Original subtitles

Hey, guys.

Do I want to know about the racing gear?

- I can explain. - No, actually, I was asking myself.

Do I want to know about the racing gear?

No, Patrick, you don't.

This girl I'm dating wants to do some motocross later

and the outfit's a little snug, so I'm stretching it out.

You know why it's snug, don't you?

Yeah, because my girlfriend picked it out and I look awesome in it.

No, because when you break every bone in your body,

it'll keep them in the general shape of a human skeleton.

Well, that's not true.

Is that true?

Yeah. I was totally in love with a guy who did motocross.

But he broke his spine and when they put him back together,

he was shorter than me, so, you know, he had to go.

Well, I'm not worried.

It's just racing on a dirt track with a couple of jumps.

Kids do this all the time. And super cool adults.

So anybody got anything else they want to discuss?

Yeah, I do. And I'm really excited.

You know that money my dad's giving me to start a new business?

Wait a minute. Her father's giving her more money?

The only thing my father ever gave me

was a healthy suspicion of people that look like her father.

I think your father gave you a healthy suspicion

of everybody who wasn't white.

That's true. He was a good man.

Anyways, after seriously considering

what I could offer the world to make it a better place,

I've decided to start

a really expensive line of shoes.

I think that's great.

And so does 1% of the rest of the world.

But the best news is Lacey's decided to make me

her new shoe company's head designer.

And I've already got a ton of ideas.

The Patrick wedge. The Patrick heel.

And a sandal I'm calling the Lacey.

I'm not really happy with the design yet.

Eventually it'll be called the Patrick.

Hold on a second. I'm your boyfriend

and you never called me for help.

Why didn't you want me involved?

Oh, well, this is important to me

and I don't trust you.

That came out wrong. What I meant to say is

I don't trust you with this

or anything else that's important to me.

I think that that came out wrong, too.

Charlie, could you help me out here?

No, I think you got a great hole going.

I say keep digging.

What about you, Charlie? You trust me, don't you?

Of course I do.

I think you're an incredibly capable young man

who everybody underestimates at times.

Thank you. At least someone respects me.

Yeah, a grown man dressed like a 12-year-old boy

who's going dirt biking with a bunch of kids.

And cool adults, okay?

And cool adults.

[ theme music playing ]

- Hey. - Hey.

- What happened to your arm? - Remember Allie?

The waitress with the glass eye?

That was Ellie.

The lawyer that called you Your Honor during sex?

That was Sally.

This is Allie, the girl that was into having sex in dangerous places.

So you hurt your arm having sex? Where, in your backyard?

My backyard, what?

Your backyard is dangerous. I stepped on a rake the other day.

In cartoons that's funny, in real life it hurts like hell.

Actually, we were racing dirt bikes.

She's over having sex in dangerous places.

Now she's into having sex after doing dangerous things.

Like what?

Well, we've been speedboat racing,

rock climbing.

The closer she comes to cheating death,

the greater the sex is.

She's a sexual adrenaline junkie.

That is a problem.

She's gonna get crazier and crazier until somebody gets seriously hurt.

That's not gonna happen. She's not pressuring me to do anything I don't want to do.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go put Neosporin

on any place that I still have skin.

Oh, my God, bungee jumping was so hot.

My heart is still pounding. Feel.

Oh, my God. On the way down,

did you keep your eyes open or closed?

I don't know. I was pretty much watching my childhood go by.

[ laughs ] Oh, Charlie,

I love that you're up for anything.

Well, real men fear nothing.

Except maybe the boredom of going bungee jumping a second time.

How boring would that be? Boring.

No, I want to do something way crazier next time.

Something that I've never done before.

Have you ever been skydiving?

Uh, skydiving?

You're not scared, are you?

Why would I be scared?

I love July 4th at the ballpark.

I can't believe that anyone can jump from a plane

and land on that tiny target in center field.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, look to the skies

as our founding fathers George Washington

and Ben Franklin fly through the air

and land on the Declaration of Independence.

Shouldn't George Washington's parachute be open by now?

Gonzalez! Get off the mound!

- [ thuds ] - Oh!

Oh, my God.

Wait, where's Ben Franklin?

I don't know. I don't see him.

[ thuds ]

[ screaming ]

You want to know what's really scary?

A Ferris wheel.

Ferris wheel?

Well, sure. One loose pin,

that thing goes rolling down the Santa Monica Pier

taking out jugglers, mimes, children.

It's a mess.

Well, I've always wanted to jump out of a plane.

So if you're good to go, so am I.

Yay, skydiving.

Oh, I am so excited. Are you excited?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I feel like

Ben Franklin on the 4th of July.

- Wayne, can I ask you something? - Shoot.

Do you have any fears that you just couldn't get over?

No, but I've come across plenty of people who have.

My usual advice is,

"Shh, it'll be over soon."

Why, you got some sort of fear you can't get over, Charlie?

Well, I'm supposed to jump out of a plane with my girlfriend.

Don't be afraid. Parachute accidents happen all the time.

No one's gonna believe you killed her.

I don't want to kill her, Wayne.

You know, maybe I should ask someone else.

This is relationship talk and you're more

of a love 'em and leave 'em in a landfill kind of guy.

Sometimes I don't even love 'em.

Hey, Jordan.

You ever done any research on overcoming fears?

- Like what? - Oh, I don't know.

Like, maybe skydiving.

Actually, I have.

My research turned up a lot of evidence

to support that people with a fear of skydiving

have lower testosterone and smaller genitals.

As a matter of fact, eunuchs throughout history--

All right, all right. I know that you know that it's me, okay?

Yeah. That was fun.

Why are you going skydiving?

Well, I'm dating this girl who gets off on doing dangerous stuff.

And the sex afterwards is always amazing.

So you're willing to risk your life for amazing sex?

Hey, I've risked my life for other stuff.

I once dove into a rushing river to save a puppy

and all that did was make some stupid kid happy.

Thanks for mixing up sex with a story about a puppy.

Anything else you want to destroy for me?

I got laid in the back of a Build-A-Bear one time.

I don't want to hear it!

Look, I don't know what to do.

I'm jumping this weekend and I have to get over this fear.

Fine, I actually have done some research in this area

and I can come over and help you.

But all I'm gonna get out of it is making some stupid kid happy.

Yay, I'm gonna have great sex.

We realize this is very late notice, Mr. Wangchuck,

but we have a trade show coming up next week

and we're wondering if we could get samples of our shoe line immediately.

I designed them. These are the pictures.

Do you like them? I designed them.

Very nice. Cutting edge.

You start whole new fashion trend.

So can you get them to us that quickly?

Oh, yeah. If you need them back in five days,

we have them here in four.

Sign contract. You be very happy.

Did you hear that, Patrick? We be very happy.

I be very happy right now.

Uh, yeah, that's great. Sorry, just one quick question.

This picture of your factory floor,

those aren't children, are they?

No.

We are a race of small, adorable, hairless people.

But they looked so unhappy.

Not at all. In Bhutan, this is how we smile.

So those aren't children?

No, they're adults.

Because they looked like they were nine.

In Bhutan, you become an adult at eight.

Vote at nine. Drink at 10.

- I'm sold. - No.

I will not have my shoes made by second graders.

Who would normally be doing what?

Like, finger painting?

At least this way they'll be making how much?

Two cents a day.

Which is a lot in Bhutan, right?

No.

We're out of here. I can find someplace else.

I will not have the blood of children's hands on my shoes.

That never happen. We make them wear gloves.

You're a monster.

We make monster costume for Halloween.

Kids love to wear and make.

Only little bit flammable.

Okay, look, I'm not afraid of being on my roof.

I'm afraid of jumping out of an airplane.

I know. We're gonna do some visualization exercises

where I have you imagine that you're about to jump out of a plane.

I just figured it would be best if we were closer to the sky, you know?

You know I had sex up here once?

We were gonna do it under the stars,

but we wound up doing it under a news chopper.

They never found that cat burglar,

but the whole neighborhood could identify my ass.

Charming.

Now I want you to close your eyes

and visualize that you're in the plane.

The doors are open, you can feel the wind on your face.

[ trilling ]

- What's that? - That's the engine.

- [ trilling ] - That doesn't sound good.

This bucket of bolts is going down.

This does not feel like I'm skydiving.

[ sighs ] Fine.

I filled this backpack with books

so that it was the same weight as a parachute.

Put it on and maybe that'll make it feel more real.

I'm not putting that thing on. I'll just fall off the roof.

You are not going to fall.

Here, I'll show you.

[ screams ]

Holy crap. Are you okay?

I don't know. I fell into the bushes,

but I think I twisted my ankle.

Well, thank God that's all.

Why didn't you pull your chute?

- [ Jordan groans ] - Too soon?

Here's your not-too-cold, mountain spring,

not-from-America bottle of water.

That's better.

So what we did up there, did it help you?

Well, let's see, I saw someone get injured

falling from nine feet up,

so multiply that injury by 1,000 feet

and that's how much it helped.

- [ doorbell rings ] - Oh!

Did you order a pizza?

We could sit here, watch a movie and make a night of it.

No, that's Nolan. I called him to take you home.

You've only been here an hour and I'm ready to jump off the roof.

Hey, Charlie. Got the limo. Where's the patient?

I'm over here, Nolan.

Can you grab my stuff? It's in the kitchen.

Sure. So how'd it happen?

She put on this backpack--

Say no more. Those things are a hazard.

You might as well strap on a rabid monkey.

Nolan, I don't say this enough as your therapist,

but you are a fascinating man.

So why were you on the roof?

She was trying to help me get over my fear of skydiving.

Oh, I can help you do that.

I've jumped dozens of times.

I spent the summers working at my uncle's skydiving school.

Well, thanks, Nolan, but you helping me

could really cripple our doctor-patient relationship.

Especially if I end up crippled.

I'm serious. I really know what I'm doing with this.

It's not like building a career or managing finance

or trying to create a super pet by crossing a Chihuahua and a fruit bat.

Why would you do that?

A fruit bat is already basically a flying Chihuahua.

I know. You don't think I want those years back?

Come on, Charlie. You said that you trusted me in group.

Now is your chance to prove it.

- I know, but-- - I get it.

You don't trust me with anything important. No one does.

Nolan's an idiot. Fine. Good-bye.

Nolan, I trust you.

Just with different important things.

Oh, yeah? Name one thing.

Okay.

I trust that if I had a date coming over

and she loved Hot Pockets

that you'd know which flavor

pairs best with Sunny D.

You didn't even try.

It's ham and cheese!

[ knocking ]

[ gasps ] Oh, my God, they're here.

I told you we'd find a local factory

that would finish it in time.

Look at all these boxes of shoes.

It's like Christmas

or any other day when I buy myself a lot of shoes.

They're beautiful. I'm trying them on.

Yes, they're beautiful,

but I also designed them to be uncomfortable.

That's how you know they're expensive.

You want comfortable shoes, go to Target.

Oh, my God.

The heel broke. Are they all like that?

Relax. Probably just one bad apple.

I'm sure the rest are fine.

Well, the rhinestones are just coming off of this one.

You know what? I knew this would happen.

We should have let the Bhutanese kids do it.

I refuse to give my money to a sweatshop.

They're sweating because they're doing it right.

Calm down.

I'm sure we can just pop the rhinestones back into place.

Oh, my fingers are too big.

What are we going to do? The trade show is tomorrow.

I'll tell you what we're not going to do.

We are not going to freak out.

Get back in there, you stupid little hillbilly diamond!

- [ doorbell rings ] - I'll get it.

Is Mr. Fitzpatrick home?

I have the cookies he ordered.

Oh, my.

Your hands, they're so small and dainty.

Patrick, look.

Wow.

Maisy, can you pop this rhinestone back into place?

Sure.

[ gasps ] Wasn't that fun?

Do you like cookies?

Yeah, but we just sell them. We're not allowed to eat them.

Well, that doesn't seem right.

Wow, thanks.

Those must be hard to eat without milk.

You want some milk?

Well, you can have all the milk you want

right after you call the rest of your troop and get them over here

for a big milk and cookie arts and crafts

fix that box of shoes party.

You know, Nolan, I usually don't say this to a lot of customers,

but the way you eat disgusts me.

You know why you don't say that to a lot of customers?

Because they take back their tips.

Oh, no, there goes the home I was building in France.

Nolan, where the hell have you been?

You're not returning my texts, haven't been to group all week.

Because I know what you're gonna say.

You're really sorry you didn't trust me

and to make it up to me, you're gonna buy me a new car.

Well, I am sorry, but I'm not gonna buy you a new car.

There we go.

I'm not sure how much of this abuse I'm expected to take.

Look, I've been thinking about it past couple of days,

and I would really love for you to help me with the skydiving.

Really?

You trust me enough to put your life in my hands?

When you hear it out loud, it kind of hits in a different way.

But, yes, yes. I need a pro and you're a pro.

All right, but I can only teach you once we're up in the plane.

My uncle showed me a special technique

for helping nervous jumpers.

Oh, he was a great man.

God rest his crushed and shattered soul.

What happened, his chute didn't open?

No, he died in his sleep. He was 92 years old.

Oh, thank God.

He nodded off during his last jump

and was blown into the gorilla habitat

at the San Diego Zoo.

The gorillas took it from there.

Well, they are kind of territorial.

I am so gonna grab your ass on the way down.

The instructor was very clear

about maintaining proper spacing.

Your leg is really sweaty.

I think that's your hand, not my leg.

Probably because you're nervous.

There, there.

Allie, you're up.

It's my turn.

Last one to earth is a rotten egg.

Whoo-hoo!

Make a note. Her last two words

were whoo and hoo.

You're up, Charlie.

It's my turn and so far

you haven't done anything to help me. I'm freaking out here.

There's plenty of time for this to work.

Now, just stand up.

And close your eyes.

Try to relax.

Okay, what next?

This!

[ screams ]

He was wearing the chute, right?

Let's go, girls. Time is cookies.

Can I take a break? I'm tired.

You've already had your break.

But you can drink all the coffee you want.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Oh, of course, dear. Just past the kitchen.

Take your work. Take your work.

Can you open a window? It smells bad in here.

It smells bad in here because your sister puked.

She's four. She's eating the glue.

And this is her nap time.

Well, I'm 30 and this is my nap time.

My God, look what we've done.

I know.

I'm so proud of us making our product in America.

Hey, you two, stop talking.

- Last thing we need is a union. - Mm-hmm.

[ knocking ]

Coming.

- Hey. - Hey, Charlie.

You got a minute?

Nolan, you and I talked. We're good.

And I'm with Allie right now passionately celebrating

the fact that I'm not dead.

It won't take long. I know you forgave me after you jumped,

but just in case there's any hard feelings,

I want to give you this plant.

Oh, well, that's very sweet.

It's an African milk bush.

Couple things-- it's got to be inside, but in direct sun.

You got to feed it three or four times a day

and water it when it's dry to the touch.

You got to repot it during the peak growing season,

which is between June and July, but you can only use a clay pot.

And there's a small chance it could be full of red spider mites.

You won't know until they're in your carpeting.

Well, thank you for the apology.

And for my new part-time job.

You sure you're not mad at me?

'Cause I could swear you were cussing me out

after I pushed you out of the plane.

Nolan, you helped me get over a major fear.

I was yelling, "Thank you, Nolan. Thank you."

Then why did you say, "Go thank yourself"?

Because I thought you should have given

yourself some credit too.

Charlie, I just figured out what we should do next.

There's a place where you can swim with sharks.

And just to make it more exciting,

they put you in a cage covered in meat.

I don't know what else to say

except "thank you."

So we're good?

Yeah, yeah.

But I got to break up with her.

Can I give her this plant?

Sure.