Original subtitles

[ cans rattle ]

Well, it looks like Charlie had another classy party.

Ooh. Beer in a can.

I wonder if the Queen was here.

I'm gonna get some coffee.

- Don't. - [ screams ]

That coffee is a day old.

Charlie, what are you doing under there?

Had a party here last night

celebrating Jordan and I finishing our sex study.

Looks like you had a hell of a shindig here.

Yeah, but...

I forgot to invite Jordan

so I could actually have some fun.

Of course you were drinking.

That's why we all got this text at 2:00 A.M.

that said we've made a lot of progress

and you love our "rad spirits."

I'm a very honest drunk.

I didn't get that text.

I'm a very honest drunk.

I can respect that.

Not only did we complete our research,

but it looks like we're gonna get published.

Oh, cool. Can I read it on my Nook?

Do you get "The New England Journal of Medicine" on your Nook?

Ooh. That is the one journal of medicine she doesn't get.

Quit looking at my Nook.

Can I look at your Nook?

Do you even know what a Nook is?

I think I do.

Anyway, it's almost a done deal.

We just gotta meet the publisher,

say some sciencey type things--

"gravity makes stuff fall"--

and we're in.

All right, guys, let's start our session.

I'm freaking out.

My parents cut me off because of my sham wedding.

Now I have to move out of my beautiful apartment.

Or you could just get a job.

A job?

This is like a nightmare and I can't wake up.

Hey, I know a guy who just moved out of his apartment.

It's cozy and super affordable.

Cozy is poor person code for crappy.

It's like when they call fat women real.

Fat chicks are fun.

[ groans ]

Hey, anybody want to go to Denny's for pancakes?

Sean, this is anger therapy.

Get the hell out.

Is anybody...

upset over the way I just treated Sean?

Who wants to see me apologize over pancakes?

Good. I'm starving. Let's go.

[ theme music playing ]

Will you please get up and help me clean this place?

The publisher is gonna be here any minute.

You do realize the messier this place is,

the harder it looks like we've been working.

Will you please get up and help me make this place a mess?

- [ knocks ] - Hey, Charlie.

Hey, Shauna.

- Nice to see you. - Hi.

Jordan, this is Shauna from the grant foundation.

Nice to meet you.

Sorry the place is such a mess.

As you can see, we've been very, very busy working.

Well, I usually think, "meticulous office, meticulous research,"

but, hey, maybe that's just me. [ chuckles ]

Charlie, Jordan, this is Peter Mazer.

He's a publisher who's very excited about your work.

- Ah, Peter. Nice to meet you. - Pleasure.

So, which journal is it again?

"American Psychologist" or "The Journal of Social Psychology"?

I'm from "Maxim."

Maxim...

Journal of Social Psychology?

I think he means "Maxim" on the newsstand next to "Juggs."

Oh.

Juggs Journal of Social Psychology?

I know it's unorthodox, but the university thought

that a popular magazine, like "Maxim,"

could raise the profile of the grant foundation

and hopefully attract new funding.

Charlie, say something.

Uh, to be honest, I never thought our work

would wind up on the floor of a fraternity bathroom.

You tell 'em.

Then again, a lot of fraternity bathrooms do have magazine racks.

What?

One of the most respected sex studies ever was published in "Playboy."

Jordan, this could be big.

So, are we gonna be in the "Sex in the South" double issue?

'Cause that would be awesome.

The magazine is so excited

about giving your study a wide audience,

they're publishing excerpts over four different issues.

Actually, we're calling them "sexerpts."

What are you gonna call us?

- "Sexperts"? - That's correct.

"Sex-a-lent."

Well, best part is we're gonna feature the two of you

in a full-page photo in the magazine.

I see Charlie in a tuxedo

and you in a towel.

That is not even remotely related to our study.

Why don't you just put Charlie behind a desk

and me wearing nothing but a lab coat with my boobs hangin' out?

I love it!

See, that's why you're the sexpert.

We are notgoing to allow this.

We are taking our study and we are shopping it to a real journal.

We own it, you don't.

Well, then, we will not be doing that.

But if you do this, we are gonna go to the press

and we will destroy the foundation's credibility.

Jordan, what are you doing? We could reach a huge audience.

This magazine is one of the last reasons

that men still read.

You know what, Shauna? I don't think this is gonna work out.

What? Of course it's gonna work out.

A lot of my business decisions are based on vibes.

And I'm not really feeling this anymore.

Wait, wait, wait. You're basing this on her vibes?

She doesn't have any vibes.

Stand next to her, you'll see.

Can't we just put this in a smaller journal?

Any journal?

This was going to be really huge for our foundation.

You blew it for us. We're gonna blow it for you.

You're done here.

I expect you both out by Thursday.

What did you just do?

I saved our integrity.

No, no. You ruined my chance to make a name for myself.

And meet hot Maxim girls at Maxim parties.

I guess the only upside to any of this is I'll never have to see you again.

Well, I don't care if we're never famous.

I'd rather sit home with my cat

and scrapbook horse pictures with my head held high.

You know what? If your life wasn't already

such a complete train wreck, I would ruin it.

Sorry I'm late.

I was busy photoshopping someone's face

onto naked photos that I sent to "Maxim."

Anyway, guys, I'd like you to meet someone who's joining us today.

This is Gene.

Oh, I know Gene. We're in the same book club.

Also, I beat Gene down in the laundry.

- Hey, Gene. - Hey, man.

You know, beat-downs just don't get enough credit

for bringing people together.

Anyway, Gene, uh...

it says here that you're a nonviolent offender,

you did 10 years,

and now you're back after a month for assault.

What the hell happened?

Well, I'm enjoying my first dinner out

and I'm sitting there with my fork in one hand

and my shiv in the other.

Gene, Gene. You know outside of prison that's called a knife.

Continue.

Um, and the waiter started to take my plate away

while I was still eating.

So, I stabbed him in the leg

with my, uh, knife.

You do understand that he was just trying to clear your table, right?

Yeah. I understood that better

when he was on the ground screaming,

"I was just trying to clear the table."

I get why he did it, Charlie.

When you're in prison, if another prisoner

takes your food, it's a power move.

I've never tried the powdered eggs here.

Are they that good?

Does anyone here know what Gene's real problem was?

I do. First thing you do when you get out of prison,

you make love to a hooker, you kill your lawyer,

then you go eat.

His way, he's gonna be too full when he's making love to the hooker.

Good answer, Wayne.

To a much scarier question.

No, no. Gene was still operating

under a prison mentality.

Didn't anybody counsel you before you got out?

Some guy in the weight room told me to stay hydrated.

Has anybody ever talked to you guys about

the frustrations of dealing with society after you get out?

Only once. And by the way, we don't call it society in here.

We call it "When I get out, I'm gonna kill my lawyer land."

Yeah, a lady came in here a couple years ago with puppets.

Told us to talk about our feelings.

[ chuckles ] Not a good day for her.

God rest her soul.

This is crazy.

Why isn't there some sort of an anger clinic for guys getting out?

Because then Gene wouldn't be back in here.

And I have plans for Gene.

You know what?

I should open a clinic like that right here.

It'd be a total game changer.

Yeah. But don't use puppets.

If you do, though, I recommend learning

the art of ventriloquism.

'Cause if any of these boys see your mouth move,

you're a dead man.

Thanks for letting me help you move in, Lacey.

You're welcome.

So, uh, what do you think?

I never knew people lived like this.

I don't understand why anyone would want to be poor.

Uh, what's wrong with this window? It's stuck.

No, actually, they're not supposed to open more than an inch.

I heard the building had a problem with people falling out the windows

with notes taped to themselves.

Those are suicides, Nolan!

I don't know. I never read the notes.

What did I do to deserve this?

You tried to cheat your parents out of a million dollars.

I know what I did!

All right. Well, I'm gonna start heading home.

Do you need a ride, Nolan? I have to move my car anyway.

No, I could use the walk.

Well, see you later.

You live next door?

I know. Isn't it great?

If you need anything, just knock on the wall.

My bed's on the other side.

You tricked me, Nolan!

You said your friend lived here.

He did, and then he jumped out the window.

But they fixed that. So, you're gonna be fine.

[ grunts ]

- [ knocks ] - Hello.

Charlie Goodson?

Oh, hey, if you're the next study coming in, I'll be out by tomorrow.

Might want to hire a cleaning crew.

Hundreds of people have had sex in here.

This place could use a real good hosing down.

Well, then I won't touch anything.

I'm Richard from the state funding office.

We talked on the phone about your prison clinic?

Oh, of course. I thought we were gonna meet at your office next week.

Yeah, well, my daughter goes to college here,

and she's sleeping with a pothead.

So, every now and then, I like to stop by

and flush his primo stuff down the john.

Okay.

Please, please sit.

So, did you read my proposal?

Yes.

And I think your prisoner re-entry program is a great idea.

Well, thank you. And in five years,

we could have one in every prison.

We'll be like the McDonald's of rehabilitation.

One billion served... their time.

[ clears throat ] Now they're out and doing great.

- Hello. - Afternoon.

Selling something to "Orgasm Magazine"?

That's my ex-partner.

She has a lot of integrity and no friends.

Nice to meet you.

Screw you, Charlie.

See? You see? That's why she has no friends.

That's a shame you guys can't work together anymore.

Why?

Because... well, look.

If she was your female business partner,

you'd have a better shot at getting funding.

With her.

Wait. So, you're saying that I have to have a woman

working on my project to get state funding?

I never said that.

That would be discrimination.

But my chances would be better if I did.

Much.

Because she's a woman.

I never said that.

[ sighs ]

Why won't you just tell me that I have to have a woman?

Because I don't want to lose my job.

I'm gonna have to support my daughter forever.

She's dating a pothead!

Okay, okay. I get it, I get it.

[ sighs ] Now look, this is a bit of a long shot,

but would your daughter be interested in working in a prison?

- With you? - I never said that.

- [ knocking ] - Woman: Who is it?

Man: It's the plumber.

Woman: Plumber? I didn't call a plumber.

- [ music playing ] - [ moaning ]

[ knocks ]

[ knocking ]

Lacey? Uh... what are you doing home?

It's midnight, Nolan.

I'm taking a nap before I go out.

I can hear your porn through the walls.

That's not porn.

It's a love story between a man and a woman

and another woman.

And then, like, three other women,

and then this guy with a crazy big monster hog.

I can't take this. I'm moving outta here.

No, no, no, I promise this is the last time

you'll hear another love story comin' out of my apartment.

From now on, I'll use my headphones.

Can I borrow some headphones?

Fine, but after you're done watching

your love stories, don't touch them.

Just shake your head until they fall off.

Hey, wanna shoot a round?

No, I can't, Sean.

I've got this one last interview,

and if this one falls apart, I am screwed.

Turns out not a lot of women want to work in a men's prison.

With men who, you know, want to attack them.

So sexist.

I'd totally work in an all girls' prison.

Breakin' up catfights in the shower

by spraying 'em down with the hose.

Quick, quick, quick logic question.

Why would you use the hose if they're already in the shower?

Ah, these are very, very dirty women.

Of course. Anyway...

there's another reason I'm having a hard time finding someone.

Hold on a second, I'm still on the shower fight.

All right, all the girls are back in their cells. Go on.

There's a vicious rumor in the psychological community

that I have occasionally/frequently

enjoyed the company of the women

that I work/sleep with.

Oh. You're being slut/shamed.

Which normally I'd be proud of.

But it's really starting to affect my career.

I gotta find someone by Monday.

[ doorbell rings ]

[ exhales ] God, I hope this one works out.

Hi.

[ breathing heavily ]

Well, that really worked out.

Yeah.

That was amazing.

Well, I guess we should discuss your job benefits.

I mean, other than this one.

Yeah. About that.

I don't think we can work together now.

What? Why?

Did you get another offer while we were having sex?

No. It's because we had sex.

That? No, no, no.

That was just to kill the sexual tension.

You know sexual tension costs small businesses

over $5 billion a year?

I was just being fiscally responsible.

[ sighs ] Sorry, Charlie.

As a rule, I don't work with anybody I've had sex with.

Well, why didn't you tell me that before we had sex?

I did tell you that when I was taking off my blouse.

Oh, was that what you were saying?

I couldn't hear you over your body.

- I gotta go. - No, no. Wait, wait.

There is virtually no one else qualified to do this job.

If you agree to work with me, I promise

this will never happen again.

You promise?

I promise.

[ breathing heavily ]

I have no self-control.

Neither do I.

- Good luck in your career. - Yeah.

- God, that club sucked. - I know.

That was the worst '80s night ever.

I know. It was just a bunch of people

wearing shoulder pads and playing synthesizers.

That's what the '80s were.

Oh.

I'm so glad we were babies during that time,

didn't know what the hell was going on.

You know, we should have taken our ecstasy before we got there

and not waited until the cab ride home.

Awesome cab ride, though.

I was totally mackin' on the driver's neck.

That wasn't the driver,

that was the glass partition.

Whatever, it was hot.

Sucks that we didn't meet any guys.

Who needs guys anyway?

I've got a bunch of windows here we could just make out with.

- [ phone beeps ] - Oh, it's Mike.

Gross booty call.

See ya.

Wait! So you're just gonna bail?

Oh, my God.

You don't have anybody.

That's so sad.

Lacey: No, it's not.

I've got an even grosser booty call.

Nolan! If you wanna have sex with me

get over here right now. Nolan!

Lacey: Get over here! Nolan! Let's do this!

I'll do anything you want.

[ knocks ]

- What do you want? - Can I come in?

Look, I know you're really upset with me,

but, I need to talk to you. Just for a minute.

Fine. One minute.

I will use the stopwatch on my phone.

[ camera shutter clicks ]

Hey. Why did someone take a picture of you on my phone?

What were you doing at my apartment?

How about-- how about we just talk?

There's nothing to talk about.

As of today, I'm no longer a scientist

with a reputation to protect.

I have found a new career

where I can drink.

I'm a tortured poet,

like Dylan Thomas or Ted Kaczynski.

Who?

You know, the guy who wrote at the bars.

You mean Bukowski?

The Unabomber? No! You're sick.

What do you want?

Look, I-- I pitched this prison re-entry program

to the state, and they loved it.

But I can't do it without you.

Why?

One reason only.

We make a great team.

Or, because the state set a quota

for funding projects and you need a woman,

but nobody will work with you

because you've already slept with everybody.

Wow. For someone who claims to be drunk,

you're pretty sharp.

Well, forget it.

You "lath essex."

You "lass seg--"

You wanted to put our science in a boobie magazine.

It was the only offer we had.

And I don't "lath ekkicks."

I "lath" recognition.

And you're gonna "lath" a place to live

if you don't get a job.

You said I had no friends

and no vibes.

Hey, I'm your friend.

I'm pretty sure you have a vibe...

around here somewhere.

Fine. I accept.

Thank you.

On one condition.

We are equal partners,

- and you treat me with respect. - Done.

And you listen to this poem I wrote about a sad horse.

You already read me that one.

- I did? - Yeah. Yeah.

There's a picture of me listening to it on your phone.

Oh.