Original subtitles

Hold it. I haven't had my dessert.

Oh, gross! What is that?

It's a slimeball.

- ALF! - I know what you're gonna say.

I shouldn't bring treats to the table

unless I have enough for everyone.

- Well, we're in luck. - No, we're not.

You sure? There's a surprise in the center.

- ALF, where did you get those? - Melmac.

I usually buy wild cherry but all they had left was slug.

- Oh! - ALF.

What's the surprise in the center?

I'll give you a hint.

In wild cherry, it was a cherry.

- We'll pass. - Okay. More for me.

You know, it's a lucky thing I found these

when I was cleaning out my spaceship.

Couple of more months and they would've gone bad.

- Oh, no! - Oh, they're not that stale.

- No, i-it's a roach! - Roach?

Well, I think someone's been

slacking off on her housekeeping.

It came from your bag.

Well...needless to say..

...that's the last time I shop at Ed's Bakery.

[theme music]

[music continues]

- Where'd the roach go? - It ran under the bag.

- Somebody step on it. - There it goes.

- Oh! - Look, it has blue eyes!

Of course it does. It's a roach.

ALF, roaches don't have blue eyes.

They have.. I don't know what they have.

Well, on Melmac, their eyes are blue.

Haven't you ever heard the expression

"Her eyes were as blue as a roaches?"

- Would somebody just squash it? - Wait a minute, Kate.

This thing came all the way from Melmac.

It's a unique specimen.

We already have a unique specimen from Melmac.

You're comparing me to a cockroach?

- I'm gonna get the spray. - Answer me!

But, mom, wait!

I wanna take it to show-and-tell.

It will be just as interesting dead.

Do you have to kill it, I mean, couldn't you just..

...I don't know, like let it loose in the backyard?

No, no, here's what we should do.

We should catch it, I'll build a little box

we'll put a piece of doughnut right in the middle.

Then, you guys make sure that ALF

doesn't get to the doughnut before the roach does.

Then, I'll..

[hissing]

Never mind the box.

You mentioned something about a doughnut?

Mom, you didn't have to kill it.

Roaches are filthy disgusting creatures

that carry disease.

I thought we were talking about doughnuts.

There is no doughnut.

Can we give the roach a funeral?

We shouldn't bury it, we should keep it for studying.

I'm just curious. What kind of doughnut would it have been?

- Plain. - Plain?

With all the choices they have nowadays?

Can we forget about this doughnut?

Well, you got me going.

ALF, we are trying to figure out what to do with the roach.

Why? It's gone.

- What? - Look, it's not there anymore.

Where did it go?

Maybe you didn't spray it enough.

- I used half a can. - I'll be right back.

Where are you going?

I'm going to call a doughnut place that delivers!

Come on, everybody. We are gonna find that roach.

- Kate, calm down! - Calm down?

There is a space-roach loose in our house.

Well, maybe it went somewhere to die with dignity.

Psst, Willie.

Yeah, alright, ALF

you can order the doughnuts.

I already did. But that's not why I said psst.

Well, why did you say, "Psst?"

Just come out here.

What is all this secrecy about?

I didn't want to upset Kate.

W-what is it that would upset Kate?

I believe a foot-long cockroach would upset Kate.

Old blue eyes is back.

[screeching]

[instrumental music]

Come on, you guys, I told grandma

we'd be at her place in ten minutes.

Can the cockroach come with us?

Brian, I think you're missing the point of this trip.

Just get packed, please, let's get in the car.

Mom, why do we have to take so much?

I mean, we're coming back.

We are coming back, aren't we?

Yes, when the cockroach is killed.

But it was killed before.

This time I want to see a body.

- Good news. - It's dead?

Well, let's just say, it's got three feet in the grave.

The exterminator's on his way over.

[sighs] We don't need an exterminator.

We need Sigourney Weaver.

Kate, unpack your bags.

ALF, cancel the exterminator.

I've killed the roach.

Honey, that's wonderful.

Tell us how you killed the roach.

Yeah, how'd you kill Rodney?

You named it...after my brother?

- I, I, I can't help, but-- - Willie.

How did you kill the roach?

I used the spray.

Did you actually see the body?

- I saw it hit the floor. - And then?

And then I came in here.

So we're talking about an unconfirmed kill.

Technically.

Let's go, kids. Come on.

Wait! Kate, I emptied a whole can of spray on it.

I tell you, it's dead.

[thudding]

Call me when you get to your mother's.

Keep in touch, Willie. Let's go, Kate.

Say, you're not going anywhere.

That's your roach.

It was my roach when it was an inch long.

Now it belongs to the world.

Stay right where you are.

I-I'll call you when the exterminator leaves.

- Goodbye, honey. Be careful. - Bye.

- Bye, dad. Bye, Rodney! - Bye. Rodney.

Bye, daddy.

Listen, if it goes into my room

I don't wanna know about it. Bye, ALF.

Listen, what's that exterminator

plan to use on this thing?

I don't know. Spray.

- Hmm. - Hmm, what?

Well, maybe nothing, but..

...we started with a roach this big.

Kate sprayed it, a minute later

it was big enough to wear a sweater.

Then you sprayed it again.

Now, I hate to extrapolate, but--

ALF, what happened when you sprayed roaches on Melmac?

We didn't have spray on Melmac..

...which, in retrospect, seems like a pretty good thing.

[thudding]

[roach scurrying]

W-what's it doing back there?

Anything it wants to.

[doorbell rings]

You-you better hide in the kitchen.

Oh, great! The one place roaches always go.

Would you rather hide back there?

If you need me I'll be on top of the refrigerator.

- Exterminator. - Oh, right.

- Where are they? - In the bedroom.

Uh, but, actually there aren't really all that many.

Actually, uh, there's...just one.

One roach?

Hmm, just the one, yes. Mm-hmm.

What're you, some kind of phobic?

Phobic?

Yes.

Alright, I'll go kill the roach.

Wait, wait just a minute, please.

- You-you can't use that spray. - Why not?

Because..

...who knows what effect it'll have on the roach.

Well, if history's any teacher

the general effect will be death.

Ideally...yes.

But this is a special roach.

What is it? A pet?

Don't use the spray.

Fine. I won't.

I don't believe you.

Give me the tank.

Want my shoes too? So I don't step on it?

I was hoping you might be able to suggest

some more scientific way to kill it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I left my heat-seeking missile in the car.

Oh, now you're making fun of me.

Yes, I am.

I'll just take a magazine and whack it.

Uh, wait, wait.

Take this instead.

Psst! Did you warn him?

Yeah.

But I...I don't think he believed me.

[man screaming]

Maybe you'd better open the front door.

Let me out of here! Ah!

I...I've got to see this for myself.

You want me to hold the door open?

How big did it get?

Well, that depends.

Do you measure at the shoulder or the head?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

(ALF) 'Let's go, Willie!'

We're all packed and I started the car.

We're not running away from this roach.

You didn't hear me, I said, we're driving away

from this roach.

No, I'm not giving up.

I'm gonna find something to kill it.

Well, may I suggest the national guard.

I'd prefer a method that would keep us

off the 6 o'clock news.

Alright, I'll see you later.

D stands for drive, right?

ALF, look..

...panicking is not gonna help anything.

Yeah, right. Let's just sit around and read.

This is not reading. This is research.

I'm going to solve this problem

with a calm, clinical approach.

That's exactly what those guys in Detroit said.

Then one morning they woke up

and found themselves infested with jaffees.

- Jaffees? - Yeah.

Bloodsucking maggots

that take the shape of their host.

[hisses]

Detroit?

- Michigan? - You amaze me.

You think that's the only Detroit in the universe?

- Where's the other one? - On Melmac.

Lot of good R&B groups came out of there.

Thank you, ALF. Thank you.

But if we could stick to the problem.

We're supposed to be finding a way to kill roaches.

I thought of one, but you didn't like it.

I don't have a harpoon.

Whose fault is that?

I mean, you can't expect me to take care of everything.

I think I may have discovered a less violent solution.

Now, all these books say

that the best way to kill roaches is with boric acid.

Oh, yeah, that's what they used on the jaffees.

Well, did it work?

Let's put it this way.

Detroit became known as Jaffee Town.

Maybe they didn't have the right concentration.

Fortunately, I have access to all

the latest scientific research.

"McCall's?"

They did an article on poison, okay?

(Trevor) 'Yo, Tanner, you in there?'

Quick, ALF... under the counter.

It's crawling with spiders back there!

Go!

Well, can I at least take something to read?

Here.

"Steve Allen's World Of Bugs."

Great. I've already read it.

- Hi, Tanner. - Hi, Trevor.

I saw the exterminator leave your house in such a hurry

he dropped his tank.

- Bugs? - Oh, yeah.

We, uh, have a little cockroach problem.

Ah, yeah, cockroaches.

Blattella germanica, our little prehistoric friend.

You know, cockroach fossils have been found

that are over three hundred million years old.

That's nice, Trevor.

I'll never forget the cockroach problem we had back in Korea.

They were everywhere.

You took a step, it was like walking on crackers.

Isn't that interesting.

There's more.

I'm sorry, please go on.

We used to have to go to sleep with our boots on.

Because you know the oriental ones

when they bite, they secrete this weird saliva.

Kinda like meat tenderizer.

- No! - Yeah.

You get enough of that in your system, forget it.

They showed us a movie about it.

David Niven was brilliant.

Well, I'll see ya.

Oh, by the way..

...I took the liberty of spraying around your house.

- You what? - Yeah.

I noticed the exterminator forgot to do it.

So I dosed it up for ya real good.

- No charge. - Oh, no!

I said, no charge.

[instrumental music]

Where are you going?

Oh, I'm going to the drugstore.

I'm gonna buy all the boric acid they've got.

But you heard Trevor.

What if you come back and I've been tenderized?

I-I-I won't be gone long. I'll only be gone five minutes.

- Take me with you. - You know I can't.

Well, throw me in the trunk.

There's no air. You'll suffocate.

I'll wear scuba gear. That'll give me 30 minutes.

Plus, if you drive off a bridge, I'll survive.

I haven't got time to argue.

Alright, go!

First, Kate and the kids, now you.

I feel like the pretty, little virgin.

The-the what?

You know, the apple-cheeked maiden

that the cowardly townspeople feed to the dragon.

Don't you read fairy tales?

This is a discussion

that we're going to postpone.

- I'm leaving now. - Fine.

I'll just toddle off into the kitchen and saute myself.

Oh, ALF..

...you know I wouldn't leave you if I had any other choice.

Then hug me.

- What? - I want a hug.

Why?

Well, because we may never see each other again.

And we've never taken the time to..

...you know...hug.

Now tell me you love me.

[sobbing] Ooh, ALF.

Alright, alright, just hurry back, okay?

- And don't stop for anything. - No, no.

- Uh, except maybe some more-- - Doughnuts.

Jelly!

Alright, I should take it easy.

I mean, the only thing we have to fear

is fear itself.

Whoever said that must've had a lot of bodyguards.

[roach chirping]

Be strong, be strong.

[chirping continues]

Be afraid, be very afraid.

Listen, you don't wanna eat me! I'm pure gristle!

My whole family has an aftertaste.

If you can hold out, there's doughnuts on the way.

[clattering]

Good idea! Put some coffee on.

[clattering continues]

[roach chirping]

[glass shattering]

[screaming]

Oh! I should've guessed.

It probably likes gristle.

Now I feel like a tease.

Hello, operator, this is an emergency!

Give me the fire department

or the police, or the paramedics, somebody.

I don't care, you decide.

Hello? Fire department?

Uh, well, I need you to come out here.

There's a giant cockroach trying to kill me!

Alright then. I'm a cat and I'm stuck in a tree.

Whatever it takes!

[thudding]

[roach chirping]

Operator, make it the paramedics!

[ALF screaming]

Whoever builds the doors on this planet

ought to be horsewhipped!

[pounding on door]

Occupied!

Alright, the party's over!

I've got a 357 and I know how to use it!

No one's ever told me where these things lead.

Nah!

[banging on door]

Oh, you want to use the bathroom!

Is that it? Hey, hey, I know the feeling!

[roach chirping]

[ALF screaming]

Look, you're angry at the world, I understand that, uh

you probably didn't get enough love as a larva.

Uh, but-but I've got an idea.

We could sit down, talk

have a nice cold glass of boric acid.

You know, we could deal with it, what do you..

What do you think about that? Ever see one of these, huh?

Take that, you..

Uh, uh, I was only kidding. Joke, joke.

Yeah, you know what, I've got the number

of a good psychiatrist friend of mine.

He, uh, he deals with psychopathic ants

and, uh, and roaches! Here, here, take this!

[ALF grunting]

Now you'll smell good too.

[crickets chirping]

ALF! ALF, are you okay?

Oh, hi, Willie. Did you get the doughnuts?

ALF...w-w-what did you do?

Nothing much.

Watched a little TV.

Killed the bug.

How did you kill it?

Cheap cologne.

That's perfume.

I bought that for Kate on her last birthday.

You had roach problems then too?

How did you know to use this?

Well, I analyzed the list of ingredients

and based on what I know about the physiology

of Melmacian cockroaches--

- ALF. - I lucked out.

I can't believe you took this roach on all by yourself.

You could've been killed.

When it comes to defending my home I'm an animal.

That's just the way I'm made.

Well, I'm going to, uh..

...I'm gonna drag this outside before Kate gets back.

No, don't rough it up!

Once they dry out, they get brittle.

What difference does that make?

Are you kidding?

I plan to have that guy stuffed

and mounted ASAP.

I thought it would look good over the fireplace.

We're getting rid of it!

[telephone ringing]

Hello? Oh, hi, Kate. I was just about to call you.

I've got some good news about the roach.

And some bad news about your birthday present.

[instrumental music]

- Goodnight, ALF. - Hey, Brian.

How about a bedtime story?

I'm too tired to tell you one tonight.

- No, I'll tell you one. - Oh, okay.

What do you wanna hear? "Babar The Elephant?"

"The Princess And The Pea?"

Or "Brave ALF

And The Giant Cockroach?"

- I'll go with the princess. - Fine, read it yourself.

What'd you do with the cockroach?

We found a dump that doesn't ask questions.

Too bad they don't give a prize for the weirdest garbage.

ALF, did you check your spaceship

see if there were any more cockroaches?

Consider it roachless.

But you-you sprayed everything with perfume

just in case?

Well, everything but my gym bag.

I don't want to get funny looks if I ever go back

to my health club.

What, what is this plant?

Looks kind of like a Venus flytrap.

- 'Hmm.' - It is. From Venus.

[sighs] I want that out of this house.

Why? It's just a plant.

It brightens up the room, gives off oxygen.

It eats insects.

And pencils.

I'll get the perfume.

I'll call and see if the dump is still open.

I'll take back the boric acid and get some defoliant.

You people are getting good at this.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]