Original subtitles

Hey, everybody. Sorry I'm late.

Won't happen again.

All right, let's begin today

by talking about the lies we've told.

Remember when I told you I wouldn't be late again?

I was lying.

What happened to your hand?

I'm not sure.

I either punched a wall or a guy with a wall for a face.

Either way, when I buy you a drink,

you say, "Thank you."

Were you in a bar fight?

- I don't know. - Were you in a bar?

It was either a bar or a TV store that sold booze.

Was there a woman involved?

Yes, yes. This is good.

Keep it coming. We'll figure this out together.

I know.

You were in a cowboy bar and stabbed a mechanical bull with a butter knife

and when it didn't die, you punched it in the face.

Oh, my God. That's it. How'd you know?

You drunk dialed me last night and told me not to tell the group,

which, by the way, I didn't,

so you're welcome.

Come on, Lacey. Tell me.

Are we only gonna talk about drunken white trash problems?

Because I don't have anything about moonshine or anything,

but I do have something about school.

Okay, when he's done, I've got something about moonshine.

Shoot, Patrick.

We have a design competition at school on Thursday

and they're making us all design dresses for plus-size women.

Are we talking, like, a size four or six?

Add those, double it, then multiply by pie.

- [ gasps ] - And I mean the dessert.

They're just so hard to design for.

I have no idea what to do with a woman of this size.

You have no idea what to do with a woman of any size.

These drawings look like car covers

with a head sticking through the sunroof.

[ groans ] They're terrible, I know.

That's because you're hiding all the good parts.

Where's her caboose?

Where are the bald-headed train engineers?

The bald-headed--

Her boobies, boy.

Ed, Ed, Ed. I don't think that you're qualified

to criticize Patrick's sketches

without some sort of a background in-- oh, my God.

It looks like she's being tented for termites.

What? I'm eating donuts.

My sponsor said I should reward myself

every once in a while for not drinking.

So, is the idea to make you too fat to fit into a liquor store?

The idea is to keep me sober so I don't go crazy

and stab you with a letter opener.

All right, all right, I'll stop-- I'll stop criticizing you

for buying yourself a dozen donuts

and then inhaling them like an unattended dog.

My sponsor Blake says it's fine

to have a substitute indulgence every now and then.

Wait, wait, wait. Blake Dunkin?

- Blake Dunkin? - Yeah, of Dunkin' Donuts.

The woman is saving my life, Charlie.

She is a beacon of hope that shines for me

day and night without fail.

Kind of like a sign outside of a Dunkin' Donuts.

- Are you done now? - I don't know.

Depends on what you say next.

Blake is amazing, Charlie.

Anytime I'm feeling tempted by alcohol,

she comes over and makes me feel better.

So this woman is either seriously dedicated

or has less of a social life than you do.

I shouldn't be telling you this,

but since you are a therapist,

theoretically,

not only is Blake in AA,

she's also a recovering sex addict.

She's sworn off men for a while.

In fact, she's celibate.

I feel really bad for her,

but it works out great for me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where the heck are you going?

I'm going to a meeting.

Blake is coming to pick me up.

And instead of bashing me,

it would be great if you could support me every once in a while.

- Maybe come to a meeting? - Oh, hell, yeah.

There's no other way I'd rather spend my afternoon

than in some dingy church basement with a bunch of dirty hobos.

Besides, I'm going to lunch with Sean.

- Jordan. - Blake.

Hey.

Blake.

Blake, this is Charlie.

He just called us hobos.

Hey, buddy. Ready to grab some lunch?

Ladies.

Oh, I'm sorry. Sean, this is Jordan, who I work with,

and this is her friend Blake.

You know what, Sean? Today, we're not going to lunch.

We're going to an AA meeting because you are ruining your life with alcohol.

No, I'm not.

See that? Right there.

Denial. Classic alkie behavior.

All right, let's do this.

Oh, yeah, cool. Okay.

[ theme music playing ]

You know, sometimes we've said the Serenity Prayer so many times

that we don't actually think about what we're saying when we say it.

[ groans ] Can we please get out of here and grab a beer?

Shh.

I'm trying to impress that girl over there.

I want to make it seem like I care about you.

Well, if you really cared about me,

you'd stop cuddling me like a creepy uncle.

And remember the most important part--

it's the "wisdom to know the difference."

Thank you.

That was really inspiring.

- Super inspiring. - Totally inspiring. Beyond inspiring, wow.

Sean, I hope you were listening to what Blake had to say.

I gotta be honest, I tried,

but I'm still pretty buzzed from breakfast

because I'm an alcoholic.

Okay, who'd like to share next?

Sean would.

I'm okay, thanks.

Come on, you can do it, Sean. He can do it, right, Blake?

Yeah, we're all scared the first time,

but then you're up there and it feels great.

- That's right. - You've got a lot of support here.

Now, go.

I am so proud of him.

It's like pushing a bird with a broken wing out of the nest.

I hope not.

Then the bird would fall to its death.

Yeah, you have crazy soft hands.

Hi, I'm Sean.

I... am apparently an alcoholic.

All: Hi, Sean.

Okay, that's, uh--

I'll give you all a chip to not do that again.

So, Jordan was telling me about how great you are.

Oh, funny, she never mentioned you.

I guess she wanted to keep you all to herself.

Oh, no, we're not--

we just work together, but I try to keep a distance.

I know how easy it is to fall in love with me.

[ laughs ]

I was joking. Jordan says she can't stand you.

I hated the bitch first. God, you're so easy to talk to.

Clearly this is a bad time,

but I don't know when I'm going to see you again.

Would you like to go out tonight, maybe?

I'm supposed to have dinner with Jordan.

- Who? - Jordan.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I suppose I could make an excuse.

What are you two whispering about?

I was just telling Charlie

about this annoying fundraiser I have to go to tonight.

Oh, I thought we were gonna have dinner.

Damn it. I'm so sorry.

We could do it Sunday night.

Oh.

Unless it's the best damn fundraiser you've ever had

and you wanna do it again on Sunday.

And as I was jumping off the roof of the apartment building

into the pool three stories below,

I thought, "I could really get hurt."

Um, but I didn't.

And do you know why? Glug, glug, glug.

[ knock on door ]

Oh, Ed, thank you so much for coming.

This anger problem of yours better be pretty serious

to get me out of bed at 8:00 at night.

I can't do it, Ed.

I've made dozens of sketches

of the fat lady dress and I hate all of them.

- Good-bye. - No, Ed, please don't go.

Just...

tell me what I'm doing wrong.

I-I-I'm open to anything.

You're still trying to hide the woman's figure.

It's like driving a mountain road, boy.

You've got to enjoy the curves.

I just can't do it, Ed. There's too much mountain.

I don't have time to design and sew a dress.

I've only got two days.

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

I know more about...

making dresses than I should.

When I was growing up, my mama had to take in sewing,

make clothes for the neighbors.

And I was kind of puny, so I was always the...

model for the little girls' dresses.

Oh, Ed, that must've been horrible for you.

[ whispers ] Thank you, God.

Well, I learned to sew in 'Nam during the war,

so let's get to it.

Ed, we're sewing a dress on a fat lady,

not an ear onto a head.

This is hopeless.

Look here. You don't give up on something just because it's hard.

Did I quit calling my neighbor a Chinaman

after he pointed out that he was a Mexican?

You? No.

No, exactly.

We've got an understanding. I call him Hong Kong Chui,

he calls me El Gordo Pendejo Putino...

which I understand means,

"the great white king."

No, Ed, it means "fat, jackass little manwhore."

[ laughs ]

I believe the Chinaman speaks better Mexican than you do.

Ah, that was a great dinner. Thank you.

You are welcome.

I've never seen anyone eat so fast.

Yeah, I can down a lot pretty quick. I have no gag reflex.

So, should I put something in?

I mean on? I mean, music?

Oh, sure.

Uh...

what do you like?

Okay, I think I know what you like.

I have to tell you something,

and please don't be mad at Jordan,

but she did mention that you struggled with sex addiction.

Not as much as I'm struggling with your belt.

But aren't you celibate?

Well, look, I haven't had sex in two years.

Wanna know why?

Can't work a belt?

Because I've been working the program

and I've dealt with the underlying issues behind my addiction

and I have a healthy attitude towards sex.

So drop your pants and get to work.

Okay.

[ phone chiming ]

- You need to get that? - [ groans ]

No, it's just Jordan.

She's okay. I taught her how to self-soothe.

- [ phone beeps ] - Why aren't you answering?

Why?

I came over to the office to get my mind off of drinking

and my old roommate sent me a bottle of wine

to congratulate me on my new job.

Stupid bitch.

And it's staring at me and I want it so bad.

Stop staring at me! Stop it!

God, I'm talking to a bottle of wine. Call me.

I really appreciate this, Ed.

You're the last person I thought would come through for me, but you did.

I wish my mama'd had one of these dress dummies when I was a boy.

It woulda saved me a lotta years

of drinking and thinking.

All right, let's take a look.

Well, we did it.

I gotta say, it looks pretty good.

Well, all it needs now is the belt and we're done.

For the last time, Ed, the dress does not need a belt.

When I wore a dress, a belt always made me feel sexy.

Give her a belt.

Fine, we'll give her a belt.

You're such a diva.

I know what works.

There.

Now that's a sweet little cherry

with a whole lot of sundae.

Yeah, baby. Work that thing.

So, are you gonna come to the show?

Well, that depends.

Do I get to help our Rubenesque model

in and out of this thing?

- Absolutely not. - Let me know how it goes.

Hey.

Hey.

What's this?

Someone bought me a bottle of wine as a gift.

Really? Don't they know you're an alcoholic and you're--

- [ electricity crackles ] - [ yells ]

No, that's why I electrified it.

So I wouldn't touch it. I guess it works.

Why didn't you just throw it away, Ben Franklin?

Because I was freaked out.

I tried calling Blake and she hasn't called me back for two days.

She's never done this to me before.

Ah, I'm sure she's fine.

No, this is weird.

I hope she didn't fall back into her old sex addict behavior.

She'd go on this sex binge with some creep

and just forget about everything for days.

Keep in mind that she's also an alcoholic.

Maybe she's just facedown in a gutter somewhere.

I say we go with that story until we have more information.

[ sighs ] Maybe she's avoiding me.

Hey, do me a favor.

Will you call her and see if she answers

and then I can at least stop worrying?

Sure.

Why do you have her number?

I'm not calling Blake, I'm calling my mother.

Why?

Because my mother knows what to do

when I'm caught in a lie.

I knew it!

You are the creep who stole my sponsor.

Hey, hey, hey. You don't know the full story.

You had sex with a sex addict who also happens to be

the only sponsor who has ever been able to help me.

Okay, you know a lot of the story.

What you don't know is that she's got her sex addiction under control.

You're a therapist and you bought that?

Yes, hook, line, and sinker.

That's what all addicts say, that they have it under control.

But she doesn't. She has a disease.

A disease?

Sex addiction!

Oh, thank God.

You have got to stop seeing her immediately.

Why? She can date whoever she wants.

But you can't because she's my 24-hour donut shop

and I can't have you banging all the donuts.

Well, I have needs, too.

And what I need is a woman who used to be a sex addict

but isn't anymore but still does all the stuff.

[ scoffs ]

You are infuriating.

[ screams ]

So, I heard you helped Patrick.

How'd your little potato sack project come out?

Our little potato sack looked fantastic.

I'm just surprised you know how to sew.

I kind of think of you as a man's man.

Oh, a man's man can sew, Nolan,

and I'm not ashamed of it. You know why?

Because I am the Grande Pendejo Putino.

That's what the girl at the Taco Bell calls me.

I guess we're both super awesome dudes.

Here's your stupid belt.

- How'd we do? - You don't read emotional cues very well, do you?

They loved the dress. They hated the belt.

I told them it gave the dress an illusion of a waistline.

They said they were gonna give me the illusion of a trophy.

Here you go. It's yours.

Hey, just because I'm passionate doesn't mean I'm right.

Now, see there, Nolan?

A man's man can admit when he's wrong.

Why couldn't you admit you were wrong last night?

I wasn't wrong yet.

I'm sorry, Blake.

Before we go any further, we should talk about something.

We both know that addicts say that their addiction

is under control even when it's not.

All right, let me prove it to you.

Let's stop for a while.

We can go miniature golfing or we can go to a museum

or, hell, we can go to a park

and just sit and feed the ducks and talk.

Well, I'm convinced. Let's have sex.

Yeah.

[ doorbell rings ]

[ groans ] Excuse me.

Aha, there you are.

Caught in the act.

Busted. Gotcha.

God, are you drunk?

What is this, "Jeopardy"?

No, the questions on "Jeopardy" are hard.

Can I get you a water?

I don't want anything from you.

Give her the water, she'll give it to me.

Oh, Jordan, how did this happen?

Mm.

You wouldn't answer my calls.

Your voicemail's stupid, by the way.

[ seductively ] "Hey, this is Blake.

I'm having sex with Charlie.

Who cares about Jordan? Leave a message.

Beep."

It doesn't say that. You're just upset with me.

I'm upset with him.

You should hear his voicemail.

[ gravelly ] "Hey, this is Charlie.

Leave a message unless you're my pain-in-the-ass partner Jordan."

Honey, it doesn't say that either.

Yeah, actually, it does.

That was way before you and I got together.

Like, a week ago.

Jordan, I know you're very angry,

but, listen, drinking is not gonna solve any of your problems.

The only reason you're not drinking

is because your hands are full of Charlie.

Take me home.

Oh, of course.

Here, let me get my purse. Hold on.

Listen, Jordan, I am so sorry.

I didn't realize how much you truly needed Blake.

I do a pretty good drunk act, don't I?

What?

I'm taking my sponsor back, bitch.

Come on, honey. Let's go.

No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

She's not drunk.

- What? - She's not drunk. The whole thing's an act.

How can you say that? That's cruel.

She's making faces at me right now.

Oh, my God. She's drunk.

She has no control over herself.

No, no, no. No, no. She's completely sober.

Watch.

I'll get it.

- Oh, my face. - Oh, my God. You're an animal.

Last night, that was a good thing.

Jordan was right about you.

You're a heartless, inconsiderate pig

and I never want to see you again.

Come on.

- [ knock on door ] - Coming.

Hi.

Oh, God.

What is it now?

I just wanted to let you know

that I dropped Blake as my sponsor

because, well, she has too many issues.

Shehas too many issues? She?

You wear underwear in the shower.

How did you know that?

Blake told me.

Well, obviously I made the right decision.

But I also came over here to give you the opportunity

to thank me for breaking the two of you up.

To thank you? What, are you drunk?

Or are you just faking being an idiot?

Blake and I were great together.

Well, I stole her phone.

Let's see who else she was great with.

Here are about 20 different guys

she was planning on hooking up with in the next few days.

Oh, my gosh. You're right.

I do owe you a thanks.

Blake, time to go home!