Original subtitles

Now I'm sure we all have opinions

on what's happened here in the last few weeks,

so I thought we should talk about it.

Who wants to start? Charlie?

An important relationship has ended.

And if we're to be honest with ourselves

and speak from the heart,

we'd understand that we need time to reflect,

heal, meditate.

Ah, dear sinless Jesus,

shut your facial anus.

Why is he even here?

I have a much better idea.

- Me, too. Who wants to go play some ball? - I do.

Anyone mind if I "trailblaze" a solution?

I say we have an epic party.

I don't think that Charlie

is the healthiest person to listen to right now.

When he needs a kidney-- [ chuckles ] let's not give it to him.

Charlie, will you let him speak?

Charlie?

We gotta get back out there, man.

We've been body-snatched, people.

We've wasted the last three years of our lives

trading our freedom for warm beer and a cold steak.

I propose we purge the demons of responsibility

and fill up this house

with booze, girls, and napalm.

Yeah, a party does sound awesome.

I'm just not sure it's going to accomplish anything.

Of course not.

Some hedonistic bacchanal is not gonna solve our problems.

It's merely avoidance.

Let's spend some time journaling

and sit in quiet reflection.

If I punch him, will it hurt me?

Ow!

[ chuckles ]

Yes, yes, it will.

Charlie, what do you want to do?

Have the party of the gods, or...

"Dear diary, today I discovered my first pube"?

Well, it is a tough decision.

I mean, on one hand there will be booze and naked women.

On the-- you know what? That's what I want to do.

All right. I'm in.

One night's not gonna wreck my whole season.

We're not talking about one night, man.

We're talking about a lifestyle.

- Yes! I love it! - What about your patients?

- Yeah, what about us? - You're all coming along for the ride.

- So we're invited to your party? - Not a chance.

[ laughs ]

I'm proud of you, man. I missed you.

Good to be back.

Let the games begin.

Hey, Charlie, your dreams are the best.

There's an Indy car in the driveway

and a naked lady in the pantry

and they're both revved up and rarin' to go.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Is it Miss Reeby from seventh grade science?

I think so.

I'll be right back.

Hey, Charlie. Hey, Charlie.

- Hey, Charlie. - Shut up.

Hey, Charlie. Hey, Charlie.

Hey, Charlie. [ chuckles ]

- Hey, Charlie. - Hey.

- Hey, Charlie! - Hey.

Wake up!

What are you guys doing in my bedroom?

[ groans ] What time is it?

Two o'clock.

I'm sorry, guys.

He looks better than he did last week,

but he still looks pretty insane.

I don't want to waste any more of your session time,

so let's do this right here.

- Who wants to start? - My boss wants to talk to you.

I'm up for this huge promotion,

but he won't consider me until he's sure

that I'm making progress with my anger issues.

And I think also he said something about my attitude problem,

but screw him. He's a jerk.

Text me his number. I'll talk to him.

Oh, no, he wants to meet you in person

at the store tomorrow at 9:00.

In the morning? God, he is a jerk.

I got something.

My wife is seeing a younger man.

What is he, like, 100?

No. He's 65.

And I'm trying to win her back,

but I can't compete with that youthful energy.

You know, I could get you some sample tubes

of TestosterGel from my work.

It totally rips your bod.

You'll feel like a 65-year-old in no time.

Do you have anything that will make me feel younger?

It's hard to learn a second language when you're older

and I'd really like to learn Portuguese.

Okay, guys, I'm gonna have to wrap it up here.

- But we just started. - To be honest,

I really need to take some time for myself.

You know, to reflect

and heal... [ chuckles ]

and meditate. [ exhales ]

[ women giggling ]

So your new dancer names

are Reflect, Heal, and Meditate.

Come on, ladies, I need somebody up on the stage.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, these girls are with me.

They're VIP guests at a party I'm throwing tonight.

In fact, you should come.

I could use a big guy out front with his arms folded.

Crystal, you're up.

No, no, no. Crystal, you stay.

Enjoy your Cristal. [ clears throat ]

I'll cover your shift.

All right, ladies, make it rain.

Let's see those singles.

- DJ, some Van Halen. - Sir.

I'm gonna need you to get down.

Believe me, when he starts playing "Runnin' With The Devil,"

- I'll be gettin' down. - All right, that's enough.

[ grunting ]

- How's it going, Charlie? - Sean?

Could you give me a minute? I'm in a fight with Bill.

Which is a shame, 'cause I thought Bill and I were gonna be friends.

Bill, I know him. It's good, all right?

You must spend a lot of money here.

Actually, I manage the place.

You know, it's funny, after I broke up with Jen--

After you cheated on Jen.

After things didn't work out

with your ex-wife and myself--

Because you cheated on her.

Long story short, I'm doing well.

I work with a great company that buys strip clubs.

We, uh, renovate 'em and sell 'em.

To be honest with you, I'm kind of wanting to settle down

and maybe even buy a house.

Could you do me a favor and let Jen know that I'm doing better

and that I'd really like to start dating her again?

Look, I like you,

but Jen hates you, and so do I.

So if you'll excuse me, I gotta go recruit some more girls

for a party I'm throwing tonight.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, all right,

what if I help you out with your soiree?

I'll bring free booze, more girls.

I got that covered. What I need is fire-eaters and contortionists.

Done. And down the line, you'll help me with Jen, right?

There's no downside to that.

The downside is if she finds out

we're hanging out together, she'll kill me.

All right, what if I bring one of these?

What is that, a dog being shot out of a cannon?

That is a little person dressed like a dog

being shot out of a cannon.

Jen's on vacation. She'll never know.

Where is she going?

Haven't figured that out yet.

[ theme music playing ]

That's very generous of you, Charlie,

- but I don't want to go to Santa Barbara. - You have to go.

One of my patients gave me this spa weekend

for my birthday and it's about to expire.

Can we talk about this later?

I got to change my Facebook information

and get a new email address.

Sean's back in town and he's trying to get a hold of me.

Sean? I hate that guy.

I hear he's running a chain of low-rent strip clubs for losers.

And he's got some stupid adult party business

throwing stupid parties for stupid adults.

Sean, Sean, Sean!

It's like all we ever talk about anymore is Sean.

This guy has taken over our lives.

One of us has to get away, to Santa Barbara. It's only an hour!

Why do you keep pushing Santa Barbara?

[ sighs ] Okay, Jen, you want to hear it?

You look like crap.

What?

Look at all this stress you're carrying around.

It's affecting you.

Here. Does this hurt?

Ow!

- You see that? - Well, you squeezed me really hard.

I barely touched you.

You need to get away. Get a massage, get a facial.

You'll feel great.

All right, all right! I'm going.

Good. Just make sure that you do.

Oh, and I mentioned you look like crap, right?

I can't believe you used a whole tube in one day.

Well, I did, okay? Now I need more.

I told you to only use a little.

Why didn't you listen to me?

I'm a professional. This stuff has, like,

chemicals or sperm in it or something.

It's not sperm, it's hormones.

And I couldn't quit using it.

For the first time in 30 years,

I feel like I've got what every woman wants.

Saggy old balls?

Confidence,

and that cream made 'em jump right up

like two gophers looking for cover.

Fine, take it. But after this, you're cut off.

Lose my number.

- This is only 40. - Well, I'm a little short.

I had to buy condoms.

[ chuckles ] With this Hercules sauce,

I'm afraid that I'm gonna blast right through the wife

and hit a fertile woman.

I'm sorry I ever touched this.

[ dance music playing ]

All right, we gotta do this on a regular basis.

Yes.

Check it out. House next door's for sale.

You guys move in there, we build a tunnel,

and then you guys come over here and live with me.

What's the tunnel for?

I don't know. Not even sure why we bought the house.

Hey! So, huh?

Did I come through enough for you to help me out with Jen?

Are you kidding me? This is amazing.

[ cell phone chiming ]

Ah, crap, it's Patrick.

Hey, Patrick.

What do you want? I'm meditating.

With all that noise?

Hey, any fool can meditate in a quiet room.

What's up?

This is your reminder call about the meeting tomorrow.

What meeting?

The one about my job.

Oh, right, yeah.

Just, uh, good luck with that

and be confident, but not cocky.

No, it's your meeting, Charlie.

I already have a job.

Charlie, you're supposed to meet my boss tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.m.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah.

I'm just on a really high level of enlightenment.

Don't worry. 9:00 a.m., I got it.

Just put it in your phone, okay?

Okay, it's in. 9:00 a.m. I'll be there. Good night.

Hey, Charlie.

Hey, I told this girl that I could juggle anything.

Give me your phone.

Hey, Charlie! You gotta see this.

One of the contortionists is taking a bath in your sink.

Is she hot or is it just weird?

It's a compelling combination of both.

Be careful with the phone, Tiny King.

Thank you very much.

Okay, check this out.

[ chuckles ] I can't juggle.

We're still gonna do it, though, right?

[ dance music playing ]

Come on, Sean, you can make it.

I don't know, man.

That's what you said last time

and my knee still really hurts.

But now you know to simplify the dive.

Take out the somersault.

Oh... my... God.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

You were supposed to meet with my boss this morning about my promotion.

Yeah, at 9:00.

- It's 11:00. - That's impossible.

I set my alarm.

Ah, crap. Tiny King, where's my cell phone?

I don't know.

The last time I saw it,

some tall jerk threw it in the Jacuzzi.

[ alarm blaring ]

Oh, hey, look at that.

Alarm's still going off.

I can't believe this.

I have been waiting on this promotion

and now you blew it.

I was gonna make twice as much money

and get to look down on at least three times as many people.

I'm going down there right now to talk to him.

You must be kidding me.

What? We're hot tub buddies.

Look, in our condition,

it was not safe to go in here alone.

Where's the key?

I think that lame-o cop-stripper

we stole the handcuffs from still has it.

That wasn't a stripper, that was just a real cop getting naked.

Sergeant Phil's a great guy.

You really screwed me here, Charlie.

Patrick, look at my eyes.

What do you see?

Pinballs bouncing around

in a machine gone haywire.

Yes.

A pinball machine called determination.

And guess who's got the high score.

Me.

Come on, Michelle.

I am going to get you that promotion

if it's the last thing I do.

All right, this might be a super long shot,

but is anybody here a locksmith?

- I nailed it! Yes! - [ cheering ]

Thank you!

You think Patrick's boss

is going to be weirded out by the handcuffs?

I couldn't find a hacksaw.

I was lucky I found my pants.

Here, give me this.

He won't even notice.

We'll stick to our story that you're my grad student

- and you're observing, okay? - Okay.

Hi. I'm Zac.

Oh, that's cotton, it'll wrinkle.

Let me hang that up.

Okay, so why do you have a woman handcuffed to you?

Michelle isn't just any woman.

She's a patient of mine.

And she has a terrible phobia

of meeting other people's bosses,

so I created a behavioral therapy technique

to force her to face her fears.

I have to say, your methods are--

- Innovative? - Insane.

I'm not a mental patient.

I'm perfectly well-adjusted.

I'm a stripper.

We met at a club last night and then we got handcuffed to each other at a coke party.

That wasn't a coke party.

You obviously weren't hanging out downstairs in the guest room.

You know what? We're not here to talk about me, damn it.

Trust me, Patrick is doing great.

And I promise you that

his passive-aggressive outbursts are a thing of the past.

And you, you, Zac,

you...

you are going to look like the Grand High Priest of Einsteins

if you promote this very talented young man.

How are you a therapist?

You show up late reeking of booze,

handcuffed to a stripper,

and you expect me to trust your judgment?

I'm a victim of circumstance here.

Charlie, I found the key.

It's in my bikini top where you hid it.

Of course it is.

Do you mind turning around? I got to get the key.

- Where's Michelle? - I dropped her off at her other job.

She dresses up as a fairy princess for kids' parties.

Awesome. Which one?

Sleeping Beauty, which is perfect

because she was ready to pass out.

I'm not sure what to say to you.

Say the truth. Tell me what you're feeling.

You got to be mad at me. I've screwed up twice now.

You know what? I am mad.

I'm mad that I can't yell at you

because I got the damn promotion.

That's impossible. I was terrible in there.

I know. My boss thinks the fact that I've gotten better

despite my therapist being completely insane

is a testament to my character.

That's fantastic.

I don't know if we have a pair of swim trunks your size,

- but if you want to-- - I'm not getting in the pool.

Listen, you should, man,

because this vodka will kill anything that's alive in here.

Okay, well, see you later.

Enjoy the rest of your nervous breakdown.

Thanks, buddy.

You know what, Sean?

I really never liked you.

But this party... this party was awesome.

- You're okay, man. - Right on.

- Honesty time? - Please.

I didn't think you were really helping me out with Jen,

so I posted pictures of the party tonight

on Instagram to make her jealous.

Why are you telling me this now?

Oh, she's standing over there.

I really don't like you again.

- So it's true. - Hey, stranger.

You want a beer?

You son of a bitch.

This is why you sent me to Santa Barbara.

So you could hang out with Sean.

No, no. When I sent you to Santa Barbara,

I had no idea that this was going to happen.

Oh, you didn't know that you were going to throw a party with Sean?

No, I didn't know you'd find out and this thing with you would happen.

Jen, you just left the spa.

You're going to ruin your nails.

You're pigs! I hate you both!

Ah!

You idiot!

She showed up, Charlie. She still likes me.

Would you come plug this leak? I got to get some duct tape.

Listen, man, I don't think duct tape is going to stop this.

No, I'm going to use it to seal the tarp I'm going to wrap your dead body in.

- Ed: Hey! - Give me a reason.

- It's Ed. - That's almost enough.

What are you doing in my garage?

I told you no more drugs, junkie.

I came to give you your drug back.

- It's the devil's medicine. It makes you crazy. - What happened?

My wife opened the door and I didn't say anything.

I just grabbed her and kissed her.

Aw, that's disgusting. I got to go.

Wait. Then I got into the bedroom

and she told me to take off my socks.

Well, I didn't want to, so I ripped the door off the hinges.

Next thing I know, I'm in the backyard naked

punching a tree.

You told me you were going to read the warnings.

It says right here,

"This product may cause aggressive behavior."

And you used a tube and a half in a day.

Don't you yell at me!

[ sighs ] That was not me.

That was the ointment talking.

Wait, Ed.

Here. Some medicine for your feet

so you can take your socks off with your wife next time.

Thank you, Lacey.

You're welcome.

You're gross.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, moron.

Whew.

That was some party, huh?

Too small.

So how'd it go with Jen?

Having a giant hangover

and spending four hours on the phone with an angry chick...

doesn't get better than that.

So how'd you leave it?

As long as you and I aren't hanging out anymore,

she and I are cool.

Bummer for you.

I just bought the house next door.

I'm sorry, what?

Listen, man, I've got to be close by

if I'm going to work my way back into Jen's heart.

Do me a favor, don't tell her.

I want it to be a surprise.

You can't live next door.

The bank says that I can.

You know what we should really consider doing also?

Building a tunnel that connects the two houses.

Forget it. You and I are not hanging out anymore.

All right.

So what are we doing tonight?

I just told you, nothing.

- Barracuda Bar? - Fine.

But no tunnel.