Original subtitles

Patrick. What's going on with you? You seem stressed out.

Why should I be? I paid for my classes

and my books and my Adderall and now I'm broke.

I'm afraid I'm gonna lose my apartment.

You should up your Adderall.

That way you won't need a place to sleep.

Sometimes I wonder if I was born under a bad sign.

When I was nine years old--

My life is over!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's wrong, Lace?

Sure, give Lacey the stage.

Who cares what happened to me when I was nine years old?

Shut up, Patrick. We've all heard it.

You got strep throat, you lost the lead in the school play

and your understudy, Ryan Gosling, went on to glory.

I'm sure he's not still upset about that.

It could have been me!

I'm sure that's about something else.

I don't care. My parents cut me off.

You mean, in an oxcart?

They're-- they're Indian.

Ed, I've never done this before,

but I am going to put you in a racist time-out.

What do I do? Just sit here and do nothing?

In other words, a Mexican workday?

Of course that works for any of you darker skinned people.

Ah!

The Chair recognizes the childish tantrum.

Thank you.

I just got fired and now my parents think

I'm a screwup and cut off my trust fund.

- You got fired? - I thought you were doing so well.

This doctor on my sales route wouldn't stop trying to grope me.

I understand.

Continue.

So, I did what you always say, Charlie.

I removed myself from the situation and left the building.

So then why would they fire you? You did the right thing.

Maybe because when he came out, I hit him in the neck with a brick.

I know. How proud are you of me?

I counted to 10 and everything.

The counting to 10 is not supposed to be a countdown

to hitting a guy with a brick.

I gotta start writing this stuff down.

You keep changing it.

You can't pay your rent without your trust fund.

But you're welcome to crash at Chez Nolan.

One bed, no waiting.

My neighbor's still in jail, so it's super quiet.

Charlie, you've gotta talk to my parents.

They're coming over to dinner tomorrow night.

You have to tell them that this wasn't totally my fault

and I'm doing better

so they'll keep giving me money. Please.

I don't know, Lace. It sounds like it's between you and your parents.

If you do go, be sure and eat beforehand.

These dotheads don't know the difference between food...

- Two more minutes, Ed. - ...and dirt.

Sorry.

[ theme music playing ]

You did not run over a squirrel.

Yes, I did. I killed a squirrel.

Dad, will you please go out there

and see if there's a dead squirrel?

Sweetie, this is clearly about your OCD

and I don't want to reinforce the ritual.

You probably just hit a pothole.

They're everywhere.

Tons of potholes.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I'm just nervous because I'm learning to drive.

It was probably just a pothole.

That was no pothole, Charlie.

So she hit a squirrel?

Hit it? She flattened the thing.

It was like something out of a Wile E. Coyote cartoon.

We stay with the pothole story until the day we die.

It now joins we didn't have sex till we were 18

and Sam was not an accident.

You're really gonna have dinner with Lacey's parents

just to prove she's getting better?

Yes, Michael, because I care.

Wish I cared that much about my clients.

After I sell them the house and my check clears, I'm done caring.

Like I always say,

let the buyer beware.

Yeah, of you.

Hey, guys, quick. Turn on the TV. Channel six.

What's going on?

We just had the best day.

Yeah, we were at the zoo standing in front of the monkey pit--

- Monkey house. - Whatever.

And we saw this six-year-old girl

fall in with all those monkeys.

This was your best day?

Man, the war really changed you guys, didn't it?

No, no, that wasn't the best part. The kid was fine.

But you'll never guess who's gonna be on the news.

The monkeys?

- Us. - You were close.

Hey, look, there we are.

Well, we came to the zoo 'cause it's half-price senior day.

And we were standing in front of the monkey pit.

- Monkey house. - Whatever.

Well, all of a sudden, this one yells out,

"Hey, look at, that monkey is wearing clothes."

I said, "That ain't no monkey. That's a kid."

Well, I'm a veteran, so I jumped into action right away.

I grabbed my peanuts and started throwing 'em at the monkeys as a diversion.

Yeah, and while he was doing that,

I went and got some more ammo from the churro cart.

Bottom line, we kept the monkeys busy.

Security got the kid out.

I ain't never seen anything like it.

- This man's a hero. - Ah, hell, we're both heroes.

That's why they call us the greatest generation.

I-- I think that's the generation before you.

They're all dead, so we get to move up one.

Therapy is a process, but I am impressed with your daughter's improvement.

Well, now you can imagine what we've been through.

Pardon my language, but this spoiled little bitch

has been impossible to deal with.

I'm sorry, isn't that a little harsh?

You're right. The spoiled little bitch is challenging to deal with.

Impossible is a demeaning word.

Mater, Pater, I made it just the way you like it.

And for dinner, I made your favorite chicken.

Of course you have. I threatened to take away your trust fund

and now you're trying to butter me up.

So, how am I doing?

Well, at least you're dressing more like a respectable girl.

Can you honestly tell me as her therapist

that this is how she dresses every day?

Well, Lacey has many outfits.

I think she's wearing about four of them right now.

However, as her therapist, I can tell you for a fact

that Lacey has developed a much healthier self-image.

I'm wearing panties now.

You see? There you go.

And getting there wasn't easy.

But Lacey is stronger, more mature

and more responsible than ever before.

I see. And do you believe that she can sustain

a long-term relationship with a man?

Oh, absolutely. I think Lacey has all the tools she needs

to be in a healthy, loving relationship.

She's ready.

Cool, I'm ready.

What am I ready for?

Next month, you'll move to India and get married.

India? Married?

[ timer dings ]

I know you're going through a lot right now,

but I think the chicken's ready.

[ gasps ]

If I can interject, I think an arranged marriage for Lacey is a very bad idea.

We've had an understanding for years with the Kumar family

that she will marry their son, Mahesh.

Mahesh, Mahesh, the ton of flesh?

I haven't seen him since he was 12.

How fat is he now?

You can't be so choosy.

You grew up so shamefully, we nearly had to cancel it.

And be happy.

He's a very successful businessman in Mumbai.

- And his mother says he'll get the lap band. - Ew!

So my option is to either live here broke

or marry a fat rich man and live in a place that I hate?

See, we're enlightened parents. We're giving you choices.

I can't marry Mahesh.

Why not?

Because she's already in a serious relationship.

You are?

Uh, yeah, totally.

And why didn't you tell us?

Because-- you know the Indian tradition

when you tell your parents about a new relationship,

you're supposed to shower them with extravagant gifts first,

which now you're not gonna get

because Charlie blew it.

Thanks a lot, Charlie.

Now you might as well just tell them the whole thing.

Well, first of all, pardon my cultural ignorance.

Not necessary. There is no such tradition.

Why don't you, her esteemed mentor,

who is teaching her right from wrong,

tell us the truth?

- Okay-- - That he's white.

Yes. Yes. Yes. He's white.

Like snow.

A handsome professional. Not too old, not too young.

And just the right height.

How do you know? Have you met him?

Met him? He's the one who introduced us.

Thank you, Charlie.

You're welcome.

So, how long has she been seeing this boy?

- Six months. - Five weeks.

Six months and five weeks...

which some people call seven months and a week.

- Mm-hmm. - Mother: Seven months?

You've never been in a relationship for seven months before.

Well,

I do love him so

and he's such a handsome and professional man.

And just the right height.

And for a white guy, so industrious.

Then we will meet with him.

Oh, no, no. You can't meet with him because according to Indian tradition--

Jup. Tomorrow.

And if we don't approve, you will marry that giant Kumar boy.

- Hey, Brett. - Brett.

Hey, guys.

Look who's here, everybody.

[ cheering ]

Whoo.

I guess they saw the news, huh?

No, your video went viral.

Video? What video?

You're on YouTube. You are famous.

What?

- [ music playing ] - [ auto-tuned ] ♪ We came to the zoo

♪ We were standing in front of the monkey pit ♪

♪ Hey, look, that monkey's wearing clothes ♪

♪ Hey, that ain't no monkey... ♪

Who wants to buy these guys a couple of steaks?

[ cheering ]

Hey, we can make this work for us.

Bring us a couple of New York strips.

Filet mignon.

- New York strip. - Filet mignon.

- New York strip. - Let's save it for the sequel.

You didn't hit a squirrel.

It was a pothole, just like last time.

It wasn't a pothole. It was a squirrel.

I heard the thump.

Where are you guys driving? Snow White's backyard?

Just for argument's sake, say you did hit a squirrel last week.

What are the odds that that would happen again?

Yeah, I know.

I'm just being stupid.

She mowed down another one.

She's like James Bond, except with a learner's permit to kill.

It wasn't totally her fault.

The thing ran right out in front of us.

I think it smelled its wife on my tires.

I've got nothing, Charlie.

I can't find one guy.

Are you telling me you don't know anybody

that can have dinner with your parents

and pretend to be your boyfriend for one night?

I've only dated, like, five white guys

and two of them were light-skinned Mexicans.

What about the other three?

Jailed, shot him in the balls, light-skinned black dude.

So, the line of white guy

moves around for you a little bit, huh?

Well, what are you gonna do? What's your plan?

My plan?

My plan is to spritz a little water on these muffins,

take 'em to the next room and pass 'em off as fresh.

That's my plan.

What's your plan?

My plan was to ask you your plan.

That was my plan.

Lacey, as your therapist, I'm already breaking rules left and right.

I never should have had dinner with your family.

I never should have lied to cover your butt.

And now-- now I'm trying to pass off stale muffins as fresh.

Who have I become?

Well, this is jacked up.

I went along with your lie and now I'm screwed.

If my parents show up at my house and I don't have a boyfriend,

then I'm a liar.

This is all your fault.

Maybe I should just tell them the truth.

If you tell them the truth, then I'm going to lose my trust fund allowance.

Well, at least you won't have to move to India.

And maybe it's not the worst plan in the world

to start behaving like a responsible adult.

I can't live without shoes.

Are you talking about losing your trust fund or living in India?

What about Nolan?

Nolan could never pull this off.

And it's not fair to ask him to be your fiancé for one night,

then go back to being your emotional doormat.

I'll do it!

You don't even know what we're talking about.

If that stopped him, he'd never do anything.

Well, that was my last idea. What the hell are we gonna do?

Every time I go out with friends,

the waiter always brings me the check.

Why does everyone think I'm rich?

Is it my style? My obvious intelligence?

The clever way I complain about people thinking I'm rich when you know I love it?

Patrick,

are you free for dinner tonight?

Sure,

even though this seems like a trap.

But if you expect me to pay, you should know

everything I'm wearing belongs to an old boyfriend.

That's right, I'm gay.

So, you want me to sit through

this dysfunctional family dinner,

lie to Lacey's scary father and then...

pretend to be in love with her?

It would be a big help to Lacey.

That's the part I don't like.

Please, Patrick.

If you don't do this, I'll be shipped off to India.

You're not helping your case.

Patrick, buddy.

Buddy?

Sorry, I was trying something.

Look, if you're not willing to pretend to be something you're not

to help someone you don't even really care about,

then what's the point of therapy?

Okay, this whole thing is insane.

Why is everyone scrambling to help the girl with the trust fund?

I am the one who needs help.

I can't even pay my rent. I'm not rich.

I just dress this way.

I'll give you a thousand dollars if you do it.

- Two thousand. - Greedy bastard.

You're really gonna enjoy riding elephants.

Fine, bitch. Hope you choke on it.

I cannot tell you two how proud I am,

because honestly, I thought it was gonna take, like, five grand.

Hey, hey, hey, everybody. We're back.

The monkey pit guys from the World Wide Web.

Anybody wanna buy us a steak?

Or a drink?

Sorry, guys.

I guess your few hours of Internet celebrity have passed.

Everybody's moved on. They're watching a new video.

It's a fat kid getting pushed down an escalator.

Ah, it doesn't matter. We're gonna be rich.

How do you figure?

Our video got four million views.

So even if they only paid us a dollar per view,

as soon as we get our check from the Internet,

we'll have enough dough to buy this whole joint.

That how it works?

Of course it does.

You don't think they show that stuff for free?

Oh!

Everybody, the steaks are on us!

[ cheering ]

So, Daddy, Patrick and I actually met in Charlie's therapy group.

Oh, you don't say.

So, who did you shoot in the balls?

It's not a strictly ball-shooting group.

Although it does improve your chances of getting in.

[ laughing ]

[ laughing ]

My man.

Actually, Patrick's problem stemmed from

issues he has as a professional successful man

with many female pursuers.

Not anymore.

So, Patrick, tell me.

What is it that you find so attractive about my daughter?

Oh, so many things.

She's glamorous, she accessorizes well,

and she can go day to night like nobody's business.

And he loves that-- that she enjoys sports just as much as he does.

Baseball, basketball, football.

This guy loves anything with balls.

And hockey.

So what part of the fashion business are you in, Patrick?

Design.

Someday I hope to have my very own line of women's clothing.

Patrick says I'm his muse.

Yes. When I look at her I think,

"How can I cover this up?"

Well, good luck with that.

I've been fighting a losing battle ever since she was 15.

[ laughing ]

I like you, Patrick.

I can see why Lacey is so fond of you.

I really am so very, very fond.

Well, I'd like to propose a toast.

For many years,

Lacey has given me nothing but heartache.

She was stubborn, she was rude, she was disrespectful.

She dressed like a prostitute.

She bit our mailman in the leg.

Boy, I hope there's a "but" coming.

But now I see her

blossoming into a wonderful wife and mother.

In fact, I would like to give this relationship my blessing.

Lacey, Patrick,

if you do get married, on the day of your wedding,

as an expression of my faith in your union,

I will give you $1 million.

- Lacey, I know this is sudden-- - Yes, Patrick, yes!

Thank you, Charlie.

I'm shocked to see that my daughter is finally getting married.

Well, just think how surprised his family's gonna be.

Bye, Mommy. Bye, Daddy. Thank you.

Thanks, Mom.

Thanks, Dad.

[ screams ]

Are you two crazy?

Yeah, crazy in love--

With a million bucks.

Can you imagine what we can do with all that money?

I know, baby.

We'll buy a silver BMW with black leather seats and a sunroof.

It's not a convertible? You know I want a convertible.

Why does it always have to be what you want?

Oh, my God, we already sound like a married couple.

Both: Ah!

You guys can't do this. Patrick, you're not marrying Lacey.

So typical.

The straight, middle-aged white guy

telling the gay man he can't get married.

This is not about being gay.

This is about tricking her parents.

Charlie, you started this.

Yeah, but you took my shameless lie and turned it into something ugly.

Charlie, be cool

and don't get in the way.

How would you like

a Chevy Malibu?

You think you can make all this okay by buying me a Chevy Malibu?

No. I'm giving you my old one.

I'm getting a BMW and so is my wife.

- We're getting... - Both: BMWs!

- Yeah. - [ knocks on door ]

Mom, you forgot something?

I just want to talk to Charlie really quickly.

Sanjay and I want to do something special for the matchmaker.

So, go, scoot, scoot.

Okay.

I can't put my finger on it,

but something about this whole arrangement doesn't add up.

Mira, I think this is one of those times

where you just can't worry about the traffic.

You just gotta close your eyes and cross the street.

If anything goes wrong, I'm holding you responsible.

I will call my friends at the American Psychological Association

and you'll be lucky if you get a job cleaning bedpans at a mental institution.

Hey, I cannot control what happens between two young people--

Institution!

Institution.

Hey, sweetie.

Bird.

Bus pass?

I'm already on it.

Oh, I think there's a dead bird on the grill of your--

Already on it.