Original subtitles

Hey, Charlie.

Did you see this article in today's paper?

No, no, so can we just skip straight to the part

where you twist it around to get something you want?

Sure. It says here that men my age

who just sit around the house doing nothing all day

end up dead within three years of retirement.

You retired four years ago.

Why are you stretching this out?

What I'm saying is

that I need at least $200 more a month--

cost-of-living increase,

and that's just $50 extra a week.

To go bowling, play golf,

and go to the movies.

You already do all of that.

I know, but I'd like to do $200 more of it.

But you've never even thanked me for the money I give you now.

You're right. Thank you.

But I'd really like to know I'm covered--

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't say,

"Thank you, but..." You always do that.

There is no "but" after a "thank you."

Ah, you're right. Again, thank you.

I really appreciate all the money

you've given me every month. It means the world to me.

- Well, you're welcome. - But...

you're a cheapskate, Charlie.

You just did it again!

Charlie, I could be dead any day now.

Well, that's why I need the money.

I'm saving up for the party.

All right, everybody, sit down.

Let's get started.

What should we talk about today?

I don't know. I'll pick something random:

parents and why they torture us.

Lacey, your mom's a pain in the ass.

How do you deal with that?

Communicating with her is the key.

I find that not doing that is really working for me.

Oh, my God, right? Rather than fight with my father,

I just yell at this old man at the hardware store.

He just stands there and takes it.

Especially if I buy something.

If any of you need a wrench,

I've got, like, 30.

Well, what do you and your dad fight about?

Is it the gay thing?

No, Ed. For your information,

my father is angry at me because I don't want

to take over the family construction business.

Ah, good for your father for not admitting

it's the gay thing.

I like my dad. Last time I saw him,

we smoked a joint together and laughed all night.

When was that?

The day before he abandoned the family.

Look, guys, talking to your parents is difficult.

I know. [ chuckles ]

My God, do I know. [ sighs ]

But that relationship is the core of your anger issues.

My God, do I know.

My daddy passed, Charlie,

and my mother hasn't said a word to me

since the wife and I split.

I'm sorry, Ed. Your mother?

Well, yeah, she's alive.

Apparently evil is an embalming fluid.

[ whispering ] I can't believe we're doing this.

Well, I didn't go through prison security to say "hi."

Charlie could be here any minute. We could get caught.

I know, that's what makes it fun.

You've never had sex at work before?

The closest I've ever come

was when I was in high school and I worked at the mall.

There was a security guard

who used to touch himself when I walked to my car.

That's good times. I used to work at the Pretzel Hut.

We did stuff to the dough.

Jordakins!

Uh, just a second!

I had an incident and feel I need to discuss it

with a trainedprofessional.

I'll be right there.

I'm dealing with a furniture repairman.

I started a food fight in the cafeteria

and thought it would lead to comic hijinks,

but three people are dead.

Why would I do that?

You know what? I've changed my mind.

I don't want to do anything with the office furniture here.

I understand. Well, maybe we can continue

our, uh, furniture discussion later at the Merry Peasant.

That's an interesting place

to have a public discussion.

Yes. Yes, it is.

[ softly ] Especially in the restroom.

You know, I've been in prison for a long time,

but are you gonna bang that boy at a restaurant?

You're avoiding.

You're asking questions about my life

instead of discussing your own problems.

I do have a problem.

My therapist won't tell me whether she's gonna bang

her furniture repairman at a restaurant.

[ theme music playing ]

So today I thought we'd do something

a little bit different.

Does it involve a bat and a piñata?

Yes, Nolan, because the best lesson

you can teach people with anger issues

is that if you hit something hard enough,

candy will fall out.

You know, the last time I was blindfolded,

the guy said it was gonna rock my world,

but he ended up just stealing my TV.

[ chuckles ] We must've gone out with the same guy.

Here's a clue:

it has eight legs,

two wheels, and it's the stuff

that nightmares are made of.

If you put a spider on me, Charlie, I'll kill you.

No, it has two wheels. It's a spider on a bicycle.

That's even scarier, because you can't outrun it.

No, it's not a spider on a bike.

It's your parents! Surprise!

- Oh, crap. - Dad?

Anyone else have any initial gut reactions?

Uh, I have a little one--

this isn't my dad.

Patrick, this is no time to fool around. I've got a lot to deal with.

I'm not kidding, Charlie. This isn't my father.

But there was only two James McPatricks in Des Moines.

This guy said he was your dad.

The other guy said his son was dead.

That's my dad!

Sorry I lied. But once I heard "free ticket to LA,"

I would've said I was Mickey Mouse's dad. [ chuckles ]

Speaking of which, how far is Disneyland?

- About an hour and a half. - Never mind. You're busy.

You can take me tomorrow.

Charlie, my mother's already starting.

So if you see a red handprint on her face,

it was probably Nolan.

He has no patience for that judgmental bitch.

All right, I got to get back out there.

Look, this man obviously isn't your father.

So if you want to leave, you can.

Are you kidding? And miss the fights?

- I'm sticking around. - Me, too!

Do they still have Space Mountain?

I've heard that's something else.

I'm not taking you to Disneyland!

Okay, everybody, take a seat.

Please sit next to a family member.

Or somebody from the same county you lived in.

What the hell were you thinking

not to tell us our damned parents were gonna be here?

Although I'm glad you're here, Mama.

How was your flight?

Nothing!

Because if you knew they were coming,

you all would have bailed. Plus I gotta tell you,

the look on your faces was priceless.

I, for one, just think this whole idea

is really neat.

Oh, my God. That is so weird.

I was thinking of saying the word neat.

[ chuckles ] I almost said cool.

But then I just thought, you know, neat is better.

Genetics.

So what you're all gonna do is split up.

Oh, that's a great idea. My mom can stay here

and I'll go to Neiman's.

What's Neiman's? Where is Neiman's?

Should I see that while I'm here?

Nobody's going to Neiman's.

You're all gonna split off into different rooms,

start a dialogue, and I'll come around

and make sure that you're communicating effectively.

I just want you all to talk.

You hear that, you vicious old crow?

You've got to talk.

She just threw a pen at me!

Okay, this is definitely a rule:

no throwing pens.

[ sighs ] Why does she have all these pens?

So are you excited?

Yes.

I mean none of these people know what we're about to do.

You're gonna have sex in the bathroom.

Us? No. [ chuckles ]

We're here for the... karaoke or...

the trivia or...

what's going on here today?

Sex in the bathroom.

It happens here every day.

That's why I rent this

for $20.

Wait. So people are always doing it in there?

I'll tell you what.

I'll let you use the walk-in cooler,

but don't let your tender parts touch nothing

'cause they will stick.

- [ sighs deeply ] - Mm-mm.

Let's go back to my place.

No, I still wanna be in public.

Ooh! You know where I've never done it?

A car.

You're never gonna believe this...

but I just happen to have a car in the parking lot

that will be perfect for having sex in a car.

And hundreds of people haven't had sex in it.

Yep.

Yep.

[ giggling ] Oh, I mean when you're baked,

you know, Indiana and India sound... [ chuckles ]

very similar.

And that's how I ended up working at a call center in Mumbai.

[ laughing ]

You know, Charlie said that we should be...

talking about the serious problems with our relationship.

How can we have serious problems with our relationship?

I've seen you, like, twice in 20 years.

[ laughing ]

[ sighs ] Yeah.

You know why I don't respect you?

- Because you're a whore! - Okay, okay, okay!

Let's stop with the name-calling.

Yeah, bitch, follow the rules.

- Lacey? - Okay, well, get this--

if I'm a whore, how does it feel

to not be respected by a whore?

How can you not respect me? I've given you everything.

Yes, and I appreciate that, but you--

You know what? Never mind.

No, no, no, no!

"Never mind" is what you two have been doing

for years and it's not working.

"Never mind" is the reason you wound up

in the bedroom with me and your mom.

Okay, that sounded weird.

I don't want to talk about it anymore!

Lacey, Lacey, the whole reason we're here

is to express our feelings.

Tell her why you don't respect her.

I promise she'll be glad to hear it.

Dad cheated on you, and you knew it!

He had sex with that woman in his office

and you did nothing about it!

- You're weak! - [ gasps ]

- Wow. - [ sighs ]

Okay, well, that's a big bombshell.

But I promise that that's the worst of it.

You've hit bottom. It only gets better from here.

And I am not weak! I revenged myself on your father

by sleeping with your boyfriend, Juan Carlos!

You what?!

Okay, what I meant to say is, it gets better from here.

Hey, Patrick, where's the best place in LA

to see movie stars?

Rehab.

Hey, I know you got screwed out of the dad thing here,

so, uh, if you want to talk...

I'd pretend to be your dad.

You're a stranger. I don't wanna talk to you.

You know nothing about me.

Okay, okay. I was just trying to help.

No, I was just pretending you were my dad.

- Thank you! - Oh.

Look, Mama, it's not like it was in your day.

Sometimes young people, such as myself,

get divorced.

All right. If you won't say it,

write it down.

"Thanks for the pen"?

Well, so far, your mother is my favorite person in this house.

Tell me, was he exactly like this as a baby?

All bald and pink and angry?

Damn it! Patrick, get the hell out of here!

[ whispering ]

Sure.

From now on, I'll be speaking for your mother.

Anything you have to say to her, you can say to me.

Damn it! I could kill Charlie for this!

I would never interfere with his crappy relationship with his dad.

[ whispers ]

We think you curse too much.

Oh, also, she says you should close your mouth

when you're eating donuts in group.

That was not her, that was you!

I am not at liberty to say.

[ sighs ] I'm sorry about the back seat.

It's fine up here.

Are you sure? I mean it's a little cramped.

There's a hotel around the corner. We can do it there.

But then there's no danger.

It's a really seedy hotel.

Pretty good chance we'd get shot.

Come on.

I've always wanted to do it in a car.

All right. Let's go. Come on.

- Here, just move this leg. - Ow! Just be careful.

- Okay, there we go. - [ car horn honks ]

That's the horn in case you didn't hear that.

Okay.

All right. [ sighs ]

Ooh! It's great what you're doing with your hands back there.

[ laughing ] That's not my hands.

[ giggling ] Oh, whatever it is, I like it.

Mm-hmm. Ow, ow, ow, ow!

- Sorry. Can you move your leg? - Sorry.

- Okay. Yeah, that's better. - Okay.

Are we moving?

I'm kinda pinned, so moving's gonna have to be your department.

[ all bickering ]

Hey, hey, hey! Everybody!

Everybody quiet down and have a seat!

This is totally what I expected.

Getting angry and yelling at each other is part of the process.

My dad and I aren't really angry,

we're just making fun of these guys.

- [ chuckles ] "You're a whore!" - "No, you're a whore!"

- "You're a whore!" - "No, you're a whore!"

I'm leaving. This is a waste of everybody's time.

No, no, no. Nobody is leaving.

You're all gonna make this work.

He's right, everybody. I'm willing to dig in.

Look, I know that it's not easy.

But even the most dysfunctional families

can come to a place of love and understanding.

Hello, everyone. I'm Martin. Charlie's dad.

Dad? What are you doing here?

Well, I thought this might be a good time

for us to work out our little difference. You know?

And you can show these people

that you practice what you preach.

Actually, this is a private group session that nobody wants you to interrupt.

I do.

That's why I called him.

Welcome aboard the Pain Train, Charlie.

Whoo! Whoo!

Do you really think I'm going to say yes

to your stupid $200 a month just because it's in front of my group?

I sure do.

Otherwise you're gonna look like a hypocrite,

treating your old man like a second-class citizen

in front of all those people.

All right, all right, fine.

You'll get your $200 a month.

But you and I are gonna pretend

- to work it out in front of them. - Why?

Because if they see a difficult situation

resolved right before their eyes,

it might give them enough hope to continue.

All right, fine.

Get your checkbook out and hold onto your socks

because you're about to see the performance of a lifetime.

I'm a pretty good actor, you know.

Please, Dad. You couldn't act hot in a fire.

Follow my lead.

[ mocking ] I'll try.

All right, everyone. Obviously my dad and I

are having a fight. So I thought it'd be good

for you guys to see how we resolve it.

[ stiffly ] Hold the phone, my son.

You want me to do this in front of the group?

You did not tell me that.

Well, we're doing it.

I want to show these people how honest communication

can be successful if you don't give up.

Fine. Then I will go along with this,

but it will not be easy for me,

for I am a very shy man.

And a reserved man.

Good, well, the first step in honest communication

is you're allowed to speak in contractions.

Now, Dad, why are you so angry?

I asked for a simple cost-of-living increase.

Just $200 a month.

And I was refused.

Alas, I felt devaluated.

By you, alas.

Yeah, we heard the first alas.

Look, I understand how you feel,

but sometimes I feel underappreciated by you.

- I'm very sorry. - And I'm very sorry.

And now that we've had this open communication,

I feel better about giving you the money.

- And the car. - So, you see how when--

wait, what?!

- We talked about this. - We never talked about that.

- And you have a car. - It's a piece of junk that barely moves.

Well, it was good enough to get you here to blackmail me.

Ah, blackmail. No, blackmail is when

you tell these people you'll help them get rid of their anger,

but it's gonna cost them a lot of money.

Are you kidding? They cost me money.

I flew everybody out at my expense

and put 'em up in hotels, including this guy,

who isn't even related to anybody.

Thank you again. This is terrific.

You gave these people money and refused your own father?

Thank God your mother is not alive to see this, may she rest in peace.

She's in Florida. She's not dead.

But, alas, you are to me.

Whoo! Whoo!

Ed, I can't believe you brought Charlie's father into this.

You think that is a terrible thing to do?

Absolutely.

And I loved every second of it.

She did, too.

You see? We agree on something.

If you think about it,

apart from my wife and I splitting up,

we agree on most everything.

No.

Divorce is a sin.

You're not the same young man I raised.

Well, sure, I am, Mama!

I still can't stand illegal immigrants

or liberals or women in uniform,

except for nurses. [ chuckles ]

I'm proud of you for not including gay people.

Oh, and gay people.

Thanks for reminding me, Patrick.

You're one of the good ones.

You see, Mama?

I'm still the same boy I always was.

Gimme a hug.

[ laughs ]

Aw, so much hate.

And, thankfully, so little time.

Hey, guys.

I just wanna say that I'm really sorry

that I lost it in front of everybody.

Yeah, it was pretty upsetting.

I mean, not like if your dad abandoned you for 20 years,

but still pretty upsetting.

Yeah, something like that'd be a real bummer.

You did that to me.

How can you not understand that?

You stupid pothead.

- Let it all out, Nol-- - I will!

In second grade, on Bring Your Father to School Day,

I brought a picture of Harrison Ford!

Everybody loved me. And I was a liar.

...and then in high school, Mom was the only one there to teach me how to shave.

I was 20 before I realized I didn't have to do my armpits!

...and in fourth grade, Joey DeLoy told me

that my wiener had an eye and it could see everything

and it was storing information in the brains under the neck.

[ screaming ] I didn't know what the hell was going on down there!

[ crying ] That's all I got.

Dude, I'm sorry.

Listen, I have a few baseballs laying around.

You guys should play some catch.

I don't know. I'm a little wasted.

Well, try anyway.

It'd be like a stoner "Field of Dreams."

Actually, "Field of Dreams"

was like a stoner "Field of Dreams."

- How you feeling? - How do you think I'm feeling?

I just found out that my mom had sex with the guy I was dating.

Lacey, think about it--

after what she did, she can never call you a whore again.

- I guess you're right. - Based on the latest studies,

when a mother and daughter stop calling each other whore,

that's when the healing begins.

I guess it goes back to that old saying,

"A sleeping bear is just a pillow if you don't wake it up."

What does that mean?

I don't know. I might be a little high.

I was out there for a while.

I don't know.

I mean, we both got in the car to go

and it must've just slipped out of gear.

$20. It's all it would've cost you. $20.

- Dad, I am not gonna-- - No, no. No. Wait.

Before you say anything, my bad on the car, the money,

and for slandering you in front of the group.

- What's the catch? - You've been terrific.

And you're right. All I seem to ever do is take.

But the next time you see me,

I'm gonna bring something to the party.

Well, thanks, Dad. I appreciate that.

I just need a car to get to the party

and some money to buy the thing I'm bringing.

I am a shy man.

And reserved.

But I am going to beat you with this giant spoon.

Oh, no, no, no!