[dramatic music]

Well, ALFer, it's up to you.

An alien's got to do what an alien's got to do.

When the going gets tough..

...the tough get going.

Many are called..

...but few are chosen.

And you can't get anything done

when you stand around talking to yourself in cliches.

This guy's gonna be rice pudding.

Yeah.

Oh! What am I doing?

I'm a cop.

We're cops.

Aren't we?

We gotta check it out.

Don't we?

Come on, let's go.

[dramatic music]

Freeze!

Don't you know what freeze means?

[siren wailing]

Well, it's about time.

(Griswald over PA) 'You, in the house..'

'...come out with your hands up.'

Mommy!

[instrumental music]

[ALF laughing]