Original subtitles

..our first fantastic queen of comedy, Janey Godley!

This programme contains very strong language, deals with Suicide

and Sexual Abuse, and contains discriminatory content.

Under both breasts, I can get two Cornish pasties,

two bottles of Irn-Bru and a sausage dug.

Janey Godley.

APPLAUSE

They're calling you the female version of Billy Connolly.

It's because they don't know how else to tag me.

Our first special guest tonight is an actor, a bestselling author,

a blogger and a multi-award-winning stand-up comedian.

Janey Godley!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Trump how much we hate him!

Let him come here and see the signs!

Got a wee song for you, Gerard. Are you ready?

This is what they call lockdown hair, Bobo.

JANEY: Yous are daein' what I've asked. Yous are BLEEP brilliant.

The weather's going to be hot but you're all social distancing.

My name is Janey Godley. This has been The Comedian At The King's.

Goodnight!

VOICEOVER: Life had been going so well -

but, in an instant, it all came crashing down.

A Scottish government Covid awareness campaign

fronted by Janey Godley has been scrapped

because of what's been described as unacceptable tweets.

These shocking tweets were definitely racist.

I have used phrases, words,

comments with horrifically despicable undertones.

First I got cancelled.

And then I got cancer.

So, Gary Lewis, eh?

I might die before this tour ends, but I'm no' dead yet.

# Don't call it low life

# You're filling your life

# The bright side is my side

# Looking up

# Looking up

# It's the high life and it's my life

# Looking up

# Looking up

# Looking up

# Looking up

# It's the high life

# And it's my life. #

VIDEO CALL ALERT

Jeanette? Jeanette, hurry up. Come here.

I've got something to tell you. Hurry up. Hurry up.

You'll never guess who's moved into the fucking caravan.

Michelle Mone and her man! The two of them.

Fucked everybody for money

and they're staying down the caravan in Wemyss Bay.

I know!

Never dipped her nets. The place is a fucking mess.

Right. Let's save that.

Then get that sent out.

We should get a proper job.

We should, shouldn't we?

Fucking shite that we dae.

Having never experienced somebody with cancer,

to cancer being everything, it's not how you expect it to be.

It's not how they portray it in films or TV.

It's not a dignified little bald woman

slowly slipping out of existence like you see on the television.

How do you feel, Janey? Are you sad?

I'm sad! Oh, no. You've got cancer. Quick! Cancer.

THEY LAUGH

Janey, Janey, is that what it is?

Is that what it is?

Press stop, you fucker.

Press stop.

I always list her as my maddest and easiest client.

Janey and I, in 17 years, have never had any row.

Quite unusual in this business.

And maddest...

Well, because she is!

What are you doing? I'm in Arbroath!

Why are you doing it like Jane McDonald? I'm posing!

Jane McDonald! Jane McDonald! Go away.

This is me in Arbroath.

I mean, who else would have a blood transfusion,

two doses of chemo, and then insist on starting a tour the next day?

SHE MIMES TO MUSIC: # The higher you build your barriers... #

You need to sing with me. I cannae sing. Come on.

# The taller I become... #

The last night of the last tour,

Janey was picking at this food and she hadn't eaten anything all day,

and she was hardly eating anything at all, and I said,

"Janey, when you get back to Glasgow tomorrow, do me a favour.

"Go to the doctor's. I don't think you're right at all."

And that's how it all started.

# Something inside so strong... #

All together, everybody!

# I know that I can make it

# Though you're doing me wrong, so wrong... #

Then through last autumn she was really recovering.

She'd finished chemo, she was getting her strength back.

And we got to just before Christmas

and the bad news that the cancer was back.

# Brothers and sisters... #

Are you OK?

# Well, we know better

# Just look him in the eyes and say

# I'm gonna do it anyway

# Gonna do it anyway... #

Yeah. I'm very fearful of what lies ahead.

I just hope she, from her point of view, not mine,

I hope she gets through this tour,

because I think that would just be a great sort of box ticked for her.

And then, you know, we just need a miracle, don't we?

Well, that's me getting ready to go on stage for the first time.

Ashley's putting her make-up on. How are you doing? Great. Great!

We're in Arbroath. We've had an Arbroath smokie.

Mwah. I'll see you after the show.

CHEERING

SUSTAINED APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It's been such...

..a long time.

I don't even knew why you're here. I'm no' a comedian,

I'm just an over-friendly cleaner that wandered in.

Watch that step, Shirley.

Here, haud that.

That's us going wur holidays.

So this is the Beatson.

It's the first time I've been here. Yeah.

Cafe is open.

Your choices are ham and coleslaw,

ham and mayo. Right. Cheese and onion.

Ham and coleslaw.

Oh, my God, she's dreamt about Al Pacino last night.

I've been watching a programme with Al Pacino in it. Hunters? Yeah.

Fantastic. How good is it?

Aye, I had David Cameron in my dream.

What the fuck? There's something wrang with you, Janey.

I think I'd rather be dreaming about Al Pacino.

I'd rather be dreaming about

an Alsatian dug shagging me, to be honest.

INDISTINCT QUESTION

I usually go, "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck." Aye.

Are we in? We're in. Right, Dolly, there you are.

Do you know what I hate about this place

is when I'm walking past all those doors and I see people just lying.

Aye. And I'm like, "That's what I'm going to be like." I know.

I want to go to a hospice. I don't want to die in the house.

I'll be there the whole way. But try and no' annoy me right at the end.

Might sing to you. Oh, please don't.

# Tiny bubbles... # # All the single ladies... #

BOTH: # All the single ladies... #

And I'll be like, "Oh, just take me now, God."

THEY LAUGH

Folk say weird shit to you when you've got cancer.

People say things like, "How long have you got left?"

I go, "Two days."

And I had to get a hysterectomy, so if you've ever wanted to feel

like a spatchcock chicken, get that done.

I don't know how I'll feel when... I don't know what dying is.

The great thing is, is naebody knows what's there

so it's no' like I can take a Tripadvisor recommendation,

because naebody knows what it is

because naebody's come back to tell us. No.

So...

It'll be the end. That's all I know.

I hope I don't meet all my dying relatives. That'd be really...

Because I don't like a lot of them.

What about the child abuser, Percy?

I hope he's in hell. If there is a place, I don't want to meet them.

Well, God forgives everybody.

I know, but I don't know if

I want to be amongst all they people I don't like.

I don't know how I feel about dying.

Well, it's clearly no' something you want to do, is it?

But if it's... It's in my heid all the time. I know.

And that's the thing about cancer,

is you cannae escape the uncertainty.

Everybody in this room will remember years ago

when your ma was angry but she never opened her whole mouth

to explain it. I'll gie you an example.

My ma's standing in Curley's.

She's only got fucking enough money for the dinner.

I've walked in behind her and went, "Gonnae get a big sponge cake?"

And she went, "Don't fucking ask me for fucking anything.

"I don't have the fucking money for a fucking sponge.

"Get to fuck out my road."

See if my ma was in the hospital

and the nurse went, "I'm sorry but your daughter's gluten,

"she cannae eat bread," my ma would be like, "Just let her die.

"It's awfy inconvenient."

Cannae take a wean back to Shettleston that cannae eat a loaf.

I miss my ma.

You would have liked her. She was funny.

Annie was clatty.

She used to say, "I might be dirty but I'm no' lazy,"

as if that helped.

We always had nits on wur heid or there'd be fleas in the bed.

She just wasnae up to cleaning.

I think it was part of her mental illness, though, you know.

She was addicted to Valium and Mandrax and all that.

You think she would have been quite proud of you

wi' your book and all that?

I think she would have loved the comedy.

I don't think she would have liked

the warts-and-all shite of my family.

I know that when I told her her brother was abusing me,

she didnae like it.

He used to play...

..the radiogram really loudly to cover up the noise of my screaming.

I screamed through Love, Love Me Do quite a few times. Oh, don't, Janey.

Give me that bag and I'll carry that.

Thank you. Right, thanks, honey. Thanks, everybody. Ta-ra.

Tired? Mm.

You all right?

Let me see your hand.

Well, that's going to be a lovely bruise.

Is this the right one? No.

What floor is this? Number one.

Oh, back up. Honest to God.

COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Don't give up easy

# It's a long-haul route

# It ain't up to me when I go down

# When they put me deep in the ground

# I ain't ready for no kingdom come

# I'm way too crazy and way too young

# Things to do, a world to see

# I know there ain't no guarantees

# When I see it's my time to go

# I'm kicking the bucket way down the road. #

What's the time, Craig?

Five to. Cool.

Shall I tell you mair about my nose?

No. Are you sure?

I'm absolutely positive.

What's your show about tonight?

Skills.

What? Skills!

Skills. OK.

What skills have I got, do you think?

We've got our first guest on today. She's a stand-up comedian,

she's from Glasgow, her name is Janey Godley!

Come on my bed, dear.

So when did you first decide you wanted to be a stand-up comic?

Has she always been so hard-working? Yeah.

Hi. My name is Janey Godley.

PLAYS RECORDER

And I'm doing a show this year called Domestic Godley.

# Domestic Godley! #

I went to the Fringe when I was 11 and started flyering for my mum.

I've organised her tours to Adelaide when I was 19,

I took a gap year to help her do international tours.

This has been my job my entire life.

You've come along to support your mother on her tour,

but you're a stand-up comedian yourself.

I don't do stand-up comedy. We do a sketch show together.

We're doing it at Edinburgh this year,

so I think it's the first-ever mother and daughter sketch show.

So, Gary Lewis, eh?

Yeah. Wee bit. Just a wee bit.

Gary's a pal of mine.

Well...

..if he's ever wanted to fuck himself, now would be a good chance.

You're such a strange child, Ashley!

She almost has always lived her life like she's running out of time,

so it makes sense that she is running out of time.

It's weird.

She went, "Naw. We tied it at the top, you've got a stump."

Who doesnae want a stump? I love a stump.

I'm like that to my man, "Do you want a wee pump of my stump?"

INDISTINCT SHOUT

What's that? I've got a sweaty stump like you.

You've got a stump as well? Well done!

Naebody's wanting to pump yours, though.

I love that you've got a stump!

Bet you Peter Kay doesnae get that at his show.

Good on you, darling. Good on you.

I'd show you mine, but I'm at my work.

The audiences have been great.

It's kind of like my mum is taking me round Scotland before she dies

to introduce me to all the other mums

who are going to look after me when she's gone.

I want to tell you one of my ma's old jokes that she used to tell.

I cannae remember my Standard Grade French,

but I can remember her Fringe show from 2013.

She used to say, "Ashley, there's two types of women in this world.

"There's women who can suck a cock...

"..and there's women that can make a pot of soup."

LAUGHTER

"And I've never made your da a pot of soup."

Ladies and gentlemen, I am excellent at soup.

I'm going to go. Yous have been a delight.

There's going to be a break and then more of my ma.

I've been Ashley Storrie. Live long and prosper, motherfuckers!

And goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Everybody's talking 'bout my baby

# Yes, everybody's talking 'bout my baby

# You know her name

# It's all over town

# I don't know what they're putting down

# People stare when we walk by

# But whatever they say she's done... #

That was where I lived, in this corner one.

We're in Kenmore Street, Shirley. This is where I played.

I was born in 84 Kenmore.

Downstairs was Mr Woods.

He used to have a motorbike there.

My ma used to sit at that windae and throw her fags out,

and nearly set fire to his motorbike.

These houses weren't here.

The milk factory!

The milk factory, Shirley, was right there,

and look, it was this shape, like that, and it went like that.

But when the milk factory was shut we used to use the door

to play football or tennis or balls against.

But the milk factory was just full of cats and rats.

All you could hear was...

SHE MEOWS

HIGH-PITCHED: What is it, Stevie? What is it, Stevie? I don't know.

What is it, Ste...? Oh, fuck, it's a rat!

Fuck, it's a rat! Jesus fuck!

Oh, my God! Everybody... Why is it always me? Can you believe it?

Fucking landed on me.

So how do you feel about being back here?

It's weird. It's hard to think that in that house,

I had the worst experience any child should suffer.

But it doesnae look like my house any more.

So did your uncle live with you, Janey?

No. My uncle David was my ma's brother.

He was a bit transient. He was in between houses

because he abused women, as well,

so he couldnae keep a girlfriend or whatever.

My mum used to call him a big streak of pish.

She loved him, it was her brother.

And he never worked, never got a job.

He thought it would be a secret, the abuse.

And as Ashley said, his first mistake was abusing me.

His second mistake was abusing somebody

who grew up to have the loudest mouth in the world.

Never anticipated that, did he?

And then he died in his bed alone.

See when we were seven or eight,

we'd go up to a complete stranger's door in the height of summer

and go, "Can I take your baby out?" And they gave us a baby.

They gave us a baby!

A big giant Silver Cross fucking pram.

Took it down the park.

Put the wean on the grass.

Went on the swings.

"Oh, look, an Alsatian's licking my baby."

I come from a bunch of funny people.

My ma was funny,

and I think I've always been able to make things funny.

Then I got married and we went to run a pub,

where everybody was an audience whether they liked it or not.

So this is now called the Calton Bar,

but when I had it, it was called the Weavers Inn.

And before that, it was called the Nationalist Bar.

What door's yours? That one just up there. Come on and I'll show you.

I lived in both of them.

And I've got a great picture of Ashley

hanging off of this wi' her wee legs like that.

They used to have storm doors. Aye. They're away as well?

Yeah, they're away, because that one doesn't have a storm door.

I wonder how they took the storm doors away.

The storm doors were great.

And then there's these twisty stairs.

CHEERING

Right. Going to sing loud?

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, Ashley-Bashley

# Happy birthday to you. #

Hip-hip, hooray!

Make a wish!

I remember standing here with Ashley

feeling sick, when I was pregnant wi' her.

The memories in all these are so entrenched in my brain.

I mean, I still dream, I dreamt last night I was back in the pub.

MUSIC PLAYING

So, yeah. I remember that hole and they two holes.

So this close was your sanctuary.

It was my sanctuary. Fae the pub. Yeah.

And my man, it's difficult, he's got autism.

I never knew he had autism, I thought he was just a Catholic.

But it turns out...

That's a joke!

It's just dead annoying at times.

Sometimes you just want to do that to his face.

You know like an app?

"Shut down."

He, the man that never wanted a dug,

literally when we're leaving the house, this is true,

puts Honey on the sofa, wraps her all up.

He's going to the dug all nice, like, "Don't you worry,

"we'll be back. We love you. You'll be fine."

See when Ashley was a toddler?

"Hi, we've got a busy shift in the pub. Do you want to take my wean?"

Complete stranger. "Aye, nae bother."

It's beautiful. Look at that smoke.

That's got to be clean air. Yeah, it's got to be.

Is that a distillery? Aye.

Yeah, it's a distillery.

It was this time, the very beginning of April, 1982 -

the Falklands War had just started -

that my ma was killed away upstream, away up near Blantyre.

Peter was a guy that went with my ma.

Peter says that they had gone fishing.

He came home without her, and we went, "Where's my ma?",

and he's like, "I don't know." And he kept that up for days.

And then my brother went over and confronted him

and he stabbed my brother.

April 5th, her body came out up at that bit.

And...

..she'd been in the water for five days.

Naebody ever told me what happened.

I don't think we'll ever get the full facts.

We'll never know.

I tucked it all away inside my head

and waited for something,

you know, just the truth to gie it some shape.

Did she fall in?

Did he hold her under the water?

Did she claw on with her nails against the banks of the river?

Did she try and hold on? Did she shout out?

Was she drunk? Was she alone?

You don't know.

The polis said, "What's the point?"

I said, "She's my mammy, that's the point!"

The polis says, "She was just a wee drunk woman, wasn't she?"

It's like, "Yeah, we should have killed her sooner, you're right."

My father-in-law went, "Well, that's your ma deid."

You know, like it was like Easter.

And my husband, wi' his autism,

he's like, "I don't know what to say.

"It's best we don't talk about it." I was like, "Yeah, OK.

"We'll no' speak about it.""

She was a good swimmer as well. Which really annoyed me.

SHIRLEY LAUGHS

She was a good swimmer! She really was.

Oh, look!

Hello, big swans!

They're manky-looking, aren't they? Aye. The water's dirty, though. Aye.

They're gieing us a wee waggle with their tail.

No, that was a shite. Was that a big shite? Mm-hm. Oh, OK. A big shite.

Factor 50, you're needing.

How are you, all right, aye? I'm good.

Hi there. Hello, Janey, how are you?

Where am I? We're going to go this way.

I'll just pile these here, Janey.

I love seeing the book.

It's such a great feeling.

I mean, I was a wee lassie that grew up in Shettleston

that didnae have any O-levels or anything,

and I used to sit in Shettleston library

to escape the horrors of fucking life.

Not knowing that one day I'll be writing a book

and it'll be in there. Exactly.

Good evening.

The coronavirus is the biggest threat

this country has faced for decades. And this country is not alone.

JANEY VOICEOVER: Face coverings, avoid crowds, clean your hands,

two-metre distance, and self-isolate if you're sick.

Right, I'm heading hame. I've had enough.

Where's my clicky pen? Fucking feet are killing me.

Frank, get the door!

You first.

Aye, so here am I at the Aye Write! festival.

LAUGHTER

I've got on my good knickers.

You're roasting. Am I?

You're literally like a hot-water bottle. Really? Aye.

That's her saying, "Get aff me!"

"Ya eejit!"

Effing eejit.

How are you? I'm good, I'm good.

I've got weekly chemo just now,

then it goes to three weeks and a week off.

Your hair's looking brilliant. I know, but there's nothing...

It's funny, because I've went fae styling my hair

for 50 years, practically,

to doing this now. Look.

That's the upside. I know.

I know, it is an upside, but it's weird.

JANEY VOICEOVER: That's terrible. They're booing Nicola!

Boris is a fanny!

Aye, very good. Very good, Boris, you arsehole.

That's big Jeanette and all the Sandras. They cannae stand you.

That's them out. Who are you? Get in. I don't know who you are.

Right, here's a woman coming. Try and no' touch her, Boris.

Don't dae your Trump. Right, get in.

Frank, open that door!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sorry we're a bit late.

Frank didnae turn up on time.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Before we start, I need to check something.

That Isa, Big Catherine and all the Sandras made it in.

Can you reveal yourselves?

CHEERING

You know, the Covid experience for all of us

was really, really difficult.

There were days when probably the only thing

that made us smile, let alone laugh, was Janey Godley.

So you helped a lot of people through, Janey. Bless you.

The best bit was your face when the journalists said stuff.

I mean, you were really intense,

and I had to really stare at your face

to figure out what I was gonnae say,

and there'd be some guy going,

"Are we allowed to fly a kite on a Thursday?"

Or something really stupid, like,

"Are you allowed to wear flip-flops for two families?"

We're like, "What?" And your face, I could see you going...

Where did Frank come from? Who is Frank?

Frank was guy that used to drink in my pub, and I don't know why,

but any time a bam was in the pub, and he was telt to leave,

I'd go, "Frank, get the door."

And he wouldnae even take his eyes off the book, he'd go, "OK,"

open the door, and then go, "Get out."

And the guy would go out and he'd shut the door

and he'd go back to his book. And that was Frank.

APPLAUSE

What are you proudest of?

Of everything I've done, what am I proudest of?

I think I'm proudest of the Alone series that I wrote

for the National Theatre of Scotland. Yeah. I think that was...

APPLAUSE

..wonderfully arranged - and we did that during lockdown.

I don't know what to do wi' your daddy's ashes.

I've left them in the crematorium.

I just feel as though he's watching me if he's in here.

He's no'...

He's no' watching you, Mum. Just leave them there.

They get rid of them. It's dead creepy bringing ashes home, anyway.

It's very weird. I feel as though he's keeking out that big jug

and looking at me. He's no'. Just leave them there, Mum.

They, they'll deal with that.

They will. How are you doing about it all?

SHE SIGHS

I'm doing fine.

You know, your daddy was such a big presence in here, Stephen.

Your daddy took up so much space. Mm-hm.

And it's weird having that space to myself, I suppose.

I had the best time. You were brilliant.

No, you were, as always.

INDISTINCT

It was good. That was a brilliant audience.

Let's go on tour thegither.

When I saw that Nicola Sturgeon's house got raided,

I was like, "That's terrible." My house got raided

cos my husband's family had guns in the house.

And I remember they came and raided the house and all I could think was,

"They're going through my knicker drawer! That's dead embarrassing!"

I remember they found a tiny wee bit of hash.

My husband didnae know I smoked hash, and there's like,

all these guns are on the floor,

and I've got a wee bit of hash, my husband went,

"Where did you get the hash fae?"

I went, "Where did you get the guns fae?"

Janey Godley is in the studio

and she's had experience of gangs, guns, pubs...

Not really much to laugh about if you look at your biography, Janey.

I didn't know they were... my husband's family were gangsters

when I married them. There were seven sons,

and it was a bit like the Von Trapp family,

but without the happiness and the singing.

You and Dad in the pub.

Oh, perfect.

Who are they?

That's Parrot, and I don't know who that is.

Look at me looking sexy and hot.

God, Janey, that's my vagina.

You were a baby! I know, but, like, really?

THEY LAUGH

What do you think about when you think back to the pub?

We weren't allowed to go back. I know. It was... I think it was...

In our heads, we were doing the right thing, leaving...

..but in our heads we didnae take into consideration

you being ripped out of everything.

You lost your house, you lost the pub that you grew up in,

you lost all your furniture, your familiar surroundings,

is what I'm trying to say. My family. Your family.

Above the bits and pieces, Ma. My family. Yeah.

You lost all them.

They might have been bad people, but I didn't know that when I was eight.

MUSIC PLAYING

We had made an arrangement with my father-in-law

that we were buying it.

And we already had invested a lot of our own money

into the renovation of the building.

Last drink at the Weavers. Where's your drink?

INDISTINCT

Don't swear! Sorry, people.

Ian, gies a smile of your dirty face.

Then my father-in-law died,

and then my brother-in-laws decided

that they would just take over and we would work for them.

They were a bunch of arseholes.

So we were faced with staying there, losing our money,

because we had a deal with the builders, or leave.

And it took 15 minutes to make the decision to leave.

Ashley.

We left everything.

We literally walked out wi' a cat, a bag, a couple of knick-knacks.

I went away to London to work,

trying to get into the comedy circuit down there.

I suppose I was running away, as well.

Mum says she'll phone. Mum said she'll be phoning.

And I was the one that left an irresponsible adult

who was barely coping wi' his own mental health...

And I was trying to make a living, I was trying to make money,

I was trying to stay afloat.

Ashley, stop chasing him. I wasn't chasing him!

Dad was very suicidal. At points, yeah, he was.

It was like making deals.

"Don't kill yourself. Just - for me, don't, just for me."

To this day, I still cannae think of a way through it.

I get that comedy is like your destiny

and you did the hero's journey and you made it to your whatever.

But...we have no money and Dad's not working,

and you pick an industry that's notoriously gender-biased,

class-biased, and age-biased.

And then it just became all of our responsibility

to make sure you became a comedian.

I used to do a club in Glasgow

and it was like a strip club,

and me and all the other comedians used to dae it.

It was creepy and weird as fuck.

"Who here remembers the Banana Splits?"

They're all like, "What the fuck?

"Get out the road, there's a lassie wi' her knickers off."

One day after that my husband and I

were driving down the Great Western Road,

and we stopped on the zigzag lines, and the police came over.

I'm in the shop, I've missed it all.

I came out, the police were charging him for being on the zigzag lines.

He went, "No, I'm going to contest it." So we have to go to court.

So I'm his only witness.

So they get the policeman up who charged him

and, you know, the procurator said, "Do you know this man?

"Do you know him?" And he pointed to the policeman, and I went, "Aye."

He went, "And when was the last time you saw him?"

I went, "Eating a finger of fudge

"out of a stripper's fanny at the nightclub."

My husband got three points on his licence,

but fuck it, the truth's the truth.

I loved being free from the pub.

I had never slept in a strange bed without my husband since I was 17.

I loved not having to be a mammy and a wife and a barmaid.

Now I was couch-surfing and sleeping in people's rooms.

It wasnae just about comedy.

It was about having this sense of self and freedom.

For the first time in my life, I got to be me.

Will you please welcome on stage our first fantastic queen of comedy,

Janey Godley!

CHEERING

How we doing, Bristol?

HORN TOOTS

THEY LAUGH

All right. So here's the marquee down here.

# And I want you

BOTH: # I want you

# And I want you... #

Are these the people here?

Oh, "Trump is still a cunt"!

Good for you.

Shirley, get a picture of that.

Right, just stop moving.

NEWS: President Trump is spending the weekend

at one of his golf resorts in Scotland.

On Friday, hundreds of protesters demonstrated in Glasgow,

Scotland's largest city, against Mr Trump's visit to the UK.

CHANTING: Get Trump out! Get Trump out!

Politicians need to stand up and show some kind of courage.

Donald Trump has been to Scotland several times before,

but this is his first time as President.

Police officers are lining the edge of the resort,

where the president is expected to spend his weekend playing golf.

It's not against the law to stand here, is it?

If somebody objects to you obviously...

But it's not against the law for me to stand here.

No, it's not against the law for you to stand here,

but what we're trying to do is facilitate...

I'm facilitating myself with standing here.

We've been through this, and really, again, I leave it up to the people.

I love the people of Scotland.

Say it loud, say it clear!

ALL: Donald Trump's not welcome here!

I want you to tell me why...

It's an offensive banner. What's an offensive banner?

If you display it, you will be arrested. You have been informed.

You've got your sign, you've got people here,

you're getting your picture taken.

Does it make any odds to him? Is he bothered?

Yeah, he is, because I'll tell you what -

Donald Trump hates not being liked.

If what I do didn't affect him,

why does he keep sending the cops after us?

..Trump how much we hate him!

Let him come here and see the signs.

Line the M8, line the motorways, paint the overhead signs.

Tell everybody how much we hate Donald Trump.

CHEERING

My husband's autism is fucking funny.

A guy on the internet said that my husband was in the IRA,

and he went, "Naw, and I'll tell you for why.

"I don't like a balaclava. I don't like a fabric on my face."

LAUGHTER

So guys, before I go...

Everybody can get your cameras up,

and you can videotape this next bit that I'm going to do

and I want you to put it on social media.

Right, you ready?

One, two, three...

ALL: TRUMP IS A CUNT!

Fucking yes! Thank you, Belfast!

APPLAUSE

I am tired. Are ye knackered?!

THEY CHUCKLE

A Scottish Government Covid awareness campaign

fronted by Janey Godley

has been scrapped because of what has been described

as unacceptable tweets by the comedian.

Ms Godley appeared in adverts giving public advice

under the slogan, "Stop the spike".

She's apologised, saying her words were "horribly offensive"

and the Scottish Government initially said

it welcomed that apology, but after further tweets emerged,

the campaign was halted.

At that time we were so busy with jobs,

I mean, her diary was absolutely full.

And I remember sitting there for about three or four days,

and all the phone did was ring and cancel, ring and cancel.

Janey Godley has a reputation as an outspoken comedian,

and her fans love that.

But she is now finding that there's a limit

to what she can get away with.

These tweets are historic, dating back to 2012,

but they still have the power to shock.

They are racist and offensive

and reveal a disturbing side to Janey Godley.

Is she naive, or a hypocrite?

I've used phrases, words, comments

with horrifically despicable undertones,

and you cannae just pass that off as comedy.

The BBC, they weren't going to show the series that was in the can.

Private gigs were cancelled.

Various theatres were cancelling on me.

And things went very, very quiet for Janey.

I mean, the world seemed to vanish.

Honestly, it's really hard to find a place where I feel OK,

because everything just feels really bleak.

And I know what it's daein' to you,

and I know what it's daein' to your da.

It's just hard because I don't know where I'm supposed to put ma heid.

I have to try and find a space somewhere that makes me feel OK,

and I'm trying to find that. I know.

I think you just need to find something, Ma,

because, just sitting steeping, it can't be good for your soul.

Well, looky here.

I was planning to kill you, so I had to do your show.

Sure, the last time we met in Edinburgh,

I was really despondent at that point

because I had been told the cancer had come back.

I remember reading that you'd cancelled the tour,

and just thinking, "Oh, that's mad." Yeah.

What are you going to do, sit at home and die of cancer?

I remember you said to me, "Is your mouth still working?" I said yes!

But it's that thing of like, it's true, isn't it,

that your life flashes before your eyes before you die...

Uh-huh. ..and that is called living.

I still, to this day, don't know what's worse,

was being cancelled, or being told I had cancer.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, calm down.

Calm down. Mm-hm.

Some people didn't like a joke you said. Yep.

That's what happened.

The cancellation for me was different

because it wasn't a joke I had told.

I had wrote things on the internet, 11, 12 years ago,

that I didn't think at the time was that bad,

but, looking back, it really was,

and I apologised immediately. I said straight away, "I'm sorry."

No-one takes an apology any more. No, they don't.

There isn't someone that's in charge that could say...

Oh, that's true.

"I'm actually in charge of offence,

"and I speak on behalf of everyone offended by your remarks,

"and we accept your apology, and let's move on."

And, as far as I'm concerned, it's about stakeholders.

If the stakeholders, if the people at the channel,

the people at Netflix, the people at the radio station,

if they stand by you, you're OK. Mm-hm.

The problem is when figures of authority go with the mob. Yeah.

You know, the problem with the Salem witch trials

wasn't the young teenage girls... Naw.

..saying, "She's a witch, she's a witch."

It was all the angry white men.

The problem is the guys going, "Yeah, they're a witch."

Fuck, real life is so different

from what "this" is.

Your perception of what might happen on a little phone. Yeah.

We're looking at this black box

and it's just sucking up all of our kind of psyche,

and you go out there into the world

and, actually, people are craving connection.

Absolutely, absolutely.

Listen, I'm going to go and have my photo taken like a fucking...

Like a Jessie McDougall.

Mwah! "Like a Jessie McDougall."

You taught me to sing, and I still managed to fuck it up.

Awww!

Name? Raymie.

It's amazing. Ashley is not for it at all.

That's my Auntie Catherine!

LAUGHTER

The winner of the Billy Connolly Award, believe it or not,

is Janey Godley - a worthy winner, a worthy comedian.

CHEERING

WHISTLING

I have won an award for the man that I have loved as a child,

and this is the hugest honour that I could have

and just knowing that he knows me, makes my fanny tingle.

LAUGHTER

Thank you!

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

JANEY VOICEOVER: "Right, you, come on.

"Right, come on, the whole lot of yous.

"Stephen McLatchie-Wilson, right across this road.

"The rest of ye, follow me."

"Eh, eh, where's ma mammy gone?

"Right, I'm just gonnae go up this tree.

"You know, I love trees.

"Where's ma mammy gone?"

HUMS NONCHALANTLY

"Naw!

"Stephen Just-a-Mac-a-fuckin'-Nally!

"Come here!"

"I'm sorry, everybody, ma weans are a complete embarrassment!"

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

SHE COUGHS AND WHEEZES

SHE INTAKES A LABOURED BREATH

SHE COUGHS FORCEFULLY

INHALES WHEEZILY AND COUGHS

SHE BREATHES IN WHEEZILY

COUGHS VIOLENTLY

My back!

SHE WHEEZES AND COUGHS

You all right?

JANEY CLEARS HER THROAT Dae it again.

JANEY WHEEZES AND COUGHS

This is well rehearsed!

LAUGHTER

Take a drink.

COUGHING: Hold that a second, just till I cough.

If she dies, this is going to be so awkward.

LAUGHTER

Right, Sid James, are you awright?

JANEY COUGHS

Naw?

CLEARLY AND LOUDLY: How do I sound?

You're awright, but you've overran by 20 minutes.

JANEY COUGHS

Sorry, everybody.

It's literally the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

You OK? I don't know if you're choking on an object...

Uh-huh.

..but, I don't know if my duty is to...

Wipe under your eyes...

Ma poor wean.

I'm in... You're in L...

Is it M6? But you've been moved, Janey.

So you're going to L4. L... L4.

Ah, I'm in.

SHE HUMS "THE ARCHERS" THEME

Sexy pyjamas!

I remember my first trip to London for work,

and I was doing an open spot, and I remember it being in Time Out -

my name was in Time Out.

I was SO excited!

And I remember talking to Stewart Lee, the comedian,

and telling him a funny story about my husband and my daughter,

and he went, "Why are you no' telling this story on stage?"

"Stop telling rubbish jokes. Get up there and tell the truth!"

AUDIENCE CHEERS

MUSIC: The Minute Waltz by Frederic Chopin

Thank you! Thank you!

Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons...

..and as The Minute Waltz fades away,

once more it's my huge pleasure to welcome our many listeners.

And Janey, you've cleverly gone in with four seconds to go...

Oh, yes!

AUDIENCE GASPS

Oh, yes, My First Name, and that is the subject,

and you have four seconds starting now.

My first name for many years was Eejit.

That's what my mother liked to call me...

WHISTLE

APPLAUSE

Well, here we are, then.

Nearly at the end of the tour.

I'm so excited. I cannae wait to get on stage.

It's been...

It's like, as soon as they pulled the cannula oot my hand,

I'm like, "Get me in the van and get me to the stage!"

It's like, "I need to go now!"

I can't believe how you've coped with this tour,

because it's a gruelling stuff, the travelling,

different town every night...

You should try and work 15 years in a pub in the East End of Glasgow.

Well... I mean, that's a lot tougher than stand-up.

You're just not dying fast enough, let's face it.

I really am not.

It's just, it's really upsetting.

Get in, get in, get in!

My name's Bryan Weakland.

I am from the New York City area, technically New Jersey.

I flew in for one night, so I left Newark last night

on a Friday night flight.

Landed this morning into London.

I first saw Janey on Periscope.

That's when I first saw you. Yes.

And I didn't know who she was,

and I thought, "Who's this crazy lady on Periscope?

"She's freaking hilarious."

COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING

Janey? Yeah? Cup of tea, doll.

So, this book, Janey...

JANEY GROANS

I know, I know, I know, I know, I'm sorry for bringing it up -

but once you get started, you know what you're like.

You're... I'm writing the second half of my autobiography.

One of the big stories is, one of the things that people always ask me

was, "What happened to your uncle?"

My uncle who had abused me, who was called David Percy.

What happened in the early '90s is, is I read an article in a newspaper

about a woman who'd been sexually abused historically, like me.

The journalist told me that you can still charge them. I went, "Can I?"

She went, "Yeah."

My husband said to me, "Let's go along and speak to the police."

So the police say to me, "Your sister and you

"have a very good, strong case against him.

"We've been to the PF and we've issued a warrant."

I opted to go the first witness, and when I went into court,

he was there and I just kept staring at him.

He had a couple of character witnesses with him

who turned up in Rangers shell suits.

So it was nice that they dressed up for the event.

And they managed to call me a dirty cow in the court.

And his lawyer said that I'm a liar,

because I'm a comedian and I'm doing it for a joke.

I went, "Well, this has had more planning

"than the Brink's-Mat robbery,

"cos I've been talking about this since 1966."

And then he kept on saying that I was a liar.

And I went, "Why would I lie?

"Why would I lie?"

And then the judge says to me, "Do you hate..."

He says, "You hated him."

I says, "I don't hate him. I feel sorry for him."

I'd still rather be the abused child

than a man who has to sleep at night knowing that he raped a kid.

He was guilty, guilty, guilty on all charges.

So see your mammy, Annie, right? Aye.

I mean, you and Annie, how was your relationship?

I mean, I still think she was wrong for not protecting me, 100%.

Even in her naivety, in a sense,

she didn't quite get - until I verbally said it.

Cos the doctor's records show that I kept getting urine infections.

And they mentioned bruising and stuff, so...

It could have just been denial.

Yeah, just complete denial.

Big paedophile.

I don't think about it when I'm writing about it.

I just...I kind of have made peace with it, you know?

That's a hell of a queue, Ashley. It is a hell of a queue.

It's like every Scottish auntie has come out in one night.

WHOOPING FROM QUEUE

Logically, I know that room is sold out,

so it has to be a lot of people -

but then seeing them in a row makes it seem so much bigger.

I don't know why!

Come on, Bobo.

Come on.

Nay pee.

No? No. I need to pick her up to go down the stairs.

I can see the crowd filling up, Ashley, on that camera.

I just feel...

It's such a... I don't know, it's like that...

I just, I just don't want this to be your last gig in Glasgow.

It's not going to be my last gig, Ashley. Don't do this.

Don't cry.

It's not going to be my last.

This isnae the end.

Ashley, look at me.

It feels very finite.

It feels like this is it.

And it's just so sad.

It's not. This is not it.

You will know when this is it, and this isnae it.

Don't cry just before you go on stage, baby.

I know this is so important

and this is something that you've waited for for so long

and it's just so sad that it's under these circumstances that...

I'm going to get a... Tissues. No, I'm fine, it's fine.

I'll stick them up my nose.

You need a wee tissue.

I'm fine.

We've just waited so long.

You know, through lockdown and... I know.

We just waited to get out there.

Here...

You smell nice.

MUSIC: High Life by Frankie Miller

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Don't call it low life

# If it ain't your life

# The bright side is my side

# Looking up, looking up

# Is the high life

# And it's my life

# Looking up, looking up

# Is the high life

# And it's my life

# Looking up, looking up

# Looking up, looking up

# Is the high life

# And it's my life... #