Original subtitles

So how are we feeling today?

[ mutters ]

Yeah, you look trashed,

like you were out all night

guzzling alcohol and killing all your brain cells.

I'm so jealous.

Where were you, a rave, a club?

The Fryman bar mitzvah.

You got wasted at a bar mitzvah?

Yeah. They shut down

the hotel rooftop lounge that I was at,

so I went to the party downstairs

and drank the "bar" out of bar mitzvah.

So, who wants to start?

Oh, I got some good news.

When I was eight, I started sponsoring

a poor African kid for $11 a month,

and now, after all these years,

he's coming to visit me.

God, I wonder what America looks like

to someone who grew up

completely out of touch with the modern world.

Oh, I don't know.

Tell us, Ed.

I know what the modern world looks like,

and I bet you that kid's scamming you

like that Nigerian prince on the Internet

or that Kenyan in the White House.

Well, I think it's great.

I once sponsored a girl from Amsterdam,

but that was more of a webcam thing.

I'm serious, Charlie.

Everybody's busy scamming everybody else.

My wife and I just got ripped off

by a therapist who said he could fix our marriage

in one weekend for 500 bucks.

That's insane.

You can't fix a marriage in a weekend.

You can destroy a marriage in a weekend.

Pfft. I've done that.

Does this guy even have a license?

Oh, Dr. Randy's got a license,

but as soon as he gets you up there,

he starts charging you more and more for psychic readings.

What the hell? That's totally

against the A.P.A. ethics code.

By the time I was finished,

I was out $3,000,

and I still don't have my wife back.

There's nothing lower than a therapist

who takes advantage of people

in vulnerable situations.

I do this for a living.

I take it very seriously.

This from the man who made us

turn off all the lights and fight each other with lightsabers.

Well, that was about controlled confrontation

and fighting fair

and a little about who would rule the universe.

Wow, that was amazing.

I've never had sex on a coffee table before.

Yeah, well, I've never had sex

on a pile of "O" magazines before, so we're even.

Hey, tomorrow, you want to see

if you can get off work so we can have a nooner

that lasts till, like, I don't know, like, 6:30?

There's a game on that I want to see.

Oh, well, I would love to,

but I have a ton of work to do,

and there's no way Charlie will pick up the slack.

Unless he thought the slack would have sex with him.

[ knock on door ]

- Who is it? - It's Charlie.

One second. It's Charlie. Go hide.

Oh, screw that. Why don't we just tell him what we're doing?

He teases me enough for being a prude.

I can't imagine what he'll say

if he finds out I'm hooking up with you.

I don't want him to think I'm some dirty little tramp.

But you are.

I know. Shh. That's our secret.

Hey. Sorry. You weren't answering your phone.

Well, look at you all dressed to the ones.

I'm getting ready to go to bed, Charlie.

Look, Ed got ripped off

by some cheese-ball psychic therapist,

so my plan is to go to his retreat,

get a bunch of evidence on the guy,

and then get his license revoked.

Yeah, yeah, the world is full of crooks.

Life's unfair. Thanks for stopping by.

Yeah, but-- but I need your help.

This guy's retreat only works with couples.

You can even bring your blankie.

Are you crazy?

I am not going to pretend to be a couple with you.

Oh, come on. We'll be helping a lot of people.

We'll be like the Bonnie and Clyde of psychology.

Bonnie and Clyde didn't help people.

They robbed banks and were killed

in a hail of bullets.

They were good-looking people.

They got their own movie. End of story.

Come on, just do this with me.

Fine, but if I agree to do this,

you have to be okay with me taking

a couple of afternoons off next week,

say from noon to 6:30.

Fine, whatever you want.

And just to be clear, I'm not gonna hug you, hold your hand,

or otherwise show you any signs of affection.

Great. Add not talking to me on the car ride up there,

and you got yourself a deal.

[ men whistling ]

Couples yoga is upstairs.

Dr. Randy does his therapy sessions on the first floor,

and this is your room.

Okay.

Um...

where's the other bed?

Dr. Randy believes that no matter

how difficult things may be,

you should share the same bed.

I don't think you understand.

We don't even share the bed when we're happy.

I suffer from night terrors,

mostly about being in bed with her.

Dr. Randy will work on that tomorrow.

Stay open to love.

I will if you will.

You're flirting with another woman

when you're married to me?

I'm sorry.

You're a frigid shrew,

and I'm a man with needs.

Okay, so we're stuck with one bed.

We're adults. We can get through this.

Exactly.

I'll take the bed,

and you can sleep in my car.

Look, we're going to share the bed.

As long as you wear pajamas.

Fine. Do you have pajamas?

Of course I do.

Well, it looks like I'm wearing yours.

Okay, here's the plan.

We make it very clear that nothing will solve our marital issues,

short of his psychic crapola.

- Got it. - Just stick to the story.

We've been married for 10 years,

and after we had a kid, we stopped doing it.

Yeah, you know, I been thinking about that,

and I don't think it's right

to blame Finn for our sexual problems.

Finn?

Our son's name is Jack.

I like Finn.

Finn sounds like a guy who brings

an acoustic guitar to parties.

Exactly.

I like those guys.

Fine. You can have Finn,

just like you had all the covers last night.

You had the air turned down to 50 degrees.

I was trying to cryogenically freeze your body

so you'd stop thrashing.

Mr. and Mrs. Barrow.

I am Dr. Randy.

Please, sit down. Sit down. Sit down.

Everything my spirit is, was,

or ever will be welcomes you.

Thank you, Doctor. I'm Charlie.

This is my wife Jordan, who is, was,

and ever will be a pain in my ass.

He tried to freeze me to death last night,

and he wears women's pajamas,

sometimes in front of Finn.

Who's-- who's Finn?

Finn is our son, who wants to play baseball,

but she keeps making him take

acoustic guitar lessons.

Because he is a terrible baseball player,

just like his father.

Oh, yeah? Well, Finn isn't even our son's real name.

It's Jack. Finn is her cousin

she lost her virginity to when she was a teenager.

- I-I can't believe-- - Now, ah-ah-ah-ah.

Sounds like you two have some serious problems.

Which is why we need everything you've got.

We heard that you can fix us in a weekend. Is that true?

Absolutely.

Well, great. That's great.

And we are open

to any weird thing that you want.

What did you have in mind?

Anything. Anything weird, crazy,

weird.

Okay, but what I'd like to do right now

is have you two fill out these questionnaires

to test your sexual compatibility.

He'll finish before me. He always does.

That's because I just want to go watch TV.

At least the pictures on that thing move a little.

[ knock on door ]

Oh. Thanks.

What do you need the water for?

They shut my water off,

and I want to make Kwame some lemonade.

He's from Africa.

They probably don't have that over there.

All they have over there is ostrich milk.

You got to be pretty fast to get that in a glass.

When someone comes to America,

you don't give them fruit water.

You take them somewhere to show off our culture,

like a giant shopping mall or a Sephora.

[ knock on door ]

That's him.

FYI, he thinks my name is Bruce Wayne.

Isn't Bruce Wayne Batman?

Don't ask. It's something I started when I was eight,

and I can't get out of it.

- Kwame! - Bruce Wayne!

That's me!

Ah.

Wow.

You look so different.

Bruce, introduce me to your friend

who's wearing a watch that's worth more than you.

Kwame, this is my friend Lacey.

She lives next door,

and she's about to leave.

Nice to meet you.

And you have great style.

I wouldn't mind spending a couple hours with you

at the Motel Rwanda.

Call me. [ giggles ]

So you want something to eat?

You must be starving.

Hey, that's how we met.

Actually, I'm quite full, Bruce.

I just had sashimi at Katsuya.

Please talk slower.

I don't understand your language.

I'm speaking English.

I got most of that.

Look at you, Bruce.

You look exactly the same as you did

in that picture of you when you were eight.

[ claps ] You too,

except now you're wearing a beautiful suit

instead of sitting in a bucket.

I have been quite fortunate.

I moved to New York two years ago,

drove a limousine until I could afford to buy one.

Now I have a company

with 140 cars in six states.

Oh.

This is called a lemon.

So...

...you live here?

Yeah, not as much dirt on the floor

as where you come from, huh?

Mm, it's close.

And no TV.

Even us Somali refugees had TV.

I mean, it's not high-def, but it's still a good picture.

Bruce, you were so kind to me

when I had nothing.

I will not rest until you let me give you some money.

No, I can't take your charity.

I was always the one who helped you.

Here. Here's $20.

Can I get five back?

I still have to go to the Y for a bath.

Okay, I have the results of your questionnaire.

And based on this,

I think we may have to take another approach,

because sex is not your problem.

You two have the highest sexual compatibility score

I have ever seen.

[ laughing ]

Oh, you're serious.

That is impossible.

You are each other's exact types.

You're a perfect storm of sexual desires.

Maybe you should just get out of your own way

and let your genitals do the talking.

[ scoffs ] My genitals

have nothing to say to him.

Well, there's a way to get to the bottom of this

and get you the answers you so desperately need.

We can consult...

the spirits.

That's fantastic.

How much is that going to cost?

Oh, please, please.

Let's not contaminate this moment

with talk of money.

We have your credit card on file.

Oh.

Yes, spirits.

I'll tell them.

They want to see you kiss.

- Say what? - I'm sorry. Excuse me?

No, they want to see if there's still some spark

from which you two might rekindle your relationship.

[ bell dings ]

[ deep clunk ]

The spirits are underwhelmed.

They want to see a real kiss.

It's critical to your healing.

Spirits say the energy is good.

You know, let's run that credit card again just to be safe.

[ knock on door ]

Coming.

Sorry I took so long.

After I saw how well Kwame was doing,

I started working on a list of ways to improve my life.

Number one, stop giving Kwame money.

That guy's doing okay.

Look, I realize your life is sad,

but it's your life,

so really, it's only sad to you.

Why'd you call me over?

Okay, I accidentally went out with this guy

who was a manager at a Best Buy.

When I found out, I told him as nicely as I could

that instead of dating him, I'd rather die.

But he keeps sending me all these TVs

and video games and stuff.

So you want me to help you take it all back?

No, I just want to store it at your place

until I can finally move out of this dump.

Oh, really?

And you'd probably be okay with me

hooking it all up and using it.

Whatever. I don't care.

Are you sure it isn't Kwame

who wants me to hook it all up and use it?

[ gasps ] I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.

Did you just say that Kwame

wants to hook up with me and use me?

I know what's going on.

I wouldn't take Kwame's money,

and this is his way of trying to give me

a bunch of cool stuff.

Well, screw that.

It's not like I'm a poor, malnourished child

who needs his help.

I am a poor, malnourished adult

who can take care of himself!

Oh, my God!

What did you just do?!

This is my stuff, not Kwame's!

It is?

You're going to have to make this up to me.

All right. All right.

I'll give you the only thing I have to offer.

Whoa. What are you doing?

Giving you my belt.

It's the most expensive thing I own.

What a perv, making us kiss.

There was no reason for it.

Yeah, I should have won an Academy Award

for how good I made that look.

Not just for best actor,

best cinematography, foreign film,

animated short, visual effects,

- editing-- - Hey!

You think you deserve an award?

For what I did, my tongue should be named

"Time" Magazine's Man of the Year.

Well, at least he didn't suspect us.

Great job lying on that test, by the way.

I didn't lie.

Well, of course you did, 'cause I didn't.

There's no way in hell

that we're the perfect storm of sexual desires.

As if I'd ever have sex with you, anyway.

You're such a horndog.

[ sighs ] Just put it in quick.

That's your answer for everything, isn't it?

Give me that.

Well, wasn't very romantic,

but it got the job done,

and you're going to want to do it again tomorrow.

For your information,

I'm not a romance junkie.

Oh, please. You got to have the candles

and the soft music and...

a trail of rose petals

from the door to the bed.

Be gentle with me.

I had nothing to do with this.

"Dr. Randy hopes you enjoy

your sexual healing package.

If you wish to forego this $1,200 package,

do not open the gift box on the bed."

Wow, look what's in this gift box.

Caviar,

chocolate strawberries,

hand lotion...

"for your genitals."

Oh, this is lube.

Ah, since we're already paying for it,

might as well pop the champagne.

You know I don't drink.

You know I didn't offer.

[ knock on door ]

Surprise.

Now lose them panties.

Daddy is ready for business.

Sean, what are you doing here?

It's a hotel booty call.

Oh, is Charlie next door?

We should be quiet.

No, he's right here.

You're going to have to be really quiet.

Hold on a sec.

You two?

What were you thinking?

Who are you talking to?

Either one.

How long has this been going on?

About a month.

Dude, you've sent me texts

just to tell me that you banged a chick

that went to high school with Katy Perry,

but you don't tell me about you and her?

No, I did. Remember the text I sent you

about the annoying chick that was into super-kinky stuff?

That-- that was her?

Yeah, and remember the text I sent

about the arrogant prick I was having sex with?

I never got a text like that.

Don't worry. It's coming.

You know what? I don't need this.

I'm going to the spa to get a body scrub.

Between sleeping with you and sharing a bed with you,

I hope they can scrub my memory.

I cannot believe you're hooking up with Jordan.

I know. It's weird.

Just kissing her is a huge turn-on.

I-I wouldn't know anything about that.

You know what's scary?

[ clears throat ]

Think I really like her.

All right. It's your funeral.

Just don't be a dick.

What does that mean?

It means that you have a habit

of sleeping with the women in my life, then cheating on them.

Oh, please. Name one.

- Jen. - Name two.

- Lacey. - This game sucks.

Hello, Bruce.

Ah. Thanks for coming, Kwame.

I thought about your offer to help.

Say no more. How much do you need?

Well, I got to buy a flat-screen TV

and some home theater speakers.

It's not for me to say,

but have you ever considered investing

in running water and food?

I got to pay somebody back.

You don't have to explain.

Here's 2,000.

I can't take this check.

Why not?

First of all,

my name's not Bruce Wayne.

It's Nolan.

I don't think charity's going to help.

What I need is a job.

I just don't know where.

I own a limo company.

You could be a driver.

I'll take it.

Although I will need a ride to work.

Done.

Here is my signed affidavit.

This guy's going down.

Thank you.

"Thank you"? That's it?

I know you're going to take shots at me,

so go for it. Do your worst.

What exactly was I going to say?

That I "gotta have it."

That I wear Velcro clothes for easy access.

That I like to get my ticket punched

for the Bonetown Express. All aboard!

I would never say any of that.

Except maybe Bonetown Express.

That was kind of clever.

Although I don't know about, "All aboard."

That seemed a little easy,

like you.

Okay.

Now that we got that out of our systems,

why were you so late leaving the retreat last night?

Well, while you were doing God knows what

with God knows why,

I stayed up all night

compiling additional evidence for the A.P.A.

It took me hours.

Hey, Charlie.

Oh, hey, Jordan.

I'm so happy you guys

are getting Dr. Randy's license pulled.

I had no idea what he was doing.

See you back upstairs.

Oh, and I may have slept with Penny.

[ deep clunk ]

Well, it was much better than that.