Original subtitles

[theme music]

[no audio]

[music continues]

(ALF) Thursday, 6:30 p.m.

It started out like any other night.

Meatloaf.

The third time that week.

But I digress. Here's what happened.

I was being my usual charming self

spending some quality time with the Tanner lad.

See, when you bend Missile Man's head this way

he becomes a communications satellite.

- Whoa. I'm impressed. - See?

Yeah. What does Missile man become

when you bend him like this?

He becomes broken!

Oops. Sorry, B.

Lynn, we're gonna be late for the shower.

Has anybody seen the yellow ribbon?

I don't know. What color is it?

Ha! Yeah! I kill me.

Ha-ha! You kill me!

Brian, no arguments, it's time to get ready for bed, okay?

(Brian) Aw, sorry, ALF, I guess we'll have to play later.

Obviously not with Missile Man.

Oh, wait, here's that ribbon.

But...it's wet.

Forgot to tell you. You're out of floss.

Maybe there's a chance I can find some ribbon

without meat on it.

Not in that drawer.

I might have some meatless ribbon in the garage.

Forget the ribbon. A blender doesn't need ribbon.

Okay, you have Joanna's number, right?

We won't have any problem. Brian's going to bed.

I've got a lot of reading to catch up on

and I'm sure ALF will find something to do.

Make sure he doesn't.

[telephone ringing] Oh, I'll get it.

Hey, don't worry about the old ALFer.

Channel 9's running "Psycho."

Oh, by the way, we're out of popcorn.

I'll put it on the shopping list next to floss.

No chance to run out now and get it, I suppose?

Right. I'll just see if I can scrounge

a few kernels from the sofa.

Ready. What do you think?

- I love that dress. - Thanks.

- 'Willie, we're leaving.' - Oh, hold on, hold on.

That-that was Herb from the office.

The computer's down, he can't access the files.

I've got to go in and reload the back-ups.

- You have to go now? - I've got no choice.

- The budget's due tomorrow. - Oh, honey.

- We can't leave Brian alone. - I'm here.

Well, maybe I could take him with me.

It's a school night. He goes to bed in ten minutes.

I'll stay.

Well, you can't, you're in the wedding party.

I'm not.

This is just great. What are we gonna do now?

Ahem! Hello? How about me?

- For what? - To sit with Brian.

What do you think?

Do I think we should let an alien from outer space

watch "Psycho" while our son sleeps in the other room?

Hey, no problem.

Just leave me the keys to the liquor cabinet.

Maybe we can get Mrs. Ochmonek to sit.

Good idea. I'll call her.

Nice to know I'm trusted around here.

ALF, ALF, ALF.

When you ask for the keys to the liquor cabinet--

Hey, William, I was kidding!

Ha-ha! I mean, don't you get it?

Do you think I'd actually go near the liquor cabinet

or even take my eyes off the kid for a second?

Come on, get with it, these are the jokes, man.

The jokes.

The jokes. Yeah, oh..

[laughs]

I'm sorry, I-I guess I misunderstood.

I guess if we knew you were kidding..

Mrs. Ochmonek will be here in five minutes.

Thank God!

Bye.

So, this is my prison for the night.

It's not a prison.

It's our bedroom.

One man's bedroom is another man's prison.

Well, there's plenty to keep you occupied.

We've got, uh, magazines, this is a jigsaw puzzle.

Mm-hmm.

- It's broken. - That's the object.

You're supposed to put it together.

Why? I didn't break it.

Uh, here's your favorite comic book.

"Shanna, Mistress of the Universe."

I don't want Shanna.

I want Mrs. Bates.

ALF, we'll run "Psycho" another night, okay?

Now, if you can just promise

that you can stay completely away from Mrs. Ochmonek

then maybe, in the future we'll let you baby-sit.

Don't toy with my emotions, Willie.

I'm not. Look...ALF..

...you think you can keep your end of this bargain?

Mrs. O will never know I'm here!

[doorbell dings] I'll get it!

- Oh, ALF. - Just kidding! Just kidding!

Come on, where's the fun around here?

Oh, you're a life saver, Mrs. Ochmonek.

Oh, please, it's Raquel.

And it's my pleasure.

Trevor's watching some stupid ball game

so this works out just fine. Channel 9 is showing "Psycho."

So I hear.

Willie, have you been having trouble sleeping lately?

No, why?

Well, far be it for me to pry

but recently it's seems your TV has been on awfully late.

You know, now you mention it

I-I really have had trouble sleeping lately.

You know, I couldn't help but notice

how much garbage you've been putting out lately.

Well, if I didn't know any better

I'd think you've been taking in boarders.

[laughs]

Look, you know how it is, when I can't sleep, I-I eat.

My Trevor is the same way.

Is this a new lamp?

Uh, Mrs. Ochmonek, Mrs. Ochmonek?

Uh, I really have to go now. Here's the number.

I'll only be gone a couple of hours.

Don't worry about a thing.

Oh, and, please, uh, stay out of the bedroom.

If-if you don't mind, it's, uh, it's kind of a mess.

Whatever you say.

"Please stay out of the bedroom."

Who does he think I am, a snoop?

(woman on TV) 'Thank you. The room seems very nice.'

(man on TV) 'Yes, but its kind of stuffy though.'

'Let me open these windows.'

(woman on TV) 'Why, thank you, I..'

(ALF) Meanwhile, in the bedroom

I was just finishing the jigsaw puzzle..

...when I heard the haunting strains of the movie

I so desperately wanted to see.

(woman on TV) 'Thank you very much. You've been very kind.'

'Uh, I was wondering..'

'...is there a diner or a cafe open nearby?'

(man on TV) 'Yes.'

'There's one ten miles down the road.'

(woman on TV) 'Oh. Ten miles?'

(man on TV) 'Oh, but you're not going to drive there in this rain?'

(woman on TV) 'No, I'm not.'

- 'I was wondering..' - 'Yes.'

(man on TV) 'Well, seeing as though the rain'

'and I'm all alone..'

'...I was wondering whether..'

'...you'd like to come up to the house.'

'There was some..'

(woman on TV) 'Why?'

'You're very kind.'

'If you're sure it's not an imposition, I really...'

'I know you weren't expecting company'

(man on TV) 'Oh, no.'

'On the contrary, I'd be delighted.'

(woman on TV) 'Well, I'd like that very much, thank you.'

(man on TV) 'Why don't you..'

'...freshen up..'

'...and, when supper's ready..'

'...I'll come down and call for you.'

(woman on TV) 'Thank you. Thank you very much.'

(man on TV) 'Well...thank you.'

'It won't be a minute.'

(ALF) I learned one thing about eating jigsaw puzzles.

An hour later, you're hungry again.

Yo, Pizza Barge.

Yeah, I'd like to order one large special.

The works. To travel.

167, Hemdale.

Grazie.

Oh, oh, and listen, uh

could you leave it by the oak tree

in the backyard?

I don't know, I'm superstitious.

[indistinct chatter on TV]

[screams] Oh.

[intense music on TV]

(ALF) I decided to go outside and wait for the pizza.

Big mistake.

Whoa!

Oh!

[intense music on TV]

Trevor, get over here quick.

I think there's somebody else in this house.

[indistinct chatter on TV]

Trevor, what took you so long?

The Dodgers batted a round.

Now, what's so important that I have to leave the game?

I think there's somebody else in this house.

I heard a scream.

[woman screaming on TV]

Don't wake me up when you come home.

It wasn't the TV!

The scream I heard came from the back bedroom.

Maybe it was the cat.

No cat would scream like that.

Maybe it was in heat.

It sounded like a human scream, and it came from this room.

[crickets chirping]

Alright, alright, I'm goin' in.

If I don't come back, you can start dating.

I already tried it, it's locked.

Now, it's open.

What are you, narrating this?

(Mrs. Ochmonek) I'm scared. Willie even told me to stay out of this room.

- Look in the bathroom. - Oh, for crying out loud.

- Hey! - Trevor, what is it?

(Trevor) They got one of them cushioned toilet seats!

Let's get one, Raquel.

I'm tired of living in the dark ages.

Just check the window, will you?

There, it's locked!

Now, if you don't mind, I'm goin' back and watching

the Dodgers blow a big lead.

(ALF) As for me, my only thought

was to get back to my room..

...and rake myself.

[indistinct chatter on TV]

[rattling]

[creaking]

(woman on TV) 'Are you sure you don't know something about all this?'

(man on TV) 'I don't know a thing about it! Have you..'

(ALF) A light snack would hold me over until the pizza came.

Unfortunately, Lucky had the same idea.

[Lucky meows]

[doorbell dings]

(male #1) 'Pizza Barge!'

One super Sicilian. That's me. Here's your pizza.

Sorry, I couldn't leave it by a tree.

It's against company policy.

I don't understand.

Well, you see, the last time we left one

by a tree, a squirrel died.

No, I mean, I didn't order a pizza

and I refuse to pay for it.

Lady, it's already paid for, house account.

Oh, well, in that case..

What about my tip?

Here, is this enough?

Oh, sure, in some states I can still make a phone call.

"In some states I can still make a phone call."

Trevor, did you order a pizza and have it sent over here?

What are you talking about?

Well, the strangest thing just happened.

A pizza arrived already paid for.

You're tellin' me you've got a pizza there?

- That's right. - I'll be right over.

Tsk. Ah.

[gasps] It's gone!

[knock on door]

Trevor, you're not gonna believe this, but it's gone.

- What's gone? - The pizza!

You didn't even leave me a slice?

I didn't eat it, it disappeared!

'Trevor, something is going on in this house.'

Between the-the noises and the screams

and this pizza thing!

What are you talking about?

There's a pizza over there on the counter.

Well, I'll be go to the market, it's back.

- "I'll be go the market?" - Yes, it's back.

Mmm! Delicious!

Could be a little hotter.

Trevor can't you stay here and watch the game?

I don't wanna be alone.

Take it easy, Raquel.

I haven't seen you this bad since the eclipse.

Fine! Then you tell me where the pizza went.

I'll do better than that. I'll tell you where it's goin'.

(ALF) I had done everything I could think of to pass the time.

One thing was certain, blue was not my color.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

What are you doing answering the phone?

I live here.

Where's Mrs. Ochmonek?

She lives next door.

I know she lives.. Where is she now?

I don't know, last time I saw her

she was giving away my pizza.

Pi..

I called to speak to Mrs. Ochmonek.

Just a minute, I'll get her.

No! Don't move out of that room!

I'll call back.

It's your dime.

Kids.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Why do you keep answering the phone?

- You keep calling. - Is everything alright?

Everything's fine. Oh, oh, and the cat's going to be okay.

The cat? What happened to the cat?

I closed the refrigerator door on his tail.

What? What were you doing in the kitchen?

Well, I had to break in the back door

after I fell out the window.

Where are you now? What are you doing?

I'm in the bedroom wearing a blue dress.

Don't move from that spot!

Where would I go? I don't have the right shoes.

I'm coming home.

I should have locked him in the garage!

Kids.

[rattling]

Brian, is that you?

[gasps]

[telephone ringing]

Yeah.

Trevor, get over here, quick!

Forget about it, Raquel.

I'm not puttin' my pants back on.

But I think I saw somebody in the bushes.

Maybe it was another pizza.

Operator, this is an emergency.

What's the number for 911?

(ALF) And then it happened.

He came into my life.

At first, I thought it was Santa Claus.

Then it soon dawned on me.

Santa probably wouldn't smell of cheap wine.

Besides..

...he was beginning to fill up his bag

with stuff that didn't belong to him.

I was scared stiff.

But I knew I had to do something.

I realized for that moment

I was the man of the house.

Uh. Excuse me, sir.

Uh, may I have a word with you?

Who said that?

I did.

Can you take some constructive criticism?

What you're doing here is wrong.

[chuckles]

It must be one of them talking dolls.

Oh, yeah? Ever have a talking doll rip out your voice box?

[screaming]

- Oh! - Oh!

Oh, Mr. Tanner, thank God you're home!

This evening has been a nightmare.

- So I heard. - Oh! Oh!

- No, no, Mrs. Ochmonek! - Ah!

I don't know what's going on here.

I hope that police get here soon.

Police?

Weird things have been going on

in this house all night.

Especially in your bedroom!

Lynn, uh, take Mrs. Ochmonek into the kitchen

and give her some tea.

Okay, mom.

Come on, Mrs. Ochmonek.

Would you prefer herbal tea or regular?

I'd prefer scotch.

So, how was the shower?

What in the world..

ALF, what are you doing in my dress?

Sorry, I thought it was Lynn's.

You've really done it this time.

Any semblance of faith or trust I had in you is gone.

I can explain.

What could you possibly say

that would explain what's happened in this house tonight?

Tonight, I set a thief on the straight and narrow.

What are you talking about?

Willie, my jewelry box is missing!

So are my good gold cufflinks.

And...my good watch.

And my antique cameo! Where are they?

Probably being pawned.

Wait a minute, look, look. Look!

There really was a thief in this house tonight

wasn't there, ALF?

Two of 'em. One took your jewels, the other took my pizza.

The police are here. What'd you do, ALF?

Sure, blame the guy in the dress.

Now, don't make a sound. Stay right here.

And take off that dress.

Alright, but I feel it only fair to warn you

I'm not wearing anything underneath.

Come on, lighten up.

Boy..

Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Tanner, we're responding

to your call. Can you identify this property?

- That's my jewelry box. - Those are my cufflinks.

Uh, this man chased our car for two blocks

claiming he'd stolen this merchandise.

I did. I swear, I did. I deserve the maximum penalty.

Relax, pal.

If you'll come down to the station

and fill out a report you can, uh

reclaim your property, if you want it.

- Yes, we do. - Fine. Let's go.

Ask him. You said you'd ask him. Now, ask him.

Um, this man claims he saw some

hideous creature with a huge nose.

Wearing a blue dress.

He says it talked to him.

It did. I swear it did.

Thank you, Lynn. I think I'll be going home, now.

Excuse me.

Well, at least he can't plead insanity.

Have a good night.

[sighs]

- Willie-- - I know what you're thinking.

But we got through it. Everything's alright.

Everything's back to normal.

(ALF) 'Hey, could somebody unzip me in here?'

(ALF) On May 18th

Andrew Seminick was convicted in municipal court

of breaking and entering with intent to commit burglary.

He waived his rights to a jury trial

in lieu of psychiatric help.

Mrs. Raquel Ochmonek

wasn't as fortunate.

She was sentenced to life with Trevor.

He swung on his friggin' own pitch. I knew it! Bases loaded!

(ALF) As for the old ALFer

I remained my usual humble self.

Unaffected by the events of one very strange evening

and my heroic participation in them.

So anyway, there I was

looking Mr. Death in the eye.

Was I scared?

Ha! I said to him

"Hey, pal, you don't know who you're dealing with."

Sausage, Willie, I said sausage!

I'm tellin' ya.

More butter.

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]