Original subtitles

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.

Doing some paperwork.

Nolan, you start.

What is bothering you today?

Well, for starters,

you're wearing a woman's shirt.

All right, I wasn't doing paperwork.

I needed a shirt, it was dark,

and luckily the nude girl in my bed wasn't wearing hers.

And there she goes now.

Bye, sweetie.

Now, on a more serious note,

Patrick, why are you Ed?

I took Nolan's chair

because I've got to look at you straight on.

I hurt my neck in a car accident.

I rear-ended a guy and he got out of his car

and punched me in the neck.

But you kept your cool,

which I think is a testament to my mad skills

as an anger management therapist.

Actually, my seat belt locked up on me

and I couldn't reach the crowbar in my back seat.

Minor detail.

I am still putting this in the win column.

I'm very uncomfortable.

Everything's different today.

I'm sitting in the wrong chair

and you look like my mom...

but hotter.

Hey, Charlie. I'm going on a talent scout tonight.

You got 40 singles on you?

Oh, hey, you guys are all here.

- Hey, Lacey. - I'm not talking to you.

Too late. You just did.

That was me just telling you I'm not talking to you, loser.

Cool, so now we're having a conversation.

Uh, Sean, I don't have any singles,

but if you wanna make yourself some "coffee,"

there's a "coffee" can in the pantry. Ahem.

There's a bunch of singles in there.

How could you be friends with that dirtbag?

That son of a bitch was sleeping with me

while he was living with Charlie's ex-wife.

You slept with Sean?

This is turning into my favorite therapy session ever.

Except for that. Ed, look at that.

Ow!

[ chuckles ] It had to be done.

Lacey, I don't like Sean, I'm just hanging out with him.

I mean, haven't you ever had a friend that you hated?

- I hate all my friends. - Well, there you go.

[ phone chiming ]

Excuse me.

You got Charlie.

Yeah?

What?

All right, I'll be right there.

Sorry, guys. I gotta get down to the college.

It's an emergency.

A bunch of frat guys are throwing a party in my research lab.

Hey, you only had a dollar in the can.

What can I say? I've been drinking a lot of coffee.

Hey, can you give me a ride to my office?

That girl drove me home last night. I left my car where I met her.

- Where did you meet her? - I have no idea.

Maybe afterwards you could drive me around Los Angeles while I click my car alarm?

[ theme music playing ]

Hey, backwards baseball hat.

What the hell's going on here?

We're conducting a serious study

on the effects of whiskey and electricity

on some pledge's balls.

- Bring it! - Oh, this is really bad.

- Right? This is the cheapest beer I've ever had. - I know, right?

- [ electronic buzzing ] - All: Ooh.

[ laughs ] Well, that does kinda make up for it.

All right, guys, listen up. Listen up.

I hope you're all done 'cause the party is over.

The guy who pays for this office is gonna be here any minute.

Oh, no, dude, he never comes in.

Word is that his partner ditched him

and he had some kind of breakdown or something.

No, no. I heard that she was a royal pain in the ass

and he's been celebrating ever since she split.

Now, go on. Go-- go-- go someplace else

to play with each other's nuts on your parents' dime.

Oh, no.

What? What's wrong?

Damn.

The grant foundation wants the first run of data by Friday.

And on top of that, I've got to hire a new partner.

Without a PhD's name on this thing,

they're gonna pull the plug.

Wait, this is a sex study, right?

Are you telling me that you need a doctor

to run a video camera and shoot people doing it?

I can do that.

This isn't the bang bus, you idiot.

This study's gonna take my career to a whole new level.

I've just got to keep my head clear and stay focused.

So, Dr. Miller...

I see you've authored several well-received papers, and, oh, look at that.

You were runner-up for Miss Hawaiian Tropic.

Technically, I wasn't in the contest.

I just stopped by for a piña colada and they gave me an award.

Well, this may be a knee-jerk reaction,

but I like you the best.

So you've seen the other applicants?

Nah, I got a bunch more.

That's all fine and well, but what makes you believe you'd be an asset to this study?

I'm meticulous when it comes to research protocol.

As for my preferred methodology...

Pink Taco!

Excuse me?

I just remembered where I left my car.

Excuse me.

- Charlie Goodson? - You must be my 5:00.

Dr. Denby. It's a pleasure to meet you.

Oh, and I will not be having sex with you.

Well, then there won't be any pleasure.

Please.

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to say that.

But I do mean it. I just didn't mean to say it.

I do want the job.

But I specialize in research and I did mine on you.

You like to party, you can't keep your zipper zipped.

Ergo, no sex.

So I shaved my legs for nothing?

I do my research, okay?

Well, so do I,

and I came up with a few juicy tidbits about you, Renee.

It's Jordan.

Wrong file.

Oh. [ laughs ]

This is you, Jordan.

What is me?

Well, six months ago, a Dr. Jordan Denby

was arrested for "decorating a waitress at Denny's"?

Okay.

Very good.

[ sighs ] I was having a bad Christmas.

I'd just gotten divorced. My antidepressants hadn't been adjusted yet,

so I took the ornaments off the tree next to the register

and decorated the waitress.

Her name was Noelle. It seemed logical at the time.

How about "resisting arrest at Macy's"?

Bad New Year's.

"Relieving yourself in an elevator"?

Really, really bad Valentine's Day.

Look, I don't want to waste any more of your time here.

You're obviously qualified and capable,

but I've already interviewed somebody who's--

how do I put this?

Sane.

I've been on lots of meds

and there's been a lot of adjustments.

He married my twin sister.

What was he looking for?

I'm really not sure.

You know what? Thanks for stopping by.

All I wanted to do was come by

and be super confident

and have you give me the job on my merits.

Well, you failed.

I can't leave.

Why not?

I already have the job.

Okay, I see we're still trying to find

a balance with the meds.

No,

the grant foundation was worried that the project was becoming unstable,

so they interviewed potential partners for you

and they decided on me.

They hired you to add stability?

Yes.

I am supposed to give you a copy of this contract.

What the hell happened to it?

When I'm nervous, I eat paper.

I'm not proud of it.

I know, I know, I said I wanted to hire you.

But the grant foundation is forcing me

to hire this emotional train wreck.

I can't. She's looking right at me.

All right, bye-bye.

Look, I know you're not happy that I'm here,

but I'm a professional and I am damn good.

And I would appreciate it if you would behave like a professional as well.

Okay. Okay, then,

why don't you watch the DVDs of the last run of couples

and summarize the computer readouts?

What are the couples doing?

Well, let's see. It's a sex study,

so they are building furniture from Sweden.

They're having sex.

- Live sex? - Yes, live.

Unless you're looking for the necrophilia study. Well, that's down the hall.

Uh, wouldn't it be faster

if I just looked at the computer readouts?

Oh, my God.

You're a sex researcher and you don't like watching people have sex.

Look, most of the research that I've done is dry,

and this is... wet.

Oh, God. Look what you made me say.

You think sex is dirty.

I think sex is beautiful.

I think people make it dirty.

That's what makes it beautiful.

So everything I've heard about you is true.

Wow, that is really judgmental

coming from a gal who pees in elevators.

Hey, I was stood up on Valentine's Day

and I had to drink an entire bottle of champagne by myself.

You know why you got stood up?

Because you only like sex when it's beautiful

under an enchanted rainbow.

Well, guess what?

At the end of that rainbow,

all the leprechauns and unicorns are watching you.

And they're all playing with themselves.

- You're disgusting. - You're a prude.

- I'm leaving. - No, I'm leaving.

Then we're both leaving.

Fine... but I'm taking the stairs.

I know what you do in elevators.

So, did you totally freak out

when you looked down at your phone and saw it was me?

Well, when you called, I thought, "This is odd."

And then I thought, "I'm kinda cool.

You might wanna hang out with me."

Oh, God, no.

Did you know Sean is back in town?

- Ugh. - God, I hate him.

You know he had the balls to call me and try and get back together?

He called you? He didn't call me.

I thought you hated him.

Oh, yeah. That's right.

That's why I wanted to see you.

We never got back at him for sleeping with both of us at the same time,

so I say we should do it now.

What do you have in mind?

I have an idea, but we're gonna need

some roofies and a tattoo gun.

Your evil little heart is in the right place,

but I have a better idea.

Wow, not a good day to be ice.

It's my new PhD. She's driving me nuts.

- Is she cute? - Well, sure, if you think sexually repressed,

emotionally screwed-up women are cute.

How are the boobs?

Those are adorable.

[ phone chimes ]

It's Sean, go.

Hi, Sean, it's Jennifer.

Hey, Jen.

What's happening?

We need to talk.

Yeah, what's up?

I'm pregnant.

Oh, my God.

Are you sure it's mine?

Yes, I'm absolutely sure.

Uh, boy, wow.

I gotta think about this. I'll call you back.

[ laughing ]

He couldn't even talk.

He was like, "I guess, uh, hmm,

I'm gonna have to call you back.

'Cause, hmm, I'm about to go crap my pants."

[ both laughing ]

Of course she's not pregnant. I had a vasectomy years ago.

Wow, a vasectomy. Didn't you ever want kids?

No, kids are just little people

you're not allowed to drink with.

- Hey there. - Afternoon.

Sorry I'm late.

I had a thing this morning. It's called sleeping in.

Anyway, in the spirit of compromise,

today I will watch the DVDs, you analyze the data.

You know, I felt guilty all night that I didn't watch those DVDs.

- I can do that. - Well, it obviously makes you uncomfortable,

so today we'll switch.

It was eating me alive all night. I have to do this.

I chewed through my mouth guard.

Okay, you can do it.

Thank you.

I take it back. I can't. You do it. You're a guy, you like this stuff.

All right, we are gonna go about this in a different way.

How do you like your scotch?

I don't.

Look, we both need to relax so we can get over this hump

and you can start watching people hump.

Alcohol and I don't mix.

Tequila?

I do like tequila.

But I shouldn't.

Look, booze can be our thing.

It's obviously not gonna be sex. You said so yourself.

Can't it be psychology?

I'm sorry, I wish it could be,

but booze and sex are the only two choices.

Fine. Just one.

Great.

There, you happy now?

Uh, yes. Are you?

Nope, not yet.

Well, that's the end of that.

- End of what? - My sobriety.

Your sobriety?

Yep.

It's a battle, and I guess I lost today.

Wait a minute. Are you a--

Alcoholic?

Oh, yeah.

Big-time.

So the Denny's incident,

Macy's, the elevator...

That was tequila.

[ whispers ] Should never drink tequila.

But you just drank, like, half the bottle.

I know, we should switch to rum.

Great idea.

There's a bottle under the bed in the observation room.

You grab that, I'll get us some real glasses,

and we'll get some work done around here.

Oh, finally. This was a great idea.

Hey.

What are you doing? Let me out of here!

Not until you dry out.

I'm not gonna have your boozy meltdown on my head.

You open this door or I'm gonna knock it down.

I have been drinking tequila

and I have the strength of four Mexicans.

Sorry, one of us has to be sober to do all of this work,

and it's certainly not gonna be me.

- [ chimes ] - Hey, Sean.

I'm just out shopping for the baby. What's up?

Listen, I've been thinking a lot about this.

- Ah, you're pretty freaked out, huh? - What, are you kidding?

This is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

- What? - Yeah, I've never been so excited in my life.

I hope it's cool, but I told my family.

My mom couldn't stop crying.

She's been in pretty poor health

and she was afraid that I wouldn't have a baby before she died.

I'll call you later, okay?

I thought of a whole bunch of names. I did.

[ whimpers ]

- [ chimes ] - Lacey, go.

He's fine with it.

- What? - He thinks I'm gonna be a wonderful mother.

He told his family.

What a dick.

Let's see how cool he can be

when he thinks he's gonna have two babies with two wonderful moms.

I'll call you back.

- Sean, go. - Hey, Sean.

Lacey, hey, I wasn't expecting to hear from you. What's up?

I just got back from the doctor

and I have some pretty shocking news.

I am completely pregnant with your baby.

Oh, really?

Yeah, this is a super big deal.

It's, like, growing inside me.

That sucks.

So, what do you need, like 300 bucks or something?

I mean, we kinda--

we gotta get this taken care of pronto, right?

Before that thing starts sucking its thumb in there.

Have you seen those pictures? It's really creepy.

So, uh, wait.

You don't want me to have your baby?

[ laughs ] No offense, but you as a mom?

Come on, you can barely feed yourself.

I am trying to stay thin!

[ laughs ]

- [ chimes ] - Is he freaking out?

He said I would be a horrible mom!

Oh, I'm so sorry, Lacey.

I hate him so much!

Please, can we kill him?

Oh, wait. I just remembered. He had a vasectomy.

It's been four hours. Let me out of here.

Not until you sober up.

Why don't you try sleeping it off in that bed?

It's like a little motel room in there.

Hundreds of people have had sex on that bed.

Okay, like a seedy little motel room.

Look, I am not even mad at you anymore, okay?

I'm mad at me.

I was really getting my sobriety back together again

and I just threw it all away.

How long were you sober?

I was sober during the entire 10 years of my marriage.

And when my husband left me for my evil twin sister...

I went straight to the bar

and I spent the last six months

systematically destroying my career

and winning wet T-shirt contests for beer money.

I'm not sure if this the right moment,

but I recently mentioned to a friend of mine

how adorable your boobs are.

Will you let me out now?

I'd really like to get back to work.

Sure.

[ sighs ]

This has been pretty hard for me.

I know it's stupid,

but I could really use a hug.

Come here.

- Oof. - Ow.

Damn it.

Good luck getting all this work done without me.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

If you stay until Friday,

I'll let you knee me in the balls again.

Anyway, I thought I could do all of this by myself,

but obviously I can't.

So, the best way that you can help me

is to watch the tapes of the recent test couples

and document their sexual activity.

I'm quite familiar with this process.

Please feel confident that you can do your work and I will accomplish--

Shh, Jimbo, I'm trying to work.

Hey, Charlie.

What the hell are you doing here?

- You quit. - No, I didn't.

I was just proving a point.

So, to prove a point,

I had to sleep with a bag of frozen peas on my balls?

You had it coming.

- Who's that? - Your replacement.

Oh, well, he can go now.

Look, I hired Dr. Feedler

because he's a preeminent psychologist

and a consummate professional.

Oh, yeah. Give it to her.

Who comes highly recommended.

Oh, yeah. Oh, Mommy, oh, yeah. Come on.

- By many doctors. - Oh, yeah, yeah, oh.

Gonna make Daddy cry. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Jimbo?

Why don't you take this in the next room and actually write some notes?

Don't worry, it's soundproof, so knock yourself out.

Look, the board forced me to hire you, so I did.

But you quit and I replaced you.

My uncle is in charge of the entire grant foundation,

and he says if I'm not working here,

he's going to shut down your entire study.

[ stutters ] I'm sorry, what?

It gets worse.

He says that I am in charge,

so I guess that kind of makes me your boss.

You're my boss?

And we start at 9:00 AM here.

And I think that our first priority

should be making this an alcohol-free office.

Okay, why don't we take all the booze

and put it in that room over there?

Dr. Feedler is touching himself.

Yeah, I thought you might enjoy that.

Who wants a drink now?