Original subtitles

If anybody wants me, I'll be in the whirling hot tub.

We don't have a whirling hot tub.

I know. I'm going to improvise.

- Any mail for me? - No, sorry.

- How about me? - All of it.

But, ALF, I-I don't want you joining any more record clubs.

Fine, fine.

Oh, hey, before I forget

I'll need you to write out a couple of checks.

One to Greenpeace, the other to the Auto Club.

You're a member of the Auto Club?

I like the magazine.

I'm not writing any more checks.

Well, fine, my checks just came.

Oh, darn. I ordered sunrise.

They sent me sunset.

- Go take your bath. - Fine.

I wish these insurance companies would leave me alone.

I'm already fully covered through the Auto Club.

I just know he's gonna get hair in the drain.

He was wearing a shower cap.

Why was he carrying my mixer into the bathroom?

He said something about a whirling hot tub.

(ALF) 'Whoa!'

- ALF! - Oh, my gosh!

ALF? Are you alright?

ALF?

There must be some mistake.

I'm Wayne Schlegel, Michigan Life And Casualty.

[theme music]

[music continues]

Wayne Schlegel?

Michigan Life And Casualty.

Heh, heh, heh.

Pleased to meet you.

What is he talking about?

I'm talking about your future.

I'm talking about an insurance plan

that will fit your needs.

I-I think he's trying to sell us insurance.

Maybe the bump on his head did something to his memory.

Well, he seems okay otherwise.

He just thinks he's Wayne Schlegel.

Michigan Life And Casualty.

Look, he must've been reading this insurance stuff

in the bathroom.

Please take one of our free calendars.

Thank you.

Oh, the metric tables.

- Listen, ALF. - Wayne.

Wayne..

...I th-I think that you should sit down.

Don't mind if I do. What was your name again?

Kate.

And I'm Lynn..

...Tanner!

Right. Kate and Lynn Tanner.

Don't tell me. You two are sisters, right?

Heh, heh, heh.

ALF, I want you to stop this.

You are not an insurance agent.

You're an alien from the planet Melmac.

Whatever you say. The customer's always right.

Now, if I can find my actuarial table.

ALF, she's serious. Don't you remember?

[electronic device beeping]

Willie? Wha-what's that?

Oh, my gosh. It can't be!

The lights. What happened to the lights?

Daddy, daddy, what's that thing in the sky?

- What's going on? - It's closing in fast.

I think maybe we better..

[crash]

We...we have a visitor.

Well?

Well, offhand, I can think of several policies

that cover roof damage.

But, of course, since this is a pre-existing condition

you couldn't claim it under a new policy.

We're not getting through to him.

What are we going to do?

I don't know. Just..

...don't sign anything.

We're back.

You must be Mr. Tanner.

Good guess, umm, ALF.

Wayne Schlegel.

Michigan Life And Casualty.

Huh? Wha.. What's going on here?

- ALF is...an insurance agent. - You got a job?

No. Dad, ALF took a bad fall on the hot tub.

And we think he lost his memory.

Oh, no. But we don't have a hot tub.

Well, that's good, Willie, because we don't cover hot tubs.

- It is Willie, isn't it? - Yes.

We don't cover hot tubs.

We've been trying to snap him out of it.

Maybe we should call Dr. Jeff.

No, no, Dr. Jeff doesn't handle this kind of a thing.

- Who does? - Dr. Demento.

- ALF.. - Wayne.

- Wayne. - Willie.

ALF, you're not an insurance agent.

It's not that we have anything against insurance agents

but that-that's not what you are.

You're an alien.

I can't believe it!

What do you think it is?

A real alien!

(Kate) 'Willie.'

'Willie, what is it?'

Brian's right. It's an ALF.

- What? - An ALF.

An A-L-F. That's short for alien life form.

Can ALF stay in my room?

No! No, this thing is not staying in anyone's..

It's not staying!

Why not? ET got to stay.

ET was a movie. This is real.

This is on our coffee table.

Well, you people sure spin some crazy yarns.

Heh, heh, heh.

Mind if I use your phone to call the office?

Office?

I seem to have forgotten my number.

Well, it's right here on your business card.

Oh, eh.

Willie, let him call.

Maybe he'll realize he isn't Wayne Schlegel.

Hi, hon. Wayne.

Yeah, I'm at 5-5-5-4-0-4-4.

Any messages?

Wayne, why do you sound so funny?

Is your wife with you?

No.

Good, then we can talk.

Where were you today? I waited at the motel for over an hour.

Uh, I don't remember.

Yeah, well, listen, buster, if you think I'm gonna wait around

for you forever, you are out of your mind.

'Either you ask for a divorce tonight, or we are through!'

Okay, okay! I'll ask her for a divorce tonight.

Boy, you have a couple of drinks, a few laughs..

...they think it's forever.

This has gone far enough.

You obviously haven't met Brenda.

Neither have you.

Now, look, you're not an insurance agent.

You don't know anything about insurance.

A few months ago, you didn't know anything about this planet.

[rattling]

It's the day before Christmas! I've hidden all the eggs.

Alf, we hide eggs at Easter, not at Christmas.

Oh, that's right.

Christmas is when we carve the pumpkin.

Oh, well, there's plenty to keep you occupied.

We've got, uh, magazines. This is a jigsaw puzzle.

- It's broken! - That's the object.

You're supposed to put it together.

Why? I didn't break it.

Uh, ALF, how-how would you like to go outside

uh, throw around the ol' Frisbee?

- The old what? - The old Frisbee.

Yeah, here. I'll-I'll show you how it goes.

I guess I'm not in the mood.

Alright, let me see if I've got this reindeer thing straight.

There's, uh, there's Dasher..

...Dancer..

...Comet, Cupid..

...Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

No, it's Prancer, Dancer..

...Vixen, Blitzen..

Huey, Dewey, and Louie.

No, those are ducks.

Then how do they pull the sled?

Just keep your distance, alright?

And try to be considerate.

No problem.

That is not considerate!

That is the opposite of considerate!

That is inconsiderate!

So, now, isn't it obvious you're not this Wayne Schlegel?

The only thing that's obvious

is that your minds aren't on insurance.

Listen, nobody likes to think about the inevitable

but you do have a responsibility to your family.

- He's right, dad. - We don't need insurance.

And I hope you never do. Knock wood.

But I'll leave some brochures.

You can call me when you're ready to talk.

By the way, Willie, are you parked behind me?

- I don't think so. - Good.

Where did I put my coat?

In fact, where did I put my pants?

Oh, my God! I'm naked!

Well, not to us, you aren't.

Okay, so you're free thinkers, but I'm not!

I want my keys, I want my pants, and I wanna leave.

- Don't let him go! - Oh!

- Out of my way, all of you! - No!

Oh, no.

First, you strip me.

Now, you're holding me prisoner.

I've heard about this happening to other insurance agents

but I never thought it would happen to me.

[instrumental music]

You can't keep me here!

This is for your own good, Wayne. I mean ALF!

You're in big trouble, mister.

You're going to go to jail for this.

You may never get out!

And if you do, just try getting insurance!

Please, please, ALF. Just, just try to calm down.

And maybe, maybe things will start coming back to you.

I don't want to calm down. I'm a high-energy salesman.

How do you think I made the Million Dollar Club?

Look around you, ALF

doesn't any of this seem familiar to you?

Is that what this is all about?

Did I have an affair with your wife too?

[alarm ringing]

- Morning. - Morning.

Hey, I'm sorry.

One thing just led to another, Willie.

No, no, no.

I think we can be reasonably sure

that that did not happen.

In fact, at first, the two of you

didn't even really..

She detested you.

[both screaming]

- Willie! - Willie!

- What's going on over there? - Nothin'.

Just screaming.

- Move out of the way. - No problem.

Let me put it this way, Willie.

I don't think this is going to work out.

I'll take care of it. Everything's fine.

Everything's under control.

[toilet flushing]

Interesting concept.

So we straightened that out.

I didn't have an affair with your wife.

Now, if you'll just give me my pants.

I can't let you leave.

Look, if the plan is to hold me for ransom

you could forget about it.

My company has a policy of not negotiating with terrorists.

We do, however, have some other policies

you might be interested in, Willie.

In fact, I could set you up with a whole life..

- How old are you? - I'm 45.

Hmm, 45. We better act fast.

I could set you up with a whole life policy

that will benefit you and your family for years to come.

Just think about this, Willie.

[humming]

Oh, eh, hello, Dr. Schnegmeier.

Uh, yeah. Uh, listen, uh, doctor..

...it seems that a, a houseguest of ours has, uh..

...come down with amnesia.

No. We can't bring him in.

Uh, listen, isn't there some kind of, you know

home remedy we can try?

Breathing into a paper bag or.. What?

What does he say to do?

Hit him on the head with a rolling pin.

No, I don't think that's funny.

No, I don't watch "The Three Stooges."

You're right, I should.

Uh, listen, doctor, I-I think we'll try the hospital.

Yes, I-I'm sure he has insurance.

Bye-bye.

Should I get the rolling pin?

No. We can't hit him on the head with a rolling pin.

At least we shouldn't.

We certainly can't take him to the hospital.

So we're stuck having an insurance agent

living in our laundry room.

Why does ALF keep doing things like this?

Oh, mom, it's not like this is his fault.

He's like a three-year-old.

You have to keep your eye on him constantly.

["Old Time Rock 'N' Roll" on tape player]

¶ Just take those old records off the shelf ¶

¶ I'll sit and listen to 'em by myself ¶

¶ Today's music ain't got the same soul ¶

¶ I like that old time rock 'n' roll ¶

¶ Don't try to take me to a disco ¶

¶ You'll never even get me out on the floor ¶

¶ In 10 minutes I'll be late for the door ¶

¶ I like that old time rock 'n' roll ¶

¶ Still like that old time rock 'n' roll ¶

¶ That kind of music just soothes the soul ¶

¶ I reminisce about the days of old ¶

¶ With that old time rock 'n' roll ¶¶

[music stops]

Maybe we should have called first.

Well, I had the music pretty loud

I probably wouldn't have heard the phone.

[gasping]

So how was the shower?

- Look at this! - What in the world?

ALF, what are you doing in my dress?

Sorry, I thought it was Lynn's.

You've really done it this time.

Any semblance of faith or trust I had in you is gone.

Willie, my jewelry box is missing!

So are my good gold cuff links..

...and my good watch!

And my antique cameo!

Where are they?

Probably being pawned.

The police are here.

What'd you do, ALF?

Sure, blame the guy in the dress.

Now, don't make a sound. Stay right here.

And take off that dress!

Alright, but I feel it only fair to warn you

I'm not wearing anything underneath.

Willie, my man, I gotta tell you

this thing flies like the wind.

Where are you? Where, what happened?

I don't know.

All I did was turn the engine on

before I knew it, I was on the freeway.

What freeway?

(ALF) 'The one headed for Oxnard.'

[vehicle honking]

Nice move, buddy!

Yeah? You're another one!

ALF, ALF, pull off the road.

Pull the car off the road.

I can't. I'm in the fast lane.

Although you'd never know it

by the way these clowns are driving.

Come on, lady! This ain't a parade!

ALF, don't yell at other drivers. They'll see you.

No way. I'm driving too fast.

Hey! Ever hear of a turn signal?

Just look, ALF, listen to me. Look at the road signs.

Try to find out, locate exactly where you are.

Well, eh, I just passed the Motel 6.

Hey, they're having a beekeepers convention.

[buzzing]

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!

Ow! Gotta go!

Could you hold this wire while I turn on the juice?

- Sure. - Right there.

You know, that's my shortwave radio!

Do you know how long I..

L-o-o-ng.

It took me ten years to put that thing together.

I'm glad to see you haven't wasted your life.

First, the phone. And now, the radio.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what about the phone?

You're on it all the time.

Fine! First, I can't use the radio.

Now I can't use the phone. What next?

The curling iron? Your toothbrush?

- You use my toothbrush? - Yours is the green one, right?

It was.

- William Tanner? - Yes.

I've got a delivery here for you from the Terry Faith Company.

Hold it, wait just a minute. I'm not signing anything!

No signature is necessary.

This was all paid for over the phone.

I'll be back with the rest when I get a bigger truck.

Keep the faith.

Four thousand dollars.

Yep, that matches my total.

ALF, how were you able to purchase $4000 worth of makeup?

Plastic! I put it on your Visa.

Oh, incidentally, you're over your limit.

[groaning]

Whoa!

Grease fire! Grease fire!

(Kate) 'ALF!'

(Willie) 'Oh, no! Oh, no!'

(ALF) 'Never mind the curtains, put me out!'

Well, we did get new curtains.

The other curtains were new curtains.

Maybe we can get Wayne to give us ALF insurance.

Before we moved offices, we must have only had maybe 12

1500 square feet.

'We were literally packed in there like sardines.'

Huh! Well, that place was so small

I had to go into Sadowsky's office to change my mind.

Heh, heh, heh.

Where are you going with that?

I thought Mr. Schlegel might want a snack.

Heh, heh, heh.

Of course, in our new place..

Oh, by the way, did I give you a business card?

'In the new place, the traffic flow is much better.'

And we've got a men and a women's restroom.

Yeah. Well, the underwriters are pretty happy about that.

Boy, they sure are. I've never seen them so..

Are you listening, Willie?

[knocking on door]

You know, I liked you better as an alien.

You were annoying, but you were never boring.

Oh, hi, Brian.

I brought you a snack, Mr. Schlegel.

At least somebody has compassion!

What is this junk?

Your favorite food. Donuts and brownies.

What are you trying to do, kill me?

I'll have you know I've got a very delicate stomach.

[burp]

Nice meal, Kate.

Even though the portions were extremely small.

I'm sorry we had only one pot roast.

Well, you two get these holidays straightened out

I think I'll just go make breakfast.

Not necessary, I already made breakfast.

Sloppy Joes and fiberglass.

There's hair in this tuna fish.

I like it.

He must be hungry. He didn't even say grace.

Grace.

Is something wrong?

(female #1) 'Some people won't eat red meat, some won't eat sugar.'

Some won't eat fried foods or dairy products.

You didn't eat all the cat food too, did you?

No way! I draw the line at intestinal by-products.

Take this food away, son.

I'm not eating until you let me go.

[sighs] What am I going to do?

I know.

What if I..

What if I show you a mirror?

Alright, maybe I need a shave.

Is this the face of an insurance agent?

Yeah.

Alright, I'm no Burt Sadowsky

but then Burt Sadowsky's not in the Million Dollar Club.

This isn't.. You're not an insurance agent.

You're an alien. Can't you see that?

Listen, Willie, what do you want from me?

You obviously don't want a policy.

I want you to get your memory back.

Is that it?

Okay. Hey, hey, it's coming back to me now.

It's like a veil being lifted. I'm-I'm an alien.

Yeah, that's what I am. And I'm from the planet, uh, Milsap.

- Melmac. - Fine. Can I have my pants now?

You're not going to leave here!

Hey! We had a deal, Willie.

I'm sorry. You're just going to have to trust me.

It's far too dangerous for you out there.

Mrs. Tanner, we've received an anonymous tip

that you might be harboring a space creature.

- Space creature? - Yes.

Hairy. About three feet tall.

Is, um, is he considered dangerous?

Hard to tell until we get it to the lab.

And, uh, what would you do if-if you did get him?

You know, in the lab?

The usual battery of tests.

We'll see how it responds to intense heat, freezing cold.

High voltage, toxic substances

pain, sleep depravation

inoculation, that's needles.

And of course, dissection.

[gulping]

Why don't you just..

...pull its toe nails out?

You didn't let me finish.

I know what that is, it's an anteater.

Are you sure?

Yeah, and it's against the law to shoot anteaters.

What are you talkin' about? You can shoot anteaters.

[spits]

'I don't care what he is.'

I'm gonna take him out and butcher him.

[gasps]

Why do you always get to do all the butchering?

Because you usually end up mutilating all the good meat.

I'll get the chainsaw, you make the salad.

[grunts]

Trevor, is there such a thing as a cross

between a kangaroo and an aardvark?

(Trevor) 'Aw, stop putting yourself down.'

I'm not talking about me.

I'm talking about that thing

'staring at me from that bathroom window.'

(Trevor) 'What?'

I don't see nothin'.

Well, it was there a second ago.

And I think it was shaving.

Yeah, right. And I'm Sean Penn.

[gasps]

Alright, let's see if I'm following this, Willie.

There are people out there who want to hurt me.

So-so you're protecting me by locking me

naked in your bedroom and feeding me sugar.

Something like that.

I'm gonna go find Kate and see if she's found anyone

to help you.

Yeah, see if she can find any help for you!

It's obvious I'm not gonna make this sale.

I'm not getting anywhere with him.

D-did the doctor give you any advice?

Yeah, but it didn't help.

Mrs. Ochmonek has my rolling pin.

Dad, isn't there some sort of a psychiatric hotline

we could call?

Yes. 5-5-5-8-5-3-3.

I-I memorized that number when ALF moved in.

Oh, sorry, ALF.

ALF, what are you doing on the phone?

Ha! your goose is cooked now, bucko!

I've called the police!

[laughing]

He's called the police.

I can't believe you called the police.

Believe it, pal. What goes around comes around.

What are we gonna do when the police come here?

Well, why don't you tell them that they're aliens

and then take their clothes?

Look, who took whose clothes!

You don't know the mistake you just made!

Yeah? Well, you're the one who's making a mistake.

Tangling with a man from..

(all) Michigan Life And Casualty.

Now the cops are gonna lock you up.

And you'll get a taste of what it's like to be a prisoner.

I already know what that's like. Thanks to you!

I can't believe ALF actually used your shortwave

to call the president.

Shh!

I don't know what happened.

All I know is somebody used my radio.

And now I'm a criminal, and they're going to hang me.

Willie, I don't think they hang people anymore.

But they think I'm a threat to national security.

A terrorist.

Kate..

...I'm not a terrorist.

Honey, I know that.

I'm not going to prison.

I saw "Midnight Express."

You remember?

They made him eat bugs.

Th-that was "Papillon."

In "Midnight Express," they broke his feet.

I stand corrected.

How about "Stir Crazy?"

That wasn't so bad.

That was a comedy.

Willie, stop.

It's obvious you have to tell the truth.

Of-of course the truth.

I'll just, I'll explain it to them.

An alien took control of my radio.

"Uh, why would he do that?" they'll ask.

And I'll say, "Because I wouldn't let him use the phone."

So you were an ex-con?

Then you're familiar with your Miranda rights.

Look, I'm not the one who's going to jail here, buddy!

You're not my buddy. You're not my buddy!

But you could have been if you hadn't taken my pants.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

It's for Wayne Schlegel.

Hello?

Wayne?

Wayne...I'm sorry I lost my temper.

But you see Tubby had just come in

and dumped a whole stack of workmen comp files on my desk.

And then he had the nerve to ask me to alphabetize them.

Oh, I guess I just took it all out on you.

Look, honey..

I pressured you, Wayne, and I'm sorry.

I know that wasn't part of our arrangement.

Look..

...if I have to share you..

...so be it.

There's enough of Wayne Schlegel to go around.

So let's just pretend the whole thing never happened

and I'll meet you in our usual place in half an hour, okay?

I'd love to, but I can't. I'm being held hostage here.

Oh, sure, just like the last time

when you had to go to Sweden to accept the Nobel Prize.

We are through, Mr. Schlegel!

In fact, right after I finish alphabetizing these files

I'm going over to your house

and telling your wife everything.

Goodbye, Wayne Schlegel!

No! Hello? Hello?

[glass shattering]

Oh! I've just lost a perfectly good marriage

thanks to you.

Not to mention a fantastic..

Hey, hey!

...secretary!

What are we gonna do?

Let's look at our options.

We have no options!

The police are gonna come here and search our house

for a kidnapped insurance agent named Wayne Schlegel.

Michigan Life And Casualty.

I thought we didn't have a Wayne Schlegel.

We don't have a Wayne Schlegel.

Instead we have an alien from outer space.

They'll just have to be content with that.

So we're just gonna give up? Is that what you're saying?

Well, it looks like we may have no other choice.

That's very sensible of you.

I'll talk to the judge

and tell him I was treated very well, Willie.

Well, I'm not gonna give up.

- Look, ALF. - Wayne.

No, you're ALF, and I'm Lynn.

We're friends.

Don't try to strike an independent deal.

Don't you remember how close we were?

Oh, ALF.

What are we gonna do with you?

I guess you'll just have to love me

for as long as it lasts.

We will.

¶ Big wheel keep on turnin' ¶

¶ Proud Mary keep on burnin' ¶

¶ Two three four ¶

¶ Rollin' ¶ ¶ Rollin' ¶

¶ Rollin' ¶ ¶ Rollin' ¶

¶ Rollin' on the river ¶ ¶ Rollin' on the river ¶

¶ Rollin' ¶ ¶ Rollin' ¶

¶ Rollin' ¶ ¶ Rollin' ¶

¶ Rollin' on the.. ¶ ¶ Rollin' on the.. ¶¶

Wait a second.

That's rock 'n' roll.

I don't listen to that garbage.

It's nothing but a bunch of satanic messages.

No, that's not true. And you love rock 'n' roll.

You even wrote me a rock song!

I'll play the video for you.

I'm against rock videos!

They contribute to the delinquency and destruction

of the family unit.

Well, this video hasn't done that.

Not yet, anyway.

[instrumental music]

[rock music]

¶ Take a look at me ¶

¶ And tell me what you see ¶

¶ Just another pretty face ¶

¶ Someone from out of town ¶

¶ Who came to hang around ¶

¶ And looked a little out of place ¶

¶ You say you wonder what on earth I'm doin' here ¶

¶ I'm only here to tell you girl ¶

¶ I may be an unknown from the twilight zone ¶

¶ But you're the one who's out of this world ¶

¶ You're the one who's out of this world ¶

¶ Sweet baby ¶

¶ You're the one who's out of this world ¶

¶ I'm spinnin' in an orbit I ain't never been in ¶

¶ 'Cause you're the one who's out of this world ¶

¶ You're the one who's out of this world ¶

¶ Sweet baby ¶

¶ You're the one who's out of this world ¶

¶ I'm spinnin' in an orbit I ain't never been in ¶

¶ 'Cause you're the one who's out of this world ¶

¶ You're the one who's out of this world ¶

¶ Sweet baby ¶

¶ You're the one who's out of this world ¶

¶ I'm spinnin' in an orbit I ain't never been in ¶

¶ 'Cause you're the one who's out of this ¶

¶ You're the one who's out of this ¶

¶ You're the one who's out of this world ¶¶

Well, I admit some of those guys do look like me, but--

They don't just look like you, they are you!

I-I mean that is you!

Yeah, right.

Anything else you wanna tell me

before they haul you off to jail?

ALF, you made me that video because you cared about me.

You thought you loved me.

Loved you? I'm married.

I just can't think of my wife's name right now.

ALF, you are not married. You live with us.

You are a part of our family.

We are not harboring any space creatures!

Fine, thank you. Have a nice day.

Thanks, mom.

Thanks, mom.

Yeah, thanks..

...mom.

I love this woman.

- Thank you, dear. - Oh, happy birthday, darling.

Happy birthday, daddy.

Oh, thank you, son.

- Many more, dad. - Thanks. Thanks, sweetheart.

Thank you, ALF.

Thank..

Oh!

Whoa! Not bad.

Still waters run deep there, William.

So I'm part of the family, huh?

Well, then tell me, what side of the family

does this nose come from? Ha!

That's ALF's laugh!

Whoa! Where did that come from?

See, you're not a blood relative.

You're-you're a part of our family because..

...because of the way you've affected our lives.

- Made them...more interesting. - Unique.

- Fun. - Bizarre.

Pan the room..

...and ready..

...action!

[keyboard music]

¶ Saturday ¶

¶ Saturday ¶

¶ Saturday ¶

¶ Saturday Saturday ¶

¶ Saturday ¶

More emotion!

¶ Saturday ¶

¶ Saturday Saturday ¶¶

Hey, back off there, Willie Bob. Let me give it a shot.

- 'ALF?' - What?

I'm going into a trance now.

Ah-h-h-h-h-h.

Mm-m-m.

[gasping]

You don't have to make rude noises.

That's alright. I don't mind.

Hey, Willie, come here. Listen to this.

Let me know when this gets irritating, okay?

[screeching]

Now! Now!

It's irritating almost at once.

Let me see what Willie's got in his coat?

Oh! Oh, my gosh, it's somebody's hand!

Shh! It's a glove.

Oh!

We appreciate all the trouble you've gone to.

I mean cutting roses so they look like radishes.

And making pate.

And very good pate too.

Wha-what-what's in it?

Oh, let me guess.

There's lobster, there's sour cream

but there's-there's something else.

Play-Doh.

- That's it. - The fluorescent kind.

I wanted it to be special.

I'm just going to go brush my teeth.

Oh, gross! What is that?

It's a slime ball.

- ALF! - I know what you're gonna say.

I shouldn't bring treats to the table

unless I have enough for everyone.

Well, we're in luck.

No, we're not.

You sure?

There's a surprise in the center.

ALF, where did you get those?

Melmac.

I usually buy wild cherry

but all they had left was slug.

(Lynn) 'Oh!'

[piano music]

¶ I just checked into the parasite hotel ¶

¶ They ain't got a porter or a bell ¶

¶ I checked into that parasite hotel ¶¶

- ALF. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Was I playing too loud?

I didn't know you could play the piano.

Well, I was winging it.

It's tough to play without the red keys.

I think you should leave this for a qualified repairman.

Well, Mr. Smarty.

It's Mr. Science.

For your information, I've-I've located the problem.

There's no power going into the high-voltage transformer.

- Hey, you want power? - 'That would help.'

Your call.

[electrical crackling]

[explosion]

Willie, it was an accident.

An accident?

You almost killed me..

...and you say it was an accident?

Alright, let's call it a mistake.

The droid says to the kranvall

"To tell you the truth

"I'd feel even better if she lived

another six light years away."

[laughing]

'Yeah, yeah!'

I-I think that really was a, was a..

Six, six light years away!

I guess you had to be there. I was!

[laughing]

I'll tell you my favorite droid joke.

Wait, what's a droid?

You're remembering! ALF, you are in there!

- He's starting to remember! - Yeah.

I-it must be working.

Quick, let's remind him of other things, like, um..

Like the time you washed dad's camera in the washing machine.

Or, uh, the time you waxed the driveway.

Or the time you built the termite farm in the attic.

Hey, hey, I heard it was the food of the future.

You do remember!

No! I-I don't even know why I said that.

You're getting me all confused. You're-you're brainwashing me!

We just want our ALF back.

Why are you so hung up on this guy anyway?

He seems like nothing but a pain in the neck.

Well, not entirely.

See, why do you think we were so upset

about you calling the police?

It's-it's not because we were afraid of getting caught.

It's because we were afraid of losing you.

I don't wanna lose you, ALF. You're my best friend.

Come on, Brian, give us a hug.

Oh, ALF.

Happy birthday, kid.

I love you.

Yeah, me too.

Well, I'm in the wind.

Ciao.

Arrivederci.

Goodbye.

And goodnight, Mrs. Ochmonek..

...wherever you are.

You missed your ride!

Yeah, I guess I did.

He's staying! ALF's staying!

You gave up Rhonda for us?

Ah, she'll only want me more after a couple of centuries.

Aren't you gonna miss her?

Yeah.

But, uh..

...I guess what it boils down to is..

...I'd miss you more.

You love us that much?

Yeah. I guess I do.

We love you too, ALF.

We really do.

Let's not get maudlin!

Welcome home..

...ALFmeister.

[scratching]

Say, what is that scratching noise?

What scratching noise?

It's coming from your suitcase.

What suitcase?

Lucky, you bad boy! What are you doing in there?

I told him, "No suitcase, no suitcase!"

Argh!

Why would I be putting a cat in a suitcase?

On a dinner plate, I can understand.

Breast of cat, but..

Wait a minute! That's crazy!

But it does sound tasty.

Yo, Kate, where do you keep your casserole dishes?

Why?

The cat won't fit in the toaster.

Cat hairs.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

Persian, '78.

[sniffing]

Could be a '79.

(ALF) 'Your eyelids are growing heavy.'

You are getting sleepy.

You are no longer a cat.

You are a bagel.

- What are you doing? - Hey! You scared me.

- You ought to wear a bell. - What's going on here?

Um, I was, uh, I was just teaching Lucky how to tell time.

[cat screeching]

He's quick! I'll give him that.

No! It's not true!

Brian, go get Lucky!

Alright, syllogism.

Insurance agents do not eat cats.

I am an insurance agent, therefore I do not eat cats.

- Yes, you do! - But you do!

- 'You do.' - I don't!

Right now, I could walk over to that refrigerator over there

you know, take out a couple of slices of whole wheat bread

a little mayo and slap together a BLT.

That's bacon, Lucky, and tomato.

[laughing] Yeah, I could do that.

But I won't.

And why is that?

Because..

...they trust me.

But don't get too comfortable.

I don't know anymore!

Maybe I do, maybe I don't eat cats!

I don't know! I don't..

Lucky! Ah-h!

Yes!

It worked!

He's back!

What about my back?

Yep, he's back.

Are you okay? What do you remember?

Let's see, the last thing I remember

is this big flash of light.

I smiled, because I thought someone was taking my picture.

And that's about it.

Oh, and also that term insurance

is cheaper than whole life.

Well, it's a start.

[knocking on door]

Oh, my gosh, it's the police!

Now, what did you guys do?

I swear if it's not one thing with this family it's another.

Hey, what am I doing in this cheap polyester suit?

Come on, ALF, you'd better go.

Fine, if you all need me

I'll be in the whirling hot tub.

Okay, thanks.

Good news.

- We located Wayne Schlegel. - Oh.

He was in the hospital. His wife got to him first.

We'll-we'll have to go visit him.

I'm so glad we got that cleared up.

I just knew the whole thing had to be a practical joke.

[chuckles]

Sorry we had to search your home.

- I'm sure you understand. - No problem.

I'll send you one of our safety brochures.

Now, remember, 33% of all accidents happen in the home.

And that number goes up when you live with an alien.

Is the heat gone?

Yes.

But I hope you remember what he said

about misusing appliances.

No. I was hiding in the dryer.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[ALF laughing]