Original subtitles

Thanks for inviting me to your Super Bowl party, Charlie.

I haven't been to one of these since...

last year around this time.

I remember having this conversation about a year ago.

And I'm thinking we're gonna have it again in...

about a year.

I hope so.

Come on, 35!

- No! - Go! Go! Go!

- No! No! No! - Come on! Come on!

- No! - All right! Yeah!

See, I told you the new Camry got over 35 miles a gallon.

Pay up, Lacey.

Charlie, do we really have to pay up on bets about commercials?

Yes. This is a great time to learn how to lose without getting angry.

- Ugh. - So don't get angry, but give me my 20 bucks.

Hey, everybody.

This is my friend Molly from Iowa.

Molly, this is my anger management group.

- Hi. - Yes, I win!

What? What'd you bet?

I don't know. I lost track.

- I'm gonna go get us something to drink. - Okay.

- Hi, Molly. I'm Charlie. - Hi, Charlie.

Hi. There's pizza and beer and don't be surprised

if you say something and everyone exchanges money.

Oh, is that an LA thing?

No, it's a crazy person thing.

Are you being nice, Charlie?

It's Molly's first time in LA.

Yeah, and it's really cool.

There are famous people everywhere.

We saw Jay-Z waiting at baggage claim.

Oh, and we saw Chris Kattan working at a Radio Shack.

Hey, Charlie. You got any beer?

Ed, there's a bucket full right in front of you.

That's all Mexican beer. You know what their water is like down there.

I'd rather drink beer

made from the Shamu tank at Sea World.

Shamu beer coming right up. Excuse me.

Hi, I'm Sean.

I'm not from here, either.

I'm from next door.

Hello, Sean from next door.

Just so you know,

I am crazy mysterious.

Well, what makes you mysterious?

[ chuckles ]

Dude, Molly, pfft. Wow.

I know. I know. She's got that whole

farm-fresh Iowa thing going on.

Not that we're betting on it or anything,

but would you guys let us know

which one of you sleeps with that girl first?

That's not gonna happen.

Come on, she's Patrick's friend.

Yeah, but could you let us know?

We got 20 bucks on it.

That's appalling and degrading to everyone involved.

And obviously it would be me.

Listen, little man,

when I turn on the charm,

this contest is over in, like, two seconds.

First, "little man," that's not cool.

And second, Molly was giving me the vibe.

I think you're confusing the vibe with the pity.

Well, I have a 50-year-old bottle of single malt that says otherwise.

You're on.

I think Charlie's got this.

I don't know. Little man's got spunk.

I can hear you. I'm right here.

[ theme music playing ]

All right, the bet is

can Patrick make Ed cry in 20 seconds?

On your marks, get set, go!

♪ Oh, Danny boy

♪ The pipes, the pipes are calling ♪

♪ From glen to glen

♪ And down the mountainside ♪

♪ The summer's gone

♪ And all the roses falling ♪

♪ 'Tis you, 'tis you

♪ Must go and I must bide. ♪

[ whispers ] By 2043,

whites will be the minority.

[ sobbing ]

Damn you.

That gets me every time.

Patrick, you have a beautiful voice.

I know. Can you believe it?

Were you trained?

No, my mother just withheld food and affection

till I hit all the right notes.

Well, I agreed to participate

in the Alcoholics Anonymous talent show.

And you want me to come. Is there a two-drink minimum?

[ laughs ] I kid, of course.

I want you to sing with me.

You don't have to do much, just back me up.

I don't know.

Please, Patrick. I don't want to be up there alone.

This will be my first sober performance in--

well, I've been performing drunk since I was 12.

I appreciate you asking me,

but I don't know about performing.

I have a very fragile ego and-- okay.

So, Molly. How long you in town for?

Yeah, how long?

Through Tuesday. Through Tuesday.

Patrick's letting me stay at his place,

but I promised I wouldn't drag him around to all the touristy things.

Hey, you can drag me around.

Charlie, I just got a text from the neighbors.

Your dad just passed out on the front lawn.

- Oh, my God. - I'm sure they're mistaken.

It happens all the time.

There are parts of my lawn that look just like an old man.

Wow.

Can you believe he's not gonna check and make sure his dad's okay?

What does that say about this guy?

Damn you.

So what are you doing tomorrow?

Actually, I was lucky enough to score two tickets

to the Taste of the Congo at Griffith Park.

I've been dying to go to that.

I love the Congo.

Do you want to go with me?

Yes, I'd love to.

False alarm. Not my dad.

Just a pile of leaves. Told you.

Guess what Molly and I are doing tomorrow.

Going to Taste of the Congo.

Mm-hmm. He loves the Congo.

Oh, I know. I know.

Sean, tell me something about the Congo.

Anything.

I can sum it up in one word-- delicious.

We are gonna have so much fun tomorrow.

- Aren't we, Molly? - Yeah, I wish you could go, too, Charlie.

But I only have two tickets.

We're really gonna miss you.

Looks like this bet's over before it even started.

Oh, it is far from over.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my dad really is passed out on the front lawn.

How lucky are we that you were driving by Taste of the Congo

right when we realized we had a flat tire?

I know. What a coincidence.

I was in the neighborhood visiting a buddy who has a gambling problem.

He makes bets he has no chance of winning.

Boy, how about that tire, huh? What are the chances

that I'd run over four nails all at the same time?

It's almost as if someone hammered them in.

Maybe you should pay closer attention to the road.

You know, you don't have to text prostitutes back right away.

They'll wait.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

He can't afford prostitutes.

So, how was the food?

Oh, I'm a vegetarian.

But this guy went a little crazy.

Can't believe how much gazelle stew he put away.

Seriously, you're driving like my grandmother.

Could you hurry up a little bit?

You're sweating back there. What's the matter?

Someone taste a little too much of the Congo?

Cast-iron stomach,

Charlie, okay?

Seriously, though, could you turn on the AC

or crack a window or something?

I heard gazelle moves through you as fast as,

well, you know, a gazelle.

Look, could you pull over if you see a restroom?

Why?

I'd like to wash my hands, okay?

Oh, yeah, they must be covered in grease

from the dung beetle poppers.

That's it.

That was a gas station. That was a gas station.

Oh, oh, oh.

I'd pull over, but I saw it too late.

And I'd turn around, but I'm going that way.

[ exhales ] Pull over.

- Pull over. - What?

- Could you pull over, please? - Fine.

Oh, I feel really bad for him.

I think he ate some of that exotic stuff just to show off.

Well, he's very insecure and somewhat sickly.

It's kind of sad.

But enough about him. What are you doing tomorrow?

Um, what do you have in mind?

There's a cool little spot I'd like to take you to.

It's where all the movie stars had their great love affairs.

Oh, my God. That sounds amazing.

Well, great. Great. But don't tell Sean.

He'll be sick for a few days

and he'll have a tantrum if he feels like he's missing something.

You do not want to see this guy pull his wig off.

That's so nice of you. You're such a good friend.

Well, thanks.

Ooh, okay. [ laughs ]

Sorry. I am ready to go.

Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

I'm thinking we could do a duet from "Wicked."

Or maybe Gershwin. Do you like Gershwin?

I was thinking we could do an original Denby.

Oh, you wrote a song.

Straight from the heart.

Those are always the best ones.

Oh, and now you're putting on a guitar.

So I guess I'm gonna hear it.

It's called "Jose Mi Amor."

- Oh, so it's sort of a Spanish-- - [ strums ]

♪ I've had Jose in my bed ♪

♪ I've had Jose in my car ♪

♪ I've had Jose in the woods ♪

♪ And underneath the stars ♪

♪ I've had Jose in my mouth ♪

♪ Jose on my face

♪ Woke up with Jose

♪ All over the place

♪ Jose Cuervo...

Oh, thank God.

♪ Jose Cuervo

♪ I drank too much

♪ Jose Cuervo.

So what do you think?

What should we do?

Look, Patrick, I know that it's a little intense,

but if you were an alcoholic, you would understand.

Jordan, if I have to hear that again,

I'm gonna become an alcoholic.

I need you onstage. Are you in or you out?

- I'm in. - Thanks.

- Okay, let's give it a try. - Great.

Where are you going?

I just want to hear what it sounds like from--

Oh, God, I love old Hollywood stories.

Oh, yeah? Well, that table

is where Richard Burton proposed to Liz Taylor for the first time.

And that table was the second time.

This table was the third.

God, they had so much passion.

Do you know once they stayed here for an entire week

in bungalow five and never left the room?

I'd love to see the inside of that room.

How funny.

I happen to have the key right here.

I thought we could go there for some dessert and champagne

and sit on the patio.

- Sounds like fun. - Excellent.

Hey, guys.

- Sean. - What are you doing in this cheesy dump?

[ laughs ] The only people who come here

are old people that want a Cobb salad before they die.

Then what are you doing here?

Picking up a Cobb salad for my great-aunt Jane.

- She's on life support. - [ phone dings ]

Oh, text message.

Uh-oh.

Guess I'm free for the day.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

Why don't you spend the day with us?

We can get out of here and see the city.

It'll take your mind off your aunt.

That would probably be really good for me.

I mean, I don't want to--

is that okay with you, Charlie? I don't want to impose.

Of course it's okay. Come here.

- Give me a hug. - Okay. All right.

How did you find me?

I left my iPhone in the back seat of your truck last night

and I tracked it with Find My iPhone.

10 bucks, the valet let me in your car.

- That's really smart. - Thank you.

You guys are very close, aren't you?

We are. I mean, I don't know what I would do without this guy.

I know what I would have done.

I'm so nervous. And it doesn't help

that Walter Lordsly is right in the front row.

Walter Lordsly?

The most important producer on Broadway is here?

- Yeah, he's an alcoholic. - What?

The guy who produced "Leaving Las Vegas the Musical" is an alc--

of course he's an alcoholic.

Coming up next, Jordan D. will sing an original song.

Jordan D., come on up.

[ applause ]

I'm Jordan D. and I'm an alcoholic.

All: Hi, Jordan.

And this is my friend who will be singing backup with me.

Hi, I'm Patrick.

And I am a chocoholic.

[ laughs ]

Take it away, Jordan.

[ strums ]

♪ I've had Jose in my bed ♪

♪ Jose in my bed

♪ I've had Jose in the car ♪

♪ Jose in my car

♪ Beep, beep, beep, beep, ooh ♪

♪ I've had Jose in the woods ♪

- ♪ In the woods - ♪ And underneath

- ♪ The stars - ♪ Stars

[ holds note ]

♪ I've had Jose in my mouth ♪

♪ I've had Jose in my mouth... ♪

♪ Jose on my face... ♪

♪ I've had Jose on my face... ♪

♪ Dripping down my white skin ♪

♪ Dripping off my chin

♪ I've had Jose

♪ Jose

♪ Jose

♪ Jose

♪ Oh...

Uh, thank you.

You can please visit Patricksings4U.com.

It'll be up online tomorrow.

- Hey. - [ microphone squeals ]

Oh, what an unbelievable day.

Santa Monica Pier, the tar pits,

the wax museum,

then back to the tar pits because I forgot my purse.

Putting our hands in every single

celebrity handprint at the Chinese Theatre.

I should probably get going.

You want to come back to my place and have a drink?

Or you could have a drink here. You're already here.

Seems like it would be silly to leave.

I think I'm feeling a little bit tired from the day.

But tomorrow we can walk down Rodeo Drive and go window-shopping.

Or would you hate that?

Are you kidding? I love it.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I do it all the time.

You guys are the best.

I'm gonna go use the restroom.

This is torture.

Okay, I'm a little ashamed to say this.

I'm starting to think there are some things

that I just will not do for sex.

I wasted this much time and energy

not getting laid since summer camp.

What do you say? We call this bet off, yeah?

No, no, no. I've got my eye on a little summer dress

at the American Girl store. Yes, we should call off this bet!

Deal.

[ sighs ] Deal.

Hey.

Am I interrupting something?

- No, no, no. Everything's fine. - All good.

Listen, I know I said I was tired,

but I think I'm just a little bit nervous

because I have a feeling I know what's going on here.

I mean, you're both interested, right?

I'm interested. So let's do this.

Do... what?

I like you both and I feel like I have to choose,

but I really don't want to.

So let's go have some fun, the three of us.

Did Miss Congeniality just invite us upstairs to double-team her?

I think so.

I'll tell you what. Apparently, Iowa's got a lot more going on

than just corn.

So are we going to...

do this?

You mean the London Bridge?

The push me, pull you?

The two hot dogs on a bun?

That's not really making it any better.

Well, of course we're not going to do this.

So I'm just gonna go up there and tell her to go home.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

Listen, I'll do it, okay?

No, no, no, no. This is my home.

I should be the one that goes and tells her.

Wait.

We never shook hands when we called off the bet, did we?

- No. - Are you kidding me?

Hey, you.

Why are you locking Sean out?

Oh, it's just a little role-playing game we like to play.

Sean: Don't do it, Molly!

I have sex with our partner and then when I'm finished,

he comes in as the angry husband

and acts like he just lost a bet.

[ pounding ]

Open the door!

And that's our cue to start having sex.

[ pounding ]

I hate you!

[ pounding stops ]

See?

Now he goes away all dejected.

The man is a master at this.

So you've done this enough times

that you actually have a routine?

Yes, we have.

Mmm, Charlie, no, no.

You don't have to kiss me.

Wow, want to get right down to business. You got it.

No, no.

I think the person you really want to kiss

is Sean.

[ laughing ]

Sean.

Oh, you're serious.

I saw the way you hugged him when you found out his aunt died.

And I saw you guys almost holding hands downstairs earlier.

And I've never seen two guys more excited about going window-shopping.

I am not gay.

And even if I was, Sean would be way too old for me.

It just seems to me

that you would do anything to be together.

I'm telling you, this is just your imagination.

[ panting ]

Molly, do not sleep with him.

I get it, he's yours.

All right, so does anyone have anything else they'd like to discuss?

That friend of yours go back to Iowa?

I was wondering if she got sick

like all those other people did at the Taste of the Congo.

Yeah, there was so much E. coli there,

the E. coli people should have had their own booth.

No, Molly is fine. She went back this morning.

She had a really nice time. She met a couple guys she liked.

Really? Did she mention if she liked one more than the other?

No, she didn't say. All I know is

that both of them turned out to be gay.

You know, she might be wrong.

Sometimes a guy can be so comfortable in his masculinity

that he just appears to be gay.

You might be right.

Molly always thinks everyone's gay.

I know, right? I mean, hmm, interesting.

She has the worst gaydar of anyone I know.

So did you and Sean have sex?