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1
00:00:01,653 --> 00:00:03,220
All right,
while we're waiting
for Patrick to get here
2
00:00:03,264 --> 00:00:04,656
and start talking
about your problems,
3
00:00:04,700 --> 00:00:06,789
I've got a major
problem of my own.
4
00:00:06,832 --> 00:00:09,574
Who should I go out with
Saturday night?
5
00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:12,969
Super hot or--
6
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:15,319
Both:
Super hot.
7
00:00:15,363 --> 00:00:18,757
It's always super hot.
8
00:00:18,801 --> 00:00:20,846
But I didn't even
tell you about the girl
who's super smart.
9
00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:24,546
You know what?
You're right.
10
00:00:24,589 --> 00:00:29,072
I'm assuming this is about
your date to my wedding to
Patrick on Saturday night.
11
00:00:29,116 --> 00:00:31,814
Well, it's definitely not
for the Slash concert
at Staples Center.
12
00:00:33,337 --> 00:00:34,730
So anyone know someone
who wants tickets
13
00:00:34,773 --> 00:00:37,080
to the Slash concert
at Staples Center?
14
00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:38,864
How could you
forget, Charlie?
15
00:00:38,908 --> 00:00:40,823
Thursday's the rehearsal,
Saturday's the wedding,
16
00:00:40,866 --> 00:00:42,651
and Sunday
Patrick and I cash
17
00:00:42,694 --> 00:00:45,045
the million-dollar
wedding check my parents
are giving us.
18
00:00:45,088 --> 00:00:47,047
Because I thought by now
that this scam would be over
19
00:00:47,090 --> 00:00:49,614
and the next time you and I
spoke would be from jail.
20
00:00:49,658 --> 00:00:52,008
Lacey, you're making
a mockery of weddings.
21
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,619
They're supposed to be
about two people who actually
care about each other.
22
00:00:54,663 --> 00:00:56,404
Well, I'm not going.
23
00:00:56,447 --> 00:00:59,189
And don't anyone try
to talk me into it.
24
00:01:03,019 --> 00:01:05,587
So, Lacey,
25
00:01:05,630 --> 00:01:09,808
is your family coming
from India to witness
this joyous felony?
26
00:01:09,852 --> 00:01:13,856
Yes, and I just found out
my parents are having Mahesh
at the wedding.
27
00:01:13,899 --> 00:01:16,163
Mahesh?
Is that a person
28
00:01:16,206 --> 00:01:18,817
or some dot-head appetizer
29
00:01:18,861 --> 00:01:21,211
that's gonna give
me the trots?
30
00:01:21,255 --> 00:01:24,780
Mahesh is the ugly,
fat kid from India
31
00:01:24,823 --> 00:01:26,129
that my parents
wanted me to marry.
32
00:01:26,173 --> 00:01:28,218
This is gonna
be so awkward.
33
00:01:28,262 --> 00:01:29,611
Just be polite to him.
34
00:01:29,654 --> 00:01:32,222
How can I be polite
when he's fat?
35
00:01:32,266 --> 00:01:34,137
It's easy.
36
00:01:34,181 --> 00:01:37,097
Like when I'm talking
to someone who's shallow
and self-centered,
37
00:01:37,140 --> 00:01:39,795
you just pay them
a compliment and smile.
38
00:01:39,838 --> 00:01:42,972
By the way,
great blouse.
39
00:01:43,015 --> 00:01:45,279
Oh, my God,
thank you.
40
00:01:46,889 --> 00:01:48,673
I remember you
as a little girl
41
00:01:48,717 --> 00:01:51,023
all wide-eyed
and innocent.
42
00:01:51,067 --> 00:01:52,938
And tomorrow
I am marrying you.
43
00:01:52,982 --> 00:01:55,245
- You must be very excited.
- Yeah, yeah, whatever.
44
00:01:55,289 --> 00:01:57,334
Before we start
this rehearsal thing,
45
00:01:57,378 --> 00:01:59,728
I've got this Hindu friend
who's getting married
46
00:01:59,771 --> 00:02:02,731
to a guy
just to get a buttload
of money from her parents.
47
00:02:02,774 --> 00:02:05,299
Can you go to
Hindu hell for that?
48
00:02:05,342 --> 00:02:07,127
Lacey.
49
00:02:08,171 --> 00:02:09,825
Don't move.
50
00:02:09,868 --> 00:02:13,176
You know what?
Just text me the answer.
You're the coolest. Bye.
51
00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:15,352
Hi. Can I help you?
52
00:02:15,396 --> 00:02:18,442
You are just as beautiful
as I remembered.
53
00:02:18,486 --> 00:02:21,141
Holy crap.
54
00:02:21,184 --> 00:02:22,577
Mahesh.
55
00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:26,494
When did you become
crazy doable?
56
00:02:26,537 --> 00:02:29,888
You motivated me
to lose weight when you
turned down my proposal.
57
00:02:29,932 --> 00:02:32,674
Oh, my God.
I created you?
58
00:02:32,717 --> 00:02:34,241
This is awesome.
59
00:02:34,284 --> 00:02:36,373
Well, a lot has changed.
60
00:02:36,417 --> 00:02:39,811
I also started
my own software company
in Silicon Valley.
61
00:02:39,855 --> 00:02:42,640
Oh.
62
00:02:42,684 --> 00:02:45,426
[ stammering ]
How is that going?
63
00:02:45,469 --> 00:02:48,037
Microsoft offered us
300 million,
64
00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:50,126
but I think
we can do better.
65
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:53,216
Are you asking me
to marry you?
66
00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:54,696
What?
67
00:02:54,739 --> 00:02:56,654
You're marrying Patrick.
68
00:02:56,698 --> 00:02:59,657
Okay.
I'll think about it.
69
00:03:02,356 --> 00:03:04,575
Okay, so you'll read this
70
00:03:04,619 --> 00:03:06,751
after the Hindu cleric
and the priest welcome
everybody.
71
00:03:06,795 --> 00:03:09,145
So they're both
performing the ceremony?
72
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,234
The Hindu cleric
is for Lacey's family
73
00:03:11,278 --> 00:03:13,105
and the priest
is for my mother
74
00:03:13,149 --> 00:03:16,326
who still makes me
feel worthless even
from beyond the grave.
75
00:03:19,416 --> 00:03:22,158
Excuse me.
Do you know where the--
76
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,116
Charlie?
77
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:25,727
As I live and breathe,
Eugene Alvarez.
78
00:03:25,770 --> 00:03:28,338
Oh, my God.
It's been so long.
79
00:03:28,382 --> 00:03:30,427
Last time I saw you,
I was in the dugout
80
00:03:30,471 --> 00:03:32,734
watching you break
your bat over your knee.
81
00:03:32,777 --> 00:03:35,084
Last time I saw you,
you were in the clubhouse
82
00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:36,781
offering me a bottle
of Jack Daniels
83
00:03:36,825 --> 00:03:39,044
and a handful of Vicodin
because I broke a bat
over my knee.
84
00:03:39,088 --> 00:03:42,309
That was a long
time ago, Charlie.
85
00:03:42,352 --> 00:03:44,398
- A lot has changed. Yeah.
- Yes, it has.
86
00:03:44,441 --> 00:03:46,269
I'm an anger management
therapist now
87
00:03:46,313 --> 00:03:48,793
and you're a guy
who dresses like a priest.
88
00:03:48,837 --> 00:03:50,230
[ laughs ]
89
00:03:50,273 --> 00:03:52,362
I don't know the gag,
but I like it.
90
00:03:54,059 --> 00:03:55,844
There is no gag.
91
00:03:55,887 --> 00:03:58,150
I mean, I'm a man
of the cloth.
92
00:03:58,194 --> 00:03:59,456
I'm one
with the Lord now.
93
00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:00,762
Wow.
94
00:04:00,805 --> 00:04:02,416
And there I was feeling
all high and mighty
95
00:04:02,459 --> 00:04:05,680
for not parking
in the handicap zone.
96
00:04:05,723 --> 00:04:08,160
- So you're doing the wedding?
- Yeah, yeah, first one.
97
00:04:08,204 --> 00:04:10,946
I mean, I'm new at this.
I've only been a priest
a couple of months.
98
00:04:10,989 --> 00:04:14,297
So you're popping
your wedding cherry.
99
00:04:14,341 --> 00:04:16,908
- Am I allowed to say that?
- Yeah, of course.
100
00:04:16,952 --> 00:04:18,693
Charlie, I'm still
the same guy
101
00:04:18,736 --> 00:04:20,085
even though I wear
this collar
102
00:04:20,129 --> 00:04:22,000
and you have
to call me Father
103
00:04:22,044 --> 00:04:24,176
and you have
to kiss my ring.
104
00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:26,309
And you have to
kiss my ass.
105
00:04:26,353 --> 00:04:29,094
[ laughs ]
I was kidding.
106
00:04:30,182 --> 00:04:32,707
So was I.
107
00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:35,623
Listen, after rehearsal,
let's go grab several drinks
and get all caught up, yeah?
108
00:04:35,666 --> 00:04:37,407
Yeah, absolutely.
109
00:04:37,451 --> 00:04:40,236
I mean, just so you know,
I don't really drink anymore.
110
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,107
I mean, other than
the sacraments.
111
00:04:42,151 --> 00:04:44,545
Not a problem.
Go to this great
little place I know.
112
00:04:44,588 --> 00:04:46,373
They have a two-for-one
sacrament until 7:00.
113
00:04:47,678 --> 00:04:50,072
[ theme music playing ]
114
00:04:51,682 --> 00:04:53,858
So how's Jen?
115
00:04:53,902 --> 00:04:56,296
Oh, she's doing good,
but, you know, we're
divorced now.
116
00:04:56,339 --> 00:04:59,211
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's a shame.
117
00:04:59,255 --> 00:05:01,431
Oh, come on.
If you weren't a priest,
you'd be all over that.
118
00:05:01,475 --> 00:05:03,955
- You always had
a thing for her.
- Yeah.
119
00:05:03,999 --> 00:05:07,437
Now I have a thing
for Him.
120
00:05:07,481 --> 00:05:09,352
That sounded a little
odd, my friend.
121
00:05:09,396 --> 00:05:11,049
Yeah.
122
00:05:11,093 --> 00:05:12,877
So wait a minute.
This whole priest thing,
I don't get it.
123
00:05:12,921 --> 00:05:14,357
I mean, you were the guy
that got kicked off
124
00:05:14,401 --> 00:05:17,665
of Motley Crue's tour bus
for making Tommy Lee cry.
125
00:05:19,057 --> 00:05:20,537
People change, Charlie.
126
00:05:20,581 --> 00:05:22,452
I was given
a sign from God.
127
00:05:22,496 --> 00:05:25,499
What, did you see,
like, Christ's face on
a piece of toast?
128
00:05:25,542 --> 00:05:27,588
[ laughs ]
Of course not.
129
00:05:27,631 --> 00:05:30,460
It was in
a flour tortilla.
130
00:05:31,722 --> 00:05:34,290
I was depressed.
I was feeling hopeless.
131
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,553
I looked down
and there he was,
132
00:05:36,597 --> 00:05:38,381
smiling up at me.
133
00:05:38,425 --> 00:05:41,036
But that must sound
silly to you, right?
134
00:05:41,079 --> 00:05:44,387
No, no, not at all.
In fact, one time I dropped
a tube of Go-Gurt
135
00:05:44,431 --> 00:05:48,173
and the splatter told me
to stay drunk for nine
straight days.
136
00:05:48,217 --> 00:05:50,088
[ laughs ]
Come on.
137
00:05:50,132 --> 00:05:51,916
But I think you might have
taken it a little too far.
138
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,701
Well, think what you want.
139
00:05:53,744 --> 00:05:57,095
But my life is easier
now that I don't have
those urges anymore.
140
00:05:59,707 --> 00:06:01,099
- Aha.
- What?
141
00:06:01,143 --> 00:06:02,927
- You just checked her out.
- No, I didn't.
142
00:06:02,971 --> 00:06:04,929
- Yes, you did.
- I didn't.
143
00:06:04,973 --> 00:06:07,062
Oh, come on.
You could pick that ass
out of an ass lineup.
144
00:06:08,106 --> 00:06:10,152
Which we did once
in Kansas City, remember?
145
00:06:12,154 --> 00:06:15,157
- I'm telling you,
man, this isn't you.
- Charlie, this is me.
146
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,986
I'll bet if I threw
some real temptation on,you wouldn't be able to say no.
147
00:06:18,029 --> 00:06:21,119
Go for it.
My faith is strong.
148
00:06:21,163 --> 00:06:22,730
You come here
tomorrow night.
149
00:06:22,773 --> 00:06:24,427
- But you've got to give
me a fighting chance.
- Okay.
150
00:06:24,471 --> 00:06:26,037
Lose the collar.
Don't tell anyone
you're a priest.
151
00:06:26,081 --> 00:06:29,040
Done. But if I prove
you wrong,
152
00:06:29,084 --> 00:06:31,434
you have to come
to church for a year.
153
00:06:31,478 --> 00:06:32,696
- Fine.
- Okay.
154
00:06:32,740 --> 00:06:34,002
Make it two years.
155
00:06:34,045 --> 00:06:37,309
You know what?
Three...
156
00:06:37,353 --> 00:06:39,442
months.
157
00:06:39,486 --> 00:06:41,052
Just not in a row.
158
00:06:44,099 --> 00:06:46,231
You ran into
Eugene Alvarez?
159
00:06:46,275 --> 00:06:47,668
That's so random.
160
00:06:47,711 --> 00:06:50,061
Didn't you
used to like him?
161
00:06:50,105 --> 00:06:52,281
No, you and I
were married.
162
00:06:52,324 --> 00:06:54,109
I never even thought
of him that way.
163
00:06:54,152 --> 00:06:57,808
Is he still single,
because, God, I wanted him.
164
00:06:57,852 --> 00:07:00,811
He's about as single
as single gets.
165
00:07:01,812 --> 00:07:03,858
You'd never hit on
a priest, would you?
166
00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:05,903
Of course not.
167
00:07:05,947 --> 00:07:08,123
Why? He's not
a priest now, is he?
168
00:07:08,166 --> 00:07:10,125
No, no.
169
00:07:10,168 --> 00:07:12,649
But he's thinking
about becoming one.
170
00:07:12,693 --> 00:07:14,825
That is not
a good idea.
171
00:07:14,869 --> 00:07:17,567
Talk about putting
a square peg in a round hole.
172
00:07:17,611 --> 00:07:20,831
I think his days
of putting his peg in any
kind of hole are over.
173
00:07:22,093 --> 00:07:25,357
Unless someone shows him
that it's the wrong choice.
174
00:07:25,401 --> 00:07:27,708
Oh, okay.
175
00:07:27,751 --> 00:07:30,188
So you decided to go out
and buy Chinese food,
176
00:07:30,232 --> 00:07:32,843
come here and talk me
into doinking him?
177
00:07:32,887 --> 00:07:34,715
No, no, no.
178
00:07:34,758 --> 00:07:37,805
But have you tried
the sweet and sour doinking?
It's excellent.
179
00:07:37,848 --> 00:07:40,938
Look, all I'm asking
is you pretend to seduce him.
180
00:07:40,982 --> 00:07:44,638
When he makes his move,
bam, you tell him Charlie was
right and you just walk away.
181
00:07:44,681 --> 00:07:46,553
Isn't there some other way?
182
00:07:46,596 --> 00:07:48,859
Well, I was gonna send him
half a dozen hookers.
183
00:07:48,903 --> 00:07:51,732
Then I realized that what
he really wants is you.
184
00:07:51,775 --> 00:07:53,821
- I don't know.
- That is a huge compliment.
185
00:07:53,864 --> 00:07:58,608
I'm saying that you have
the power of six hookers.
186
00:07:58,652 --> 00:08:01,785
Aw, thank you.
187
00:08:06,094 --> 00:08:08,923
Hey, douchebag,
where's Charlie?
188
00:08:08,966 --> 00:08:12,579
Douchebag was my father.
You can just call me Bag.
189
00:08:12,622 --> 00:08:14,015
Okay, Bag.
190
00:08:14,058 --> 00:08:16,496
I hate you
and I need my therapist.
Where's Charlie?
191
00:08:16,539 --> 00:08:18,367
He's at the grocery store.
192
00:08:18,410 --> 00:08:20,369
For some reason, he keeps
running out of cereal.
193
00:08:20,412 --> 00:08:22,458
You want some?
194
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,939
No, I'm going through
something serious
195
00:08:24,982 --> 00:08:26,549
and I need
to talk to him.
196
00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:28,333
You can always talk to me.
197
00:08:28,377 --> 00:08:29,987
No, thanks.
He's a therapist.
198
00:08:30,031 --> 00:08:31,989
You're a soulless
bag of crap.
199
00:08:32,033 --> 00:08:33,948
Again, just Bag.
200
00:08:35,732 --> 00:08:37,691
Is this about
your wedding tomorrow?
201
00:08:37,734 --> 00:08:39,736
I can't marry Patrick.
202
00:08:39,780 --> 00:08:41,956
Why not? I thought
there was a million
bucks in it for you.
203
00:08:41,999 --> 00:08:45,307
I know, but I realized
there's someone else
I should marry.
204
00:08:45,350 --> 00:08:47,483
Ah, got it.
205
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,616
Listen, let me finish
my bowl of cereal
206
00:08:49,659 --> 00:08:52,967
and then we'll do it
in Charlie's bed and talk
about our future.
207
00:08:53,010 --> 00:08:55,186
Shut up.
It's the fat guy
from India
208
00:08:55,230 --> 00:08:56,797
that my parents
wanted me to marry.
209
00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:59,669
But they never told me
he got hot and super rich.
210
00:08:59,713 --> 00:09:03,020
Why would they
hurt me like that?
211
00:09:03,064 --> 00:09:05,153
Why don't you just
call off the wedding?
212
00:09:05,196 --> 00:09:06,894
If I do that,
213
00:09:06,937 --> 00:09:08,983
Patrick will be
so mad about losing
out on the money,
214
00:09:09,026 --> 00:09:10,811
he'll tell my parents
we were tricking them
the whole time
215
00:09:10,854 --> 00:09:12,813
and I'll end up
with nothing.
216
00:09:12,856 --> 00:09:15,685
So come up with a sneaky
way for your parents to find
out that Patrick's gay,
217
00:09:15,729 --> 00:09:18,949
pretend to be devastated,and then marry the Indian dude.
218
00:09:18,993 --> 00:09:21,125
That's brilliant.
219
00:09:21,169 --> 00:09:22,605
Thank you.
220
00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:24,389
I am always
here for you.
221
00:09:25,739 --> 00:09:28,611
Hey, you want to knock one
out in the pantry?
222
00:09:28,655 --> 00:09:30,831
You're disgusting.
223
00:09:30,874 --> 00:09:32,354
All right, seriously,
where'd I lose you?
224
00:09:32,397 --> 00:09:34,443
Was it knock one out
or was it pantry?
225
00:09:34,486 --> 00:09:36,576
We can make love
in the pantry.
226
00:09:38,926 --> 00:09:40,841
Well, I'm very
appreciative
227
00:09:40,884 --> 00:09:42,973
of all the things you're
willing to do with me,
228
00:09:43,017 --> 00:09:46,586
to me, and above me
on a swing.
229
00:09:47,630 --> 00:09:48,936
But I'm gonna
have to pass.
230
00:09:48,979 --> 00:09:50,633
Well, your loss.
231
00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:52,983
But here is my number
232
00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:54,594
in case you
change your mind.
233
00:09:54,637 --> 00:09:57,031
Oh, thanks.
234
00:09:57,074 --> 00:09:58,946
Thanks.
235
00:09:58,989 --> 00:10:01,035
Oh, and tell Charlie
good try.
236
00:10:02,036 --> 00:10:03,646
[ coughs ]
237
00:10:07,084 --> 00:10:10,522
Hey, Brett.
Can I get a glass
of chardonnay?
238
00:10:10,566 --> 00:10:13,003
- You by yourself tonight?
- Now I am.
239
00:10:13,047 --> 00:10:14,439
I just got stood up.
240
00:10:14,483 --> 00:10:17,529
I got to find that old man
who started eHarmony
241
00:10:17,573 --> 00:10:19,662
and burn his house
to the ground.
242
00:10:19,706 --> 00:10:21,621
Jennifer?
243
00:10:23,013 --> 00:10:24,754
Oh, my God.
244
00:10:24,798 --> 00:10:26,669
Eugene Alvarez?
245
00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:29,019
Yeah.
Good to see you.
246
00:10:29,063 --> 00:10:32,370
Oh, so what are you
doing in town?
247
00:10:32,414 --> 00:10:34,242
Still with all
that gorgeous hair.
248
00:10:34,285 --> 00:10:36,418
Uh...
249
00:10:36,461 --> 00:10:39,943
well, I got
a new job.
250
00:10:39,987 --> 00:10:42,250
- Oh.
- Yeah. Big company.
251
00:10:42,293 --> 00:10:45,296
Home office
is in Italy.
252
00:10:45,340 --> 00:10:47,037
You look great.
253
00:10:47,081 --> 00:10:49,344
Yeah, thanks.
You do, too.
254
00:10:49,387 --> 00:10:50,911
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
255
00:10:50,954 --> 00:10:52,869
- Want to know my secret?
- Yeah.
256
00:10:52,913 --> 00:10:56,394
A strict regimen
of wine every day
257
00:10:56,438 --> 00:10:58,396
and not enough sex.
258
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:01,269
[ laughs ]
Me, too.
259
00:11:05,055 --> 00:11:08,798
Oh, come on.
How does this happen?
260
00:11:08,842 --> 00:11:12,106
Jen, it's the middle
of the day.
261
00:11:12,149 --> 00:11:13,803
Why didn't you
call me back?
262
00:11:13,847 --> 00:11:15,109
How'd it go with
you and Eugene?
263
00:11:15,152 --> 00:11:18,068
I did it.
I broke him.
264
00:11:18,112 --> 00:11:21,071
I don't think he'll be joining
the priesthood anytime soon.
265
00:11:21,115 --> 00:11:24,727
I knew it.
We saved him from a huge
crisis down the road.
266
00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:26,424
You did a really great
thing for that guy.
267
00:11:26,468 --> 00:11:28,992
Oh, I did four
great things
for that guy.
268
00:11:30,211 --> 00:11:32,169
You did-- whoa, whoa.
What are you talking about?
269
00:11:32,213 --> 00:11:34,084
Well, I don't
kiss and tell,
270
00:11:34,128 --> 00:11:35,869
but we had sex,
so what do you
want to know?
271
00:11:35,912 --> 00:11:38,219
You weren't supposed
to sleep with him.
272
00:11:38,262 --> 00:11:40,047
I thought I was
doing you a favor.
273
00:11:40,090 --> 00:11:42,005
I know he was doing
me a favor.
274
00:11:42,049 --> 00:11:44,225
He's a priest.
275
00:11:44,268 --> 00:11:47,532
No, he's not.
You said he was thinking
about being a priest.
276
00:11:47,576 --> 00:11:49,012
Priests don't do
what he did
277
00:11:49,056 --> 00:11:51,754
because they know
God's watching.
278
00:11:51,798 --> 00:11:56,063
Well, God was watching
you last night do a priest.
279
00:11:56,106 --> 00:11:58,021
Oh, my God!
280
00:11:58,065 --> 00:12:00,110
What have I done?
I'm going to hell.
281
00:12:00,154 --> 00:12:02,243
Why did you lie to me?
282
00:12:02,286 --> 00:12:04,593
Because if I told you
the truth, you wouldn't
have done what I wanted.
283
00:12:05,986 --> 00:12:07,901
If that sounds selfish,
there's a reason for that.
284
00:12:07,944 --> 00:12:10,773
It is.
285
00:12:10,817 --> 00:12:13,210
[ phone chimes ]
286
00:12:14,037 --> 00:12:15,735
Hello.
287
00:12:15,778 --> 00:12:18,999
Hey, Charlie, you know
that priest you came in
with last night?
288
00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:21,044
Well, he's down here
drinking pretty heavily
289
00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:25,005
playing grab-ass with
a couple of fallen women.
290
00:12:25,048 --> 00:12:27,877
Habeas mirabilem pectora.
291
00:12:27,921 --> 00:12:31,707
That's the way you say
"you got a great rack"
in Latin.
292
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:34,101
[ laughing ]
293
00:12:34,144 --> 00:12:36,103
I'll be right down.
294
00:12:36,146 --> 00:12:38,018
Well, congratulations.
295
00:12:38,061 --> 00:12:41,064
You screwed him
right off the God wagon.
296
00:12:43,197 --> 00:12:45,808
Eugene.
What are you doing?
297
00:12:45,852 --> 00:12:47,592
Quรฉ onda, Charlie?
298
00:12:47,636 --> 00:12:50,595
Hey, apropos of nothing.
299
00:12:50,639 --> 00:12:53,555
How many shots
can you take in a half
hour without dying?
300
00:12:53,598 --> 00:12:55,775
One less than
you have in you.
301
00:12:59,343 --> 00:13:00,823
What happened to you?
302
00:13:00,867 --> 00:13:04,435
You were right, Charlie.
I couldn't resist temptation.
303
00:13:04,479 --> 00:13:08,309
I slept with a woman
and broke my vows to God.
[ hiccups ]
304
00:13:08,352 --> 00:13:11,355
Okay, okay, I know
who you slept with
305
00:13:11,399 --> 00:13:13,531
and I've done some
things with her, too,
306
00:13:13,575 --> 00:13:16,012
that may have
offended God.
307
00:13:16,056 --> 00:13:17,622
But you don't have
to sink this low.
308
00:13:17,666 --> 00:13:19,842
Sorry, ladies.
309
00:13:19,886 --> 00:13:21,888
After that wedding tomorrow,
310
00:13:21,931 --> 00:13:25,282
I'm gonna lose the collar
and I'm gonna tear
through this town
311
00:13:25,326 --> 00:13:28,590
like Generalissimo Carranza
tore through Chiapas.
312
00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:33,116
So this guy banged
his way through Chiapas?
313
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:34,901
I don't know.
314
00:13:34,944 --> 00:13:36,467
But I assume so.
315
00:13:36,511 --> 00:13:39,383
He was a pretty
good-looking guy.
316
00:13:39,427 --> 00:13:41,908
Hey, let's bounce.
Whoo!
317
00:13:41,951 --> 00:13:44,127
Eugene. Eugene.
318
00:13:44,171 --> 00:13:46,564
You have an addictive
personality that's out
of control.
319
00:13:46,608 --> 00:13:48,001
You're better off
being addicted to God.
320
00:13:48,044 --> 00:13:51,569
Way fewer STDs.
Again, sorry, ladies.
321
00:13:51,613 --> 00:13:54,442
I'm not out
of control, okay?
322
00:13:54,485 --> 00:13:57,358
By the way,
can I borrow some money?
323
00:13:57,401 --> 00:14:00,274
I seem to have misplaced
all of my belongings.
324
00:14:00,317 --> 00:14:03,581
One of the warning signs
of being out of control
325
00:14:03,625 --> 00:14:06,628
is not knowing where
all of your belongings are.
326
00:14:06,671 --> 00:14:10,501
And the other sign
is not taking your
good friend seriously.
327
00:14:10,545 --> 00:14:11,851
Bye-bye.
328
00:14:16,029 --> 00:14:18,335
Well, it's too bad
your priest buddy
329
00:14:18,379 --> 00:14:20,163
didn't bring in
a minister and a rabbi
330
00:14:20,207 --> 00:14:23,166
so you could at least get
a joke out of this, huh?
331
00:14:26,082 --> 00:14:28,128
God, I love weddings.
332
00:14:28,171 --> 00:14:31,914
At first I thought you
had some sort of ulterior
motive for taking me.
333
00:14:31,958 --> 00:14:34,134
And then I thought
that's cynical
334
00:14:34,177 --> 00:14:35,875
and that's not who
I want to be.
335
00:14:35,918 --> 00:14:37,877
Yeah, cynicism
is a terrible trait.
336
00:14:39,139 --> 00:14:42,446
Look, I need you
to scam a priest.
337
00:14:42,490 --> 00:14:44,274
What?
338
00:14:44,318 --> 00:14:45,449
All you got to do
is act like
339
00:14:45,493 --> 00:14:47,538
he inspired you
at one of his sermons.
340
00:14:47,582 --> 00:14:48,844
I'm trying to get him
back into the priesthood.
341
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:51,716
Back?
What did you do?
342
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,937
Nothing. He's the one
who got drunk and had
sex with my ex.
343
00:14:54,981 --> 00:14:58,462
All I did was
set the whole thing up.
344
00:15:02,553 --> 00:15:04,294
I'm here.
What's the problem?
345
00:15:04,338 --> 00:15:05,730
Close the door.
346
00:15:05,774 --> 00:15:09,082
Some giant letters outside.
"Patrick times Lacey."
347
00:15:09,125 --> 00:15:10,953
It's supposed to say
"Patrick plus Lacey,"
348
00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:13,521
but the plus sign
keeps falling on its side.
349
00:15:13,564 --> 00:15:16,045
I need your help
blowing up this wedding.
350
00:15:16,089 --> 00:15:19,962
Easy, get caught having
sex with a white stranger.
351
00:15:20,006 --> 00:15:21,877
I stole Patrick's phone.
352
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:24,140
He has dirty pictures on here
of him and his boyfriend
353
00:15:24,184 --> 00:15:26,099
which are accidentally
gonna get sent to my parents,
354
00:15:26,142 --> 00:15:27,752
but he changed his password.
355
00:15:27,796 --> 00:15:30,103
- What was the old one?
- Garland.
356
00:15:30,146 --> 00:15:32,105
- As in Judy?
- Yeah.
357
00:15:32,148 --> 00:15:34,368
So I tried Streisand,
Minnelli, Manilow,
358
00:15:34,411 --> 00:15:36,457
Midler, and Cher.
359
00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:38,067
Did you try wreath?
360
00:15:38,111 --> 00:15:40,635
It's the straight
man's garland.
361
00:15:40,678 --> 00:15:42,985
You're such an idiot.
362
00:15:43,029 --> 00:15:45,466
[ gasps ]
It worked.
363
00:15:45,509 --> 00:15:46,946
I'm gonna marry Mahesh.
364
00:15:46,989 --> 00:15:50,427
I knew it.
I heard everything.
365
00:15:50,471 --> 00:15:52,864
You heard nothing.
366
00:15:52,908 --> 00:15:54,344
I knew you were gonna
try to cut me out
367
00:15:54,388 --> 00:15:57,391
the minute I saw
you checking out
that Indian guy
368
00:15:57,434 --> 00:16:01,264
and I told you you need
a mid heel with that dress.
369
00:16:01,308 --> 00:16:03,397
I want to be with Mahesh.
370
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,094
And I want to be
with ma money.
371
00:16:05,138 --> 00:16:06,574
Give me the phone.
372
00:16:06,617 --> 00:16:08,880
I press send
373
00:16:08,924 --> 00:16:10,317
and you don't
get a dime.
374
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,362
You do it and I tell
your family
375
00:16:12,406 --> 00:16:14,364
that I was a shill
in your swindle.
376
00:16:14,408 --> 00:16:16,366
- [ gasps ]
- Sean: Hmm.
377
00:16:16,410 --> 00:16:20,022
Looks like we got
ourselves quite the Canadian
standoff here.
378
00:16:20,066 --> 00:16:21,806
It's called
a Mexican standoff.
379
00:16:21,850 --> 00:16:23,460
You guys don't have guns.
380
00:16:23,504 --> 00:16:25,854
This ain't
"Reservoir Dogs," people.
381
00:16:27,421 --> 00:16:29,510
Padre.
382
00:16:29,553 --> 00:16:30,902
How's the old cabeza
holding up?
383
00:16:30,946 --> 00:16:32,513
A little rough.
384
00:16:32,556 --> 00:16:35,690
I always have to remind myself
not to mix beer and whiskey.
385
00:16:35,733 --> 00:16:38,519
And vodka.
And wine.
386
00:16:38,562 --> 00:16:40,347
And then beer
one more time.
387
00:16:41,870 --> 00:16:43,393
And who is this
lovely lady?
388
00:16:43,437 --> 00:16:45,700
Oh, I'm sorry.
This is my business
colleague Jordan.
389
00:16:45,743 --> 00:16:48,355
Oh, my God.
Father Alvarez.
390
00:16:48,398 --> 00:16:50,922
You're the priest
at my church.
391
00:16:50,966 --> 00:16:53,751
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You go to his church?
392
00:16:53,795 --> 00:16:55,405
Yes.
393
00:16:55,449 --> 00:16:58,452
A couple of months ago,
I was in the middle
of a crisis.
394
00:16:58,495 --> 00:17:01,542
Your sermon
changed my life.
395
00:17:01,585 --> 00:17:03,109
True story.
396
00:17:03,152 --> 00:17:04,588
When I met her,
she was a Dumpster-diving
397
00:17:04,632 --> 00:17:07,200
alcoholic prostitute that
slept with homeless dudes.
398
00:17:09,158 --> 00:17:12,161
Yes. Yes, I was.
399
00:17:13,293 --> 00:17:16,731
I fornicated
with the homeless.
400
00:17:16,774 --> 00:17:19,777
That's amazing.
Which sermon was that?
401
00:17:19,821 --> 00:17:22,302
Oh, you know,
it was the one about
402
00:17:22,345 --> 00:17:25,131
keeping the faith
and God and stuff.
403
00:17:25,174 --> 00:17:28,525
So I provided you
with a profound religious
experience?
404
00:17:28,569 --> 00:17:30,571
Oh, yeah.
405
00:17:30,614 --> 00:17:34,053
Which is a clear sign
that you were meant
to be a priest.
406
00:17:34,096 --> 00:17:36,968
No. It's a sign
I want to hang
407
00:17:37,012 --> 00:17:39,493
with this hot
chica caliente.
408
00:17:42,017 --> 00:17:44,933
If you want a real
religious experience,
409
00:17:44,976 --> 00:17:47,457
catch me
after the wedding.
410
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:52,984
If you tell my parents
we were tricking them,
411
00:17:53,028 --> 00:17:54,856
you lose everything, too.
412
00:17:54,899 --> 00:17:57,685
Hey, I don't mind going
down if I take you with me.
413
00:17:57,728 --> 00:17:59,730
Patrick, please.
414
00:17:59,774 --> 00:18:01,123
Don't you want me
to be happy?
415
00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:04,039
Mahesh is my true love
and soul mate.
416
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:06,476
What else you got?
417
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:09,175
I'll steal a bunch of money
from him and give it to you.
418
00:18:09,218 --> 00:18:11,046
300,000.
419
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:13,483
But I love this man.
420
00:18:13,527 --> 00:18:15,355
275.
421
00:18:15,398 --> 00:18:18,140
I'm sorry,
the wedding is off.
422
00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:22,057
I just remembered
I'm gay.
423
00:18:24,059 --> 00:18:25,408
What?!
424
00:18:25,452 --> 00:18:28,672
I have spent $100,000
on this wedding.
425
00:18:28,716 --> 00:18:33,024
That "Patrick times Lacey"
sign cost me $5,000 alone.
426
00:18:33,068 --> 00:18:36,332
I am terribly sorry
for everything, sir.
427
00:18:36,376 --> 00:18:39,030
Can I have that giant
letter P for my apartment?
428
00:18:39,074 --> 00:18:40,858
I'm looking
to fill a wall.
429
00:18:41,990 --> 00:18:44,297
I'll pick up a poster.
It's fine.
430
00:18:46,212 --> 00:18:49,824
Oh, Mahesh, my wedding
is called off.
431
00:18:49,867 --> 00:18:52,131
I'm a heartbroken victim.
Hold me.
432
00:18:52,174 --> 00:18:55,612
Lacey, I'm so sorry.
433
00:18:55,656 --> 00:18:58,049
I should have followed
my heart in the first place.
434
00:18:58,093 --> 00:19:01,879
From the minute I met you,
I knew it was you
I always loved.
435
00:19:03,229 --> 00:19:04,752
I never knew.
436
00:19:04,795 --> 00:19:08,059
Hey, we have
a Hindu priest here.
437
00:19:08,103 --> 00:19:10,149
- We can get
married right now.
- What?
438
00:19:10,192 --> 00:19:12,847
Our families already
wanted to arrange this.
439
00:19:12,890 --> 00:19:14,892
What do you think,
Money Bear?
440
00:19:14,936 --> 00:19:16,677
Money Bear?
441
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:19,419
I mean, Honey Bear.
442
00:19:19,462 --> 00:19:21,029
But your wedding
just fell apart.
443
00:19:21,072 --> 00:19:22,726
You must be devastated.
444
00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:25,076
Look, you and I
have something special.
445
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:26,339
Let's make it official.
446
00:19:26,382 --> 00:19:28,732
My God, it's too soon.
447
00:19:28,776 --> 00:19:30,691
Why the hell not?!
448
00:19:30,734 --> 00:19:32,649
Do you know what
I've been through?
449
00:19:32,693 --> 00:19:34,521
When am I gonna
get what I want?!
450
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:40,004
I want to get married
to you and we are gonna
do it today.
451
00:19:40,048 --> 00:19:42,093
Okay.
452
00:19:46,097 --> 00:19:48,491
So I'm gonna give
you some time alone.
453
00:19:52,452 --> 00:19:54,584
And let's never
talk again.
454
00:19:58,109 --> 00:20:00,199
Well, you're obviously
not the man
455
00:20:00,242 --> 00:20:03,114
that I made up in my head
that I thought I knew!
456
00:20:03,158 --> 00:20:05,029
Hey, Todd.
457
00:20:05,073 --> 00:20:07,249
Does your dad still own
that trucking company?
458
00:20:07,293 --> 00:20:10,209
Yes? Okay.
Do you want to
get married?
459
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:15,301
You see, Charlie?
460
00:20:15,344 --> 00:20:18,217
God sprinkled
disaster all around me.
461
00:20:18,260 --> 00:20:21,481
He really doesn't want
me to do this anymore.
462
00:20:21,524 --> 00:20:24,092
Well, maybe that wasn't
Jesus in your tortilla.
463
00:20:24,135 --> 00:20:26,399
Maybe it was
Zach Galifianakis.
464
00:20:26,442 --> 00:20:28,618
I mean, that guy's
in everything these days.
465
00:20:28,662 --> 00:20:30,272
Come on, let's go
get a real drink.
466
00:20:33,580 --> 00:20:35,582
Oh, I'm sorry.
467
00:20:36,539 --> 00:20:39,150
You're forgiven.
468
00:20:42,589 --> 00:20:44,460
Did you see that guy?
469
00:20:44,504 --> 00:20:46,549
It was a sign, Charlie.
470
00:20:46,593 --> 00:20:49,987
It was Christ
carrying the cross.
And he forgave me.
471
00:20:50,031 --> 00:20:52,076
No. Really?
You sure?
472
00:20:53,513 --> 00:20:54,949
I can still make
evening services
473
00:20:54,992 --> 00:20:56,603
if I really haul ass.
474
00:20:58,300 --> 00:21:01,782
Hey, drop by church
sometime, my friend.
475
00:21:03,131 --> 00:21:05,525
Yeah, not gonna happen.
476
00:21:07,178 --> 00:21:08,963
All right, pal.
I got your 20 bucks.
477
00:21:09,006 --> 00:21:12,532
Thanks. I only made
10 for loading a P
into some guy's car.
478
00:21:12,575 --> 00:21:14,621
Well, try and forgive him.
479
00:21:14,664 --> 00:21:17,363
He just lost
a half million dollars.
35790
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