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1
00:00:01,218 --> 00:00:03,612
- [ laughing ]
- Sorry we're late.
2
00:00:03,655 --> 00:00:05,831
Uh, late?
We're done.
3
00:00:05,875 --> 00:00:08,138
We were out doing
rich person things.
4
00:00:08,182 --> 00:00:12,795
Let me guess--
one of those things
was buying dumbass hats.
5
00:00:12,838 --> 00:00:15,537
Don't be silly.
We're not gonna waste
the millions of dollars
6
00:00:15,580 --> 00:00:18,670
my parents are
giving us after we
get married on hats.
7
00:00:18,714 --> 00:00:22,283
Yeah, we got one free
with every thousand-dollar
purchase of scarves.
8
00:00:22,326 --> 00:00:25,808
Plus, I got this stupid
fun phone cover, look.
9
00:00:25,851 --> 00:00:28,028
The monkey's beret
matches my hat.
10
00:00:28,071 --> 00:00:30,291
[ laughs ]
11
00:00:30,334 --> 00:00:32,554
You're spending money
you don't have.
12
00:00:32,597 --> 00:00:35,078
Lacey's parents are gonna
find out this whole wedding
thing is a scam
13
00:00:35,122 --> 00:00:36,732
and you're not gonna
get a penny.
14
00:00:36,775 --> 00:00:38,864
You seem grumpy.
15
00:00:38,908 --> 00:00:41,084
You know what you need?
16
00:00:41,128 --> 00:00:42,825
A hat.
17
00:00:42,868 --> 00:00:45,001
I don't need a hat.
18
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:48,004
I need a sanity stick
so I can give you both
a smack upside the head.
19
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:49,179
Give me the hat.
20
00:00:51,094 --> 00:00:52,965
We're not gonna
get caught.
21
00:00:53,009 --> 00:00:54,141
We're too smart.
22
00:00:54,184 --> 00:00:57,187
Plus, Lacey is
living with me now
23
00:00:57,231 --> 00:00:59,668
so we look more like
a real engaged couple.
24
00:00:59,711 --> 00:01:01,539
Yeah, but he's kicking
me out for the weekend
25
00:01:01,583 --> 00:01:03,802
so he can spend time
with his new boyfriend.
26
00:01:03,846 --> 00:01:06,370
Worst fiancรฉ ever.
27
00:01:06,414 --> 00:01:09,243
I'm sorry, Andy's upset
that I haven't invited
him over.
28
00:01:09,286 --> 00:01:12,115
I think he's starting
to think I'm hiding
something.
29
00:01:12,159 --> 00:01:16,859
Besides, I want our
first time together
to be in my bed.
30
00:01:17,990 --> 00:01:20,080
You're right--
worst fiancรฉ ever.
31
00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:22,734
All right,
thanks, everybody.
32
00:01:22,778 --> 00:01:24,954
See you next Thursday.
33
00:01:24,997 --> 00:01:26,347
Once again,
Lacey and Patrick,
34
00:01:26,390 --> 00:01:28,610
huge mistake
with the money.
35
00:01:28,653 --> 00:01:31,003
But if you have a scarf
that matches this hat,
I'll take it.
36
00:01:33,397 --> 00:01:35,486
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
37
00:01:35,530 --> 00:01:37,706
You got anything going on?
A buddy of mine opened up one
of those naked sushi places
38
00:01:37,749 --> 00:01:40,535
where you eat the raw fish
off the naked lady.
39
00:01:40,578 --> 00:01:43,059
Wow, that sounds cool.
Where is it?
40
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:45,192
Oh, he opened up
in that tattoo shop,
41
00:01:45,235 --> 00:01:46,976
the one that got
closed down for hep C.
42
00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:50,458
You know,
I think I'll pass...
43
00:01:50,501 --> 00:01:53,200
but if you can find
a pizza place in an old
animal shelter,
44
00:01:53,243 --> 00:01:54,592
I'd be down with that.
45
00:01:55,941 --> 00:01:57,552
Charlie, you'll never guess
46
00:01:57,595 --> 00:01:59,728
who I ran into
at the Safeway today.
47
00:01:59,771 --> 00:02:01,512
You look so fantastic.
48
00:02:01,556 --> 00:02:04,124
Jump up your own ass
and die.
49
00:02:04,167 --> 00:02:07,605
So, I'm at the Safeway.
I go to the checkout counter.
50
00:02:07,649 --> 00:02:11,000
Who's the cashier?
Mandy Chisholm.
51
00:02:11,043 --> 00:02:12,741
From high school?
What the hell is she
doing out here?
52
00:02:12,784 --> 00:02:16,179
I don't know.
Maybe Ohio passed
a no skank law
53
00:02:16,223 --> 00:02:19,226
and they relocated her
to Los Angeles.
54
00:02:19,269 --> 00:02:21,010
She's not a skank
just because I had
sex with her
55
00:02:21,053 --> 00:02:22,751
before I had sex
with you.
56
00:02:22,794 --> 00:02:24,056
I don't know
what's going on here,
57
00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:26,058
but I am totally
on Jen's side.
58
00:02:26,102 --> 00:02:27,973
I politely
asked you to die.
59
00:02:28,017 --> 00:02:29,279
You haven't died yet.
60
00:02:30,498 --> 00:02:32,195
Mandy Chisholm isa skank
61
00:02:32,239 --> 00:02:34,110
because I told her
I liked you,
62
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:36,025
then she went out
and slept with you.
63
00:02:36,068 --> 00:02:38,027
That's when
I gave her the nickname
64
00:02:38,070 --> 00:02:40,421
Mandy "No Panties"
Chisholm.
65
00:02:41,900 --> 00:02:44,773
So you went
Mandy "No Panties,"
66
00:02:44,816 --> 00:02:49,473
and you did absolutely
nothing with Chisholm?
67
00:02:49,517 --> 00:02:51,083
No, why?
68
00:02:51,127 --> 00:02:53,477
Oh, ew.
69
00:02:53,521 --> 00:02:55,523
Jen, Jen, Jen,
you gotta get over it.
70
00:02:55,566 --> 00:02:57,351
Besides, you already
got your revenge.
71
00:02:57,394 --> 00:03:00,441
She burned "Mandy
Chisholm is a whore"
72
00:03:00,484 --> 00:03:03,095
in giant letters
on the football field
with kerosene
73
00:03:03,139 --> 00:03:04,575
right before
Homecoming.
74
00:03:04,619 --> 00:03:06,447
- Sweet.
- Oh, it was a great game.
75
00:03:06,490 --> 00:03:08,057
We kicked
the winning field goal
76
00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:11,408
from the "whore-yard" line.
77
00:03:11,452 --> 00:03:13,193
She stole
your virginity from me.
78
00:03:13,236 --> 00:03:15,412
We were supposed
to lose ours together.
79
00:03:15,456 --> 00:03:17,893
You're right.
She did a terrible thing.
80
00:03:17,936 --> 00:03:19,242
How'd she look?
81
00:03:19,286 --> 00:03:21,375
Don't you dare, Charlie.
82
00:03:21,418 --> 00:03:23,159
You promised me
in 11th grade
83
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:24,856
you'd never
speak to her again.
84
00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:27,337
- And I won't.
- Good.
85
00:03:28,512 --> 00:03:30,993
[ door opens, closes ]
86
00:03:31,036 --> 00:03:32,429
So, we gonna go
check this chick out
87
00:03:32,473 --> 00:03:33,996
and see if she's
still hot or what?
88
00:03:34,039 --> 00:03:36,912
Oh, come on, dude.
I gotta show Jen
some respect.
89
00:03:38,609 --> 00:03:41,221
Let's wait till
she's out of the driveway.
90
00:03:41,264 --> 00:03:43,310
[ theme music playing ]
91
00:03:46,617 --> 00:03:48,228
Which one is she?
92
00:03:48,271 --> 00:03:49,751
That's her right there.
93
00:03:50,795 --> 00:03:53,711
That-- wow.
Dude, she's hot, man.
94
00:03:53,755 --> 00:03:55,278
Are you sure that
you don't want to
talk to her?
95
00:03:55,322 --> 00:03:57,889
Well, of course I do,
but I promised Jen
I wouldn't.
96
00:03:59,456 --> 00:04:02,154
Mandy, look,
Charlie Goodson.
97
00:04:02,198 --> 00:04:04,635
I didn't
promise Jen anything.
98
00:04:04,679 --> 00:04:05,723
Charlie?
99
00:04:05,767 --> 00:04:07,377
[ chuckles ]
You son of a bitch.
100
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:13,296
- Mandy, is that you?
- Oh, my God, wow.
You look great.
101
00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:15,211
- Thank you. So do you.
- Thank you.
102
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:18,127
This used to be
my buddy, Sean.
103
00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:20,869
It's so weird
because I just saw
your wife yesterday.
104
00:04:20,912 --> 00:04:22,653
Oh, really?
But she didn't
say anything.
105
00:04:22,697 --> 00:04:25,134
- Hmm.
- And, by the way,
she's my ex-wife.
106
00:04:25,177 --> 00:04:28,224
Oh, good 'cause
she was a bitch.
107
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,226
So you were
Charlie's first?
108
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:32,054
- Charlie.
- I didn't say a word.
109
00:04:32,097 --> 00:04:34,578
He must have
just guessed right.
Good guess, Sean.
110
00:04:34,622 --> 00:04:36,754
- [ clears throat ]
- No, no, no, it's okay.
111
00:04:36,798 --> 00:04:40,192
I-I-I love that you
consider me your first.
112
00:04:40,236 --> 00:04:43,195
That's really sweet.
113
00:04:43,239 --> 00:04:46,764
I mean, yeah,
I'm pretty sure
that counted.
114
00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:52,814
[ stutters ]
You're pretty sure?
115
00:04:52,857 --> 00:04:54,772
Why wouldn't it
have counted?
116
00:04:54,816 --> 00:04:58,167
Well, you know...
I mean, it was fun.
117
00:04:58,210 --> 00:05:00,212
It was just a little,
you know, fast.
118
00:05:01,431 --> 00:05:04,695
A little fast?
119
00:05:04,739 --> 00:05:06,523
It was not fast.
120
00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:09,178
I mean, it wasn't any marathon,
but it wasn't a 20-yard dash.
121
00:05:09,221 --> 00:05:13,008
All I remember is that
the gun went off
and it was over.
122
00:05:14,183 --> 00:05:16,577
[ sighs ]
That's rough.
123
00:05:18,579 --> 00:05:21,408
With all due respect,
I think you're remembering
it wrong.
124
00:05:21,451 --> 00:05:22,800
And I don't think
you should've slept
125
00:05:22,844 --> 00:05:24,585
with the girl who timed
the track team.
126
00:05:24,628 --> 00:05:27,805
- [ sighs ] Brutal stuff.
- [ chuckles ]
127
00:05:27,849 --> 00:05:31,243
Uh, listen, I-- yes,
I should probably
get back to work.
128
00:05:31,287 --> 00:05:32,593
It was really great
seeing you.
129
00:05:32,636 --> 00:05:34,769
Oh, yeah,
this was awesome.
130
00:05:39,295 --> 00:05:43,081
All right, guys,
today I'd like to
talk about regrets.
131
00:05:43,125 --> 00:05:44,474
Anybody here
ever done something
132
00:05:44,518 --> 00:05:47,390
they wish they could
go back in time and correct?
133
00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:49,261
No, Charlie.
134
00:05:49,305 --> 00:05:51,568
We all think it worked out
for the best.
135
00:05:54,136 --> 00:05:55,964
I'd like to go back
to Monday.
136
00:05:56,007 --> 00:05:58,401
This guy stole
my lavender body wash
137
00:05:58,445 --> 00:06:00,403
and I was beating his head
against the shower tiles
138
00:06:00,447 --> 00:06:03,711
and I said, "DeAndre,
if you yell for the guards,
139
00:06:03,754 --> 00:06:05,930
I'm gonna kill you."
140
00:06:05,974 --> 00:06:09,151
Well, it turns out
his name was LeAndre.
141
00:06:09,194 --> 00:06:10,935
Boy, do I regret that.
142
00:06:10,979 --> 00:06:13,068
So embarrassing.
143
00:06:13,111 --> 00:06:14,809
Well, if it's
any consolation,
144
00:06:14,852 --> 00:06:18,421
I'm sure he'll get over
that very small part
of what happened.
145
00:06:20,075 --> 00:06:23,208
Well, a shower beatdown
wasn't exactly where
I was headed.
146
00:06:23,252 --> 00:06:25,385
Let me give you
a little example
from my own life.
147
00:06:26,473 --> 00:06:28,126
Back in high school,
I knew this girl,
148
00:06:28,170 --> 00:06:32,435
and I really liked her
and I wanted to bake her
an amazing cake.
149
00:06:32,479 --> 00:06:35,220
But it came
out of the oven too soon
150
00:06:35,264 --> 00:06:38,136
and frosting
went everywhere.
151
00:06:43,794 --> 00:06:45,796
Ah, I get it.
152
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:47,319
First time you had sex?
153
00:06:47,363 --> 00:06:49,974
You were a two-pump chump.
154
00:06:50,018 --> 00:06:52,020
Look, I know it's just ego,
155
00:06:52,063 --> 00:06:53,500
but it kills me to know
that there's someone out there
156
00:06:53,543 --> 00:06:55,458
that thinks
I'm lousy in the sack.
157
00:06:55,502 --> 00:06:56,981
So what's the problem?
158
00:06:57,025 --> 00:07:01,029
Have sex with that cake again
and show her who's boss.
159
00:07:01,072 --> 00:07:02,770
The problem is, my ex-wife
really hates that cake,
160
00:07:02,813 --> 00:07:04,685
and if she finds out,
she'd never speak to me again.
161
00:07:04,728 --> 00:07:06,600
Cleo:
You need to take
the risk, Charlie.
162
00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:08,906
Otherwise you'll be
kicking yourself in that
sweet little ass of yours
163
00:07:08,950 --> 00:07:11,518
for the rest
of your life.
164
00:07:11,561 --> 00:07:13,084
You're right,
you're right.
165
00:07:13,128 --> 00:07:15,870
It is the one blemish
in an otherwise-- ahem--
166
00:07:15,913 --> 00:07:17,872
perfect record.
167
00:07:17,915 --> 00:07:20,527
Don't worry about
your ex-wife, Charlie.
168
00:07:20,570 --> 00:07:24,008
I did a lot of things
my ex-wife didn't want me to do,
169
00:07:24,052 --> 00:07:25,706
including killing
my ex-wife.
170
00:07:27,664 --> 00:07:29,405
I hate having to leave.
171
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,799
I don't know why you
can't just tell Andy
about our arrangement.
172
00:07:31,842 --> 00:07:34,410
Because what you
and I are doing is
completely immoral
173
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:37,021
and Andy has something
called integrity.
174
00:07:37,065 --> 00:07:39,850
I can't believe
you're attracted
to someone like that.
175
00:07:39,894 --> 00:07:42,331
- I know, right?
- [ knock on door ]
176
00:07:44,115 --> 00:07:46,204
Oh, my God.
It's your parents.
177
00:07:46,248 --> 00:07:48,511
- What are they doing here?
- I don't know. We're screwed.
178
00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:51,035
What are we gonna do?
We're supposed to be
living together.
179
00:07:51,079 --> 00:07:53,429
Wait.
180
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,039
We are.
181
00:07:55,083 --> 00:07:56,650
Oh.
182
00:07:56,693 --> 00:07:57,912
Then open the door.
183
00:08:03,787 --> 00:08:05,833
- Surprise!
- Hi!
184
00:08:05,876 --> 00:08:07,574
Hey, Mom.
Hey, Dad.
185
00:08:07,617 --> 00:08:10,620
I think this is
your first time in
Patrick's apartment,
186
00:08:10,664 --> 00:08:14,232
where we live
as an engaged couple.
187
00:08:14,276 --> 00:08:17,105
Hey, Mom, Dad.
188
00:08:17,148 --> 00:08:19,020
After the wedding.
189
00:08:20,195 --> 00:08:22,676
We're sorry to just
drop in on you, darling,
190
00:08:22,719 --> 00:08:24,025
but your father had
a business meeting here
191
00:08:24,068 --> 00:08:26,070
and it's such a long drive
back to San Diego.
192
00:08:26,114 --> 00:08:27,942
Do you mind if we
spend the night?
193
00:08:27,985 --> 00:08:29,987
Oh, no problem.
194
00:08:30,031 --> 00:08:31,423
Do you need me
to make you reservations?
195
00:08:31,467 --> 00:08:34,601
Any hotel.
Where would you like
to go? Far away?
196
00:08:34,644 --> 00:08:38,605
We wouldn't think
of staying anywhere
but with you.
197
00:08:39,823 --> 00:08:42,086
And we wouldn't
think of it either.
198
00:08:42,130 --> 00:08:45,350
You've been so generous
to us, we'd love to
return the favor.
199
00:08:45,394 --> 00:08:48,919
- Right, Patrick?
- Sure, we would.
200
00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:51,574
I just have to
call my associate
201
00:08:51,618 --> 00:08:54,098
and cancel my business
for this evening.
202
00:08:54,142 --> 00:08:56,231
I was hoping to
close the deal tonight,
203
00:08:56,274 --> 00:08:59,234
but I guess that can wait.
204
00:08:59,277 --> 00:09:01,105
I'm sure it can.
205
00:09:01,149 --> 00:09:03,934
Now would you
please show my father
to the guest room?
206
00:09:03,978 --> 00:09:05,675
Don't mind
all of my stuff.
207
00:09:05,719 --> 00:09:08,069
I like to use it
like a closet.
208
00:09:08,112 --> 00:09:09,940
[ laughs ]
You'd think she
sleeps in there.
209
00:09:11,115 --> 00:09:13,553
I'm sorry
about this, Lacey,
210
00:09:13,596 --> 00:09:16,468
but it was your father's
idea to check up on you.
211
00:09:16,512 --> 00:09:18,819
He's worried that you
might be marrying Patrick
212
00:09:18,862 --> 00:09:20,385
just for our money.
213
00:09:20,429 --> 00:09:22,083
Money? What money?
214
00:09:22,126 --> 00:09:25,086
I don't even know what
money you're talking about.
215
00:09:25,129 --> 00:09:28,959
- The million-dollar gift.
- Oh, the million dollars.
216
00:09:29,003 --> 00:09:32,006
That's right.
I completely forgot
about that.
217
00:09:32,049 --> 00:09:36,401
It's so unnecessary,
but we'll take it.
218
00:09:36,445 --> 00:09:38,621
Lacey, my darling.
219
00:09:38,665 --> 00:09:40,623
Wonderful news
from your father.
220
00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:42,059
It's not just one night.
221
00:09:42,103 --> 00:09:45,193
They're staying at least
a couple of nights.
222
00:09:45,236 --> 00:09:48,065
Our blessings
have doubled.
223
00:09:48,109 --> 00:09:51,155
So much so that I think
we should celebrate
with wine.
224
00:09:51,199 --> 00:09:53,114
Who likes wine?
Just me? Okay, then.
225
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:59,033
And that girl said
it was the best sex
she'd ever had.
226
00:09:59,076 --> 00:10:01,775
Not just on a train,
but anywhere.
227
00:10:01,818 --> 00:10:03,907
That's great.
228
00:10:03,951 --> 00:10:06,388
But I asked you
where you live.
229
00:10:06,431 --> 00:10:07,911
- You didn't
let me finish.
- Mm.
230
00:10:07,955 --> 00:10:10,479
Then I invited her
to have sex for hours
231
00:10:10,522 --> 00:10:12,307
at my ranch-style house
in the Valley,
232
00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:14,439
which is
where I live.
233
00:10:14,483 --> 00:10:17,181
Charlie, you've
done nothing
234
00:10:17,225 --> 00:10:20,010
but talk about
your sexual prowess
since we got here.
235
00:10:20,054 --> 00:10:21,359
That's not true.
236
00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:22,883
I told you I have
a beautiful daughter
named Sam.
237
00:10:22,926 --> 00:10:25,799
Who you conceived
during a marathon
slam session.
238
00:10:25,842 --> 00:10:28,671
It was.
I mean, it really was.
239
00:10:28,715 --> 00:10:30,934
Sorry about the wait.
240
00:10:30,978 --> 00:10:33,023
Calzone takes a long time.
241
00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:34,938
Just like Charlie here.
242
00:10:36,723 --> 00:10:39,116
You call that
being subtle?
243
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:42,206
Sorry, just coming up
with that one took me
two hours.
244
00:10:42,250 --> 00:10:44,948
Speaking of two hours,
Charlie here--
245
00:10:44,992 --> 00:10:46,646
Thank you, Brett.
You can go now.
246
00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:50,867
Okay, look.
It just bothers me
that you're out there
247
00:10:50,911 --> 00:10:54,088
thinking that
I'm Speedy Gonzales
or Quick Draw McGraw
248
00:10:54,131 --> 00:10:57,352
or any cartoon character
who ejaculates prematurely.
249
00:10:59,397 --> 00:11:01,791
So, what, do you want
to have sex again
250
00:11:01,835 --> 00:11:03,314
so you can feel better
about yourself?
251
00:11:03,358 --> 00:11:06,883
Yes, thank you.
You got it.
252
00:11:06,927 --> 00:11:08,537
It only took me two hours
to get you there,
253
00:11:08,580 --> 00:11:10,626
which is a time frame
I am completely
comfortable with--
254
00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:11,758
Uh...
255
00:11:11,801 --> 00:11:12,976
- enough.
- Sorry.
256
00:11:13,020 --> 00:11:14,456
I'll do it.
257
00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:16,284
I-I'm sorry, what?
258
00:11:16,327 --> 00:11:17,981
I'm still
pretty easy.
259
00:11:18,025 --> 00:11:19,156
Well, this is great.
260
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:21,332
But you have to do
something for me.
261
00:11:21,376 --> 00:11:24,074
Oh, I'll do it all
for you all night long.
262
00:11:24,118 --> 00:11:26,381
I want an apology
from Jen
263
00:11:26,424 --> 00:11:28,165
for that little stunt
on the football field.
264
00:11:28,209 --> 00:11:30,080
Oh, come on.
Nobody remembers that.
265
00:11:30,124 --> 00:11:33,605
Everyone called me a whore
at our 20th reunion.
266
00:11:33,649 --> 00:11:36,783
Well, you just
said yourself
you're easy.
267
00:11:36,826 --> 00:11:40,090
I get an apology,
you get your do-over.
268
00:11:40,134 --> 00:11:42,310
Okay, fine.
You got it.
269
00:11:42,353 --> 00:11:44,181
Just don't be
this bossy in bed.
270
00:11:44,225 --> 00:11:46,488
It gets me
a little too excited.
271
00:11:50,274 --> 00:11:51,972
Oh, come on, Jen.
It's just one little
apology.
272
00:11:52,015 --> 00:11:55,584
No way.
I can't believe you went
down there and saw her.
273
00:11:55,627 --> 00:11:58,543
Jen, Jen, this woman
has moved all over
the country
274
00:11:58,587 --> 00:12:01,242
looking for a shred
of happiness,
275
00:12:01,285 --> 00:12:02,852
and I believe,
as a therapist,
276
00:12:02,896 --> 00:12:06,551
that her problem
can be solved by you
saying two little words.
277
00:12:06,595 --> 00:12:08,640
Oh, I've got
two little words
for her.
278
00:12:08,684 --> 00:12:11,513
[ sighs ]
Not those words.
279
00:12:11,556 --> 00:12:13,776
Just say,
"I'm sorry."
280
00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:17,649
Why do you care so much
about this grocery sto' ho?
281
00:12:17,693 --> 00:12:19,826
Because I'm a therapist.
282
00:12:19,869 --> 00:12:22,263
A fireman can't
drive past a fire.
283
00:12:22,306 --> 00:12:24,439
A doctor can't
drive past a car wreck.
284
00:12:24,482 --> 00:12:26,484
Well, I can't
drive past
285
00:12:26,528 --> 00:12:29,792
a sad grocery store ho.
286
00:12:29,836 --> 00:12:31,533
Fine.
287
00:12:31,576 --> 00:12:33,796
Thank you.
288
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:37,626
If you fill Sean's car
with manure.
289
00:12:37,669 --> 00:12:40,542
You've got
to be kidding me.
290
00:12:40,585 --> 00:12:43,632
Poo? Caca? Doo-doo?
291
00:12:44,894 --> 00:12:47,505
That guy cheated on me,
then he lied about it.
292
00:12:47,549 --> 00:12:50,117
He's full of crap,
so I want his car
to be, too.
293
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,119
I want it full,
I want it stinking.
294
00:12:52,162 --> 00:12:54,556
I want to smell it
from here.
295
00:12:54,599 --> 00:12:57,167
All right, fine.
I'll do it.
296
00:12:57,211 --> 00:12:58,821
Good.
297
00:12:58,865 --> 00:13:02,477
When I get a picture
of his car filled
with fertilizer,
298
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:05,001
I'll go down and apologize
to the grocery ho.
299
00:13:05,045 --> 00:13:07,351
Oh, great.
Great.
300
00:13:07,395 --> 00:13:09,963
Remember, just try
to make it seem like
it's heartfelt.
301
00:13:10,006 --> 00:13:12,835
Oh, and her name's Mandy,
not Grocery Ho.
302
00:13:15,055 --> 00:13:16,708
Good night, Mom.
Good night, Dad.
303
00:13:16,752 --> 00:13:18,580
Good night, Mom.
Good night, Dad.
304
00:13:18,623 --> 00:13:20,147
Father:
Don't do that.
305
00:13:21,452 --> 00:13:22,714
[ sighs ]
306
00:13:22,758 --> 00:13:24,760
- They're onto us.
- What?
307
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:28,198
My mom just told me
my dad thinks we're
doing this for the money.
308
00:13:28,242 --> 00:13:30,505
Okay, tomorrow morning
at breakfast,
309
00:13:30,548 --> 00:13:33,160
I will make you a stack
of heart-shaped pancakes
310
00:13:33,203 --> 00:13:34,944
with a bacon arrow
right through it,
311
00:13:34,988 --> 00:13:38,513
and then I will slap you
on the butt and call you
my woman.
312
00:13:38,556 --> 00:13:40,863
No, we've got to do
something drastic
right now.
313
00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:44,040
- Grab the headboard.
- What? No, you grab
the headboard.
314
00:13:44,084 --> 00:13:45,868
Wait, what are we
about to do?
315
00:13:45,912 --> 00:13:48,131
We're gonna grab
the headboard
316
00:13:48,175 --> 00:13:50,351
and make it sound
like we're having sex.
317
00:13:50,394 --> 00:13:51,569
Good idea.
318
00:13:55,704 --> 00:13:57,227
[ creaking ]
319
00:14:01,623 --> 00:14:03,146
I thought you loved me.
What is that?
320
00:14:03,190 --> 00:14:04,931
I'm just warming you up.
321
00:14:04,974 --> 00:14:07,237
I'm not an animal.
What do you want?
322
00:14:07,281 --> 00:14:09,892
[ thudding ]
323
00:14:09,936 --> 00:14:11,676
That's how you have sex?
324
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,678
Right out of the gate?
What is wrong with you?
325
00:14:13,722 --> 00:14:17,639
I've been thinking
about it all day!
326
00:14:17,682 --> 00:14:19,597
You're such a man!
327
00:14:19,641 --> 00:14:21,382
You know what?
You're right, I am.
328
00:14:21,425 --> 00:14:23,732
[ thudding increases ]
329
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,519
Are you satisfied?
330
00:14:31,348 --> 00:14:33,655
[ phone chimes ]
331
00:14:37,093 --> 00:14:38,747
Who's Andy?
332
00:14:42,316 --> 00:14:45,623
Lacey, come out here
right now!
333
00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:47,756
Lacey:
I can't, Mom.
We're making love.
334
00:14:47,799 --> 00:14:49,627
Now!
335
00:14:49,671 --> 00:14:53,501
Well, I guess you
don't want a grandbaby.
What's up?
336
00:14:53,544 --> 00:14:55,242
Look what I found.
337
00:14:55,285 --> 00:14:58,593
A lascivious text
message to you from
someone named Andy.
338
00:14:58,636 --> 00:15:00,638
Andy? That's not--
[ gasps ]
339
00:15:00,682 --> 00:15:03,467
Integrity Andy.
Oh, no.
340
00:15:03,511 --> 00:15:07,994
You found a message
tome from Andy
on myphone?
341
00:15:08,037 --> 00:15:10,648
How stupid are you
that you would ruin
342
00:15:10,692 --> 00:15:12,868
a chance to marry
this wonderful man,
343
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:17,394
who sounds like
he loves you very much,
344
00:15:17,438 --> 00:15:20,876
but probably needs to learn
a little something
about patience?
345
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,574
What's going on?
346
00:15:25,489 --> 00:15:27,448
My mom found myphone.
347
00:15:27,491 --> 00:15:30,364
- But that's--
- My phone, yes. Keep up.
348
00:15:30,407 --> 00:15:34,498
And she read this
text message to me
349
00:15:34,542 --> 00:15:37,023
from a man named Andy.
350
00:15:38,415 --> 00:15:40,330
"This is crazy.
I need to see you again.
351
00:15:40,374 --> 00:15:43,464
I miss your body.
I miss your lips.
352
00:15:43,507 --> 00:15:46,510
I want you so bad."
Aw.
353
00:15:46,554 --> 00:15:49,252
Oh-- oh.
354
00:15:49,296 --> 00:15:52,168
I'm so sorry, Patrick,
but as you can see,
355
00:15:52,212 --> 00:15:55,606
I've been sleeping
with a man named Andy.
356
00:15:57,782 --> 00:16:01,134
You know what?
Not a big deal.
I'm gonna let it slide.
357
00:16:01,177 --> 00:16:03,005
- You're not angry?
- Yeah, you should be angry.
358
00:16:03,049 --> 00:16:06,574
Oh, of course I'm angry.
That's a much more
realistic reaction.
359
00:16:06,617 --> 00:16:09,011
How dare you?
360
00:16:09,055 --> 00:16:10,534
[ knock on door ]
361
00:16:10,578 --> 00:16:13,233
Hello, it's Andy.
We need to talk.
362
00:16:13,276 --> 00:16:16,584
Your lover is here?
I'll give him a piece
of my mind.
363
00:16:16,627 --> 00:16:19,239
No, you stay
right there.
364
00:16:19,282 --> 00:16:21,371
I'll handle this
like a man.
365
00:16:21,415 --> 00:16:24,374
Like an angry,
angry man.
366
00:16:24,418 --> 00:16:26,855
This may
take a while.
367
00:16:29,336 --> 00:16:31,251
What is going on?
368
00:16:31,294 --> 00:16:34,297
I can't tell you right now,
but if you love me,
you will scream, "Ow."
369
00:16:34,341 --> 00:16:36,647
- Ow!
- You love me.
370
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:40,695
Dude.
371
00:16:43,698 --> 00:16:47,006
What the hell
are you doing?
372
00:16:47,049 --> 00:16:49,530
What the hell are you doing
up at 6:00 in the morning?
373
00:16:49,573 --> 00:16:53,316
I manage a strip club.
I got home, like,
an hour ago.
374
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:54,970
Look, I am really tired.
375
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:57,494
I'm almost done
filling your car
with cow crap,
376
00:16:57,538 --> 00:17:00,367
so if you could
go to bed or something,
that'd be great.
377
00:17:01,629 --> 00:17:03,544
Why would you do this?
378
00:17:03,587 --> 00:17:06,068
Look, Mandy said that
the only way that she'd
sleep with me again
379
00:17:06,112 --> 00:17:08,766
and let me prove myself
is if Jen apologized to her.
380
00:17:08,810 --> 00:17:10,507
Jen said the only way
she'd apologize to her
381
00:17:10,551 --> 00:17:13,641
is if I filled your car
with cow crap
382
00:17:13,684 --> 00:17:15,556
and sent her
a picture of it.
383
00:17:15,599 --> 00:17:18,428
So this whole thing's
about getting laid?
384
00:17:19,603 --> 00:17:21,431
Cool.
385
00:17:21,475 --> 00:17:24,086
Just help me pack
the rest of this in
and we'll go out to breakfast.
386
00:17:25,957 --> 00:17:27,481
No. No, no, no.
No, no, no.
387
00:17:27,524 --> 00:17:29,657
You know what?
There is absolutely
only one way
388
00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:32,660
that I don't call
the cops on you.
389
00:17:32,703 --> 00:17:35,924
You get Jen
to take me back.
390
00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:39,145
Dude, she asked me
to fill your car
with manure.
391
00:17:39,188 --> 00:17:43,540
Okay, there is absolutely
only one other way.
392
00:17:43,584 --> 00:17:47,240
You get Lacey to take down
her new website--
393
00:17:47,283 --> 00:17:51,461
SeanHealyIsACheatingDouchebag.
com...
394
00:17:51,505 --> 00:17:54,073
.net, .gov, and .tv.
395
00:17:54,116 --> 00:17:57,598
I think she's planning
a cable station of some kind.
396
00:17:59,252 --> 00:18:01,515
But I need the picture now.
Can't you just trust me?
397
00:18:01,558 --> 00:18:04,213
How about you take
the picture with my phone,
398
00:18:04,257 --> 00:18:08,087
and when the website is down,
I'll send it to you?
399
00:18:08,130 --> 00:18:09,566
- Fine.
- All right.
400
00:18:09,610 --> 00:18:11,046
Okay, I just need
to get one of you
401
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,526
standing in front of the car
looking bummed out.
402
00:18:12,569 --> 00:18:14,267
Well, I am
pretty bummed out.
403
00:18:14,310 --> 00:18:17,357
Perfect.
Say, "Crap!"
404
00:18:20,664 --> 00:18:22,405
Well, the good news
is my parents bought it,
405
00:18:22,449 --> 00:18:24,538
but they think Patrick's
a violent lunatic
406
00:18:24,581 --> 00:18:26,714
who beat up Andy
for two hours.
407
00:18:26,757 --> 00:18:29,586
Hey, you mess around
with my wife,
408
00:18:29,630 --> 00:18:33,199
you get dinner and a backrub.
That's just the way it is.
409
00:18:33,242 --> 00:18:35,157
So, Lacey,
you're still planning
on cheating your parents
410
00:18:35,201 --> 00:18:36,550
out of a million dollars?
411
00:18:36,593 --> 00:18:38,421
Yeah, so?
412
00:18:38,465 --> 00:18:39,727
Well, I heard
you put up a website
413
00:18:39,770 --> 00:18:41,468
to humiliate Sean
for cheating on you.
414
00:18:41,511 --> 00:18:44,166
Yeah, so?
415
00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:45,602
Well, I think it's
hypocritical and unhealthy
416
00:18:45,646 --> 00:18:46,690
and you should
take it down.
417
00:18:46,734 --> 00:18:49,215
No way.
I'm sick of jerks.
418
00:18:49,258 --> 00:18:51,652
Okay, okay.
What if I filled up
Sean's car with manure
419
00:18:51,695 --> 00:18:53,088
and took a picture
of it for you?
420
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:56,526
That seems really weird,
but it works for me.
421
00:18:56,570 --> 00:18:59,747
Ironically, that picture'd
be perfect for my website.
422
00:18:59,790 --> 00:19:01,531
So, we have a deal?
423
00:19:01,575 --> 00:19:03,229
I want one more thing.
424
00:19:03,272 --> 00:19:06,449
I want you to make Ed
stop reporting me to the
immigration service.
425
00:19:06,493 --> 00:19:10,018
I'm a citizen,
you crazy old man!
426
00:19:10,061 --> 00:19:12,629
Why don't we let
the government decide that?
427
00:19:14,675 --> 00:19:16,720
- Ed...
- Oh, all right.
428
00:19:16,764 --> 00:19:18,461
But you've got
to make Patrick
429
00:19:18,505 --> 00:19:22,335
quit telling
the Social Security people
that I'm dead.
430
00:19:22,378 --> 00:19:24,815
Why don't we let
the government decide that?
431
00:19:25,860 --> 00:19:27,775
- Patrick...
- Damn it, okay.
432
00:19:27,818 --> 00:19:30,473
But you have to tell Nolan
to blow his nose.
433
00:19:30,517 --> 00:19:33,868
It's whistling
so much he sounds like
a traffic cop.
434
00:19:33,911 --> 00:19:36,000
If you blow your nose
too much,
435
00:19:36,044 --> 00:19:38,916
it irritates the mucus
membranes and then your
sinuses can swell
436
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:43,094
until they grow
into your brain and you die.
437
00:19:43,138 --> 00:19:46,489
But I'll do it
if you can make Lacey
let me brush her hair.
438
00:19:46,533 --> 00:19:49,013
I have a brush.
439
00:19:50,537 --> 00:19:52,539
Lacey?
440
00:19:52,582 --> 00:19:55,019
Fine, but I better
get that picture.
441
00:19:55,063 --> 00:19:56,543
You will.
442
00:19:56,586 --> 00:19:58,632
So, everybody,
do we have a deal?
443
00:19:58,675 --> 00:19:59,502
- Yeah.
- Sure.
444
00:19:59,546 --> 00:20:00,721
- Yeah.
- Mm.
445
00:20:00,764 --> 00:20:02,766
All right,
I'm getting laid.
446
00:20:05,421 --> 00:20:06,857
[ knocks ]
447
00:20:07,989 --> 00:20:09,730
- Hi.
- Hey.
448
00:20:09,773 --> 00:20:11,645
You came early.
449
00:20:11,688 --> 00:20:13,647
Well, I guess
it was your turn.
450
00:20:13,690 --> 00:20:15,736
Charlie, you're
going to hate me,
451
00:20:15,779 --> 00:20:17,694
but I'm on my way
to the airport.
452
00:20:17,738 --> 00:20:19,130
What? Why?
453
00:20:19,174 --> 00:20:21,437
After Jennifer
apologized,
454
00:20:21,481 --> 00:20:24,048
I realized that
I've been moving
all over the country
455
00:20:24,092 --> 00:20:27,487
looking for a shred
of happiness,
456
00:20:27,530 --> 00:20:29,750
and now that Jen
and I have made our peace,
457
00:20:29,793 --> 00:20:32,187
I feel like
I can go home again.
458
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:35,495
Do you have any idea
what I went through
to make this happen?
459
00:20:35,538 --> 00:20:37,453
Immigration was called,
460
00:20:37,497 --> 00:20:41,327
hair was brushed,
noses were blown.
461
00:20:41,370 --> 00:20:44,504
Okay, I don't understand
any of that,
462
00:20:44,547 --> 00:20:46,897
but I have to go.
463
00:20:46,941 --> 00:20:49,596
Wait, wait, wait.
464
00:20:49,639 --> 00:20:52,425
Exactly how long is
this flight to Ohio?
465
00:20:52,468 --> 00:20:55,689
Uh, I don't know.
About four hours.
466
00:20:57,299 --> 00:21:01,085
Mandy:
Wow, that was amazing.
467
00:21:01,129 --> 00:21:04,437
So much better
than in my parents' den.
468
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,439
Charlie:
Wait, wait, wait, den?
469
00:21:06,482 --> 00:21:08,571
We did it
in your sister's bed.
470
00:21:08,615 --> 00:21:10,181
Mandy: Really?
471
00:21:10,225 --> 00:21:12,793
[ Mandy gasps ]
Oh, my God, you're right.
472
00:21:12,836 --> 00:21:16,405
Kyle was the one
who was fast.
473
00:21:16,449 --> 00:21:18,320
You were great.
35789
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