Original subtitles

[scratching]

¶ Well my name is ALF and I'm stuck on Earth ¶

¶ I can't get back to my place of birth ¶

¶ Uh makin' the best of a bad situation ¶

¶ Think of it as an extended vacation ¶

Yeah!

¶ Now I didn't come here lookin' for trouble ¶

¶ I'm just here doing the alien shuffle ¶

Take it, Lynn.

¶ Well how do you do? My name is Lynn ¶

¶ I'm doing some rapping with an alien ¶

¶ He's kind of short a little bit furry ¶

¶ I'd rap some more but I'm in a hurry ¶

Good. Good.

¶ Hey look who's here his name is Willie ¶

¶ Come rap with us let's all get silly ¶

¶ I'd love to ALF but I'm uh got to get ready ¶

¶ I just wanted to tell Lynn.. ¶¶

...that her mother needed her.

That isn't even close to rhyming.

I wasn't trying.

ALF, you can come out now, if you want.

Hey, Willie, come here. Listen to this.

Let me know when this gets irritating, okay?

[ululating]

Now! Now!

It's irritating almost at once.

- What was that? - Melmacian mating call.

- Like it? - It's charming.

Does it have any effect?

Oh, knocks 'em unconscious!

I'd better go. I'm beginning to feel faint.

ALF, while we're gone

I trust you won't be getting into any mischief.

- You do? - Not really.

But we gotta go.

[ululating]

- Come on. Come on. - 'What? What?'

Out of there. Out!

What? Ah, geez, I never do anything right.

[theme music]

[no audio]

[music continues]

[piano music]

Oh, Kate, I changed this lyric, you want to listen to this?

Mm-hmm.

¶ Asparagus asparagus ¶

¶ Put it on your table ¶

¶ Asparagus asparagus ¶

¶ We'll make you feel more able ¶¶

What was the change you made?

Oh, I made, I changed, uh, "According to Aunt Mabel"

I changed to "We'll make you feel more able."

I liked Aunt Mabel better.

I thought you were watching "Wheel Of Fortune."

I am. Buy a vowel!

I-I guess maybe there's another word

that rhymes with table.

There's grable, uh, gable, uh, fable. Uh, fable..

Oh, Willie, Willie, this is a show

for first graders, and it's tonight.

I don't think I'd make any more big changes.

Y-you're right, "more able" stays.

Fine, you're the writer.

Vanna, honey, when you stand sideways

they can't see the letters!

I'd better tell Brian that Aunt Mabel is out.

- Wh-where is he? - I don't know.

Oh, he's in the kitchen boning the salmon.

Oh, heh, I'll-I'll, I'll tell him later.

Now...now for my-my dramatic verdian bridge.

[piano music]

Spin that sucker!

What a wimp!

Could you please keep it down?

Yeah, Willie, have some consideration!

ALF, ALF, this is a very important show.

I know, it's the semifinals.

I'm not talking about the "Wheel Of Fortune."

I'm talking about "The Nutrition Follies."

Brian's school pageant.

Now, if you don't mind!

Boning the salmon?

Here you go, ALF.

Where's the head?

Give that to me.

You're not to eat boned salmon in the living room.

Fine. Who wants it without the head, anyway?

Brian, come here for a minute. I made some changes in the song.

I think this is gonna be a lot easier for you.

Le-let me show you.

¶ Asparagus asparagus ¶

¶ Put it on your table ¶

¶ Asparagus asparagus ¶

¶ We'll make you feel more able ¶¶

- I liked Aunt Mabel. - Forget it, kid.

Aunt Mabel's history.

Oh.. Uh, let's try on your costume.

It's too big.

No, I made you a new one, this one's smaller.

Come on, let's see how it looks.

Hop in there. There you go.

There! You are an official Aspara-guy. What do you think?

Personally, I'm appalled by the whole idea.

On Melmac, we only dressed as vegetables

during periods of mourning or when someone died.

Well-well, when someone dies here

we-we generally wear dark clothes, maybe a hat.

A hat? To a funeral?

When do you wear feathers?

We don't.

Barbarians.

Oh, Brian! You look so cute.

You're gonna make a great celery stalk.

- He-he's an asparagus. - Oh.

I'd rather be a celery.

Alright, everyone, uh, we just got a few minutes now

before the last rehearsal.

So, Brian, why don't you and I run over the song

before Spencer gets here?

Daddy, I don't want to.

Brian, you were so excited about this.

I stink. Spencer says so.

Oh, what do you care what Spencer says?

Because he laughs at me and makes me forget the words.

I don't like him. He's mean.

Oh, Brian, that's not really.. That's not fair.

I'm sure Spencer has some very fine qualities.

That's not what you said last night.

Well, maybe an unkind word slipped in here or there.

Willie, you said the kid was fungus.

I didn't..

Even if I did, that-that's not the point.

What was the point?

[car door closes]

The point is moot.

The little fungus is here now.

Right. Come on, ALF.

Yeah, I know, 86 the alien.

Let's go to my room.

What about the salmon?

- Forget about the salmon. - Forgotten.

Why would anyone throw away the head?

[doorbell dings]

Remember, Brian, don't let Spencer get to you.

I'll try.

Hi there, Spencer.

Look what I got from my dad, Dr. Potato Famine.

- Wow! Can I look at it? - No way. You might wreck it.

From your, uh, father, eh, Spence?

He back in town again?

Nope, Zurich. His secretary sent this to me.

But he told her to.

Spencer, uh, why don't we try on our costumes

and we'll get started.

- Where is it? - I-it's right over here.

You call that an asparagus?

It looks like a zucchini.

Uh, why don't we rehearse first

and then we'll try on the costumes, okay?

Okay, but nobody touch this. It's very expensive.

I'll guard it with my life.

Here's some material I've written to open up the act.

Uh, what act?

Well, I thought I'd tell some jokes to liven things up.

Always open with comedy and close with a song.

Brian, uh, you want to come over here, we'll try this.

Let's see if you get it right this time.

Okay. Asparagus?

¶ Asparagus are long and green ¶

¶ And good for you to eat ¶

¶ Will make your body strong and lean.. ¶

Pick it up.

¶ Our flavor can't.. ¶

¶ Be beat ¶¶

- Can't you remember anything? - Leave me alone.

Guys, look, guys, this is something

that we're trying to do.

We're trying to do this together.

This takes a lot of cooperation.

Let's-let's try it right at the refrain.

Right at the.. Let me just do this for you.

¶ Asparagus asparagus ¶

¶ Put us on your table ¶

¶ Asparagus asparagus ¶

¶ We'll make you feel more able ¶¶

What happened to Aunt Mabel?

- I changed it. - You changed it?

I changed it. I think this has more impact.

You see, nobody knows who Aunt Ma..

This is the way we're doing it, and that's it.

You're the writer.

Let's try it, okay?

¶ Asparagus asparagus ¶

¶ Put us on your table ¶

¶ Asparagus asparagus ¶

¶ Will make you feel Aunt Mabel ¶¶

Oh, no, I can't work with him.

[instrumental music]

Say, will you turn that off?

No, "Bonanza" is just coming on.

ALF, you've seen "Bonanza" a hundred times.

I know, but this is one of the lost episodes.

Please turn that off.

Fine.

[music stops]

It's lost forever.

No, Spencer, I'm sorry, I don't think the jokes

about your ex-wife will work.

No. No priests, no rabbis, and no ministers.

No, Spencer, the song stays as it is.

Okay, everybody, almost show time.

- Everybody ready? - Just about.

Come on, Brian, here's your costume.

I don't wanna go.

Brian, honey, it'll be a lot of fun.

All your friends will be there.

Yeah, they need you.

Nobody needs asparagus.

[clears throat]

Uh, William, may I have a word with the boy?

ALF, he's our son and we'll handle this, alright?

Fine. I'm a dot on the horizon.

Brian, I know that Spencer bothers you

but you can't let that stop you.

Now, 10, 20 years from today

nobody will remember "The Nutrition Follies"

but you will remember that you went out there

you were the best asparagus you could be.

I don't care. I don't wanna do it, I'm scared.

Brian, lots of famous people get stage fright

before they have to sing.

I read somewhere once that Rod Stewart seizes up

with stomach cramps and hyperventilates and--

(Kate) 'Lynn.'

I'll wait in the car.

So if you really, really don't want to sing

then, uh, we'll just sit in the audience and watch.

We'll take your costume just in case you change your mind.

Okay? Let's get in the car.

Oh, good, you solved it without me.

Yes, we managed to fumble through.

So, uh, Brian, you gonna sing?

Not exactly, but, uh, we are going.

So you blew it.

Listen, uh, I think I've got a fix on the kid's problem.

Mind if I talk to him alone for a minute?

Just, uh, keep it short.

Come on over here, pal.

We'll be in the car, Brian.

- We are pals, aren't we? - Yeah.

So what's the problem?

It's that Spencer guy, isn't it?

Let me tell you a little story

about a guy who had the same problem you did.

- A guy named Gordon. - Who's he?

Someone I grew up with on Melmac.

Nice kid, handsome..

...intelligent, great athlete..

...wonderful sense of humor, ha!

- It was you, wasn't it? - How'd you guess?

Anyway, I was doing a little--

Your name's really Gordon?

- Yeah, Gordon. - That's funny.

It was my mother's maiden name, alright?

Sorry.

Anyway, back on Melmac

I was in a little dinner theater production

of "Man of La Mancha."

I was playing Sancho Panza.

It was opening night. There was a full house.

I was about to sing my first number

when suddenly, I froze!

I was like this.

Yeah!

Your name is really Gordon?

Just go with me on this, okay?

I'm up there, I'm frozen.

I can't remember my opening number.

The audience was getting hostile.

They were ready to start throwing bread sticks at me.

When the guy who played Don Quixote

pulled me aside and gave me this good luck charm.

- A tooth? - Yeah!

His 124 year molar.

Did it bring you good luck?

Ha! You bet.

I got through my song, plus "The Impossible Dream"

and every other song in the show.

For an encore I even did a couple of numbers from "Gypsy."

Yeah, but will it work on asparagus songs?

No problem.

Don Quixote says the tooth works on vegetables too.

[car horn honking]

Look, just stick that in your back pocket

and you'll go out there and knock 'em dead.

Great! I will.

Thanks...Gordon.

Don't worry, kid. You'll be swell.

You'll be great.

¶ Gonna have the whole world on a plate ¶

¶ Starting here ¶

¶ Starting now ¶

¶ Honey everything's.. ¶¶

Brian!

Uh-oh. There's trouble, right here in River City.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Uh, mom, I think those people are in our seats.

Um..

Excuse me. Uh, I believe you're in our seats.

No, uh, these are seats 11 and 12.

Oh, here-here's the problem.

Your seats are in the meat section

and this is the vegetable section.

You're all vegetables, aren't you?

- Oh, yeah. - Absolutely.

We're all vegetables.

Lady, I think you're mistaken. We're potatoes.

No. No, uh, these are not potatoes.

Uh, these are Cornish game hens.

Wh-what are you talking about?

Look, here's the butter and here's the chives.

No. I'm sorry, I think that's wild rice.

Yes. Yes, it is.

Oh, yeah, right.

Come on, Sally, we're poultry.

Sorry.

I hope Brian's gonna be alright.

- He'll be fine. He's a trooper. - Yeah.

Hello, Jack Rabbit Delivery Service?

Yeah, I'm looking at your ad in the Yellow Pages.

How would you feel about delivering

a tooth to an asparagus?

Hello? Hello?

[piano music]

[applause]

Yes. Yes, indeed.

Let's hear it for the two garlics!

[applause]

Now, we'll take a short break while we air out the stage.

[chuckles]

Okay, guys, come on. Come on. We follow the garlics.

- It's gone! - Wh-what's gone?

My lucky tooth! I can't go out there!

Whoa, whoa. Uh, whoa, what lucky tooth?

The one that ALF gave me for courage.

Next on our entertainment menu

a treat from our friends in the vegetable family.

I give you the Aspara-guys.

Alright, Spencer, I want you to go out there

I want you to do those jokes.

Oh, boy. My big break!

Hey, Brian, I'm just, I'm-I'm trying to understand

about this tooth business.

True story. A guy walks into the principal's office

with a duck on his head.

The principal says, "My gosh, how did this happen?"

The duck says, "I don't know.

It started as a growth on my foot."

- What's wrong? - It wasn't funny.

No, I mean where is Brian? Why isn't he out there?

What is this, an audience or an oil painting?

Hello?

Uh, listen, I need a cab here, as soon as possible.

Yeah, uh, 167, Hemdale.

It's an unassuming house that needs a paint job.

Uh-huh. Uh, you'll be going to the Franklin Elementary School.

How many passengers? None, just a tooth.

Hello? Hello?

Excuse me, Mr. Tanner, what seems to be the problem?

- Uh, Brian's lost a tooth. - Aw. How cute.

But there's no business like show business

so let's go on with the show.

Well, I'm afraid we'll need another minute or so.

Well, alright, but please hurry. The radishes are getting testy.

So, how many of you are from out of town?

Brian, no matter how special Don Quixote's tooth may be

you can't count on something like that to give you courage.

Why not?

Because courage doesn't come from some thing.

Courage comes from inside. From-from in you.

If you can sing with a lucky charm, you can sing without one.

(Spencer) 'My teacher's so old'

'her Social Security number's in Roman numerals.'

- But what if I mess up, dad? - No. You won't mess up, son.

And-and even if you do, it doesn't matter.

The important thing is that you go out there

and give it your best shot.

Uh, uh, hello, Bye Bye Travel?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, when's your next flight to Hawaii?

Oh, oh, perfect, good.

Uh, listen, on the way to the islands

you think we could stop at the Franklin Elementary School?

Hello? Hello?

May your daughters marry substitute teachers!

- But what about Spencer? - What about me? I just bombed.

The meat section hates me.

Uh, they don't hate you, Spencer.

I think they just don't understand comedy.

Spencer, you're crying.

No, I'm not.

I was standing too close to the onions.

Look, I'm going to introduce a vegetable out there.

Now, is it going to be green or red?

Well, what's it gonna be, guys?

I'm not going.

You aren't?

No, I'm scared.

- You are? - Yeah.

I don't think I can even remember the words to the song.

Well, you say

"Asparagus are long and green

and good for you to eat."

And I say

"Will make your body strong and lean

our flavor can't be beat."

Oh, yeah.

Right, dad?

Right.

Think you better introduce the Aspara-guys.

Where are they?

I don't know, but I'm going back there.

Okay, here we go. Sit down, lady.

And now, at long last, the Aspara-guys.

[applause]

[piano music]

Come on, you can do it.

¶ Asparagus are long and green ¶

¶ And good for you to eat ¶

¶ Will make your body strong and lean ¶

¶ Our flavor can't be beat ¶

[music continues]

¶ So when you're in the store ¶

¶ Just take this tip from us ¶

¶ Buy aspa-ra-gus ¶¶

[applause]

Maestro!

[instrumental music]

Okay.

Alright, Brian.

Guess it's up to me.

Yeah.

...that was amazing.

ALF?

ALF! What are you doing in that costume?

Uh, uh, uh, my uncle died.

ALF, I did it. I sang my song!

You did?

- Without the lucky tooth. - He was great.

He was the best vegetable up there.

Yeah, you see, courage doesn't come from a tooth

it comes from in here.

That's close enough.

But thanks anyway.

- Yeah. Come on, Brian. - 'So cute.'

Come on, let's get ready for bed.

¶ Asparagus asparagus.. ¶¶

Brian, we were great.

I'm gonna make myself a sandwich.

Sitting with all that food made me hungry.

Well, uh, I'm glad the kid did so well.

I guess I'll go change.

It's getting hot in here.

ALF..

Yes?

I don't think your uncle really died, did he?

Then who did we bury?

I think that you were gonna sneak out

and, uh, bring Brian that tooth, weren't you?

I wasn't going to sneak.

I was going to hot wire a car.

Whatever.

You were very concerned about Brian.

I think...I think that was very sweet.

You, uh, you want to hug me, don't you?

Maybe we could start with a handshake.

Deal.

[instrumental music]

[chuckles]

I feel ridiculous.

[laughing]

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]