Original subtitles

Okay, guys.

Last week we talked about clearing out our emotional closets.

There's a lot of old stuff

that you're hanging on to and today--

well, today we're just gonna burn it.

- Ed. - Well, I brought this.

Junk mail, food wrappers, paper plates?

How does that represent your anger, Ed?

I was angry because I forgot to clean out the backseat of my car.

Well, at least you put no effort into this whatsoever.

Which is the best way to notget better

as soon as possible.

De nada.

Patrick, what have you held on to you'd like to get rid of?

It's in this envelope and I need to get rid of it

because every time I look at it, I get furious.

Well, good for you, Patrick. What is it?

It's your last bill.

I was 10 minutes late to group and you didn't prorate it.

I keep telling you, you don't pay less

when you'relate, you pay less when I'mlate.

Or if you can prove that I'm sleeping behind my sunglasses.

I'm putting it in anyway.

Lacey?

Oh, I brought a bunch of CDs.

Okay, clearly everyone has confused

this assignment about throwing away emotional garbage with...

garbage garbage.

Not emotional? I kept those in my nightstand.

Seeing Lil Wayne's face every time

I reached for a condom was very traumatic.

You have a mix CD from Sean?

"Sean Healey's music to bang by.

Volume three. Ethnic chicks."

Okay, that one's very emotional.

I hate your stupid neighbor Sean,

but it was pretty fun to bang by.

You know what, Lacey? Sean is my good friend

and I don't think he'd like that I know about this.

So I'm just gonna hold on to it.

Embarrass the hell outta him later. [ clears throat ]

Nolan, I don't see anything in your hand.

Well, I gotta stop smoking weed this week

to pass a urine test for a new job I'm up for.

So I brought in this.

Oh, good for you, Nolan. I'm glad you've made this decision.

Yeah, I figured I'd get rid of half of this now

and burn the rest at home.

One joint at a time.

Nolan, if you smoke any weed in the next two days,

you'll never pass that drug test.

Yeah, Nolan, just throw it in the can

and let's smoke this place up.

I just don't think I can quit

and I only got two days until the test.

Well, of course you can. You know why?

Because all these people are gonna help you.

Smoke the weed? Damn straight!

Throw the bag in the fire and let's smoke this place up.

I was talking about emotional support.

And since our earlier experiment was a total fail,

I want each of you to give up something

for the next two days to help Nolan.

Lacey, you're gonna give up shopping.

Are you sure? Because the place where I shop,

for every piece of clothing you buy,

they give a penny to a kid in Thailand.

That's not charity, that's what the kid

gets paid to make the clothes.

And you're gonna take that away from them?

Yes.

No shopping.

And, Ed, you're gonna give up beer.

Damn it! Can I just give up shopping, too?

Wouldn't that be impossible for you?

I mean, look at you, a new outfit every decade?

You're a fashionista.

And, Patrick,

you are gonna give up sarcasm.

[ scoffs ] Okay.

Like I can't go through a day without sarcasm.

Wait a minute. Maybe I can't.

I have a suggestion.

You're allowed to say anything except

"Let's smoke this place up."

Yeah. That's what I thought.

So, Paul, six months from now, you're gonna be out of prison

and dealing with everyday stuff that can cause a lot of anger.

So why don't we try some role-playing?

Let's say I just served you some soup.

Here you go.

Thank you. This looks great.

- How is it? - It's the worst bowl of soup

you've ever had in your life.

You think she spit in it.

[ spits ] If you think you can bring me a bowl

of this crap, you're out of your damn mind.

Now take your ass back in that kitchen

and bring me something I ain't gonna choke on.

Or else you ain't getting none of my money, bitch.

Uh, sorry,

we should have mentioned this isn't a restaurant.

You're talking to your girlfriend.

Yeah, I know.

Oh. Charlie?

We've got some work to do.

By the way, it's my girlfriend's birthday today

and I made her a present.

I love her so much.

Sounds like it.

Wow.

Where did you find pearls in prison?

Well, actually, those are rat teeth that I filed down

into perfect little circles.

Oh. Well, this is the most elegant

rodent-based jewelry I've ever seen.

Don't you think, Jordan?

I don't know, I stopped looking.

Charlie, you think you can give 'em to her?

You're the only guy I trust.

Sure, Paul. You got it.

Oh, and when you get out of here there's a little taco place

on the corner that has enough potential jewelry

to keep you in business for years.

[ knock on door ]

- Can I help you? - Maureen?

- Yes. - Yeah, hi.

I'm Charlie Goodson.

I'm Paul's therapist at the prison prerelease clinic.

He asked me to drop off this birthday gift for you.

Hmm. Is it another pair of earrings made out of rat teeth?

No, but that should go beautifully with those.

Come on in.

So you're his therapist, right?

Can I tell you something in confidence?

Of course.

Well, I want to break up with Paul.

Oh. Well, when you do,

I wouldn't be serving him soup.

Maybe you could help me. Like prepare him a little.

I mean, he's gonna go ballistic once he finds out.

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. I really can't do that.

I'm just his therapist. I don't get involved in his personal matters.

You just hand-delivered a birthday present to his girlfriend.

I do one vermin-toothed delivery a year.

Look, I'd really appreciate it.

I told him I wasn't gonna make a decision

about our relationship until he got out,

but I've already made up my mind.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

I mean, Paul seems like a pretty decent guy

other than the armed robberies and stuff.

He's awful

and he was lousy in the sack.

I haven't even had bad sex in three years.

- You want a drink? - I'd love to,

but I should-- I should really get going.

Yeah. You probably don't wanna be here.

It's my birthday, I'm super horny,

and I'm about to start drinking.

Maybe just a little one.

Oh, look, I got some music we can listen to.

[ theme music playing ]

The world is so ugly when you're not high.

This afternoon I watched a plastic bag dancing in the wind for an hour.

Nothing.

You can do it, Nolan. It's just another 24 hours.

What's the matter with you? I've gone 24 hours

without a beer, I'm doing fine.

Give me another one of these nonalcoholic beers.

You want it with a whiskey chaser again?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Right. Anything for you two?

I'll have five orders of buffalo wings.

Oh, wait. I'm not high.

I'm good.

- Another gin and tonic for you? - Yes, please.

Nolan said you'd given up being sarcastic.

- How's that going? - Oh, it's just the most fantastic--

it's hard. It's really hard.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.

There was a lot of traffic coming back from Beverly Hills.

Is that a new purse?

Yeah, I just picked it up from Neiman Marcus.

You're supposed to be supporting me by not shopping.

I am. Shopping involves going to the register

and paying and I skipped that part.

Oh, shoplifting, what a wonderful--

damn it. Stealing is wrong.

This is just so stupid.

I'm miserable, Patrick's miserable,

and you two are just finding loopholes.

Well...

I got my own loophole.

Don't smoke that, Nolan. You'll fail the drug test.

I'm not gonna smoke it.

Yes, I am.

- Hey. - Hey.

How'd it go with Paul's girlfriend?

Did you give her the birthday gift?

Yeah, I gave her the gift.

Did she like it?

She said it was exactly what she needed.

How could any woman like something so disgusting?

I mean, just the idea of having something like that on my body--

Hey, she liked it, okay?

The rat tooth necklace.

Hey, Paul.

I hear Maureen liked the present.

Well, she must not have liked it too much.

She sent me an email saying she had sex with some guy that night.

Wow. That's-- that's rough.

Did she say who?

Wait a minute. You were there last night.

Yeah.

Did you see anybody?

Yes, yes.

I saw a super tall Asian guy runnin' out the back.

Damn it! That's her brother-in-law.

I knew I couldn't trust that dude.

No, no, no, no. This guy had a mohawk.

An Asian with a mohawk?

Yeah, that's Phil, all right.

I'm gonna kill him.

Look, we can't assume it was him.

There's a lot of...

tall Asian guys with mohawks walking around.

Besides, this guy was wearing

wooden clogs and a kilt.

Yeah, that's not Phil.

Oh, thank God.

Listen, you don't want to wind up back here

because you got mad and then beat some guy up

who just had a momentary lapse of judgment.

Or knew exactly what he was doing

and chose to do it anyway.

Why are you making stuff up?

Well, listen, I got to get back to kitchen duty.

Did you get that message from my lawyer?

Yeah, why does the prison board want to meet with us tomorrow?

I don't know. I've been a model prisoner

with a record of good behavior and no violence.

I deserve to get out. So I can bust that dude's head in.

[ sighs ] Okay, I hear you.

Luckily, we've got six months to work on your anger.

We were gonna do a role-play tomorrow about bad spaghetti dinners,

but I think we can go straight to cheating girlfriends.

Think that'll help?

I hope so.

Believe me, it's as important to me as it is to you.

So, Paul, we know you're set for a six-month release date.

But we've been reviewing your behavior.

I'm sorry, Mr. Adams. Before you continue,

I'd just like to say that...

during Paul's time here, he's learned forgiveness,

compassion, and most importantly

to put bros before hos.

Well, thank you for that confusing interruption.

But I was going to congratulate Paul

because he's going to be released this afternoon.

What?

That's awesome, isn't it, Charlie?

Well, yeah. That's great.

This is a big moment for us.

Can I have a second alone with my patient?

Oh, sure. Go ahead.

Thanks, Charlie. This is the answer to my prayers.

- Sounds pretty good, doesn't it? - Yeah.

It's a trap. Tell 'em no.

What?

They want to kick you out before you're ready so you wind up back in here.

That's how they make their money.

It's like a pyramid scheme, but they use prisoners instead of some...

immune-boosting cactus juice.

- You're being used. - I don't know what you're saying, Charlie.

But I'm ready to get outta here.

Are you? You don't know what it's like on the outside.

- You've been in prison for how long? - Three years.

Three years. Well, the whole world has changed.

How?

How?

Stamps are more expensive.

I see right through what you're trying to do, Charlie.

- You do? - Yeah.

You care about me.

And I appreciate it.

You might be the best friend I ever had.

Please remember that.

Mr. Miller.

Patrick. What are you doing here?

I came to support you for your drug test.

- Why? - 'Cause there's nothing in the world

I would rather be doing.

God, I missed sarcasm so much.

I don't think I'm gonna pass the test, Patrick.

I took a couple hits last night,

but I'm hoping it won't show up.

That's why I'm doing you a solid

by giving you a liquid.

Oh, great. Something to drink to make me pee.

No! No, no! That's my pee.

It's drug-free pee.

Oh! That's really nice.

Thanks, Patrick. I'll give you back what I don't use.

Ed. What are you doing here?

Here. I came by to help you.

I put that little present together at 3:00 this morning,

5:00 this morning, and 7:00 this morning.

Oh, so you decided to pee in a jar

and not all over the toilet seat at Charlie's house.

For the record, that wasn't sarcasm.

That was a desperate plea for a man to aim!

Well, thanks, Ed. It means a lot.

Here, Nolan.

Lacey, you came here, too?

This is like "It's a Wonderful Life,"

but with pee.

That's a very expensive perfume bottle.

I just stole it from Barney's. You can keep it.

Mr. Johnson.

- It's your turn. - Okay.

Hey, uh... after, maybe we can,

I don't know, go shopping or grab a beer?

Oh, absolutely. We'd love to.

You think he realizes you were being sarcastic?

He has no idea.

Hi, Maureen. This is Paul's therapist, Charlie Goodson,

leaving another message to remind you again

that all I did was stop by, and drop off the necklace.

Thanks. Return a call, woman!

Charlie, I am in big trouble.

You're in big trouble? You should hear what I'm going through.

Some guy named Paul Wesley who just got out of prison

left me a voicemail saying that I hooked up with his girlfriend

and he's gonna kill me.

Suddenly what I'm going through doesn't seem so bad.

- How did that happen? - I don't know!

Apparently I hooked up with some chick named Maureen

who I don't even remember and he found out.

- How? - I'm such an idiot!

I'm so stupid, I left one of my "to bang by" CDs at her place.

Well, that's a bummer.

How did I let my life get so outta control like this?

I don't know,

but admitting you have a problem is the first step.

Look, maybe I can help you.

How?

Well, if this Paul Wesley guy

went through the prison system, I'm sure I can find him

and maybe I can get him to go easy on you.

And you think that would work?

- It might. - [ exhales ]

I mean, to him, you're just a faceless stranger.

It's not like you're some guy who he trusted and betrayed him.

- Right. - That's the kind of guy he'd really wanna kill.

Dude, thank you so much for doing this.

I can't believe that I'm in this much trouble.

I wish I could at least remember having sex with this woman.

Stop trying. You're never going to.

[ knock on door ]

Thanks for coming over, guys.

I got some great news.

- So, did you get the job? - No.

How could you fail?

We all brought you clean urine.

Unless...

oh, no.

There was an IQ test.

Nope. It was just a drug test.

The guy ended up hiring his nephew.

- I'm sorry, Nolan. - That's all right.

But I just smoked a big fatty

and the Cartoon Network's entire lineup

makes sense to me again.

- [ knocking on door ] - Coming.

Hey, Paul. How's it going?

Like crap. Freedom sucks.

First my girlfriend screws some dude and breaks up with me.

Then she takes our only car and splits.

Then how did you get here?

The bus and it's horrible.

At least on the prison bus, the crazy people are handcuffed.

Look, I asked you over here so I could calm you down.

If you have another violent incident, you're going back to prison.

All I know is I gotta find this dude.

Okay. I've done you one better.

I found him for you and he's in my kitchen.

You found him? Oh, thanks, Charlie.

You're the best. You know, if you want,

you can watch while I kill him.

- It's gonna be fun. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Nobody's killing anybody here.

This is my house. Not a bus.

So, Paul, this is Sean.

Oh, he's really big.

I am so sorry. Obviously...

if I could go back in time,

I never would've done what it is that I did.

I mean, if I could go back in time,

I'd probably kill Tom Jones and see Hitler in Vegas.

That's not even ri-- I'm so nervous.

Don't worry, Sean. He's not gonna hurt you.

You got one minute before I snap his neck.

Well, then we got a lot of work to do in one minute.

Look, we don't even know each other,

but I'm sure that he's not the kind of guy

that would sleep with a woman knowing she's got a boyfriend.

- Would you, Sean? - Never! No! Of course not.

I don't even-- I don't even remember this woman.

You took advantage of my beautiful angel and you don't even remember?

Listen, she couldn't have been that beautiful,

otherwise I would have.

I think you can do better, that's all. I think you can do better.

- Son of a bitch! - No! Wait, wait, wait.

Maybe-- maybe Sean is right.

In a pathetic,

stupid, backwards way.

Thank you.

Maureen is the problem.

You're angry with her, not with this guy.

You don't want to be with a woman who sleeps around on you.

You know what? You're right.

- I'll never see her again. - Good.

Because I'll be back in prison for killing this fool.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- You can have my car. - What?

She took your car and if you promise

to let him go, you can have mine.

Why would you do this for a total stranger?

Why did Jesus

help all the strangers

who banged his patients' girlfriends?

You never heard that story?

Just take the car.

Thanks, Charlie.

Well, that's taken care of.

You owe me, Sean. You owe me big-time.

Yeah.

So what was it like banging that dude's girlfriend?

- What? - You never would've given him your car

if it wasn't you who did it.

Jesus.

I don't know what you're talking about.

And by the way,

who puts "Kung Fu Fighting" on a bang CD?