Original subtitles

All right, for two steps, who said this phrase

six months ago and also last week?

"I hate everybody in this room."

I know! Patrick.

That is correct.

You are now two steps closer to getting your car keys and going home.

By the way, I would have also accepted Lacey or Ed.

Lacey or Ed.

Can we make this next question for eight steps

so I can answer it, get my car keys,

and get the hell out of here?

No, and you miss the next round for giving me attitude.

[ laughing ]

I hate everybody in this room!

Who said a year and a half ago,

"I don't have a problem, everybody else has the problem"?

Ooh, I know this one. It was Lacey.

And for a bonus step, that was in regards to what?

Her texting in group, her drinking in group,

her not wearing underwear in group,

her texting a photo of herself not wearing underwear in group

while drinking.

Wow, somebody's been paying attention.

Except for Lacey.

I'm texting with my stupid ex.

Sorry, but that would have been the correct answer to the last question.

No, he won't give me back my elliptical machine,

my television set or my beanbag chair.

Hey, I gave you that beanbag chair for your birthday.

I know. It meant a lot to me.

Anyway, I really want my television and my elliptical.

All right, let's just keep playing the game.

Can I go to the bathroom first?

Upstairs. The one down here is broken.

If he goes, he loses his place and has to start over.

Never mind, then. I can hold it.

I ever tell y'all about my trip to Niagara Falls?

All that water gushing over that cliff,

pouring, flowing.

Shhhhhh!

I can't make it upstairs!

All right, grab your keys. Let's call it a day.

Perfect.

I was gonna talk about something, but we didn't get to it

because you had to play your stupid game.

And I was winning.

Okay, nobody leaves.

But if this is another humble brag

about you being on "America's Top Designer,"

we're all gonna be really pissed.

No, this is real.

This is about my private life.

The other day I was having lunch with a friend

and a stranger interrupted me

because he wanted to get a photo with me

because I am famous on a reality show.

All right, everybody, continue leaving.

Brag while you can, Patrick.

You know you're totally gonna lose, right?

Why would I lose?

I'm designing the best clothes on the show.

Because you're the villain and the villain never wins.

Villains win all the time.

I mean, look at "Lobster Truckers."

Trayvon? No.

- "Swamp Wars." - Kyle? No.

"Redneck Ghost Hunters."

- Billy Joe? - Oh, my God.

He didn't even make it to the haunted washing machine on the front porch round.

Well, Patrick, you may not win,

but at least it's better than getting a ticket

for pissing on Charlie's lawn.

Good job there, Nolan.

[ theme music playing ]

So, Jack, how excited are you,

getting out after 10 years?

What's the first thing you're gonna do?

Go spit on Spider's grave for ratting me out.

Then I'm thinking about getting involved in some kind of animal rescue.

- I love cats. - Really?

I am totally into horses.

You are? I had no idea.

Well, as the first prisoner to complete

our prerelease therapy program,

you're also the first to receive our new pamphlet,

"How to Handle Your Anger."

This says "How to Handle Your Dangler."

What?

Damn it!

I guess a lot of those poor guys

in the prison print shop don't know how to spell.

But they do know how to draw pictures

of men handling their danglers.

This was on purpose.

- Hey, guys. - Hey, Charlie.

Sorry I'm late. I was stuck all morning with a plumber.

Turns out I have to repipe half my house.

I know the guy's ripping me off.

Well, that sucks. But the good news is

today is Jack's last day.

- Oh, hey, that's right. - I just want to say thanks.

I know it won't be easy out there.

Nobody trusts a guy who did time for breaking and entering,

forgery, and gun charges.

Well, then you have them call me.

We've been working together in here for the last six months

and I believe in you 100%.

That means a lot to me, Charlie.

'Cause I'm a plumber.

Uh...

you're a what?

Yeah, and I'll fix your entire house for free.

Not a lot of people want to hire a plumber who did time

for breaking and entering, forgery, and gun charges.

I'd love to hire you, but I can't.

I already promised the job to my cousin.

Your cousin's the plumber who's gonna rip you off?

Yeah, it's a family tradition.

We rip each other off.

Christmas dinner is just one big brawl.

Plus, the presents are terrible.

Jack, why don't you take a minute

to fill out your certificate of completion?

Or, as the prison print shop calls it,

"certificate of copulation."

- You are a hypocrite. - What?

You are telling these people

that they're ready to function in the outside world,

but then you won't even hire one of them.

If you don't believe in Jack, you don't believe in this program.

Of course I do. I invented the program.

I'm just not ready to test it by putting a professional thief

in a house filled with all my cool stuff.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

I am ashamed.

I'm ashamed that I care about all my stuff as much as I do.

- Charlie. - Fine. Fine.

I'll hire the home invasion guy to do my plumbing.

But the next time you complain about the girl that does your hair,

I'm gonna send over an ax murderer.

[ knocking ]

Hey, Nolan. Thanks for coming over so fast.

One of the benefits of living next door.

You know, I could get here even faster

if you let me put that dog door in between our apartments.

Okay, so the reason why I called you

is because my ex said I could finally come over

and get my stuff, but I need some help.

- Is he gonna be there? - No, that would be so awkward.

He's just gonna leave the door open for me.

The thing is that it sticks,

so I'm gonna need you to kick it in.

Wait a minute.

It sounds like what you're asking me to do here is...

karate.

Which I've never taken.

But I do have a coupon in my place for two free lessons

and a third's half off, so I could probably afford that.

I just want to bust in and get my stuff.

Okay? Why can't you just be regular stupid

instead of this time-wasting stupid?

I don't know.

I have three basic theories.

Number one-- poor parenting.

Number two-- serious vitamin deficiency.

Get out! Get out.

Okay, you know, I could get out of here even faster

if you let me put in that doggie door.

Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out.

Well, your cousin was right.

Problems run through the house.

This is gonna take a while.

So, like, what? An hour?

You can finish up in an hour and then take off?

Yeah, right.

You know, I don't think I've even been in a house this nice.

Well, not during the day.

And never for more than a few minutes.

Yeah, well, everyone thinks that therapists make a lot of money.

Truth is, we don't.

Everything I own is crap.

Really? That flat screen TV looks pretty expensive.

Are you kidding me? Those are really cheap.

The only upside is they come with tracking chips now.

Look at that, it's still in the living room.

I'm gonna go check the water pressure in the kitchen.

It's funny, I was just heading in there myself.

Gonna reorganize my silverware.

I do that on... today.

[ knocking ]

I'll be right there.

What's the deal with your door being locked?

I have got a felon working in the house

and I want him to know this place is not an easy target.

- Where is he? - He's in the kitchen.

So then why aren't you in there?

Because my jackhole neighbor showed up.

Come on, let's go.

Don't mind us, Jack. My buddy Sean and I

are just grabbing a couple of beers and catching up.

How's it going at work, Sean?

I got to get some tools out of my bag.

You know, that's an answer I would love to hear over a game of pool.

Charlie, I've got to run down to Home Depot.

You know, I'm gonna be running in and out all week.

It might be easier if you just give me a key.

Oh, yeah.

The deal is, Jack, I have a thing about keys.

The only people I ever give them to is family.

Hey, Charlie.

Oh, hey, Aunt Lacey.

Aunt Lacey?

Save your questions for group.

This key keeps sticking. Can I get another one?

Sure, Grandpa.

Thanks for leaving the key under the mat, Charlie.

I can't believe how you trust people.

That's just how I am, Cousin Patrick.

I lost all the keys you gave me.

They're floating around somewhere.

Not a problem...

weird kid we adopted.

So they're all related to you?

Yeah, it's a big, crazy family.

But I love 'em.

Okay, that was the damnedest session ever.

Was it just me, or was Charlie jumping up every five minutes

to check on that psychotic-looking plumber in there?

Yeah, he was totally distracted.

I noticed it and I was on my phone the whole time.

You still didn't get your stuff back from your ex?

No. And now he's out of town,

so I'm trying to get his landlord to let me in,

but the guy does not answer his phone.

It's like if someone calls you, you answer your phone.

- You know? Don't be a douche. - [ phone chimes ]

Oh, it's my mom. Good-bye.

Before everyone leaves, I still don't have a way

to seem more sympathetic on "America's Top Designer."

I don't want to get kicked off this show.

What if Ed pretended to be your homophobic dad

and you had a tearful reunion with him?

Yes! And we haven't talked in, like, 20 years

and you come back to make peace.

And you say you're done being gay

and I say I'm proud of you.

Or you come out of the closet

as a giant Texas drag queen and your catchphrase is,

"Everything is bigger in Texas

and I like it like that."

[ coughing ]

Um, Nolan's choking.

Wait a minute. That is a great idea.

What is?

Our challenge this week is to make a shirt

out of things we find in a candy store.

Nolan can pretend to be some random guy choking on a jawbreaker.

I can save his life and then everyone will love me.

Oh, great. You can practice on me.

Okay.

Need some water?

Not mine. Go get your own.

[ coughs ]

Thank God I wasn't alone.

That could have been serious.

Charlie, I got some beer.

I can't talk right now. Jack's in the other room.

Holy crap, I knew it. He took the bait.

Jack.

What's up?

This is difficult.

I really do want to trust you,

but a couple hours ago, I left a hundred dollar bill

on the table and now it's gone.

Oh, that was yours?

Money that's in my house

tends to be, generally, with few exceptions, mine!

So do you want the change?

Yes.

So you thought I stole your money.

Clearly a misunderstanding.

I'm sorry, Jack.

Beer?

This is more than a misunderstanding.

You've been following me all day.

The whole key thing? You don't trust me.

He's got a point, Charlie. You do have trust issues.

Oh, your car keys. I used your car. Sorry.

Look, I am really sorry about all this.

I have no problem with you at all.

Cool.

Because if you got no problem with me,

how about putting in a good word with your Aunt Lacey, huh?

Okay, sure.

- Done. - Thanks.

Hey, wouldn't it be funny if someday I ended up as your uncle?

[ chuckles ]

For the record, that would only be a little bit funny.

It wouldn't be funny at all.

Now I've got to stop her from dating this guy

without letting her know how dangerous he is because that's her type.

What's her type?

Uneducated bad-boy knuckleheads.

She went out with me.

You're gonna make me say it, aren't you?

So you came all the way over here to tell me

that I shouldn't go out with the plumber?

Yeah, he asked me to put in a good word because I trust him,

but I don't.

It doesn't matter. All you had to do was tell me he's a plumber

'cause that's gross.

Actually, it's good, honest work

done by good, honest people

except for this guy who's an ex-con.

- See you later. - Wait, he's an ex-con?

Did I say ex-con?

I meant to say that he works for ConEx.

It's like FedEx, but only in Connecticut.

What did he do?

It was breaking and entering mostly.

Really? Oh, cool. Thanks for stopping by.

This was really helpful whatever you just said.

I'll see you in group.

No, no, Lacey. It's not cool.

You're always attracted to bad boys.

Aren't you tired of guys that treat you like crap,

steal your stuff, and are covered with misspelled tattoos?

Charlie, that last guy had a foot fetish, okay?

He meant to write "Born to raise heel."

Yeah, but this is a pattern we're trying to break.

No, it's not. It's a pattern you're trying to break.

- I'm kind of into it. - I really think we should talk more about this.

[ knocks ]

Can I come back in?

I don't feel like I quite accomplished what I came here to do.

So, our challenge today is to burst inside

a busy candy store and grab all the supplies

we need to make a shirt made out of candy.

Of course, I'm the only one who planned ahead,

so everyone else is running around in a mad panic.

I mean, look at Courtney.

Usually, she is so smug.

But how's she gonna make fringe when I got all the gummy worms?

[ coughing ]

Oh, my God. That man is choking.

I'll save you.

Don't worry, you're gonna be okay.

What the hell are you doing?

Saving this man's life.

I was gonna save his life.

Didn't you see me run over here?

I got here first. What difference does it make?

It makes a big difference!

Why don't we let him decide who saves his life or not?

Are you crazy? He's choking.

Okay, you, raise one finger if you want me to save your life

or two fingers for her.

No, I said one for me, two for her.

[ grunts ]

[ applause ]

Thank you so much.

No, don't thank her!

She's not the hero. I'm supposed to be the hero.

She stole my thunder just like she stole

last week's pantsuit design from Versace.

Yeah, that's right, honey. You're done.

You can turn your scissors in.

Excuse me?

I'm sorry, you want me to turn in my scissors?

Well, that hardly seems--

Okay.

So that is pretty much how pediatric neurosurgery works.

It's like working on a normal brain,

only it's smaller.

So are the surgical instruments smaller, too?

Are they, Dr. Goodson?

Yeah, I'm pioneering a pair of tiny tweezers

that should really change the game.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go call

the teeny, tiny hospital.

Lacey, it's Charlie.

Look, I know you're having fun with Jack,

but if you're on a drug run or lying unconscious somewhere,

call me, let me know you're okay.

Charlie, you've got to let this Lacey thing go.

I can't. I feel like it's my fault.

I'm the one who made him look like a bad boy.

Listen, man, sometimes grown women make bad decisions.

Like those two that decided they want to have sex

with pretend baby surgeons.

Now, can we go do this?

[ phone chimes ]

Jordan?

I want you to know I put my money where my mouth is.

I just cosigned for Jack's moving van even though you wouldn't.

He never asked me to cosign.

And what's he need a moving van for anyway?

The guy doesn't have any stuff.

Plus, he's on a date with Lacey.

[ gasps ] Oh, my God! You were right.

He's gonna line the van with plastic,

kill her, and drive her dead body to a landfill.

What are you talking about? The guy's not a murderer.

He's a breakerer and enterer.

Sorry, I've been watching too much "Dateline."

They should really call that show "Dateline: Murder in a Van."

I think I know what's going on.

- Murder in a van? - Will you stop it?

Lacey's using Jack

to break into her ex-boyfriend's house to get her stuff back.

I got to get over there and see if I can stop them.

Be careful.

Don't worry about me.

Something bad happens, my name's not on that van.

Whoever signed for that thing is screwed.

Hello, Lacey.

- Charlie. - Hey, man, what's up?

Jack, do not let her talk you into breaking into her ex-boyfriend's place.

I mean, she's cute and she's fun,

but she's not worth going back to prison for.

Charlie, we're going out to round up feral cats and have them neutered.

Oh, come on. Rental van, the gloves, the black clothes.

If a third grader drew burglars,

it'd be a picture of you guys.

The gloves are so we don't get scratched

and the black is so they don't see us sneaking up on them.

Oh, really?

Feral cats are wandering the streets getting pregnant

and crapping out dozens of starving kittens every day.

Okay, that's not how it works.

- And you're lying. - [ gasps ]

Why do you want kittens to die, Charlie?

Tell you what. Since you're not committing any crimes,

just gonna go round up a bunch of stray cats, I'll come with you.

Fine. I hope you don't mind

- sitting in the back with the cats. - Not a problem.

Do you mind putting kittens in your pockets to keep them warm?

- I'm fine with that. - If a kitten has a heart attack,

are you prepared to do cat CPR?

There are no cats! Let's go!

Hey, Patrick. Thought I'd find you here.

Sorry about what happened.

It's not your fault. It was a bad plan.

It was doomed from the start.

Apparently, screaming at someone for saving a life is frowned upon,

even on reality TV.

Except for every darn week on "Hillbilly Paramedic."

I just-- I just want to be famous

and live in the world of people who make a difference.

Like the Kardashians.

You don't have to be on TV to have an interesting life.

Oh, right.

Have you ever shut your eyes on a bus

and woke up and had no idea where you are?

That's interesting.

I do that every day.

That's terrifying.

You should try it. Come on, you and me,

let's have an adventure.

Let's sleep together on a bus.

You know something, Nolan?

I'm gonna say no.

That's okay. I got to get up early anyway.

I'm being interviewed by "Entertainment Tonight,"

"Extra," and "TMZ."

- What? - Yeah.

Apparently, I'm the first person whose life was saved

from choking on a reality show.

I'm gonna be famous.

Oh, my God. What happened to you?

I did right by my patients just like you wanted me to.

And your patients scratched your face up?

No, I stopped them from breaking into Lacey's ex-boyfriend's apartment.

Unfortunately, the only way to do that

was through a van of feral cats.

What?

They were pretending to go out and rescue cats

and I called their bluff.

How do you know they weren't

actually going out to look for cats?

Because they weren't.

Well, Jack told me he was thinking about

starting a cat rescue.

That would have been nice to know.