Original subtitles

Wow!

Oh, football! Can I watch too?

Oh, ALF, last time we watched football together

you belched all through the whole game.

Hey! That's how we applaud on Melmac.

Hey, good catch.

[burps]

No more applause please.

Alright, I'll just clap.

No.

Hey, dad, want to play football?

Oh! Yeah. Sure. Why not? It's almost half-time anyway.

Can I play too?

Oh, sure. Come on. Kate, we'll all play.

I'll pass.

No, I wanna pass.

I mean I don't wanna play.

Why, 'cause I won't let you pass?

Come on, ALF.

[burps]

I said no applause.

That wasn't applause, that was root beer.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

That was quick. What happened to your football game?

The game was called on account of ALF.

Yeah, first, he sat on the sidelines

spat into his helmet.

Then he said we weren't playing right.

Yeah, he sent Brian off on a very complicated pass pattern

and he told him to slant left, button hook.

Hop up and down, put on a disguise

- Dig a hole. - Dig a hole, right.

Stay in it until Groundhog's Day.

Then do the hokey pokey and turn myself around.

Yeah, turn yourself around, uh-huh.

That would fake out the other team.

So we're going to watch the game on TV.

Think we'll get a better workout that way.

(ALF) 'Post pattern, Willie.'

- No, no. No! - 'Heads up!'

Ahem. What happened? Did we score?

No, it was intercepted by my dinnerware.

What do you expect, when you leave plates in the end zone?

Keep this outside!

Hey, hey, watch it! You'll break the grass.

[instrumental music]

Mmm. Great meal, mom, what's for dessert?

You can't have dessert

till all the other food's been served.

All the other food has been served.

That's it? One measly ham?

Why did I work up an appetite playing football?

Who were you playing football with?

- He played by himself. - And I won.

In overtime.

You didn't trample my flower garden, did you?

Don't worry, I tip-toed through your tulips.

- Let's see your feet. - Hmm?

Feet!

You tip-toed through my tulips, but you demolished my daisies.

Well, don't worry. I high-tailed it past your hyacinths.

Your turn.

- I'll get it. - I'll get it.

- Thank you, Lynn. - Now, where were we, ALF?

Well, If I remember correctly

you were about to give me a foot massage.

- Oh, hi, Mrs. Ochmonek. - Hello, Lynn.

I would like speak with your mother and father.

Sure. Mom, dad.

Oh, is that our football?

Well, it's definitely not mine.

Hi, Raquel.

Raquel, is something the matter?

Do you know how this football, got into our backyard?

Uh, not exactly.

Uh, Brian was playing with it.

He probably kicked it over the fence.

- Well, it broke our window. - Oh!

I'm so sorry, I'll.. I'll pay for it, of course--

Our very large picture window.

I'll get your checkbook.

Oh, no, that's alright. Raquel, just send us the bill.

Fine, but please speak to Brian.

Criminal behavior should be nipped in the bud.

Criminal behavior?

Breaking windows today could lead to robbing banks tomorrow.

Brian, a bank robber?

Al Capone was a good boy

until he broke my grandfather's window.

Of course he pushed my grandfather through it.

But the result was the same.

[sighs]

- ALF! - 'Yes!'

- Come here. - 'No problem.'

Kate, I'm sorry about your flowers.

Please accept these along with my apologies.

They smell like feet.

I washed them in Desenex.

ALF, where is our football?

Behind your back.

Raquel said it broke her window.

Well, that's ridiculous! Footballs don't break windows.

- People do. - What about aliens?

Me? I broke nothing I swear.

You broke those plates when you threw the football

through my kitchen window.

Oh, like that's relevant.

ALF, how did this football get into the Ochmoneks' backyard?

Well, I have a theory.

Please share it.

Alright. See, I was standing near the fence.

I kicked the football, it went up

but it never came back down.

So what's your theory?

Well, isn't it obvious? Gravity failure.

The football came down in the Ochmoneks' backyard

and then it broke their window.

Well, I find that hard to believe.

See, if there's one sound I recognize, it's glass breaking.

Also China breaking

ceramics breaking, appliances breaking.

I think my point is made.

Dad, we can't really be sure that ALF broke the window.

Thank you, Lynn.

Maybe Lynn broke it.

I didn't, but there could be other explanations.

Well, yeah. There could be lots of explanations.

Like what?

Explanation one.

The Ochmoneks invited Ella Fitzgerald over for tea.

Ella hits a high C, whammo, there goes the window!

Explanation two, Dough Henning comes over.

He accidentally levitates Trevor through--

Stop this, stop this!

But I have 18 more.

Although the last few are a little far-fetched.

Explanation three, what happened--

- What did ALF do this time? - Nothing.

Somebody broke the Ochmoneks' window

and we're trying to figure out who it was.

Say, it wasn't you, was it Brian?

No.

Brian dear, this is very important--

Hey, if the kid said he didn't do it, he didn't do it.

- Stop with the third degree. - Fine.

If he didn't do it, that makes you the prime suspect.

Brian dear, this is very important.

- Did you break the window? - No.

Huh! Who could it have been?

It could have been..

...you.

Or Ella, don't count her out.

Alright, that's it. You're not watching TV for one month.

Why, what did I do?

You can't punish me without a just cause.

- I demand a trial. - There's no need for a trial.

Forget the trial.

So you do think I'm guilty.

You're punishing an innocent alien.

Dad, maybe ALF should get a trial.

I mean, we don't know for sure that he did it.

Yeah, dad, my teacher said

everyone's innocent until proven guilty.

And he does look sincere.

He looks like he's trying for an Oscar.

Okay, fine. ALF gets his trial. I'll be the judge.

Oh, no offense, Willie, but I prefer a fair trial.

What you trust mom to be the judge?

Without hesitation.

I'm not gonna be the judge, and there's not gonna be a trial.

Look, I know my rights. I want my day in court and that's that!

If I'm found guilty, I'll take the month with no TV.

Okay.

Okay, fine. Present your case.

Now? I need time to prepare.

Listen, mister, you are the one who asked for a trial.

But I need subpoenas, and affidavits, and a secretary

who could spell those things.

Okay, we'll have a trial

tomorrow morning after breakfast.

Fine, whatever you say, Your Honor.

I respect your judgment and I'm not just saying that.

- Stop kissing up. - I'm not kissing up.

I'm innocent. Why should I have to kiss up?

By the way, I love what you've done with your hair.

- Stop it. - I'm stopped.

It's stopped. You're right.

You're brilliant. She's brilliant.

She's really is. She's brilliant.

No more kissing up. Not if she doesn't want me to kiss up.

I wouldn't kiss up to the judge. Nuh-uh. No, no.

[instrumental music]

Hear ye, hear ye! Court is now in session.

Honorable Judge Mom presiding.

Thank you, Brian, that was very good.

- Where's ALF? - Here he comes.

F. Lee Shumway.

In my best suit.

Hey, you're gonna lose more than your suit

when this case is over.

Sorry I'm late, Your Honor.

My client had to visit the bathroom.

Did you have to go now?

Yes, or I would have done something

to make the court hold me in contempt.

- Could we start now, honey? - Objection!

There can be no justice if I call you Your Honor

but the prosecution calls you honey.

It doesn't matter, ALF.

Perhaps a compromise.

We'll call you Your Honey.

Uh, let me add that your dress is a perfect choice.

Authoritative, yet feminine.

It's ridiculous!

Let the record show that Willie hates your dress.

Willie gave me this dress.

Oh, bribing the judge, huh?

Willie, uh, I guess you have, what, an opening statement?

[clears throat] That won't take long.

Simply put, ALF broke the window.

Oh, great speech, counselor. I'm a goner.

Ha, ha, ha!

ALF, I presume that you have an opening statement.

A brief comment.

Since the dawn of time, the innocent

have been unjustly accused.

Adam and Eve were evicted from the Garden of Eden

on a trumped-up charge of eating an apple.

But Adam and Eve were guilty.

- Says who? - Says God.

Moving on.

We come to the case of Cain versus Abel.

Is this gonna be a trip through recorded history?

Your Honor, the importance of this case demands

that every President be made of--

Because if so, we're gonna have to forget about lunch.

Then to sum it up, ALF did not break the window.

Let's eat.

I think we'd better finish with the trial first.

Willie, present your evidence.

The case is simple, Your Honor

what we have here is a broken window

and we have a defendant with a long, long history

of reckless behavior.

Starting with the day he crashed his spaceship into our garage.

Name 12 more.

To name, just 12 more..

He set a fire in the camper, he chopped up our Christmas tree

he wrecked the toaster, he ripped that painting

'he dug up the backyard, he stole a car'

he buried my piano.

I think that's the thing that hurt me the most.

He got me arrested, he used our credit cards

excessively and illegally, he short-circuited the television

he terrorized the cat, and he blew up the kitchen.

So it's not hard to imagine that such a person would, could

and in fact did kick a football through the Ochmoneks' window.

Brilliant!

Did I do all that?

I'm afraid so. We went over the list last night.

Where?

In bed.

Objection! I'm up all night with law books

while you're in bed with that ambulance chaser.

You are out of order.

I withdraw the slur on my profession.

I'd like to ask the defendant a couple of questions, if I may.

My client has nothing to hide.

(Willie) Thank you.

As regards this broken window, do you have an alibi?

No.

By your own admission, you kicked

that football into the Ochmoneks' backyard?

By my own admission, I never heard anything break.

If a window breaks in the woods, and there's no one to hear it..

...is it really broken?

If you were in the woods, uh, yeah.

Do you still claim that Ella Fitzgerald broke that window?

That's entirely possible.

- It is not possible. - It is possible!

It is not possible because Ella Fitzgerald

on the day in question was out of town

I've checked that out.

Yeah? Would you know where Beverly Sills was?

I have no further questions.

That's it? That's your whole case?

You're a disgrace to the legal profession.

Yeah, well, you don't know your habeas from your corpus.

Don't drag this into the gutter.

I call to the stand..

What's wrong?

You ruined my dramatic pause.

I was about to name a surprise witness.

Sorry.

I call to the stand..

...Lynn Tanner.

- Me? - Surprise!

How long have you known the defendant?

I have known you..

I mean the defendant about a year.

Would you say that the defendant has any saintly qualities?

Well, he resembles a Saint Bernard.

Quiet, shyster.

Do you think that the defendant broke the window?

- I guess not. - Thanks, you're out of here.

Next witness, I'd like to call..

But let me check something first.

Brian, come here.

Do you think I broke the window?

I don't know.

Well, think about it.

I call Brian Tanner to the stand.

He gave him a bribe!

I prefer to think of it as an early birthday present.

Thanks, ALF.

Are there any other witnesses?

Yes, Your Honor.

I'd like to call myself to the stand.

- Oh, brother! - No, no, no. It's alright.

- ALF, go ahead. - Thank you.

Did you break the window?

No.

But you don't even know what window we're talking about.

Well, I assume that you, you meant the Ochmoneks' window.

Oh, just like we're supposed to assume your innocence!

- Well, I-- - What are you doing?

I'm just trying to spice up the proceedings.

I don't wanna hear anymore.

Case dismissed then.

- Objection. - Sustained.

Figures. I want this case thrown out of court.

Why?

Because I'm losing.

Summaries?

- ALF did it. - No, I didn't.

Okay, I'll decide on my verdict.

Take your time, Your Honor.

Assess and reassess the evidence before you.

I don't care if it takes days

weeks, months, to reach a verdict.

Just as long as justice is served

and I'm found not guilty.

I'm done.

Already?

Well, is it a good verdict or a bad verdict?

Bad.

Bad for me or bad for him?

Bad for you.

Then don't tell me what it is.

And please, I'd like you to accept this

lovely expensive parting gift.

No, thank you.

As agreed, I sentence you to 30 days with no TV.

Alright, alright. I've changed my mind.

I don't want a trial.

[instrumental music]

Well, 9 o'clock. Time for "Golden Girls."

So, Blanche, who are you gonna sleep with tonight?

Everybody.

Ha, ha, ha!

What are you doing?

Watching "Golden Girls." What does it look like?

Say, hello, Sophia.

Not now. I have to go to the bathroom

before I lose my seat. Ha, ha!

- ALF. - You're right.

They do the same jokes every week.

Hit the music, will ya?

I'm gonna watch "Dance Fever."

[instrumental music on stereo]

Yeah! Go, Feverettes!

ALF, I think you're losing it.

Then stick me in a state hospital.

One with a big screen TV.

I'm sorry. But you're the one who wanted a trial.

Yeah, I also thought justice would triumph.

But I was wrong.

I'm being punished for a crime I didn't commit.

You really didn't do it, did you?

No.

You believe me, don't you, Lynn?

Of course I do.

Thanks. I just wish I had a better lawyer.

Oh, ALF, I think, you did fine. You handled yourself very well.

Would you let me represent you?

Without hesitation.

[doorbell dings]

- Oh, hi, Trevor. - How ya doin', Willie?

What can we do for you?

Well, actually, I came to see Brian.

You came to see me? What about?

About the window.

I'm sorry you got blamed for something I did.

You broke the window?

Yeah.

You see, I found your football in my backyard

and I started to relive my glory days as a quarterback.

I played for seven years in high school.

You must have been very good.

- Uh, at sports. - Oh, yeah.

Anyway, I tried to complete a pass

between the birdbath and the sundial.

But it bounced off the porcelain gnome and broke the window.

Well, why didn't you just tell Raquel?

I wanted to protect her image of me.

She still thinks of me as her football hero.

- So you told her Brian did it? - Oh, no.

I didn't find out till this morning she blamed him.

And then when I saw "I'm innocent" spray painted

on your bathroom window I figured I'd better fess up.

I'm sorry, little guy.

It's okay, big guy.

Oh, by the way, Brian, there's only one 'S' in innocent.

Thanks.

Well..

...case dismissed.

- What? - Uh..

Nothing.

I hope I didn't cause too much trouble.

Oh, that's okay, Trevor, it's over now.

Actually, it's kind of sweet that you still care so much

what Raquel thinks.

And I guess we're just a couple of romantics.

Sometimes I put on my old letter sweater

Raquel wears her cheerleader outfit, and we tap a keg.

Just like the old days.

Raquel was a cheerleader?

Still has the same figure she had in high school.

No kidding.

Of course she works at it.

- Bye, I'll see you, Willie. - Well, thanks.

Trevor, thanks for clearing all that up.

Oh, I had to.

Once I found that Raquel wanted you to pay this bill.

The least I could do is go halfsies.

Eh, it's on me.

Well, Willie, as my last official act as judge

I suggest we apologize to ALF.

Yeah, I better. I'd better do it.

After all, I was the prosecutor.

[chuckles]

[glass shattering]

Hear ye, hear ye, court is now in session.

[laughing]

Yeah, yeah!

Oh, don't be fool. You're not the father.

Buy a vowel.

- What are you doing? - I'm watching TVs.

Turn two of those off. You're wasting electricity.

Hey, Willie, you owe me.

You made me feel like a common criminal.

You've scarred me for life

and now you want to take away my TVs?

At long last, "Will-De-Beast."

Have you no sense of decency?

ALF, how long are you gonna push this guilt trip on me?

I was thinking till after Christmas.

Think again.

Hey, Willie, while you're in there

could you check on my three TV dinners?

Ha, ha, ha! Oh, yeah!

[theme music]