Original subtitles

Thanks for letting me practice on you, Steve.

- I really wanna ace this first-aid class. - No problemo, Eddo.

I have a lot of personal experience in first aid.

I got a nosebleed at birth. My doctor slapped the wrong end.

I'll be right back. I'm gonna go get the plaster.

No rush. I'm a patient patient.

Carl, big guy!

My buddy with the badge. My pal on patrol.

How was your day on the mean streets?

Cops and robbers. Good guys, bad guys. Heroes and hairballs.

The man who risks his...

Well, what do you think?

- Mom, you look hot. - Uh-huh.

- Thank you, honey. - Oh, Harriette...

you are just gonna sweep Carl right off his feet.

I wanna look perfect. Carl and I haven't had a romantic dinner date...

since the Carter administration.

Harriette. Harriette. Feast your ever-loving eyes on these.

- Tickets to Les Mis? - Better.

- Janet Jackson? - Even better.

M.C. Hammer?

No. The Blackhawks and the Penguins.

- Hockey? - Yeah. I couldn't pass this up.

And look where we're sitting. Right behind the goalie.

Great. We can dodge pucks all night.

Yeah.

You're not gonna wear that, are you?

Of course not. I'll just slip into something more comfortable.

Like a helmet and some shin guards.

Gee, thanks, babe. You won't regret it. You're gonna have a great time.

Especially when they start beating each other up. Hustle up, babe, okay?

I'm married to the most wonderful woman in the world.

Wait a minute. Don't give me a tardy. Hi, Laura.

I pledge allegiance to the flag...

- of the United States of America... - Class! Class!

We only do that when I hold the flag.

- Morning, Miss Steuben. - Morning, Steven.

Miss Steuben!

Now take your seat, carefully.

Hi, Laura.

Hi, Steve.

All right, class, today we're going to...

Excuse me, Miss Steuben. I need a moment.

I'm all set, Miss Steuben. Teach me.

Thank you.

All right.

Countries, cities, neighborhoods.

Now, all of these are built upon smaller social units, like the family.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Yes, yes, yes, Steven?

Actually, Miss Steuben, current geopolitical constructs...

are more complex than your simplistic concentric circle model...

would have us believe. As Spengler would point out...

My point is that the family is the center for all social interaction.

Ahem. And the foundation for most families is marriage.

So, oh... for the next two weeks...

the class will be paired off into married couples.

Now, you will all have to figure out how to live on a budget.

You will make decisions about jobs, homes, children.

And each of you will grade your partner.

- Yeah? - Do we get to pick who we wanna marry?

Write down your top three choices, and I will do my best to pair everyone up.

The names of the happy couples will be posted on the bulletin board tomorrow.

Steven, you cannot put the same name three times.

- Hi, everybody. ESTELLE: Hi. How you doing?

Hi, honey. How's your head?

How do you think it is? I got hit by a hockey puck.

Sweetheart, that was a great stop. You deserved that standing ovation.

Oh, Carl, I called Chez Josephine's, and we're confirmed for 8:00 tonight.

Oh, ha, ha.

Oh, babe, I'm sorry. I meant to call you.

There's been a little change in plans.

Now what?

You remember Joe Hitchborn? Traffic Control?

- Shy guy? Couldn't get a date? - Yeah.

Well, they switched him to Hooker Patrol, and he's getting married this weekend.

Oh, my Lord. Just picture the bridesmaids.

The guys decided to throw him a little bachelor party tonight.

Mind if I go?

- It's up to you, Carl. - Gee, thanks, babe.

You are the best. Ha, ha. Don't wait up.

Harriette.

How could you let Carl get away with that?

Well, what was I supposed to do, beg him to take me to dinner?

Honey, Carl is my son, and in my eyes he can do no wrong.

But he's your husband.

You should've knocked him into the middle of next week.

I'd like Carl to be more romantic, but I can't force it out of him.

You know, he used to send me flowers for no reason at all.

And he'd leave me funny little notes all around the house.

He'd even call me three or four times a day just to say he loved me.

Doesn't do those things anymore.

Well, Harriette, doesn't that make you angry?

No.

Makes me scared.

Laura. Laura. I got him!

For the next two blissful weeks, I am Mrs. Mark Healy. Yes!

That's great. Who did I get? Derrick or Jeff?

I was so excited, I forgot to look.

Spread out! Spread out! Spread out! Give my wife some air.

- Mommy? - Yes, sweetie?

I'm glad Uncle Carl is back.

But, Richie, he didn't go anywhere.

Yes, he did. Aunt Harriette said that he was in the doghouse.

Laura, I called Rachel's place two hours ago. Where have you been?

- Just walking. - Well, sit down.

You almost missed dinner.

Very funny.

What's the matter? Lose your sense of humor, Mrs. Urkel?

Eddie, is that your face, or did your neck throw up?

Now, children, no fighting at the table.

Hi, honey. I'm home.

Laura, my little nuptial nymph, I know you're eager to begin our life together...

but I must have a word with your father before we proceed.

What is it, Steve?

Well, Carl, call me old fashioned, but before I marry Laura...

I'd like to have your blessing.

Well, Steve, ha, ha, I appreciate that.

But, um, I wouldn't stand in your way if you two are really, really in love.

Dad!

You won't be sorry, sir.

I can assure you that we Urkels are a fine old family with a proud name.

You know that, in Kenya, "urkel" means a benign cyst on the foreleg of a wildebeest?

Are you ready for dessert, my little crêpe suzette?

Steve, I'm full. You cooked seven meals for me today.

It would've been eight, but I didn't like the smell of that sushi.

I finished all the housework.

You know, deep in the back of your fridge...

I found a fascinating mold specimen thriving on an ancient cheese wheel.

Go home.

Not yet.

- This is our last night of wedded bliss. - Yeah.

I've been blowing up balloons.

What are you doing?

Setting the mood, my darling.

For two wonderful weeks, you and I have pretended to be man and wife.

And now, on this, our last night...

we can make each other's dreams come true...

with a kiss.

Steve, did you eat that moldy cheese?

Don't hold back. Let yourself go.

Do what you feel.

Ooh, I felt the earth move.

Steve, we're supposed to grade each other on this assignment...

and right now, you're staring down the barrel of an F.

One kiss. A peck on the cheek.

A momentary osculation.

Forget it. I have a headache.

I thought you might say that, so I came prepared.

Aspirin, baby?

Steve, I want a divorce. Go home to your mother.

My manly ardor has frightened you.

That's okay. It won't happen again.

I'm prepared to wait forever, if need be.

In the meantime, I hope you'll accept this small gift...

as a little memento of our two glorious weeks together.

Steve, this is really beautiful.

One-third-karat diamond with one-tenth the sparkle of your lovely eyes.

This is real? Where did you get the money for this?

From my Stay Away fund.

Every year, all my relatives send me money and hope that I won't visit them.

Steve, I can't accept this. It's too expensive.

But, my little baguette, it was a mere $800.

Eight hundred dollars?

Are you out of your mind? This is a school assignment.

It's pretend. We're not married. We're not engaged.

We're not even dating. And we never will be.

But I thought you'd like...

What I'd like is for you to leave me alone.

Laura, I know I'm not worthy of you, but I just can't help loving you.

It's like wanting to touch a star.

You know you'll never reach it, but you've just gotta keep trying.

Steve, why do you always say things like that?

These last two weeks have been wonderful for me.

It's the closest I'll ever get to marrying you.

That's why I wanted you to have this.

No strings attached. Just the one to my heart.

- Busy, Mom? - No.

Just pruning your father.

Fern.

Something on your mind?

Yeah, Steve.

Ooh, he did a good job on my oven. Tell him we're out of Easy-Off.

Can't.

He just went home.

Mom, I think I hurt Steve's feelings.

What happened?

He's smothering me. He sent me a roomful of roses.

He calls me every hour. He waits on me hand and foot.

A person can only take so much devotion.

You don't know how lucky you are.

Steve may not be the man of your dreams...

but it's a wonderful thing when somebody loves you that much.

Mom, he sent me an eight-foot giraffe.

It's not funny.

Sorry, honey.

But you've got to admit one thing:

Steve sure never takes you for granted.

I wish he would. I'm all Urkeled out.

Well, Steve is a pest, no question about that.

But he adores you, Laura, and he shows it.

You know, being romantic is a good quality for a husband to have.

Mark Healy is selfish, conceited and inconsiderate.

He cheated on me.

With an older woman.

I caught him at the movies with a ninth-grader.

So I divorced him.

Mark, I give you an F-minus.

What?

Well, we've learned that not everyone is compatible.

But I am glad to see that Maxine and Mark have resolved their differences maturely.

Jerk.

Dweeb.

All right, let's move on to our last couple.

Oh, Steven.

You may begin.

Obviously, Laura was the perfect wife...

brilliant mother, helpmate and manager.

I'll always be proud that she was the first Mrs. Urkel.

She's an A all the way.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Laura, your grade for Steven.

Well...

Steve is incredibly annoying, and a pest...

and, well, you just wanna slap him all the time.

But he's also... hardworking and caring.

He really tried to make me happy.

He was a good husband, and I gave him an A-plus.

Snookums.

You do love me.

What have I done?

Hi, hon.

Do I know you?

Okay.

I deserve that.

Harriette, last night...

well, I overheard you talking to Laura.

And what you said to her...

well, it made me realize that I've been acting like a jerk.

An idiot, a fool, an ignoramus.

Stop me whenever you like, Harriette.

Oh, no, you're doing fine.

Harriette, you are the most important person in the world to me.

And you always will be.

I thank God every day that we're together.

But now it's time I start thanking you.

So, Harriette, I want you to put on that beautiful new dress...

because we have an 8:00 reservation at Chez Josephine's.

And, sweetheart, when you walk in there...

I'd like you to wear this.

Oh, Carl.

It's just a little "I love you" present.

Oh, Carl.

- Thank you. It's beautiful. - Ha, ha.

But, sweetheart, not as beautiful as you.

Ooh, sparkle city.

I know I shouldn't ask, but how much?

Well, I got a good deal.

I bought it off of Urkel.

He tried to bargain with me, but the poor kid was overmatched.

He caved in at 1000.

Ooh, Carl, that's way too much.

Yeah, but he threw in a little something extra.

Worth every penny.