Original subtitles

[music on TV]

What are you watching?

I'm watching you spill popcorn all over the floor.

Oh, yeah. Careful where you step.

Oh, "Casablanca!"

Yeah. Great film.

I've seen it so many times.

Well, then you won't mind if I change the channel.

ALF!

Willie, it's Godzilla week on Channel 6.

Stop the presses!

They're showing "Godzilla Vs. The Thing"

"Godzilla Vs. King Kong"

and "Godzilla Vs. The Smog Monster."

Guess which one this is?

I'm not guessing.

I'll give you a hint.

[coughing]

"Godzilla Vs. The Smog Monster?"

[imitates a buzzer] Wrong!

Wrong?

Why were you coughing?

Popcorn stuck in my throat.

Uh, ALF, I don't think you should watch this movie.

You know how they always give you nightmares.

Correction! Used to give me nightmares!

I've matured since "The Blob" festival.

[roaring]

[screams]

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Oh, you look nice.

Oh, thanks.

You know, I don't feel right

about going to see this play by myself.

Well, would you feel better if I went with you

and ALF destroyed the house while we were gone?

You're right, it's nice to know that when I come home

there'll be a home..

...to come home to.

Well, it won't last forever.

He's just always more destructive

during hockey season.

[shattering]

I'm gonna tell him that we're going out separately

and it's just because of him

and that he's got to learn to behave himself.

No, don't do that.

Whenever he tries to behave himself

he gets nervous, he breaks even more things.

[clanking]

How many more things can there be?

Say, what was all that noise?

I don't know.

As my old Grandpa Satchel used to say

"Don't look back.

Something might be broken."

Well, in this case, it's my casserole dish

and the cookie jar.

Hey, Willie, where are you going?

Well, I'm gonna go see a musical.

Musicals are dumb!

Out of the blue people burst into song.

Hence, the term musical.

Yeah, but wouldn't it get on your nerves

if all of a sudden I started singing

¶ Hey Kate ¶

¶ Ain't it great ¶

¶ Hey Willie ¶

¶ You look silly Hey-- ¶¶

It's getting on my nerves!

See what I mean?

What's this stinker called?

"Cats."

Take me, please!

Afterwards, we'll go backstage

and eat the actors.

Well, they're not real cats

they're actors dressed up to look like cats.

Well, pwah! I'll pass.

How come you're not going with your mate, Kate?

Well, um..

...actually, um, ahem, do you remember a while back

we, we left you alone, and you, ahem, blew up the kitchen?

Oh, yeah.

I get nervous just thinking about it.

[glass rattling]

Uh, well, uh, I'm not going

because I-I don't feel well.

I have a fever. A slight fever.

Oh, well, let me press my lips

against your forehead.

No!

You don't sound that sick.

Is there something wrong between you two?

Of course not.

You wouldn't lie to the old ALFer?

Well, no.

Because I always tell the truth.

Example, your socks are limp.

- Goodbye, Willie. - Bye.

- Have a good time. - Bye.

And those glasses make you look owlish.

Goodbye, ALF.

Did I mention he has a funny walk?

[instrumental music]

¶ Da-da da da da da-a-a ¶¶

Alright, let's go for three.

Come on, Bri, time for bed.

But ALF's teaching me how to juggle.

New rule, no juggling with glasses.

Oh, great.

First, no juggling with plates.

Now, no juggling with glasses.

What's next? Lucky?

No juggling with the cat.

Darn.

There go my plans for

"Circus Of The Strays."

Come on, Bri.

- Night, ALF. - Night, B.

- Hi. - Oh, hi, honey.

- How was your date? - It was fun!

Okay, I want to hear all about it after I put Bri to bed.

- Okay. - I wanna hear all about it too.

Bri.

I thought you hated that smushy stuff.

I like it better than going to bed.

Cute repartee, huh?

Adorable.

So, did you ask Lizard to marry you?

No, why would I do that?

Well, don't you want to be Mrs. Lynn Lizard?

Living in a nice little cottage with a white picket fence?

I hadn't thought about it.

Well, think about it.

I'm gonna need a place to crash when your parents get a divorce.

My parents aren't getting divorced.

Don't be so sure.

I'm a student of the breakup of the nuclear family.

No, you're not.

Alright.

I'm a student of the breakup

of a planet by nuclear boo-boo.

But I do know when a romance is dying.

ALF, my parents' romance isn't dying.

Then why are they always doing things separately?

It can't be because of me.

Perish the thought.

Well, look, we can't take a chance that something's wrong.

We must take action.

Must we?

Trust me on this one.

I've been wrong so many times before.

[instrumental music]

Mom and dad wanna know if they can come out now.

Yeah, just as soon as I spit-shine these plates.

[expectorates] That won't be necessary.

Fine, let 'em eat off dirty dishes.

You can come out now!

Wait, wait, wait! Cover your eyes first!

Oh, is that really necessary?

(ALF) 'Humor me.'

Willie, no fair peeking!

(Willie) Ow!

I guess you weren't peeking.

Okay, open.

ALF!

What is the occasion?

Well, on Melmac, it's National Rag-On-The-Martians Day

but here, it's just Kate-And-Willie Day.

'Now, come on, sit down, you two.'

Enjoy. Lunch.

- Well, thank you! - Thank you, ALF.

I was going to prepare a lovely chateaubriand

but I have no idea what that is.

So you're getting hamburgers.

- And champagne. - Yeah.

It's dry and fruity

with just a hint of wackiness.

I even dropped in a worm for that

south-of-the-border flavor.

Uh, no, I'll, uh, I'll pass.

Alright, I'll give it to Lucky.

He loves this imported stuff.

No, no, ALF, give that to me.

Listen, I want to know..

...why you did all this.

Well, I merely wanted you two

to have a nice candlelight dinner at home.

The two of you.

Willie and Kate, Kate and Willie

husband and wife, man and woman

circle with an arrow pointing up

circle with a little cross pointing down.

That's enough, ALF.

- Well, well, see you later. - Thank you.

You know what they say?

"Two's company, three is a crowd."

Four is, uh, two companies.

Five is a crowd and a company.

Six. Six could either be three companies or two crowds.

I'll have my burger medium.

Medium? They're all the same size.

Extra large.

What do you think he's up to?

I don't know.

But until we find out

we might just as well enjoy it.

He has created a nice atmosphere.

Yeah, you know, I feel underdressed

in my own living room.

Gangway, coming through

soup and salad!

In one pot.

How convenient.

Hey, less dishes for you to wash, Kate.

I wanted this night to be perfect.

Now you two lovebirds

talk amongst yourselves.

He's odd.

E-even for an alien.

You know, I think I just figured out

why he's doing all this.

He thinks we're having marital problems.

Wh-why would you say that?

I don't know, the-the dinner

the way he's trying to get us to be roman..

Maybe he overheard us arguing last night.

That wasn't an argument.

That was a difference of opinion.

I just don't happen to think that Lynn

is old enough to go on a ski trip.

She's 17, that's not too young.

Let's not, let's not start again.

It was settled last night.

Actually, nothing was settled. You fell asleep.

Before I fell asleep

I remember, you said you agreed with me.

(Kate) 'Willie, I was going on trips like this'

when I was younger than Lynn.

I wouldn't have approved of that either.

Well, I'm surprised you let me go on our honeymoon.

Oh, that's just ludicrous.

(Kate) 'Ludicrous?'

What's going on?

Willie, I think that it's time

for you to step into the '80s.

Could we continue this argument in private?

- Oh, argument, argument. - Please?

I thought that this was a difference of opinion!

- 'I was wrong.' - Well.

That's not the only thing you were wrong about.

- 'Says who?' - 'You are so unreasonable.'

Told you this marriage is on the rocks.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

No, Julie, he hasn't called yet.

Well, how can he call when you keep

calling to see if he called?

Quick! Quick! Hang up! Hang up!

Dial 9-1-1!

Nine, uno, uno!

I-I gotta go! I'll talk to you later, bye!

Hurry up!

Wait a minute, I don't smell smoke.

Where is it written that all my emergencies

have to involve fire?

Sorry.

It's Willie and Kate.

They've been fighting all night!

Were you listening outside their door again?

Inside their door.

Under their bed.

Anyway, I distinctly heard someone say

"Get off it! It isn't ALF's fault."

That was probably mom.

Well, actually, it was me.

Then they walked out on each other, Lynn.

I'm an orphan!

I don't want to be an orphan. I saw "Annie."

Orphans have to eat gruel

and tap dance with mops.

Listen to me.

Mom and dad haven't abandoned us.

They're having a little fight, that's all.

I just hope mom wins, so I can go on that ski trip.

They won't settle anything without our help.

Our help?

Please, Lynn?

This is the only family that I've got.

This is the only family I've got.

Really? Well, no wonder you're always hanging around.

Now, let's see.

How would we solve this problem on Melmac?

Let me guess.

You'd play tug-of-war with a cat.

No.

That only takes your mind off your troubles.

It never solves anything.

Well, wait. I remember.

To get a couple back together

we'd recreate the happiest moment of their marriage.

I wonder what mom and dad's happiest moment was.

The day they met me?

Think again.

The day after they met me.

Keep thinking.

I can't! My brain hurts!

Ah-h-h.

Well, they're always talking about

how much they enjoyed their honeymoon.

Great! Yeah, yeah, that's it!

Let's recreate their honeymoon.

Where did they go?

Niagara Falls.

Oh, real original.

[instrumental music]

Well, what do you think?

You know, it does look a little like

the hotel where mom and dad stayed.

Quick, take your position.

ALF? ALF?

(ALF) 'Ring the bell, Willie.'

What's going on h..

You said this was an emergency!

(ALF) 'Ring the bell, Willie!'

- What bell? - 'Oh, sorry.'

'Ring the bell, Willie.'

[bell dings]

You rang?

What's the emergency?

Ring the bell, Kate.

Tell us what the emergency is!

It'll be self-explanatory. Voila!

[bell dinging]

May I take your bags?

What bags?

Right there.

What are those doing up here?

Don't ask me. I just work here.

[bell dinging]

You must be Mr. and Mrs. Tanner.

Welcome to Niagara Falls.

- Niagara Falls? - Yes.

See, ALF came up with a way for you two

to stop being mad at each other.

We're not mad at each other.

Too late. We're going through with this.

How do you do?

I am Fritz von Fingerhoff.

On behalf of my staff..

...welcome to the beautiful

Duke Of The Mist Hotel.

- Duke Of The Mist.. - Duke Of The Mist.

It's where we spent our honeymoon.

Who's Fritz von Fingerhoff?

Beats me. I just liked the name.

So, I-I gather this is supposed to be

kind of a second honeymoon then, right?

Wrong, a first honeymoon.

Now, imagine

it's July 11th, 1967.

The summer of love.

Outside is Niagara Falls.

Shh-shh-shh.

- I feel the spray. - Shh-shh..

Sorry.

Willie Tanner and Kate Halligan

have just been married.

Kate's mother Dorothy cries buckets and buckets

before, during, and after the ceremony.

How do you know so much about our wedding?

I showed him your wedding album.

Willie, never wear tails again.

- And, Kate-- - Careful!

You were a lovely bride.

Thank you.

Back to the wedding.

Willie's uncle Ned makes a scene

when he pops his suspenders doing the twist.

You remember that?

I remember the look on Aunt Agnes' face

when uncle Ned mooned the room.

Stretch, get them out of here.

Show them to their honeymoon suite.

- Stretch? - Yeah.

We couldn't get the real Stretch.

He tried going over the falls in a barrel in '72.

I emphasize the word "tried."

Right this way.

Oh, uh, thank you, Stretch.

Oh, wait. First, won't you please sign the register?

[chuckles] Oh, the..

The, uh..

[scoffs]

"Mr. & Mrs. Smith?"

Willie, that's the same joke you tried 20 years ago.

The desk clerk didn't laugh at it then either.

We checked it out.

Oh, uh, one more thing.

I trust you won't be stealing our towels and ashtrays.

We'd never do a thing like that!

[clears throat]

I found this in the basement.

Without further ado

I present the honeymoon sweet.

"Honeymoon sweet."

Wait a minute... isn't someone gonna

carry the bride over the threshold?

(Kate and Willie) Oh!

Okay, but if I get a hernia

you're looking at a lawsuit.

Come on, Kate.

ALF! ALF!

- No. - Go on, dad, pick her up.

Yeah, dad. Whisk her off her feet.

Oh, what the heck.

Oh, honey! Ah.

Alright, Willie, you Tarzan you!

What happened to our bedroom?

ALF redecorated it. Tacky, huh?

Very.

You, you can see why

we keep this furniture in the basement.

Well, I wanted to put you in the mood.

I've turned the bedroom

into an exact replica

of your honeymoon suite.

Where did you get this "Hotel" sign?

Well, remember that sign that you had

that said, "Happy Noel?"

I'll bet you didn't know I was a master glassblower.

I bet you didn't know I bought that sign

for Lynn for her first Christmas.

And I bet you didn't know

that I paid 200 dollars for it either.

Well, there's so much about each other

that we don't know.

May I put your bags down?

Certainly, my good man.

Why, thank you, Stretch!

Why, thank you.

Oh, someday I want to have a little boy

just like Stretch!

If I can be of further assistance

please don't hesitate to ask.

And a girl.

Like Consuela.

Oh, and if you make up your mind about the ski trip

please notify the front desk.

Well, we've done our part.

Now it's your turn.

[chuckles]

A nickel?

Don't expect clean sheets!

Well, this is kind of silly.

Yeah.

But, boy, this stuff

really brings back memories, doesn't it?

It sure does.

Oh, Willie, it seems like our honeymoon

was only yesterday.

Oh, you were so handsome.

I don't care what ALF says, I loved you in tails.

I'll tell you one thing that he got right.

- You sure were a lovely bride. - Aw.

You know something?

You know what I remember most about that day?

What?

How much I loved you.

- And I still do. - Oh, Willie.

I love you too.

Kate, I'm sorry about our fight.

No, it wasn't a fight.

It was a difference of opinion.

[both chuckling]

[instrumental music]

- What? - Oh, oh, uh..

No, I-I-I was just thinking.

Don't you remember what happened just..

...on our honeymoon just at that instant

we were starting our first kiss?

The water pipes burst.

Go ahead, Willie, give her a big smack!

Hit it, Brian!

No! No!

[Willie screaming]

You want some more tea, honey?

Oh, no. Thanks. But leave the pot.

I want to bask in it's warmth.

Question?

- Shoot. - No! Don't shoot!

I just want to ask you a question.

- Ask. - Are you mad at me?

You mean, because you, you soaked us with a hose.

Ruined our mattress, destroyed our wallpaper

and warped our floor?

Hey, don't forget, I shorted out that hotel sign.

How can we forget?

That's when the fire department hosed me down

for the second time.

So you are mad.

No, we're not.

Boy, what does it take?

The reason we're not mad at you

in spite of that hideous chain of events

is because you were trying

to do something wonderful for us

and I think you did, you helped us

put romance back in our lives'.

You mean I don't have to do anymore?

Oh, what else have you got planned?

Oh, nothing.

Let's think for a minute.

After the sturgeon in the tub..

Ah, we went to dinner at that darling little cafe.

We, oh, we went to dinner

the table collapsed, everything fell on the floor.

Yes!

Pure co-incidence.

[instrumental music]

Honey, I just don't feel good about leaving you like this.

Well, no, you go.

There's no use both of us staying home

just because I'm sick.

Uh, say hello, say hello to your mother for me.

Okay. Muah.

I'll be thinking about you.

[sneezes]

[sighs]

Where's she going?

Oh, she's going to her mother's.

Without you?

Oh, I get it.

Lynn's on her ski trip

and you don't trust me to be alone.

No, sure we do, ALF, but I'm sick.

I-I caught cold because somebody

hosed me down in my own bedroom.

Oh, baloney.

- ALF! - Come on!

Get up and go to your mother-in-law.

- No! - Yes!

Oh.

Alright.

Gee, Willie, you do look a little pale.

You might be coming down with something.

- You better lie down. - Oh, thanks.

That's a good idea.

- Let me tuck you in. - Okay.

- There you go. - Thanks, ALF.

You're a good friend.

Hey, anything for my Willie.

You want me to press my lips up against your forehead?

No.

[Willie gasps]

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]