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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,218 --> 00:00:03,612 - [ laughing ] - Sorry we're late. 2 00:00:03,655 --> 00:00:05,831 Uh, late? We're done. 3 00:00:05,875 --> 00:00:08,138 We were out doing rich person things. 4 00:00:08,182 --> 00:00:12,795 Let me guess-- one of those things was buying dumbass hats. 5 00:00:12,838 --> 00:00:15,537 Don't be silly. We're not gonna waste the millions of dollars 6 00:00:15,580 --> 00:00:18,670 my parents are giving us after we get married on hats. 7 00:00:18,714 --> 00:00:22,283 Yeah, we got one free with every thousand-dollar purchase of scarves. 8 00:00:22,326 --> 00:00:25,808 Plus, I got this stupid fun phone cover, look. 9 00:00:25,851 --> 00:00:28,028 The monkey's beret matches my hat. 10 00:00:28,071 --> 00:00:30,291 [ laughs ] 11 00:00:30,334 --> 00:00:32,554 You're spending money you don't have. 12 00:00:32,597 --> 00:00:35,078 Lacey's parents are gonna find out this whole wedding thing is a scam 13 00:00:35,122 --> 00:00:36,732 and you're not gonna get a penny. 14 00:00:36,775 --> 00:00:38,864 You seem grumpy. 15 00:00:38,908 --> 00:00:41,084 You know what you need? 16 00:00:41,128 --> 00:00:42,825 A hat. 17 00:00:42,868 --> 00:00:45,001 I don't need a hat. 18 00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:48,004 I need a sanity stick so I can give you both a smack upside the head. 19 00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:49,179 Give me the hat. 20 00:00:51,094 --> 00:00:52,965 We're not gonna get caught. 21 00:00:53,009 --> 00:00:54,141 We're too smart. 22 00:00:54,184 --> 00:00:57,187 Plus, Lacey is living with me now 23 00:00:57,231 --> 00:00:59,668 so we look more like a real engaged couple. 24 00:00:59,711 --> 00:01:01,539 Yeah, but he's kicking me out for the weekend 25 00:01:01,583 --> 00:01:03,802 so he can spend time with his new boyfriend. 26 00:01:03,846 --> 00:01:06,370 Worst fiancรฉ ever. 27 00:01:06,414 --> 00:01:09,243 I'm sorry, Andy's upset that I haven't invited him over. 28 00:01:09,286 --> 00:01:12,115 I think he's starting to think I'm hiding something. 29 00:01:12,159 --> 00:01:16,859 Besides, I want our first time together to be in my bed. 30 00:01:17,990 --> 00:01:20,080 You're right-- worst fiancรฉ ever. 31 00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:22,734 All right, thanks, everybody. 32 00:01:22,778 --> 00:01:24,954 See you next Thursday. 33 00:01:24,997 --> 00:01:26,347 Once again, Lacey and Patrick, 34 00:01:26,390 --> 00:01:28,610 huge mistake with the money. 35 00:01:28,653 --> 00:01:31,003 But if you have a scarf that matches this hat, I'll take it. 36 00:01:33,397 --> 00:01:35,486 - Hey, man. - Hey. 37 00:01:35,530 --> 00:01:37,706 You got anything going on? A buddy of mine opened up one of those naked sushi places 38 00:01:37,749 --> 00:01:40,535 where you eat the raw fish off the naked lady. 39 00:01:40,578 --> 00:01:43,059 Wow, that sounds cool. Where is it? 40 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:45,192 Oh, he opened up in that tattoo shop, 41 00:01:45,235 --> 00:01:46,976 the one that got closed down for hep C. 42 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:50,458 You know, I think I'll pass... 43 00:01:50,501 --> 00:01:53,200 but if you can find a pizza place in an old animal shelter, 44 00:01:53,243 --> 00:01:54,592 I'd be down with that. 45 00:01:55,941 --> 00:01:57,552 Charlie, you'll never guess 46 00:01:57,595 --> 00:01:59,728 who I ran into at the Safeway today. 47 00:01:59,771 --> 00:02:01,512 You look so fantastic. 48 00:02:01,556 --> 00:02:04,124 Jump up your own ass and die. 49 00:02:04,167 --> 00:02:07,605 So, I'm at the Safeway. I go to the checkout counter. 50 00:02:07,649 --> 00:02:11,000 Who's the cashier? Mandy Chisholm. 51 00:02:11,043 --> 00:02:12,741 From high school? What the hell is she doing out here? 52 00:02:12,784 --> 00:02:16,179 I don't know. Maybe Ohio passed a no skank law 53 00:02:16,223 --> 00:02:19,226 and they relocated her to Los Angeles. 54 00:02:19,269 --> 00:02:21,010 She's not a skank just because I had sex with her 55 00:02:21,053 --> 00:02:22,751 before I had sex with you. 56 00:02:22,794 --> 00:02:24,056 I don't know what's going on here, 57 00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:26,058 but I am totally on Jen's side. 58 00:02:26,102 --> 00:02:27,973 I politely asked you to die. 59 00:02:28,017 --> 00:02:29,279 You haven't died yet. 60 00:02:30,498 --> 00:02:32,195 Mandy Chisholm isa skank 61 00:02:32,239 --> 00:02:34,110 because I told her I liked you, 62 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:36,025 then she went out and slept with you. 63 00:02:36,068 --> 00:02:38,027 That's when I gave her the nickname 64 00:02:38,070 --> 00:02:40,421 Mandy "No Panties" Chisholm. 65 00:02:41,900 --> 00:02:44,773 So you went Mandy "No Panties," 66 00:02:44,816 --> 00:02:49,473 and you did absolutely nothing with Chisholm? 67 00:02:49,517 --> 00:02:51,083 No, why? 68 00:02:51,127 --> 00:02:53,477 Oh, ew. 69 00:02:53,521 --> 00:02:55,523 Jen, Jen, Jen, you gotta get over it. 70 00:02:55,566 --> 00:02:57,351 Besides, you already got your revenge. 71 00:02:57,394 --> 00:03:00,441 She burned "Mandy Chisholm is a whore" 72 00:03:00,484 --> 00:03:03,095 in giant letters on the football field with kerosene 73 00:03:03,139 --> 00:03:04,575 right before Homecoming. 74 00:03:04,619 --> 00:03:06,447 - Sweet. - Oh, it was a great game. 75 00:03:06,490 --> 00:03:08,057 We kicked the winning field goal 76 00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:11,408 from the "whore-yard" line. 77 00:03:11,452 --> 00:03:13,193 She stole your virginity from me. 78 00:03:13,236 --> 00:03:15,412 We were supposed to lose ours together. 79 00:03:15,456 --> 00:03:17,893 You're right. She did a terrible thing. 80 00:03:17,936 --> 00:03:19,242 How'd she look? 81 00:03:19,286 --> 00:03:21,375 Don't you dare, Charlie. 82 00:03:21,418 --> 00:03:23,159 You promised me in 11th grade 83 00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:24,856 you'd never speak to her again. 84 00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:27,337 - And I won't. - Good. 85 00:03:28,512 --> 00:03:30,993 [ door opens, closes ] 86 00:03:31,036 --> 00:03:32,429 So, we gonna go check this chick out 87 00:03:32,473 --> 00:03:33,996 and see if she's still hot or what? 88 00:03:34,039 --> 00:03:36,912 Oh, come on, dude. I gotta show Jen some respect. 89 00:03:38,609 --> 00:03:41,221 Let's wait till she's out of the driveway. 90 00:03:41,264 --> 00:03:43,310 [ theme music playing ] 91 00:03:46,617 --> 00:03:48,228 Which one is she? 92 00:03:48,271 --> 00:03:49,751 That's her right there. 93 00:03:50,795 --> 00:03:53,711 That-- wow. Dude, she's hot, man. 94 00:03:53,755 --> 00:03:55,278 Are you sure that you don't want to talk to her? 95 00:03:55,322 --> 00:03:57,889 Well, of course I do, but I promised Jen I wouldn't. 96 00:03:59,456 --> 00:04:02,154 Mandy, look, Charlie Goodson. 97 00:04:02,198 --> 00:04:04,635 I didn't promise Jen anything. 98 00:04:04,679 --> 00:04:05,723 Charlie? 99 00:04:05,767 --> 00:04:07,377 [ chuckles ] You son of a bitch. 100 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:13,296 - Mandy, is that you? - Oh, my God, wow. You look great. 101 00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:15,211 - Thank you. So do you. - Thank you. 102 00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:18,127 This used to be my buddy, Sean. 103 00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:20,869 It's so weird because I just saw your wife yesterday. 104 00:04:20,912 --> 00:04:22,653 Oh, really? But she didn't say anything. 105 00:04:22,697 --> 00:04:25,134 - Hmm. - And, by the way, she's my ex-wife. 106 00:04:25,177 --> 00:04:28,224 Oh, good 'cause she was a bitch. 107 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,226 So you were Charlie's first? 108 00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:32,054 - Charlie. - I didn't say a word. 109 00:04:32,097 --> 00:04:34,578 He must have just guessed right. Good guess, Sean. 110 00:04:34,622 --> 00:04:36,754 - [ clears throat ] - No, no, no, it's okay. 111 00:04:36,798 --> 00:04:40,192 I-I-I love that you consider me your first. 112 00:04:40,236 --> 00:04:43,195 That's really sweet. 113 00:04:43,239 --> 00:04:46,764 I mean, yeah, I'm pretty sure that counted. 114 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:52,814 [ stutters ] You're pretty sure? 115 00:04:52,857 --> 00:04:54,772 Why wouldn't it have counted? 116 00:04:54,816 --> 00:04:58,167 Well, you know... I mean, it was fun. 117 00:04:58,210 --> 00:05:00,212 It was just a little, you know, fast. 118 00:05:01,431 --> 00:05:04,695 A little fast? 119 00:05:04,739 --> 00:05:06,523 It was not fast. 120 00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:09,178 I mean, it wasn't any marathon, but it wasn't a 20-yard dash. 121 00:05:09,221 --> 00:05:13,008 All I remember is that the gun went off and it was over. 122 00:05:14,183 --> 00:05:16,577 [ sighs ] That's rough. 123 00:05:18,579 --> 00:05:21,408 With all due respect, I think you're remembering it wrong. 124 00:05:21,451 --> 00:05:22,800 And I don't think you should've slept 125 00:05:22,844 --> 00:05:24,585 with the girl who timed the track team. 126 00:05:24,628 --> 00:05:27,805 - [ sighs ] Brutal stuff. - [ chuckles ] 127 00:05:27,849 --> 00:05:31,243 Uh, listen, I-- yes, I should probably get back to work. 128 00:05:31,287 --> 00:05:32,593 It was really great seeing you. 129 00:05:32,636 --> 00:05:34,769 Oh, yeah, this was awesome. 130 00:05:39,295 --> 00:05:43,081 All right, guys, today I'd like to talk about regrets. 131 00:05:43,125 --> 00:05:44,474 Anybody here ever done something 132 00:05:44,518 --> 00:05:47,390 they wish they could go back in time and correct? 133 00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:49,261 No, Charlie. 134 00:05:49,305 --> 00:05:51,568 We all think it worked out for the best. 135 00:05:54,136 --> 00:05:55,964 I'd like to go back to Monday. 136 00:05:56,007 --> 00:05:58,401 This guy stole my lavender body wash 137 00:05:58,445 --> 00:06:00,403 and I was beating his head against the shower tiles 138 00:06:00,447 --> 00:06:03,711 and I said, "DeAndre, if you yell for the guards, 139 00:06:03,754 --> 00:06:05,930 I'm gonna kill you." 140 00:06:05,974 --> 00:06:09,151 Well, it turns out his name was LeAndre. 141 00:06:09,194 --> 00:06:10,935 Boy, do I regret that. 142 00:06:10,979 --> 00:06:13,068 So embarrassing. 143 00:06:13,111 --> 00:06:14,809 Well, if it's any consolation, 144 00:06:14,852 --> 00:06:18,421 I'm sure he'll get over that very small part of what happened. 145 00:06:20,075 --> 00:06:23,208 Well, a shower beatdown wasn't exactly where I was headed. 146 00:06:23,252 --> 00:06:25,385 Let me give you a little example from my own life. 147 00:06:26,473 --> 00:06:28,126 Back in high school, I knew this girl, 148 00:06:28,170 --> 00:06:32,435 and I really liked her and I wanted to bake her an amazing cake. 149 00:06:32,479 --> 00:06:35,220 But it came out of the oven too soon 150 00:06:35,264 --> 00:06:38,136 and frosting went everywhere. 151 00:06:43,794 --> 00:06:45,796 Ah, I get it. 152 00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:47,319 First time you had sex? 153 00:06:47,363 --> 00:06:49,974 You were a two-pump chump. 154 00:06:50,018 --> 00:06:52,020 Look, I know it's just ego, 155 00:06:52,063 --> 00:06:53,500 but it kills me to know that there's someone out there 156 00:06:53,543 --> 00:06:55,458 that thinks I'm lousy in the sack. 157 00:06:55,502 --> 00:06:56,981 So what's the problem? 158 00:06:57,025 --> 00:07:01,029 Have sex with that cake again and show her who's boss. 159 00:07:01,072 --> 00:07:02,770 The problem is, my ex-wife really hates that cake, 160 00:07:02,813 --> 00:07:04,685 and if she finds out, she'd never speak to me again. 161 00:07:04,728 --> 00:07:06,600 Cleo: You need to take the risk, Charlie. 162 00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:08,906 Otherwise you'll be kicking yourself in that sweet little ass of yours 163 00:07:08,950 --> 00:07:11,518 for the rest of your life. 164 00:07:11,561 --> 00:07:13,084 You're right, you're right. 165 00:07:13,128 --> 00:07:15,870 It is the one blemish in an otherwise-- ahem-- 166 00:07:15,913 --> 00:07:17,872 perfect record. 167 00:07:17,915 --> 00:07:20,527 Don't worry about your ex-wife, Charlie. 168 00:07:20,570 --> 00:07:24,008 I did a lot of things my ex-wife didn't want me to do, 169 00:07:24,052 --> 00:07:25,706 including killing my ex-wife. 170 00:07:27,664 --> 00:07:29,405 I hate having to leave. 171 00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,799 I don't know why you can't just tell Andy about our arrangement. 172 00:07:31,842 --> 00:07:34,410 Because what you and I are doing is completely immoral 173 00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:37,021 and Andy has something called integrity. 174 00:07:37,065 --> 00:07:39,850 I can't believe you're attracted to someone like that. 175 00:07:39,894 --> 00:07:42,331 - I know, right? - [ knock on door ] 176 00:07:44,115 --> 00:07:46,204 Oh, my God. It's your parents. 177 00:07:46,248 --> 00:07:48,511 - What are they doing here? - I don't know. We're screwed. 178 00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:51,035 What are we gonna do? We're supposed to be living together. 179 00:07:51,079 --> 00:07:53,429 Wait. 180 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,039 We are. 181 00:07:55,083 --> 00:07:56,650 Oh. 182 00:07:56,693 --> 00:07:57,912 Then open the door. 183 00:08:03,787 --> 00:08:05,833 - Surprise! - Hi! 184 00:08:05,876 --> 00:08:07,574 Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad. 185 00:08:07,617 --> 00:08:10,620 I think this is your first time in Patrick's apartment, 186 00:08:10,664 --> 00:08:14,232 where we live as an engaged couple. 187 00:08:14,276 --> 00:08:17,105 Hey, Mom, Dad. 188 00:08:17,148 --> 00:08:19,020 After the wedding. 189 00:08:20,195 --> 00:08:22,676 We're sorry to just drop in on you, darling, 190 00:08:22,719 --> 00:08:24,025 but your father had a business meeting here 191 00:08:24,068 --> 00:08:26,070 and it's such a long drive back to San Diego. 192 00:08:26,114 --> 00:08:27,942 Do you mind if we spend the night? 193 00:08:27,985 --> 00:08:29,987 Oh, no problem. 194 00:08:30,031 --> 00:08:31,423 Do you need me to make you reservations? 195 00:08:31,467 --> 00:08:34,601 Any hotel. Where would you like to go? Far away? 196 00:08:34,644 --> 00:08:38,605 We wouldn't think of staying anywhere but with you. 197 00:08:39,823 --> 00:08:42,086 And we wouldn't think of it either. 198 00:08:42,130 --> 00:08:45,350 You've been so generous to us, we'd love to return the favor. 199 00:08:45,394 --> 00:08:48,919 - Right, Patrick? - Sure, we would. 200 00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:51,574 I just have to call my associate 201 00:08:51,618 --> 00:08:54,098 and cancel my business for this evening. 202 00:08:54,142 --> 00:08:56,231 I was hoping to close the deal tonight, 203 00:08:56,274 --> 00:08:59,234 but I guess that can wait. 204 00:08:59,277 --> 00:09:01,105 I'm sure it can. 205 00:09:01,149 --> 00:09:03,934 Now would you please show my father to the guest room? 206 00:09:03,978 --> 00:09:05,675 Don't mind all of my stuff. 207 00:09:05,719 --> 00:09:08,069 I like to use it like a closet. 208 00:09:08,112 --> 00:09:09,940 [ laughs ] You'd think she sleeps in there. 209 00:09:11,115 --> 00:09:13,553 I'm sorry about this, Lacey, 210 00:09:13,596 --> 00:09:16,468 but it was your father's idea to check up on you. 211 00:09:16,512 --> 00:09:18,819 He's worried that you might be marrying Patrick 212 00:09:18,862 --> 00:09:20,385 just for our money. 213 00:09:20,429 --> 00:09:22,083 Money? What money? 214 00:09:22,126 --> 00:09:25,086 I don't even know what money you're talking about. 215 00:09:25,129 --> 00:09:28,959 - The million-dollar gift. - Oh, the million dollars. 216 00:09:29,003 --> 00:09:32,006 That's right. I completely forgot about that. 217 00:09:32,049 --> 00:09:36,401 It's so unnecessary, but we'll take it. 218 00:09:36,445 --> 00:09:38,621 Lacey, my darling. 219 00:09:38,665 --> 00:09:40,623 Wonderful news from your father. 220 00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:42,059 It's not just one night. 221 00:09:42,103 --> 00:09:45,193 They're staying at least a couple of nights. 222 00:09:45,236 --> 00:09:48,065 Our blessings have doubled. 223 00:09:48,109 --> 00:09:51,155 So much so that I think we should celebrate with wine. 224 00:09:51,199 --> 00:09:53,114 Who likes wine? Just me? Okay, then. 225 00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:59,033 And that girl said it was the best sex she'd ever had. 226 00:09:59,076 --> 00:10:01,775 Not just on a train, but anywhere. 227 00:10:01,818 --> 00:10:03,907 That's great. 228 00:10:03,951 --> 00:10:06,388 But I asked you where you live. 229 00:10:06,431 --> 00:10:07,911 - You didn't let me finish. - Mm. 230 00:10:07,955 --> 00:10:10,479 Then I invited her to have sex for hours 231 00:10:10,522 --> 00:10:12,307 at my ranch-style house in the Valley, 232 00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:14,439 which is where I live. 233 00:10:14,483 --> 00:10:17,181 Charlie, you've done nothing 234 00:10:17,225 --> 00:10:20,010 but talk about your sexual prowess since we got here. 235 00:10:20,054 --> 00:10:21,359 That's not true. 236 00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:22,883 I told you I have a beautiful daughter named Sam. 237 00:10:22,926 --> 00:10:25,799 Who you conceived during a marathon slam session. 238 00:10:25,842 --> 00:10:28,671 It was. I mean, it really was. 239 00:10:28,715 --> 00:10:30,934 Sorry about the wait. 240 00:10:30,978 --> 00:10:33,023 Calzone takes a long time. 241 00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:34,938 Just like Charlie here. 242 00:10:36,723 --> 00:10:39,116 You call that being subtle? 243 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:42,206 Sorry, just coming up with that one took me two hours. 244 00:10:42,250 --> 00:10:44,948 Speaking of two hours, Charlie here-- 245 00:10:44,992 --> 00:10:46,646 Thank you, Brett. You can go now. 246 00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:50,867 Okay, look. It just bothers me that you're out there 247 00:10:50,911 --> 00:10:54,088 thinking that I'm Speedy Gonzales or Quick Draw McGraw 248 00:10:54,131 --> 00:10:57,352 or any cartoon character who ejaculates prematurely. 249 00:10:59,397 --> 00:11:01,791 So, what, do you want to have sex again 250 00:11:01,835 --> 00:11:03,314 so you can feel better about yourself? 251 00:11:03,358 --> 00:11:06,883 Yes, thank you. You got it. 252 00:11:06,927 --> 00:11:08,537 It only took me two hours to get you there, 253 00:11:08,580 --> 00:11:10,626 which is a time frame I am completely comfortable with-- 254 00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:11,758 Uh... 255 00:11:11,801 --> 00:11:12,976 - enough. - Sorry. 256 00:11:13,020 --> 00:11:14,456 I'll do it. 257 00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:16,284 I-I'm sorry, what? 258 00:11:16,327 --> 00:11:17,981 I'm still pretty easy. 259 00:11:18,025 --> 00:11:19,156 Well, this is great. 260 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:21,332 But you have to do something for me. 261 00:11:21,376 --> 00:11:24,074 Oh, I'll do it all for you all night long. 262 00:11:24,118 --> 00:11:26,381 I want an apology from Jen 263 00:11:26,424 --> 00:11:28,165 for that little stunt on the football field. 264 00:11:28,209 --> 00:11:30,080 Oh, come on. Nobody remembers that. 265 00:11:30,124 --> 00:11:33,605 Everyone called me a whore at our 20th reunion. 266 00:11:33,649 --> 00:11:36,783 Well, you just said yourself you're easy. 267 00:11:36,826 --> 00:11:40,090 I get an apology, you get your do-over. 268 00:11:40,134 --> 00:11:42,310 Okay, fine. You got it. 269 00:11:42,353 --> 00:11:44,181 Just don't be this bossy in bed. 270 00:11:44,225 --> 00:11:46,488 It gets me a little too excited. 271 00:11:50,274 --> 00:11:51,972 Oh, come on, Jen. It's just one little apology. 272 00:11:52,015 --> 00:11:55,584 No way. I can't believe you went down there and saw her. 273 00:11:55,627 --> 00:11:58,543 Jen, Jen, this woman has moved all over the country 274 00:11:58,587 --> 00:12:01,242 looking for a shred of happiness, 275 00:12:01,285 --> 00:12:02,852 and I believe, as a therapist, 276 00:12:02,896 --> 00:12:06,551 that her problem can be solved by you saying two little words. 277 00:12:06,595 --> 00:12:08,640 Oh, I've got two little words for her. 278 00:12:08,684 --> 00:12:11,513 [ sighs ] Not those words. 279 00:12:11,556 --> 00:12:13,776 Just say, "I'm sorry." 280 00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:17,649 Why do you care so much about this grocery sto' ho? 281 00:12:17,693 --> 00:12:19,826 Because I'm a therapist. 282 00:12:19,869 --> 00:12:22,263 A fireman can't drive past a fire. 283 00:12:22,306 --> 00:12:24,439 A doctor can't drive past a car wreck. 284 00:12:24,482 --> 00:12:26,484 Well, I can't drive past 285 00:12:26,528 --> 00:12:29,792 a sad grocery store ho. 286 00:12:29,836 --> 00:12:31,533 Fine. 287 00:12:31,576 --> 00:12:33,796 Thank you. 288 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:37,626 If you fill Sean's car with manure. 289 00:12:37,669 --> 00:12:40,542 You've got to be kidding me. 290 00:12:40,585 --> 00:12:43,632 Poo? Caca? Doo-doo? 291 00:12:44,894 --> 00:12:47,505 That guy cheated on me, then he lied about it. 292 00:12:47,549 --> 00:12:50,117 He's full of crap, so I want his car to be, too. 293 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,119 I want it full, I want it stinking. 294 00:12:52,162 --> 00:12:54,556 I want to smell it from here. 295 00:12:54,599 --> 00:12:57,167 All right, fine. I'll do it. 296 00:12:57,211 --> 00:12:58,821 Good. 297 00:12:58,865 --> 00:13:02,477 When I get a picture of his car filled with fertilizer, 298 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:05,001 I'll go down and apologize to the grocery ho. 299 00:13:05,045 --> 00:13:07,351 Oh, great. Great. 300 00:13:07,395 --> 00:13:09,963 Remember, just try to make it seem like it's heartfelt. 301 00:13:10,006 --> 00:13:12,835 Oh, and her name's Mandy, not Grocery Ho. 302 00:13:15,055 --> 00:13:16,708 Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad. 303 00:13:16,752 --> 00:13:18,580 Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad. 304 00:13:18,623 --> 00:13:20,147 Father: Don't do that. 305 00:13:21,452 --> 00:13:22,714 [ sighs ] 306 00:13:22,758 --> 00:13:24,760 - They're onto us. - What? 307 00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:28,198 My mom just told me my dad thinks we're doing this for the money. 308 00:13:28,242 --> 00:13:30,505 Okay, tomorrow morning at breakfast, 309 00:13:30,548 --> 00:13:33,160 I will make you a stack of heart-shaped pancakes 310 00:13:33,203 --> 00:13:34,944 with a bacon arrow right through it, 311 00:13:34,988 --> 00:13:38,513 and then I will slap you on the butt and call you my woman. 312 00:13:38,556 --> 00:13:40,863 No, we've got to do something drastic right now. 313 00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:44,040 - Grab the headboard. - What? No, you grab the headboard. 314 00:13:44,084 --> 00:13:45,868 Wait, what are we about to do? 315 00:13:45,912 --> 00:13:48,131 We're gonna grab the headboard 316 00:13:48,175 --> 00:13:50,351 and make it sound like we're having sex. 317 00:13:50,394 --> 00:13:51,569 Good idea. 318 00:13:55,704 --> 00:13:57,227 [ creaking ] 319 00:14:01,623 --> 00:14:03,146 I thought you loved me. What is that? 320 00:14:03,190 --> 00:14:04,931 I'm just warming you up. 321 00:14:04,974 --> 00:14:07,237 I'm not an animal. What do you want? 322 00:14:07,281 --> 00:14:09,892 [ thudding ] 323 00:14:09,936 --> 00:14:11,676 That's how you have sex? 324 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,678 Right out of the gate? What is wrong with you? 325 00:14:13,722 --> 00:14:17,639 I've been thinking about it all day! 326 00:14:17,682 --> 00:14:19,597 You're such a man! 327 00:14:19,641 --> 00:14:21,382 You know what? You're right, I am. 328 00:14:21,425 --> 00:14:23,732 [ thudding increases ] 329 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,519 Are you satisfied? 330 00:14:31,348 --> 00:14:33,655 [ phone chimes ] 331 00:14:37,093 --> 00:14:38,747 Who's Andy? 332 00:14:42,316 --> 00:14:45,623 Lacey, come out here right now! 333 00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:47,756 Lacey: I can't, Mom. We're making love. 334 00:14:47,799 --> 00:14:49,627 Now! 335 00:14:49,671 --> 00:14:53,501 Well, I guess you don't want a grandbaby. What's up? 336 00:14:53,544 --> 00:14:55,242 Look what I found. 337 00:14:55,285 --> 00:14:58,593 A lascivious text message to you from someone named Andy. 338 00:14:58,636 --> 00:15:00,638 Andy? That's not-- [ gasps ] 339 00:15:00,682 --> 00:15:03,467 Integrity Andy. Oh, no. 340 00:15:03,511 --> 00:15:07,994 You found a message tome from Andy on myphone? 341 00:15:08,037 --> 00:15:10,648 How stupid are you that you would ruin 342 00:15:10,692 --> 00:15:12,868 a chance to marry this wonderful man, 343 00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:17,394 who sounds like he loves you very much, 344 00:15:17,438 --> 00:15:20,876 but probably needs to learn a little something about patience? 345 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,574 What's going on? 346 00:15:25,489 --> 00:15:27,448 My mom found myphone. 347 00:15:27,491 --> 00:15:30,364 - But that's-- - My phone, yes. Keep up. 348 00:15:30,407 --> 00:15:34,498 And she read this text message to me 349 00:15:34,542 --> 00:15:37,023 from a man named Andy. 350 00:15:38,415 --> 00:15:40,330 "This is crazy. I need to see you again. 351 00:15:40,374 --> 00:15:43,464 I miss your body. I miss your lips. 352 00:15:43,507 --> 00:15:46,510 I want you so bad." Aw. 353 00:15:46,554 --> 00:15:49,252 Oh-- oh. 354 00:15:49,296 --> 00:15:52,168 I'm so sorry, Patrick, but as you can see, 355 00:15:52,212 --> 00:15:55,606 I've been sleeping with a man named Andy. 356 00:15:57,782 --> 00:16:01,134 You know what? Not a big deal. I'm gonna let it slide. 357 00:16:01,177 --> 00:16:03,005 - You're not angry? - Yeah, you should be angry. 358 00:16:03,049 --> 00:16:06,574 Oh, of course I'm angry. That's a much more realistic reaction. 359 00:16:06,617 --> 00:16:09,011 How dare you? 360 00:16:09,055 --> 00:16:10,534 [ knock on door ] 361 00:16:10,578 --> 00:16:13,233 Hello, it's Andy. We need to talk. 362 00:16:13,276 --> 00:16:16,584 Your lover is here? I'll give him a piece of my mind. 363 00:16:16,627 --> 00:16:19,239 No, you stay right there. 364 00:16:19,282 --> 00:16:21,371 I'll handle this like a man. 365 00:16:21,415 --> 00:16:24,374 Like an angry, angry man. 366 00:16:24,418 --> 00:16:26,855 This may take a while. 367 00:16:29,336 --> 00:16:31,251 What is going on? 368 00:16:31,294 --> 00:16:34,297 I can't tell you right now, but if you love me, you will scream, "Ow." 369 00:16:34,341 --> 00:16:36,647 - Ow! - You love me. 370 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:40,695 Dude. 371 00:16:43,698 --> 00:16:47,006 What the hell are you doing? 372 00:16:47,049 --> 00:16:49,530 What the hell are you doing up at 6:00 in the morning? 373 00:16:49,573 --> 00:16:53,316 I manage a strip club. I got home, like, an hour ago. 374 00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:54,970 Look, I am really tired. 375 00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:57,494 I'm almost done filling your car with cow crap, 376 00:16:57,538 --> 00:17:00,367 so if you could go to bed or something, that'd be great. 377 00:17:01,629 --> 00:17:03,544 Why would you do this? 378 00:17:03,587 --> 00:17:06,068 Look, Mandy said that the only way that she'd sleep with me again 379 00:17:06,112 --> 00:17:08,766 and let me prove myself is if Jen apologized to her. 380 00:17:08,810 --> 00:17:10,507 Jen said the only way she'd apologize to her 381 00:17:10,551 --> 00:17:13,641 is if I filled your car with cow crap 382 00:17:13,684 --> 00:17:15,556 and sent her a picture of it. 383 00:17:15,599 --> 00:17:18,428 So this whole thing's about getting laid? 384 00:17:19,603 --> 00:17:21,431 Cool. 385 00:17:21,475 --> 00:17:24,086 Just help me pack the rest of this in and we'll go out to breakfast. 386 00:17:25,957 --> 00:17:27,481 No. No, no, no. No, no, no. 387 00:17:27,524 --> 00:17:29,657 You know what? There is absolutely only one way 388 00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:32,660 that I don't call the cops on you. 389 00:17:32,703 --> 00:17:35,924 You get Jen to take me back. 390 00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:39,145 Dude, she asked me to fill your car with manure. 391 00:17:39,188 --> 00:17:43,540 Okay, there is absolutely only one other way. 392 00:17:43,584 --> 00:17:47,240 You get Lacey to take down her new website-- 393 00:17:47,283 --> 00:17:51,461 SeanHealyIsACheatingDouchebag. com... 394 00:17:51,505 --> 00:17:54,073 .net, .gov, and .tv. 395 00:17:54,116 --> 00:17:57,598 I think she's planning a cable station of some kind. 396 00:17:59,252 --> 00:18:01,515 But I need the picture now. Can't you just trust me? 397 00:18:01,558 --> 00:18:04,213 How about you take the picture with my phone, 398 00:18:04,257 --> 00:18:08,087 and when the website is down, I'll send it to you? 399 00:18:08,130 --> 00:18:09,566 - Fine. - All right. 400 00:18:09,610 --> 00:18:11,046 Okay, I just need to get one of you 401 00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,526 standing in front of the car looking bummed out. 402 00:18:12,569 --> 00:18:14,267 Well, I am pretty bummed out. 403 00:18:14,310 --> 00:18:17,357 Perfect. Say, "Crap!" 404 00:18:20,664 --> 00:18:22,405 Well, the good news is my parents bought it, 405 00:18:22,449 --> 00:18:24,538 but they think Patrick's a violent lunatic 406 00:18:24,581 --> 00:18:26,714 who beat up Andy for two hours. 407 00:18:26,757 --> 00:18:29,586 Hey, you mess around with my wife, 408 00:18:29,630 --> 00:18:33,199 you get dinner and a backrub. That's just the way it is. 409 00:18:33,242 --> 00:18:35,157 So, Lacey, you're still planning on cheating your parents 410 00:18:35,201 --> 00:18:36,550 out of a million dollars? 411 00:18:36,593 --> 00:18:38,421 Yeah, so? 412 00:18:38,465 --> 00:18:39,727 Well, I heard you put up a website 413 00:18:39,770 --> 00:18:41,468 to humiliate Sean for cheating on you. 414 00:18:41,511 --> 00:18:44,166 Yeah, so? 415 00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:45,602 Well, I think it's hypocritical and unhealthy 416 00:18:45,646 --> 00:18:46,690 and you should take it down. 417 00:18:46,734 --> 00:18:49,215 No way. I'm sick of jerks. 418 00:18:49,258 --> 00:18:51,652 Okay, okay. What if I filled up Sean's car with manure 419 00:18:51,695 --> 00:18:53,088 and took a picture of it for you? 420 00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:56,526 That seems really weird, but it works for me. 421 00:18:56,570 --> 00:18:59,747 Ironically, that picture'd be perfect for my website. 422 00:18:59,790 --> 00:19:01,531 So, we have a deal? 423 00:19:01,575 --> 00:19:03,229 I want one more thing. 424 00:19:03,272 --> 00:19:06,449 I want you to make Ed stop reporting me to the immigration service. 425 00:19:06,493 --> 00:19:10,018 I'm a citizen, you crazy old man! 426 00:19:10,061 --> 00:19:12,629 Why don't we let the government decide that? 427 00:19:14,675 --> 00:19:16,720 - Ed... - Oh, all right. 428 00:19:16,764 --> 00:19:18,461 But you've got to make Patrick 429 00:19:18,505 --> 00:19:22,335 quit telling the Social Security people that I'm dead. 430 00:19:22,378 --> 00:19:24,815 Why don't we let the government decide that? 431 00:19:25,860 --> 00:19:27,775 - Patrick... - Damn it, okay. 432 00:19:27,818 --> 00:19:30,473 But you have to tell Nolan to blow his nose. 433 00:19:30,517 --> 00:19:33,868 It's whistling so much he sounds like a traffic cop. 434 00:19:33,911 --> 00:19:36,000 If you blow your nose too much, 435 00:19:36,044 --> 00:19:38,916 it irritates the mucus membranes and then your sinuses can swell 436 00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:43,094 until they grow into your brain and you die. 437 00:19:43,138 --> 00:19:46,489 But I'll do it if you can make Lacey let me brush her hair. 438 00:19:46,533 --> 00:19:49,013 I have a brush. 439 00:19:50,537 --> 00:19:52,539 Lacey? 440 00:19:52,582 --> 00:19:55,019 Fine, but I better get that picture. 441 00:19:55,063 --> 00:19:56,543 You will. 442 00:19:56,586 --> 00:19:58,632 So, everybody, do we have a deal? 443 00:19:58,675 --> 00:19:59,502 - Yeah. - Sure. 444 00:19:59,546 --> 00:20:00,721 - Yeah. - Mm. 445 00:20:00,764 --> 00:20:02,766 All right, I'm getting laid. 446 00:20:05,421 --> 00:20:06,857 [ knocks ] 447 00:20:07,989 --> 00:20:09,730 - Hi. - Hey. 448 00:20:09,773 --> 00:20:11,645 You came early. 449 00:20:11,688 --> 00:20:13,647 Well, I guess it was your turn. 450 00:20:13,690 --> 00:20:15,736 Charlie, you're going to hate me, 451 00:20:15,779 --> 00:20:17,694 but I'm on my way to the airport. 452 00:20:17,738 --> 00:20:19,130 What? Why? 453 00:20:19,174 --> 00:20:21,437 After Jennifer apologized, 454 00:20:21,481 --> 00:20:24,048 I realized that I've been moving all over the country 455 00:20:24,092 --> 00:20:27,487 looking for a shred of happiness, 456 00:20:27,530 --> 00:20:29,750 and now that Jen and I have made our peace, 457 00:20:29,793 --> 00:20:32,187 I feel like I can go home again. 458 00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:35,495 Do you have any idea what I went through to make this happen? 459 00:20:35,538 --> 00:20:37,453 Immigration was called, 460 00:20:37,497 --> 00:20:41,327 hair was brushed, noses were blown. 461 00:20:41,370 --> 00:20:44,504 Okay, I don't understand any of that, 462 00:20:44,547 --> 00:20:46,897 but I have to go. 463 00:20:46,941 --> 00:20:49,596 Wait, wait, wait. 464 00:20:49,639 --> 00:20:52,425 Exactly how long is this flight to Ohio? 465 00:20:52,468 --> 00:20:55,689 Uh, I don't know. About four hours. 466 00:20:57,299 --> 00:21:01,085 Mandy: Wow, that was amazing. 467 00:21:01,129 --> 00:21:04,437 So much better than in my parents' den. 468 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,439 Charlie: Wait, wait, wait, den? 469 00:21:06,482 --> 00:21:08,571 We did it in your sister's bed. 470 00:21:08,615 --> 00:21:10,181 Mandy: Really? 471 00:21:10,225 --> 00:21:12,793 [ Mandy gasps ] Oh, my God, you're right. 472 00:21:12,836 --> 00:21:16,405 Kyle was the one who was fast. 473 00:21:16,449 --> 00:21:18,320 You were great. 35789

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