All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E43.Charlie.Loses.His.Virginity.Again.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

- [ laughing ]
- Sorry we're late.

Uh, late?
We're done.

We were out doing
rich person things.

Let me guess--
one of those things
was buying dumbass hats.

Don't be silly.
We're not gonna waste
the millions of dollars

my parents are
giving us after we
get married on hats.

Yeah, we got one free
with every thousand-dollar
purchase of scarves.

Plus, I got this stupid
fun phone cover, look.

The monkey's beret
matches my hat.

[ laughs ]

You're spending money
you don't have.

Lacey's parents are gonna
find out this whole wedding
thing is a scam

and you're not gonna
get a penny.

You seem grumpy.

You know what you need?

A hat.

I don't need a hat.

I need a sanity stick
so I can give you both
a smack upside the head.

Give me the hat.

We're not gonna
get caught.

We're too smart.

Plus, Lacey is
living with me now

so we look more like
a real engaged couple.

Yeah, but he's kicking
me out for the weekend

so he can spend time
with his new boyfriend.

Worst fiancé ever.

I'm sorry, Andy's upset
that I haven't invited
him over.

I think he's starting
to think I'm hiding
something.

Besides, I want our
first time together
to be in my bed.

You're right--
worst fiancé ever.

All right,
thanks, everybody.

See you next Thursday.

Once again,
Lacey and Patrick,

huge mistake
with the money.

But if you have a scarf
that matches this hat,
I'll take it.

- Hey, man.
- Hey.

You got anything going on?
A buddy of mine opened up one
of those naked sushi places

where you eat the raw fish
off the naked lady.

Wow, that sounds cool.
Where is it?

Oh, he opened up
in that tattoo shop,

the one that got
closed down for hep C.

You know,
I think I'll pass...

but if you can find
a pizza place in an old
animal shelter,

I'd be down with that.

Charlie, you'll never guess

who I ran into
at the Safeway today.

You look so fantastic.

Jump up your own ass
and die.

So, I'm at the Safeway.
I go to the checkout counter.

Who's the cashier?
Mandy Chisholm.

From high school?
What the hell is she
doing out here?

I don't know.
Maybe Ohio passed
a no skank law

and they relocated her
to Los Angeles.

She's not a skank
just because I had
sex with her

before I had sex
with you.

I don't know
what's going on here,

but I am totally
on Jen's side.

I politely
asked you to die.

You haven't died yet.

Mandy Chisholm isa skank

because I told her
I liked you,

then she went out
and slept with you.

That's when
I gave her the nickname

Mandy "No Panties"
Chisholm.

So you went
Mandy "No Panties,"

and you did absolutely
nothing with Chisholm?

No, why?

Oh, ew.

Jen, Jen, Jen,
you gotta get over it.

Besides, you already
got your revenge.

She burned "Mandy
Chisholm is a whore"

in giant letters
on the football field
with kerosene

right before
Homecoming.

- Sweet.
- Oh, it was a great game.

We kicked
the winning field goal

from the "whore-yard" line.

She stole
your virginity from me.

We were supposed
to lose ours together.

You're right.
She did a terrible thing.

How'd she look?

Don't you dare, Charlie.

You promised me
in 11th grade

you'd never
speak to her again.

- And I won't.
- Good.

[ door opens, closes ]

So, we gonna go
check this chick out

and see if she's
still hot or what?

Oh, come on, dude.
I gotta show Jen
some respect.

Let's wait till
she's out of the driveway.

[ theme music playing ]

Which one is she?

That's her right there.

That-- wow.
Dude, she's hot, man.

Are you sure that
you don't want to
talk to her?

Well, of course I do,
but I promised Jen
I wouldn't.

Mandy, look,
Charlie Goodson.

I didn't
promise Jen anything.

Charlie?

[ chuckles ]
You son of a bitch.

- Mandy, is that you?
- Oh, my God, wow.
You look great.

- Thank you. So do you.
- Thank you.

This used to be
my buddy, Sean.

It's so weird
because I just saw
your wife yesterday.

Oh, really?
But she didn't
say anything.

- Hmm.
- And, by the way,
she's my ex-wife.

Oh, good 'cause
she was a bitch.

So you were
Charlie's first?

- Charlie.
- I didn't say a word.

He must have
just guessed right.
Good guess, Sean.

- [ clears throat ]
- No, no, no, it's okay.

I-I-I love that you
consider me your first.

That's really sweet.

I mean, yeah,
I'm pretty sure
that counted.

[ stutters ]
You're pretty sure?

Why wouldn't it
have counted?

Well, you know...
I mean, it was fun.

It was just a little,
you know, fast.

A little fast?

It was not fast.

I mean, it wasn't any marathon,
but it wasn't a 20-yard dash.

All I remember is that
the gun went off
and it was over.

[ sighs ]
That's rough.

With all due respect,
I think you're remembering
it wrong.

And I don't think
you should've slept

with the girl who timed
the track team.

- [ sighs ] Brutal stuff.
- [ chuckles ]

Uh, listen, I-- yes,
I should probably
get back to work.

It was really great
seeing you.

Oh, yeah,
this was awesome.

All right, guys,
today I'd like to
talk about regrets.

Anybody here
ever done something

they wish they could
go back in time and correct?

No, Charlie.

We all think it worked out
for the best.

I'd like to go back
to Monday.

This guy stole
my lavender body wash

and I was beating his head
against the shower tiles

and I said, "DeAndre,
if you yell for the guards,

I'm gonna kill you."

Well, it turns out
his name was LeAndre.

Boy, do I regret that.

So embarrassing.

Well, if it's
any consolation,

I'm sure he'll get over
that very small part
of what happened.

Well, a shower beatdown
wasn't exactly where
I was headed.

Let me give you
a little example
from my own life.

Back in high school,
I knew this girl,

and I really liked her
and I wanted to bake her
an amazing cake.

But it came
out of the oven too soon

and frosting
went everywhere.

Ah, I get it.

First time you had sex?

You were a two-pump chump.

Look, I know it's just ego,

but it kills me to know
that there's someone out there

that thinks
I'm lousy in the sack.

So what's the problem?

Have sex with that cake again
and show her who's boss.

The problem is, my ex-wife
really hates that cake,

and if she finds out,
she'd never speak to me again.

Cleo:
You need to take
the risk, Charlie.

Otherwise you'll be
kicking yourself in that
sweet little ass of yours

for the rest
of your life.

You're right,
you're right.

It is the one blemish
in an otherwise-- ahem--

perfect record.

Don't worry about
your ex-wife, Charlie.

I did a lot of things
my ex-wife didn't want me to do,

including killing
my ex-wife.

I hate having to leave.

I don't know why you
can't just tell Andy
about our arrangement.

Because what you
and I are doing is
completely immoral

and Andy has something
called integrity.

I can't believe
you're attracted
to someone like that.

- I know, right?
- [ knock on door ]

Oh, my God.
It's your parents.

- What are they doing here?
- I don't know. We're screwed.

What are we gonna do?
We're supposed to be
living together.

Wait.

We are.

Oh.

Then open the door.

- Surprise!
- Hi!

Hey, Mom.
Hey, Dad.

I think this is
your first time in
Patrick's apartment,

where we live
as an engaged couple.

Hey, Mom, Dad.

After the wedding.

We're sorry to just
drop in on you, darling,

but your father had
a business meeting here

and it's such a long drive
back to San Diego.

Do you mind if we
spend the night?

Oh, no problem.

Do you need me
to make you reservations?

Any hotel.
Where would you like
to go? Far away?

We wouldn't think
of staying anywhere
but with you.

And we wouldn't
think of it either.

You've been so generous
to us, we'd love to
return the favor.

- Right, Patrick?
- Sure, we would.

I just have to
call my associate

and cancel my business
for this evening.

I was hoping to
close the deal tonight,

but I guess that can wait.

I'm sure it can.

Now would you
please show my father
to the guest room?

Don't mind
all of my stuff.

I like to use it
like a closet.

[ laughs ]
You'd think she
sleeps in there.

I'm sorry
about this, Lacey,

but it was your father's
idea to check up on you.

He's worried that you
might be marrying Patrick

just for our money.

Money? What money?

I don't even know what
money you're talking about.

- The million-dollar gift.
- Oh, the million dollars.

That's right.
I completely forgot
about that.

It's so unnecessary,
but we'll take it.

Lacey, my darling.

Wonderful news
from your father.

It's not just one night.

They're staying at least
a couple of nights.

Our blessings
have doubled.

So much so that I think
we should celebrate
with wine.

Who likes wine?
Just me? Okay, then.

And that girl said
it was the best sex
she'd ever had.

Not just on a train,
but anywhere.

That's great.

But I asked you
where you live.

- You didn't
let me finish.
- Mm.

Then I invited her
to have sex for hours

at my ranch-style house
in the Valley,

which is
where I live.

Charlie, you've
done nothing

but talk about
your sexual prowess
since we got here.

That's not true.

I told you I have
a beautiful daughter
named Sam.

Who you conceived
during a marathon
slam session.

It was.
I mean, it really was.

Sorry about the wait.

Calzone takes a long time.

Just like Charlie here.

You call that
being subtle?

Sorry, just coming up
with that one took me
two hours.

Speaking of two hours,
Charlie here--

Thank you, Brett.
You can go now.

Okay, look.
It just bothers me
that you're out there

thinking that
I'm Speedy Gonzales
or Quick Draw McGraw

or any cartoon character
who ejaculates prematurely.

So, what, do you want
to have sex again

so you can feel better
about yourself?

Yes, thank you.
You got it.

It only took me two hours
to get you there,

which is a time frame
I am completely
comfortable with--

Uh...

- enough.
- Sorry.

I'll do it.

I-I'm sorry, what?

I'm still
pretty easy.

Well, this is great.

But you have to do
something for me.

Oh, I'll do it all
for you all night long.

I want an apology
from Jen

for that little stunt
on the football field.

Oh, come on.
Nobody remembers that.

Everyone called me a whore
at our 20th reunion.

Well, you just
said yourself
you're easy.

I get an apology,
you get your do-over.

Okay, fine.
You got it.

Just don't be
this bossy in bed.

It gets me
a little too excited.

Oh, come on, Jen.
It's just one little
apology.

No way.
I can't believe you went
down there and saw her.

Jen, Jen, this woman
has moved all over
the country

looking for a shred
of happiness,

and I believe,
as a therapist,

that her problem
can be solved by you
saying two little words.

Oh, I've got
two little words
for her.

[ sighs ]
Not those words.

Just say,
"I'm sorry."

Why do you care so much
about this grocery sto' ho?

Because I'm a therapist.

A fireman can't
drive past a fire.

A doctor can't
drive past a car wreck.

Well, I can't
drive past

a sad grocery store ho.

Fine.

Thank you.

If you fill Sean's car
with manure.

You've got
to be kidding me.

Poo? Caca? Doo-doo?

That guy cheated on me,
then he lied about it.

He's full of crap,
so I want his car
to be, too.

I want it full,
I want it stinking.

I want to smell it
from here.

All right, fine.
I'll do it.

Good.

When I get a picture
of his car filled
with fertilizer,

I'll go down and apologize
to the grocery ho.

Oh, great.
Great.

Remember, just try
to make it seem like
it's heartfelt.

Oh, and her name's Mandy,
not Grocery Ho.

Good night, Mom.
Good night, Dad.

Good night, Mom.
Good night, Dad.

Father:
Don't do that.

[ sighs ]

- They're onto us.
- What?

My mom just told me
my dad thinks we're
doing this for the money.

Okay, tomorrow morning
at breakfast,

I will make you a stack
of heart-shaped pancakes

with a bacon arrow
right through it,

and then I will slap you
on the butt and call you
my woman.

No, we've got to do
something drastic
right now.

- Grab the headboard.
- What? No, you grab
the headboard.

Wait, what are we
about to do?

We're gonna grab
the headboard

and make it sound
like we're having sex.

Good idea.

[ creaking ]

I thought you loved me.
What is that?

I'm just warming you up.

I'm not an animal.
What do you want?

[ thudding ]

That's how you have sex?

Right out of the gate?
What is wrong with you?

I've been thinking
about it all day!

You're such a man!

You know what?
You're right, I am.

[ thudding increases ]

Are you satisfied?

[ phone chimes ]

Who's Andy?

Lacey, come out here
right now!

Lacey:
I can't, Mom.
We're making love.

Now!

Well, I guess you
don't want a grandbaby.
What's up?

Look what I found.

A lascivious text
message to you from
someone named Andy.

Andy? That's not--
[ gasps ]

Integrity Andy.
Oh, no.

You found a message
tome from Andy
on myphone?

How stupid are you
that you would ruin

a chance to marry
this wonderful man,

who sounds like
he loves you very much,

but probably needs to learn
a little something
about patience?

What's going on?

My mom found myphone.

- But that's--
- My phone, yes. Keep up.

And she read this
text message to me

from a man named Andy.

"This is crazy.
I need to see you again.

I miss your body.
I miss your lips.

I want you so bad."
Aw.

Oh-- oh.

I'm so sorry, Patrick,
but as you can see,

I've been sleeping
with a man named Andy.

You know what?
Not a big deal.
I'm gonna let it slide.

- You're not angry?
- Yeah, you should be angry.

Oh, of course I'm angry.
That's a much more
realistic reaction.

How dare you?

[ knock on door ]

Hello, it's Andy.
We need to talk.

Your lover is here?
I'll give him a piece
of my mind.

No, you stay
right there.

I'll handle this
like a man.

Like an angry,
angry man.

This may
take a while.

What is going on?

I can't tell you right now,
but if you love me,
you will scream, "Ow."

- Ow!
- You love me.

Dude.

What the hell
are you doing?

What the hell are you doing
up at 6:00 in the morning?

I manage a strip club.
I got home, like,
an hour ago.

Look, I am really tired.

I'm almost done
filling your car
with cow crap,

so if you could
go to bed or something,
that'd be great.

Why would you do this?

Look, Mandy said that
the only way that she'd
sleep with me again

and let me prove myself
is if Jen apologized to her.

Jen said the only way
she'd apologize to her

is if I filled your car
with cow crap

and sent her
a picture of it.

So this whole thing's
about getting laid?

Cool.

Just help me pack
the rest of this in
and we'll go out to breakfast.

No. No, no, no.
No, no, no.

You know what?
There is absolutely
only one way

that I don't call
the cops on you.

You get Jen
to take me back.

Dude, she asked me
to fill your car
with manure.

Okay, there is absolutely
only one other way.

You get Lacey to take down
her new website--

SeanHealyIsACheatingDouchebag.
com...

.net, .gov, and .tv.

I think she's planning
a cable station of some kind.

But I need the picture now.
Can't you just trust me?

How about you take
the picture with my phone,

and when the website is down,
I'll send it to you?

- Fine.
- All right.

Okay, I just need
to get one of you

standing in front of the car
looking bummed out.

Well, I am
pretty bummed out.

Perfect.
Say, "Crap!"

Well, the good news
is my parents bought it,

but they think Patrick's
a violent lunatic

who beat up Andy
for two hours.

Hey, you mess around
with my wife,

you get dinner and a backrub.
That's just the way it is.

So, Lacey,
you're still planning
on cheating your parents

out of a million dollars?

Yeah, so?

Well, I heard
you put up a website

to humiliate Sean
for cheating on you.

Yeah, so?

Well, I think it's
hypocritical and unhealthy

and you should
take it down.

No way.
I'm sick of jerks.

Okay, okay.
What if I filled up
Sean's car with manure

and took a picture
of it for you?

That seems really weird,
but it works for me.

Ironically, that picture'd
be perfect for my website.

So, we have a deal?

I want one more thing.

I want you to make Ed
stop reporting me to the
immigration service.

I'm a citizen,
you crazy old man!

Why don't we let
the government decide that?

- Ed...
- Oh, all right.

But you've got
to make Patrick

quit telling
the Social Security people
that I'm dead.

Why don't we let
the government decide that?

- Patrick...
- Damn it, okay.

But you have to tell Nolan
to blow his nose.

It's whistling
so much he sounds like
a traffic cop.

If you blow your nose
too much,

it irritates the mucus
membranes and then your
sinuses can swell

until they grow
into your brain and you die.

But I'll do it
if you can make Lacey
let me brush her hair.

I have a brush.

Lacey?

Fine, but I better
get that picture.

You will.

So, everybody,
do we have a deal?

- Yeah.
- Sure.

- Yeah.
- Mm.

All right,
I'm getting laid.

[ knocks ]

- Hi.
- Hey.

You came early.

Well, I guess
it was your turn.

Charlie, you're
going to hate me,

but I'm on my way
to the airport.

What? Why?

After Jennifer
apologized,

I realized that
I've been moving
all over the country

looking for a shred
of happiness,

and now that Jen
and I have made our peace,

I feel like
I can go home again.

Do you have any idea
what I went through
to make this happen?

Immigration was called,

hair was brushed,
noses were blown.

Okay, I don't understand
any of that,

but I have to go.

Wait, wait, wait.

Exactly how long is
this flight to Ohio?

Uh, I don't know.
About four hours.

Mandy:
Wow, that was amazing.

So much better
than in my parents' den.

Charlie:
Wait, wait, wait, den?

We did it
in your sister's bed.

Mandy: Really?

[ Mandy gasps ]
Oh, my God, you're right.

Kyle was the one
who was fast.

You were great.