Original subtitles

I say we give Charlie five more minutes

and then we go the hell home.

Well, we might as well do something constructive while we're waiting.

I'm cleaning out my purse.

Hey, you dropped something.

[ vibrating ]

Why do you have this little vibrating lipstick?

[ lipstick rattling ]

Because her big, black lipstick is at home.

Oh, hey, guys.

Sorry I'm late.

My golf cart doesn't go over 20.

You drove home in a golf cart?

I finished a round with some friends I met last night

and afterwards, we stopped at the clubhouse to get a couple of drinks.

And when I say, "a couple of drinks,"

I don't mean three drinks, I don't mean five drinks,

I mean four.

I can't believe you drove drunk.

Oh, I didn't. I met a couple of gals who were nice enough

to give me a ride home in their golf cart.

What happened to your car?

What happened to your car?

It's in the driveway.

Well, great. When we're done, maybe you can give me

a ride back to the golf course and I can look for my car.

Hey. What the hell's going on?

I thought we were taking the girls to breakfast?

They're out there waiting in the cart.

I got group.

You said you were coming in here to use the bathroom.

Well, I was till I realized I got group.

Hey, Lacey.

Gross.

Okay, you know what? I cheated on you, I made a mistake,

and I'm not that guy anymore.

I'm going to borrow your hose.

The girls and I are going to shoot a little video in your driveway.

All right, who wants to lead off?

Come on, people, give me your anger.

Well, I had one thing happen to me yesterday,

but it'll be easier for me

to explain if I tell you what happened the day before.

But to set that up,

let me tell you what happened the day before that.

Oh, my God! Make it stop.

Charlie?

Damn. What the hell is wrong with that boy?

That's two sessions in a row.

Obviously, Charlie's just checked out,

so I'm leaving.

[ water running ]

- Woman: Oh, that's cold. - Sean: I know, right?

Let's go out the back.

[ theme music playing ]

- Hey, Jo-Jo. - It's Jordan.

I know.

You're early.

I won't be ready with my snappy comebacks for another hour,

Hawaiian shirt guy. See, I'm not ready.

My group walked out on me in the middle of a session, can you believe that?

- What happened? - I don't know, I was asleep.

You know what? I'm done talking.

I am way too busy reviewing couples having sex for our study

to let your personal life intrude with my work.

Holy crap.

Is that you having sex

with one of our research subjects?

Of course not.

That would be a complete violation to our study.

It is! It's you!

There's your face! Wait, it's gone.

There it is! Wait, gone.

Th-- there! Gone.

That's impossible.

I never had sex with anybody here.

Oh, crap. The camera was on?

What were you thinking? They could have us shut down.

I felt sorry for her.

She was in a bad marriage for years and she never had an orgasm.

So you were performing an act of kindness?

Technically, it was four acts of kindness.

Aren't you worried that her husband

is going to find you and kill you?

Should I be worried?

'Cause I wasn't.

And according to her, he never finishes anything.

You are completely out of control and headed for a cliff.

You could have jeopardized our entire study

- for five minutes of... - [ video fast-forwarding ]

...10 minutes of...

20 minutes of... who are you?

Just fast-forward to the end.

It's like an hour and a half long.

Oh, God.

He's in really bad shape.

Yeah, but it looks like he created a really cool sport.

Charlie? Charlie.

[ yells ] I gave her the orgasm you never could.

You sure did take a lot of equipment to do it.

It's just us, Charlie. Take it easy.

Oh, sorry, guys.

I was expecting somebody else.

But, hey, you're all here, let's get started.

It's 8:00 in the morning, Charlie.

We're not here for group, we're here because we're worried about you.

Yeah, you're acting like a completely different person.

And I can't just stand by

and do nothing like I'm at work or something.

This is tough love, Charlie.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- What the hell are you guys doing? - Nothing.

We just came over to share our feelings

about what's going on with you.

And then drag you to UCLA

for a psychiatric evaluation.

Guys, guys, you're worried for nothing.

Everything is perfectly normal.

[ cat meows ]

Oh, hey, when did I buy a cat?

We've all written a little something down

to express how we feel.

I'll start.

"Charlie, I've always trusted you as a therapist,

but lately, you've been drinking and irresponsible and letting me down.

Since you won't help yourself,

you've forced us to help you."

- I thought you were going to cry there. - Yeah, I didn't feel it

and I wasn't going to push it. Nolan.

I'm going to make this real easy.

You get in my car and I'm going to drive you

to the loony bin and get you zip-zapped.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I could use some help.

Let me just get a cup of coffee

and then we'll go.

Great.

Aren't you cute stumbling down here in your little pajamas?

Are you lost? Do you want me to call your mama for you?

Would you pour me a Bloody Mary, please?

Precocious little fella, aren't you?

If anybody calls looking for me, I'm not here.

And if a bounty hunter named Snake calls,

same for me.

Uh, your credit card was declined.

What?!

Damn it, I just made a payment.

I'll tell you what, as soon as I get someone on the phone,

I am going to rip them a new one.

[ phone rings ]

Woman: Thank you for calling Sun Valley Savings and Loan.

Your call is very important to us. Good-bye.

[ dial tone ]

Make it to go.

You guys, he's not coming back.

I told you this was a dumb idea.

There's only one thing to do--

see if he has some kind of journal or diary.

What would we want with his diary?

To protect it

from nosey people who might want to read it...

and silently judge him.

Look, our friend Charlie

is out there somewhere hurting.

He probably needs our help.

But since we don't have time for that,

I say we dump him.

Yeah, he's gone bat-crap crazy.

Wait a second. We got to give him another chance, you guys.

He's our dad.

I mean, I don't want to talk anymore.

Let's take a vote.

Everybody who wants to find another therapist, raise your hand.

No, wait. This should be a secret ballot.

She's right.

Everyone close their eyes.

All right,

anyone who thinks we should find another therapist,

raise your hand.

Wait a minute. Something's wrong here.

- Can I help you, sir? - Hang on a second.

I want you to say,

"Your call is very important to us."

Uh... "Your call is very important to us."

All right, you're cool.

Anyway,

my credit card was declined and I'd like to know why.

I'm sorry, sir.

It appears there were some suspicious purchases.

Two cases of vodka.

Mine.

Charges were made simultaneously

at two different strip clubs on opposite sides of town.

It wasn't easy, but I did it.

And a $1,200 watch

was purchased from Beverly Hills Jewelers.

Okay, okay, okay. That was not me!

I haven't been in Beverly Hills since--

Oh, hey, wow. Look at this thing.

[ sighs ]

Anyway, any other charges I should know about?

No, but if you'll show me your ID,

we can reactivate your card right away

and you're not responsible for anything

but the five-dollar teller charge.

Teller charge?

Yes, there's a five-dollar charge

for speaking to a live teller.

What? You're kidding me.

I believe the bank sent a letter to every customer.

The bank sent me a letter?

Well, how rude of me not to respond.

You know what?

I'm going to write you a letter right now.

"I want five dollars."

Sir, are you robbing the bank?

No. No, this bank is robbing me!

Hear that, everybody?

This bank is robbing all of us.

Five dollars at a time for speaking to a human being.

What's next, an ATM fee?

Uh, sir, there is an ATM fee.

And it's begun.

Sir, would you please calm down?

Don't tell me to calm down.

I'm a licensed anger management therapist.

I'll tell you when to calm down.

You're disturbing the other customers.

Also, you're required to wear pants in the bank.

Oh, yeah? Really?

What about this lady in the sundress?

Is she required to wear pants?

No, sir.

It's just that pajama bottoms are not pants.

Real pants are something you don't sleep in.

You, sir, do not know how I live.

I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Those are pajamas, they're not pants.

These are pants!

Do you want to see no pants? Fine!

This is no pants!

I could have sworn I was wearing underwear.

Sorry I'm late, guys.

I had to go home and change.

I spent last night in jail.

That's right. The pokey.

The slammer. The hoosegow.

Oh, big deal. I had a pokey slammed

into my hoosegow this morning.

How'd you get in trouble, Charlie?

I was protesting an injustice at my bank.

That's what I did, too.

I protested an injustice

at a bunch of banks.

Well, mine was a legitimate protest.

And luckily, they let me bail myself out with my credit card.

Oh, I didn't know you could do that.

So can you bail yourself out

with somebody's credit card who you killed?

Wayne, I don't think bail is ever going to be an issue for you.

Anyway, I'm in a bad situation.

The bank dropped the charges, but I might lose my therapy license.

Damn.

Turns out, the APA frowns on therapists

who expose themselves in places where people bank.

All that time in college, nobody said a word.

Is there anything we can do to help?

Well, I do have to go before the ethics board

and I could really use you guys as character witnesses.

I look forward to testifying for you, Charlie.

I get a lot out of these sessions.

However, I do feel compelled to tell you

that I will be escaping afterwards

and settling some scores.

Okay.

Ernesto, maybe you could speak to the board on my behalf.

[ chuckles ] I'll tell the truth, Charlie.

And if any of them look at you funny,

I'll slit their throats.

Okay.

I just realized I've only got one spot...

and it's Cleo.

Oh, goodie, goodie, goodie, goodie, goodie.

Oh, there's just one question.

Charlie, can the men who escort me out of prison

be small, weak men who are slow runners?

Cleo, you can't escape.

Oh, who said anything about escaping, honey?

How did the four of you end up coming to see me?

Well, first we went to see Dr. Goldfarb

and then Dr. Blitzstein

and then some Dr. Jewsenheimer or something.

Excuse him, Dr. Russell.

Ed has certain old-fashioned ideas.

And by that, I mean he's a huge bigot.

That's interesting. We'll get back to that.

And by the way, Ed, it's "Jewsenhemer." He's a colleague.

See, I wasn't being a bigot.

I told you Jews have funny names.

Not Chinese funny, but funny.

He always does that and he's constantly attacking me.

Oh, I never attack him.

He's just sensitive because he's more woman than man.

I think you two need to do a soul stare

in the resolution circle.

Pardon me?

Stand up, face each other,

hold hands, stare into each other's eyes,

and apologize with your eyes.

It's been nice knowing you.

Do it.

I now pronounce you man and disgusting old man.

This is ridiculous.

Charlie would have never made us do anything this uncomfortable.

Yeah, so whatever you do,

don't make me lay on top of Lacey or anything.

I think we need to do a soul stare in the resolution shower.

What is wrong with you people?

Well, if you can't figure that out, then why are we paying you?

Let's go, everybody.

I guess this is not working out, Dr. "Russellstein."

- It's just Dr. Russell. - That may be the problem.

- Oh, hey, Jordan. - Oh, don't "Oh, hey, Jordan" me.

You need me to testify on your behalf before the ethics committee

and you leave me a voice mail an hour before it's happening.

You're a psychopath.

Okay, but let's not lead with that.

I'm not doing this. I'm no good unless I'm prepared.

Fine, then just sit here.

It'll look good that somebody came to support me.

Hello, Mr. Goodson. I'm Dr. Richter.

And these are Drs. Everett and Jewsenheimer.

"Hemer."

Sorry.

Are you ready to begin?

Yes, we are.

This is Dr. Jordan Denby here to speak on my behalf.

And go.

Hello.

Someone once told me that when speaking to a group to start with a joke.

So how many psychologists

does it take to change a lightbulb?

One...

but the lightbulb has to really want to change.

Oh, dear God.

Keep going. You're doing great.

Hello again.

I haven't worked with Charlie very long,

but I did get to know him pretty well when he locked me in a room.

I know that sounds terrible,

but in his defense, he had got me drunk.

[ laughs ] Because I was upset

that he forced me to watch people having sex.

You can stop now, you're doing terrible.

Thank you.

I'm here.

Hey, guys.

They look fun.

I'd like to introduce Dr. Sean Healy...

as a character reference.

Uh, hi. Charlie's my neighbor.

I've known him a long time.

A great guy.

Exactly how long have you known him?

Well, I've been living next door to him for

almost two...

weeks now.

But I've been having sex with his ex-wife for almost a year.

Uh, that kind of blew up,

uh, after I lost my job

and ended up having sex with someone from his group.

But now I run a pretty--

pretty successful

string of strip clubs.

So...

Great guy.

Hi.

Do you have anyone else, Mr. Goodson?

Nope. Those were the highlights.

So, Mr. Goodson, we need to assess whether your conduct

has damaged your ability

to be a viable provider of mental health care.

You need to start crying.

What? I'm not crying.

It's how girls get out of things.

I'm not a girl.

It's your only chance.

- I'm not doing it. - Fine, your funeral.

Mr. Goodson, you may want to take advantage

of this opportunity to speak on your own behalf.

[ sighs ]

Thank you.

So I pulled my pants down at a bank,

but haven't you all been so frustrated with needless bureaucracy

that you wanted to pull your pants down at a bank?

Of course you have, but you needed a guy like me to do it first.

Don't you see?

I didn't just pull my pants down,

I pulled all our pants down.

- Hey, Charlie. - You guys came!

Yeah, we're here to speak on behalf

of our therapist, Charlie Goodson.

Hey, ethics people.

Guys, I cannot tell you how much this means to me

and, trust me, if I'm still your therapist by tomorrow,

I promise to clean up my act around all you guys.

Don't worry, Charlie, we got this.

Sorry, Charlie, I thought for sure we had it.

Well, you tried.

Though it doesn't help an anger management therapist

when his patient's launch into a screaming slap fight

to decide who's going to defend him first.

Yeah, you're right.

Lacey, I'm sorry I pointed at you in anger.

Thanks, Ed.

I'm sorry I bit your finger.

Charlie, can I talk to you for a minute in private?

Actually, anything that you say to me,

you can say in front of them.

They are no longer my group, they are my friends.

I'm his friend.

I'm such a better friend to him than you.

Okay, I know I let you down,

so I went to the board afterwards

and I got you disciplinary probation.

You get to keep your license.

[ cheers ]

What-- what? How?

Did you learn a new joke?

Nope.

I said all these amazing things about you,

and when that didn't do it, I cried.

Works every time.

- Well, I guess I should go. - No, wait, wait, wait.

Jordan, you're a good person

and I haven't been fair to you.

So I thought now would be a good time to thank you for all that you did for me.

That is so sweet.

But I'm not going to

because you'll get psychotically overemotional

and cause a huge scene.

You're probably right.

- I'm your therapist again. - [ cheers ]

But-- but-- but this is not going to be on their terms,

it's going to be on mine.

We're going to get rid of the old, dead methods

and do things differently.

What the hell does that mean?

It means that we're going to start by

having today's session at the horse track.

Why the hell would we go there?

What better place to learn the ups and downs of life?

Plus, they got beer and hot dogs. Let's go.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What if somebody

from the ethics board stops by to check on you?

Who cares? We're not going to be here.