Original subtitles

Now, you've all been going off on each other a lot lately.

So today, if somebody frustrates you,

instead of verbally attacking them,

shoot them with a foam dart.

So, Ed, what's on your mind today?

Well, I woke up this morning--

This is a great idea. Where do we get more bullets?

Here's some more.

This is good. Nobody yelled at each other.

This is stupid. If we're gonna do this,

can we just use real guns?

If we used real guns, two people would already be dead.

Three.

What's going on, Lace? You seem a little tense.

I haven't been able to sleep.

A couple of days ago, I saw a mouse running around my apartment.

It totally freaked me out.

- Don't say it, Ed. - Say what?

You know, that Lacey and mice have a lot in common.

They both run around at night and carry diseases.

Hey, I was trying to protect you.

That's for the lie.

If you want, Lacey, I can come by tonight

and help you catch the mouse.

Okay, fine. But just know

if you come after 7:00, I'm gonna be all sweaty from Pilates.

You know, this is great. You guys have developed a friendship--

[ dart fires ]

What the hell was that for, Nolan?

I didn't mean to.

My finger was on the trigger and I was picturing

Lacey all sweaty from Pilates.

[ phone chimes ]

Sorry, guys.

Ugh.

It's a reminder from the ethics board

that I have to see my probation officer today.

I can't believe you have a probation officer

from pulling your pants down at a bank.

I shot a guy in the balls and I didn't get one.

You have a probation officer.

Oh, my God. I'd better call that guy.

But you're right, it is insulting to have to report

to somebody who's going to judge my behavior.

There's nothing wrong with my behavior.

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

In Nerf therapy, you also get shot

if you block the driveway

or are late on your bill

or fall asleep during session.

Oh, come on.

Next time, you have to answer the phone like that.

This is a professional organization

that represents psychologists.

I'm not going to say it.

- [ phone ringing ] - Okay.

I guess you're not the girl I thought you were.

Thank you for calling Cuckooville Crazy Hut.

It's probably your mom's fault. Can I help you?

Oh, hello, my boss.

Sorry, I thought my friend was calling back.

How much longer?

Okay, I'll tell him.

I hate you so much.

And now I'm stuck with you for another hour.

Awesome.

If I had known that you were the receptionist here,

I'd have gotten in trouble a long time ago.

Oh? What'd you do?

I pulled my pants down in a bank.

It was kind of a political protest.

Oh, really? So what do you do

when you don't have your pants around your ankles?

I'm an anger management therapist and I also run a sex study.

Ooh, sex study? Oh, I want to play.

- Interview me. - Okay.

One of the things we examine is the effects of geography

on sexual mores.

I don't know what that means.

Where's the craziest place you ever had sex?

In the bathroom at work.

- How was that? - Ask me in about 20 minutes.

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

'Cause my body is saying yes, but my head is saying yes.

I don't want to get you fired.

Oh, please. Get me fired.

The pay sucks and there are no benefits except this one.

- Let's go. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's not be animals about this.

We should hold hands on our way to the bathroom.

Sorry to have kept you waiting, Goodson.

I was in a hearing pulling someone's license.

What was the infraction?

Dating patients, seducing interns,

inappropriate therapeutic methods.

Where do you stand on shooting your patients with a Nerf gun?

[ laughs ] I can't imagine a circumstance

where that would be of any value.

Me neither. And if any of my patients

say I was doing something like that, remember, they're crazy.

So far, Goodson, I don't like you.

Wait, I know what you're gonna say next.

You don't like me, but you respect me.

No.

Okay. You don't like me,

but you're willing to reserve judgment until you get to know me.

No.

You've made up your mind and I'm screwed.

In a perfect world, yes.

But what I think doesn't matter.

Your probation is based upon you screwing up again.

And when you do, I will bury you deeper

than the pharaohs of old.

Okay, I don't mean to correct you,

but technically not all pharaohs were buried.

A lot of them were entombed in little things aboveground called pyramids.

Excuse me, Dr. Cameron. Can I see you for a moment?

Excuse me. I'll be right back.

You know, maybe it's just the sense of fun you bring to any situation,

but I miss you already.

I'm busy. What is it?

Well, I've got to get out of here early tonight. I'm going to a concert.

This is a job and you stay until it's done.

You just don't get up and want to leave early because you're my daughter.

Sorry.

My assistant,

she's always trying to screw me.

Been there.

[ theme music playing ]

Did you find the mouse yet?

No, I just finished setting the traps.

Don't worry. It won't hurt you.

He's probably more scared of you than you are of him,

like I am.

Why would you be scared of me, Nolan?

If I wanted to hurt you, I would have by now.

You have hurt me. Many times.

Yes, because I wanted to.

- [ clicking ] - What was that?

I don't know, but I think he'll come out

if we stay quiet and still for an hour or two.

Maybe lay down on top of each other with our clothes off.

Go check in the bathroom.

Mice are attracted to nudity.

Go!

- Oh, my God! - Did you get him?

No, we both use Pert Plus.

- Got him. - Then come out.

You know, according to your scale,

I lost 20 pounds since I left my house.

It's adjusted for water weight.

Did you get the mouse?

Here's the little fella,

all safe in his house.

[ squeals ] Yay.

Totally saved my life. Thanks, Nolan.

Side hug.

You and that thing can go now.

Bye.

[ whimpers ]

Hey, little guy.

I'm gonna call you Mickey

'cause you remind me of my favorite character as a kid.

Mickey Rourke.

Did you see her hug me in there?

It was all because of you.

Hey, do you want to do this again tomorrow night?

Cool.

So Nolan caught the mouse

and it was the bravest thing I've ever seen.

Except for a fireman who ran into a burning building

to save a pair of shoes I left in there.

He went into a burning building for shoes?

Yeah.

After I told him there was a baby in a Gucci shoe box.

The real victim here is the next baby

in a shoe box stuck in a burning building.

So have you seen any more mice?

Nope.

- Really? - No.

Because where there's one mouse,

there's usually at least one more

that looks exactly like him.

Sure, he can say it about mice,

but if I say it about the damned Asians--

And we're out of time.

See you all next week.

So, Goodson...

you always allow racist comments in group?

Well, I would have cut him off sooner,

but I think we were all a little bit curious

about which ethnic group he was gonna insult this time.

Charlie, I want to do the guns again.

I like shooting Ed when he says stuff like that.

- Guns? - Guns. Guns.

Guns are what we call strong words.

When we shoot our gun, we're expressing ourselves.

Ed, you hurt me.

See? I just shot my gun.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, Dr. Cameron, my daughter Sam.

- Hi, Sam. - Hi.

Dad, you know how I usually have to check my locker

a million times to make sure it's locked?

Well, today, I only checked it once.

Well, that's fabulous. Congratulations, sweetie.

Yeah. So I think I'm gonna go back to school.

- Why? - I think I forgot a book.

My daughter has a bit of OCD.

You don't have to tell me.

I recognize the symptoms in my own daughter.

She works in my office.

Your daughter?

Yes, Shannon. You met her.

Any chance it was the Hispanic lady

mopping the hallway?

No, the receptionist.

She's my little girl.

[ phone chimes ]

- You need to get that? - No, no. No, it can wait.

- [ phone chimes ] - So, how does your daughter's OCD

manifest itself? Repetition? Hand washing?

It's the thing she does to men.

- Oh. - [ phone chimes ]

She meets some guy, and if he doesn't contact her in a couple of days,

she becomes insecure and clingy.

- [ phone chimes ] - Feels compelled to text him like a madman.

- [ phone chimes ] - I feel sorry for those guys.

[ phone chimes ]

You sure you don't have to get that?

I've never been more sure about anything in my entire life.

I should probably leave.

Frankly, I blame the men.

These guys come in, take advantage of her, then break her heart.

I've yet to put my hands on one.

When I do, I'll make him pay for all the others.

That doesn't seem fair.

I'm not a fair man, Goodson.

You're the ethics guy.

[ phone chimes ]

[ phone chimes ]

[ phone chimes ]

What is up with your phone?

Who's texting you?

Friends.

You're just jealous 'cause I'm popular.

- [ phone chimes ] - Son of a bitch! Leave me alone!

It's a girl, isn't it?

The second you meet somebody, you want to jump their bones

and then you find out that they're crazy.

That's not what this is.

This is a lot of different friends driving me nuts.

"Whatcha doing?" "Did you get my texts?"

Hey, Charlie. Whatcha doing? Did you get my texts?

Right again.

Shannon, what are you doing here?

Can't your girlfriend come and see where you work?

I'm Shannon. Who are you?

I'm Jordan.

Jordan is also a girl.

And my friend.

So she's my girlfriend, too.

Like you are.

Yes, but we're not having sex like you are.

Yes, but you and I are doing a scientific study on that very subject.

You'll find this interesting.

It is a proven fact that people can have sex

one time, like we did, and just be friends.

A proven fact.

Like gravity.

Are you trying to tell me that we're just friends now?

I think I know what's going on here.

You're worried my dad is gonna find out about us and freak.

But as long as we're together,

nothing bad will ever happen because I will never tell him.

Now, are we in a relationship or not?

Sure sounds like it.

[ knocking ]

Thanks for coming over so quick.

I was just taking a bath and I saw another mouse.

I know this is stressful. Why don't you pour us some wine,

light some candles while I kill this mouse?

And if another one comes back tomorrow, I'll kill him, too.

Maybe I should just get a cat.

If you do, I'll come back and kill him, too.

[ gasps ]

You know, if he's bothering you.

Well, I don't see anything.

But I'll stay here all night if I have to.

[ sighs ]

You want to watch a movie or something?

Maybe get back in the bath?

- [ squeaking ] - There it is!

What are you doing?

You're too slow. I'm gonna kill it myself.

No, you can't, Lacey, because of your religion.

- Whatever it's called. - Oh, Hindu, Shmindu.

Shmindu, that's it.

- Prepare to die. - No, Lacey, stop.

I can't let you do this to Mickey.

Mickey's not a pest. He's my friend.

There was only one mouse and I let him in your apartment so I could be near you.

- Nolan. - No, I love him.

And no one's gonna hurt him.

Now where'd he go? I want to take him home.

He was on the broom.

What?

Oh.

Well, hopefully now he's in Shmindu heaven.

I was talking last week about how anger

is often a by-product of fear.

So I'd like to go around the room and have each of us

state what we're most afraid of.

My biggest fear is public speaking.

The first time I robbed a bank,

instead of saying, "Give me all your money,"

I said, "Give me all your monkeys."

And it fell apart from there.

Cleo, what are you most afraid of?

You know Marcellus,

the meanest, baddest prisoner in this whole place?

I think I've heard of him.

I'm afraid he no longer finds me attractive.

I mean, he was obsessed with me,

but now when he sees me, it's like I'm not even there.

So he was obsessed with you

and you got him to stop? How?

You got a problem with someone obsessing on you, Charlie?

Yes, and I'm afraid if I break up with her,

then her dad will take away my therapy license.

If he does, I know a guy that can make a fake one for you.

You got four packs of cigarettes

and a pair of gently used old lady underwear?

I don't.

I'm a little concerned about the crowd you're hanging with.

You got to make up a great lie.

One that'll make her think breaking up with you is her only option.

I know a guy who can come up with a great lie for you.

You got a complete set of oil paints and a six-pack of root beer?

Him I like.

Oh, he's the same guy with the underwear.

Just has a crazy pricing system.

Ernesto's right about the lie.

But it can't be just any lie.

It's got to be a lie that she relates to

so she'll believe it.

Exactly. I didn't want my kids to know that I killed people,

so I told them I'm in here 'cause I robbed a candy store.

They can relate to that.

That's why they believed my lie.

That's very thoughtful, Wayne.

But wait, wait, wait. You don't have any kids.

But you do. That's why you believed my lie.

I feel really close to you right now.

Maybe it's because you've sitting in my lap for an hour.

You're so funny.

Why don't I get us a couple of beers

while my scrotum reinflates?

I hope you like Corona 'cause it's all I got!

Missed you.

We-- we should talk.

No, no, no. Over there. Over there.

Is everything okay?

I mean, we're having a good time, aren't we?

Oh, yeah. No, this is friggin' Mardi Gras.

But I have to tell you something very serious.

It's about my ex-wife Jennifer.

What is it?

She has an extreme case of--

I don't know if you've heard of this--

OCD.

Heard of it? You are not gonna believe it,

but I've got it.

What? You're kidding? I had no idea.

Yeah.

I can totally relate to her problems.

Well, I was hoping you would.

But her situation has gotten so bad

that she's gonna have to move back in here with me.

And I don't think we can keep seeing each other.

Are you sure?

'Cause I've got my OCD completely under control.

Sure, you. But she can barely leave her house.

- Hey, Charlie. - Jennifer!

What are you doing out of your house?

Is this about me sleeping in till noon yesterday?

'Cause I don't need your sarcastic crap.

Hi, I'm Jennifer, Charlie's ex.

And don't mind me, I'm just here to pick up my daughter's tennis racquet.

I'm just grabbing something to drink and I'm out.

She seems like she's doing pretty well.

Are you sure she needs supervision?

Are you kidding me?

Watch her obsessive rituals.

First, she pours herself a glass of water.

And fills it to right there.

Every time.

It's painful to watch.

Now she brings it to her lips.

And watch how many times she swallows.

One, two, three.

Three. It's always three. It's so sad.

Then she looks over at me suspicious.

We're working on this part.

Hey, honey.

Charlie, do you mind if I cut myself up an avocado?

Sure. Go ahead.

Did you hear that?

She said, "cut myself up." It's about to go sideways.

You should leave while you can.

Jen, give me the knife.

- Why? - You know why.

Go, Shannon. Go.

From now on, if you're gonna use me

to get rid of some crazy bitch,

let me know in advance.

You should be nice to me.

I just left a very important relationship to take care of you.

So, I wake up last night and there's a ferret in my bed.

It's not mine. I promise.

It has a tag on the harness

that says "Nolan's ferret."

First of all, it's pronounced...

[ with French accent ] "No-lahn's ferray."

Which means "Nolan's ferret."

I had an exciting time myself last night.

I flipped on the TV

and there was "A Place in the Sun"

with a young, hot Elizabeth Taylor.

Oh, my God, I watched that, too.

Elizabeth Taylor was so gorgeous.

You've got that right, kiddo.

Hey, we finally found it.

The intersection of old and gay.

Well, thanks, everybody. See you next week.

So, Doc, how am I doing?

As a therapist?

You seem to be competent.

Your personal life is another story.

My daughter told me everything.

Okay, in my defense, she's got daddy issues.

That's kind of on you.

Excuse me?

She told me about your ex-wife's problem

and how you're taking care of her.

I think that's extraordinary.

Oh, that. Well, it's the least I can do

given my high moral standards.

With that in mind,

I think you can go without the constant monitoring for a couple of months.

Wow! Thank you.

I couldn't be happier.

Other than the fact that my ex-wife's

mental health is rapidly deteriorating.

Guess who got lucky last night.

Oh, hi. I'm Jen, Charlie's ex-wife.

Sorry to interrupt.

Okay, I need to fire her new caregiver.

That guy is taking way too many liberties.