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1
00:00:02,045 --> 00:00:03,568
So, Ed, my dad said
that you and he drove
2
00:00:03,612 --> 00:00:05,309
down to Tijuana
for a couple days.
Little vacation?
3
00:00:05,353 --> 00:00:08,051
No, I had to get
some cheap meds
4
00:00:08,095 --> 00:00:10,053
and your dad always wanted
to get his picture taken
5
00:00:10,097 --> 00:00:12,751
on a donkey painted
like a zebra.
6
00:00:13,883 --> 00:00:16,494
I started saving
for a trip to Mexico.
7
00:00:16,538 --> 00:00:19,236
- They say it's beautiful.
- Well, they were wrong.
8
00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:22,326
For a country that cranks out
nothing but housekeepers,
9
00:00:22,370 --> 00:00:24,111
the place is a mess.
10
00:00:24,154 --> 00:00:27,810
All right, Ed.
Put a dollar in
the racist jar.
11
00:00:29,986 --> 00:00:31,988
No, no, no.
That's the homophobia jar.
12
00:00:33,685 --> 00:00:35,557
That's the sexist jar.
13
00:00:36,949 --> 00:00:38,777
That's the anti-Semitic jar.
14
00:00:38,821 --> 00:00:42,999
You'd think there'd be more
dollars in the Jew jar.
15
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:45,610
Well, there are now.
Put a dollar in.
16
00:00:49,353 --> 00:00:51,225
So, Nolan,
if you're unemployed,
17
00:00:51,268 --> 00:00:52,922
how are you saving
money for a trip?
18
00:00:52,965 --> 00:00:55,707
Did you figure out how to sell
a vacant stare on eBay?
19
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,929
No, I got a job.
I'm working at French Cut.
20
00:00:59,972 --> 00:01:01,887
Nolan, we've been over this.
21
00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:05,282
Loitering in a lingerie
store is not the same thing
as working there.
22
00:01:05,326 --> 00:01:08,198
No, it's real.
I'm a cashier.
23
00:01:08,242 --> 00:01:11,680
Wait a minute.
That means you'll get
an employee discount.
24
00:01:11,723 --> 00:01:15,118
And a half hour
for lunch.
25
00:01:15,162 --> 00:01:17,425
We need to talk.
26
00:01:17,468 --> 00:01:20,254
Is this about
the remake of "Tron"?
27
00:01:22,038 --> 00:01:25,998
No. It's about letting me
use your employee discount.
28
00:01:26,042 --> 00:01:27,652
Oh.
29
00:01:27,696 --> 00:01:29,611
Can we talk
about "Tron" after?
30
00:01:32,004 --> 00:01:34,268
Oh, sorry.
I thought session was over.
31
00:01:34,311 --> 00:01:36,139
No, no, come on in.
We're just wrapping up.
32
00:01:36,183 --> 00:01:37,662
See you all next Thursday.
33
00:01:37,706 --> 00:01:40,317
Nolan, good luck
with the job.
34
00:01:40,361 --> 00:01:42,580
And, Ed, a little tip.
It's probably a bad sign
35
00:01:42,624 --> 00:01:44,800
if your pill bottle
has a worm at the bottom.
36
00:01:47,890 --> 00:01:51,067
You're here 'cause you got
my message about us being
in "Psychology Today."
37
00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:53,591
- Pretty great, huh?
- Are you kidding?
38
00:01:53,635 --> 00:01:55,941
We can't invite the press
to see the study now.
39
00:01:55,985 --> 00:01:57,813
If they don't like
what we're doing,
40
00:01:57,856 --> 00:01:59,989
they could destroy
our credibility before
the results are published.
41
00:02:00,032 --> 00:02:03,079
So are you excited
about this or not?
42
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,386
I've been burned
by the press before.
43
00:02:05,429 --> 00:02:07,431
Oh, not that again.
You've got to get over it.
44
00:02:07,475 --> 00:02:09,303
That review
was a long time ago.
45
00:02:09,346 --> 00:02:12,044
"Lose 20 pounds"
is not something
46
00:02:12,088 --> 00:02:14,177
you should say to
a nine-year-old ballerina.
47
00:02:15,918 --> 00:02:18,964
Well, don't worry.
I had a lovely Skype
with Vanessa this morning
48
00:02:19,008 --> 00:02:21,097
and I guarantee this will
be a very positive article.
49
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:24,187
Oh, really?
You guarantee it?
50
00:02:24,231 --> 00:02:28,017
Does Vanessa also happen
to be an attractive woman?
51
00:02:28,060 --> 00:02:30,193
Define attractive.
52
00:02:30,237 --> 00:02:32,935
- Attractive.
- Oh, well, then, yes,
she is.
53
00:02:34,719 --> 00:02:37,722
Charlie, if we are
going to do this,
54
00:02:37,766 --> 00:02:41,073
it has to be for
the good of our careers,
not your penis.
55
00:02:41,117 --> 00:02:43,075
Hey, hey, hey.
56
00:02:43,119 --> 00:02:45,948
What's good for our careers
is good for my penis.
57
00:02:45,991 --> 00:02:48,385
Oh, come on, Jordan.
Let's do this interview.
58
00:02:48,429 --> 00:02:52,084
Okay, fine.
But this woman
is a professional.
59
00:02:52,128 --> 00:02:54,130
Promise me you'll treat
her with respect.
60
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,784
I absolutely will.
61
00:02:55,827 --> 00:02:58,047
When I'm having sex with her,
I'll say please and thank you.
62
00:02:58,090 --> 00:03:02,094
- Charlie.
- Oh, come on.
I'm not stupid.
63
00:03:02,138 --> 00:03:03,618
20 pounds?
64
00:03:03,661 --> 00:03:05,707
How big were you
when you were nine?
65
00:03:05,750 --> 00:03:09,189
I was more sugar plum
than fairy.
66
00:03:11,756 --> 00:03:14,672
Is it fair to characterize
your study as comparing
67
00:03:14,716 --> 00:03:17,022
the happiness of friends
with benefits couples
68
00:03:17,066 --> 00:03:19,024
versus traditional
monogamous couples?
69
00:03:19,068 --> 00:03:21,201
Yes, exactly.
70
00:03:21,244 --> 00:03:23,725
And if I was to put
something in your mouth,
71
00:03:23,768 --> 00:03:25,988
those words would be it.
72
00:03:26,989 --> 00:03:29,078
- Charlie.
- What?
73
00:03:29,121 --> 00:03:31,080
Please, continue.
74
00:03:31,123 --> 00:03:35,084
Has working together so closely
on a subject like this
75
00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:38,522
ever tempted you to,
you know,
76
00:03:38,566 --> 00:03:40,568
take your relationship
to the next level?
77
00:03:40,611 --> 00:03:43,875
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
78
00:03:43,919 --> 00:03:45,834
Jordan, if I may.
79
00:03:45,877 --> 00:03:48,097
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
80
00:03:49,316 --> 00:03:51,013
Never, ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever.
81
00:03:51,056 --> 00:03:54,364
Yeah, not in the history
of the known universe.
82
00:03:54,408 --> 00:03:56,888
Not even if hell froze over.
83
00:03:56,932 --> 00:03:59,935
Beyond the valley
of no way.
84
00:03:59,978 --> 00:04:03,460
Not even if he paid for it.
85
00:04:03,504 --> 00:04:06,855
[ sighs ]
Not even if I could
afford it.
86
00:04:11,686 --> 00:04:15,559
But, for the record,
Jordan is a brilliant
researcher.
87
00:04:17,692 --> 00:04:19,694
Thank you.
88
00:04:19,737 --> 00:04:23,001
And do not get me
started on Charlie.
89
00:04:24,133 --> 00:04:26,266
- Is that it?
- Yes.
90
00:04:26,309 --> 00:04:28,485
[ phone chimes ]
91
00:04:28,529 --> 00:04:30,922
Excuse me.
92
00:04:30,966 --> 00:04:33,055
Hello?
93
00:04:33,098 --> 00:04:35,318
Yes, this is she.
94
00:04:35,362 --> 00:04:38,234
Yes, I have
a red tabby cat.
95
00:04:39,888 --> 00:04:42,543
Yes, she's been known
to attack children.
96
00:04:44,632 --> 00:04:47,112
Oh, my God.
I'll be right there.
97
00:04:47,156 --> 00:04:50,072
I'm so sorry.
I have to go.
98
00:04:50,115 --> 00:04:52,770
My cat tore up a--
she's sick.
99
00:04:53,902 --> 00:04:54,990
No, it's okay. Go.
100
00:04:55,033 --> 00:04:56,818
We'll keep talking
about the study.
101
00:04:56,861 --> 00:04:58,907
And that's all.
102
00:04:58,950 --> 00:05:01,692
Don't worry.
We're not gonna talk about
you behind your back.
103
00:05:01,736 --> 00:05:03,781
Crazy cat lady.
104
00:05:07,132 --> 00:05:09,918
- So.
- So.
105
00:05:10,875 --> 00:05:12,616
The study.
106
00:05:12,660 --> 00:05:16,141
Well, now with Jordan gone,
I can confide in you
107
00:05:16,185 --> 00:05:18,883
that I think
to write this story,
108
00:05:18,927 --> 00:05:22,234
I'm going to need to experience
your methodology firsthand.
109
00:05:22,278 --> 00:05:25,586
So you want to be
hooked up to the machine?
110
00:05:25,629 --> 00:05:27,979
Because that is firsthand.
111
00:05:28,023 --> 00:05:30,765
And feel free to use
your second hand if needed.
112
00:05:30,808 --> 00:05:33,724
When I did a story
on Tibetan monks,
113
00:05:33,768 --> 00:05:35,335
I spent a month
in a monastery.
114
00:05:35,378 --> 00:05:36,988
When I did a story
on kayaking,
115
00:05:37,032 --> 00:05:38,642
I went down
the Colorado River.
116
00:05:38,686 --> 00:05:41,645
When I did a story
on gang violence in
South Central LA,
117
00:05:41,689 --> 00:05:44,344
I rented a documentary
118
00:05:44,387 --> 00:05:46,433
on gang violence in
South Central LA.
119
00:05:47,782 --> 00:05:49,523
I mean, I can hook you
up to the machine,
120
00:05:49,566 --> 00:05:51,873
but it won't mean anything
unless you're having sex.
121
00:05:51,916 --> 00:05:54,354
I know.
122
00:05:55,746 --> 00:05:57,226
So you gonna bring
your boyfriend down here?
123
00:05:57,269 --> 00:05:59,359
I don't have a boyfriend.
124
00:05:59,402 --> 00:06:01,970
And I...
125
00:06:02,013 --> 00:06:04,059
don't have
any self-control.
126
00:06:05,190 --> 00:06:07,584
[ theme music playing ]
127
00:06:10,457 --> 00:06:13,198
So this is what everybody
in the study has to wear
when they have sex?
128
00:06:13,242 --> 00:06:14,548
I don't know
what you're talking about.
129
00:06:14,591 --> 00:06:16,245
It's what I always wear
when I have sex.
130
00:06:17,681 --> 00:06:19,553
Let me show you
how this works.
131
00:06:19,596 --> 00:06:21,903
The machine, that is.
I'm sure you know
how the rest works.
132
00:06:21,946 --> 00:06:25,428
If you do something
that surprises me,
I'll let you know.
133
00:06:25,472 --> 00:06:29,432
Now, these register
our emotional responses
during sex.
134
00:06:29,476 --> 00:06:33,305
And this is the number
that identifies which
couple we are.
135
00:06:33,349 --> 00:06:36,178
XTC4U?
136
00:06:36,221 --> 00:06:38,354
Totally random.
137
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:41,313
We programmed the computer
to have a sense of humor.
138
00:06:41,357 --> 00:06:44,360
It cost a lot,
but it was well worth it.
139
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:47,276
So, are we all hooked up
and ready to go?
140
00:06:47,319 --> 00:06:49,452
Well, we're not
totally hooked up.
141
00:06:49,496 --> 00:06:52,324
There is one
input left.
142
00:06:52,368 --> 00:06:54,544
Oh, yeah?
What's that?
143
00:06:55,893 --> 00:06:57,068
This.
144
00:07:01,464 --> 00:07:02,813
All right.
145
00:07:02,857 --> 00:07:06,513
Welcome to the wonderful
world of sexual science.
146
00:07:06,556 --> 00:07:09,341
Please keep your arms
and legs in the bed
at all times.
147
00:07:09,385 --> 00:07:12,127
You can pick up
your picture in the gift shop
at the end of the ride.
148
00:07:12,170 --> 00:07:15,130
I'm just glad
I'm tall enough to ride.
149
00:07:17,393 --> 00:07:20,135
Excuse me. I'm looking
for something that says,
150
00:07:20,178 --> 00:07:24,139
"I'm shy until you
get two drinks in me,
LeBron James."
151
00:07:25,662 --> 00:07:28,012
Lacey, I need
to talk to you.
152
00:07:28,056 --> 00:07:30,145
I need to talk to you.
What's sexier?
153
00:07:30,188 --> 00:07:33,365
This or this?
154
00:07:33,409 --> 00:07:35,585
I don't know.
The only way I can tell
155
00:07:35,629 --> 00:07:39,459
is if I see them on you
and then you slowly
take them off.
156
00:07:39,502 --> 00:07:42,897
Come talk to me when
they're paying you $60
million to play basketball
157
00:07:42,940 --> 00:07:46,378
and you've got a shoe
contract and, you know what,
just don't talk to me.
158
00:07:46,422 --> 00:07:48,337
Look, Lacey, my boss
just told me
159
00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:49,817
the only people who can
use my employee discount
160
00:07:49,860 --> 00:07:52,950
are me, family members,
or significant others.
161
00:07:52,994 --> 00:07:55,475
And I don't think anyone's
going to believe you're me.
162
00:07:55,518 --> 00:07:57,564
So just tell them
I'm your sister.
163
00:07:57,607 --> 00:08:00,262
- My girlfriend.
- Your half-sister.
164
00:08:00,305 --> 00:08:02,917
- My girlfriend.
- Your cousin.
165
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:06,137
Okay, fine, my cousin.
But we have sex.
166
00:08:08,357 --> 00:08:10,490
Hey.
Sorry about that.
167
00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:14,319
So what happened?
Your cat scratched up a kid?
168
00:08:14,363 --> 00:08:15,886
It wasn't the cat's fault.
169
00:08:15,930 --> 00:08:17,366
The kid from next door
was eating out of her bowl.
170
00:08:17,409 --> 00:08:20,412
I really need
a smaller cat door.
171
00:08:20,456 --> 00:08:22,980
Well, they make that cat food
look so delicious on TV.
172
00:08:23,024 --> 00:08:24,547
This was bound to happen.
173
00:08:24,591 --> 00:08:26,984
So how'd it go
with the reporter?
174
00:08:27,028 --> 00:08:28,769
Was she in and out
pretty quick?
175
00:08:28,812 --> 00:08:30,771
No, I wouldn't
put it that way.
176
00:08:30,814 --> 00:08:32,555
But she got
what she needed?
177
00:08:32,599 --> 00:08:34,514
Sure sounded
that way to me.
178
00:08:36,472 --> 00:08:39,649
Did somebody use
the machine?
179
00:08:41,738 --> 00:08:43,566
What?
180
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:45,350
According to the time stamp,
181
00:08:45,394 --> 00:08:48,223
someone used this machine
45 minutes ago.
182
00:08:48,266 --> 00:08:50,007
I wonder who?
183
00:08:51,313 --> 00:08:53,576
Damn it, Charlie.
She's a reporter.
184
00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:55,970
Is there anyone
that you don't sleep with?
185
00:08:56,013 --> 00:08:58,189
Yes, there's a whole
gender I don't sleep with.
186
00:09:00,365 --> 00:09:02,629
Hey, she started it.
What was I supposed
to do, say no?
187
00:09:02,672 --> 00:09:06,067
- Yes!
- Well, that's just
crazy talk.
188
00:09:06,110 --> 00:09:09,984
I can't leave
for one hour without you
getting into trouble.
189
00:09:10,027 --> 00:09:12,639
- You're worse than Mr. Tubby.
- Don't compare me to a cat.
190
00:09:12,682 --> 00:09:15,250
I'm not.
That's what I call
the kid from next door.
191
00:09:19,994 --> 00:09:21,386
Has she seen
this readout yet?
192
00:09:21,430 --> 00:09:23,301
No, she wanted to do
this for her story,
193
00:09:23,345 --> 00:09:25,216
so I was gonna show
it to her tonight. Why?
194
00:09:25,260 --> 00:09:28,045
Well, according to the activity
in her dopamine center,
195
00:09:28,089 --> 00:09:30,047
this woman
is in love with you.
196
00:09:30,091 --> 00:09:32,006
Which can only mean
one thing.
197
00:09:32,049 --> 00:09:35,139
- What?
- The machine is broken.
198
00:09:36,532 --> 00:09:37,968
What are you saying?
199
00:09:38,012 --> 00:09:39,840
That a woman can't fall in
love with me after one time?
200
00:09:39,883 --> 00:09:42,059
- No.
- Well, you know what?
201
00:09:42,103 --> 00:09:44,801
- You don't know women.
- I do know women.
202
00:09:44,845 --> 00:09:47,499
- Oh, really? How?
- I'm a woman.
203
00:09:48,413 --> 00:09:50,111
Oh, please.
204
00:09:50,154 --> 00:09:52,461
I am and I know this woman
205
00:09:52,504 --> 00:09:54,550
and I know what she's going
to write in her article
206
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,465
after she sees this readout.
207
00:09:56,508 --> 00:10:00,034
That all of our data
is faulty and this whole
study is a sham.
208
00:10:00,077 --> 00:10:02,427
- This is terrible.
- I know. I know.
209
00:10:02,471 --> 00:10:04,386
This study
is all you've got.
210
00:10:04,429 --> 00:10:07,258
I've got friends, hobbies,
private practice.
211
00:10:07,302 --> 00:10:09,521
You better figure
out your next move.
I'm out of here.
212
00:10:09,565 --> 00:10:12,307
You are not
bailing on this.
213
00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:14,265
What if this happened today?
214
00:10:14,309 --> 00:10:16,137
Is there any way
that you could have
broken the machine?
215
00:10:16,180 --> 00:10:17,529
Did anything get wet?
216
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:22,665
The machine,
you adolescent pig.
217
00:10:22,709 --> 00:10:25,146
- No.
- [ sighs ]
218
00:10:25,189 --> 00:10:28,497
Okay, well, I'll get
it checked out.
219
00:10:28,540 --> 00:10:32,414
But in the meantime,
don't let her see
this readout.
220
00:10:32,457 --> 00:10:34,372
Give her someone else's.
Pretend it's hers.
221
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,375
I can't show her this.
222
00:10:37,419 --> 00:10:40,509
Besides, she knows
our number-- XTC4U.
223
00:10:41,684 --> 00:10:43,686
You have got to fix this
or we're screwed.
224
00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:45,775
Oh, how typical.
225
00:10:45,819 --> 00:10:48,343
I make a mistake,
you get mad at me,
226
00:10:48,386 --> 00:10:51,172
and I'm the one who has
to clean things up.
227
00:10:51,215 --> 00:10:54,479
Well, you know what, Jordan?
Your name is on that door, too.
228
00:10:54,523 --> 00:10:56,656
It says Gordon.
229
00:10:56,699 --> 00:10:59,702
Oh, yeah?
Well, I suppose you're gonna
blame that on me, too.
230
00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:01,661
Well, you're the one that gave
them the wrong spelling.
231
00:11:01,704 --> 00:11:04,315
And there it is.
232
00:11:07,579 --> 00:11:09,930
It's been really fun hanging
out with you today, Lacey.
233
00:11:09,973 --> 00:11:11,279
We're not hanging out.
234
00:11:11,322 --> 00:11:12,802
You bumped into me
in the Apple Store,
235
00:11:12,846 --> 00:11:14,543
found out about
Nolan's employee discount,
236
00:11:14,586 --> 00:11:16,327
and followed me here.
237
00:11:16,371 --> 00:11:18,852
I know, fun, right?
238
00:11:18,895 --> 00:11:21,245
Hey, Mom,
what about this?
239
00:11:21,289 --> 00:11:22,899
- Yes!
- Over my dead body.
240
00:11:22,943 --> 00:11:24,292
No way.
I'll kill you.
241
00:11:24,335 --> 00:11:27,034
You guys both talked
at the same time,
242
00:11:27,077 --> 00:11:28,731
so I'm gonna assume
it was my mom that said yes.
243
00:11:28,775 --> 00:11:30,733
- Uh, no.
- Come on.
244
00:11:30,777 --> 00:11:33,605
You said you were
already wearing push-up
bras and thongs at my age.
245
00:11:33,649 --> 00:11:36,957
That's because I was rebelling
against conservative parents.
246
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,436
If you want
to rebel against me,
247
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:39,916
you're gonna have to do
something crazy
248
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:41,875
like wear granny panties
249
00:11:41,918 --> 00:11:44,529
and not sleep with all
the guys at Spencer's Gifts.
250
00:11:46,096 --> 00:11:48,925
Uh-oh. All right, guys,
give me all your stuff.
251
00:11:48,969 --> 00:11:50,710
If I don't leave
in five minutes,
252
00:11:50,753 --> 00:11:53,016
I'm gonna be two
and a half hours late
for lunch with my mom.
253
00:11:55,802 --> 00:11:57,760
- Here. I want these.
- Hello, cousin,
254
00:11:57,804 --> 00:12:00,415
who qualifies for
my employee discount.
255
00:12:00,458 --> 00:12:02,983
Kiss me.
My boss is watching.
256
00:12:03,026 --> 00:12:05,028
We're not cousins
who have sex.
257
00:12:05,072 --> 00:12:08,292
Just because society
doesn't understand our love
258
00:12:08,336 --> 00:12:10,468
does not mean
it's not real.
259
00:12:13,471 --> 00:12:15,082
How's it going, Nolan?
260
00:12:15,125 --> 00:12:16,910
Oh, fine.
261
00:12:16,953 --> 00:12:19,173
Just ringing up some
more clothes for my cousin.
262
00:12:19,216 --> 00:12:21,871
You've been buying
her an awful lot
of clothes lately.
263
00:12:21,915 --> 00:12:24,918
You know what they say
about women.
264
00:12:26,441 --> 00:12:28,617
Bitches.
265
00:12:30,010 --> 00:12:32,229
You know, I'd like
to meet your cousin.
266
00:12:32,273 --> 00:12:35,232
Anyone who can wear
a 32B and a 34D
267
00:12:35,276 --> 00:12:37,669
must be very
interesting-looking.
268
00:12:37,713 --> 00:12:39,933
Yeah.
269
00:12:39,976 --> 00:12:42,849
She's got a lot
of different-sized breasts.
270
00:12:42,892 --> 00:12:44,851
Nolan, what's going on?
271
00:12:44,894 --> 00:12:46,896
Okay, the truth is
272
00:12:46,940 --> 00:12:50,204
this bra is for my cousin.
273
00:12:51,596 --> 00:12:55,600
And this bra is for me.
274
00:12:55,644 --> 00:12:56,993
For you?
275
00:12:57,037 --> 00:12:59,909
That's what I went with.
276
00:13:01,476 --> 00:13:04,218
That's great.
I'm a cross-dresser, too.
277
00:13:04,261 --> 00:13:05,872
- You are?
- Yes.
278
00:13:05,915 --> 00:13:08,483
No way.
279
00:13:08,526 --> 00:13:10,702
Why else would I
work in this place?
280
00:13:10,746 --> 00:13:13,923
Because you're also not
Hot Dog on a Stick material?
281
00:13:13,967 --> 00:13:17,622
Anyway, we're having
a secret drag party here
282
00:13:17,666 --> 00:13:19,842
tomorrow night with a bunch
of my cross-dressing friends.
283
00:13:19,886 --> 00:13:22,889
- You should come.
- Oh, I would love to.
284
00:13:22,932 --> 00:13:25,935
But I got to work
tomorrow night.
285
00:13:25,979 --> 00:13:27,719
No, you don't.
286
00:13:27,763 --> 00:13:29,678
Right, you're my boss.
287
00:13:29,721 --> 00:13:31,898
You would know that.
288
00:13:33,725 --> 00:13:35,553
Afternoon, gentlemen.
289
00:13:37,077 --> 00:13:40,080
Wayne, I couldn't help
noticing that you're
holding a bird.
290
00:13:40,123 --> 00:13:42,038
I've always loved birds.
291
00:13:42,082 --> 00:13:44,432
I call her
Barbra Streisand.
292
00:13:44,475 --> 00:13:47,000
Because she sings
so beautifully?
293
00:13:47,043 --> 00:13:49,959
No, 'cause all
the gays love her.
294
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,006
Right?
Who's fabulous?
295
00:13:55,095 --> 00:13:57,924
When I retell the story,
it'll be because she sings
so beautifully.
296
00:13:57,967 --> 00:14:01,144
If I knew we were
allowed to have pets
in this prison,
297
00:14:01,188 --> 00:14:03,059
I would have brought
my pet gun.
298
00:14:03,103 --> 00:14:05,148
And my pet bag of heroin.
299
00:14:05,192 --> 00:14:08,586
Pets aren't allowed
in here, Ernesto.
300
00:14:08,630 --> 00:14:10,501
How'd you get the bird
in here, Wayne?
301
00:14:10,545 --> 00:14:12,982
Hardest part was getting
her past the metal detector.
302
00:14:13,026 --> 00:14:14,897
Why? Birds don't have
any metal on them.
303
00:14:14,941 --> 00:14:17,900
No, but they do have little
metal bands on their legs
304
00:14:17,944 --> 00:14:21,382
that say, "Property
of the San Diego Zoo."
305
00:14:21,425 --> 00:14:23,340
All right, well,
let's talk about that.
306
00:14:23,384 --> 00:14:26,213
Machines and how they
complicate our lives.
Who's got an example?
307
00:14:26,256 --> 00:14:28,911
Ooh, I do.
One time I had this
wrinkled-up old dollar
308
00:14:28,955 --> 00:14:31,522
and I was trying
to shove that bitch up
into a Pepsi machine--
309
00:14:31,566 --> 00:14:33,916
You know what?
I'm gonna go first.
310
00:14:35,135 --> 00:14:37,006
There's this
really hot reporter.
311
00:14:37,050 --> 00:14:38,790
She's doing an article
on my sex study.
312
00:14:38,834 --> 00:14:40,967
So we hooked ourselves up
to this EEG machine
313
00:14:41,010 --> 00:14:43,970
that measures love
and then we, well,
we hooked up.
314
00:14:44,013 --> 00:14:45,928
Ooh!
Here we go, here we go.
315
00:14:45,972 --> 00:14:48,104
The meat.
Get to the meat, Charlie.
316
00:14:48,148 --> 00:14:50,933
Anyway, the readout said
that she loved me,
317
00:14:50,977 --> 00:14:52,282
which can't be true.
318
00:14:52,326 --> 00:14:53,893
When she realizes
our data is wrong,
319
00:14:53,936 --> 00:14:55,590
she'll write about it
and trash the study.
320
00:14:55,633 --> 00:14:58,767
How many people are you willing
to kill to save your study?
321
00:15:00,029 --> 00:15:01,161
None.
322
00:15:01,204 --> 00:15:04,077
All right.
I got another idea.
323
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:06,209
The way I see it,
can't change the readout
324
00:15:06,253 --> 00:15:08,255
so you got to change
the woman.
325
00:15:08,298 --> 00:15:11,649
You got to make her
think she's in love with you,
she just doesn't know it.
326
00:15:11,693 --> 00:15:14,261
That's a great idea.
But how would I do that?
327
00:15:14,304 --> 00:15:16,306
I would say chain her
to a basement wall,
328
00:15:16,350 --> 00:15:19,048
but that never
worked out for me.
329
00:15:19,092 --> 00:15:21,921
Anybody have
any other suggestions?
330
00:15:23,661 --> 00:15:25,576
That don't involve chaining
someone to a wall.
331
00:15:28,144 --> 00:15:30,103
Or a toilet.
332
00:15:35,891 --> 00:15:37,806
Coming.
333
00:15:41,114 --> 00:15:43,290
- Hey.
- Charlie.
334
00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:45,640
What are you doing here?
I thought we were meeting
at the restaurant.
335
00:15:45,683 --> 00:15:48,817
Yeah, but I thought
it'd be better if we talked
about the results in private.
336
00:15:48,860 --> 00:15:51,428
Plus, I wanted
to bring you these.
337
00:15:51,472 --> 00:15:54,431
Flowers? Really?
That's unexpected.
338
00:15:54,475 --> 00:15:57,478
- Do you like them?
- I love them.
339
00:15:57,521 --> 00:16:01,003
But you didn't know you
loved them until I brought
them to your attention.
340
00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:04,311
- What?
- It's okay.
341
00:16:04,354 --> 00:16:06,008
Just because you didn't
know you loved something
342
00:16:06,052 --> 00:16:08,358
doesn't make you
a bad person.
343
00:16:08,402 --> 00:16:10,491
Why don't we go inside?
344
00:16:14,538 --> 00:16:16,627
- Are you all right?
- I am great.
345
00:16:19,065 --> 00:16:20,936
Let me tell you
a little story.
346
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:23,983
A long time ago my ex-wife
and I, we had this cat.
347
00:16:24,026 --> 00:16:27,464
And I didn't feel
anything for this cat.
348
00:16:27,508 --> 00:16:29,727
Okay.
349
00:16:29,771 --> 00:16:33,470
Then one night
a coyote ate that cat
350
00:16:33,514 --> 00:16:35,211
and I was
an emotional wreck.
351
00:16:35,255 --> 00:16:37,561
- You know why?
- Why?
352
00:16:37,605 --> 00:16:40,260
Because it turns out
I loved that cat
353
00:16:40,303 --> 00:16:42,740
and I didn't even know it.
I would have known it
354
00:16:42,784 --> 00:16:45,308
if it was hooked up to
an EEG and I had sex with it.
355
00:16:47,832 --> 00:16:49,878
All right,
I think I get it.
356
00:16:49,921 --> 00:16:51,923
- You do?
- Yeah.
357
00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:54,056
I'm the cat and you
just found out
358
00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:56,363
that you're in love
with me.
359
00:16:56,406 --> 00:16:59,061
No, I'm the cat
360
00:16:59,105 --> 00:17:01,194
and you're in love
with me.
361
00:17:01,237 --> 00:17:03,413
Surprise.
362
00:17:03,457 --> 00:17:05,024
I don't know what
you're talking about.
363
00:17:05,067 --> 00:17:08,114
Let me just show
you the data.
364
00:17:09,941 --> 00:17:11,900
Okay.
365
00:17:11,943 --> 00:17:13,902
Look, this is the readout.
366
00:17:13,945 --> 00:17:15,904
This one's me
and this one's you.
367
00:17:15,947 --> 00:17:19,429
Look how high your activity
is in your dopamine centers.
368
00:17:19,473 --> 00:17:21,170
Which means I love you?
369
00:17:21,214 --> 00:17:22,911
And you don't even know it.
370
00:17:22,954 --> 00:17:26,088
Isn't science amazing?
371
00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:28,873
Charlie, I really liked
having sex with you,
372
00:17:28,917 --> 00:17:32,138
but if you think I'm crazy
enough to fall in love with
someone I just met,
373
00:17:32,181 --> 00:17:34,444
then you have
serious issues.
374
00:17:34,488 --> 00:17:35,924
No, no. No, no.
Falling in love with me
375
00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:38,100
without even knowing me
is completely normal.
376
00:17:38,144 --> 00:17:40,494
Sometimes it's even easier.
377
00:17:43,410 --> 00:17:45,064
It doesn't make you crazy.
378
00:17:45,107 --> 00:17:47,283
Okay, here's the truth.
379
00:17:47,327 --> 00:17:49,590
Your readout
is way off base,
380
00:17:49,633 --> 00:17:52,462
which means your machine
and all your data are wrong.
381
00:17:52,506 --> 00:17:55,465
And I would be a terrible
reporter if I didn't put
that in my article.
382
00:17:55,509 --> 00:17:57,206
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
383
00:17:57,250 --> 00:17:59,643
Oh, my gosh.
I had it upside down.
384
00:17:59,687 --> 00:18:01,428
I'm in love with you.
385
00:18:01,471 --> 00:18:03,125
[ chuckles ]
386
00:18:03,169 --> 00:18:05,736
I can't deal
with this right now.
Please leave.
387
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:09,784
Vanessa.
[ sighs ]
388
00:18:09,827 --> 00:18:11,481
Damn it.
389
00:18:26,061 --> 00:18:28,063
I guess the machine's
not broken.
390
00:18:37,028 --> 00:18:38,421
Hey, Nolan.
391
00:18:40,075 --> 00:18:42,991
Oh, my goodness.
Look at you.
392
00:18:43,034 --> 00:18:44,993
[ laughs ]
Yeah, I know.
393
00:18:45,036 --> 00:18:46,951
It's always weird when you
see somebody outside of work.
394
00:18:46,995 --> 00:18:48,649
Yeah.
395
00:18:48,692 --> 00:18:50,520
That's what's weird.
396
00:18:50,564 --> 00:18:53,523
Anyway, I look forward
to seeing you at more
of these parties.
397
00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:55,917
Yeah, well, keep looking.
398
00:18:58,180 --> 00:18:59,877
Great party.
399
00:18:59,921 --> 00:19:01,879
Yup.
400
00:19:03,751 --> 00:19:06,275
You get caught abusing
the store discount, too?
401
00:19:06,319 --> 00:19:08,103
Yup.
402
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,800
Well, I figure it's worth it.
403
00:19:09,844 --> 00:19:11,802
I'm getting so much tail
from chicks
404
00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:14,022
who want free underwear,
it's crazy.
405
00:19:15,763 --> 00:19:17,808
I'm not getting any tail.
406
00:19:17,852 --> 00:19:19,419
Oh.
407
00:19:21,247 --> 00:19:23,292
You look lovely.
408
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:29,037
Charlie!
409
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:30,691
Oh, hey.
410
00:19:30,734 --> 00:19:33,259
I didn't see all of this.
411
00:19:34,825 --> 00:19:36,349
I can explain.
412
00:19:36,392 --> 00:19:38,046
Explain what?
413
00:19:38,089 --> 00:19:40,918
Why would you need to explain
a bed with my face on it?
414
00:19:40,962 --> 00:19:42,833
Who doesn't have
one of those?
415
00:19:42,877 --> 00:19:44,835
I'm not a reporter.
416
00:19:44,879 --> 00:19:47,142
Really?
You don't say.
417
00:19:48,796 --> 00:19:51,886
Don't you recognize
my voice?
418
00:19:51,929 --> 00:19:55,411
Welcome to McDonald's.
Can I take your order?
419
00:19:55,455 --> 00:19:57,848
Holy crap.
420
00:19:57,892 --> 00:20:00,721
You're the girl who gives
me my coffee every morning.
421
00:20:00,764 --> 00:20:02,505
And sometimes
your breakfast sandwich.
422
00:20:02,549 --> 00:20:05,813
And once a strawberry
milk shake and a buttload
of McNuggets.
423
00:20:05,856 --> 00:20:07,945
I think you'd
been up all night.
424
00:20:07,989 --> 00:20:10,034
It was adorable.
425
00:20:11,993 --> 00:20:13,821
Well, it was nice
meeting you.
426
00:20:13,864 --> 00:20:16,519
I'll send you
my new contact info.
I'm moving to Spain.
427
00:20:16,563 --> 00:20:19,261
Or some other country.
428
00:20:19,305 --> 00:20:21,872
Why don't you love me?!
429
00:20:23,265 --> 00:20:26,050
Well, for starters,
there's the screaming.
430
00:20:29,271 --> 00:20:31,273
Look at your line.
431
00:20:31,317 --> 00:20:33,057
It doesn't move.
432
00:20:33,101 --> 00:20:35,408
You self-centered
son of a bitch.
433
00:20:35,451 --> 00:20:36,974
[ sobbing ]
434
00:20:37,018 --> 00:20:40,021
What did I do wrong?
435
00:20:40,064 --> 00:20:42,284
Nothing.
You've done this whole
436
00:20:42,328 --> 00:20:45,896
manic-obsessive crazy
thing absolutely right.
437
00:20:45,940 --> 00:20:48,812
It was classic.
438
00:20:48,856 --> 00:20:51,554
I'm not crazy.
439
00:20:51,598 --> 00:20:53,295
I love you.
440
00:20:53,339 --> 00:20:55,297
And I hope
the coyote eats me
441
00:20:55,341 --> 00:20:58,082
so that you can see
how much you love me, too.
442
00:20:58,126 --> 00:21:00,737
Like you loved the cat.
443
00:21:00,781 --> 00:21:04,437
Vanessa, there was no cat.
444
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,265
There was no coyote.
445
00:21:06,308 --> 00:21:09,311
But there will be
a restraining order.
446
00:21:09,355 --> 00:21:11,966
One quick question.
Do you know where there's
another McDonald's in the area?
447
00:21:12,009 --> 00:21:13,750
What?
448
00:21:13,794 --> 00:21:15,099
You know, they got
those big signs out front.
449
00:21:15,143 --> 00:21:17,014
I'll find one. Good-bye.
33845
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