Original subtitles

So, Ed, you seem pretty angry today.

What the hell's up with that?

Well, I'm angry because living with your father's

putting me in the poorhouse.

We pool our grocery money and he wastes it

by buying brand-named sandwich meat

and his two-ply, quilted toilet paper.

Well, he always had a taste for the finer things.

Ahh. Nectar of the gods.

- Charlie? - Yeah.

I know you're going through some stuff

with what's-her-name leaving and all,

but how long are you planning on being weird?

You mean being a white-hot comet of awesome?

Look, the way to resolve problems

is to sit down and talk it out

like reasonable adults.

I was with this lady last night

and we're having a disagreement

about whether we should continue seeing each other or not.

But we talked it out and it's over.

- [ knocking on door ] - Woman: I know you're in there!

You can't just ignore me, Carl!

And by the way,

I took down your license plate.

I know your name's Charlie!

[ whispering ] Another way to resolve problems

is to be very quiet and pretend you're not home.

Woman: I can see you, you jerk!

Yo, Carl, I think she can see you.

All right, looks like I have to go deal with this.

You douche!

So what really happened

is you slept with some ho-bag, gave her a fake name,

and then ran off without talking to her ever at all.

Lacey, you know nothing of my personal life.

Which makes the fact

that you're absolutely right so remarkable.

Hey, she left.

You see, this is a potentially a very volatile situation,

but I defused it by not engaging.

- [ glass shatters ] - [ car alarm blaring ]

She smashed your windshield.

- Aren't you going to do something? - [ glass shattering ]

You know what?

I made a mistake and I'm paying the price.

And it doesn't look like I'm getting a discount.

[ theme music playing ]

Hey, Charlie, you got a few minutes?

- I need your help with something. - I can't.

An old professor of mine asked me to lecture at his class tomorrow

and I don't know what the hell I'm going to talk about.

Maybe you should talk about the Loch Ness Monster.

I wish.

It's got to be something to do with therapy.

Oh, that sucks.

You got a screwdriver?

Ahem. I found a secret door

in the basement of my new place, but it's locked.

I'm kind of hoping it's a wine cellar.

No, I'm pretty sure the guy next door had a sex dungeon.

Really? Why would you say that?

Because the sounds I heard coming out of that house at night

were not coming from a fine Cabernet.

Oh, hey, did you know that somebody smashed the crap out of your windshield?

Yeah, I spent the day running errands on my daughter's bike.

You ever show up to a parent-teacher meeting

on a pink Schwinn?

There are questions.

- Let me guess, crazy girl? - Extremely.

God, crazy girls are the best.

Yeah, they're wild as hell to hang out with

and the sex is incredible.

You never know what the hell is going to happen. Hmm.

Well, that's the problem.

I am all about fun right now,

but I am done with the insanity.

No more crazy girls. Never again.

I get it. I know. You know what the problem is

is that there's no real good way of ending it

with girls like that.

I've changed jobs and moved.

Faked my own death and they're there.

They're there at the funeral.

You know, and they're not even subtle about it.

I mean, they show up dressed like whores.

God, I love 'em.

I miss 'em already.

Hey, guess who was checking me out on the stairs.

That redhead in 1b.

She can't keep her eyes off me.

She's legally blind.

Well, she can still see shapes.

You want to explain this tube of toothpaste

I found in the trash?

Look here.

This is what you threw away.

Oh, get off my back.

You know very well I'm doing the best I can.

Look how much I've saved on razor blades.

Woman: Will you two shut up?

You're going to wake up my baby.

It's not a real baby!

It's a foster baby and it's seven!

Hey! Shh.

Keep it down.

No. The only reason she's got that kid

is for the fat check she scams

- out of the government to take care of it. - Oh, come on.

It's a good thing when the government pays people to take care of others.

It's like when the VA sometimes hires people to take care of vets.

What?

Yeah, you know how they hire qualified people

to set up little halfway houses

so some of the vets coming home from the war

can have a nice place to live instead of the hospital.

What if you don't spend all the money on the vet?

Do you get to keep the extra?

What are you thinking, Ed?

I'm thinking it's our patriotic duty

to set up a halfway house.

I mean, if Uncle Sam's going to throw money around like a drunk sailor,

I'm going to be at the port

with my skirt hiked up.

So I've been up here for a while

trying to give you guys a real speech--

notecards and everything.

Ahh. Screw it.

Here's what I really think...

My old professor told me that I would be speaking

to the best and brightest today.

But all I see is a bunch of arrogant little pricks

who think they're better than the patients they're going to be helping.

- Excuse me. Are you gonna take any-- - Shut up.

The truth is

you are as screwed up as your patients.

But that is the only honest way that you're going to connect to them.

Look at me.

I am an awesome, brilliant therapist.

Why?

I have anger issues, I drink too much,

and there's a good chance I'm a sex addict.

You. What's your problem?

What is going to make you a great therapist?

I can't use public restrooms.

Because?

There's ghosts in them.

Well, duh.

But, see, you could be the next Freud.

So what I'm saying is you owe it to your patients

to be balls-out crazy.

They deserve it.

Thank you.

Oh, and the future is yours, blah, blah, blah.

[ applause ]

- Mr. Goodson. - Oh!

Oh, hello.

- I scared you. - Don't worry about it.

No, I meant to.

I loved your lecture.

Me, too.

I mean, the person you're describing,

that's me.

I'm so screwed up. You have no idea.

No, I have an idea.

Is there any way

I could sit in on your therapy group and watch you work?

- You won't even know I'm there. - I don't know.

- I kind of made a promise to myself. - Please.

I want to be as good at therapy

as I am bad at choosing men.

What was that promise?

That I would say yes to more things.

So when did you know

you were screwed up enough to be a therapist?

When does the sun know it's shiny enough?

When does water know it's wet enough?

When do I know the coffee's ready?

Little light goes on.

So I got the basement door open

and you were right, it is a sex dungeon.

I'm Sean. I have a sex dungeon.

Cool. I designed a sex dungeon for my medieval sexuality class.

- That's a real class? - Not yet.

Right now it's more of a club.

Very nice.

You almost made it a whole day.

This is Ellie. She's a psych student.

She's going to get her clinical hours with me.

Right.

Would you mind putting this out on the pool table?

Sure.

Oh, and make sure your dungeon has plenty of shelf space.

People always forget about the shelf space.

Yeah, you don't want whips and chains all over the floor. It makes you look sloppy.

So you're fishing in the crazy lake again, huh?

What's her story?

Her story is she's going to be mine...

so stay away from her. The end.

Oh, come on. You were pretty adamant.

I mean, are you sure that you're ready to deal with the crap

that will go down after you hook up with a girl like that?

'Cause I am.

Don't even think about it.

She worships me.

Daddy issues.

God, I hope so.

So you're a grad student at UCLA?

I took photography there.

Oh, really? When?

Right before they threw me out after they realized

I hadn't applied, registered, or paid for it.

Ooh. I like that.

Why should knowledge cost money?

I don't think anything should cost money.

Do you know how much money people would have

if we didn't have to buy anything?

We'd all be rich.

And then we could help out the poor.

Nice. You're a socialist.

Actually, I'm pretty shy.

Well, maybe I can do something about that.

- Or maybe not. - [ laughs ]

So I see you've met Nolan.

He's my most difficult patient. Classic masochist.

Oh, really? Is he seeing someone?

No, but he's a patient.

We're the doctors. We're different.

Oh, you said in your lecture that we're all on the same level.

It changes.

Different, the same, it's fluid.

Write that down in your little notebook.

Okay, everybody, well, Ed can't be here today

because he and my father are picking up some poor war veteran

who obviously hadn't suffered enough.

Oh, and this is Ellie, the grad student who is going to be observing our group.

I'm not comfortable with this.

When you said she was a psychology student,

I thought she would look like a scientist,

but she looks more like a TV scientist.

Do you know why you're uncomfortable, Lacey?

Because Ellie represents the unknown.

And the unknown can be frightening.

Like a dark room

or a relationship with someone you admire.

Or a sea cave.

Or lusting after someone you admire.

Why'd you have to bring up sea caves?

Now I won't be able to sleep.

You know, Nolan, sea caves are symbolic

of a strong sexual desire.

Maybe you like someone.

Maybe someone would like you

to shut your sea cave.

After we deduct everything we're spending on this young man,

we will receive

a grand total-- are you ready for this?

$824 a month from the VA.

You, sir, are a genius.

Hot damn.

Do you know what this means?

Brand-name groceries,

wine in bottles,

and movies...

at night.

You're thinking small, Ed.

How 'bout a big-screen TV and two La-Z-Boys?

Yeah, leather ones with cup holders.

Oh, here he is.

- Hello, soldier. - Hey, fellas.

I don't want to sound like a negative Nelly,

but I think I'm going to need a handicap bar

in the tub after all.

When I tried to pull myself out,

the rope with the knots you tied to the toilet slipped right off.

We're really sorry about that.

We'll get you one first thing tomorrow.

We want you to be happy here. This is your home.

Speaking of that. You know what else would really be helpful?

A ramp on the outside steps.

Oh, and I'm supposed to have a hospital bed.

You know, one of those ones that goes up and down.

Can't we just put some books under one end of the sofa?

[ laughs ] No, you can't.

Oh, and what kind of van

- were you planning on renting? - Van?!

Son, your chair has wheels.

You're practically a van already.

[ laughs ]

You guys are killing me.

Like the Taliban tried to do

when I was serving my country.

I'm blessed to have you both in my life.

I'm going to go to my room.

I don't want to cry in front of you.

A bed? A van?

I'm going to my room.

I don't want to cry in front of you, either.

The thing is, Lacey, I am as flawed as you are,

so I can relate to you.

In fact, I know what you're going to say before you say it.

All right. Let me tell you about my dream.

I knew you were going to say that. Go.

Okay, I'm standing in a hallway

and I see this figure walking towards me,

so I turn on a light and it was--

Jesus?

- My third grade teacher. - Damn it! So close.

All right, well, we're out of time.

We'll continue this session next week.

So, Ellie.

- Will you be coming back next week? - If Charlie will have me.

Oh, I'm sure he will have you.

Hey.

Charlie, I have a question.

I know Ellie is here in a professional capacity,

but I really like her a lot.

Would it be okay if I asked her out?

Absolutely not.

Yeah, but I think she likes me.

She doesn't.

But I really thought I was catching a vibe.

You weren't.

But you're right, she's here to work.

So she is totally off-limits.

But she's not my therapist.

It doesn't matter.

She's on loan from the school.

It's like checking a book out of the library.

None of us are allowed to have sex with it.

So you're actually breaking the boundaries

of traditional therapy in a lot of areas.

Yes, yes. I am conducting a research study

where we observe subjects having sex

to determine how much they enjoy doing it

in a noncommitted relationship.

And the answer we're getting is...

a lot.

Hey, Brett, beer me.

You got it, darlin'.

Oh, look. It's Charlie and Ellie.

Man, they're still working after hours.

He's going to be a great mentor.

- They're on a date, honey. - What?

She's off limits. How do you know they're on a date?

Because he ordered champagne.

That's what he does when he's on a date.

And I bring it over to him and then I slip in a little compliment.

Son of a bitch.

He lied to me.

He's going to have sex with my library book.

Here's your champagne, Charlie.

And good news, tonight it's on the house for everybody with no STDs.

[ whispers ] You're welcome.

- We didn't build the ramp high enough. - Well, it'll have to do.

I'm not going to go tear more wood

off that old abandoned house on the corner.

It's not abandoned. An old deaf lady lives there.

Well, I knocked on the door and she wasn't home.

Meals for a guy on wheels.

- Hey, there you are. - Hi.

We spent all day yesterday cooking meals for your guest.

There should be enough here to last at least two weeks.

Is he here? I've never met a real war veteran.

Hey, young lady, what about us?

No, I mean, from a Jake Gyllenhaal war.

Not a Tom Hanks war.

Hey, guys, good news.

The VA check to cover my expenses just came.

The mailman gave it to me after he helped carry me up the steps.

Ladies.

You guys are taking money from the VA?

I thought you were paying for everything with your social security checks.

Well, it's pretty damn close.

I mean, we're barely turning a profit on this deal.

- Ed. - A profit?!

Look, we're just trying to be patriotic.

I mean, you know, one of the advantages

of being patriotic these days is that sometimes you get paid for it.

You two are vets and you're scamming the government?!

I don't want to see either of you guys for a while.

But I do want my Tupperware back

so I'm conflicted.

Let's go, Sam.

I feel terrible.

That we're not making more money on this deal?

Yeah, I know what you mean.

If we're going to do this thing, we need to do it right.

We just don't have enough of those guys living here to make it cost-effective.

We need more volume.

Where's the shower?

You're in line for it.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Same line.

You know, a lot of people say I'm too honest.

But you got to tell people the truth.

Trust me, they respect you for it.

So I want to thank you for having me back,

you arrogant little pricks.

Mr. Goodson.

Nolan? What are you doing here?

I have a question.

You're a douchebag.

I have a follow-up question.

Screw you!

Okay, Nolan, I think I know what this is about.

Yeah, and I want the whole world to hear how you lied to me.

He told me that nobody from our group

could date that girl right there.

Hey, Ellie.

Because it was unethical.

And then he went out with her himself.

- Students: Ooh! - Yeah.

You told him that?

Yes.

And you want to know why?

Why, you ask? You going to ask me why?

Well, then ask-- oh, I know!

To teach this emotionally repressed

and deeply passive young man to stand up for himself.

And obviously, my methods are working.

You lying, stupid jerk.

Well done. Thank you.

No, no, no. Don't clap.

He's making the whole thing up.

He's a terrible, terrible person.

- There you go. Let it all out. - [ applause continues ]

Thank you. Thank you.

Damn it!

I hope that you roast in

the fires of eternal hell

and that your hair catches fire, but only half of it burns

so you look ridiculous.

[ cheering ]

Thank you.

- Nolan, wait. - Great lecture, man.

- Yeah, nobody likes a suck-up. - You're a jerk.

Nobody likes a guy who turns on a dime.

Nolan, come on.

I'm not going to forgive you and don't make a scene.

I'm thinking about sneaking into more classes here.

I heard they got a course on medieval sexuality.

Nolan, Nolan, Nolan, look, look, look.

I screwed up, but she's not interested in me.

She likes you. She told me.

- Really? - Yes.

Now take that attitude you had in there and go get her.

I don't know.

Nolan, just now in class, you showed a lot of balls.

Sorry.

I like to rest my feet on the chair in front of me.

Nolan, she's right there and you've got a scooter.

Unless she starts running, you've got a chance.

So where's Dr. Slut?

She won't be joining us anymore.

Oh, that's too bad. I really liked her.

Sorry I'm late. Someone stole my scooter.

Then why are you wearing your helmet?

Because they didn't steal my helmet.

It was a great end to a great day.

Ellie and I are over.

Wait, you went out with Dr. Slut?

I hate that bitch.

Lacey, don't call her a bitch.

So what happened with Dr. Slut?

I really liked her, but when she found out I had weed,

that's all she wanted to do. She was like a weed fiend.

Finally, I had to tell her I couldn't see her anymore.

I'm proud of you, Nolan.

So how was the sex?

Crazy.

Let me guess, after you broke up with her,

she came over screaming,

- pounding on your door. - No.

She smashed your car windshield?

No.

Well, she's crazy. She must have done something.

She gave me a fruit basket and wished me well.

I knew it.

Crazy as the day is long.