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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,045 --> 00:00:03,568 So, Ed, my dad said that you and he drove 2 00:00:03,612 --> 00:00:05,309 down to Tijuana for a couple days. Little vacation? 3 00:00:05,353 --> 00:00:08,051 No, I had to get some cheap meds 4 00:00:08,095 --> 00:00:10,053 and your dad always wanted to get his picture taken 5 00:00:10,097 --> 00:00:12,751 on a donkey painted like a zebra. 6 00:00:13,883 --> 00:00:16,494 I started saving for a trip to Mexico. 7 00:00:16,538 --> 00:00:19,236 - They say it's beautiful. - Well, they were wrong. 8 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:22,326 For a country that cranks out nothing but housekeepers, 9 00:00:22,370 --> 00:00:24,111 the place is a mess. 10 00:00:24,154 --> 00:00:27,810 All right, Ed. Put a dollar in the racist jar. 11 00:00:29,986 --> 00:00:31,988 No, no, no. That's the homophobia jar. 12 00:00:33,685 --> 00:00:35,557 That's the sexist jar. 13 00:00:36,949 --> 00:00:38,777 That's the anti-Semitic jar. 14 00:00:38,821 --> 00:00:42,999 You'd think there'd be more dollars in the Jew jar. 15 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:45,610 Well, there are now. Put a dollar in. 16 00:00:49,353 --> 00:00:51,225 So, Nolan, if you're unemployed, 17 00:00:51,268 --> 00:00:52,922 how are you saving money for a trip? 18 00:00:52,965 --> 00:00:55,707 Did you figure out how to sell a vacant stare on eBay? 19 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,929 No, I got a job. I'm working at French Cut. 20 00:00:59,972 --> 00:01:01,887 Nolan, we've been over this. 21 00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:05,282 Loitering in a lingerie store is not the same thing as working there. 22 00:01:05,326 --> 00:01:08,198 No, it's real. I'm a cashier. 23 00:01:08,242 --> 00:01:11,680 Wait a minute. That means you'll get an employee discount. 24 00:01:11,723 --> 00:01:15,118 And a half hour for lunch. 25 00:01:15,162 --> 00:01:17,425 We need to talk. 26 00:01:17,468 --> 00:01:20,254 Is this about the remake of "Tron"? 27 00:01:22,038 --> 00:01:25,998 No. It's about letting me use your employee discount. 28 00:01:26,042 --> 00:01:27,652 Oh. 29 00:01:27,696 --> 00:01:29,611 Can we talk about "Tron" after? 30 00:01:32,004 --> 00:01:34,268 Oh, sorry. I thought session was over. 31 00:01:34,311 --> 00:01:36,139 No, no, come on in. We're just wrapping up. 32 00:01:36,183 --> 00:01:37,662 See you all next Thursday. 33 00:01:37,706 --> 00:01:40,317 Nolan, good luck with the job. 34 00:01:40,361 --> 00:01:42,580 And, Ed, a little tip. It's probably a bad sign 35 00:01:42,624 --> 00:01:44,800 if your pill bottle has a worm at the bottom. 36 00:01:47,890 --> 00:01:51,067 You're here 'cause you got my message about us being in "Psychology Today." 37 00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:53,591 - Pretty great, huh? - Are you kidding? 38 00:01:53,635 --> 00:01:55,941 We can't invite the press to see the study now. 39 00:01:55,985 --> 00:01:57,813 If they don't like what we're doing, 40 00:01:57,856 --> 00:01:59,989 they could destroy our credibility before the results are published. 41 00:02:00,032 --> 00:02:03,079 So are you excited about this or not? 42 00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,386 I've been burned by the press before. 43 00:02:05,429 --> 00:02:07,431 Oh, not that again. You've got to get over it. 44 00:02:07,475 --> 00:02:09,303 That review was a long time ago. 45 00:02:09,346 --> 00:02:12,044 "Lose 20 pounds" is not something 46 00:02:12,088 --> 00:02:14,177 you should say to a nine-year-old ballerina. 47 00:02:15,918 --> 00:02:18,964 Well, don't worry. I had a lovely Skype with Vanessa this morning 48 00:02:19,008 --> 00:02:21,097 and I guarantee this will be a very positive article. 49 00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:24,187 Oh, really? You guarantee it? 50 00:02:24,231 --> 00:02:28,017 Does Vanessa also happen to be an attractive woman? 51 00:02:28,060 --> 00:02:30,193 Define attractive. 52 00:02:30,237 --> 00:02:32,935 - Attractive. - Oh, well, then, yes, she is. 53 00:02:34,719 --> 00:02:37,722 Charlie, if we are going to do this, 54 00:02:37,766 --> 00:02:41,073 it has to be for the good of our careers, not your penis. 55 00:02:41,117 --> 00:02:43,075 Hey, hey, hey. 56 00:02:43,119 --> 00:02:45,948 What's good for our careers is good for my penis. 57 00:02:45,991 --> 00:02:48,385 Oh, come on, Jordan. Let's do this interview. 58 00:02:48,429 --> 00:02:52,084 Okay, fine. But this woman is a professional. 59 00:02:52,128 --> 00:02:54,130 Promise me you'll treat her with respect. 60 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,784 I absolutely will. 61 00:02:55,827 --> 00:02:58,047 When I'm having sex with her, I'll say please and thank you. 62 00:02:58,090 --> 00:03:02,094 - Charlie. - Oh, come on. I'm not stupid. 63 00:03:02,138 --> 00:03:03,618 20 pounds? 64 00:03:03,661 --> 00:03:05,707 How big were you when you were nine? 65 00:03:05,750 --> 00:03:09,189 I was more sugar plum than fairy. 66 00:03:11,756 --> 00:03:14,672 Is it fair to characterize your study as comparing 67 00:03:14,716 --> 00:03:17,022 the happiness of friends with benefits couples 68 00:03:17,066 --> 00:03:19,024 versus traditional monogamous couples? 69 00:03:19,068 --> 00:03:21,201 Yes, exactly. 70 00:03:21,244 --> 00:03:23,725 And if I was to put something in your mouth, 71 00:03:23,768 --> 00:03:25,988 those words would be it. 72 00:03:26,989 --> 00:03:29,078 - Charlie. - What? 73 00:03:29,121 --> 00:03:31,080 Please, continue. 74 00:03:31,123 --> 00:03:35,084 Has working together so closely on a subject like this 75 00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:38,522 ever tempted you to, you know, 76 00:03:38,566 --> 00:03:40,568 take your relationship to the next level? 77 00:03:40,611 --> 00:03:43,875 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 78 00:03:43,919 --> 00:03:45,834 Jordan, if I may. 79 00:03:45,877 --> 00:03:48,097 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 80 00:03:49,316 --> 00:03:51,013 Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. 81 00:03:51,056 --> 00:03:54,364 Yeah, not in the history of the known universe. 82 00:03:54,408 --> 00:03:56,888 Not even if hell froze over. 83 00:03:56,932 --> 00:03:59,935 Beyond the valley of no way. 84 00:03:59,978 --> 00:04:03,460 Not even if he paid for it. 85 00:04:03,504 --> 00:04:06,855 [ sighs ] Not even if I could afford it. 86 00:04:11,686 --> 00:04:15,559 But, for the record, Jordan is a brilliant researcher. 87 00:04:17,692 --> 00:04:19,694 Thank you. 88 00:04:19,737 --> 00:04:23,001 And do not get me started on Charlie. 89 00:04:24,133 --> 00:04:26,266 - Is that it? - Yes. 90 00:04:26,309 --> 00:04:28,485 [ phone chimes ] 91 00:04:28,529 --> 00:04:30,922 Excuse me. 92 00:04:30,966 --> 00:04:33,055 Hello? 93 00:04:33,098 --> 00:04:35,318 Yes, this is she. 94 00:04:35,362 --> 00:04:38,234 Yes, I have a red tabby cat. 95 00:04:39,888 --> 00:04:42,543 Yes, she's been known to attack children. 96 00:04:44,632 --> 00:04:47,112 Oh, my God. I'll be right there. 97 00:04:47,156 --> 00:04:50,072 I'm so sorry. I have to go. 98 00:04:50,115 --> 00:04:52,770 My cat tore up a-- she's sick. 99 00:04:53,902 --> 00:04:54,990 No, it's okay. Go. 100 00:04:55,033 --> 00:04:56,818 We'll keep talking about the study. 101 00:04:56,861 --> 00:04:58,907 And that's all. 102 00:04:58,950 --> 00:05:01,692 Don't worry. We're not gonna talk about you behind your back. 103 00:05:01,736 --> 00:05:03,781 Crazy cat lady. 104 00:05:07,132 --> 00:05:09,918 - So. - So. 105 00:05:10,875 --> 00:05:12,616 The study. 106 00:05:12,660 --> 00:05:16,141 Well, now with Jordan gone, I can confide in you 107 00:05:16,185 --> 00:05:18,883 that I think to write this story, 108 00:05:18,927 --> 00:05:22,234 I'm going to need to experience your methodology firsthand. 109 00:05:22,278 --> 00:05:25,586 So you want to be hooked up to the machine? 110 00:05:25,629 --> 00:05:27,979 Because that is firsthand. 111 00:05:28,023 --> 00:05:30,765 And feel free to use your second hand if needed. 112 00:05:30,808 --> 00:05:33,724 When I did a story on Tibetan monks, 113 00:05:33,768 --> 00:05:35,335 I spent a month in a monastery. 114 00:05:35,378 --> 00:05:36,988 When I did a story on kayaking, 115 00:05:37,032 --> 00:05:38,642 I went down the Colorado River. 116 00:05:38,686 --> 00:05:41,645 When I did a story on gang violence in South Central LA, 117 00:05:41,689 --> 00:05:44,344 I rented a documentary 118 00:05:44,387 --> 00:05:46,433 on gang violence in South Central LA. 119 00:05:47,782 --> 00:05:49,523 I mean, I can hook you up to the machine, 120 00:05:49,566 --> 00:05:51,873 but it won't mean anything unless you're having sex. 121 00:05:51,916 --> 00:05:54,354 I know. 122 00:05:55,746 --> 00:05:57,226 So you gonna bring your boyfriend down here? 123 00:05:57,269 --> 00:05:59,359 I don't have a boyfriend. 124 00:05:59,402 --> 00:06:01,970 And I... 125 00:06:02,013 --> 00:06:04,059 don't have any self-control. 126 00:06:05,190 --> 00:06:07,584 [ theme music playing ] 127 00:06:10,457 --> 00:06:13,198 So this is what everybody in the study has to wear when they have sex? 128 00:06:13,242 --> 00:06:14,548 I don't know what you're talking about. 129 00:06:14,591 --> 00:06:16,245 It's what I always wear when I have sex. 130 00:06:17,681 --> 00:06:19,553 Let me show you how this works. 131 00:06:19,596 --> 00:06:21,903 The machine, that is. I'm sure you know how the rest works. 132 00:06:21,946 --> 00:06:25,428 If you do something that surprises me, I'll let you know. 133 00:06:25,472 --> 00:06:29,432 Now, these register our emotional responses during sex. 134 00:06:29,476 --> 00:06:33,305 And this is the number that identifies which couple we are. 135 00:06:33,349 --> 00:06:36,178 XTC4U? 136 00:06:36,221 --> 00:06:38,354 Totally random. 137 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:41,313 We programmed the computer to have a sense of humor. 138 00:06:41,357 --> 00:06:44,360 It cost a lot, but it was well worth it. 139 00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:47,276 So, are we all hooked up and ready to go? 140 00:06:47,319 --> 00:06:49,452 Well, we're not totally hooked up. 141 00:06:49,496 --> 00:06:52,324 There is one input left. 142 00:06:52,368 --> 00:06:54,544 Oh, yeah? What's that? 143 00:06:55,893 --> 00:06:57,068 This. 144 00:07:01,464 --> 00:07:02,813 All right. 145 00:07:02,857 --> 00:07:06,513 Welcome to the wonderful world of sexual science. 146 00:07:06,556 --> 00:07:09,341 Please keep your arms and legs in the bed at all times. 147 00:07:09,385 --> 00:07:12,127 You can pick up your picture in the gift shop at the end of the ride. 148 00:07:12,170 --> 00:07:15,130 I'm just glad I'm tall enough to ride. 149 00:07:17,393 --> 00:07:20,135 Excuse me. I'm looking for something that says, 150 00:07:20,178 --> 00:07:24,139 "I'm shy until you get two drinks in me, LeBron James." 151 00:07:25,662 --> 00:07:28,012 Lacey, I need to talk to you. 152 00:07:28,056 --> 00:07:30,145 I need to talk to you. What's sexier? 153 00:07:30,188 --> 00:07:33,365 This or this? 154 00:07:33,409 --> 00:07:35,585 I don't know. The only way I can tell 155 00:07:35,629 --> 00:07:39,459 is if I see them on you and then you slowly take them off. 156 00:07:39,502 --> 00:07:42,897 Come talk to me when they're paying you $60 million to play basketball 157 00:07:42,940 --> 00:07:46,378 and you've got a shoe contract and, you know what, just don't talk to me. 158 00:07:46,422 --> 00:07:48,337 Look, Lacey, my boss just told me 159 00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:49,817 the only people who can use my employee discount 160 00:07:49,860 --> 00:07:52,950 are me, family members, or significant others. 161 00:07:52,994 --> 00:07:55,475 And I don't think anyone's going to believe you're me. 162 00:07:55,518 --> 00:07:57,564 So just tell them I'm your sister. 163 00:07:57,607 --> 00:08:00,262 - My girlfriend. - Your half-sister. 164 00:08:00,305 --> 00:08:02,917 - My girlfriend. - Your cousin. 165 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:06,137 Okay, fine, my cousin. But we have sex. 166 00:08:08,357 --> 00:08:10,490 Hey. Sorry about that. 167 00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:14,319 So what happened? Your cat scratched up a kid? 168 00:08:14,363 --> 00:08:15,886 It wasn't the cat's fault. 169 00:08:15,930 --> 00:08:17,366 The kid from next door was eating out of her bowl. 170 00:08:17,409 --> 00:08:20,412 I really need a smaller cat door. 171 00:08:20,456 --> 00:08:22,980 Well, they make that cat food look so delicious on TV. 172 00:08:23,024 --> 00:08:24,547 This was bound to happen. 173 00:08:24,591 --> 00:08:26,984 So how'd it go with the reporter? 174 00:08:27,028 --> 00:08:28,769 Was she in and out pretty quick? 175 00:08:28,812 --> 00:08:30,771 No, I wouldn't put it that way. 176 00:08:30,814 --> 00:08:32,555 But she got what she needed? 177 00:08:32,599 --> 00:08:34,514 Sure sounded that way to me. 178 00:08:36,472 --> 00:08:39,649 Did somebody use the machine? 179 00:08:41,738 --> 00:08:43,566 What? 180 00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:45,350 According to the time stamp, 181 00:08:45,394 --> 00:08:48,223 someone used this machine 45 minutes ago. 182 00:08:48,266 --> 00:08:50,007 I wonder who? 183 00:08:51,313 --> 00:08:53,576 Damn it, Charlie. She's a reporter. 184 00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:55,970 Is there anyone that you don't sleep with? 185 00:08:56,013 --> 00:08:58,189 Yes, there's a whole gender I don't sleep with. 186 00:09:00,365 --> 00:09:02,629 Hey, she started it. What was I supposed to do, say no? 187 00:09:02,672 --> 00:09:06,067 - Yes! - Well, that's just crazy talk. 188 00:09:06,110 --> 00:09:09,984 I can't leave for one hour without you getting into trouble. 189 00:09:10,027 --> 00:09:12,639 - You're worse than Mr. Tubby. - Don't compare me to a cat. 190 00:09:12,682 --> 00:09:15,250 I'm not. That's what I call the kid from next door. 191 00:09:19,994 --> 00:09:21,386 Has she seen this readout yet? 192 00:09:21,430 --> 00:09:23,301 No, she wanted to do this for her story, 193 00:09:23,345 --> 00:09:25,216 so I was gonna show it to her tonight. Why? 194 00:09:25,260 --> 00:09:28,045 Well, according to the activity in her dopamine center, 195 00:09:28,089 --> 00:09:30,047 this woman is in love with you. 196 00:09:30,091 --> 00:09:32,006 Which can only mean one thing. 197 00:09:32,049 --> 00:09:35,139 - What? - The machine is broken. 198 00:09:36,532 --> 00:09:37,968 What are you saying? 199 00:09:38,012 --> 00:09:39,840 That a woman can't fall in love with me after one time? 200 00:09:39,883 --> 00:09:42,059 - No. - Well, you know what? 201 00:09:42,103 --> 00:09:44,801 - You don't know women. - I do know women. 202 00:09:44,845 --> 00:09:47,499 - Oh, really? How? - I'm a woman. 203 00:09:48,413 --> 00:09:50,111 Oh, please. 204 00:09:50,154 --> 00:09:52,461 I am and I know this woman 205 00:09:52,504 --> 00:09:54,550 and I know what she's going to write in her article 206 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,465 after she sees this readout. 207 00:09:56,508 --> 00:10:00,034 That all of our data is faulty and this whole study is a sham. 208 00:10:00,077 --> 00:10:02,427 - This is terrible. - I know. I know. 209 00:10:02,471 --> 00:10:04,386 This study is all you've got. 210 00:10:04,429 --> 00:10:07,258 I've got friends, hobbies, private practice. 211 00:10:07,302 --> 00:10:09,521 You better figure out your next move. I'm out of here. 212 00:10:09,565 --> 00:10:12,307 You are not bailing on this. 213 00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:14,265 What if this happened today? 214 00:10:14,309 --> 00:10:16,137 Is there any way that you could have broken the machine? 215 00:10:16,180 --> 00:10:17,529 Did anything get wet? 216 00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:22,665 The machine, you adolescent pig. 217 00:10:22,709 --> 00:10:25,146 - No. - [ sighs ] 218 00:10:25,189 --> 00:10:28,497 Okay, well, I'll get it checked out. 219 00:10:28,540 --> 00:10:32,414 But in the meantime, don't let her see this readout. 220 00:10:32,457 --> 00:10:34,372 Give her someone else's. Pretend it's hers. 221 00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,375 I can't show her this. 222 00:10:37,419 --> 00:10:40,509 Besides, she knows our number-- XTC4U. 223 00:10:41,684 --> 00:10:43,686 You have got to fix this or we're screwed. 224 00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:45,775 Oh, how typical. 225 00:10:45,819 --> 00:10:48,343 I make a mistake, you get mad at me, 226 00:10:48,386 --> 00:10:51,172 and I'm the one who has to clean things up. 227 00:10:51,215 --> 00:10:54,479 Well, you know what, Jordan? Your name is on that door, too. 228 00:10:54,523 --> 00:10:56,656 It says Gordon. 229 00:10:56,699 --> 00:10:59,702 Oh, yeah? Well, I suppose you're gonna blame that on me, too. 230 00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:01,661 Well, you're the one that gave them the wrong spelling. 231 00:11:01,704 --> 00:11:04,315 And there it is. 232 00:11:07,579 --> 00:11:09,930 It's been really fun hanging out with you today, Lacey. 233 00:11:09,973 --> 00:11:11,279 We're not hanging out. 234 00:11:11,322 --> 00:11:12,802 You bumped into me in the Apple Store, 235 00:11:12,846 --> 00:11:14,543 found out about Nolan's employee discount, 236 00:11:14,586 --> 00:11:16,327 and followed me here. 237 00:11:16,371 --> 00:11:18,852 I know, fun, right? 238 00:11:18,895 --> 00:11:21,245 Hey, Mom, what about this? 239 00:11:21,289 --> 00:11:22,899 - Yes! - Over my dead body. 240 00:11:22,943 --> 00:11:24,292 No way. I'll kill you. 241 00:11:24,335 --> 00:11:27,034 You guys both talked at the same time, 242 00:11:27,077 --> 00:11:28,731 so I'm gonna assume it was my mom that said yes. 243 00:11:28,775 --> 00:11:30,733 - Uh, no. - Come on. 244 00:11:30,777 --> 00:11:33,605 You said you were already wearing push-up bras and thongs at my age. 245 00:11:33,649 --> 00:11:36,957 That's because I was rebelling against conservative parents. 246 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,436 If you want to rebel against me, 247 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:39,916 you're gonna have to do something crazy 248 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:41,875 like wear granny panties 249 00:11:41,918 --> 00:11:44,529 and not sleep with all the guys at Spencer's Gifts. 250 00:11:46,096 --> 00:11:48,925 Uh-oh. All right, guys, give me all your stuff. 251 00:11:48,969 --> 00:11:50,710 If I don't leave in five minutes, 252 00:11:50,753 --> 00:11:53,016 I'm gonna be two and a half hours late for lunch with my mom. 253 00:11:55,802 --> 00:11:57,760 - Here. I want these. - Hello, cousin, 254 00:11:57,804 --> 00:12:00,415 who qualifies for my employee discount. 255 00:12:00,458 --> 00:12:02,983 Kiss me. My boss is watching. 256 00:12:03,026 --> 00:12:05,028 We're not cousins who have sex. 257 00:12:05,072 --> 00:12:08,292 Just because society doesn't understand our love 258 00:12:08,336 --> 00:12:10,468 does not mean it's not real. 259 00:12:13,471 --> 00:12:15,082 How's it going, Nolan? 260 00:12:15,125 --> 00:12:16,910 Oh, fine. 261 00:12:16,953 --> 00:12:19,173 Just ringing up some more clothes for my cousin. 262 00:12:19,216 --> 00:12:21,871 You've been buying her an awful lot of clothes lately. 263 00:12:21,915 --> 00:12:24,918 You know what they say about women. 264 00:12:26,441 --> 00:12:28,617 Bitches. 265 00:12:30,010 --> 00:12:32,229 You know, I'd like to meet your cousin. 266 00:12:32,273 --> 00:12:35,232 Anyone who can wear a 32B and a 34D 267 00:12:35,276 --> 00:12:37,669 must be very interesting-looking. 268 00:12:37,713 --> 00:12:39,933 Yeah. 269 00:12:39,976 --> 00:12:42,849 She's got a lot of different-sized breasts. 270 00:12:42,892 --> 00:12:44,851 Nolan, what's going on? 271 00:12:44,894 --> 00:12:46,896 Okay, the truth is 272 00:12:46,940 --> 00:12:50,204 this bra is for my cousin. 273 00:12:51,596 --> 00:12:55,600 And this bra is for me. 274 00:12:55,644 --> 00:12:56,993 For you? 275 00:12:57,037 --> 00:12:59,909 That's what I went with. 276 00:13:01,476 --> 00:13:04,218 That's great. I'm a cross-dresser, too. 277 00:13:04,261 --> 00:13:05,872 - You are? - Yes. 278 00:13:05,915 --> 00:13:08,483 No way. 279 00:13:08,526 --> 00:13:10,702 Why else would I work in this place? 280 00:13:10,746 --> 00:13:13,923 Because you're also not Hot Dog on a Stick material? 281 00:13:13,967 --> 00:13:17,622 Anyway, we're having a secret drag party here 282 00:13:17,666 --> 00:13:19,842 tomorrow night with a bunch of my cross-dressing friends. 283 00:13:19,886 --> 00:13:22,889 - You should come. - Oh, I would love to. 284 00:13:22,932 --> 00:13:25,935 But I got to work tomorrow night. 285 00:13:25,979 --> 00:13:27,719 No, you don't. 286 00:13:27,763 --> 00:13:29,678 Right, you're my boss. 287 00:13:29,721 --> 00:13:31,898 You would know that. 288 00:13:33,725 --> 00:13:35,553 Afternoon, gentlemen. 289 00:13:37,077 --> 00:13:40,080 Wayne, I couldn't help noticing that you're holding a bird. 290 00:13:40,123 --> 00:13:42,038 I've always loved birds. 291 00:13:42,082 --> 00:13:44,432 I call her Barbra Streisand. 292 00:13:44,475 --> 00:13:47,000 Because she sings so beautifully? 293 00:13:47,043 --> 00:13:49,959 No, 'cause all the gays love her. 294 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,006 Right? Who's fabulous? 295 00:13:55,095 --> 00:13:57,924 When I retell the story, it'll be because she sings so beautifully. 296 00:13:57,967 --> 00:14:01,144 If I knew we were allowed to have pets in this prison, 297 00:14:01,188 --> 00:14:03,059 I would have brought my pet gun. 298 00:14:03,103 --> 00:14:05,148 And my pet bag of heroin. 299 00:14:05,192 --> 00:14:08,586 Pets aren't allowed in here, Ernesto. 300 00:14:08,630 --> 00:14:10,501 How'd you get the bird in here, Wayne? 301 00:14:10,545 --> 00:14:12,982 Hardest part was getting her past the metal detector. 302 00:14:13,026 --> 00:14:14,897 Why? Birds don't have any metal on them. 303 00:14:14,941 --> 00:14:17,900 No, but they do have little metal bands on their legs 304 00:14:17,944 --> 00:14:21,382 that say, "Property of the San Diego Zoo." 305 00:14:21,425 --> 00:14:23,340 All right, well, let's talk about that. 306 00:14:23,384 --> 00:14:26,213 Machines and how they complicate our lives. Who's got an example? 307 00:14:26,256 --> 00:14:28,911 Ooh, I do. One time I had this wrinkled-up old dollar 308 00:14:28,955 --> 00:14:31,522 and I was trying to shove that bitch up into a Pepsi machine-- 309 00:14:31,566 --> 00:14:33,916 You know what? I'm gonna go first. 310 00:14:35,135 --> 00:14:37,006 There's this really hot reporter. 311 00:14:37,050 --> 00:14:38,790 She's doing an article on my sex study. 312 00:14:38,834 --> 00:14:40,967 So we hooked ourselves up to this EEG machine 313 00:14:41,010 --> 00:14:43,970 that measures love and then we, well, we hooked up. 314 00:14:44,013 --> 00:14:45,928 Ooh! Here we go, here we go. 315 00:14:45,972 --> 00:14:48,104 The meat. Get to the meat, Charlie. 316 00:14:48,148 --> 00:14:50,933 Anyway, the readout said that she loved me, 317 00:14:50,977 --> 00:14:52,282 which can't be true. 318 00:14:52,326 --> 00:14:53,893 When she realizes our data is wrong, 319 00:14:53,936 --> 00:14:55,590 she'll write about it and trash the study. 320 00:14:55,633 --> 00:14:58,767 How many people are you willing to kill to save your study? 321 00:15:00,029 --> 00:15:01,161 None. 322 00:15:01,204 --> 00:15:04,077 All right. I got another idea. 323 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:06,209 The way I see it, can't change the readout 324 00:15:06,253 --> 00:15:08,255 so you got to change the woman. 325 00:15:08,298 --> 00:15:11,649 You got to make her think she's in love with you, she just doesn't know it. 326 00:15:11,693 --> 00:15:14,261 That's a great idea. But how would I do that? 327 00:15:14,304 --> 00:15:16,306 I would say chain her to a basement wall, 328 00:15:16,350 --> 00:15:19,048 but that never worked out for me. 329 00:15:19,092 --> 00:15:21,921 Anybody have any other suggestions? 330 00:15:23,661 --> 00:15:25,576 That don't involve chaining someone to a wall. 331 00:15:28,144 --> 00:15:30,103 Or a toilet. 332 00:15:35,891 --> 00:15:37,806 Coming. 333 00:15:41,114 --> 00:15:43,290 - Hey. - Charlie. 334 00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:45,640 What are you doing here? I thought we were meeting at the restaurant. 335 00:15:45,683 --> 00:15:48,817 Yeah, but I thought it'd be better if we talked about the results in private. 336 00:15:48,860 --> 00:15:51,428 Plus, I wanted to bring you these. 337 00:15:51,472 --> 00:15:54,431 Flowers? Really? That's unexpected. 338 00:15:54,475 --> 00:15:57,478 - Do you like them? - I love them. 339 00:15:57,521 --> 00:16:01,003 But you didn't know you loved them until I brought them to your attention. 340 00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:04,311 - What? - It's okay. 341 00:16:04,354 --> 00:16:06,008 Just because you didn't know you loved something 342 00:16:06,052 --> 00:16:08,358 doesn't make you a bad person. 343 00:16:08,402 --> 00:16:10,491 Why don't we go inside? 344 00:16:14,538 --> 00:16:16,627 - Are you all right? - I am great. 345 00:16:19,065 --> 00:16:20,936 Let me tell you a little story. 346 00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:23,983 A long time ago my ex-wife and I, we had this cat. 347 00:16:24,026 --> 00:16:27,464 And I didn't feel anything for this cat. 348 00:16:27,508 --> 00:16:29,727 Okay. 349 00:16:29,771 --> 00:16:33,470 Then one night a coyote ate that cat 350 00:16:33,514 --> 00:16:35,211 and I was an emotional wreck. 351 00:16:35,255 --> 00:16:37,561 - You know why? - Why? 352 00:16:37,605 --> 00:16:40,260 Because it turns out I loved that cat 353 00:16:40,303 --> 00:16:42,740 and I didn't even know it. I would have known it 354 00:16:42,784 --> 00:16:45,308 if it was hooked up to an EEG and I had sex with it. 355 00:16:47,832 --> 00:16:49,878 All right, I think I get it. 356 00:16:49,921 --> 00:16:51,923 - You do? - Yeah. 357 00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:54,056 I'm the cat and you just found out 358 00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:56,363 that you're in love with me. 359 00:16:56,406 --> 00:16:59,061 No, I'm the cat 360 00:16:59,105 --> 00:17:01,194 and you're in love with me. 361 00:17:01,237 --> 00:17:03,413 Surprise. 362 00:17:03,457 --> 00:17:05,024 I don't know what you're talking about. 363 00:17:05,067 --> 00:17:08,114 Let me just show you the data. 364 00:17:09,941 --> 00:17:11,900 Okay. 365 00:17:11,943 --> 00:17:13,902 Look, this is the readout. 366 00:17:13,945 --> 00:17:15,904 This one's me and this one's you. 367 00:17:15,947 --> 00:17:19,429 Look how high your activity is in your dopamine centers. 368 00:17:19,473 --> 00:17:21,170 Which means I love you? 369 00:17:21,214 --> 00:17:22,911 And you don't even know it. 370 00:17:22,954 --> 00:17:26,088 Isn't science amazing? 371 00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:28,873 Charlie, I really liked having sex with you, 372 00:17:28,917 --> 00:17:32,138 but if you think I'm crazy enough to fall in love with someone I just met, 373 00:17:32,181 --> 00:17:34,444 then you have serious issues. 374 00:17:34,488 --> 00:17:35,924 No, no. No, no. Falling in love with me 375 00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:38,100 without even knowing me is completely normal. 376 00:17:38,144 --> 00:17:40,494 Sometimes it's even easier. 377 00:17:43,410 --> 00:17:45,064 It doesn't make you crazy. 378 00:17:45,107 --> 00:17:47,283 Okay, here's the truth. 379 00:17:47,327 --> 00:17:49,590 Your readout is way off base, 380 00:17:49,633 --> 00:17:52,462 which means your machine and all your data are wrong. 381 00:17:52,506 --> 00:17:55,465 And I would be a terrible reporter if I didn't put that in my article. 382 00:17:55,509 --> 00:17:57,206 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa. 383 00:17:57,250 --> 00:17:59,643 Oh, my gosh. I had it upside down. 384 00:17:59,687 --> 00:18:01,428 I'm in love with you. 385 00:18:01,471 --> 00:18:03,125 [ chuckles ] 386 00:18:03,169 --> 00:18:05,736 I can't deal with this right now. Please leave. 387 00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:09,784 Vanessa. [ sighs ] 388 00:18:09,827 --> 00:18:11,481 Damn it. 389 00:18:26,061 --> 00:18:28,063 I guess the machine's not broken. 390 00:18:37,028 --> 00:18:38,421 Hey, Nolan. 391 00:18:40,075 --> 00:18:42,991 Oh, my goodness. Look at you. 392 00:18:43,034 --> 00:18:44,993 [ laughs ] Yeah, I know. 393 00:18:45,036 --> 00:18:46,951 It's always weird when you see somebody outside of work. 394 00:18:46,995 --> 00:18:48,649 Yeah. 395 00:18:48,692 --> 00:18:50,520 That's what's weird. 396 00:18:50,564 --> 00:18:53,523 Anyway, I look forward to seeing you at more of these parties. 397 00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:55,917 Yeah, well, keep looking. 398 00:18:58,180 --> 00:18:59,877 Great party. 399 00:18:59,921 --> 00:19:01,879 Yup. 400 00:19:03,751 --> 00:19:06,275 You get caught abusing the store discount, too? 401 00:19:06,319 --> 00:19:08,103 Yup. 402 00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,800 Well, I figure it's worth it. 403 00:19:09,844 --> 00:19:11,802 I'm getting so much tail from chicks 404 00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:14,022 who want free underwear, it's crazy. 405 00:19:15,763 --> 00:19:17,808 I'm not getting any tail. 406 00:19:17,852 --> 00:19:19,419 Oh. 407 00:19:21,247 --> 00:19:23,292 You look lovely. 408 00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:29,037 Charlie! 409 00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:30,691 Oh, hey. 410 00:19:30,734 --> 00:19:33,259 I didn't see all of this. 411 00:19:34,825 --> 00:19:36,349 I can explain. 412 00:19:36,392 --> 00:19:38,046 Explain what? 413 00:19:38,089 --> 00:19:40,918 Why would you need to explain a bed with my face on it? 414 00:19:40,962 --> 00:19:42,833 Who doesn't have one of those? 415 00:19:42,877 --> 00:19:44,835 I'm not a reporter. 416 00:19:44,879 --> 00:19:47,142 Really? You don't say. 417 00:19:48,796 --> 00:19:51,886 Don't you recognize my voice? 418 00:19:51,929 --> 00:19:55,411 Welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order? 419 00:19:55,455 --> 00:19:57,848 Holy crap. 420 00:19:57,892 --> 00:20:00,721 You're the girl who gives me my coffee every morning. 421 00:20:00,764 --> 00:20:02,505 And sometimes your breakfast sandwich. 422 00:20:02,549 --> 00:20:05,813 And once a strawberry milk shake and a buttload of McNuggets. 423 00:20:05,856 --> 00:20:07,945 I think you'd been up all night. 424 00:20:07,989 --> 00:20:10,034 It was adorable. 425 00:20:11,993 --> 00:20:13,821 Well, it was nice meeting you. 426 00:20:13,864 --> 00:20:16,519 I'll send you my new contact info. I'm moving to Spain. 427 00:20:16,563 --> 00:20:19,261 Or some other country. 428 00:20:19,305 --> 00:20:21,872 Why don't you love me?! 429 00:20:23,265 --> 00:20:26,050 Well, for starters, there's the screaming. 430 00:20:29,271 --> 00:20:31,273 Look at your line. 431 00:20:31,317 --> 00:20:33,057 It doesn't move. 432 00:20:33,101 --> 00:20:35,408 You self-centered son of a bitch. 433 00:20:35,451 --> 00:20:36,974 [ sobbing ] 434 00:20:37,018 --> 00:20:40,021 What did I do wrong? 435 00:20:40,064 --> 00:20:42,284 Nothing. You've done this whole 436 00:20:42,328 --> 00:20:45,896 manic-obsessive crazy thing absolutely right. 437 00:20:45,940 --> 00:20:48,812 It was classic. 438 00:20:48,856 --> 00:20:51,554 I'm not crazy. 439 00:20:51,598 --> 00:20:53,295 I love you. 440 00:20:53,339 --> 00:20:55,297 And I hope the coyote eats me 441 00:20:55,341 --> 00:20:58,082 so that you can see how much you love me, too. 442 00:20:58,126 --> 00:21:00,737 Like you loved the cat. 443 00:21:00,781 --> 00:21:04,437 Vanessa, there was no cat. 444 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,265 There was no coyote. 445 00:21:06,308 --> 00:21:09,311 But there will be a restraining order. 446 00:21:09,355 --> 00:21:11,966 One quick question. Do you know where there's another McDonald's in the area? 447 00:21:12,009 --> 00:21:13,750 What? 448 00:21:13,794 --> 00:21:15,099 You know, they got those big signs out front. 449 00:21:15,143 --> 00:21:17,014 I'll find one. Good-bye. 33845

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