Original subtitles

( man grunting, humming )

We are live on campus during the annual Renaissance Carnival

to report yet another sighting of the mysterious creature

that has been rumored to haunt this university

for the past several years.

I have a few eyewitnesses here with me now.

It happened late last night.

I saw it swing down from somewhere,

land in the bushes and eat what I believe to be an owl.

It looked like a 250-pound baked potato.

I saw it a few years ago.

It was dragging a mattress across the roof of the fine arts building.

It sat down and began chewing on the corner.

It looked like a small giant hippopotamus,

but its legs weren't that thick.

They were more like human legs, but thinner.

And its head wasn't as big as a hippo's.

It was different.

I don't know. I think it's probably just some extremely ugly,

heavyset teacher wearing a bear suit and antlers or something.

That's what the teachers around here do sometimes

when the stress gets to them, you know?

This is my girlfriend Cathy.

She loves television. You should really talk to her.

Come back here. I have an important appointment at 2:00

with the dean and it's 3:30.

It's 3:30. I have to go. Bye.

I'll see you later at the dorm.

Okay, talk to you later. Bye. See you later.

Well, Cathy, what do you think about all this creature business?

Um, well, I don't really believe in it,

but there's been so much talk about it lately

that sometimes I feel like I'm being watched.

Thank you very much.

( grunting, humming )

( speaking gibberish )

( whistles )

- Hey! - Sorry.

( knocks )

Enter.

Sorry about the mix-up, Dean.

Mr. Kaminsky, I have before me your final grades from last term.

It appears that once again you have proven to be an underachiever.

Apparently underachievement is the only area in which you excel.

Well, actually, sir, to be perfectly honest,

for a while I was suffering from a lack of direction.

Kaminsky, you are a barnacle on the great ship of knowledge

and the time is nearing for you to be scraped off.

If you do not earn a B average this term,

I will have no recourse but to flunk you out.

Good day.

( speaking gibberish )

Do you realize if I flunk out,

my dad is gonna jerk my butt back to New Jersey

where I will be forced to slave in Kaminsky's Furniture Store,

the store in which everything is plastic

including my parents?

Alex, you are one of the brightest people I know.

Your main problem is just that you're just a little bit unfocused.

And what about us?

( grunting )

Alex, getting depressed about it is not gonna make matters any better.

I enjoy being depressed. It's an inexpensive way

of showing oneself a bad time.

Man on loudspeaker: And now for our final contestant

for the wench of this year's campus Renaissance Carnival,

here's Miss Laura Stevens.

Now tell us, Laura, what does a college education mean to you?

Okay, like, if you're real dumb, you know,

and something real bad happens like a nuclear war

and your TV won't work,

or it's real dark and you can't find your makeup,

well, if you're, like, educated,

maybe you can figure out something to do.

I have shoes that are smarter than her.

Hey, jerk face, that happens to be my girlfriend.

Oh, sorry.

You know what? I'm on medication

for enlarged pores

and it just kind of makes me crazy.

I mean, actually, your girlfriend

is quite attractive for a girl.

For anyone for that matter.

- She's beautiful. - Isn't she?

Okay, folks, we're gonna take a five-minute breather here

- and let the judges make their final decisions. - Ow.

So just hang tight and we'll be back in a second with the results.

- Hi, guys. - Hi, Steve.

Well, I see you're still hanging around with Mr. Excitement here.

Kaminsky, tell me something.

What is this magical hold you have over this beautiful woman?

- Back off, Steve, okay? - Hey.

- Oh. - And go.

I'm so sorry. Again, I'm sorry.

You know what? I'm-- I'm just--

I'm having a bad day.

And it's about to get worse.

I think that makes us about even, don't you?

Guess again.

But I promised my parents this term I'd try and avoid getting beaten to death.

Aren't you gonna do something?

I'd like to, but I kind of think he's learning a life lesson

that's gonna be valuable to him at some later date.

- Stop it. - ( grunting )

( grunting )

- Hey, hey, relax. - Get off of me.

Leave me alone.

You're lucky you have a strong girl to protect you.

Hold her, guys.

Leave him alone.

What the hell?

- ( grunts ) - ( crowd gasps )

- ( grunts ) - ( screams )

- ( screams ) - ( screams )

( siren blaring )

Officer: There he is. Come on, fellas.

( crowd screaming )

Don't hurt him.

- Hold it right there, mister. - Calm down.

- ( groans ) - ( clamoring )

Where do you think he came from?

I don't know. New York?

That's her. That's the animal's girlfriend.

Whoa!

Run! Move, they're gaining on us.

Miss Adams?

- Yeah. - How you doing?

- Hi. - Mr. Klinsky?

- Kaminsky. - Kaminsky. Sorry.

I'm Miles Cohen, the court-appointed defense attorney.

Follow me.

I'll take you to the east courtroom.

- Great. - Can we see him first?

Okay, kids. Here he is.

Wow, he looks so nice in a jacket, doesn't he?

It's a joke. It's a joke.

Can I say hello?

Uh, yeah.

Don't get him aggravated.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Cathy. - Cathy.

He understands.

No, not really. He just repeats things.

Oh, great, so what we have here is the world's largest parrot, correct?

- Correct. - Correct.

- ( bangs gavel ) - In the matter of John Doe.

Your Honor, this is a hearing pursuant

to the Mental Health Act of the State of California

to determine whether John Doe is of sufficient

mental capacity to manage his own affairs.

Where is the respondent John Doe?

He's on his way in, Your Honor.

( crowd murmuring )

Do they have to keep him all chained up like that?

I think it's to prevent him from eating the courtroom.

( banging gavel )

Judge: Okay, let's have your first witness.

- ( grunting ) - He's going after Steve!

What the hell is going on here, Mr. Cohen?

He--

he's a little nervous, Your Honor, but he'll be fine.

- Order, please! - It's okay.

- Please, Mr. Cohen. - He'll be fine.

- It's all right. - Once he's down, he's down.

Thank you, Mr. Cohen.

He'll be fine now.

Fine now.

( sniffing )

I think he just likes my perfume.

Let's get started, Mrs. Johnson, please.

Your Honor, the prosecution calls Dr. Victoria Fisk.

The subject has, obviously, had little or no human contact.

He suffers from a complete inability to relate to people.

His motor responses are erratic.

His temperament is unpredictable

and occasionally violent in nature.

The combination of these factors coupled

with his already evident savage behavior

make it imperative that he be institutionalized at once.

The defendant is unquestionably

a menace to society.

The defense calls Miss Cathy Adams.

Cathy.

I believe the defendant came from wherever he came from

because he thought somebody was trying to hurt me.

The only time he ever did any physical harm to anybody

was either to help me or protect himself.

Your Honor, we have no way of determining

what the respondent had in mind if anything.

Cathy.

Cohen: The defense calls Dr. Richard Webster

of the psychology department at the university.

Your Honor, like Dr. Fisk, I've only briefly examined

the respondent and I feel at this point it would be very unfair

to make any final judgment.

Now, my colleagues and I have persuaded the university

to allow us to test, examine,

and to possibly rehabilitate

this poor unfortunate creature.

Our hope is to give him the opportunity

to better demonstrate the full extent of his capabilities.

With all due respect, Your Honor,

the defendant has already demonstrated

the full range of his abilities.

It is obvious what we have here

is a clear-cut difference of opinion.

Your Honor, if you have any further questions,

I suggest that the defendant take the witness stand.

The witness may take the stand.

Do you swear that the testimony you're about to give

will be the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

If so, answer yes.

Yes.

Don't be deceived, Your Honor.

The defendant only appears to understand.

Actually, he just repeats

the last few sounds that he hears.

May I show you something?

Yes, you may.

Who do you think is better qualified

to determine your ultimate fate?

Dr. Webster or Dr. Fisk?

Dr. Fisk.

Fine.

Now, let me ask you, which are you,

a wise man or a complete and total fool?

Complete and total fool.

( crowd laughs )

( bangs gavel )

It gives me no pleasure to render my verdict.

However, the evidence leaves me no choice.

The defendant shall be remanded to the custody of the sheriff

to be confined in a mental facility

for his protection and the protection of others.

Your Honor, I really don't think this is fair.

- I mean, you haven't even seen-- - ( bangs gavel )

Let's go.

( sighs )

Bye.

Bye.

Bye, Judge Ferguson.

( crowd murmuring )

And as a result of that dramatic moment,

Judge Ferguson has awarded temporary custody of the hunchback

to the university under the supervision of Dr. Richard Webster.

However, the judge has set forth one condition.

Should the defendant exhibit any violent

or disruptive behavior, he will immediately be institutionalized.

Miss Adams, will you be participating in this experiment?

I'm gonna help in any way I can.

Mr. Kaminsky, how do you fit into the picture?

Very carefully.

No, actually, I'm gonna be his manicurist.

I am certain that the creature

is a time bomb ready to explode.

I would stake my reputation on that.

I think you just have. Reporting live from the courthouse--

Live? I didn't know this was live.

Could I rephrase that? Stake my reputation...

Doctor, I have to go talk to the hunchback.

- Thank you very much. - That's going a little far. Couldn't I just say...

( clamoring )

( siren blares )

Cathy. Cathy.

- Cathy. - Yes?

- Cathy. - Yes?

- Cathy. - Yes?

- Cathy. - He certainly has a way with word.

Why does he keep saying my name over and over again?

He's infatuated with you.

You've become a mixture of fantasy and reality.

Repeating your name over and over again

is a form of masturbation.

I know a better one.

( laughs )

Cathy. Cathy.

Cathy.

Alex: You keep doing that, you're gonna go blind.

All right, stop here.

All right, now, we have to go up to my offices

right up here in this building here.

So if you want to just-- no, no, no.

It's okay. Don't be afraid.

Cathy, Mooka. Cathy, Mooka.

What does he want now?

I think he's inviting you to break one of the Ten Commandments with him.

Oh, wow, he's after me, too.

This guy is kinkier than I thought.

No. No Mooka. Thanks, my parents wouldn't approve.

I think he wants to show us something.

Yeah, I know he does and I know what it is

and I don't want to see it.

- No Mooka. - Mooka.

- No Mooka. - Mooka macoola.

No Mooka macoola. Wow, look at me.

I'm arguing with this guy and I don't know what the hell I'm saying.

- He's got me! - Whoa, big boy.

Where is he taking me?

Webster: Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

- Cathy, Mooka. - What is that thing?

- Don't touch it. - Mooka.

Whoa!

Mooka.

Wait, what?

( laughs )

Look at that. Go on, take it.

It's a sign of friendship.

Thank you.

Don't you want to give Alex some?

Please. For me?

You ought to be flattered. He's sharing his food with you.

I know what's coming next.

First it's chocolate, then it's nylons.

I have a reputation to maintain.

I can't just jump into the sack with every Tom,

Dick, and Quasimodo who comes along.

Mooka.

Mooka. Mooka.

Mooka. Mooka.

No one's been up here since the big clock broke.

And I know whose face broke it.

( grunts )

Cathy: Oh, my God.

Webster: He must have been filling this place up for years,

picking through garbage.

- Watch your step. - If he kept all this stuff,

can you imagine what he must have thrown away?

This looks like the place where dirt from all over the world

comes to bury its dead.

Mooka.

- Ah! - Alex!

- Watch your step there. - Are you all right?

Mooka. Mooka.

Mooka.

- ( squeaks ) - Mooka.

Mooka. Mooka.

Mooka.

Mooka?

Mooka.

That's what he meant when he was saying Mooka.

- The rat's his friend. - Yeah.

More like a relative, I think.

Amazing how pets resemble their owners, isn't it? Or vice versa.

Look at how loving and gentle he is with Mooka.

This is just incredible. Look at all the candy wrappings.

If this is all he's eating, no wonder he's shaped like a giant Chunky.

Cathy: Yeah, we've got to get some real food into him.

Get some color in his face, too.

I sort of like it the way it is-- olive drab.

Oh, wow.

You can see the whole campus up here.

You can see the classrooms,

the girls' dorms,

hmm, the student union,

the girls' dorms, the football stadium,

the girls' dorms.

He must have learned just about everything he knows

about human behavior looking through people's windows.

How about that? We finally have something in common.

So he's a Peeping Tom.

- ( grunting ) - Whoa.

Alex, I think you better come down.

- Yeah, be careful. - ( grunting )

Yeah, I think I will come down.

I think it's time we hit the road, don't you?

You can say good-bye to your little friend and all.

All right.

Yeah, I'm gonna have myself boiled and dipped in a vat of Lysol.

I think it's better that we leave him here.

Changing the environment

may be a little disorienting for him.

Yeah, and we wouldn't want to separate him from Mooka.

No, of course not. We wouldn't want to do that.

Separate him from Mooka.

Let Mooka grow up without any parental guidance.

He could start hanging out with the wrong kind of rat.

End up in prison making miniature license plates

for model cars or something.

We can't leave him here alone.

- I could stay with him. - Oh, you could stay with him?

- Are you crazy? - Alex is right.

- Alex: Thank you. - He needs a male for a role model.

The only problem will be trying to find a volunteer he trusts.

Well, you could always put an ad in the classifieds.

Wanted: friendly, likeable, trustworthy male

to live in clock tower with hunchback wild man

and his trained rat.

Hmm.

Oh, no, you don't. No. I'm sorry.

Really. Not me. Not this guy here. No.

I'm not friendly. I'm not likeable.

I'm not trustworthy, okay?

Alex, this is a rare opportunity.

You could have a profound effect on his development.

Not to mention what you would be contributing

to the world of psychology, Alex.

Good, then don't mention it.

Alex, he needs you.

Alex: My parents wouldn't approve, okay?

We're of different faiths. I'm Jewish, he's Neanderthal.

Our children would grow up to be stupid doctors.

How can I take care of him anyway?

I can hardly take care of myself.

Besides, he hates me, remember?

Hates me.

I think Cathy can get him to accept you.

Thanks, but no, thanks.

Alex, I'm just really disappointed in you.

I am really disappointed in me, too, but I still can't do it.

Disappointed.

Look, I have got a lot of studying to do

if I'm going to make it through this semester, okay?

Any free time I have will be spent

worrying about why I'm not studying with my free time.

( grunting )

How about if I talk to your instructors?

I bet I can get them to give you special consideration.

I mean, after all, what you'd be doing ultimately

is gonna benefit the department of psychology.

- What do you say about that? - You could do that?

I can try.

And it would mean a great deal to me

if you would reconsider.

And you could do something about my studies?

Mmm.

And you would be eternally grateful?

Uh-huh.

( growling )

No. Mm-mmm. Sorry.

( crickets chirping )

Alex: He's gonna kill me in the night

and eat my clothes.

( growls )

You put my bed all the way up there?

It seemed like the only safe place.

Alex: Put the TV anywhere.

Alex, he took one of your lamps.

Oh, that's great.

I'll hang your stuff over here on this gargoyle.

Well, that about does it.

Anything else you can think of?

Yeah, about 20,000 roach motels.

Cathy.

You know, you are really terrific for doing this.

( growls )

Uh, you two better restrict your displays of affection

until you're alone. He's apparently very jealous.

Cathy, we better go.

- Good night. - Good night.

Oh, Alex, I really appreciate what you're doing.

I'm sure he does, too.

You're gonna talk to my teachers, right?

Yes, Bring their names to me tomorrow in my office at 9:00 in the morning.

Yeah, if I'm alive, I'll be there.

( growls )

Okay. Okay. Okay, look.

Okay?

I don't want any trouble, really.

So I'm just gonna stay to my side of the room

and you just stay to your side of the room.

And, you know, no quick moves.

No running. No biting.

Biting-- no biting.

No hitting anyone over the head with 2x4s

while anyone is asleep, okay?

And...

I don't want to be here,

but I don't have a choice.

So let's just you and me make the best of it, okay?

Fine.

( grunts )

( speaking gibberish )

Ay-yi-yi.

Okay, sorry. ( chuckles )

- ( speaks gibberish ) - Right.

I guess we're agreed, then, huh?

I'm gonna-- this is my bag.

Just getting it.

Okay.

Got the thing.

I'm just gonna...

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hit that at all.

I'm sorry. I'll pick that up in a minute.

I didn't mean to scare you.

Shh.

( exhales ) I'm-- I'm--

I don't need sheets or anything. I'm fine.

Thanks.

( growls )

( exhales )

Mooka.

( squeaks )

Look, I don't want the two of you up all night

talking and giggling. You understand?

Yeah.

( lamp clatters )

( laughs )

( sighs )

First day of school. This is a big day for you.

Yeah, Cathy's right. The least you could have done is comb your face.

Oh, here's my list of instructors.

Oh, yeah. I'll take care of that.

Alex, by the way,

the goal here is to get him to look

more like you, not the other way around.

Yes, but you forgot to take into account

that the human hair ball over here and I are sharing a living space

which is void of hot and cold running anything.

That is, if you don't count the insects, and I suggest you don't count the insects

because then you might be up all night,

which I was, which accounts for why I look like I do.

- I'll get it sprayed, okay? - Could you have him sprayed, too?

Where exactly are we taking him?

To the psychological stimulus...

- Got you. - ...observation facility down here.

Down here.

What the...?

( screeches )

Come on. Come on, let's go.

It's all right, monkey.

All right, you want to come in here now?

Make yourself comfortable.

We are going to go out now and we will be back soon.

I want you to stay.

- Stay. - Stay.

Stay, yes.

- All right. - Stay.

Good morning, everybody.

I guess we can sit down and get started here.

First of all, I'd like to introduce Alexander Kaminsky.

Alex is a psychology major who is living

with the subject to help us monitor his behavior.

Temporarily. Very temporarily.

You want to sit down?

Webster, he's amazing. Just amazing.

Good morning, Dr. Girard.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- You'll need this. - Oh, thank you.

( grunts )

( grunts )

( chanting gibberish )

Cathy, Cathy.

( chanting continues )

Oh, let me turn that up.

( chanting )

Cathy, Cathy.

( chanting ) Cathy, Cathy.

( chanting continues )

I give it an 85. I like the beat,

but I can't understand the words.

- It's a primal chant. - Great.

What's a primal chant?

It's a behavior syndrome indicating anxiety

or distress.

It manifests itself in this basic rhythmic form.

- It's common to all primates. - Oh, that primal chant.

Breakthrough, he's found his feet.

I give it six weeks before it hurts someone.

Make that three weeks.

We're back. We're back. We're back.

- Everything's all right. - Your Uncle Alex is here now.

Nobody's gonna leave you alone anymore, are we?

- No, no, no. - No, we're not.

We're not. Good.

Now, first I'd like to take some measurements.

And we'll just undress him here behind this screen.

You don't want to see this. This could get ugly.

- All right. - ( growls )

Oh, I'm sorry. Would you give us a hand here?

Yeah, sure. Stay.

That's my mistake. Look here, this will be painless.

Absolutely painless. I promise you.

Come on. Let go of the table.

Just come behind the screen.

You don't need all these things on you.

- Under the arm. - Get his belt.

- Don't touch me there. - His other belt.

- Not me! - That's my belt.

Here. Here. Under his arm.

Just lift. Never mind. Never mind, fellas.

Let's just deal with what we have here.

Let's just get you under the light here.

Here, give me those. Don't touch those, please.

All right.

Hey, don't do this.

Give me that. Thank you.

Don't. Don't take this.

Please. Please.

Just hold still now. Hold still.

All right.

33 and three-quarters head.

33 and three-quarters.

This is mine.

Neck...

24.

24 on the neck.

There's some considerable hair.

Please. Please, now.

Just relax.

Chest-- just relax.

62 and a half.

Good.

Thank you.

Now, the object

is to knock the peg through a hole.

- ( sniffs ) - Like this.

Okay?

Good. Now, you try.

Ready? Go.

I got six seconds.

Is this-- is this a problem?

No, I don't think so.

- Dr. Webster... - ( crowd gasps )

...you have less than one school term

to prove that the creature can function in society.

What's your prediction?

I'm hopeful.

But it's a little too early--

Let go. Don't touch.

To tell, right? To tell. Right, okay.

Another interesting role in this rather unusual story

is that being played by young student Alexander Kaminsky.

Mr. Kaminsky, could you come here, please?

- Mr. Kaminsky. - Yeah. Hi.

What exactly is your relationship with the hunchback?

We're betrothed.

It's a very strange story, but since you insist, I'll tell it.

Many years ago, in exchange for food,

my parents promised that I would wed

the local landowner's firstborn gorilla.

- Isn't that right? - Right.

- Right. - Right.

Right. Mr. Kaminsky, is there any extra information

that you can give us on the hunchback that hasn't already been divulged?

Oh, yes. Of course.

Well, he snores when he's asleep.

- Mooka. - Ugh.

And he is incredibly strong.

I taught him how to wrestle.

And you know the kind of Indian wrestle where you grab

each other, you try to pull each other off balance?

- Yes, I know that. - He is so powerful

- that every time I say go-- - Go!

- Ah! - ( laughs )

Is he all right?

This happens.

I see. That's very interesting.

Well, thank you. This is Stan Fisher.

- Stay. - Stay. Stay.

No, I can't stay. I have to go.

Go!

- Go. - ( Stan screams )

Alex: I warned him. I tried to warn him.

( grunts )

No, it's past both your bedtimes.

Come on. Come on.

- Bed. - Bed.

Upstairs now.

No chocolate. No chocolate.

- Chocolate. - No. No chocolate.

You've had enough chocolate for one day.

Just go to bed now. Turn off your light.

Don't smash the lamp. I'll see you in the morning.

Good night.

( bulb shatters )

( groans ) God.

( chanting )

Cathy.

( chanting continues )

Cathy.

( chanting continues )

( chanting continues )

No, no. No, no.

Bottle.

Lacko.

Bottle.

Lacko.

Bot-tle.

Ba-bel.

Okay.

No.

No.

Ball.

Ball.

Good.

No. Wait.

Bounce the ball.

( gasps )

Bounce ball.

Yes. Good.

Good.

Banana. Banana.

Banana.

Very good. Very good.

- Yes, you may have it. - Bounce banana.

No, no.

Hope the next item isn't a hand grenade.

I'd like to be alone with him, hmm?

Won't the neighbors talk?

It's a joke. It's a joke.

Why don't I go for a walk, huh?

( growls )

( door closes )

- ( grunts ) - ( chuckles )

Kitty.

Kitty.

Good.

Kitty soft.

Kitty soft.

Very good.

Dog.

Dog.

Good.

The dog goes woof woof.

Yes, the dog goes woof woof.

Yes, listen now. Yes. Yes.

Dog go... ( barking )

( screams )

No. All right. No, no.

( barking )

Down. Down. Down. Down.

Down. Down.

Dog.

Good.

( rings )

Hold this. Grab this. Take it.

Hold it. Very good.

Hi. Two roast beef specials, please.

- Roast beef? - Yes, please.

- Chocolate. - No chocolate.

- Gravy? - Yeah, lots of gravy.

- Chocolate. - No chocolate.

Potatoes.

No tatoes. Chocolate.

No chocolate. Tatoes and that's final.

- Mashed or fried? - Mashed. French fries.

Don't pout.

Chocolate.

And don't whine.

Okay.

Excuse me. You can have one chocolate.

Okay, one?

After you finished everything on your plate.

Kamoola.

Did you just call me a kamoola?

I am not a kamoola.

I am trying to do what's best for you here.

You know, you work your fingers to the bone,

and the first chance they get, they're calling you a kamoola.

Bacoola kamoola.

- Next. - Move it.

( students murmuring )

Hey, guys. How you doing?

I'll remember who you people are,

so don't try rushing back once his inheritance money comes in, okay?

No, look. Use this.

Yeah, it goes right in your mouth.

- Ah! - No, with food on it.

Food.

- Oola moola. - Oola moola is right. I know.

But just save the meat for later

because we can use it to make a leather jacket for Mooka, okay?

I will be right back.

You just sit here and behave yourself.

And don't talk to any strangers.

Cathy, I had a dream last night, you know?

Someone in high heels and shorty pajamas.

It was Mooka.

Don't you have any time this afternoon?

Oh, I've got an architectural class until 3:00.

Oh, great. He's in with Girard till 5:00.

Shoot, I'm tutoring until 6:00.

Perfect.

Well, what about tonight?

Could I possibly come over tonight?

I think that could probably be arranged.

- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, great. That's wonderful.

Okay, I'll definitely come over after I put the lump to bed.

Would you like me to wear anything in particular?

No, anything made of Saran Wrap ought to be just perfect.

- All right. - Okay.

- Woman: What's going on? - Man: It's amazing.

So how's Dr. Webster doing with your instructors?

Very good. Three down, two to go.

He said he got them to agree that because of my valuable assistance

to the psychology department, I don't have to take any tests.

( chanting ) More! More! More! More!

Uh-oh. I think I better get in there.

( chanting continues ) More! More! More!

( chanting stops )

Alex: I wish you'd get undressed.

It would make this whole thing so much easier.

Next time, I'm just gonna run you through a car wash.

Here, look.

I'm going to introduce you now to Mr. Soap, okay?

I hope the two of you will become great friends.

Why do you look so sad? I'm not angry with you.

It wasn't your fault. It was my fault.

I'm sorry, okay?

Can you forgive me?

Forgive.

( grunts, laughs )

Oh, boy. Yeah.

I was just-- we were just--

( laughs )

Hi, guys. How you doing?

- ( TV playing ) - ( scissors snipping )

Okay. Let's see what we got here.

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm very disappointed.

- Very disappointed. - Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's getting kind of late, huh?

Bedtime for Bonzo, young man.

- ( squeaks ) - You, too, young rat.

- ( yawns ) - ( yawns )

- ( groans ) - ( groans )

Yeah.

Go to bed.

- No. Your own bed. - No. Your own bed.

- Right. - Right.

Good night.

Night.

( lamp clatters )

( snoring )

Just going to get something to drink.

- I'm thirsty. - Thirsty.

- Forget it. - Forget it.

- Not thirsty anymore. - Not thirsty anymore.

- Bed. Up. - Bed up.

( sighs )

- Would you go to your own bed, please? - My bed.

( snoring )

( wood creaks )

Get upstairs! Get upstairs. Go, go.

- Now. - Now.

I'm never gonna get out of here.

( snoring )

- ( screams ) - Stoki.

( laughs )

I give up. I'm going to sleep now.

- Good night. - Night.

- ( crowd cheering ) - ( cheerleaders chanting )

- What happened last night? - I got trapped.

I had candles, bubbles, massage oil, everything.

Go, go. Good. Good. Go, team.

Yeah, go, team, go.

Go, team, go. Come on.

Stand up. Go-- don't look-- yeah, look.

Why don't we just go somewhere right now?

He'll never miss us. He's having the time of his life.

No.

Please? It'll take five minutes. Six at the most.

We'll be right-- ( chuckles )

right back, I pro-- promise.

( groans ) Okay. Okay.

I'm just gonna go get drinks. I'll be right back.

I'll be right back.

Come back soon, honey. She's gonna get drinks.

I think I'm gonna go help her.

So you stay here, okay?

- Bounce ball. - No bounce ball.

- Throw ball. - No throw ball either.

Stay.

Good boy.

( claps )

Dog breath, throw the ball. Come on.

- No throw ball. - Throw the ball.

No throw ball.

Guys, get the ball back. Go ahead.

( crowd clamoring )

( crackles )

Oh!

Facolaca!

( grunts )

Hi. Sorry we're late. We had to stop and have his shirt--

Alex, yesterday was totally unacceptable.

You have a responsibility here.

( stammers ) Cathy and I were gone for two minutes.

Maybe five. Eight at the most.

You realize you could have gotten our friend here locked up for good?

Okay, I screwed up. I screwed up and I'm sorry.

Okay?

I think you'll see by this demonstration

just how far along he's come.

He now has the vocabulary of a three-year-old child,

which is well over 1,000 words.

And you're sure he's not just repeating sounds?

Oh, no. It's ideas, concepts, the whole thing.

He has an insatiable appetite for learning.

Sometimes I can barely keep up.

- I'm sorry we're late. - It's all right.

- Hi. - Hi.

Well, are you ready to show everyone

what you've learned so far?

Good.

Chair. Sit on chair.

( clatters )

Lamp for light.

Pencil. Draw.

Telephone.

411 for information.

911 for help.

976 for good time.

Girard: What's this?

- Banana. - Yes.

- Bounce banana. - No, no. No, no, no.

It's a joke. It's a joke. Eat banana.

Yes. You see? Joke. Concepts.

- All right, and what's this? - Hand.

And what is the hand used for?

Hold, grab, touch, feel.

- What's this? - Dress.

And who wears a dress?

Pope.

- Where's your nose? - Nose.

- And your eye? - Eye.

- And your tongue? - Tongue.

Good. And where are your feet?

- Left foot. - Left foot.

- Right foot. - Very good. Your knees.

Don't you think it's time to concede

that you might have made a error in judgment here?

Even Jack the Ripper had long periods

of docile and inactive behavior.

- Left armpit. Right armpit. - That's good.

I think you've done very well.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

In fact, I think you and I are due a long talk in my office.

Good. Good.

Does anyone have any questions?

- None here. - Not from me.

Do you have any questions?

What part of body this?

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

That's an area we'll cover

a little later in your development.

Oh, boy.

I want to thank you for your work and all of you for coming.

Want to see Cathy.

I believe that's your department, Dr. Webster.

Please.

Well, can I trust you and Cathy

to take him somewhere and not get in trouble?

Please.

What are you doing? Come this way.

Turn around and go this way.

Turn around. Hey, hey.

Excuse him. He doesn't mean to--

Hey, turn around and go back.

Go back and come around this way now.

Do as I say. Just go up and around.

I can't believe you. He's not harmful.

He's fine.

Lamp. Store. Bags. Baby.

- Dress. Underpants. - ( woman screams )

- Oh, I'm so-- excuse us. - Trees.

50% off sale.

- ( barking ) - Heel. Heel.

Caesar.

( barking )

Will you cut it out, sir?

( barking )

I'm really disappointed in you.

- Dog started it. - I don't care who started it.

- I don't care who started it. - Stop it.

- Stop it. - I'm telling you, it's like having a pet man.

Come on, how bad can it be?

I'll tell you how bad. This morning he sang

a three-and-a-half-hour version of Maka Malooga.

You know, the other night, I actually kissed Mooka good night.

You hear me? I kissed a rat good night on the lips.

And what's worse, I think I liked it.

He doesn't even kiss Mooka on the lips.

- Sounds like you're doing a great job. - It does?

Don't you get into any more trouble.

- Okay. - Last night we fought over the television again.

I wanted to watch "Taxi" reruns,

but Mr. Class here had to watch "Masterpiece Theatre."

I know he's just doing it to piss me off.

Who's Lady Edna?

Lady Edna, mistress to Lord Wallington,

sister of Lady Clark, confidante of Prince Philip,

lady-in-waiting to Richard Earl of York.

Lucky guess.

Cathy: Actually, I'm quite impressed.

- Want picture. - Oh, yeah?

- Hi. How much is this? - $3.

Oh, great. Let's go for it. Have a seat.

- Oh, I love this. - Me, too.

( laughs )

Hi, folks. May I help you?

Yeah, I'll have two drumsticks and a wing.

I'd like a wing and two breasts and a thigh.

And you, sir?

You can have any part you want.

A leg, a wing, a breast. Any part.

So go ahead. Tell the nice lady what you want.

Two faces.

Okay.

Now it's just up those stairs and to the right.

Go on.

Hey.

You can do it.

I believe in you.

Go for it.

Don't forget to knock.

( knocking )

Webster: Come in.

- ( knocking continues ) - Come in.

- ( knocking continues ) - Mmm.

Ah, come in.

( continues knocking )

It's all right, come in.

Come on.

- Hi. - Hi.

Would you like to shake my hand?

Okay.

Well, I guess that'll do for now.

( sighs )

Lie down on the couch, please.

There you go.

Just lie down there.

( humming ) Comfortable?

( muffled )

Was that a yes?

( muffled )

It might be better if you were facing up.

Oh.

( thuds )

Let's see, we got...

( groans )

Why don't you just sit down?

Yeah, okay.

Okay.

Um...

I have a few basic questions to ask.

But first,

do you remember who your mother and father are?

No. Who?

No, I don't know. I was asking you.

Oh.

Well, I'd like to start over.

Do you know where you came from?

No, where?

I don't know. I'm asking you.

Oh.

Do you remember having a name?

No.

Well, think back to when you were a small boy

and people would first see you.

What would they say?

Yuck.

- Ah. - Sometimes feck.

Well.

I think the first thing we can do is get a name for you.

And I think you should pick it.

Now, can you think of a name that you'd like to be your name?

What?

Judy Finkle.

Well, Judy Finkle is a nice name.

- Thank you. - But it's a woman's name.

- Okay. - Well, it's not exactly okay.

You should have a man's name.

Now I want you to think of a man's name.

A name that you think suits you.

William F. Buckley.

I believe there is a William F. Buckley.

Right.

William G. Buckley.

I think you should have your own name.

A name that is not like a famous person's.

Bob.

Bob?

Bob Maloogaloogaloogaloogalooga.

Anyone famous named

Bob Maloogaloogaloogaloogalooga?

- I doubt it. - Good.

Well, Mr....

Maloogaloogaloogaloogalooga.

Looga, yeah.

One malooga, four loogas.

All right. Why don't I just call you Bob?

- Don't know. - Okay.

Did you know how to talk before?

Little.

Mmm, who taught you, your mother?

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Do you remember the last time you saw her?

She sick.

Yeah.

Where was your father?

Uh, went away.

- Ah. - When Bob small.

Didn't come back.

No.

Tell me about your mother.

Liked her.

Very much.

Then...

she got more sick...

and went to sleep.

And...

didn't wake up.

What happened to you after your mother...

went to sleep?

People took me away and locked me up.

They didn't like me.

How do you know that?

They hit me and they kicked me, too.

So...

one day weren't looking,

Bob hide in closet.

Then run away.

You ended up here in the tower?

Yeah. Yeah.

What language was that you were talking when we found you?

Made it up

so Bob could be own friend.

Well, now you have people here who are your friends.

Yeah.

Yeah, Bob know.

Good.

You've done very well.

Now, any questions you want to ask me?

Yeah. Why is my face leaking?

* Make a change in your life *

* And make it for the better *

* Don't you wait no longer *

* It'll just set you back further *

* Make a change in your life... *

Girard: All right, Bob.

I'd like you to try and read these sentences if you can.

All right?

"Bob is in bed." "Bob had a big ball."

"Bob sits in a chair." "Bob went to the store."

That is very good, Bob.

Before you know it, you'll be reading books.

Bob already read book.

"Lust Unchained."

- Bob read for you. - Oh, you know, Bob--

"Derek placed his left hand on her knee

and slowly slid it up her leg to her thig."

- Thigh. - Thigh.

Thigh.

I have a book here I think you'd like a lot better.

"It exposed the lily-white mounds of flesh..."

- "Quinton Needs Quit." - "...which were now heaving with...

desire.

On the surface, Susan appeared cool,

but she secretly wanted to be rav--

rav--"

Ravaged.

Ravaged.

"He unzipped her--"

I think that's enough of that for now.

Why don't you and I go over to the cafeteria

and grab ourselves a bit to suck?

Eat. Eat.

A bit to eat. All right?

Come on.

Bob, give me the book.

( paper rips )

And the page.

- Ahem. - Dr. Webster.

Hey! Throw plate! Throw plate!

Here it comes.

- Oh! - Sorry.

- Got it. - Great.

Yeah, okay. This is a long one now.

- ( grunts ) - Sorry again.

Got it.

Yeah, great. Okay, go out.

This is coming right to you.

- ( grunts ) - Oh, no!

- Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay.

- Yeah. - Look.

Why don't you kids go on off somewhere

and I'll take care of Bob?

Give him a ride or something.

Okay, but Bob doesn't like it when you ride him.

Look, I'm trying to give you two enough time to go study for finals.

You forget, Cathy has finals and I have Bob.

- Alex, you have finals, too. - No, that's not the deal.

The deal is that I don't have to take any tests this semester, remember?

You have to take finals, Alex.

- Finals are tests. - Finals are finals, Alex.

If you don't take them, you're gonna flunk out of school.

I'm two months behind. I have to pull a B average. How am I gonna do that?

I'll help you take care of Bob. I know we can do this.

I'm a dead man.

Good luck.

Get your books out and cram.

I don't even know where my books are anymore.

What am I talking about? I don't even know where my classes are anymore.

I cannot believe I've gotten myself into this mess.

And after all the sacrifices I've made, you know?

What have I gotten out of it?

You got me.

Man on TV: A dog. A cat.

- A parrot. - Things you eat.

A fish.

Things you lick. Things you don't lick.

Would one of you mind turning that down, please?

- I have to study. - Want Bob to help?

Yeah, right. Alex want Bob to help.

- What's the pituitary? - Pituitary.

A small endocrine gland attached to brain.

Secretes hormones affecting growth.

How many times have I told you not to look at my books?

- Nine. - Then why do you keep doing it?

Bob want to be smart like Alex.

Well, do me a favor, okay?

From now on, don't touch my things, okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

- Okay. Okay. - Okay. Okay.

- Okay. - Okay.

( quietly ) Okay. Okay.

( turns off )

( sighs ) Bob.

Yeah?

It's really not your fault that I can't study.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

- Alex. - Yeah?

Never mind.

- Alex. - Yeah?

- Never mind. - Never mind.

What is it?

Bob have something important to tell Alex

that's very hard for Bob to say.

Well, why don't you tell me what it is and I'll say it?

- Alex. - It's a joke.

Joke.

Alex not be mad?

Alex not be mad.

Bob gonna get Cathy.

Bob gonna get Cathy what?

That's it.

Bob gonna get Cathy.

Oh.

( sighs )

Bob, we should have told you this before,

but Cathy and I have been hiding our feelings for each other

because we don't want to hurt you.

We both care very much about you.

But Cathy is my girlfriend

and I'm her boyfriend.

Yeah, now.

I really don't want to see your feelings get hurt.

Bob feel same way about Alex.

You realize you're being a little unrealistic, right?

Alex afraid of competition?

Competition? What competition?

Bob smart. Bob talented.

Bob have good sense of humor.

Bob have excellent study habits.

That last one was uncalled for.

And for your information,

my studying is really coming along just fine.

Yeah, well, Bob will be here with Cathy

when Alex back in New Jersey selling end tables.

Guess what? I plan to be here next semester.

Yeah, well, not as student. Maybe janitor.

You want to make a bet?

Bob hate to take Alex's girl and money.

Okay, a gentleman's agreement.

A bet between friends.

No tell Cathy about bet?

Agreed.

The winner ends up with Cathy at the end of the term.

Well, if Alex study hard, work hard,

maybe Alex win.

Maybe not.

What do you plan to work on between now and then?

Everything.

- That's a lot. - I can do it.

- Maybe. - Yeah, no maybe.

- Good luck. - Same to you.

- Thank you. - Welcome.

Leave me alone. I have to study now, okay?

Good.

( groans )

Bob: So, tell Bob,

what does a woman look for in a man?

( laughs ) Well...

I think most women would like a man

who's kind, intelligent, strong,

affectionate, tender.

What about good sense of humor

and excellent study habits?

Sure, I guess most women would like that, too.

Good.

So what is Cathy making?

It's a house.

Oh.

For very small people.

Man on radio: On the Stanley Hoyle show,

we're gonna be looking into politicians

and their corrupt wives.

So you be sure to tune in for more nuts and sluts

on the Stanley Hoyle show.

How's it going, Einstein?

That good, huh?

I don't understand what the hell is so important about history.

It's all stuff that has already happened.

Without understanding of history,

Alex will not know where he came from.

Without understanding of history,

Alex will not profit from mistakes of the past.

But mainly, without understanding of history,

Alex will end up in schlock furniture store in New Jersey.

Right. What do you got there?

Oh, vitamins, diet books,

exercise books, blender.

Where are you getting all the money for this stuff?

Bob been saving. Saving for long time.

Bob save money Bob find in washer/dryer,

in old clothes, in mattresses,

inside wallets.

Whoa. You must have thousands of dollars there.

12,605.

Had to spend some.

Bob gonna try to lose a little weight.

Firm up. Tired of wearing clothes

that also fit perfectly over Xerox machine.

Actually, I think you're looking pretty good.

Okay, you could lose a pound or two.

$4 missing.

It must have fell off.

Sure.

* He's a new man

* Here we go...

- Ah! - ( crashes )

( groaning )

* He's a new man

* He's a new man...

( groans )

He's speed-reading.

- Students: Shh! - Quiet.

That's it for today, class. Thank you.

Hi.

Bob. What a surprise.

I wasn't expecting to see you here today.

Is there a problem, Bob?

Bob want to learn how to make good nookie.

Nookie?

Yeah, Bob read all about nookie in book.

"How To Turn On Women."

I see.

Well... ( clears throat )

Have you ever made nookie before?

- With woman? - Yes.

With something other than a woman?

With what, Bob?

Dr. Girard no laugh?

Dr. Girard no--

no, no, I won't laugh at you, Bob.

Okay.

Bob

once make nookie

with Buick Skylark.

And Dodge Charger.

And campus washer/dryer.

And Hoover vacuum cleaner.

Two speeds. ( imitates vacuum )

I see. Yes.

Well, you know, I think we ought to go over--

Dr. Girard want to go for date with Bob?

Well, I don't think so, no.

For dinner?

Well, now, Bob, do you really think

that you're ready to dine out?

Oh, Bob ready. Bob ready. Bob show.

Bob.

Bob.

I want to talk to you-- all right. All right.

All right. No, no, it's fair.

Wait here.

Don't go. Don't go.

Care to sit, honey?

( sniffs )

You smell especially seductive this evening.

- Thank you. - Welcome.

Care to dance?

Mood not right.

Bob.

Bob.

Wait. Wait.

( growling )

* You must remember this

* A kiss is just a kiss

* A sigh is just a sigh *

* Dah dah.

- Diane. - Yes, Bob?

What is French kiss?

Well, it's just sort of a different kind of kiss.

Oh. How different?

Well, it's a little like a regular kiss,

only the two people open their mouths

and they touch tongues.

Oh. Could Bob and Diane French kiss?

Something wrong with Bob?

Oh, Bob, no.

All right, Bob.

Let's see now.

Right, just kind of...

Is Diane having a good time?

Oh, yes, I'm having a wonderful time.

Good.

You think Cathy would like to French kiss?

Cathy?

Yeah, Bob do all this

for Cathy.

Well, I don't know if Cathy would like to French kiss, now, do I?

Maybe you should ask her yourself.

I have to go now.

Good-bye.

Bye.

- Bob learn poem. - Yeah?

"There once was a man from Nantucket--"

I know that one, Bob.

Great.

You care for a plastic of wine?

Sure.

Therefore if Plato really believe

that virtue was its own reward,

why do his books cost so much, huh?

( class laughs )

Plato's teacher was a man named--

what, Alex? A man named what?

- Uh, Plato's teacher was Socrates. - That's very good.

I'm sorry, Professor, to interrupt you like this.

This is something I think Bob would like to share with your class.

Bob, I have a surprise for you here.

- Is it a pony? - ( class laughs )

- No, it's not a pony, Bob. - Oh.

It's a telegram here and I would like to read it for you.

Wanted a pony.

Or a hippo.

Dr. Fisk, how appropriate.

Would you mind reading this telegram for the class here, please?

You can start right there at the top.

Damn it.

"Dr. Richard Webster."

Excuse me. This is a public speaking class.

I suppose you would prefer to have her stand up here.

Would you mind standing up here and speaking to the class?

Thank you.

"Dr. Richard Webster.

I have been following the crap

about the so-called wild man you found--"

- Can you hear her back there at all? - No.

"I have been following the crap

about the so-called wild man you found

and how you and your liberal buddies have miraculously

turned this creep into a pussycat.

Ha. I would like to challenge all of you

to appear on my television show

- if you dare, you puking liars." - ( class laughs )

"Signed Stanley Hoyle,

star of 'According to Hoyle.'"

( cheering, whooping )

You're not seriously gonna appear on this lowlife's program?

Of course we are.

He'll have them eating out of his hand.

Why would Bob want to?

Bob, it's gonna give you the opportunity

to show how you have developed.

- How you evolved. - Evolved.

Dr. Fisk, wouldn't you like the opportunity

to get on television and apologize

for your original diagnosis?

I don't think so.

But thank you so much for asking.

Don't worry, Dr. Fisk. I'll tell the entire world

how you wanted to have him locked up

and what a wonderful human being you've been.

* Love's the only thing that keeps you alive *

* And your feet on the ground *

* I could be anything

* That you could be

* So don't close your eyes when you look at me... *

Alex: Bob!

Turn it down.

( music continues through headset )

( humming )

Bob.

Come on.

( clapping )

You're clapping. You're clapping.

Could you stop?

( whistling )

Whistling!

( whirrs )

( whirring to beat )

Leaving.

Thank you so much.

( music continues )

* I could be anything that you could be *

* So don't close your eyes when you look at me *

* I'm a wild child...

Cathy: So you can see that the elephant's skin is very thick,

but it's also very sensitive.

And elephants are the largest mammals on Earth.

Does anyone know what separates mammals from other animals?

- Boy: Bad breath. - ( children laugh )

Cathy: Yeah, but what all mammals have in common

is warm blood, hair,

and backbones.

Miss Robinson, could you take over for a few minutes?

I'll be right back.

- Bob? - Hi.

( laughs ) I can't believe this.

You look terrific.

New suit.

So I see.

Bob have another surprise for Cathy.

Come.

( laughs )

- So what's the surprise? - Wait. Wait.

- Come on. I'm excited. - Wait.

What?

I don't understand.

Engagement ring.

Oh, Bob.

I can't accept that.

It's okay. It's all paid for.

Put it on.

Something wrong? You don't like it?

- No. - Bob sorry.

Bob don't know much about rings.

It's not that.

Bob.

A man usually gives a ring to a woman

when they're involved with each other.

I mean, I think that you're...

so kind and bright.

And you have made incredible progress.

But I can't marry you. I have other plans.

I think you're a very special person.

And I know that we can always be really good friends.

But that's all.

Bob.

I feel so bad.

He proposed to me.

Yeah.

I'll take him home and I'll call you tonight, okay?

Okay.

Hey.

How you doing?

Come on, let's go home.

I wish there was something I could say.

I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better.

I wish none of this ever happened.

( phone ringing )

Hello.

Mr. Kaminsky, I'm one of Dr. Webster's assistants.

There is a serious problem with Bob here.

Could you come over right away, please?

Yeah, I'll be right there.

I have to go away for a few minutes.

I'm gonna come right back, though, okay?

Just take care of each other, the two of you.

Love conquers all.

Love is what dreams are made of.

Love.

Love.

Love sucks.

( phone ringing )

Now what?

- Yeah? - Hello, is this Bob?

Who wants to know?

Bob, this is Dr. Fisk.

Cathy's been hurt. She had an accident.

She hit her head. She's hurt real bad.

Cathy hurt?

That's right. She's in her room at the dorm.

- She needs you. - Cathy needs me.

- Cathy hurt. - Bob. Bob.

Cathy hurt.

Cathy hurt!

Hello, operator. Yes, give me the campus police, please.

Cathy hurt.

Cathy hurt.

( bikes rattle )

Bob hurt.

Facolaca!

Man: Hey, you. What's going on here?

Bob trying to get to girls' dorm,

but bicycles tried to kill him.

- Bye. - Whoa, whoa, hold it right there.

Hold what right where?

If you think you're getting in there, you got another thing coming.

Could Bob have other thing later? Bob have to go now.

This guy's pulling my leg.

No, no, maybe it was him. Bob no touch your leg.

Wait a minute. What kind of idiots do you take us for?

What are Bob's choices?

That does it. You're coming with us.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Bob sorry.

Bob want to apologize.

- For what? - For this.

Ow!

I'd like to report

there's been a break-in at the girls' dorm.

Here come Bob, Cathy.

Certainly.

I'm glad to help.

- ( alarm ringing ) - ( girls screaming )

Don't scream.

Wrong room.

- Cathy hurt. Cathy hurt. - What?

- Cathy hurt. - No, Bob, I'm fine.

- Cathy hurt. - Put me down.

- I'm fine. - Cathy not hurt.

- I'm fine. No. - Cathy not hurt?

- No. No. - Cathy not hurt.

- Hey, what's going on in here? - Bob, what are you doing?

Bob, open the door. Open the door.

( groans )

- Bob! Bob! - Cathy.

( girls screaming )

- Bob, everything's gonna be okay. - Bob do wrong.

- Don't belong here. - Bob, don't run.

Bob run away.

No, don't. Stop.

Come on. Let's call Alex.

- ( bikes rattle ) - Facolaca!

Bob?

- Bob? - Bob?

Mooka?

There's got to be a logical explanation for all this.

- What exactly happened? - Well, he just...

Excuse me, Captain.

( distant siren blaring )

Dr. Webster, I understand your concern.

But my concern is for the students of this campus.

We've looked everywhere and we can't find him.

What do we do now?

You alert the Los Angeles Police Department.

- No. - We can't do that.

Alex is right. If the judge finds out about this,

he'll have Bob put away.

We don't have a choice. He's out there all alone

wandering around, no telling what's gonna happen to him.

Do what you got to do.

I don't know.

Woman on TV: There is still no word tonight

on the whereabouts of the controversial hunchback

who escaped from the university.

He may still be in the Los Angeles area

and is considered extremely dangerous.

He reportedly answers to the name of Bob

Maloogaloogaloogalooga...

Looga.

...looga.

Cosponsors of the fugitive are facing various...

- ( screams ) - ( screams )

( sighs )

Oh, Kaminsky.

I just received your final grades.

See you around.

Did I come close?

By "see you around," I meant you got your B average.

- What? - Congratulations.

Huh.

Why am I not smiling?

( imitates Bob ) I don't know.

- ( barks ) - ( gasps )

( barks )

( barks )

( barks ) Bob.

( whines )

- ( barks ) - ( barks )

Mooka. No eat Mooka.

( barks )

Damn it.

( music playing on TV )

( applause )

Hey, guys. It's the Hoyle show.

Hoyle: In the next hour, we're going to delve

in deep and, I hope revealing, detail

into the sordid story of a hideous, mutated hunchback.

Now this repulsive and dangerous criminal

goes by the name of-- oh, and please, ladies and gentlemen,

get this name and then maybe we should talk about immigration reform--

Bob Maloogaloogaloogalooga.

Looga.

Who even now is stalking the streets of Los Angeles

in search of his next victim, which could be you.

Me?

So don't you dare move.

I'm Stanley Hoyle.

( audience cheering )

Here this afternoon, we've got them all for you.

We've got the beauty that broke his heart.

The opportunistic roommate.

The liberal college professor.

The well-intentioned but naive instructor.

The responsible judge.

And, of course, we're also very fortunate to have with us

the astute psychiatrist who tried to warn them all.

But, audience, did they listen?

- No! - Did they listen?

No!

Let me ask you, how would you like to actually meet

this Bob-- the boogie-woogie,

whatever his name is? We got him.

- What? - Here he is.

( audience cheering )

Dr. Fisk, let me ask you.

How does it make you feel to be the only person

who pegged this dummy for what he really is?

Yes, I did, didn't I?

But what's most important, though,

is that this substantiates my original hypothesis,

which is that social misfits

should be separated from society.

They should be isolated. They really should be...

- Locked up? - Yeah.

Locked up. I couldn't agree with you more.

As a matter of fact, I think the rest of these bleeding hearts

are gonna be held responsible for this maniac roaming the streets.

Hey, folks, let me tell you,

I mean, I'm no lawyer, but from where I stand,

these people are in big, big trouble.

Friends in big trouble. Where is this show?

KHB, it's a block left and about a mile down.

- Right. - Hey.

- Hey, aren't you the-- - No, I'm not.

( dogs barking )

- What time you got? - What?

- What time is it? - 4:25.

- 4:25? - ( barking )

Taxi.

- KHB Studios. - Right.

You can close the door whenever you're ready.

Ready.

Go, go, go.

Driver: Stop licking my neck.

Wasn't me. It was dog.

That's right, they did nothing.

- Can I say something? - What do you think? Can he say something?

- Audience: No! - Hey!

Give him a chance.

These dogs will cost you extra $2 a head.

How much for rest of their bodies?

We originally agreed to appear here

so Bob could show everybody all the things he accomplished.

Oh, yeah? Is that why he knocked out two policemen?

What about that?

Yeah, and he broke into a girls' dorm, right?

- Driver: You talk funny. - You talk funny, too.

- Where are you from? - Transylvania.

That's where Pittsburgh is.

And what were you doing? You were running a day care for muggers.

I was trying to rehabilitate another human being.

Maybe another human being from your point of view, pal,

but certainly not from mine.

Excuse me. Excuse me, I have to say this is very unkind of you.

- Unkind? - Yes.

Let me ask you something. Would you marry him?

- What time you got? - Quarter of 5:00.

Quarter of-- facolaca! Go, go!

I have signed the commitment papers

and I have them right here.

Well, I think that's very nice, Gramps,

but as far as I'm concerned, you're a little slow off the mark.

I think you should have thrown his big butt in jail to begin with.

Bob: Here is money.

You keep dogs for Bob, okay?

Sure. With a tip like this, I'll keep them till the cows come home.

From where? Oh, never mind.

Excuse me. You have a pass?

No, thank you.

Guys, we got a problem.

( alarm ringing )

Guard: Stop, you!

Out of the way, fruit.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

- Excuse me, carrot. - He's heading for the Hoyle show.

Cut him off.

All right, mister. Slow down there.

Hoyle: This is my show. Shut up.

Can you believe it?

Anyway, Darwin, the great evolutionist,

once said that the only species

that allows its misfits to reproduce

is man. Now listen.

It's our responsibility, it's our duty

to keep these monsters from poisoning the race.

Am I right, folks? How about it?

- ( cheering ) - Look!

( audience screaming )

( Bob shouting )

Gotcha!

Let me go. They're looking up my dress.

- Why you lie to Bob? - Somebody get me down.

Get a camera and a mic over there.

Let's let everyone hear what they're saying.

Why you tell Bob Cathy hurt?

You were gonna make a fool of me.

You were gonna ruin my reputation.

Bob will tell everyone what you do.

Who do you think the world's gonna believe, you or me?

( chanting ) Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob!

( chanting continues )

( cheering )

Bob! Bob! Bob!

Nice work.

( cheering )

Whoa!

Bob, you were terrific.

It was all on camera.

You know, Fisk, if I were Bob,

I'd choke you unconscious.

( audience cheers )

We're all proud of you, Bob.

- Bob do good, huh? - Alex: You did great.

You were wonderful.

Audience: Whoo!

Bob.

- I owe you... - Yeah.

...an apology.

Well, where is it?

I apologize.

( cheering )

Okay. Bob, you're been through so darn much lately.

What do you think's gonna happen to you now?

Don't know.

Well, I think with a little effort,

we can get you a scholarship, Bob.

It would be a shame to waste such a wonderful tongue.

- Mind. - Mind. What did I say?

- Tongue. - Oh.

That would be so great. We could all be together again.

- Yeah. - Hoyle: Bob.

If you had to do it all over again,

would you change anything? Would you do anything differently?

Do anything different?

Yeah. This.

( gasps )

( humming )

Two speeds.

( music playing )

* Ooh-hoo

* So in love, sad as could be *

* 'Cause a pretty face got the best of me *

* Suddenly you came into my life *

* And gave it meaning and pure delight *

* Now good looks I've learned to do without *

* 'Cause now I know it's love that really counts *

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Oh, yeah

* Speak your words warm and sincere *

* And let me know that your love is here *

* A pretty face you may not possess *

* But what I like is your tenderness *

* A pretty face may be some guys' taste *

* But I'll take loving in its place *

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Oh, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Oh, yeah

* Ooh-hoo-hoo

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Ooh-hoo

* Oh, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Oh, yeah

* My friends ask what do I see in you *

* But it goes deeper than the eye can view *

* You have a pleasing personality *

* And that's an ever loving rare quality *

* Show me a girl, a girl that's fine *

* And I'll choose the one with true loving every time *

* 'Cause beauty's only skin-deep *

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Oh, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Oh, yeah

* So if you're looking for a lover *

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Don't judge a book by its cover *

* Oh, yeah

* She may be fine on the outside *

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* But so untrue on the inside *

* Oh, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Oh, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Oh, yeah

* Speak your words warm and sincere *

* And let me know that your love is here *

* A pretty face you may not possess *

* But what I like is your tenderness *

* A pretty face may be some guys' taste *

* But I'll take loving in its place *

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Oh, yeah

* Ooh-hoo-hoo

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Ooh-hoo

* Oh, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Oh, yeah

* My friends ask what do I see in you *

* But it goes deeper than the eye can view *

* You have a pleasing personality *

* And that's an ever loving rare quality *

* Show me a girl, a girl that's fine *

* And I'll choose the one with true loving every time *

* 'Cause beauty's only skin-deep *

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Oh, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Oh, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Oh, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Oh, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Beauty's only skin-deep

* Yeah, yeah.

Bob: Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Bye.