Original subtitles

And, uh, with this remote control

you punch in your code numbers.

Then the people log goes on

and it records who's watching what.

You see, from this data

you know, we determine our ratings.

[glass breaking]

Cat.

[crashing]

Big cat.

[loud crash]

Dead cat.

Uh, yeah, well, um if you have any questions

uh, just call the office

and, uh, ask for Louie.

Oh, I-I thought your name was Ron.

It is.

Is he gone?

Yes, he..

What were you doing in there?

Looking for tomato paste.

I broke a tomato.

Hey, what's that?

A hook-up for the shopping network?

It's a, it's a people log.

We've been asked to become a Thompson family.

You're changing your name to Thompson?

I just learned how to spell "Tanner."

We're not changing our name.

ALF, this is a Thompson people log.

It measures what we watch on TV.

Great! Now I'll finally find out who's taller.

Me or Michael J. Fox.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Explain how television ratings work, will you, Willie?

Well, uh, ratings are designed primarily for advertisers

you know, in order to assist them in their own in-the-house

research, they require certain demogra--

Never mind!

Okay, now, every time we watch TV

we have to log in.

Now, does everybody know their code numbers?

- Three. - Two.

- Four. - One.

Wrong.

Twelve.

Wrong again.

Kate, if you make me guess every number there is

we could be here for hours.

ALF, that's not the point.

I think what Kate is trying to say--

I know what Kate is trying to say!

I'm an alien, not a foreigner.

Okay. I can't have a number.

Give me a letter.

N-O.

That's two letters.

Just try to understand, ALF.

The operative word in "People log" is "People."

One of which, you are..

...not...one.

That's cruel.

Not to mention poorly constructed

from a grammatical standpoint.

ALF, we just don't think that the ratings people

are interested in..

...viewers from outer space.

In other words, the operative word

in "Thompson family" is "Family."

One of which, I am not..

...part of...this one.

- You're one of the family, ALF. - Oh, sure.

Like Arnold Schwarzenegger is one of the Kennedys.

Why can't ALF have a number?

He watches TV all the time.

And the man did say that everyone

who watches should log in.

See? They're on my side.

You know, Willie, maybe ALF should have a number.

I mean, we do have a responsibility

to give them all the data as accurately as possible.

Yeah, and I love pushing these little silver buttons.

Alright, ALF, you're number five.

Just don't break that thing.

Kate, Katie, Kate o' nine tails

have I ever broken anything?

Well, lately?

This week?

Today?

Since lunch?

[instrumental music]

(woman on TV) 'Coming up next, "The MacNeil-Lehrer report."'

'But first, weather maps of developing nations..'

Why aren't we watching "The Love Connection?"

We're waiting for the "MacNeil-Lehrer Report."

Well, la-dee-dah.

(woman on TV) '...598.'

I thought the popcorn popper was broken.

It is. I popped this with your curling iron.

I won't ask how you melted the butter.

Hot comb.

You know, I thought the whole point

of this ratings hoo-hah

was to find out what people really watch.

Well, we really watch MacNeil and Lehrer.

Oh, yeah? Describe them to me.

Well..

...they wear neckties.

And..

...and they speak in well-modulated voices.

[knock on door]

(Trevor) 'Yo, Tanners!'

'It's me, Trevor!'

Speaking of "well-modulated voices."

Um, just-just a minute, Trevor.

ALF, go into the kitchen.

"Go into the kitchen. Go into the kitchen."

As a woman, you should be sensitive

to the demeaning undertones in that remark.

Now!

You're betraying your sisters.

Hey, Willie. How's it goin'?

- Hello. - Hi, Kate.

- Hi, Trevor. - I was..

Hey.

Is this one of those box-things

that lets you steal cable?

No, of course it's not.

No, we've been asked to become one of those

TV ratings families.

- No kiddin'. - Yeah.

Well, that figures.

You got your two adults

you-you got your two kids, you got your cat.

'You got your average height.'

You're the prototypical American family.

Too bad this rating stuff's a crock.

Well, why do you say that?

Because the best programs always come in last.

Now, case in point..

"Here's Lucy Again."

You know the one where she moves back in with her mother?

Who could play Lucy's mother?

I think they used a fried wig on a stick.

And then there's that other program that's on right now..

"Polka Jamboree."

It's like a Slavic "Soul Train."

Here. Dig.

[instrumental music on TV]

[Trevor humming]

No. No, no, Trevor. Uh, uh, we'll tune in later.

Right now, we wanted to check out

the, uh, rainfall in Sri Lanka.

Going on a picnic?

Trevor..

...uh, w-was there something you wanted?

Oh, yeah. Heh.

Could you turn on our sprinklers while we're gone?

Raquel and I are taking a trip to the big apple.

Oh, New York.

No, Washington state.

Some farmer up there grew an 80-pound golden delicious.

Well, sure, we'll be happy to water the yard, Trevor.

Where's the control?

I don't have one.

I just hook up my hose to your spigot.

Well, I should have no problem, then.

I never do.

See you in a month.

"Polka Jamboree!" Turn on "Polka Jamboree!"

Oh, why would you wanna watch "Polka Jamboree?"

They're playing "Cat Barrel Polka."

That's "Beer Barrel Polka," I believe.

They put beer in barrels?

Well, they take the cats out first.

Makes sense.

[instrumental music on TV]

We're here in the office of NBC entertainment president

Brandon Tartikoff, talking about the new rating system.

Oh, boy.

Brandon, what effect will the new people log system

have on rating trends as we know them?

Well, research indicates, that, uh

younger viewers will be up, older viewers will be down.

Females will be down, males will be up.

Daytime down, late night up.

Large audience shows

while they'll still have a large audience

may find their audiences smaller.

Smaller audience shows will have a larger audience.

Relatively speaking, of course.

But the most consistent aspect will be

the total lack of ratings consistency.

Which is, strangely enough consistent with

what we've found to be an overall...inconsistency.

If there's a quiz later, I'm sunk.

I see one of the other networks is throwing a couple of

new shows at your Thursday night line up.

Uh, I believe it's "Polka Jamboree"

and "Here's Lucy Again."

"Lucy" is always formidable

but we expect to do well.

As for "Polka Jamboree"

well, that was offered to me first

and frankly, I passed.

Time's up already? Wow. Okay. Brandon, thank you very much.

We'd like to thank our guests, Brandon Tartikoff

and Spuds Mackenzie. We'll see you next week.

(man on TV) 'Oh-ho-ho! We're admitting it!' We're insane!'

'And we eat spiders, but you have to be insane to eat'

'spiders, right? Oh, we're not dangerous!'

Then why do they have you in that straitjacket? Ha! Ha!

(man on TV) 'So don't be afraid to visit our used-car emporium! Ask for..'

Hey! I wanted to watch Crazy Steve

tear a drumstick off that tarantula.

It's 3 o'clock in the morning, ALF.

Well, what's time to a spider, Willie?

Why is the TV in here?

'Cause I couldn't move the refrigerator out there.

Don't touch that dial.

I love when you're assertive.

Go. Sleep. Now.

Well, can I just ask one bedtime question?

Yeah, what?

I saw that "Polka Jamboree" tonight.

It's really funny.

Why does it get such crummy ratings?

For one thing..

...it's not supposed to be funny.

What's the other thing?

Nobody watches it.

Next question.

I thought there was gonna be

one question here.

This is the bonus round.

What happens to a show when it's ratings are bad?

It gets cancelled.

[gasps]

You mean, "Polka Jamboree" could be cancelled?

We can only hope. Goodnight, ALF.

Well, wait, wait!

If-if more people watched "Polka Jamboree"

the ratings would go up, right?

Yes, but that..

...would take a miracle.

A miracle, huh?

Well, just call me the miracle worker.

[instrumental music]

[no dialog]

[instrumental music on TV]

I can't believe you and Mr. Ochmonek like this show.

It's so corny.

Well, one man's corn is another man's pot roast.

With gravy and mashed potatoes. Oh, Kate?

Kitchen is closed, and please, turn that program off.

Gee. Talk about a one-two punch.

Should I stop breathing, too?

Oh, let him watch it, Kate.

That show is so bad

it'll be off the air soon, anyway.

Shows what you know.

Well, what does that mean?

Well, it means your previous statement

reflected the sum total

of your knowledge on this subject.

Oh, thank you. Noah Webster.

"Noah" problem.

[applause on TV]

Thank you, thank you, all my wonderful friends

out in polka land.

(ALF) 'Willie, can I have an accordion?'

(Willie) 'No.'

I have an announcement to make.

A dream of ours here at "Polka Jamboree"

has finally come true.

According to the latest Thompson rating

our show came in number one.

[applause]

I did it! I did it!

I mean, uh..

Gee, how do you suppose that happened?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music on TV]

How did you make "Polka Jamboree"

come in first in the ratings?

What makes you think it was me?

In nine cases out of ten, it's you.

Well, maybe this is that tenth case.

- Is it? - No.

What have you done?

Well, remember that night last week

when you told me to rig the ratings?

I never told you to rig the ratings.

You didn't tell me not to.

You rigged the ratings?

Well, actually, I hastened the inevitable.

"Polka Jamboree" was ready to explode.

And you lit the fuse.

I called a few people and encouraged them to watch.

A few?

Could you ask him?

How many people did you call?

A thousand. Give or take a thousand.

And you say I use the phone too much.

Hey, don't worry. I did it during off-peak hours.

2:00 to 6:00 a.m.

And nothing outside the 48 contiguous states.

How considerate.

Hey, my way of saying

"I know we're on a budget."

A thousand phone calls.

Give or take a thousand.

But you know, even 2000 people

wouldn't increase the ratings that much.

Aha!

Unless they were each given a number

and logged into the Thompson rating system.

But how-how did you get the figures into their system?

Aha!

I hooked the ratings box

to the transmission on my spaceship.

Then I shifted into sideways.

I'm ready to talk about those phone calls, now.

Aha! We're past that point, Willie.

Aha! No, we're not!

Aha.

ALF, what you did was illegal.

Oh, like I've been to law school and would know that.

What you did was wrong, ALF.

Do you understand "Wrong?"

Wr.. The opposite of right. Wrong.

Wrong!

Wrong.

Oh, ALF. ALF, you bad, bad, bad jerk.

You loveable, huggable, adorable jerk.

But bad, nonetheless.

[instrumental music]

[stammering] Well, uh, what can I say, uh, Mr. Welch, I really

I don't, I don't, I don't have an explanation.

Yes, sir, I realize, I understand, I turned down

uh, "Polka Jamboree" in the first place

but let me assure you, sir, that I..

Hello? Hello?

(female #1) 'Mr. Cosby on line one.'

[sighs]

Hi, Bill. How are you?

Great episode last week when Theo lost his comb.

I never, ever thought he'd find it.

The ratings.

Yeah. Talk about a shock, huh?

Well, we knew we couldn't be number one forever, right?

By the way, can you play the accordion?

Sorry, just a thought.

You bet I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

And, Bill, thanks for the Jell-O.

[buzz]

- Yes, sir? - Send out a memo, Barbara.

I wanna develop three new shows.

"Polka Train"

"The Days and Nights of Molly Polka"

and something with McLean Stevenson.

Right away.

What are you guys doing?

We'll work quietly.

Does this wastebasket go?

Does it have a peacock on it?

- Yeah. - Leave it.

How about the, uh, name plate on the door?

Take it.

Hey, wait a minute.

This is the guy who turned down "Polka Jamboree."

That's why we're moving him out.

How about the lamp over here?

Mm-hmm. His new office is too small.

Excuse me, sir, you have calls waiting from, uh

"60 Minutes," "The National Enquirer"

and some guy named ALF.

I'll call them back when I get a new extension.

If I get a new extension.

Uh, this ALF guy says

he's the one responsible for the ratings.

- What line? - Two.

Oh, and it was very nice working for you, sir.

- I'm not out of here yet. - Yeah, right.

Hello?

Are you the guy in charge?

Um...talk fast.

I called to say I'm sorry.

I hope people don't lose their jobs over this

Polka-get thing.

Yeah. Me too.

Well, they shouldn't.

- This whole thing is my fault. - What?

See, I didn't want "Polka Jamboree" cancelled

so I called a thousand people, give or take a thousand

and then I hooked up my transmission to the TV box

and shifted into sideways.

This is the "Letterman Show," isn't it?

No, it's ALF.

Listen, as long as I've got you on the phone..

...can I pitch a wacky idea?

Why not?

Okay, now open mind.

Ordinary family, living a normal

boring, suburban existence, right?

(Brandon) 'Yeah.'

All of a sudden, from out of nowhere

this spaceship crashes into their garage, see?

- Spaceship? - 'Yeah, yeah!'

And this loveable, huggable

adorable alien comes out.

Not in a million years, pal. It's...too far-fetched.

[instrumental music]

So, um, what made you change your mind

about being a Thompson family?

- Our cat. - Big dead one.

He, uh, kept fooling around with the buttons.

You sure that Louie wasn't at the office when you called?

[chuckles] It's his day off.

[chuckles] Fine.

Uh, just out of curiosity, uh..

Who, uh, chose you as the typical American family?

- Computer error. - Had to be.

Where does he get off saying

we're not a typical American family?

Have you looked in a mirror, lately?

Hey, think of me as the son you never had.

We have a son.

Well, think of me as the son you never wanted.

Well, son..

...at least we don't have to worry about "Polka Jamboree"

being number one anymore.

Shows how much you know.

Enlighten me.

Now!

Well, I started a perfectly legal letter-writing campaign

to save the show.

Uh, incidentally, next time you're at the post office

would you pick me up 150 million stamps?

[instrumental music]

"Call number 462, 12 minutes"

to West Springfield, Massachusetts."

Guilty.

"Call number 463, seven minutes to Lansing, Michigan."

- Mea culpa. - Call number 464--

- This is boring, Willie! - I'm sorry, ALF.

Maybe I should sing them to you.

Maybe that would be more entertaining.

Yeah! Yeah. I love the way your voice cracks

on those high notes.

I'm doing this to make a point, ALF.

When you've done something really bad..

...then it's important that you learn from it.

And maybe next time you'll be able to use better judgment.

- Won't that be nice! - Yeah, real nice.

Go back to the phone bill.

"Call number 464..

...fourteen minutes to Bristol, Connecticut."

[accordion music]

"Call number.."

"Call number 465

"twelve minutes to Portsmouth, Virginia.

"Call number 466

'"nineteen minutes to Paola, Kansas.'

'Call number 467.."'

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]