Original subtitles

Here you go, Ed.

What's this all about, Charlie?

It's a little reward for everyone opening up in therapy this week.

Great job, everyone.

Thank you, Charlie.

Oh. What a lovely bottle of table wine.

2014. Good year...

so far.

Jesus on the road to Pittsburgh, Charlie.

This is a primo bottle of 160 proof bourbon.

This could kill me.

That's a $200 bottle.

Huh.

Oh, my God.

Dom Perignon? Thank you, Charlie.

Look at that.

Wow. Some kind of French wine from 1981.

Is this gonna go well with grilled cheese?

No, you boob! That is a Chateau Margaux.

It goes well with filet mignon or a delicate foie gras.

How about a gently toasted Pop-Tart?

Okay, I know what you're trying to do here, Charlie.

You're trying to get me soangry that I explode

and sound petty complaining about some idiot from my school

who's gonna be famous just because he sent an audition tape

into "America's Top Designer" and got on,

even though his signature style element is fun buttons.

So, how's my plan going so far?

Pretty good. Who's got a corkscrew?

Well, what do they think of your audition tape, Patrick?

I didn't send one.

Patrick, you're not angry at this other guy.

You're angry at yourself.

Get off your ass and make your own audition tape.

I would, but this season they're focusing on men's clothing

and the submission has to be in tomorrow

and I'm never gonna find a model in time.

That's just an excuse.

If you can handle a realman, I might make myself available.

Aw, Ed. That's so sweet.

Except I designed all the clothes to fit my ex-boyfriend,

who's a human being, not a life-sized Yosemite Sam.

Sean: I'll do it!

Sean, what did I tell you about eavesdropping on the group?

That it's not worth it

because nobody ever says anything interesting.

Which you were...

wrong about.

Please stop doing what you're doing.

You really wanna be Patrick's model?

I do. The other day, I was getting out of the shower

and I caught a glimpse of all this in the mirror,

and I thought, "I could make a living being this."

What do you think, Patrick? Does Sean work for you?

Sure, as long as he doesn't do

that "point in the distance" thing.

Oh, I can't really promise that. I kinda go where the mood takes me.

Well, I'm trying to finish group, so I'm hoping

that the mood takes you...

out the door.

Thanks for helping Patrick.

He just needed a little push.

Of course. It's a blessing to give without expecting anything in return.

So, where the hell is my birthday gift?

Oh, wow. It's still on layaway at the

"things dudes shouldn't expect from other dudes" store.

Well, that's a shame 'cause I got you a present.

I have a party bus full of booze and strippers.

It'll be here any minute.

Even the driver is a stripper.

I bet when she gets down to her chauffeur's cap and little lumbar cushion,

she's a sight to see, huh?

Let's do this. C'mon, let's get some singles.

Sean, I can't. I just started this counseling clinic

with Jordan at the prison.

If it's successful, it'll be huge for me professionally.

Oh, that's right. You have a future and a career.

I'm just a lonely guy on his birthday

who thought he had a friend,

but I guess I don't.

All right, screw it. I'll go.

Yes!

Dude, we're gonna have so much fun.

Hey, Charlie. Ready to go?

Oh, hello, Sean.

[ sighs ] 'Sup, J?

Lookin' good.

You know, today's my birthday,

so if you wanna get me a gift--

Amazon gift card.

Visa gift card.

Casual sex...

gift card.

- Ahem-- - Charlie, we should go.

We have someone coming in early.

Jordan, I've been thinking about it and--

and I'm not coming in today.

Why not?

I have been grooming you for a while now

to work with patients on your own, and...

today is the day that you're ready to start.

What?

Charlie, no. I just got my counseling license.

No way. I'm not ready yet.

Nobody feels ready the first time they do something.

You think a stripper driving a party bus

for the first time feels ready? No.

What are you talking about?

C'mon. It's just Tim. We've been seeing Tim for weeks.

You have a great rapport with Tim.

You'll be fine with Tim.

I guess.

So, you're not coming in at all?

I would love to, but...

I got a ton of paperwork I'm just gonna get caught up with here at home.

[ dance music playing, car horn beeping ]

So... ahem--

good luck.

[ theme music playing ]

So, Tim. Charlie won't be joining us today, but

you should have full confidence that I can counsel you

on your re-entry to society on my own.

Whoo--! Found your file.

So...

why don't we...

pick up where we left off last week?

Absolutely, Dr. Denby.

I keep telling you, call me Jordan.

Jordan. That's a real pretty name for a real pretty woman.

Oh, thank you.

You're not so bad yourself.

Despite the fact that you nearly beat three men to death

with your bare hands. Wow.

What happened there?

I was just workin' at the marina. I restore boats as a hobby.

Working with your hands and... faded jeans.

Go on.

Well, I'm too much of a gentleman to tell you what those thugs did to my girl, but...

after I was done with them I...

ripped my shirt off and used it as a pillow under my lady's head.

Stroked her hand until the ambulance arrived.

Oh, my...

[ exhales ]

[ chuckles ]

Look, Tim.

What you did

may have been justified.

But there are going to be times

where you're gonna be in situations where

a physical response is not appropriate.

Well, is there ever a time where a physical response isn't appropriate?

[ laughing ] I don't know. Shut up, Tim.

Anyway...

Ahem-- there are--

techniques that you can use...

to prevent this. For instance,

if someone were to get too close

and invade your personal space,

it might trigger certain feelings--

No! This is wrong!

Ugh.

Maybe we should do a mock job interview.

- What are you good at? - Kissing.

You're hired.

Charlie, I have to talk to you.

Jordan. What are you doing out at night?

Shouldn't you be at home petting your cats

with a bucket of ice cream strapped to your head?

- I did something bad. - Oh, no. You were petting your ice cream

with a cat strapped to your head?

I was really, really nervous at the prison,

so I had a couple drinks and...

I made out with Tim!

Okay, hold on, hold on.

Not Tim the prisoner,

you mean Tim the janitor.

There is no Tim the janitor.

Well, then you better go find one and start kissing him.

'Cause if it's Tim the prisoner, they're gonna shut us down.

I tried to stop myself.

- Then why didn't you? - Because he works with his hands,

and has a beard and is hot, and I like him!

Jordan, Jordan.

We just had a sexual harassment seminar.

Didn't you learn anything?

They never said anything

about a hot prisoner with a beard

who works with his hands and I like him.

This was gonna be the biggest thing in our careers

and you threw it all away for a cheap sexual thrill.

Charlie.

What's taking so long with the tequila?

Oh, Sean finally got the blacklight working on the bus

and Tammy's already rolling around in glow-in-the-dark paint.

I'll be right there, sweetie.

Girl: Okay.

How could you be so selfish and irresponsible?

Yousent me out to handle a patient

before I was ready so that you could spend the day

with a bunch of stupid strippers?

Hey, they are not all stupid.

In fact, one of them happens to be

a licensed bus driver.

Okay, action!

Oh. Hey, everybody.

I'm Patrick,

and I'm gonna tell you why I want to be

the next "America's Top Designer."

Revenge.

[ laughing ] Just kidding.

It's because I'm the best that there is.

And I'm not kidding.

Come take a look at some of my work.

Feast your eyes on a little something I like to call

"the Perfection Collection" because, well--

I'll just let the clothes speak for themselves.

[ snaps fingers ]

This is my take on club formal.

Hi, I'm Sean Healey and you can view more photographs--

Hey, what the hell are you doing?

You're not supposed to talk.

Well, I'm confused. How am I supposed to promote myself?

This isn't about you. It is about me

and how my clothes elevate the human spirit

and make people feel better about themselves.

You are just a hanger.

Uh, no, I'm not. I am a model,

and models have perfectly proportioned feelings,

and you just hurt mine.

Patrick, why don't you tell everybody why you design clothes?

Asking why I design clothes

is like-- is like asking an eagle why he flies.

Or a duck why he swims--

and occasionally flies.

We don't have a choice.

Now, take a look at the lines on the back of this jacket.

You can turn around now.

Oh, wow. Look at the ass on that suit, huh?

Keep shakin' that thing and let me zoom in.

No! You shut up, and you...

stop doing that or I swear to God I will end you.

You'll end me?

Sometimes I say things without thinking.

I'm out.

Ugly attitude, terrific clothes.

Thanks for coming in, Tim. I know you're busy.

Yeah, it's okay. I was just sittin' in my cell starin' at the wall,

but I can move that to this afternoon.

That's funny. I like you.

You're a good person.

Listen, uh, I know what happened between you and Jordan,

and I wouldn't tell anybody else about it

because she happens to be married...

to the warden.

The warden's a woman.

Exactly.

But she's a lesbian woman

who's very attached to our Jordan,

who is her lesbian wife.

- Warden's not a lesbian. - How do you know?

- Well, I slept with her. - You slept with the warden?

What the hell you still doing in here?

What's this all about, Charlie?

All right, look. [ exhales ]

I'm gonna level with you. Jordan's pretty screwed up,

and she was way outta line and lost control. but I mean,

who could blame her? Look at that beard.

Tim, this would really damage our program. if it gets out

so do me a favor. Just keep it under your hat

and when you get out, I'll buy you a beer.

A beer sounds good.

But I'm also gonna need $20,000 to keep my mouth shut.

$20,000 or I lose my clinic?

That's criminal!

Why am I saying that like I'm surprised?

All right, guys. Before we wrap this up, I just wanna say

that running my new clinic is very expensive.

Every little bit helps, so I'd appreciate anything you could scrounge up.

Nickels, dimes...

$20,000.

I got four cigarettes and a tattoo gun

made out of a BIC pen and dental floss.

Well, I would contribute, but I gave all my money to Wayne's campaign.

Now, he's too modest to tell you, but...

he was just elected president of our cell block!

[ clapping ]

Our first white president.

Lord, I never thought I'd live to see the day.

I ran on the "keep the TV on Telemundo" platform.

Makes the Mexicans happy 'cause, well... it's Mexican,

the blacks happy because there's pretty dancing girls,

and the Aryans happy 'cause they're not being killed

by the blacks or Mexicans.

Well, congratulations, Wayne, and keep in mind

that with a tiny bit of power comes a tiny bit of responsibility.

I'll see you all next week.

Wayne, can I talk to you for a second?

When you're out on the campaign trail

shaking hands, and kissing babies--

Careful, Charlie. Those mean different things in prison.

You don't want to kiss a prisoner's baby

and you definitely do not wanna shake his hand.

Of course not. Especially after he's...

kissed your baby.

Do you happen to know a guy named Tim Simon?

Oh, yeah. Tim's a good friend of mine.

Great beard.

He's trying to shake me down for 20 grand

for something that happened with him and Jordan

at the clinic.

Doesn't surprise me. Jordan's quite the temptress

and women are defenseless against Tim's charms.

Much as they are against my chloroform and duct tape.

Would you mind talking to him for me?

No problem. Don't worry, he's probably just having a little bit of fun with ya.

Well, thanks, man. I appreciate it.

So, what happened with those two?

- She kiss his baby? - No.

Oh, no. She shook his hand?

God, I hope not.

[ knock at door ]

[ bell rings ]

Hey, Patrick.

What's going on?

Well, I was thinking. For the reshoot,

I've decided to go without a model.

I can just put the clothes on a mannequin on the beach.

That's great. I love the beach.

And I get along really well with mannequins.

But why would you wanna send two tapes?

Wait-- what do you mean, "two tapes"?

Well, I already sent in the other one.

What? You sent in the tape?

I was screaming the whole time.

It's supposed to showcase my personality.

[ screaming ] That is not my personality!

Uh, yeah, it is.

You idiot. What have you done? You've ruined me.

Really? Because this morning the producers e-mailed me

and they wanna meet you.

- What? - Yeah, they said they love

your bigger-than-life personality and the fact that you tell it like it is.

So, in other words,

they think I'm a loudmouthed jerk

who's gonna piss everybody off and then not care

about the emotional wreckage I create?

This is great! I'm gonna get so much camera time.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

Now, get out of here.

I'm gonna call all my friends and let it slip that

I'm on the show until they're so jealous

they wanna take a lot of pills, slip into a hot bath,

then slit their wrists.

How was that?

- That's perfect. - Thank you.

But seriously, get out of here.

I gotta call all my friends, let it slip that I'm on the show

until they're all so jealous they wanna take a lot of pills,

slide into a hot bath, and then slit their wrists.

You're gonna win this thing.

Charlie.

- Have you read your e-mail? - You mean the one Sean sent to me?

With the video of that monkey smelling his finger and then falling out of that tree?

[ chuckles ] Epic.

The one from the prison marked "Urgent."

No. Bet it's not nearly as funny.

Holy crap. Tim's dead?

He fell off of the roof of the administration building.

This is so weird and horrible.

I-- gotta be a coincidence.

What's a coincidence?

What did you do?

Nothing. I just talked to Wayne and then,

Wayne talked to him and then...

Wayne may have thrown him off the roof.

Wayne?!

You had a serial killer go talk to somebody?

He said they were friends and...

he doesn't kill his friends, he kills... family members.

He kills ex-wives. He'll kill just about anybody,

but he will not kill a friend.

Or maybe he does! I don't know!

[ ringtone chimes ]

Hello?

Oh.

Yes, of course we'll be there.

Thank you.

That was the guy from the prison board.

He said they want to talk to us.

Maybe they just wanna tell us how good we're doing.

- You think? - Nah, we're screwed.

Get ready to make out with everybody in that room.

- Did you find Wayne? - No, no. He's in solitary and nobody will tell me why.

Well, I know why. Because you told him to kill Tim.

I told him to talkto Tim.

"Talk" probably means "kill" in prison, Charlie.

I don't know if you know this, but in here, "kissing a baby"

does not mean "kissing a baby."

None of this would've happened if you had an ounce of restraint

instead of a fifth of bourbon.

Oh, please. Like you never got drunk and made out with someone

you weren't supposed to. That's like a Wednesday for you.

Okay, okay. This isn't helping.

Let's just... be cool.

- Pretend like we don't know whythis happened. - Fine.

Good afternoon, Mr. Goodson, Dr. Denby.

Do you know why we called you here?

Yes, and before we start, I would like you to know

that--

that sheis the one responsible for everything.

[ mutters ] Dick.

I'm sorry.

But heis the one that made this happen.

You're both very generous, but there's enough praise to go around.

[ stammers ] I'm-- I'm sorry. Praise?

Yes, based on what we've seen, we feel that your program

will be very successful in helping prisoners return to society.

Both: Oh.

Well, in that case, Jordan's right. It was all me.

With your permission,

we'd like to take the lead in pushing your program statewide.

[ both stammer ]

- Absolutely. I mean sure. - Go for it. Yes.

Uh, listen, there is something else.

We want to talk to you about one of your patients... Tim Simon.

Yeah, yeah. We heard that he fell off the roof

of the administration building.

Right. But there was more to it.

Really?

Apparently he was up there working on the flagpole,

and...

was hit by lightning and it blew him right off the roof.

Oh. Thank God.

I mean, oh, why God, why?

That better not be a gin and tonic.

It's not. It's a seltzer water and lime.

- Let me try it. - No.

Let me try it.

Yuck. Seltzer water and lime.

How do you drink that? I need some whiskey to get the taste outta my mouth.

Thanks for your support.

I do support you.

Which is why I want you to take a look at these.

What are those?

These are the mug shots of all the prisoners

comin' through our office in the next six months.

Oh, please. Am I supposed to tell you which ones

I'm not gonna be able to control myself around?

You are such a jerk. If you think this is ever gonna happen again--

oh, my God. His eyes...

That's what I thought.