Original subtitles

[creaking]

Perfect.

Oh, hi, humans. Welcome aboard.

[sighs] It's a good thing we went to the market.

Are you comfortable?

For the moment, if I've arranged things right.

I won't have to move from this spot all day.

I hope things work out for you.

Thanks. That means a lot to me.

Oh, darn.

I just can't quite seem to reach the VCR.

Well, don't even think about getting up

I'll take care of it for you.

Thanks, saves getting a wrist full of..

Jane Fonda's workout.

I like to watch her while I drink my coffee.

Listen, grab a plate and help yourself.

The forks are chilled.

Maybe later.

Cracker?

[doorbell dings]

That's probably the doorbell.

Uh, well, whoever it is I'll get rid of 'em.

I mean, we can't have anyone disturbing you.

Yeah, tell 'em to take a hike.

Mom!

So good to see you.

[theme music]

[music continues]

It's my mother.

Grandma!

Not your grandma.

Lynn and Brian's grandma.

Oh! What brings her out this way?

ALF, the kitchen, the kitchen, now.

Alright, huh!

Willie, grab the pasta maker.

Just go!

- Who's at the door? - Grandma.

Where is she?

They're making her stand outside.

- Get out! Get out! - Go!

Mom! Come in.

Are you sure?

Mom..

- It's been too long. - Oh, I know.

- What a surprise! - Yes, a long time.

- Oh! - Hi!

- Hi, grandma. - 'Lynn, Brian!'

- Grandma! - Give me a hug!

- Are they feeding you? - Yeah.

Obviously not enough, that was a very weak hug.

Mmm! I like that one. That was good.

Hi, grandma.

Another weak hug.

Oh.

Better.

Hi, Dorothy.

Hello, Willie.

Anyway, I am off to Hawaii with crazy Estelle.

And we figured we'd spend three days in Los Angeles

while she visits her daughter, I'm visiting my daughter.

Oh, honey, that hair is much too short for that face.

You look good too, mom.

I'm so glad you're here for lunch.

Tell me, what's your mother feeding you these days?

Oh, good food!

- Sandwiches! - Sandwiches?

Well, listen, tonight I'm gonna make you something substantial.

Mom, I'm, uh, I'm cooking dinner tonight.

Oh, listen, we'll talk about it later.

Oh, I brought gifts!

- Gifts? - No!

- I always brings gifts. - I meant..

No, no, you needn't have brought any.

I didn't bring any for you.

I thought you'd be on the road.

Why would I be on the road?

Well, you are a salesman, aren't you?

No, no, I-I work in social services.

Mom, you knew that.

That's right. I don't know what I was thinking of.

Willy Loman, "Death of a Salesman."

I know. Crazy Estelle's son-in-law crazy Steve.

He is a salesman, and he does very well.

Okay, Brian.

Here you go.

A scarf!

That's right. Hand knitted by grandma.

I remembered how cold it gets in here.

Mom, the house doesn't get that cold.

Oh, honey, maybe not for you

but these children have no body fat.

Here you go, Lynn. This will keep you nice and warm.

Oh, thanks, grandma. It's beautiful and...thick.

It's very important for children to wear warm clothing.

I cannot emphasize that enough.

Mom, the children have plenty of warm clothing.

As a matter of fact we just bought them

new jackets and sweaters.

Honey, you cannot get really warm clothing in a store.

Well, so far the kids have been able to survive

these brutal Southern California winters, mom.

Kate, are you being sarcastic?

Yes, I am being a little bit--

Darling, that is so..

(together) ...unbecoming.

I hope we're not gonna fight.

Maybe grandma should stay with crazy Estelle.

No, grandma, stay with us.

Momma won't fight with you.

Will you, mom?

No, no, I don't wanna fight.

Well, good. Neither does grandma.

Okay, you kids help me with my luggage.

- Okay! - Here you go, Brian.

And tonight..

...I'm gonna make you a nice, home cooked dinner.

Well, mother is here.

It's only for a couple of days.

Yeah, I know.

Yo! I have a question.

Is grandma staying here going to affect me in anyway?

Help! I'm locked in a garage. I'm-I'm without food.

Someone please call Mike's Pizza Barge

and order one humongous, with everything on it.

Yeah.. Oh, yeah, wait a minute.

Make that everything, except beets.

Emphasize that. No beets!

Oh, never mind, my jailers are here.

It's about time. I was beginning to feel faint.

Many pardons for the delay, Lord Shumway.

He must be hungry. He didn't even say grace.

Grace.

Great food, Kate. You finally learned how to cook.

My mother made that.

Really? I'd like to meet her.

ALF, you're gonna have to stay in the garage for a few days.

Why, because I insulted your mom's cooking?

Come on. Let the punishment fit the crime.

ALF, uh, you, uh, you can't come back into the house because uh..

...my mother is going to be staying with us until Tuesday.

Let her stay in the garage.

Well, I can't let my mother sleep in a garage.

Alright. Let the mutant sleep in the garage.

We don't think you as a mutant.

- You think of me as your son? - No.

So I'm somewhere between a mutant and your son?

I'm-I'm a game show host.

ALF, it's just for three days.

That's enough time for my sprit to be broken.

ALF, don't you think you're being a little overly dramatic?

Overly dramatic?

Overly dramatic? Kate, there's no TV in here.

We can let you use the small TV.

The black and white one with the one inch screen?

Good! I'll tape it to my eyes.

Why don't you just tell grandma about me?

ALF, we can't.

Well, fine. The charade continues.

Besides, I don't think you and my mother would hit it off.

Don't be silly. I get along with everybody.

I'm a people alien.

Well, you've never come across anyone like my mother.

What is it with her?

I mean, she walked into the house and took over.

I hate when people do that.

Some people are not as considerate as you are.

Well, I think what we have here

is your basic parent-child dynamic.

Every daughter feels the way you do about her mom.

Well, not every daughter.

Oh! Oh, absolutely not.

Look, all I'm saying is your mom knows how to push your buttons.

Now, I suggest you confront her.

ALF, I can't confront my mother.

- Why not? - I don't know, uh..

I guess it goes back to my childhood.

You see, I was an only child and I think that..

I think that my mother was over protective of me.

In fact, I-I think that she loved me too much.

[ALF burps]

Why am I telling you this?

I don't know, I'm barely listening.

Lynn ate all my banana bread.

Oh, I'm sorry, it was great.

Mom, do you think I could get the recipe from grandma?

It wasn't that good.

No. I don't even know wh-why I said that.

Oh, good save.

Here, Brian, why don't you put

that right by grandma's suitcases.

Okay.

Here you go.

A nice, home cooked meal.

Must be grandma's recipe.

Just eat it.

Mom, grandma's gonna be gone in a half an hour.

Right, right. I got through three days.

I can last another 30 minutes.

- Where is grandma? - She's cleaning the bathroom.

I just cleaned that bathroom yesterday.

And you did a great job.

That's not what grandma said.

It was spotless.

Oh!

[sighs]

ALF, ALF, get back into the garage

my mother is still here.

I've had it with the garage

and I've had it with your mother.

This is my home. This is where the bathroom is.

ALF, grandma's in the bathroom.

What does she have, squatters rights?

That does it. I'm gonna have to file a grievance.

[door opens]

- Mom, ALF, she's coming. - 'ALF.'

- Go. - The kitchen, go, go.

I'm going, I'm going.

Boy, somebody took a grumpy pill.

[telephone ringing]

I'll get it.

'Hello?'

Who packed my suitcases?

Uh, I did.

I thought you might wanna save time.

Look at this. You put all my underwear on the top.

Kate, that is so tacky.

Uh, grandma, it's for you. It's crazy Estelle.

I wonder what that crackpot wants now.

[sniffs]

Too much oregano, honey.

- 'Thanks, sweetheart.' - You're welcome.

What is it, Estelle?

What do you mean you're gonna be late?

N.. Now you see that?

You see that? You always do that to me, Estelle.

You know I hate running for planes.

'I'd..'

Well, you are aggravating me.

Oh, come on. Everybody likes me..

Fine! Just go to Hawaii by yourself then.

Yeah, I hope you fall into a live volcano, Estelle.

Good news?

Late! She always has to be late. It's like a-a sickness with her.

You-you are still going to Hawaii, aren't you?

The woman is so selfish.

I mean, that's all she thinks about

is herself, self, self, self.

You wanna know why she is always late?

Because she spends two hours putting on make up.

[laughs] As if anything could help that face.

You are still...going to Hawaii, aren't you?

She was actually late for her own husband's funeral.

And her makeup was on crooked.

As matter of fact, so was his.

But you are still going to Hawaii, aren't you?

One thing is certain

I'm not going to Hawaii with a crazy woman.

I'm gonna stay right here.

[ALF groans]

Garbage disposal.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

You know, your mother really is amazing

you can see yourself in those tiles.

Who cares!

Not me.

I guess I was just talking from the top of my head.

I'm sorry.

But it's driving me crazy

the way she is treating me like a child.

I don't know, maybe you should do what ALF suggested.

Maybe you should confront her.

(ALF) 'Right on.'

ALF?

[grunts] Who else?

What are you doing under there?

Trying to keep warm. The garage is freezing!

Listen, I couldn't help overhearing

the grandma discussion.

How long have you been under there?

Just the last few nights.

Anyway, about grandma..

Were you under there on Sunday night?

Don't worry, slept like a baby.

Didn't hear a thing.

Now, what are we gonna do about grandma?

I don't know, ALF, uh, I don't know what we can do about her.

Well, I can't sleep under here every night.

You got that right.

And I'm not living in the garage any longer.

Unless you decide to put in a hot tub

and a big screen TV.

- Forget it. - Okay.

Then grandma has to go. Here's my plan.

You tell her that the house is built on a fault line.

Then some morning you wake her up and scream.

Earthquake! Earthquake!

And you guys walk around the house going

whoa, whoa!

I don't know, hmm..

How does that go again?

- Whoa, whoa.. - More arm motion.

'There you go. Yeah!'

Wait a minute. So what if we do tell her about ALF?

How could we tell her, Kate, what would we say?

Uh, I guess we just have to sit her down

we'd have to ask her if she's ever seen "E.T."

Why do you keep comparing me to E.T.?

I'm nothing like E.T.

You know, someday, Willie, someone from Melmac

is going to ask me what you're like.

And I'm gonna say, well did you ever see "The Nutty Professor?"

Oh, for crying out loud.

The best way to tell grandma about me is to do it quickly.

I'll go wait in the kitchen for her.

She usually has a snack around now.

No, ALF, you will not talk to her. You will do this our way.

Okay. Don't get your nightie in a knot.

It's your house. I respect that.

Goodnight.

(ALF) 'Hey, go for it, Willie!'

Alright, alright. I'm leaving.

[ALF humming]

Well, this ought to be good. Here she comes.

[humming]

Hi, grandma!

Oh, my God!

Have a seat.

Who are you? What are you?

A little background.

My name is ALF. I come from the planet Melmac.

I'm a member of a civilization

millions of years ahead of your own.

And now I live in a laundry basket

next to the washing machine.

Cup of java?

I know.

I know you're something Willie made.

He's always making crazy things in the garage.

Take my word for it, I'm a space being.

And since you've been here, I've had to live in the garage.

Let me ask you something.

Why are you so hard to get along with?

Kate's easy going. Is she adopted or something?

Anyway, my advice to you would be

lighten up on her, be nice.

Oh, yeah, another thing.

Stop poking me!

We'll talk again.

When you are a little less touchy feeling.

Ya-ya-ya!

Okay, I'll make the break..

Good morning, grandma.

Oh, my God! It wasn't a nightmare.

Sit down. Take a load off.

You mean, you-you actually do..

...live in this house?

I thought we covered that last night.

I just can't bring myself to..

I guess you two have met.

It introduced itself last night.

Listen, I know you wanted to introduce me

but, uh, I couldn't stand being in the garage any longer!

There was a spider in there, th-this big.

Well, now you know, mom.

We live with an alien from outer space.

Kate, I had such high hopes for you.

I sense some negative vibes here.

Why don't we just discuss this over breakfast?

Good idea!

Good morning. Good morning, grandma.

Good morning, ALF.

- Uh-oh. - Uh-oh is right.

You met ALF! Isn't he great?

Is he going to eat at the table with us?

ALF always eats with us.

What does he eat, kibble?

I resent that. I don't even know what kibble is

but I resent that.

Huh! This is wonderful.

He sits at the head of the table.

Well, Dorothy, he's comfortable there.

I-I don't really think it makes all that big a difference.

Well, I only figured that the head of the household

should sit at the head of the table. That's it.

It doesn't matter where anyone sits

and we all know who the head of this household is.

- Juice? - Yeah.

Oh, how about some of those Belgian waffles

with the sugar sprinkled on them?

- You know how I like them. - We're having pancakes, okay?

Fine. If that's all we've got.

He sits at the head of the table

he decides what you're gonna have for breakfast.

This little mop from the moon is running your house.

Mop from the.. Mop from the moon?

How could you be so ignorant?

There are no mops on the moon. Ha!

I didn't mean that literally.

I meant that as an insult!

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Well, if I had a straw and a napkin

I would fill you so full of spitballs..

Do you hear how he's talking to me?

Listen, either she goes, or I go.

Which is it, Kate?

Well, do you actually have to think about this?

No. Yes!

Wait a minute, wait, wait.

Nobody is leaving and nobody is staying.

Good strong stand, Willie.

No wonder you don't sit at the head of the table.

Well, I never thought my own daughter

would wanna throw me out of her house.

Grandma, no one's throwing you out.

You have wanted me to leave ever since I got here.

- You got that right. - 'ALF!'

Well, it's true.

Would you just stay out of this, please?

Is that true, Kate?

Tell her.

[sighs]

Yes. Yes, it is true.

Kate, a little less direct.

Mom, you drive me crazy.

You come into my house, you take over

you make me feel like I can't do anything right.

Well, I..

I...don't do that.

- Yes, you do. - ALF!

What?

You have turned my daughter against me!

You have used some cosmic powers to take over her brain!

Grandma, no one's been brainwashed.

Mom has felt like this for a long time.

She was just afraid to tell you.

You know, this is your fault!

You are responsible for this whole thing!

I make things happen, I'm a catalyst.

- Listen to me, mom. - Tsk.

Listen. I love you.

But this is our house..

...and as long as you wanna be in this house

you're going to have to follow some rules.

What, what kind of rules?

Uh, no going for rides in the dryer.

No chewing on any part of Lucky's body.

ALF, those rules only apply to you.

Not fair. Why does she get to chew on Lucky?

She doesn't. She doesn't.

Uh, the rule was, no going for rides in any appliance.

Well, look, you know, I don't know

if I can memorize the whole bunch of rules.

There's only one rule that's really important.

Treat your daughter like an adult.

You did a wonderful job of raising me

why don't you trust me to do the same?

Oh, Katie, I do trust you.

I don't. I-I will. I want to.

I-I love you.. I'm sorry.

I.. Just tell me. Tell me what you want me to do.

- Oh. - Just mellow out, granny.

Come on.

Let's have breakfast, huh?

Great. I'll make breakfast.

Mom..

...I'll make breakfast.

Oh, honey, every time you make pancakes, they come out watery.

What? Mom..

Yes. Okay. Right.

I'll just go sit down..

...way over here.

[instrumental music]

Here you are, Brian, try this on.

Oh, no, not another gift!

What are you trying to do, buy the kid off?

- It's too big, grandma. - You'll grow into it.

Until then, Willie could use it as a car cover.

Ha ha!

Oh, sure. Go ahead, make jokes

and after I made you a gift.

A gift for me? Let me see. Let me see.

What is it?

A muzzle!

Ha ha!

Very funny, very funny.

[theme music]

Ha ha!