Original subtitles

[pounding]

Say, why are you pounding nails in our front door?

To keep the sign from falling.

Don't you know anything about gravity?

Give me the hammer.

Thanks for offering

but the job's already done.

Morning. Morning, dad.

Have you practiced the poem?

- Yes, ALF, but I-- - But nothing.

Let's hear it.

"Goodbye, grandma. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

Goodbye, grandma. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye."

Hmm. Maybe another "Goodbye" in there.

ALF, uh, what's this stuff in this bag?

I prepared a little flight kit.

Nothing special.

Just a few travel necessities.

I emphasize the word "Travel."

Magazines, uh, Kleenex..

...uh, breath mints, antacids

and moist towelettes.

If she stops for anything she might miss her plane.

How very thoughtful of you.

And, of course, the bag will come in handy

in case of turbulence.

Or if they show "Howard The Duck."

Guess what?

I'm not leaving.

- Why not? - ALF, don't be rude.

Why not, Dorothy?

I could just kill Estelle.

She's decided to spend a few more days with her daughter.

Now, now, where does that leave me and all my plans?

[sighs] Honestly, I hate doing this, but..

Well, I'm gonna have to stay here a little while longer.

You know, there's a nice motel down the street.

Just a thought.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music on TV]

(woman on TV) 'Margo says she doesn't know who's been'

'sabotaging the oil rigs.'

'She thinks it might be Jeremy'

'because of the fake bracelet incident with Nina'

'on devil's island.'

[vacuum whirring]

'Gomez had a motive, too.'

[whirring continues]

What are you watching?

Right now, your rear end.

I can't believe you're actually watching

"Midwest General."

What's wrong with "Midwest General?"

Total sleaze.

All you see is violence, revenge, murder.

That's not true.

Gomez just entered a short story contest.

[vacuum whirring]

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

Turning on a good soap opera.

"One World To Hope For."

That's not a soap opera

that's a sleeping pill.

Quiet. I want to see what's happening.

I'll tell you what's happening

the same thing that was happening a year ago.

The show needs a plot transplant.

Shh!

Butch, I really want you to know

how proud we are of what you did in that farmhouse.

But, mom, that was almost a year ago.

(ALF) 'No kidding.'

Maybe so, Butch..

...but when you put down that rake

and told us you were our son..

...that's not a moment we'll soon forget.

The very next day, I conceived Alison.

Then I was wrong.

It was two years ago.

Boring!

Give me that back.

What do you see in this thing?

I see love, compassion, warmth

concern for humanity.

Incidentally, when are you leaving?

Soon. I'm leaving soon.

You were supposed to leave last week.

You can see my bags are packed, ready to go.

I'm leaving when I'm leaving.

Well, I'm glad we narrowed it down.

No wonder you can't appreciate "One World To Hope For."

You see, the people on this show

they care about each other.

That's because they share a common bond..

...bad scripts!

Lucky could write better than that.

I could write better than that.

You write? When would you find time?

If you're not stuffing your snout

you're watching television.

- ALF! - What?

- You know what? - I want to see the x-rays!

- No! - Let me guess.

Arguing about the television again?

Well, Kate, you know how much I love

"One World To Hope For."

The orange bath mat here wont let me watch.

Orange bath mat?

Listen here, you Bronx giraffe!

My mother is a guest in this house

I want you to treat her like one.

- Well, thank you, Kate. - Guest?

Isn't there a statute of limitations on that word?

ALF.

Kate, the woman doesn't respond

to subtle hints.

ALF, my mother is welcome to stay here

as long as she wants.

However long that may be.

As a matter of fact, mom, why don't I, uh

put your suitcases in the closet?

Oh, sure, honey, if you feel they're in the way.

Dust off the cobwebs first.

[vacuum whirring]

You feel like going out?

Yeah. Let's party.

Gee, I wish you wouldn't let her get to you.

You know where she is right now?

She is at the market, buying a decent tile cleaner.

Decent tile cleaner.

She'll be gone in a couple of weeks.

Sure. First, she said a few more days

then she said another week, now, she says two more weeks.

She didn't know that Estelle

was gonna sprain her ankle, you know?

What is a woman Estelle's age doing on a skateboard?

An-and wh-why does mother have to wait for her anyway?

She's a grown woman.

She can fly by herself!

She's a grown woman.

You better put that bag down, honey

you're gonna cut off your oxygen.

That's what I'm trying to do.

You've got to try and pin her down, Kate.

Good idea. I'll get the pins.

We'll handle this.

We'll handle this.

That's right, she's my mother.

Is the word "Mother" capitalized?

Say, what're you writing down over there, anyway?

Who, me?

No, the man-in-the-moon.

Oh, Fred.

I don't know. He never writes, he never calls.

Hurry up, the show's about to start.

I can't believe you're actually forcing me

to watch "One World To Hope For."

Well, this is a very special episode.

Now, sit in the middle here, dottie-kins.

Best seat in the house.

Yesterday, you said the fireplace

was the best seat in the house.

That was yesterday.

Look! There's ALF's name.

"Written by ALF Shumway?"

You wrote a TV script?

Yes, I wrote it.

What, all you have to do is write a script

and now they'll put it on the air?

Well, you have to send it in first.

Oh, it's starting.

It's your mother, isn't it?

Yes.

She's been here forever.

W-w-what is she talking about?

That character doesn't even have a mother.

She's driving me crazy.

Do you know where she is right now?

At the market.

Buying a decent tile cleaner.

Put the bag down, Monica, you'll cut off your oxygen.

That's what I'm trying to do.

I have to stir the cheese.

Sit still, Kate. The cheese can wait.

Why don't you just pin her down

and ask her when she's gonna leave?

Good idea, I'll get the pins.

[laughing]

She's here. My mother's here.

Back with the tile cleaner.

- Hello, mother. - Hello, Dorothy.

Her name is Dorothy?

Yeah, but that's not the right tile cleaner. Oh!

Why are you staring at me like that?

You look like you wanna ask me something?

Well, actually, I do.

So, go on, ask me.

When are you gonna leave, already?

Leave? You want me to leave?

No, I want the man-in-the-moon to leave.

Yes, I want you to leave.

I want you to go home

and live with your friend, crazy Miriam.

Mom, wait.

Thanks, a hell of a lot.

Worked for me.

[instrumental music]

How can I write dialogue if nobody's gonna talk?

Come on, people. I've got a deadline.

You've got a poison pen, is what you've got.

Turning our private conversations

into a public spectacle. How insensitive can you get?

Hey, would you mind if I taped this?

There will be no tape recording and no writing!

Kate, that's dangerously close to censorship.

You are dangerously close to being evicted.

Point made.

Look, uh, I realize what I did was wrong

but I'm gonna make it up to you in this new script.

Well, I'm glad somebody cares about my feelings.

Oh, mom, I care about your feelings.

- I'm sorry that I hurt you. - It's okay.

Listen, maybe I should leave.

I'll call Estelle. I'll go home today.

I thought Estelle had a sprained leg?

Uh..

It-it wasn't her leg. It was her ankle.

And I made it up.

- What? - Well, I-I made it up.

I ma-made up the whole story about her ankle

because, uh, I didn't want you to know

that I couldn't stand my best friend anymore.

I mean, she was impossible to live with, so I left.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, are you telling me

that you moved out of Estelle's house?

Yes.

Well, you can't stay here.

How would you like to become a sweater?

Have Dorothy burst into flames.

Mom, why didn't you tell me about you and Estelle before?

Well, you, you would just feel sorry for me

and then you'd ask me to stay.

Good, good. Work it out.

I don't have to feel sorry for you

to ask you to stay in my house.

Are you asking me to stay?

[phone ringing]

I'll get the phone.

Yeah, then leave it off the hook, will ya?

We're on a roll.

Hello.

Who?

Oh, ye..

Yes. Yes.

It's for you, the head writer on "One World To Hope For"

wants to know where the script is.

Says they're shooting it tomorrow.

Oh, good, and I don't have squat.

Hello, Trish doll.

Yeah, yeah, oh, I know I said that

I'd have it in your hands today

but I had to make a few changes.

Yeah, oh, it's a much better script now.

I thought you didn't have squat.

Uh, uh, Trish, quick thought.

How do you feel about having a cat on the show?

A speaking part.

Yeah, you're right. Too sitcomey.

Well, anyway, here's the new ending I decided to go with.

See, I think we need to put more warmth

and likability into these characters.

[instrumental music]

[screaming]

ALF, ALF, are you alright?

Oh, yeah, everything's fine.

Why..

Why do you have those clothespins

attached to your head?

It's a form of acupressure.

On Melmac we use it to relieve writer's block.

Still having trouble with the script, eh?

[sighs] Read it yourself.

"Scene one. Interior living root."

Interior living root?

It's a typo! I mean, give me a break!

- I've only got eight fingers. - I'm sorry.

Uh, "Monica enters

she says, 'Good morning.'"

Well, what's wrong with that?

Willie there's no one else in the room with her!

I've got the woman talking to chairs!

Oh, I'll never have this finished by tomorrow.

Listen, you ought to try to relax, ALF.

Relax. Sure, relax.

I've got a deadline.

I mean, I promised to put likability

and warmth into these characters.

You know, I had a, I had a case of writer's block once.

I was writing a term paper for my art history class.

Or-or-or was it my comparative religion class?

What, are you dictating your autobiography?

- I'm trying to help here. - Well, you're not!

Well, look, why don't you just start writing.

Write anything that comes into your head.

Just put down the first thing that pops into your head.

Fine.

[keys clacking]

- "I have writers block." - Monica wouldn't say that!

- See, Monica wouldn't say that! - Don't panic here, ALF.

Don't panic. Don't be so nervous.

Nervous? I've had 50 cups of coffee.

I'm so wired I had to strap myself to this chair.

Is that my belt?

If you're not gonna help, go back in the house.

I can't go back in the house.

There are two women in there who aren't speaking to each other

or to me or to you.

In fact, ALF, you've written us into this...this mess

now, you've got to write us out.

Alright. Alright. I will.

Put on another pot of coffee.

[screaming]

And get some more clothespins.

You're all gonna love this episode, I promise.

This script is so full of love, compassion

and understanding, that you'll throw up.

That good?

Oh, hi. I'm sorry I'm late. Did I, did I miss anything?

- Just lunch. - Oh, honey.

There's some blintzes on a plate near the stove.

- 'Oh.' - Those were for him?

We still have the plate.

I don't eat stoneware. Unlike some people.

Look, look, there's the mother. How about that, huh?

They even dressed her nicer.

- Good morning. - Mother.

Does this mean you're speaking to me again?

Monica..

...you're my daughter.

Not some alien from another planet.

I wrote that as a joke, they left it in.

Mothers and daughters are bound to have

their little quarrels and conflicts.

It's part of this whole wonderful thing we call life.

You're right, it is nauseating.

I-I think that it's sweet.

I mean, i-it lets us know that, uh

just because a person says

a few unkind things about someone

it doesn't mean that they don't love them.

So, by the same token

I hope you'll be able to forgive me

when I tell you what an ungrateful

self-centered little tramp you are.

Self-centered little tramp?

Why, just who do you think you're talking to

you bossy, loudmouth freeloader?

Tramp?

- Freeloader? - They changed my script!

Now, calm down, Monica, she's not worth it.

Huh, that's not what you said

when you left my bedroom last night.

They changed his script.

She's lying. I never went anywhere near her bedroom.

She's done nothing but lie

since the moment she walked into this house

and told us she'd only be here a few days.

I am not going to sit here, and eat toast

and listen to this!

ALF, how could you?

I'm telling you, I didn't.

They were hugging and kissing in my script.

I had nothing about toast.

And did you see that centerpiece?

I mean, who's doing props over there, Rip Taylor?

Well, I am sick of having this

entire visit shoved in my face.

Where are the famous suitcases?

Mom, I don't want you to go.

Well, once again you've brought harmony

to our household.

That's not what I wrote.

Here. Here. This is what I wrote. Read it.

There's not one word of violence in there.

And I cut out all the sex too.

- Sex? Who had sex? - What sex?

It's gone, I said.

You know, I think ALF is telling the truth.

Thank you.

I mean, about the fight anyway.

There's, there's no fight in her, but..

You do use a lot of "You knows."

I know.

Well, I'm just gonna pack the rest of my things.

Come back here! You're not going anywhere.

I mean, not until you read the scene I really wrote.

You could at least give me that.

Well, you-you just give me one good reason why I should.

Okay. I'll give you one reason. Kate.

Now, come on. Turn to page 18.

Let's all read it out loud.

Kate, you be Monica.

Dorothy, why don't you be Dorothy.

"Mom, it's not that I don't want you to live here

"it's just that I'm a married woman.

I have a life of my own, you know?"

This is so silly.

Come on, come on. Just read it!

"You're right, it was wrong of me to impose.

"But, you know, I just couldn't help it.

I tried, but, you know, I couldn't."

You do use a lot of "You knows."

They bother you, drop 'em!

Say, doesn't the father have any lines?

Willie, sometimes less is more.

Monica?

"You feel a little lost since dad died, don't you?"

"It's not easy living alone.

"That's why I moved in with Miriam, crazy as she is.

It was someone to talk to, you know?"

Now, that one works.

"I like to be with people.

"I like to take care of them.

Maybe I go too far sometimes that's because I care too much."

"Miriam asked you to move out, didn't she?"

Yes.

Estelle asked you to move out?

That's why your mom came here.

She didn't want to be alone again.

- How did you know? - Writer's intuition.

I also called Estelle.

And by the way, you're right, she is crazy.

Estelle told me that I was bossy and meddlesome

and she couldn't stand another day living with me.

I don't care what Estelle said.

You're my mother, and I love you.

I don't know what to say.

Right there, middle of the page!

- What? - The script.

Oh.

"You know what, Monica?

"My best friend didn't kick me out.

"My best friend..

...is right here."

Oh, mom.

No, no, no.

First, you open the champagne

then you hug.

Oh, nobody reads stage directions.

[instrumental music]

She's a baby. Dating?

(Kate) I know, seems like..

- 'Hi, honey!' - Oh, hi, guys.

(Dorothy) 'Willie.'

- Honey, are you alright? - Yeah. Yeah.

Say, Dorothy..

...are you sure you don't want me

to store these up in the attic?

Uh, no, Willie.

Listen, I plan to find a place of my own

as soon as possible.

Well, you know, you're more than welcome

to stay here as long as you like.

No, I know that, kids, but ALF is right.

I've got to try..

Wait a minute, how'd he phrase that?

"I've got to start to make a life of my own."

- ALF told you that? - Well, not exactly.

- It's in his new script. - New script?

ALF, would you come out here?

We'd like to talk to you for a minute.

Make it quick, Kate

things have just started to flow again.

ALF, uh, I thought that you gave up script writing.

Yeah, I thought you were so upset with the rewrites

you were never gonna write another script again.

- I wasn't. - So what happened?

The check came.

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]