Original subtitles

[ sighing ]

Okay, so you walked in on me having sex.

I still think we should discuss it

instead of sitting here in awkward silence.

Everything's different now.

I know too much.

[ whimpering ] I've seen too much.

Look, I am sorry. I lost track of time.

But I guess that's one of the pitfalls

of using your house as an office.

And your pool table as a bed.

And an ex-hooker as a pillow.

Hey, Sasha wasn't a hooker.

Have a little respect. She was an escort.

Entirely different tax bracket.

Can we please move on?

Ahem. I hate my apartment.

Thank you, Lacey. Finally.

It's horrible, cheap, and dirty.

Kind of like the way I felt when I walked in here today.

Uh, hi, guys.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry about that.

I hope that didn't make anybody feel too uncomfortable.

- Nah. - No big.

Well, so long as everybody's cool...

- We're the coolest. - Lacey: When in Rome.

You know, I used to charge people to watch,

so you guys, y'all got off easy.

Okay. So that's done.

Lacey, if you hate your new apartment,

why don't you just look for another one?

I can't afford it. And I'm too depressed.

Even my shower's broken, so if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to go take a whore's bath in your sink.

No offense to your girlfriend.

I feel terrible. I got her into that apartment.

I've got to be the one to cheer her up.

Well, Nolan, I'm afraid this is

one of those occasions that cannot be solved with weed.

I knew this day would come.

Well, as little as I'd like to help Lacey...

I have an idea.

What are you thinkin'? Like a makeover?

Oh, because I'm gay, of course it's a makeover.

[ sighs ] I'm sorry, Patrick. What were you thinking?

An apartment makeover.

Shut up, Ed.

Lacey told me that she's going to be out of town for a couple of days,

so we can just fix up her apartment then.

If you expect me to bring my tools over and help...

pass.

Fine, Ed. We don't need you. We have tools.

I have fabric scissors and a thimble.

That's great if you want to turn her apartment into a sock puppet.

All right, damn it. I'll help.

Cool. And I've got one of those screw-lifter-outers

and one of those things you hammer with.

A hammer?

I don't know. Maybe.

Doesn't sound familiar.

- I gotta take off. I'll see you after work? - Mm, no, wait.

Uh, before you go, I think there's something wrong with your shower.

Sasha, we both know what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna follow you in there. We're both gonna get naked

and then spend hours running up my water bill. Am I right?

Yeah.

Do you realize that there are billions of people on this planet

that would kill for clean water?

Let's do this for them.

Sorry I'm late. There was a horrible traffic jam.

You missed our morning meeting

because you spent all day in bed with Sasha, didn't you?

No, it was like a 50-car pile-up.

I've never seen anything like it.

Oh, so it must be on the news.

No, no. No. It was mostly news trucks.

Hit a van full of radio reporters.

Careened into a cell phone tower.

Which is... why I didn't call you.

It's 2:00.

There is no way that you left at 8:30.

Oh, yeah?

Then how do you explain this?

Egg McMuffins, hash browns, pancakes, McGriddles?

They don't sell these things past 10:30.

And yet Ihave them.

There is nothing in that bag but a rock.

That's not true.

There's two rocks.

Charlie, every time she comes to town,

you become so obsessed, you forget what's important to you.

You're right.

I've been irresponsible and I'm sorry.

I don't deserve these McRocks. It won't happen again.

[ loud thump ]

It better not. Because tomorrow

is the prison sexual harassment seminar at 9:00.

There's a sexual harassment seminar for the prisoners?

Someone might want to tell the guys in the shower room.

No, Charlie. It's for the employees.

One person from every department has to attend, and it's not gonna be me.

Every time I go to one of these things,

I'm always the pretty blonde girl that gets used as an example

of what not to do to a pretty blonde girl.

Well, just talk to them a little first.

Once they get to know you, they'll never harass you.

Hey. People who know me

find me totally harassable.

Tell you what. I'll go to this seminar

and you go to the one for people with delusions.

[ theme music playing ]

[ both panting ]

Charlie, you're still a therapist, right?

[ gasping ] I think so.

Right now I'm not even sure what my name is.

We're normal, right?

- What do you mean? - It's just...

we're having a lot of sex.

I mean, a lotof sex. Is this okay?

Are you kidding? This is healthy.

It's only a problem if it interferes with your life.

I'm gonna get some sleep. I've got a 9:00 meeting.

Charlie, it's 9:30.

In the morning?!

Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with us?

Are you in trouble?

No, no.

I was supposed to be somewhere for Jordan, but...

you know what? She exaggerates these things. I'm sure she's fine.

So we're in a workplace environment.

And I'm about to talk to thiswoman.

I'm not lookin' here.

I'm not lookin' down there.

Turn around, lady.

And I am definitely not lookin' back here.

Turn back around, miss.

- [ sighs ] - Now let's say it's an office party

and I've had a few too many.

And I've lost all respect

for personal space.

All right. I'm out. I've just texted Jordan that I'm on my way.

Oh, don't you have time for a late breakfast? I made you pancakes.

Oh, look, you made hearts.

No, those are my boobs.

And, if you turn this one upside down, it's my butt.

It's uncanny.

I wish I had time to eat the whole stack, but I'm running late, sweetie.

Okay, well, have fun at the office, dear.

- I hope you get that big account. - Me, too.

The boss is coming over for dinner tonight,

so go ahead and make your ass-shaped pot roast

and your twice-boobed potatoes.

See you tonight.

Hey, Sasha.

Is Charlie here? He missed a fun meeting

and I wanted to update him on what happened.

Look. I'm not going to lie to you.

You're too smart.

The guy next door was mowing his lawn and he cut off his foot.

Charlie had to drive him to the ICU

while he kept the foot in a glass of milk.

You do that for a tooth, not a foot.

Look, he is desperately running around trying to find an alibi.

He may not be able to tell time, but he's incredibly cute.

You know what else is cute?

According to the guys at the sexual harassment seminar,

my boobs, my butt, and my face--

If I would just smile.

Look, I'm sorry. It's kinda my fault, too.

No matter what Charlie and I do, we always fall in bed together.

You know what?

You should get dressed and let me take you to lunch.

- Really? - Yeah.

But don't tell Charlie. He doesn't like it

when his girlfriends mix with his girlfriends.

That is so strange because just the other night,

we were talking about inviting one of my girlfriends over--

That'sa completely different thing.

Boy, it's a good thing Lacey lets me have a key.

Otherwise we couldn't redo her apartment.

When you say, "lets you have,"

does that mean, "doesn't know you have"?

Hey, if she didn't want me to have her key,

why would she let me take it out of her hand

and make a copy of it while she was passed out drunk in the hallway?

What the hell are we supposed to do with this place?

It's smaller than a cat's ass in an all-dog orgy.

So here's what I'm thinking.

Lacey needs a place where she feels comfortable,

yet confident. Elegant, yet warm.

Sophisticated, yet earthy.

I wish you'd shut up, yet fall off a cliff.

Don't you guys ever watch those home decorating shows on TV?

They ask a person what they like,

and then they make a whole room about that.

Well, Lacey likes her Indian culture.

I say we fix this place up like a city in India.

Fill it up with garbage and flies

and bring some kids in to beg, then call it a day.

Ed, you know, they've really cleaned up India.

They have pretty good restaurants now

and nuclear weapons.

Hey, you guys. I've just had an inspiration.

I know exactlywhat I'm going to do with this place.

Is it something Lacey's going to like?

I've been inspired. Lacey's feelings are really secondary now.

So, you really think this could change my life?

Think it? I know it.

The best way to get clarity on what you want to do with your life

is to completely abstain from sex.

- All sex? - Everything.

- [ gasps ] - For at least six months.

[ sighs ]

I'm on a sex cleanse right now!

- No. - How do you think that I got my life?

Everything was sex, sex, sex,

but then I stopped? Bang! PhD. Bang! New job.

Bang! New apartment. Bang! Other good stuff

that can't be measured by just saying, "bang."

You know what? I am going to do this.

But Charlie's not going to like it.

Are you kidding? He will be completely supportive.

If I know Charlie, I know exactly how he's gonna react.

You're... doing what?

- For how long? - Six months.

Look, I know it's an adjustment,

but it's kind of exciting, right?

I mean, this is going to give me a clear head

so I can move on to the next phase of my life.

You know what else will give you a clear head? You and me having sex.

Cardio-intensive, fat-burning, envy-of-the-western-world sex.

- You're upset. - No, no, I'm just a little confused

about where this idea came from.

Well, it goes back to Freud.

You had lunch with Jordan, didn't you?

Kinda. But don't tell her I told you!

All right, Sasha. Look, look.

Here's what's goin' on.

I've been late to work a couple of times,

and Jordan is using our sex life--

our magnificent, gravity-defying,

why-aren't-they-filming- that-in-3D sex life to get back at me.

How could you say that about a woman who is so together?

You know Jordan's doing the sex cleanse herself, don't you?

She's not doing the sex cleanse.

She's doing the nobody-on-Earth-will- sleep-with-her cleanse.

Charlie, Jordan thinks this might be really good for me.

I'd really like your support.

[ sighs ]

Okay. Okay, I respect your decision.

I mean, we don't need sex to have a good time, right?

Exactly. Hey, maybe we could watch a movie.

Well, sure. Sounds great.

I'll go make some popcorn.

Hey, Jordan. It's Charlie.

It's about 9:00. Just calling to say

that I'm going to kill you tomorrow at the office.

So, enjoy the last night of your life.

Bye-bye!

I'm proud of you, Patrick.

Workin' with your hands like a regular blue-collar Joe.

Oh, this isn't blue, it's periwinkle.

Oh, my mistake.

I should never have talked to you in the first place.

[ knock on door ]

There you are. Finally.

- Did you get everything I asked for? - Pretty much.

What do you mean, "pretty much"?

I gave you a very specific list.

Oh, my God! What did you do?!

I'm sorry, Patrick, but I know Lacey loves shoes,

so when I saw the shoe lamp, I thought--

why not get it?

Let me explain to you why you shouldn't have gotten a shoe lamp--

- it's a shoe lamp! - So?

So, it's not going to match anything else we got.

I don't know, but it goes pretty good with this.

Breathe, boy.

You're turning periwinkle.

Well, look who's late today.

I told you I was going to be at the dentist, Charlie.

Well, that's a problem.

You know how you told Sasha not to have sex with me for six months?

What if I told your dentist not to work on you for six months?

Fine with me. You're only supposed to see

your dentist every six months anyway.

I don't want to have sex with my dentist once every six months.

I like that she

"cleans my teeth" three to four times a day.

She "cleans your teeth" three to four times a day?!

Your teeth are going to fall out.

Look here, you beauty pageant dropout--

[ gasps ] Who told you?

Your hair.

If you have a problem with me, you come to me.

You don't go behind my back and tell my girlfriend

that her life's going to get better if she stops having sex.

Ahem.

- Is it okay if these guys start setting up? - Yes. We're done here.

And by the way, I hadto drop out of Miss Tween Tennessee.

I had a magic act and some little whorefrom Knoxville poisoned my dove.

You want to talk about what color you want, Charlie?

Or about the girl who's not having sex with you?

'Cause that's a lot more interesting.

- You guys heard that, huh? - Who does Jordan think she is?

You should be able to have sex whenever you want,

wherever you want, with whomever you want whether they want it or not.

Thank you, Cleo, that's good advice.

Right up until the felony.

Why would your girlfriend even listen to Jordan, Charlie?

Because she respects Jordan and Jordan said she was on a sex cleanse, too.

Girls always be doin' things together,

like goin' to the bathroom and gossipin'

and killin' other girls for gossipin' about them in the bathroom.

Again, Cleo. Good thought, then felony.

Simple solution, Charlie.

If Sasha's doin' this because she believes Jordan's not havin' sex,

you gotta make Sasha believe that Jordan is.

Well, how am I supposed to do that?

Bring Jordan back in here. Find a volunteer to have sex with her.

Hey, Wayne,

what about Fred?

- That is a great idea. - Mm-hmm.

Fred's the greatest con artist to ever walk this earth.

He's like George Clooney in "Ocean's 11."

Or 12.

But not 13.

No one came off good in that one.

And you think Fred can convince Sasha he's having sex with Jordan?

Just have him bump into Jordan in front of Sasha.

He can convince anybody of anything.

Yeah, if he told me I was white, I would believe him.

Until I looked down in the shower.

Anyways, Jordan, I just wanted you to know

that I've given this sex cleanse thing some thought

and I think it's all going to work out.

Thank you, Charlie.

I don't know how you do it, Jordan,

because I have been really struggling.

I find it helps to crochet a lot.

Oh, is that like a code word?

[ softly ] Because I "crocheted" in the shower all morning.

[ sighs ] While you were doing that, I was in bed

furiously working on a sweater.

[ phone chimes ]

That's one of my patients.

I'll be right back.

Excuse me.

Have you seen a really good-looking guy,

looks a little bit like George Clooney?

Every day when I shave.

You're Fred?!

I sense you're feeling threatened.

Don't beat yourself up. Not everybody could look like this.

Hold on. Hold on. I'm paying you$500?

No one's going to believe my friend gave up celibacy for you.

Got into it, maybe, but not gave it up.

So, you don't find me attractive, but the ladies do.

I'm a force of nature.

Women undress me with their eyes.

Really? Because I'm puttin' a snowsuit on you with my eyes.

Look, I'm the best con man in the business.

But if you don't want to use me,

at least give me the 40 bucks I paid the cab.

Fine. Here ya go.

Ha! My mom gave me a ride.

Congratulations. You can tell all your friends

you've been conned by the best.

How's your patient?

Uh, not as good-looking as he thinks.

Okay, got a Scotch for you

and a martini for you

and Diet Coke for you. You sure that's all you want?

No, I want a half a bottle of tequila.

But I'm struggling to get two weeks sober.

Almost drank the free mouthwash in the bathroom.

Yeah, before I quit, I used to drink that

off-brand, nighttime cold syrup.

I called it the "Wheezing, Sneezing, Aching, Hacking,

Get Enough Courage to Leave Your Husband" medicine.

Good for you for admitting that.

The most important part about working the program

is being completely honest about everything, right?

Look, I'm just here slingin' drinks.

I'm not here to fire up an AA meeting.

Well, good for you, Jordan.

As you well know, as a person in recovery,

one little lie can lead to another.

Pretty soon you're lying about drinking.

Then you're lying drunk in a gutter.

After that, you're lying to a cop about where your pants went.

That's true.

Thank you.

I mean, how could you live with yourself

if you lied to someone like, I don't know...

Sasha?

I mean, the guilt from that

would make anybody start chugging mouthwash, wouldn't it?

Okay, I lied! I'm not on a sex cleanse.

I'm just a bad first date. I'm a great second date, but nobody knows.

What a shocking revelation.

I trusted you. Why would you lie to me?

You wanna know why?! I'll tell you why!

Because Charlie...

...was late.

Seriously, if you take off this blindfold and anyone is naked,

I will kill everyone in a 10-foot radius.

No, we knew you hated your apartment,

so we gave it a makeover.

We sure did.

Oh, my God.

It's all shoes.

It was all Nolan's idea. Nolan did it. Nothing to do with it.

So, this was you.

I love it!

Thank you so much!

I enjoyed that.

[ panting heavily ]

You're late again!

Aw, crap.

I'm not saying that Jordan is right.

And I came to this completely on my own.

But when we're together,

the only thing we're getting done is each other.

Yeah, maybe we should take a little break.

But not six months.

No, no, no, no. Just a few weeks. Or a week.

I mean, we did just spend a couple of minutes having a conversation.

For us, that's a really good break.

[ giggles ]

Okay. A couple weeks.

Don't you have to go back to work now?

Nah, Jordan's there. She owes me.

Besides, there's nothing going on there, anyway.

All right, everybody. It's time for our mandatory

refresher course on CPR.

Get on your back, lady.