Original subtitles

(ALF) 'Yuck! Too ripe.'

Nope, this one doesn't look good either.

Nope.

This one has a worm in it.

Mine!

You eat worms?

What else are you supposed to do with them?

Use them for bait?

(Kate) 'Brian, time for dinner.'

Okay.

- You coming, ALF? - No, go ahead.

Your mother won't let me eat worms in the house.

- Enjoy. - Thanks.

There's no worm in this!

Oh, howdy, Raquel.

[screams]

[screams]

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[ALF screaming]

Red alert! Red alert! Alien coming through!

What was ALF running for?

(ALF) 'Uh, occupied!'

Oh, I'm sorry.

ALF knows that's not a bathroom, doesn't he?

I hope so.

ALF.

ALF!

Say, ALF, what's going on?

[doorbell]

Uh, uh, get the front door, Willie.

It may be self-evident.

Oh, Kate, Willie!

It was horrifying, it was simply horrifying!

It had a long...and two big..

Raquel, please don't do this.

She's imagining things.

I am not imagining things.

There is a monster loose in the neighborhood.

A monster?

Oh, are you going to form an angry mob?

I saw it in your back yard.

And I could swear I've seen it once before.

What did this monster look like?

Uh...like bigfoot, only little.

It ran behind your garage.

Oh, it might still be there.

Uh, maybe we should go have a look.

Oh, good, good, good. But you go first.

Uh, Raquel, Raquel, I'm sure that there's nothing out there.

Oh, fine! Well, then, you just tell that to it!

Raquel..

Uh, will you tell it that I'd like to speak to him.

Big foot?

Well, she's one to talk.

I could shoot the rapids in one of her gunboats.

It was right over here!

See. It was eating the avocados.

How considerate of it to have taken a single bite

out of every one.

Look at this bite pattern.

Four teeth.

That is not human.

Your mother had four teeth.

Bad example.

Maybe it was a dog.

It knew my name!

Maybe-e-e it was a neighborhood dog.

Raquel, you know how the mind

plays terrible tricks on a person.

Yeah, I bet it was that extra garlic

you put on your pizza this morning.

You had the pizza.

Ixnay, Raquel.

I'm just trying to cover for ya.

I don't need you to cover for me! I am telling the truth!

Fine! You saw little bigfoot.

I'm out of it.

Well, it looked like a little Bigfoot.

Uh, uh, maybe it was one of those, uh, you know

wrinkly dogs from China.

They're...a-always being mistaken for something else.

No, no, this was different.

It looked like something from...another world.

The soap opera?

No, it was a creature from outer space!

Willie, you went to college.

Tell her there's no such thing as spacemen.

Well...I can't say that for sure.

It is possible that there are beings from other worlds

that could come to visit us someday

and stay even in fact overstay.

Not even once offer to pay for their own food..

...so I hear.

I give up. You're all nuts.

Come on, Raquel. We're going home.

No, no, it may be dangerous.

We must warn the Alien Task Force.

No, no. Why? You did that before they didn't believe you.

Why do you think they'll believe you now?

Fine! Then I'll have to warn everybody myself.

Yoo hoo!

Mr. Litwak! Yoo-hoo!

Raquel? Raquel!

[indistinct chatter]

Honey, you don't think the Litwaks

will believe her, do you?

Kate, the Litwaks believe

Dick Clark is 23 years old.

[instrumental music]

- Did they leave? - Yeah.

Where's small foot?

What is this sudden obsession with my feet?

Brian, uh, I want you to go outside

and see if Mrs. Ochmonek is alarming anyone.

You want me to spy on her?

No, no. No, no. I want you to go outside.

I want you to look around and see if Mrs...uh, yeah, go spy.

You know, I don't think that Raquel is gonna rest

until she gets her spaceman.

What if we borrowed a hairy animal

and let it loose on her yard?

Define hairy animal.

A goat.

An ant-rater.

A baboon. Yeah, no. No an orangutan.

- That's orange. - Who're you calling orange?

I'm burnt sienna.

I'm sorry ALF. No offense.

Well, none taken.

You hairless pink suburbanite.

There's a crowd around Mrs. Ochmonek.

Oh, no!

Don't worry, don't worry. We'll find a way out of this.

In the meantime ALF, you'll just have to stay inside.

Well define meantime.

For as long as it takes.

Well, define as long as it takes.

Until Raquel forgets

she saw a talking midget Bigfoot with four teeth.

Well, we're talking well into next week.

I noticed you spend a lot of time fixing stuff, Willie.

That's because you spend a lot of time breaking stuff, ALF.

Well, it's nice that our hobbies are so compatible.

Could you, could you stop the pacing?

I pace when I'm bored.

I've been under house arrest for almost a month.

It's been two days, ALF.

Then why did I carve 30 notches on your banister?

Because you're a vandal.

Look what I found. It's a picture of ALF.

What? Let me see.

"Be on the lookout for this

hideous looking space creature?"

Well, if that isn't a case of the orbit guard

calling the cat rancher a hairball!

They're on all of the telephone poles.

Oh, no. This is terrible.

Well, you're right! That picture looks nothing like me.

If my ears were that big, I could pick up HBO.

We've got to do something.

Yes, Brian, go to all the telephone poles

and erase the ears.

I repeat, erase the ears.

Okay. I'll make the nose bigger, too.

[Brian loudly] 'Oh, hi, Mr. Ochmonek.'

(Trevor) 'Oh, hi, Brian, where's your dad?'

[Brian loudly] 'He's in the garage. All by himself!'

[Trevor loudly] 'Well, thanks a lot! See you later!'

ALF, hide.

No. It's time I took a stand.

It is a far, far better thing that I do.

[knock at door]

I'll be far, far under the workbench.

Oh, hey, Trevor, wh-what's up?

Ask Raquel. She's driving me nuts.

You know she even made a sculpture of the creature

out of mashed potatoes.

That is pretty bizarre.

Hey watch it! That's my wife you're talking about.

Oh, I-I'm sorry.

This is a wild imagination, that's all.

She used to think you guys were taking

a sip out of our milk every morning.

She's making us the laughing stock of the neighborhood.

I hate to say it, Willie..

...I think she's wacko.

(Raquel) Trevor? Trevor.

Dumpling.

I just got a call from the "Lenny Scott Show."

Lenny wants to interview me on tonight's program.

Oh, no, not Lenny Scott!

Who's Lenny Scott?

He has a local talk show.

He has all kinds of kooks and weirdoes on.

He ridicules 'em, then he makes fun of them.

It doesn't matter who ridicules you

if you're telling the truth.

I'm sorry, pumpkin.

I just hate to see you blabbing this thing all over the city.

The truth must be told

and finally someone wants me to tell it. Oh!

Not me.

Me, either.

Raquel!

I'm on my knees.

Don't do this!

The name Ochmonek always stood for class.

And you were reincarnated 57 times?

'I see, you're trying to break Shirley MacLaine's record.'

Is Raquel on yet?

No, Lenny's still talking to the fat lady.

(Lenny) 'So, you were Lady Godiva in a former life, huh?'

Your horse must have loved that!

How would you rate this guy in the sleaze ball scale?

Oh, somewhere between a leech and a shark.

(Lenny) 'We'll take our first caller now.'

'You're on the air.'

Poor ALF.

You realize that after tonight

thousands of people will be coming to look for him.

I hope they don't take ALF away.

Well, you hope they don't take ALF away.

How could you be eating popcorn at a time like this?

We're out of potato chips.

Besides, I always snack

when I'm going to be exposed on TV.

There she is.

Our next guest is Raquel Ouch-my-neck.

[audience cheering and applauding]

Thank you.

It's pronounced Ochmonek.

Well, I'll just call you Raquel.

So, what's your story, Raquel?

Well, the other day..

...I saw this in my neighbor's back yard.

[audience laughs]

You saw a pile of mashed potatoes?

Hey, it's me, only lumpier.

No, this is a model of the space creature I saw.

Oh.

Must be from the planet Spud.

[audience laughs]

Well, I don't know what planet it was from.

But it spoke English. It said, "Oh, howdy, Raquel."

"Oh, howdy, Raquel?"

Must be from the southern part of the universe.

Well, it sounds like you had a close encounter

of the "ya-hoo" kind, huh?

[audience laughing]

This is a great show, huh?

No!

ALF he's being mean.

Really? Well I didn't get that at all.

Did you, Brian?

Yes!

Huh! I must've been thrown off by his subtlety.

Well..

...look who just dropped in!

It's Mr. Cuckoo.

And he's chosen you for his mate.

Are you calling me cuckoo?

Well, let's find out. Are you calling her cuckoo, Mr. Cuckoo?

Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo.

[audience] Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo.

You're right! He is mean.

- I'm leaving. - Where are you going?

The kitchen. I'm going on a hunger strike in protest.

First, I'm gonna strike the chocolate cake.

Then, I'm gonna dive bomb the cheese log.

Tell me, Raquel.

Uh, do you have any physical proof about what you saw?

Pictures? Footprints?

An English-Martian dictionary?

Just this.

Is that one of it's eggs.

No. No.

The creature took a bite out of that avocado, you see?

Oh, no, it's the invasion of the guacamole snatchers!

Whoo!

[audience laughing]

You're making, a re you making fun of me?

I think, we'll take our first caller.

Oh, howdy.

(ALF on speaker) 'Howdy, yourself.'

'I wanna say that Mrs. Ochmonek knows what she's talking about.'

They're coming out of the woodwork tonight.

[audience cheering]

(ALF) 'Aliens do exist.'

'And they've visited this planet many times.'

'Although they don't drink the water.'

That voice...it sounds so familiar.

Folks, I'd like to report a UFO.

An unidentified flaky object.

[audience laughing]

Well, listen, I couldn't help noticing your hair.

Is that a toupee, or did you sprout polyester?

It's ALF. It's him.

Hello? Hello?

He hung up on me.

ALF, what ever possessed you to do such a thing?

Hey, somebody had to defend Mrs. Ochmonek's honor.

Don't you realize what a chance you were taking?

Things were getting out of hand, Kate.

I just wanted to be the voice of reason.

You missed it, ALF. They just voted you cuckoo of the week.

Again?

Where's Lizard taking you?

Oh, to a science fiction movie.

Something about this guy being shrunk

and then injected into someone else.

Oh, that's not science fiction.

A friend of mine did that once.

He took a wrong turn and got stuck in the guy's nose.

- ALF. - Wait!

I didn't tell you the good part, how he got out.

- See, what they had-- - We don't wanna know.

- 'Hi, dad.' - 'Hi, honey.'

Hi, honey.

What's the good word?

Oh, well, the good word is, uh..

...it looks like you're safe.

Trevor's going around taking down all the posters.

Oh, heat's off? I'll be at the beach.

- ALF. - Well, I've got sun block.

You're staying right here.

What's the bad word?

Raquel.

I feel just terrible for her.

She's been so traumatized by this whole experience

that she-she won't talk to anyone.

She just sits in front the TV, staring at the screen.

How's Trevor handling it?

Not very well.

He said he wanted to go out for a long walk

Wanna search through his feelings.

Possibly bowl a few games.

Isn't there something that we could do for Mrs. Ochmonek?

I'll go have a talk with her.

Smart, spaceman. Real smart.

I have to do something.

The woman's a turnip because of me.

I'm afraid that's true.

She, she thinks she's lost her mind.

But I do exist.

I shed, therefore I am.

What do you think we should do?

Well, I don't know, honey. Talk to her, be patient.

Convince her that she didn't see an alien.

Well, let's face it. I'm unforgettable.

[instrumental music on TV]

[ALF humming]

Okay.

The ALF broadcasting company

is on the air.

Greetings, earth woman.

Yo, Raquel, can you hear me?

What's going on?

Take it easy.

I'm the alien you saw the other day.

You remember me, Mr. Potato head?

Oh, no. He's everywhere.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Spacemen don't exist.

Everyone knows that.

We do exist.

The reason I'm doing this is to show you that

you're still running on all three cylinders.

Oh. Oh, please don't do this to me.

I've just begun to resume a normal life.

You call that normal?

Sitting around in your bathrobe all day?

Where are you?

Uh, I'm out in space..

...deep, deep space.

Millions of light years from earth.

Oh! A meteor shower!

[imitating explosion]

(Raquel on speaker) 'What do you want from me?'

Raquel, I want you to regain your faith and imagination.

'Your, your girlish love of life.'

Oh, and I want you to take art lessons.

ALF, what are you doing?

Uh, n-n-no. Do not adjust your set.

We are experience technical difficulties.

[beeping]

ALF, you're only gonna make things worse.

Au contraire. I'm trying to help matters.

Now, just give me a chance.

Who are you talking to?

Uh, my crew.

Get back in the hold, you lackeys.

Lackeys?

Well, if she sees you, you'll ruin everything.

We're back.

Where did you go?

Uh, uh, Raquel, listen to me.

This is very important.

[instrumental music on recorder]

There are many things in this universe

you are not meant to understand.

Now, that doesn't mean they're not real.

I'm real.

And whether other people believe you or not

you know I'm real.

Thank you.

[music stops]

Let me ask you something.

Why are you wearing all those utensils?

Oh, oh, that's one of the things

you're not supposed to understand.

Uh, here's another one.

You should set a couple of pumpkin pies

out on your back porch once a week.

And never question why they disappear.

Uh, twice a week!

Alright, I will.

Good girl!

Uh, also, I noticed you don't have a cat.

Remedy that!

Uh, Yeah. Now, now, I must go.

So, uh, live long and prosper.

Uh, may the force be with you.

Uh, phone home. Go ahead, make my day.

Oh. Oh, yeah, and don't forget about those pies.

Bye!

[beeps]

[sighs]

Oh, thank you!

Thank you, whoever you are.

[chuckles]

Trevor.

- ALF. - I know. I know.

I did it again.

But I shouldn't have done it.

I, uh, I thought first and spoke later.

No, actually I spoke first and thought later.

Uh, what you did was..

...you did a pretty nice thing for Raquel, that's what you did.

Yeah, you did. We're proud of you.

Yeah? I'm something, huh.

Hey, maybe, uh, maybe I should get a Nobel peace prize.

Wouldn't that look nice on the mantel?

Oh, I don't know.

We might not have room for your Cuckoo of the Week award.

You're right. Forget it.

[instrumental music]

- Gin. - Oh.

- Yeah. - No.

What do you have?

I've, nine, nineteen, twenty..

...thirty nine.

Yeah, you owe me...$57,000.

Will you settle for a kiss?

No.

[knock on door]

(Trevor) 'Hey, Tanner.'

Uh, yeah, come on. Come on in, Trevor.

Did you see anybody take a

couple of pumpkin pies from our back porch?

Uh, no.

Uh, w-uh, how's Raquel?

Is she back to normal?

She claims the spaceman called her on the TV

and told her to take art lessons.

You call that normal?

But at least she's happy.

- Well, that's good news. - Yeah.

Sorry about those pies.

Nah, that's okay. We're going out to dinner, anyway.

You want me to bring you back a corn dog?

Corn...uh, no, thanks, uh, we-we'll see you later, Trevor.

Got ya.

ALF!

Did somebody mention corn dogs?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]