Original subtitles

Oh, I agree. The top is the best part.

I don't even know why they make the rest of the muffin.

'Cause of this.

You need something to hold the donut.

Okay, I'm gonna make a professional assessment.

Eating, depression, not getting laid.

- It's been three months. - Three months?

I didn't know it was possible to go that long.

You're like some kind of a sex camel.

Well, without the humps.

Can't you meet any girls at work?

It's impossible to meet women when you're in real estate.

You know who comes to open houses?

Couples.

You know who doesn't come to open houses?

Drunk women with low self-esteem who can't find their cars.

That question would be who are my favorite people.

We still going out tonight or what?

Yes, and Michael is coming with us.

We got to get this guy laid.

You think I havethat kind of money on me?

Oh, come on. He's gone three months without sex.

[ sighs ]Okay, you're not gonnabail on me, though, right?

- Dude, why would I bail? - [ phone chimes ]

Sorry, I got to bail.

Come on. I don't want to hang out with this guy by myself.

He's eating muffin sandwiches. Look at him.

That's not fair. I'm in pain.

Look, I am sorry, but I've been trying

to hang out with this girl for months.

She's only in town for one night.

What, is she a flight attendant?

A drifter?

Uh, she's an Oakland Raiders cheerleader.

So a little of both.

- Hey, guys. - You're late again.

You guys are on time again. Should have learned by now.

Charlie, Ed's picking on me.Make him stop.

This genius went to the DMV

to file for unemployment.

They're both government agencies.

They're different things.

One is driving, the other is money.

Well, shoes and makeup are two different things, too,

but I can get them both at Saks.

Why can't everything be like Saks?

I'm happy there.

I'm in the group, but the group is not in me.

I'm in the group, but the group is not in me.

Patrick, when I said to come up with a relaxing mantra,

I didn't mean to create one that insulted everyone simultaneously.

Oh.

Then maybe you need to be more clear.

Anyway, Lacey, what happened after you

assumed the government was a department store?

I went down there to get my unemployment

and the DMV bitch said they only do car stuff.

And I said, "Well, I can't afford to drive my car

unless I get my unemployment, DMV bitch."

Okay, I only have one question.

Who hit who first?

They're still looking at the tapes.

But you and I have to be in court at 5:00.

You have to tell them that I'm working on my anger.

I can't go to court today. Can't I just write them a note?

I already wrote one, but you misspelled your name,

so they wouldn't accept it.

Charlie, how could you forget how to spell your own name?

Son, I've known Cambodians

with shrapnel in their heads

who made more sense when they talked.

I get it, Ed.

You've travelled and I haven't.

I'm in the group, but the group is not in me.

- I am in-- - Stop it!

All right, I'll go to court.I don't want you to go to jail.

What? You didn't tell me you could go to jail.

Charlie, you have to get her out of this.

We have a cake tasting on Monday for our fake marriage.

The reception, however, is going to be very real.

This is great. Maybe if you go with me,

I can get put under house arrest.

Okay, fine. But we've got to make it fast.

I've got to pick up someone from the airport.

Who is it, some girl you're trying to bang

before she becomes too annoying to bang?

Lacey, what kind of gentleman would I be

if I answered yes to that?

So...

anybody else got something to talk about?

[ theme music playing ]

Why are we starting?Shouldn't we be waiting

a couple of minutes until my therapist gets here?

I like to clear my docket as soon as possible.

Don't worry. He won't miss any of the fun.

Based on your record, you're facing two weeks in jail.

Two weeks?!

I can't go that long without waxing.

That's what you're crying about?

If you had seen my mom in a bikini in the '80s,

you'd be crying, too.

Can't you just put me under house arrest?

What, and sentence you to a party at your house?

- Forget it. - I wasn't talking about my house.

I was talking about... my therapist's house.

If I went there, it would be like a giant therapy session,

which is like punishment.

And he agreed to this?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We talked about it a lot.

He was like, "Let's do this."

And I was like, "Are you sure?"

And he was like, "Yeah, totally."

Wow, you got in early.

Yeah, just wait for me at baggage and I'll be on my way.

Oh, don't worry about that.

I got a full box of those in the drawer.

All right, see you soon.

I'm sorry. That was a patient.

She needs contact lens solution.

All right, let's do this.

Mr. Goodson, thank you for coming in.

Before I decide on Lacey's case,

I would like to hear your take on how she's doing.

Oh, yeah, she's doing great.

She pulled a weave off a DMV worker.

Yes. Yes. But before that and since then,

she's been doing great.

Well, I've determined that Lacey needs

to have some consequences for her actions.

I understand you two discussed house arrest and you're on board with that?

Absolutely.

You understand it's for two weeks?

Perfect. Two months would be fine.

Because he cares.

Okay, then.

Just sign here.

You know, I must say, it's wonderful to see

a therapist making a sacrifice like this for his patient.

Oh, it's okay. It was on the way to the airport.

So, you two are roommates?

Cool.

- Very cool. - Okay, I'm gonna take this.

[ clears throat ] What do you ladies like to do for fun?

Oh, I love hot yoga.

Yesterday they had the room so hot,

everybody was down to their underwear.

Every part of my body felt completely open.

How much is this class?

It's $20.

- And how much to watch? - Okay. Okay.

What do you like to do for fun?

I collect stamps.

Like hot stamps?

No, they have to bekept at room temperatureto preserve their value.

I learned that the hard way.

[ laughs ]

I'm gonna go use the little girls' room.

- Oh, I'll go with you. - Okay.

Don't you guys go anywhere, okay?

And don't you do that thing that girls always do

where you say you're going to the bathroom and actually leave.

[ laughs ]

Don't-- don't do that.

Good luck with the stamp collector, buddy.

Hey, if she says anything interesting,

you can mail it to me tomorrow.

Just so you know, I'll be taking the hot yoga chick, okay?

No, I'll be taking the hot yoga chick.

Oh, really? And why would you get the hot yoga chick?

Because we have certain obvious things in common.

I can't believe you're calling racial dibs.

- Yup, that's what I'm doing. - That's very unfair.

Let me tell you about unfair.

How about 400 years of oppression

that we are still feeling the effects of to this day?

- [ sighs ] - Huh?

What's a brother got to do to get another cranberry flirtini over here?

So wait a minute.

So you don't have any luggage?

No, I left it all in the Panda Express Express.

There were so many different kinds of chicken,

I lost track of my bags.

Well, the good news is I have an extra toothbrush...

- Ooh. - ...a hairbrush.

And you won't be needing those clothes.

[ laughs ]

[ knocking ]

Damn.

If that's your clothes, I'm gonna be really disappointed.

Hi, Charlie. I'm here.

What the hell is going on?I thought you wereunder house arrest.

I am under house arrest. At your house.

Wasn't that clear? Oh, hey, girl.

I hope that ho can cook, 'cause I'm starving.

Does this ankle braceletmake my calves look fat?

- Was this your idea? - I did what I had to do.

They were gonna strip me down, put me in an orange jumpsuit,

and feed me to the lesbians.

Charlie, what's going on?

I'm sorry. This is one of my patients, Lacey.

And apparently she's moving in.

I'm super confused. First all the different kinds of chicken,

and now this? It's just been a crazy day.

Not exactly a rocket surgeon, is she?

Scientist.

She's a scientist? No way.

Hey, I'm a scientist on getting a crowd on their feet

and into a game. What are you?

Have you seen this? I don't have to be anything.

You know what? I'm gonna call a cab and get a hotel.

This has just been too weird.

No, no, no, no. Kiana, please, wait.

You better open the door for her, Charlie.

She's gonna walk right into it.

- [ door slams ] - Ah.

How glad are you that that bitch is gone?

Lacey, it took me five months to get her here.

You got rid of her in five minutes.

I am that good.

That girl was really annoying.

It's like she didn't even want me around.

So let's just forget about her.

I'll go get a bottle of wineand we can decide whetheror not I should get bangs.

No, no.

You are going to stay in your room for two weeks

and think about how your anger has screwed up your life

and mine and how it's never going to happen again.

Nah, I'll go get the wine.

This is weird.

I feel like I'm 16 again, you know?

Me and my wingman hooking up with roommates at their apartment.

At 16 you hooked up with girls who had their own apartment?

- [ laughs ] - I hate you.

Why? What happened?

You didn't have a good time with your smoking hot

black yoga chick

who's the same black color as you, black guy?

We didn't even have sex.

That's what you get for calling racial dibs, my friend.

You know what? Never again.

According to her, every single problem I have

can be cured by yoga.

I can tell you what can't be cured by yoga.

Blue balls.

- [ laughing ] - [ TV playing ]

Who the heck is this?

- Excuse me. - Shh. Shh.

- Who the hell are you? - This is funny part.

- [ boing on TV ] - [ laughs ]

Did you see that? There was a bee in his cupcake.

He's scared.

You know, I did have a few beers last night.

- Did I order you? - No, you not Lacey.

Oh, there's another bee.

- [ boing on TV ] - [ laughs ]

[ music playing ]

[ music stops ]

What the hell is going on?

Good morning, sleepyhead. I hope you're hungry.

I'm making sangria in here, poaching eggs in this one.

But don't eat that. It's wax.

Quan's gonna hook me up.

You don't need a treasure trail to find the treasure.

Yeah, everybody already knows where that is.

Lacey, this is not cool at all.

Why such a grumpy face?

Because I'm supposed to be on round one of awesome morning sex with Kiana.

Instead, I've got a nail salon

and an East Indian disco breakfast joint.

I bet sangria and eggs would make it all better.

- Yes? - No.

Okay, then dance with the Indian girl.

[ music playing ]

[ music stops ]

Put your pants on. The party's over.

Oh, my God.

I've heard that a million times, I've just never said it.

Why are you so mad?

I'm just trying to show you a little gratitude for letting me stay here.

Excuse me for being a ray of freaking sunshine in the morning.

Patrick, what the hell are you doing here?

Don't look at my feet. Don't look at my feet. Don't look at my feet.

Quan usually comesto our place on Tuesdays.

- Look, there's another bee. - [ all laughing ]

- [ TV turns off ] - All: Aw.

And I'm not letting you stay here.

I'm stuck with you because of that ankle bracelet.

My only option now is to push you 31 feet away from my house

and let the cops take you down during your escape attempt.

Could you guys keep it down?

You're bringing a lot of negative energy into the spa.

Okay, why don't you go to work

and when you come back, we'll chill

and watch a movie? Oh, and pick up some wine

because I dumped all your good stuff in the sangria.

No. No.

I think we should separate for a little bit.

I'm going out tonight and hopefully not coming back till tomorrow.

Oh, okay, so banging another bimbo is gonna make everything all right?

You better pray that it does.

And they're not all bimbos.

[ laughs ]

Sorry, I have a very ticklish middle toe.

Also, what you said is ridiculous.

Here we go.

So where were we? Human trafficking?

Oh, I'm sorry. I keep going on and on.

It's just that I'm very passionate.

Oh, I'm very passionate about stopping it, too.

Are you just agreeing with everything I'm saying

so you can get me into bed?

No.

See?

I don't know. Look, I think that you are very cute

and I wouldn't mind going home with you,

but I think you might be full of it.

I mean, what have you actually done to make a difference?

What have I done? I'll tell you what I've done.

I rescued a young woman who's living in my house right now.

You did?

She's a sweet, kind, innocent young lady.

She's doing some housekeeping for me while I put her through school.

You know, maybe you haven't done enough to make a difference.

I think I should maybe leave.

No, no. Wait.

Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I misjudged you.

Ah, it's okay.

Why don't we continue this back at your place?

Actually, I was thinking we could go back to your place

so I can meet her.

I don't know. My place is a mess.

She's a terrible housekeeper.

I can't bring myself to criticize her.

Come on, Charlie.

Afterwards, we can go back to my place.

[ sighs ]

Okay.

I'm really excited to meet her.

But just know it'll only be for a minute.

She needs to be in bed by 10:00 so she can have a solid eight hours

of horrific nightmares.

Woman on TV: Twist. Really feel it in the waistline.

What a tragedy. He said he had vanilla fro-yo

and when you wentto get it, he was all out?

Are you gonna be okay?

- Lacey, please, I need to talk to you. - [ TV turns off ]

Okay, take an Ambien. I've got to go.

Hey.

What are you doing back? Are you finally ready to hang out with me?

Yes.

Cool. What do you want to do?

There is a gorgeous girl outside.

And the only way she'll sleep with me

is if you say you're a sex slave.

What the fro-yo?

I told her that you were a victim of human trafficking

and that I rescued you.

So all you got to do is just say good night

in broken English and go upstairs.

You said you wanted to show me your gratitude, right?

Okay, fine, I'll do it.

Thank you.

Jamie, come on in.

Jamie, this is Lacey.

Lacey, this is Jamie.

I wanted you to meet before you went to bed

in the nice soft bed that you never had in that cage.

It is such a pleasure to meet you.

[ with accent ] Thanking you for meet me.

I had long, hard life.

I tell you story.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no. No story.

You're very tired. Night-night.

No. I awake.

I took big nap.

Lacey, there is nothing more important tonight

than me hearing your story.

I could think of something.

Oh, hey there.

Got ourselves another Obama-Biden alert.

All right, let's do this.

No, hold on.

Remember, no matter what happens,

you are not allowed to call racial dibs.

Absolutely.

I'm confident that I can get the girl

based on the merits of who I really am.

Don't forget, tonight I'm a record producer.

Hi, ladies. I'm Sean.

- This is my friend Michael. - Ladies.

He's a record producer.

Hi, I'm Janet and this is my best friend Janelle.

[ high, nasally voice ] Hi, boys.

Why don't you sit down and join us?

Racial dibs.

You said we couldn't do that.

No, I said you couldn't do that.

And when I 10,

I work in furniture factory.

I make sofa.

And when it hot day,

we share glass of water.

Okay, Lacey.

It's been two hours. I think we've covered it all.

The important thing is I rescued you, I'm your hero.

Period, the end. Time for bed.

Mr. Charlie give me beautiful bed.

Oh, he is a good man, isn't he?

I am. I really am.

Sometime he tuck me in and hug me.

Isn't that sweet?

Yes, I know, it is.Come on, sweetie.Come on.

Sometime he get on top of me

and give me hug we not talk about.

[ crying ]

If I say no,

he no give me food next day.

You are taking advantage of this girl?

Okay, Jamie, here's the truth.

Lacey is not a sex slave.

She's my patient and I'm her therapist.

And she's not allowed to leave my house.

- Okay, that didn't sound much better either, did it? - Wow.

Okay, all right. You know what?

I don't know what kind of role-playing,

S&M therapy you guys have going on,

but you know what? I'm out of here.

No, no, no, Jamie. Wait, wait, wait.

Wow.

I can't believeyou want to date a girl

who would sit throughtwo hours of that crap.

Why the hell did you do that?

Okay, calm down. Breathe. Use your tools.

Oh, I'm gonna use my tools to bury your body in my backyard.

You can't just keep bringinghome these ridiculous women

who aren't right for you.

I've always done that. Why does it suddenly matter now?

Because I'm living with youand you haven't even hit on me!

What the fro-yo?!

Lacey, I can't hit on you.

I'm your therapist. That would be so wrong.

But that didn't stop my old boss,

my gynecologist, or my second cousin.

What if I wasn't your patient?

It doesn't matter.

Look, we both know you have issues because of your father.

And apparently your old boss,

gynecologist, and second cousin.

But you've got to stop trying to make every man want you.

I don't want every man to want me.

I want you to want me.

Why?

Because you want everybody else.

I've seen the girls you date.

Am I not as hot as them?

Am I stupider than them?

Are you sure you've seen the girls I date?

Lacey, you're great.

But you need to learn to get your self-esteem

from something other than men.

But if I wasn't your patient

and I was actually a good person, would you want me?

Nope.

What if I had bigger boobs?

Nope.

What if we were stranded on a ship at sea

with nothing to eat

and I was a delicious piece of fruit?

Nope.

Wait, wait, wait, no. I'd need you

so I wouldn't get scurvy, but I wouldn't want you.

If I was that chick who just left

that you wanted, would you want me?

Yes, I guess I would.

Aha! I knew you wanted me.

[ laughs ]

God, I'm your patient, you perv.

God.