Original subtitles

Just try it again. This time I'll get it.

Okay, tell me what I'm thinking.

Okay.

You're thinking of..

...Florence Henderson.

I was thinking of a fork.

But wasn't her maiden name Florence Fork?

Close enough, alright, think of something else.

Okay.

You're thinking of..

...the 1927 Yankees.

I was still thinking of a fork.

But didn't one of their pitchers throw a fork ball?

- I don't know. - Well trust me, he did.

Hi, guys.

Hello.

Oh, we're okay. Don't get up.

I wasn't going to.

Guess what? ALF can read our minds.

He's not reading mine at the moment.

Yes, I am. I'm just ignoring it.

He's teaching me metal telepathy.

I think you mean mental telepathy.

Maybe it is metal.

All he keeps thinking about is forks.

"How to develop your psychic awareness

in one afternoon."

- We sent away for it. - Yeah.

It came with a pair of these X-ray glasses.

You wasted good money on a mind-reading kit?

We'll make it all back with our stock market picks.

ALF, you come from an advanced civilization.

How can you be so gullible?

You're right. I'm ashamed.

Nice underwear, Kate.

[theme music]

[no audio]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Oh, good. Everyone's here.

Where's Kate?

I-in the shower.

Thanks.

He wouldn't.

He might.

[Kate screaming]

He did.

Found her.

ALF, you don't walk into other people's showers.

I didn't walk in.

I just pulled the curtain open.

I insist that you respect my wife's privacy.

I didn't know she was gonna be naked.

Don't you ever do that again.

Alright, alright. We're movin' on.

I need to have a family meeting here.

- ALF! - They'll call back.

You do that again, you're a seat cover.

- Do what again? - You know what!

ALF, that was very rude hanging up the phone like that.

You're right. I'm sorry.

You look a little different today.

- Oh, I know-- - You used to have a mustache?

No, I got my braces off.

Yeah, but didn't you used to have a mustache, too?

ALF, what do you have to say that's so important?

Today is March the first.

You'd better not be finished.

I wasn't. Tomorrow is the second.

- I'm calling Mindy back. - Wait! Wait! Wait!

Come here. Come back here.

Every 75 years on March 2nd

I go through a complex physiological

and psychological transformation.

What?

I go goofy.

All Melmacians go through it.

From sunrise to sunset

my personality will change dramatically.

Ah, how dramatic is this change?

One never knows till it happens.

But expect the unexpected

wildly erratic behavior

personality shifts.

The main thing is that I'll do anything

to get out of that cage and get my hands on a cat.

Any questions?

- I have one. - You, in the tie.

What cage?

Oh, the cage you're going to build for me.

The one with the reinforced sides.

Let me get this straight.

You're gonna act strange and you're gonna eat cats.

So what's the change?

It's a matter of degree.

Imagine ALF to the tenth power.

It boggles the mind.

[instrumental music]

Excuse me, Willie.

N-not now, ALF, I'm trying to finish this cage.

Will you talk to me later?

When would be good to tell you it's all wrong?

And what's wrong with it?

Well, for one thing, it's too small.

I'm gonna need much more room for writhing and thrashing.

Well, ALF, you didn't say anything

about writhing and thrashing.

I thought it was a given.

Look, I found this photo album in my spaceship.

I think there's a picture in here of the last cage we built.

Yeah, here it is.

Well, that doesn't look anything like what I built.

That's all iron and steel.

Yeah. And the inside is padded.

Well, I haven't got time now

to rebuild this whole cage.

Oh, look, that's my cousin Kendall.

- Step-cousin actually. - It-it..

That's him with his first car.

- ALF.. - Well, look here.

Here's my god-son Jed.

That must've been taken at his 100th birthday party.

- That's me on the pony. - Oh.

Say, you photograph very well.

- You know, I never thought so. - Look, ALF, what..

What if I just try to reinforce what I've got here?

Good idea.

¶ She hates California ¶

¶ It's cold and it's damp.. ¶¶

Mr. Ochmonek! H-he's on his way over.

Come on, ALF, get in here! Hide, quick!

But I like Sinatra. Especially the early years.

- Move it! - It's dark in there.

- Go! - Oh.

¶ That's why the lady is a tramp ¶

¶ Yeah yeah yeah ¶

¶ That's why the lady.. ¶

¶ That's why the lady ¶ ¶ That's why the lady ¶

¶ That's why the lady is a tramp ¶¶

Ah, Trevor.

So you dig the Chairman too, huh?

The Chairman? Oh, yes, of the board. Yes, yes.

I-I'm quite fond of his work, especially the early years.

Tell me about it. What, are you shipping a monkey?

Oh, uh, no, no, no, No monkey. No, no.

I'm just building a little storage shed.

Because I, uh, I need a little storage.

Yeah, I've been trying to get Raquel to build one for months.

Oh, ho. Hey, hey.

Hey, Trevor, can I ask you a little favor?

- Sure, neighbor. - Uh, well..

You know, Kate and I are having our house sprayed

for, uh, uh..

...silverfish.

I just wondered if it would be alright

if, uh, you guys could watch our cat?

Oh, well, Raquel's allergic to cats.

Her feet swell up, all the Pitzer sisters have it.

Oh, well, gee, then never mind.

You know what?

He could stay with me in the bedroom.

Raquel could sleep on the couch.

Oh, I couldn't ask her to do that.

I could. Don't worry about it.

You know, Raquel and I were just saying the other day

we never see you and, uh, Mrs. T anymore.

Well, Kate and I have been up to our necks with ALF..

...falfa! Alfalfa!

Alfalfa?

Yeah, Kate planted all this..

...alfalfa.

That's why we got all those new tools

we gotta put in our new toolshed!

In fact, I wouldn't be surprised

if it was the alfalfa..

...th-that caused the silverfish!

Excuse me.

[instrumental music]

- Is everything in there? - Yes.

Uh, pillow, owl costume

and hash brown potatoes.

You didn't drain the grease, did you?

Oh, and your Danish postcards are in there, too.

Danish postcards?

They're pictures of Danishes!

Well, I guess it's that time.

- Well, good luck, ALF. - Thanks, Brian.

Now remember, Willie, you are not

I repeat, not to let me out of here

under any circumstances.

- Is that clear? - Yes.

Good.

Good. Now let me out.

I have to use the little alien's room.

Oh, sure.

What are you doing? Are you crazy?

Didn't I say not to open this door

under any circumstances?

Well, I thought, uh..

I thought you really had to go.

You have a lunatic on your hands here.

You've got to be prepared for all kinds of diabolical tricks.

(Willie) Okay, okay.

(ALF) You know, maybe I should go

just to be on the safe side.

Forget it.

(ALF) Good. You're finally catching on.

Now, now let me out. I have to go.

[laughs] Oh, no. No.

[howling]

Maybe he's in pain.

That's just another one of his tricks.

(ALF) Help! Help! Fire! Somebody let me out.

He's lying.

Ooh! Oh, there's a big rat in here.

Badly.

[imitating Lynn] Mom, dad, get me out of here.

Lynnie, that sounded just like you.

Wow, he's really good.

Excuse me, but this is really weird. I can't watch.

[imitating Brian] Wait for me, wait for me!

Did I say that?

Brian, you better go to your room, too.

This could get out of hand.

[imitating Willie] This could get out of hand.

This could get out of hand.

He's good. He's very very good. Mmm.

He's almost as good as Rich Little.

[imitating Kate] Can Rich Little do this?

Can Rich Little do this?

Stop!

[imitating Kate] Stop, stop.

It's gonna be a long night.

[instrumental music]

(ALF) Yo, B.. Brian.

Where are you going?

To get some milk.

Oh, yeah, that would sure hit the spot.

Hey, come here.

I'm not supposed to talk to you.

Not talk to your old buddy?

You don't have to be afraid.

It's over. I'm back to my old self.

Come on, let me out.

You said not until sunrise.

(ALF) 'Brian, it's me.'

The old ALFer.

The guy that taught you how to read minds.

In fact, I know what you're thinking right now.

What?

That you want to let your old pal

out of this cage, right?

No. I was thinking of a fork.

[ALF imitating buzzer]

- What's that? - Oh, it's my alarm.

It's sunrise. You can let me out now.

- But it's still dark. - Not on Melmac.

See, that's the time we go by.

So I made it. Open up.

- Are you sure? - I'm sure, I'm sure.

Open up. I'm hungry.

Okay.

[sighs] Thanks.

Oh, hey would you check in that cage?

I left my hash brown bucket in there.

Ha! Ha!

ALF, why are you locking me in this cage?

Sorry, kid. I need a head start.

Save me some hash browns!

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

[door shuts]

[instrumental music]

(Brian) Mom! dad!

Mom! Dad! Let me out!

Oh, boy, he does a good Brian.

You'd hardly know it was ALF.

It's me, it's really me.

Nice try.

Honey, honey, maybe it is Brian.

But that can't be. Brian's in.. Brian's in bed.

Brian!

- What? - Not you.

- Brian! - What?

I'll go check his room.

Honey, honey.

I-it looks just like Brian.

Oh, maybe ALF can change his shape, too.

No, he can't. It's me.

Alright.

Alright, if you're really Brian

what's your favorite food?

- Spaghetti. - Uh, that's ridiculous.

No, no, no, that is his favorite food.

Well, I thought it was Lynn who liked spaghetti.

- No. - No?

- No. - He's not back there.

Say, what's your favorite food?

I don't know. White boiled potatoes.

I thought you liked spaghetti.

- It's alright. - Alright?

- It's fine. - You always--

Willie.. Willie, I-I'm going to open this cage.

No. No, wait.

What's your mother's maiden name?

What's a maiden name?

Well, you know it's the name she had before she was married.

- Kate. - No, her other name.

- Her last name. - Halligan.

- Oh, Brian! Honey! - Brian..

- Are you alright? - What happened to ALF?

I let him go.

- Oh, honey. - I'll go check out back.

Brian, why?

He told me the change was over.

- I'm really sorry. - Oh, honey, it's alright.

But what were you doing up in the middle of the night?

I thought I wanted some milk.

Maybe it was ALF trying to call me in my mind.

No, I-I-I don't think so, Brian.

The gate to the Ochmoneks' is wide open.

Oh, no. Lucky's over there.

Ah, I-I'm going next door and see if ALF is there.

You, you stay here in case he comes back.

[sighs]

Oh, well, you-you'd both better go back to bed.

- I can't sleep now. - I'm hungry.

Alright, alright. We'll, uh..

We'll stay up and have a snack. W-what would you like?

- Spaghetti. - White boiled potatoes.

[knock on door]

(Trevor) 'Hey, Raquel!'

[snoring]

Raquel!

Oh.. Oh, was I snoring again?

I'm comin'. I'm comin'. keep your shorts on.

Who could that be at this time of night?

It's probably the airport asking you to keep it down.

[knock on door]

Alright, alright, alright.

- Hey, Tanner. - Trevor.

- Hello, Willie. - Oh, hi. Hi, Raquel.

I'm sorry to bother you this late at night

but, I just came over..

I-I-I was hoping I could get Lucky.

I mean, Lucky, our cat.

Oh. At this time of night?

Well, we were worried about him.

It's his first night away from home.

Yeah. I had a feeling. Raquel, get the cat.

I can't go near that cat. You know it makes my feet swell.

Oh, yeah, then you'll be wearing my shoes again.

I'll get the cat.

- I'm sorry, Raquel. - That's alright.

Willie, can I get you something?

I just bought one of those international coffees.

- No! - Something without caffeine?

No, no.

No, I don't need anything from the kitchen.

I can't find the little fella anywhere.

[machine whirring]

Hey, what's going on in the kitchen?

[whispers] ALF!

How long do you preheat these for a cat?

Give me that!

[laughing]

What's so funny?

This toaster oven..

Is it a toaster, or is it an oven?

Why are you holding it?

Haven't you ever felt the need to just hold something?

I just found the strangest thing.

An open can of minestrone in the kitchen.

Oh, that was probably the cat.

Your cat opens tin cans?

It's amazing, I know.

We're trying to get him on "Letterman."

[crash] Oh, my!

That better not be my cologne.

Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

ALF, we're going home.

- I want that cat. - No!

Alright. Who needs him?

There are a million cats out there! Give me your car keys.

ALF, we're gonna go home, right now!

No!

[laughing hysterically]

Look.. Ow! Ugh!

He broke my glass eye.

- I'll buy you another one. - You got that right.

[machine whirring]

Raquel, that sounds like your riding mower!

[gasps]

- Oh, no! - Hey!

Where you going with my toaster oven?

(man on radio) 'Unit Six treed cat at 13-1-4-5 Julio Street.'

'What? Hoolio Street?'

'I hate this town.'

- Where was that again? - Uh, uh, uh..

13-1-4-5 Julio Street.

Oh, no.

I should've seen this coming.

What?

We're running out of those little flags.

(man on radio) 'Unit-9, proceed to 105th and Decker.'

'Investigate break-in at Pete's House O Pets.'

Well, here's 105th and Decker.

Look, dad. It's nowhere near Julio Street.

ALF can't be doing all those things.

Well, you're right, of course.

How far could he get on a lawn mower?

(man on radio) 'All units in the vicinity proceed to County Zoo.'

'Investigate report of a missing tiger.'

Oh, my gosh, ALF.

Oh, no, even ALF would have more sense

than to kidnap a tiger.

Yeah, you're right.

Lynnie, let's get in the car drive around the neighborhood

one more time and see if we can find him.

But, what if he's got the tiger?

Then they won't be hard to spot.

Hey, where you guys off to at 4:00 in the mornin'?

Oh, uh, just, uh, goin', uh, out for, uh, a drive.

Hey, keep an eye out for Raquel's lawn mower, eh?

Say, Trevor, speaking of eye out

uh, I'm really sorry about what happened to your..

Hey, forget about it. I got a drawer full of them.

Listen, uh..

I know we don't talk much and this may not be the right time

but, uh..

I'm not a happy man.

(woman on TV) 'One, two, three, burn that tummy.'

'You can't hit the beaches if you can't see your feet.'

'Three..'

- No luck? - Nope.

We did find the lawn mower, though.

Oh, good, I won't have to buy Raquel a new one.

You will if you can't get the bonsai trees out of the blade.

[sighs] Anything on the police scanner?

Just a couple of domestic spats.

One of them was at the Ochmoneks'.

Brian? Honey, you have a headache?

No, I'm thinking of a fork.

I'm trying to get ALF back.

Metal telepathy.

I'm the one who let him get away.

I've got to make him come back.

Honey, he'll come back when he can.

- If he can. - Lynn.

Well, by now, his 12 hours are up.

I'm sure he's come out of it and he might not know where he is.

Dad, something terrible could have happened.

Alright, let's just try

to think positively about this, okay?

I-I'm sure that he'll be home soon.

Hey, and he-he never misses "Captain Kangaroo".

[thud]

(Lynn) 'ALF! Oh.'

Excuse me, but..

...do you good people have a fork?

The mind reading worked!

- Oh. - Oh, ALF.

ALF, a-a-are you alright?

Yeah, yeah, fine.

- Why do you ask? - Well, we were so worried.

- Where were you? - Out.

Well, do you think this thing has run its course now?

To quote Yogi Berra, "It ain't over till it's over."

There's still one more stage.

Well, what stage is that?

Quoting people.

And as Mercutio said "All's well that ends well."

No, no, no, Mercutio said

"It is not so deep as a well

but it is enough, it will serve."

- Oh, right. - Mm-hm.

But, "To err is human, to forgive, divine."

Plutarch, I believe.

Well, at least you've recovered.

- Sort of. - Yeah.

Or as Marcel Proust said

"We are healed of suffering

only by experiencing it to the full."

Or was that Marcel Marceau?

No, that couldn't be right.

Marcel Marceau said..

[instrumental music]

Or in the words of Dustan

"It ill-becomes us to jest at a fallen potentate.

And still less before he has fallen."

Say, how much longer are you gonna do this?

Well, if I may quote Porky Pig

[imitating Porky Pig] "Th-th-that's all, folks!"

And speaking of Porky..

[sniffing]

Do I smell bacon?

- No. - Well, I'd like to.

I thought you spent the whole night eating..

Eating cats.

I don't think I did.

At least, I don't feel bloated.

But now that you mention cats

I do remember storing something in the garage.

The garage? You, this way.

Well, if you've stolen any cats they're going back immediately.

- You understand? - No problem.

I-I-I'll take him back right after breakfast.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]